shut up

A quick venting post.  Today is our huge annual family (and friend) party at my house.  We'll have anywhere from 70-90 people here today.  It's always a good time.

Except one of my aunts recently lost weight, and EVERYONE is mentioning how good she looks and commenting on it and congratulating her and blah blah blah blah blah.

And okay, not that I've lost weight for attention, or want praise for it, or do it for anyone except for me and my own sanity and my own control issues- but I've lost freaking 15-20 lbs (i have to estimate because I'm guessing what my highest was) since I reached my highest.  and not a single person (except for nathan occasionally when he hugs me) has said anything about it.  Is it not noticable?  Does that mean I need to lose more?  Does it look like I need to lose more?

It's so annoying.  Stop talking about aunt Laura.  Big f-ing deal.  She lost weight, great, now shut up.  I hate hearing about it.

I need to go before someone realizes i'm inside.

move out!

I LOVE OUR APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I was moving in with him now instead of after the wedding!!!  I didn't want to drive home to my parents house last night.
I am so ready to move out.

I loved playing wife for a day!

productive? grandpa update

productive day.

got a bridesmaid dress for karen's wedding today.  so mom doesn't have to make mine.  the size made me happy.  two sizes smaller than i had guessed i would have been.  and the top is still a little bit too big but mom can help with that.

got everything for the centerpieces, and they are all assembled and in boxes so that the groomsmen can put them on the tables the day of the wedding.

packed the car with stuff from the wedding shower.

met with the DJ one last time w. nathan and finalized our songs.

saw grandpa today when mom and i were out running errands.

that was hard.  i didn't say anything to him.  mom and aunt ruth were talking to him.  he wasn't awake.  but i don't know if "sleeping" is correct, either.  i knew if i opened my mouth and said anything i'd lose all composure and start crying my eyes out.  and i didn't want to do that in front of them.  i don't know why.
the deacon came in and said some prayers over him and i had to stare at the wall and zone out so that i couldn't focus on the prayers.  i would have started sobbing. 
i was basically numb the whole time we were in there.  whenever i started tearing up i'd stare at the wall and force it to stop. 

his kidneys are starting to work again- his urine output is a lot better than yesterday.  his chest x-ray shows the pneumonia isn't any worse than it was yesterday- and we'll take that if it means he's not getting worse.

he might be so out of it and not waking up because his kidneys weren't filtering out the seditives they've been giving him.  so they're thinking that's why he isn't waking up yet.  i hope that's what it is.
they did a CT scan of his brain and he didn't have a stroke, so that's good news.



tomorrow we move Nathan into our apartment!  i'm moving in some of my stuff, but not all of it- obviously. 
but i'm SO excited to wash my dishes and silverware and glasses and pots and pans and put them all away in my cupboards!  And to wash the towels and the sheets and vacuum and do house-wife stuff!  It sounds silly... but it's so different than doing stuff at my parent's house.  It's soooo different when it's your own!
I have *my own* dishes!  That means I'm growing up!  (lets not forget i'm getting married in 16 days!).
crazy.

i need to get to bed.
i'm tired
and tomorrow will be busy.

someone, please just tell me.

I keep having these moments of uncontrollable crying.  Then moments of calmness.  Then moments of utter numbness. Back and forth and back and forth.

i want to be excited and happy because I'm getting married soon.  i have every day planned out until then- of what i need to do, and when, and by when.  and if i follow that, i won't be stressed out and everything will get done.

except... what if grandpa dies tomorrow or next week or the day before?  Will I be at the hospital for a day?  Will I be attending a wake, and a funeral?  I will I be an emotional disaster and unable to do anything productive?  I hadn't planned on any of this when I figured out my "game plan". 

I'd put it in my planner.  If only I could know.  If only someone could say, "why yes, next Monday, your grandpa will pass away".  Then i could say "okay, that sucks.  but now i know how to handle everything and adjust, and deal with it. and prepare myself."
If they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa will still be alive, but he'll be too sick to attend your wedding"  Then i could say "aww, grandpa will miss it.  this makes me sad.  but at least he's alive and i know this".  Or, if they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa is going to make a great recovery and astound us all and be able to see you get married".  then i would say "THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING ME MY GRANDPA!!!"  And maybe I could stop crying. 

I NEED TO KNOW.  But no one can tell me.  No one knows. 
There is no way to know.

I still haven't gone to visit.  But maybe tomorrow.
He's been in a coma this whole time, so I guess I don't feel bad because he wouldn't have known had I been there.  They tried waking him up today but he's not really waking up.  But they think because his kidneys are failing, the medications they've had him on are taking longer to filter through and it's taking longer for him to come back around.  I guess he opened an eye today.  and started coughing a bit (his pneumonia is worsening...).  but the fact he can cough is a good sign.

he can pull through.
he's stubborn enough.

kidneys

Grandpa's kidneys are failing now.


chain reaction...

         chain reaction...
          
                      chain reaction...

Meh

i keep going over the interview in my mind and keep mentally kicking myself for saying certain things and not saying others. 
and I keep thinking of my grandpa.

i'm so tired and overwhelmed.  but i let P90X kick my ass today, anyway.  and went to work.

i want my bed.
but at the same time, i don't feel like going to bed.

i feel all over the place.

i almost broke down into tears when i was at work.

interview

Interview is over.  Went well, I think.  They seemed to like my lab experience, and how I completely re-did the way the auditing process works at my current job at the PT clinic. 
After the interview part of it I had to fill out some paperwork, and part of it was a little mini microbiology quiz.  Uhh... uh oh.  I haven't done anything micro in a year. 
So I was doing pretty well and there were only a few I kind of fudged the answers for.  And then I got to a question, "What are the steps of performing a gram stain?"
I sat there for at least 10 minutes trying to remember.  I know the steps, I couldn't think of the names of the stains.  I COMPLETELY blanked. 
She came in and asked how I was doing and I said, "this is going to sound silly, but I've done countless gram stains and taught students how to perform gram stains, and now I'm completely blanking on the names of the stains!"  She smiled and said "do you at least remember the colors?" i said yes, so she told me to just put that instead of the name.  I said, "you know I'm going to remember as soon as I get the car, right?"  She laughed and said "yeah, that's usually how it works".

Crystal Violet and Saphrinine. 
and you don't wash between iodine and acetone. 

/sigh/

Sounds like I have a good chance of getting a job, though.  They're interviewing 5 more people in the course of the following two days. I'm assuming some of my fellow interns.  I don't know for sure how many spots are open but I know they're getting desperate because they're losing at least 3 people in June.  I changed my availability from June 28th to June 14th so that I looked better.  We're getting back from our honeymooon the 12th.  and i'm stnading up in a wedding on Friday the 18th.  But I'll mention that if and when they offer me the job.  Well, they know about the honeymoon- but I forgot to mention the 18th.

The other good thing is that all of the interns that went to MSU never took a microbiology lab.  Labs aren't offered there.  So, not only have I taken a lab, I also TAd for a lab (even though I obviously can't remember how to do a gram stain.... UGH).  But that should put me ahead of them a bit, right?

I hope I get the job.

It was slightly unnerving getting the tour of the lab.  I mean... this is the real deal!  AHHHHHHHH.  I'M GROWING UP!
That's so crazy.

nightmare

i'm rapid cycling.

i was going nuts earlier this morning.  i couldn't stop moving, doing things, everything was entertaining.  i couldn't stop fidgiting.  i was completely crawling out of my skin.

and then i crashed.

and then i was numb and kept distracting myself and nathan was over and i wasn't letting myself think.

and then we went to Mass at 830pm, and i couldn't stop crying, because i no longer had a distraction and was praying for grandpa.

and now i just want to stare at the wall in completely numbness.

and i realize that crying over a sick grandpa isn't the definition of cycling- it's more that that amplified things.  I seriously was hypo-manic this morning, and i am in no way manic at all anymore.  I definitely noticed the crash in the afternoon.  and it's been like that for a few days.  off and on and off and on.  high low high low

i feel like i'm living in a nightmare.


(oh yeah- and i have a job interview in 10 hours... great.)

Finally.

**Possible Trigger???-- I mention weight-- but from a healthy stand point... so maybe not?**








I've lost Xlbs in the last week!!!!!

And I haven't been starving, and I haven't been over-exercising. 
I actually ate MORE than I normally do!

I finally tried to TRUST that people who said that eating in the upper end of your range can help you lose weight and end a weight-loss plateau!  They were right!!!!

I've been making sure I get plenty of protein, too.  It's been easier this time (compared to when I increased my protein during lent).  I'm not doing the high-protein-low-carb thing, because "there's no such thing as a 'bad' food", so I don't cut any one thing out..  But the extra calories I've added have been mostly protein, and I seriously think that's helping! 

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY!

In other news, I'm still stressed out and grandpa is still sick. but hey- at least I got a happy surprise when I weighed myself this morning.

Worsening

Grandpa is septic now.
He's being pumped up with broad-spectrum antibiotics.


 Chain reaction....

               Chain reaction.....

paralysis

it took me 10 minutes to write an email.
a short email.

i just can't focus on anything.

i want to shut down.

i need to go write thank you cards.

but i want to shut down.
and i want to go to bed.


"Perfection leads to procrastination leads to paralysis"

chain reaction

my grandpa has been in a drug induced coma for a couple of days.  they were going to wake him up today.   but now he has pneumonia.  and he's too weak to cough, so if they wake him up, he'll try to cough, but he can't, so it won't work, and he'll get worse.  So they have him on IV- antibiotics (without knowing if it's viral or bacterial... STUPID DOCTORS!!!), and they plan on keeping him in the coma until Monday or Tuesday. 

Chain reaction...

        Chain reaction....

                           Chain reaction.....

                                          Chain reaction....
                           
                                                            Death.



sorry to be so morbid.
but this is how it was with grandma.

another title

I turned my day around a bit.  I got myself to help my mom and sister sew.  I finished bethany's dress for them, which i know was a huge relief to them.  It was a productive day and we all feel much better.

Late afternoon--- I didn't do too much.  I felt bad leaving for a few hours to go to work, so I didn't.  That probably wasn't the best.  But I've felt guilty not being home much.  So at least I finished bethany's dress.

Then I went to my brother's house to make a photobook (my SIL was hosting a shutterfly photobook making party and we all got a free photobook out of the deal.  That was fun.  Except it was mostly her side of the family, plus two of her friends.  So I felt like the odd one out.  Which I hate.  But I put together a book and it's cute, and I socialized.

I came home and everyone was already in bed.  So I watched the Craig Ferguson episode from last night on my laptop (he's my all time favorite late-night show. and the only one I watch, but he's on super late and usually watch it the next day).  He's hilarious.  I also took a xanax while driving home. 
Hopefully it helps me sleep tonight.
I feel like a drug addict.  Except I'm not.
But i feel weird relying on drugs to sleep.  i dont feel bad about rozerem, since that's more natural and non-habit forming... unlike xanax.  But i've been so anxious lately.

i need to get to bed. 
my goal is to get up by 7am every morning.  i want to become a morning person like i used to be.  so far it's not really working.  it's still a struggle to get up that early.  I might extend it to 8 tomorrow.  since i can't workout at home in the morning since ryann and the girls will be here.  which is annoying since it throws off my whole schedule.

i feel kind of bad putting a workout before family.
that's not a good thing. 
maybe.  i don't know.


my other sister is planning my bacholorette party.  i told everyone that i don't want to go out.  i really don't.  i don't enjoy going out.  and i don't like surprises.  i need to plan.  i need to know what i'll be doing at every moment of each day.  and i don't like going out.  so she emails us today and says "is everyone free on the 28th?  get babysitters- we're going out".  and she wouldn't tell me where we were going and what was involved. 
she called me this afternoon and said "okay, i'll run this by you because it involves dinner and food and I know how you are about that."  she wants to go to a japanese steakhouse (where they cook the dinner in front of us).  I've been to one before and it was okay.  It's not my first choice by any means of restaurtant food (since the only thing i typically trust while eating out is salads), but I okayed it.

I'm glad that she ran it by me.  Because now I can plan the day (food/exercise wise accordingly).  but the fact that she "knows how [i am] about about that is a little bit concerning. 
not really concerning, i guess.  just more annoying.

i guess i've become more strict with it.  i'm not restricting-- just-- more strict.  and workouts are becoming increasingly important (as i'm sure is becoming obvious with my constant mention of them).  anyway.  i need to go to bed.  because i need to wake up early.

i can't be lazy.
too much to do.
can't waste time.

apathetic

i don't feel like leaving my room.

i dont feel like being awake.

but it doesn't matter.  because i can't stay here all day and I can't sleep all day.

but damn it, i don't care.

my head feels messy.

sleep and panic

Knocked myself out last night.  Was asleep by 10:30.  Woke up at 7 again.  Not too shabby.  If only I could do that every night/morning and not require drugs to do so.
I like starting my workouts by 8am.  I feel like I waste less time that way.

I feel calmer today.  Except I just looked at my planner and had a mini panic attack.  I have 3 days in which something isn't scheduled.  Only 3.  Until the day of the wedding. 

THIS IS INSANE.

craziness

So I have officially began freaking out about the wedding.  Not getting married... just... everything involved.  I feel like everyone is hounding me about something or another, and everyone needs my time.  And I don't have time.  And I have to devote time to exercise or I will simply explode.  But then I feel guilty because that is time that could be spent doing something else.  But, if I don't workout then I'm going to freaking panic and be useless.

My sister and my nieces might be staying the weekend so that Ryann and mom and sew and me and dad can watch the girls.  Sounds fine, right?  WRONG.
I can't workout when the girls are here.  And it's been 45 degrees and rainy for a week and I doubt it will change by the weekend, so running is out (not that I can even run enough to consider it a decent workout yet).  And, I need to get into work.  Ryann was here sewing when I got back from Bethany's house (she did another hair-trial for the wedding).  I came home to change and grab a snack, then I needed to go to work for a few hours.  Mom and Ryann tried to guilt-trip me into staying to help them.  I said "I'm so sorry that I have a job and responsibilities".  IT'S NOT MY FAULT!  I have to work.  I have to get caught up.  I have to somehow, sometime train the new girl so she can take over.

Oh, did I mention?  I have a job interview for the microbiology department of the same hospital that I'm going to be interning at- this Monday.  The potential job will start sometime in June.  But I don't know when, yet.  So I have to train this girl so I can leave my current job to start at the hospital.  I'm so freaking excited about working there, but I'm so freaked out about the interview, and about the deadlines, and about losing most of Monday and not being able to exercise/ work/ help with sewing/ babysit the girls.

On these busy days, something has to give.  And I hate when it's the exercise.  I can't handle it.  It's the one thing I have to cling to right now.  It's the only time of day I have a clear mind because I'm focusing on what I'm doing, and the [good] pain associated with it, and I'm alone.  Plus it keeps me eating well.  I always sleep and eat better when I am able to exercise regularly.  I need it right now.



Oh, and have I mentioned that my grandpa is in the hospital right now in a drug-induced coma because of complications of a surgery he had a few days ago?  Yeah.  So I was up all night hearing the phone ring, my mom answer, and then trying to hear what she's saying and determine if it's good news or bad news, then falling back asleep only to be woken up by the phone again. 
I finally got to sleep around 3am.  I woke up at 7am and couldn't fall back asleep.  I then got up, ate breakfast, drank coffee, and worked out for almost 2 hours.  I know, I know.  I had too much pent-up nervous energy.  I called Nathan and mentioned it and he asked how I even managed to have a long, intense workout on so little sleep.  And I said, "I have no idea but it kind of worries me".

I feel so on edge right now.  I'm shaking.  And it's not anxiety, exactly, it's more like my mind is going a million miles and hour and I want to do a million things at once and now I'm freaked out that i'm getting manic.  Except... I don't know.
I guess that would be a good thing, eh?  Getting lots done on little sleep... what a perfect scenario 24 days before a wedding, right?  Except it's not a good thing.  If that's even what it is.  It probably isn't.

But if you could only see how fast I'm typing this and know how fast my mind is racing....

And I know it's illogical, but I want to workout again tonight so that I don't have to tomorrow.  But that doesn't make sense.  And I already did a lot today.  And it was intense (P90X!).  And my parents would get concerned if I started exercising again when I already did this morning.  And I'd be too tired/sore/injured tomorrow if I did.  But I can't sit still.
And I can't stop shaking.

I should help my mom sew.  But that takes patience.  and sitting still and carefulness.
None of which I'm currently capable of.

ok.  at 9pm, when it's "acceptable" (at least in my mind) to go to bed, I will take xananx and rozerem (and possibly benadryll if we have any) and conk myself out.
That seems to nip the manicness in the bud.  If I can force myself to actually sleep, somehow my body gets back to normal.

aa;sidkg'askdng;as idgahs'ignasd;lkgnasd;'gljasd gisandgknas;dijsad;knasdkclnmasdlk


I feel like I"m going insane.

her, not me.

I need to start journaling more.  I should probably dust off my paper journals.
And start writing in third person again.  Somehow that helps me make better sense of my thoughts.

Old times

I'm cleaning my room and I found an old notebook I used as a journal.  This was a few months before I broke up with my first boyfriend, and a few months from my huge anorexia relapse.
Reading it was weird.  (and the formatting is as close as I could get to how I actually wrote it in my journal.  i tend to write all over the page like that.)

July 29, 2006

I know, I know

            I hate myself

Same story.  Different day.

Perfect opportunity to not eat and workout.

            And what did I do?

                        The complete opposite.

Why?  Why am I so stupid?

                        Seriously

                        I know, I know

                                    I’ve heard it all before.

                        Same story,

                                                Different day

                                    Over and over you promise to change.

                        Over and over you never do.

                                    Good intentions, sure.

                                                But it’s not getting us anywhere.

                        I hear you.

                                    Over and over

                                                Same story, promise, oath

                                    Broken record.  Broken promise

                                                Broken self

                        A change will come.  It can

            You have to make it happen.

The next different day; make it a different story.

                        Change your life one day at a time

You watch her, she doesn’t know

You read her like no one else can

You love her, but she’s not sure

            You watch her break down

                        You know she’s strong, but she seems so fragile

            Inside you break

                        You break for her

            Reach out to save her.

                        In anyway you can.

            But she pushes you away.

From a distance, you watch her

            You feel her

            You know her

            Inside, you break for her.

Can you bear to leave?  Knowing nothing changes either way?

            You love her all the same.

                        But she doesn’t anymore.

Can you bear to see the one you love the most not even be able to love herself?

            The one you love the most is the one she hates the most.

                                    Can you take that?

            Can you take her doubt?

                        Can you bear her pain?

                                    Can you?

                                                Can you bear what she’s going to put you through?

            Turn around and leave

                                    It’s not too late

                        You can free yourself from her.

                                                Turn.  Turn Away.

                                    Run

                        Can you bear it?

Can you bear leaving?

Can you bear staying?

                                    Her and you.

            Once made so much sense.

                        Perfect, seamless.

            But she breaks down.

                                    Can you bear that?

She doubts.

                        Can you bear that?  Can you?

            Stay and she’ll destroy you.

Until there is nothing left.

                        Chew and spit you out.

            She’s no longer in it for the longrun.

Stay.

                        But she won’t.

            Can you bear it?

Do you have what it takes?  To show them who you are?

            They see a pretty face.  A happy smile.

Do you have what it takes to show them?

                        The pain and torment that lives behind those eyes.

To you, life is no fairy tale.

            There are no happy endings and prince Charmings

                        Maybe an evil witch or two. 

            A fire or an arrow strike.

The story stopped before the happy ending.

            And here you are in

                        endless misery

            Stuck.

                        Trapped in your castle.

            No one will save you.

                        No one knows you need saving.

What will you do.

                        When you’ve given it all you’ve got

            And it’s still not enough?

                        What then?

                                    When the road before you crumbles,

                                                and the bridge behind you burns?

            What then?

                        No one can save you.

Truth is, you’re not worth saving.

running

I love running.  I ran Monday and today.  Outside.  In the warm sunshine.  Not very far, not very fast.  Walking mixed in there.  But it was running. 

I can't wait until I build up my old endurance.

I told Nathan that if we got p90x, I wouldn't need or want a gym membership.  Between that and running I'd be satisified with workouts.  And it would ultimately save money.  He was all for it.  I'm excited.

I love not having school!

I RAN TODAY!!!!!

pipettes!

This is me working in the lab (I believe day 2).

I love pipetting... so I had stephanie take my picture.  

Because pipetting is awesome.  

And so is the lab.

--------------------------

I was supposed to be going over to my future SIL's house on Tuesday.

But I just read her FB status and it said she was counting down for the concert on Tuesday.

The concert which is on the other side of Michigan.

So... she basically forgot she said I could come over.

That probably hurts more than it should.

I called Nathan to make sure she was talking about this Tuesday.

She was.

I said, "way to be, Bethany, way to be"

He said "aw, she didn't mean to.  she just overbooks herself"

Well.. yeah.  Apparently.

summa cum laude!

Graduation was today:::



I recieved: Bacholor of Science in Medical Laboratory Science: specialization in Clinical Lab Science.  Minor in Psychology.  University and departmental honors, and Summa Cum Laude!

lab and grades

Lab clean up is ALMOST done.  Today was another solid 7 hour day.  It's been four  7-9 hour days in a row, and we're ALMOST done.  I'm going to go back in on Tuesday for a few more hours to help Kristin out with the molecular diagnositics equipment.  But that's really the only thing we didn't get to.

I hope I get department honors, on top of honors.

Grades are posted--- and my final college GPA is 3.9. 
Sadly, that's lower than I wanted it.
But I'm still proud of it.


I'm really tired.

I planned on going to my "real" job tonight after being in the lab all day. But I am so wiped out that I don't really feel up to it.  It was a big, big project fixing up the lab. 

What I love, though, is that 3 hours at the physical therapy office feels like 8 hours.  But, 8 hours in a laboratory feels like 3. 
 It's pretty obvious where I belong. 

microscope!

So... I may or may not have an expensive real-life microscope sitting on my living room table.   Along with a big box full of blood slides to look at, organize and come up with case studies for.

The perks of being a lab assistant at the university i no longer attend.

I've spent the last two days working in our lab, cleaning, organizing, throwing away stuff.  The lab is all over the place.  Kristin, our new professor, since Dr R went to our new med school, hates how the lab is set up, and i completely agree.
and our old hematology lab teacher made a complete mess of all of the blood smears.  There are boxes of slides, some with labels, some without.  Some labels are just numbers or letters, or a date, or initials.  nothing that makes sense.  i have 5 boxes i organized of 100s, 200s, 300s, 400s, and 500s.  They must all at one point had a binder with the corresponding case studies.  But where is it?  We don't have it.  So we have a whole bunch of slides with no way of knowing (unless we go through each one and try to figure it out).  There are a few other sets of numbered slides that we do know.  So I found all of those and have them organized in their own boxes.  And then there were just random slides that have no indication.  One slide is labled "Sad Case"  Wow... really informative.  One is "leukemia"  okay... which kind?  One is "RBC morphology"  Um,, okay?  all RBCs have a morphology. Not helpful.

So I asked her today, figuring the answer would be "NO", if I could take my microscope home (my trusty # 12), and work on sorting them out, figure out which ones go together, and maybe figure out what the slide is and make a case study for it.  And she said YES!   I love her!

Kristin thought this would be a two day project.  It's turning into at least 3 (I won't be surprised if I end up coming in for a bit on Friday, too).  Luckily my friend Stephanie has been helping me.  We've been working two solid days and we're barely making a dent.  It isn't helping that Kristin is 8 months pregnant and can't help out much... which is fine.  But the more man-power, the better.

Which is why I wanted to take the RBC slides home with me so I didn't have to waste time while i was there.

So I snuck my trusty # 12 in a box out to my car so no one would think i was stealing a microscope, and then hid it in my car and was all geeked out and super excited all day. 

I got some of it done tonight.  All of the random slides are really hard for me to decipher.  I can't figure out what they're supposed to be-- which is really frustrating since this is my future job.  To my credit, these aren't the best slides and a lot of them are older than I am.  But still.  There's a slide labeled "Monocytes eating platelets" (which isn't the most scientific way of saying that), and I spent at least 20 minutes looking at it and didn't find a single platelet getting eaten.  WHY CAN'T I FIND IT?!    I've seen things like that before! 
So I really don't know if I'll be able to make any case studies.  I really thought that I could... but now I'm doubting myself.  I can potentially keep the microscope until Monday- which is when the summer semester starts... so maybe I can do some this weekend.  But graduation is Saturday afternoon, I'm going to Lisa's bonfire that night,  and on Sunday, I'll have Mass and then my parents are taking me and Nathan out to dinner to celebrate graduation.  So the weekend will be chopped up and busy. 

Anyway.  I'm so excited that I have my microscope in my living room.

Oh, and I got my Golden Key International Honor Society cords today.  They're purple and white- which is random.  But I'm excited to have more cords than other people.  Maybe that's snobby.... ?  But I don't think it's horrible to be proud of my accomplishments.  And for people to be aware of them.  Is it? 

The Dress!

Had my dress fitting yesterday.  I LOVE MY DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And it fits perfectly.  The only alteration she had was the hem and to take it in ever so slightly at the top.  It was looser than it was when it first came in.  But not so loose that it was it was falling off.  The lady at the store came in to see it and she said "oh, you have the perfect body for this dress.

I feel BEAUTIFUL when I'm in it.  I never feel beautiful. 

Yesterday was the first time in... a really long time... that I thought, "wow, I don't need to lose any weight.  I'm okay where I'm at".

My future sister in law was with me and she started crying when I put my veil on (it's Ryann's veil that mom made for her wedding 10 years ago).
When I was leaving the store it hit me that it's almost a month away and that I'm going to marry Nathan!

I called my mom and when she picked up, without even saying "hi" I said "holy cow mom, I'm getting married!"
she said, "uh.. I already know that". 

I'm so excited. 

I think now that school is OVER, I have TIME to be excited and for the reality of it to sink in. 
I mean- I've been excited the whole time, but at certain times it really hits me that this is real.  And now that it's almost May, which means that it is almost June, I'm beyond excited.

done

I'm done with college.  Amazing.

bad timing

So tonight at dinner, right after I put the last little bit of rice that was in the pot on my plate, my dad says "wasn't your dress fitting yesterday?" i said, "no, i thought it was, but it's on tuesday".  "oh... okay"

WHY WHY WHY WHY did he have to mention a dress fitting as I was about to eat a little bit extra rice?  I ran today, I had enough room in my calorie range to eat that little scoop of rice.  It wasn't like I was over-eating and wouldn't fit into my dress.

I know he probably didn't mean for what he said to be connected in any way with the rice.  But.. he said it.  And then I didn't want the rice.  But, I knew if I didn't eat it,  it would look weird, send up red flags, and my mom would get all upset.
So i ate the damn rice.

but now i'm freaking out.  what if my dress doesn't fit on Tuesday?

It fit just fine when i first tried it on, but if i got bigger then it would be too tight.

i've been too scared to weigh in or measure myself for a few weeks... so I don't really even know.
I need to check tomorrow.



I have my wedding shower tomorrow.  I have two exams on Monday.
I'm not prepared for either one of them.
And I'm kind of stressed out, but kind of too numb to care.
I'm not at any risk of failing these two classes.
All I have to do is pass them, at this point.
I'm graduating in 7 days.
All I have to do is pass.

amazing

I went running today outside.  And it felt amazing. 

But now I have to go to my neurology appointment. And I don't want to.

numb

i am very thankful for xanax.

"We don't care what we have done and seen"

I have no more college classes to attend.  No more presentations.  No more papers.  I have 3 exams left.  That's it.


Shouldn't I feel relieved?  But I don't.

I'm just stressed out.

I have another doctor appointment tomorrow for the MRI results.

I can't even think straight.

I have so much to do.  So much to study.

I need to get the wedding invitations addressed and mailed.  When?
I need to work.  When?
I need to do lab stuff.  When?
I need to study study study study study study study. When?
I need to get a new social security card. When?

I need to breathe.  When?

I have a final on Thursday.  The shower is this sunday.  I have two finals on Monday. (they were all supposed to be on Monday... i got one moved, thankfully).

I need to work out, and I've been trying to schedule some exercise time in each day (which hasn't been successful), for my own sanity.  but then I feel guilty working out when I know have so much other stuff to do.  But if i don't workout, then I lose my sanity, and then I can't get anything done anyway.

I have a dress fitting on Friday.

FRIDAY!!  I've barely worked out in two months.  I haven't measured or weighed myself since then because I've been too scared to know.  What if I'm too big?  What if my dress is too small?  It fit last time I put it on.  What if it's too tight on Friday?  a'wsldfkjnmas;dolfgnjasedlkfnmas

oh, and now i'm a bridesmaid for a friend two weeks after my wedding.  her wedding was supposed to be in august, but oops... they got pregnant, so now it's moved up and she needed another bridesmaid because her other one couldn't come up in june.  so now i have to figure out all of that and find a dress (and fit into said dress).

have i mentioned how much i hate my body?
i feel disgusting.
absolutely disgusting.

i can't stand myself.

and i have other stuff to do, that isn't hard, i just feel paralyzed. 
I have to call Mrs W about singing at the wedding.
I have to call and schedule an appt. with the cake lady.
I have to email Fr Ben about the rehersal.

nothing hard.  Just... stuff.  and i keep putting it off.
because i just can't think about anything. 
I'm trying to think about molecular pathology, molecular diagnositcs, and law and ethics in health care.
so that i can pass the finals and graduate in two weeks. 
but even that isn't working because I'm so stressed out.

i'm so stressed out.


(Title: lyrics to Uphill Battle by Saosin)

Can't breathe

What on earth is going on with me now?

I had to take a xanax at work yesterday. But then I couldn't work much longer because I zoned out.

I've been fighting the urge all day to take one.  I finally gave in and took half.  I figured I'd take one right before class tonight so that I don't freak out for the presentation.  But I already took half.... so I guess I'll be taking another half in an hour and a half...

I'm shaking like crazy.  And you know that weird feeling when it feels like you insides are going to drop down and then you get all warm and your heart starts racing?  That keeps happening... but... every other minute.  I keep getting that horrible anxiety-ridden feeling.  All the freaking time.  And that feeling scares me.  Because it reminds me of panic attacks.  And then I get scared because I'm on campus, currently by myself, and, not that I ever want to have a panic attack, but I sure as hell don't want to have another one here when I'm stuck on campus for another 4.5 hours.  Especially since I do have to give a solo presentation.  And if I have a full blown one... then I'm screwed. 

I'm not even that worried about the presentation.  I know the material inside and out-- it's my own case history for pete's sake.  It only has to be 10-15 minutes.  And it's for classmates that I've known for at least 2 years.  Plus, no one will be paying attention, or remember how I do.  So really, it's not even the presentation.

I don't know what it is.  I just can't wait for school to be over because I can't handle everything all at once.  I haven't been able to exercise, which I know isn't helping anything, because I've either been too tired, or too busy.  Or yesterday- when I had time and energy-- my right knee hurt so badly that I couldn't workout. After the presentation, I only have two more lectures to sit through and then three finals (that are, unfortunately, all scheduled on the same day-- which happens to be the day right after the wedding shower... great timing (i would have scheduled the wedding shower for a different day but our professors screwed up the scheduling so I didn't even know when two of my finals were going to be until two days ago...).
That same week I have my first dress fitting, that I'm scared for because I've barely been able to exercise.
I have to train Rachael how to do stuff in the lab, and how to autoclave, etc.  Plus I have to do stuff in the lab and autoclave.  I have to help Dr. LP organize our MLS lab (which will be after finals, and which will be fun because that lab needs so much work- and i like organizing things).  I'm really behind at work.  I need to call Mrs W. about singing at the wedding.  I have to mail out invitations.  I have to get together all of the centerpiece stuff.

The stupid thing is- is that I don't even care about that.  The stuff I just listed... none of that is bad.  It's just... that it's all there and in the way.  I'm so busy and always thinking about or doing SOMETHING that I haven't had time to process ANYTHING. 

I can't breathe.  I JUST CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE. 

Scary

I have a diagnosis now.  Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease.

I'm doing a presentation on it tonight for class.  That'll be interesting.

I'm pretty much indifferent about this.  I'm done with school in 12 days.

Nathan has to have heart surgery.  First he has to get a more invasive type of of echo on it.
But two of his heart valves are a lot more damaged than his doctors first thought.

The thought of him going through surgery scares me.  I know he'll be fine.  I know the surgery will help him.  I know this.
But then I picture him laying him on the table and a doctor hovering over him with a scalpel.  And then to change/ fix two heart valves... wouldn't they have to STOP his heart? 
ds;dklfa'sdklfsadigfjasdkfnds;asef;'ind'akiknoicna

School needs to be over now.  It's just in the way now. 

last college paper

Had the MRI of my brain this morning.  Now I have to play the waiting game until the 21st. 

I had leave my house this morning by 6:45.  So, needless to say, I'm wiped out yet again because my only day of sleeping in... I wasn't able to sleep in.  Meeeh.

I have to write my paper on sickle cell anemia today.  I have it all researched and a rough draft somewhat written in my notebook.  Now it's just a matter of typing it.  I like sickle cell anemia (i like learning about it- not that it exists), so it's not that I don't want to write it.  I just don't have the motivation or drive to do it. 
I'm tired and have a headache and just want to curl up and sleep.

I took a 3.5 hour nap yesterday afternoon after the diagnostics lab final.  I'm pretty sure my new medication should not allow that to happen... Hm.

There's an NCIS marathon starting in 45 minutes... maybe I'll take a break until then, and then type the paper as I watch it... since chances are I've seen all of them and Gibbs and Abby can keep me company in the background.

I'm sick of feeling this way.

i need a reason

i'm not doing alright today.
the doctor appointment i had today was the worst one of them all.
i dont have it in me to explain right now.

i am so utterly defeated i dont even know what to do with myself.

i still have the MRI on saturday and an appt w. dr V on the 21st.
if the MRI shows nothing, then i'm done. i quit. 
i can't handle this anymore.

i never ate dinner.  unless a pear counts for dinner. 
i was with nathan so i made myself eat something for him.


but i miss the anorexia.
the anorexia gave me a reason to feel sick.
it gave me a reason to not have kids (and to not have to admit that i'm not having them because I'm scared I can't handle it).
there was no mystery as to why i was tired, why i had headaches, why i couldn't focus, why my whole body ached.

i need a reason for why i'm still feeling all of that.

and i know how to create it.

no song lyric title. just stuff.

i need an off-switch for my brain.  i need an eraser so i can erase the memories.

i can't sleep tonight.  i close my eyes but just have flashbacks.

every once in awhile the memories come flooding in from nowhere.  completely unexpected everytime.

aww, i just got off the phone with Nathan again--- he had called me a few minutes ago because he saw me online and we hadn't talked all day because he worked until midnight after being in class all morning/ afternoon.  i was kind of quiet on the phone and didn't want to bring anything up because he has to get up early and it's past 1am and he needed to go to bed.  not even a minute later he called back, "are you okay tonight?  is there something bothering you?"  i said "it's been kind of a rough night... a lot of memories". 
"about what?" 
"growing up.... it really sucked back then"
-pause-
then i said "i don't know where they came from.  it's silly, i'll be fine"
we talked for a few more minutes but finally i said "okay seriously- go to bed so tomorrow doesn't completely suck for you".  he laughed and said "ok" and we said our 'i love you's and hung up.

i started crying again when he called.  i don't know if he could tell.  i thanked him for calling me again. 

he said "i can't wait for us to be married and to be together at night so that on nights like these you don't have to be alone".

i can't wait either. 
all i need right now is a nathan hug. 

59 more days.

but seriously- these stupid memories and flashbacks are silly.  and i feel so dumb for being so bothered by them every time.
it's unnecessary.

i wanted to get up early. 
i dont' know if that will be a good idea or not...
i hope i fall asleep soon.
i can't remember if i took rozerem or not.  i can't take more than one.  but i don't know if i've already taken one. 
oh well.

i'll sleep eventually, right?

All over the place

I haven't been avoiding writing or anything lately, have I?  Nah... it's just been a week and a half...

Summary of the last week and a half:  I got a nasty cold.  My professor gave me crap about not taking the exam on Monday (then called my mom and burst into tears and had to go to Nathan's house because I couldn't stop crying for over an hour).  I took it Wednesday anyway and it was fine.  Finished my ethics paper.  Procrastinated on my molecular pathology paper.  Haven't studied for the molecular diagnostics lab final that is this Friday yet.  Nathan officially become Catholic last Saturday at the Easter Vigil!!!  I cried because I was soo happy! :)  Decided I don't like the new narcolepsy medication yet I haven't switched back to my old one yet.  Found some good verses while reading the bible two nights ago that are making me a lot less freaked out about things.  Had a fun birthday celebration with my niece turning 6 last week and had a fun Easter celebration with my nieces and my 8 month old nephew running/ crawling around the house on Sunday.  And... that's about it.


Today Nathan's sister, Bethany, came over to help mom sew her bridesmaid dress.  I'm completely confused now.  I always thought we were about the same size. But I saw her measurements written down and realized I am FIVE inches smaller than her everywhere.  Bust, waist, hips, everywhere!  Seriously?  How is that even possible?  I feel like I'm as big as her.  How are my eyes that messed up?  How is my body image that disorted that I add at least 5 inches to myself.  I spent the rest of the afternoon looking at Bethany trying to figure it out.  I don't think she's all that big (even though I wouldn't be okay with it for me..), so if I'm smaller than her than I can't be all that big, either?  BUT I AM HUGE.  I don't get it.  I just don't get it. 

I've been getting stricter with myself about eating.  Not restricting... just... progressively more perfectionistic about it. 

Susan told me last week in therapy that, although she's a health care professional and cares for my wellbeing and could never be okay with me falling back into anorexia, she said she COMPLETELY understands why it would make sense to, in my mind.  She said, "well sure, why wouldn't you?"  and I couldn't answer her. 
In my mind, my body is going to be sick and exhausted either way.  When I'm eating well, I'm still tired.  And I'm still unhappy with my size.  But, if I stop eating, I'll be tired.  But- I'll have a reason why I'm tired so it won't be as frustrating.  Because at least then, my exhaustion wouldn't be a mystery that no one could figure out. It's easy to figure out if I'm not eating. Plus, I wouldn't be as unhappy with my size anymore. 
If I'm going to feel sick everyday of my life, I might as well get something out of it (ie: weight loss), right?  At least be able to control SOMETHING.  Because ever since I've been hom from IP, I've eaten well and have tried to lose weight, and it has been sooo difficult.  And then, my body crashes and I'm unable to exercise for X amount of time because I'm too sick, so of course I can't lose weight... because my body sucks and continues to be sick... even though I feed it now.  So why bother feeding it? 

It hates me- I'll hate it back.

I'm glad she said she understood that.  Not because I need her "approval" to relapse (not that I'm relapsing), but I'm just relieved that my logic (or lack there of) isn't so out in left field that I've lost all reason. 


Then she asked if I thought I'd still be alive if I hadn't gone into IP treatment. 
I said, "No".
"Then isn't that worth it?"
"I guess so, but now it isn't.  If I gave in, it would be one less battle I'd be fighting right now.  I'd have a reason for feeling like shit, and it would be in my control so it wouldn't be so mentally painful as it is now.  I need a reason to feel this sick.  I need to at least get something out of it.  At least have some sort of control over it." 
"But you have a reason you feel so sick"
"Sure, I have some mystery sleep disorder no one has ever seen before and can't fix, and a rising ANA titer no one can figure out.  And no treatment can fix a brain, so I'm pretty much sick forever, aren't I?  I might as well at least feel comfortable in my body if I'm going to feel like this."


Then she asked why I continue to eat well when it's my choice and I don't like what I'm doing now.
I said, "because no one will get it.  people will worry and get hurt.  Nathan won't like it. I can't hurt Nathan. My mom will freak out.  Jayme, my family, no one would leave me alone about it.  it's NOT my choice."
She tried to convince me it was still my choice but it's hard to agree with her on that one.

But she said, from my point of view, she understands why I would think this way.  Which was nice to finally hear.  No one else gets it.  

So, that was last Thursday.  Like I said, I haven't been restricting.  I'm staying within my range... but I'm being a lot more strict. 
I think stress is getting to me.
I'm done with college in 20 days and I'm getting married in 60 days (!!!).  It's happy stress, but stress nonetheless.  I feel very pressured. 



Here are the verses that are helping me not freak out about my appt with the sleep specialist on Thursday or the MRI of my brain this Saturday, or the follow up appt with my neurologist after that.

"Do not give into sadness, torment not yourself with brooding; Gladness of heart is the very life of man, cheerfulness prolongs his days.  Distract yourself, renew your courage, drive resentment far away from you;  For worry has brought death to many, not is there aught to be gained from resentment.  Envy and anger shorten one's life, worry brings on premature old age..."  Sirach 30: 21-25

and

"Terrified by what his mind's eye sees, like a fugitive being pursued; As he reaches safety, he wakes up astonished that there was nothing to fear."  Sirach 40:7-8

and, for when I'm scared to hope- in fear that I'll be more hurt if I'm optomistic than completely hopeless, I've been praying this:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you many abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13





I've been going back and forth a lot between thinking I'll be sick forever to believing in God's power to heal- and trying to trust that He'll help me through life.. Because if nathan and I are meant to have children- He has to provide some way for it to happen, because right now, I don't think I'd be able to physically manage it.

And I guess that's another reason why I don't find an ED so bad anymore-  For awhile I was scared I'd ruin my ability to become pregnant and be a mommy.  But now, it seems like I can't do that because I literally cannot function off the narcolepsy medication.  And I can't control that. 
At least I'd have a reason people could understand if I was simply infertile.  But if I am fertile, then I feel selfish for not "sucking it up", going off the meds, and raising kids while having zero energy.  I can't control that.  I can (and have) control(led) the loss of periods for years and years.  And at least that makes sense. 

I know this is all very illogical.  I know that I'd be even sicker if I wasn't eating.  I'd have less "good" days (read: less "function somewhat normally" days).  I'd still have osteopenia- or even have progressed to osteoporosis... and lose all hope of running.

I feel like I'm going crazy.
I have a headache.  It feels like there is pressure within my skull. 
I'm so tired today.  4 cups of coffee on top of my new medication... no help.

When I don't feel well, it's hard to feel hopeful.  Or to see why I should keep trying.

a day of nothing

i have not done anything today.
tomorrow is my niece's 6th birthday, so of course i'm going there after Mass tomorrow.

I'm getting  a sore throat.  More sore than my usual sore throat.

i try to study, try to focus on anything and after 5 minutes i can't even think hard enough to understand what i'm reading. 

i haven't heard back from my professors about the exam on monday.  but at this rate, i won't be ready. 

i don't know if the new narcolepsy med isn't working, or if I need to adjust to it, or if i'm getting sick and my body is fighting something? 
I feel absolutely horrible.  All of me aches and my brain is in a giant cloud of fog. 

i feel like so lazy.  but it's not like i haven't been trying.  i have been.  but i have been physically and mentally unable to do so.

i guess i have to trust that my professors won't make me take the exam on monday.  but it's hard for me to trust that.  i could always just not show up, except that we have a class right before the exam that wouldn't be good to miss.

i don't know.  i'm all over the place.
i need to finish the purse i'm knitting for my niece, too.  I'm almost done.  I'm just too apathetic to do it.
There's always tomorrow morning, right?  I'm going to the 1:30 Mass tomorrow...
My original plan was to work in the morning before Mass, but at this point, I don't think I can.  I have too much to do, plus I don't feel capable of thinking that hard.  I need to email my boss and let him know I've been sick lately and that's why i haven't gone in much...

I hate falling short in what i do.

i feel like a bad student, a bad employee, a bad friend, and a bad daughter. 

i can't take this anymore.

down for the count

I'm so exhausted today.  My head is one giant cloud of fog.  My neurologist gave me a free sample of a different narcolepsy medication to take in the morning.  all it is is the active ingredient from the one I'm already taking.  So I took it this morning and had 3 cups of coffee and I"m still completely exhausted.  I guess it isn't fair to say the nuvigil isn't working since I've been more exhausted than normal lately so it has more to fight against.  But I feel like I could fall asleep right now which is kind of defeating the purpose of it.  But emotional stress can be really draining, especially for me, so I'll give it time.

Except I don't have a lot of time because I have an exam Monday and I've barely studied for it. I've been trying off and on all day and I'm getting nowhere.  I'm so tired I can't think hard enough to make sense of anything I'm reading.  Jayme's coming over tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to concentrate by tomorrow.  But who knows.

I hate asking for more time for exams.  I always feel so weird and guilty and weak.  Like professors will think less of me.  But my professors know me well enough by now to know I'm not asking for more time simply because I've been too lazy to study.  I hope so, anyway.  I emailed them this morning... but I haven't heard back from either one of them and it's already 4pm on a Friday... so I"m getting nervous that they aren't going to get the email until Monday morning and I won't know either way until then...

I was hoping to catch you yesterday when I stopped by campus but I couldn't find either of you.  I wanted to keep you updated.  I had another appointment with my neurologist yesterday with more upsetting news and with more tests and follow ups scheduled.  These last few weeks have been physically and emotionally draining, and it's taking a lot of effort to just keep myself from completely falling apart.  With all of these things hitting one right after the other, I'm finding it really difficult to be able to concentrate.  I'm doing the best I can to be prepared for the exam on Monday but, under the circumstances, I was wondering if I could have a plan B and have the option to take the exam on Wednesday, if absolutely necessary.
-Andi

I hope they email me soon.  I need some sort of reassurance I'll be okay.

"as it all comes crashing down"

The last two days have been so draining.  Not to mention this whole week, this whole month.  I'm so exhausted.

Yesterday I found out my ANA titer has doubled again and is now 640.  And yet, the stupid rheumatologist was like "oh, that's not a big deal".  Like hell it is.  But all of the other tests were negative.  And my clinical symptoms aren't severe enough to categorize me into any diagnosis.  which is fine- it's not like I wanted to have lupus or anything- but honestly i just want an answer.  But then she asked how much motrin or other NSAID I was taking per day and i said up to 9 motrin- since that's the max amount i could have when i fractured my bones.  She said with my pain i could take up to 12 a day as needed.
Okay, so... my symptoms aren't bad enough for you but I can take more motrin than i could take when i had a broken bone?  Um... okay.
So I left completely defeated.  I went to TA lab and i sat there doing absolutely nothing.  I left to go talk to Jayme and Nathan when they called me back.  otherwise, i sat there in a daze, trying not to cry.  I did direct a couple of students to which red bucket had bleach water for their slides.  Um, that's about it.


So then this morning, I went into my neurology appointment, ready for it to be the last time I was going to see Dr V.  I knew he was about to give up on me since last time he said he was out of ideas.  But... when I told him about my ANA levels and how they've increased even within the last two weeks his mind went into full gear again.  He knows my sleep disorder is definitely something wrong with how my sleep cycles in the night.  Something within my brain is disrupting the sleep cycle and keeping me in stage 2 for pretty much the whole night.  He asked if I've ever had an MRI of my head- I said no.  So he wants me to get one to look for pockets of inflammation within my brain.
He also doesn't think that I'm lucky enough to have all of these rare illnesses all separately ("that's like one person getting struck by lightning 4 times).  He agrees that this has to be one thing going on and he thinks that the ANA level is what's going to bring it all together.  ANA can be an indication of inflammation- and obviously even though I'm having muscle and joint pain, it's not manifesting itself much in my joints because, while they hurt and are stiff, they aren't inflamed.  So... he's wondering if the inflammation is actually within my brain.  He said, "this could be causing the sleep problems, pain, and SVT (my heart issue), and possibly even the bipolar disorder". 
He said a lot of times when this happens, the patients are obviously sick but never quite enough for a diagnosis.  He said it's what they call a "lupus-like syndrome".  It's autoimmune but doesn't manifest like what would typically be seen.

I had originally asked him for ideas of where to go next.  He said there's a guy in a hospital in detroit that has a lot of experience with sleep disorders i could go to, but that it take a while to get into him.  But he said there's a doctor within the neurological clinic Dr V works in that trained under that doctor and would be good to get a second opinion with.
So I see her on the 8th and get the MRI on the 10th.  I need to schedule a follow up with Dr V but the lady at the front desk didn't seem that was necessary... even though the MRI is after I'm seeing anyone and I need to know those results... plus, Dr V books up really quickly... so I think I'm going to call the office tomorrow and try to get something in as soon as possible.

I'm scared to hope.  But maybe this is it.  But again, how many times have I said this?
I sat in my car after the appointment and just cried.  But at least today I wasn't crying because I felt defeated... I was crying because I was overwhelmed and that appointment was nothing like I had expected or prepared for.

The stupid rheumatologist on Wednesday was horrible.  I refuse to go back to her.
Dr V has another rheumatologist he's going to recommend if in fact there is inflammation in my brain.
I said, "Please no more Beaumont doctors.  Beaumont doctors suck".  He laughed and promised me the other doctor was through St Johns.  I said, "Good.  I hate Beaumont.  Their doctors are all idiots".  He got a good chuckle out of that (he's a St Johns doctor).

so... basically now I"m stressing out because I haven't studied at all or started my papers or my presentations.
I have a killer exam on Monday that I haven't even looked at yet.  And I missed two of the lectures because of panic attacks and I was hoping to see the professor today when I stopped by on campus to explain this to her but she wasn't there.  I started an email to her but it sounded stupid so i didn't send it.  I'm not trying to get out of the exam on monday- i just need to know that if by chance i'm not able to do anything this weekend I have that option.

I'm so overwhelmed.

Which I feel is silly... it's not like I got "bad" news today.  I don't have lupus or RA.  I should just be happy and relieved.
But now I'm just more on edge wondering what my brain will show.
And again scared for a negative result.

If there is no inflammation in my brain- I'm giving up.  I'm throwing in the towel and stopping the search for an answer.
I can't take it anymore.


(Title: "Paper Tigers" by Thrice)

Nerves

My appt is in 30 minutes.
This might require the other half of xanax.  but maybe not until afterwards...
I keep getting the sensation of when my stomach drops and does a flip.   and perhaps a cartwheel and a backhand spring and somersaults and a whole gymnatics routine.  My insides are very talented like that.

I'm so nervous.  I don't want a negative result, I don't want a postive result, and I really don't want to have to meet yet another doctor and explain my 10 year history all over again and go through all of this all over again. 

It's way too draining.

Why is my health always beyond my grasp?

Is health too much to ask for?

Friends and support

I went with Jayme to her grandma's to sit Shiva today.  I'm really glad I went.  I met a bunch of her family and heard great stories about her grandma and got to give Jayme a few big hugs and talk with her.

We went for a walk and talked about life, death, and everything in between.  I'm so glad we have each other to talk and vent about eating disorders, bipolar disorder, anxiety and self injury with.  Because we both have awesome significant others who are fantastic at listening and supporting us through this stuff, but they don't GET IT.  They've never lived or struggled through what Jayme and I have.  She can say something and I understand exactly.  I say something and she understands exactly.  It's almost scary how much alike our minds work.
As our walk was ending she mentioned she hopes that we never end up triggering each other.  But I honestly don't think we ever will.  Neither does she.  She said "as long as we're always honest with each other, i'm sure we'll be fine".  and I dont feel like i'm in a place where i could be triggered, or get to place where i could trigger her. Plus, we're both far along in our recoveries that we're not actively engaging in ED behavior and aside from last week's brick-wall-meets-andi's-hand incident, SI hasn't been much of an issue, either.  I know it isn't for her anymore.
Besides, we never talk about specifics.  We talk in general terms- mostly about the anxiety behind things and the hell of being bipolar and medications and stupid doctors, and vent about our idiot classmates.

So yeah- I'm glad we have each other.  And I'm glad I was able to go and be there with her today.

My doctor appointment is tomorrow...  I almost picked up the results from my GP today on the way to Jayme's house- but since I'd be able to interpret the results, I didn't think it was a good time to see them....

Nathan has an appointment tomorrow morning at the VA hospital to get his heart checked out again since it's been years since it was last checked (he has a progressive heart valve condition).  I'm nervous about that, and amazed at how calm he is about the whole thing.  He's such a great example for me. He's my rock.

"Fading, all these lights just turn to grey"

I have to be honest- mentally I am not doing okay.

I was laying in bed last night and I was trying to figure out how I was feeling, and all I kept imagining was a really strong wind. You know the wind that is going so hard that it's difficult to even stand up straight, letalone walk forward?  I feel like I am up against that wind.  And if at any moment I relax, the wind will knock me over and carry me away. 
And then I couldn't figure out which situation I was feeling.  Both, it seems.  I feel like I'm standing still with the world rushing past me.  And all my efforts to move forward or get anywhere are in vain. 
Othertimes I feel like I'm just going with the flow, mindlessly getting through my days.

My days are so unproductive.  I'm barely studying.  I'm barely making it into work.  I'm barely getting anything done around the house. I haven't wanted to be around people.  I've been unable to exercise more days than not (yesterday and today were two more rest days, and tomorrow will be one, too, because of classes and my doctor appointment...).
I'm not sleeping well.  I'm completely exhausted.  Whatever illness I have is flairing up and I can tell my body is crashing.  I just don't feel well. 

My eating is unbalanced.  I've stopped tracking it because I can't put forth the effort.  I've been eating weird combinations, and weird things to make up a "meal".  I'm probably eating over my range, but I don't have it in me to check.  I just dont' even care.  I do care, though.  That's the problem.  I do care, so it's driving me crazy that I don't have the energy to do anything about it.  But I can tell I stopped losing weight- not surprisingly- but I'm not okay with that.  I don't to be stuck where I'm at.  And I know my body can't handle not eating.  Or even eating less.  My body is already so... weak... from battling my illnesses that it doesn't have the strength to handle being punished by me.  So that can't even be an option.  Which I guess is a good thing, but it still sucks.

I feel stuck.  and unbalanced.

I don't know what is fueling this.  I had been doing so well.  Is this the aftermath of my week full of multiple panic attacks?  Did it mess with the bipolar?  Did the xanax change something?  I haven't been taking it much- it's been a few days.  but I don't know. 
Is it my doctor appt tomorrow and my fear of getting the results back? 
Is it my lack of interest in this semester and subsequent excitement to graduate in 5 weeks and be done with my stupid university?
Is it the stress of the wedding?  Even though I'm not necessarily stressed about the wedding itself... more just the fact I have to be an adult and do adult things.  That scares me. I know it does.

So I don't know.  I'm just numb.
And I can't lean on Jayme right now, and Nathan is busy with his course load and work schedule.
Maybe I should have more than two friends?  Eh, I have other friends, just no one else I'm close with.

Nathan is going to the VA hospital tomorrow to get his heart checked out.  He has a heart condition- that's why he got out of the Navy.  And he hasn't been checked out since he left.  So tomorrow we both get important news.  Eventually he may require heart surgery which scares me so much... I can't even think about it.

I feel like I'm all over the place.  But at the same time, I'm not moving anywhere.  I'm standing in the wind, struggling just to keep upright, and the world is rushing past me, without me. 
And I feel completely powerless.




(Title: Lyrics to"Changing" by Saosin)

"Thank you for ending her pain"

Talked to Jayme finally today.  She says everything seems really surreal and that she's sort of checked out like she normally does in this type of situation.  She wanted to keep talking but she had to go sit Shiva, and then I asked her what that was like and she explained it and then said I was welcomed to come.  I want to go tonight, especially since I'm already half way there (from my house) but I have class tonight.  I could easily not TA (since that's been the trend lately...), but I skipped ethics last week because of the panic attacks so I really can't again this week.  I told her I'd be there tomorrow.  She seemed happy to hear that.  I was just happy to know I was welcomed.  I told her how my dad said that typically Jewish tradition only allows family to be involved in the funeral and Shiva and stuff and she said no, that anyone is welcomed.  So I'm glad I can be there for her in that way, too.  Not just in going to class to take good notes for her and getting extra power point handouts. 

I miss her.  I typically only get to see her Mondays and Wednesdays for class, anyway, which i never think is enough, but now that all of this is going on it really isn't enough.  I need to be there to give her a hug.

If only we didn't live an hour away from each other.





(Title: "supernatural" by Flyleaf)

dilemma

I don't know what to do right now.

I'm utterly exhausted.  But I wanted to workout before I went to work since I have the house to myself for the afternoon.  But I'm really tired and my calves are really achey from running two days ago without my new orthotics, and logically, I know I shouldn't workout today.  But then... what if I can't workout tomorrow?  Or Wednesday?  Then I'm skipping even more days.  And I can't skip more days. 

Why can't I?

I don't know.  Because then it wouldn't be enough.  Because then I would feel obligated to overdo it on the other days to "make up" for today.  So I want to workout today "just in case" i can't workout Monday and/or Wednesday.  Because I'm going to regret taking today off later. Because I hate my body.  Because I'm not used to treating it well and resting when it needs it.  Because my anxiety is really high and I need some sort of release, and what other release, besides cutting, is there? 

I'm sitting here in my workout clothes debating what to do.
This is pathetic. 
But right now, I feel too tired to even go to work.  Letalone workout before going to work.

I don't want to be alone today.
But Nathan can't come over later like he usually does on Sundays.
and my parents are babysitting my nieces.  I could go over there, but I don't feel up to that, either.

I feel like I'm nothing.
I feel nonexistant.
I feel incapable of doing anything.
But really, I don't feel much at all.

gone

jayme called me tonight.  i missed the call.
she left a voicemail.  her grandma died this afternoon.
i've never heard jayme cry before. 
i called her back but she didn't pick up.
i want to be there with her. 
i've never heard her cry.

"Shout for shout's sake"

I don't know how it's Saturday night already. 

I haven't been very productive lately.  I have no ambition.  Actually, I do.  I just don't feel I have it in me to follow through with anything.

Yesterday was in the mid-60s and sunny.  I wore shorts and a tanktop and went for a run.  A short run, but still.  I ran outside!  Today was 30 degrees with snow flurries... so that sucked.  But at least yesterday was nice.

 Jayme's grandma has leukemia (CMML) and has been getting sicker and sicker.  On Thursday night Jayme called me to tell me that she entered into hospice care.  Her grandma had wanted to do hospice at home but the doctor said she had so little time left it wouldn't have been worth it.  She called me this morning to tell me she was on her way to the hospital again because they got the call saying it was only a matter of hours.  I've been praying for her, for her grandma, for her whole family.  I know that's the best thing I could do for them, but it never seems like enough.  Jayme said not to expect a call from her tonight, but maybe by tomorrow. 
My heart is breaking over a woman I've never met... my best friend's grandma. 
At least now it will be over and Jayme and her family can grieve and move on.  They've been in limbo for so long that it has really taken a toll on everyone.


Mom wants to play Myst tonight (exploring mystery puzzle computer game).  She's been bugging me about it for awhile.  We started it awhile ago and I haven't been home or had the time to sit down and get further into it.

I don't want to play it tonight.  I just want to stay in my room and be alone.  The thought of leaving my room sent me in a tizzy and I took half a xanax just to be safe. 
This can't be normal.

 I hurt all over today.  legs, back, feet, head, muscles, bones, nerves.

and my mind. 

i just want to hide away and make today go away.
but i won't be living here much longer, so i feel guilty not playing the game with mom.
i just don't feel up to it and don't know how to tell her that with her getting all worked up that something is wrong with me right now.

I feel like crying.  and cutting.  but mostly just crying.
i dont know why.  i just do.



(Title: lyrics to "Lost symphonies" by Saosin)