I typed my blood in lab today. I'm A positive! Neat-o.
i also find it ironic that, of course, even my blood is an overachiever.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
low high low
i didn't take my BB this morning because I wanted to be able to function and think during lecture. 15 minutes into clin chem (so, 12:15pm) I started shaking like crazy. I couldn't sit still. I had to get up and move but I couldn't. I was the farthest from the door. And I was sitting right in front of the prof. My mind was going a million miles an hour. i had to move some part of my body at all times or I thought I would explode.
Luckily i had BB with me. but no water. but at 1245 i managed to take it without water. i had to wait for it to kick in and make me tired.
He gave us a couple minute break at 1. I bolted out of the room- wanting to pace the hall. Except some of my other profs were standing in the hallway talking so I went over the stair well and started jumping up and down trying to get the shakeyness to go away. didn't work. on the way back i saw a builiten board with an extra tack. which i took. so during class i used that so i could focus on the sharpness of it and not my crazy mind and the need to move.
by 130 i felt myself slow down. i was still shaking, but not as quickly.
at the moment (3:30) I feel the need to lay down and take a nap. Except i'm stuck on campus and have a class at 4. physically, my body is still shaking, but it isn't because I feel the need to move. my mind is slower, but not normal.
but what is weird is that i didn't take the BB until 330 yesterday because i wanted to go to work before i took it so that i could actually focus. i was fine. i took it at 330 and took it again before bed.
so why do i go crazy on certain days???
i don't get it.
i tried to call my pdoc. i left a message and now i'm playing the waiting game.
my T wanted me to last week to tell her about the week before. and the subsequent crash i had (am having). so once it happened again with the BB i figured i'd call her and at least inform her. she can't DO anything about it, but at least i can tell her.
it's weird that this happens.
i don't want to go to class.
but the grade is based soley on attendance. so unless i want a 3.5 in the easist class i'll ever have, i better not skip. damn it.
i need to lay down.
i feel like crap now.
Luckily i had BB with me. but no water. but at 1245 i managed to take it without water. i had to wait for it to kick in and make me tired.
He gave us a couple minute break at 1. I bolted out of the room- wanting to pace the hall. Except some of my other profs were standing in the hallway talking so I went over the stair well and started jumping up and down trying to get the shakeyness to go away. didn't work. on the way back i saw a builiten board with an extra tack. which i took. so during class i used that so i could focus on the sharpness of it and not my crazy mind and the need to move.
by 130 i felt myself slow down. i was still shaking, but not as quickly.
at the moment (3:30) I feel the need to lay down and take a nap. Except i'm stuck on campus and have a class at 4. physically, my body is still shaking, but it isn't because I feel the need to move. my mind is slower, but not normal.
but what is weird is that i didn't take the BB until 330 yesterday because i wanted to go to work before i took it so that i could actually focus. i was fine. i took it at 330 and took it again before bed.
so why do i go crazy on certain days???
i don't get it.
i tried to call my pdoc. i left a message and now i'm playing the waiting game.
my T wanted me to last week to tell her about the week before. and the subsequent crash i had (am having). so once it happened again with the BB i figured i'd call her and at least inform her. she can't DO anything about it, but at least i can tell her.
it's weird that this happens.
i don't want to go to class.
but the grade is based soley on attendance. so unless i want a 3.5 in the easist class i'll ever have, i better not skip. damn it.
i need to lay down.
i feel like crap now.
awake
i'm having a hard time tonight.
This happens every once in awhile. I think the last time was when Nathan and I were in Maryland- at my sister's house.
It happens right as I"m on the brink of falling asleep- i get really panicky then jolt awake. last time the only thing that helped was cutting. which i felt guilty about because Nathan was sleeping near me and I could have woken him up instead.
i tried tonight and i was surprised he actually picked up. but he was only awake because he said he has the worst headache he's ever had. i felt bad unloading stuff on him, and he needed to go. i'm not mad at him, so i feel rotten saying this but DAMN IT. that was the first time i actually called someone at 1am because i needed help. so many people say "call me, no matter how late it is". and i always say "okay, thanks" but i know i'll never do it, because i HATE waking people up. and i hate asking to talk. and i usually would rather cut. so i'm frustrated that it backfired.
but on the other hand, i'm kinda worried for him. headaches shouldn't be that bad. especially when he doesn't have a history of them.
he said he thinks it's starting to feel better. i don't know if he said that for my sake though.
so now i'm stuck. i'm not calling anyone else, but i don't dare try to close my eyes voluntarily. which means i have to keep myself awake until it's physically impossible not to. maybe that way i'll fall asleep without panicking.
i've tried thinking different things. hoping that it would lead me to a different dream, and away from the panic. i can't even describe the thoughts that come with the panic. just that every comepletely off topic thought process leads me right back to it.
i hate these nights.
i don't want to give in. but i do need to sleep.
i tried a healthy alternative... i'm not sure where that leaves me.
This happens every once in awhile. I think the last time was when Nathan and I were in Maryland- at my sister's house.
It happens right as I"m on the brink of falling asleep- i get really panicky then jolt awake. last time the only thing that helped was cutting. which i felt guilty about because Nathan was sleeping near me and I could have woken him up instead.
i tried tonight and i was surprised he actually picked up. but he was only awake because he said he has the worst headache he's ever had. i felt bad unloading stuff on him, and he needed to go. i'm not mad at him, so i feel rotten saying this but DAMN IT. that was the first time i actually called someone at 1am because i needed help. so many people say "call me, no matter how late it is". and i always say "okay, thanks" but i know i'll never do it, because i HATE waking people up. and i hate asking to talk. and i usually would rather cut. so i'm frustrated that it backfired.
but on the other hand, i'm kinda worried for him. headaches shouldn't be that bad. especially when he doesn't have a history of them.
he said he thinks it's starting to feel better. i don't know if he said that for my sake though.
so now i'm stuck. i'm not calling anyone else, but i don't dare try to close my eyes voluntarily. which means i have to keep myself awake until it's physically impossible not to. maybe that way i'll fall asleep without panicking.
i've tried thinking different things. hoping that it would lead me to a different dream, and away from the panic. i can't even describe the thoughts that come with the panic. just that every comepletely off topic thought process leads me right back to it.
i hate these nights.
i don't want to give in. but i do need to sleep.
i tried a healthy alternative... i'm not sure where that leaves me.
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