i have not done anything today.
tomorrow is my niece's 6th birthday, so of course i'm going there after Mass tomorrow.
I'm getting a sore throat. More sore than my usual sore throat.
i try to study, try to focus on anything and after 5 minutes i can't even think hard enough to understand what i'm reading.
i haven't heard back from my professors about the exam on monday. but at this rate, i won't be ready.
i don't know if the new narcolepsy med isn't working, or if I need to adjust to it, or if i'm getting sick and my body is fighting something?
I feel absolutely horrible. All of me aches and my brain is in a giant cloud of fog.
i feel like so lazy. but it's not like i haven't been trying. i have been. but i have been physically and mentally unable to do so.
i guess i have to trust that my professors won't make me take the exam on monday. but it's hard for me to trust that. i could always just not show up, except that we have a class right before the exam that wouldn't be good to miss.
i don't know. i'm all over the place.
i need to finish the purse i'm knitting for my niece, too. I'm almost done. I'm just too apathetic to do it.
There's always tomorrow morning, right? I'm going to the 1:30 Mass tomorrow...
My original plan was to work in the morning before Mass, but at this point, I don't think I can. I have too much to do, plus I don't feel capable of thinking that hard. I need to email my boss and let him know I've been sick lately and that's why i haven't gone in much...
I hate falling short in what i do.
i feel like a bad student, a bad employee, a bad friend, and a bad daughter.
i can't take this anymore.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
down for the count
I'm so exhausted today. My head is one giant cloud of fog. My neurologist gave me a free sample of a different narcolepsy medication to take in the morning. all it is is the active ingredient from the one I'm already taking. So I took it this morning and had 3 cups of coffee and I"m still completely exhausted. I guess it isn't fair to say the nuvigil isn't working since I've been more exhausted than normal lately so it has more to fight against. But I feel like I could fall asleep right now which is kind of defeating the purpose of it. But emotional stress can be really draining, especially for me, so I'll give it time.
Except I don't have a lot of time because I have an exam Monday and I've barely studied for it. I've been trying off and on all day and I'm getting nowhere. I'm so tired I can't think hard enough to make sense of anything I'm reading. Jayme's coming over tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to concentrate by tomorrow. But who knows.
I hate asking for more time for exams. I always feel so weird and guilty and weak. Like professors will think less of me. But my professors know me well enough by now to know I'm not asking for more time simply because I've been too lazy to study. I hope so, anyway. I emailed them this morning... but I haven't heard back from either one of them and it's already 4pm on a Friday... so I"m getting nervous that they aren't going to get the email until Monday morning and I won't know either way until then...
Except I don't have a lot of time because I have an exam Monday and I've barely studied for it. I've been trying off and on all day and I'm getting nowhere. I'm so tired I can't think hard enough to make sense of anything I'm reading. Jayme's coming over tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to concentrate by tomorrow. But who knows.
I hate asking for more time for exams. I always feel so weird and guilty and weak. Like professors will think less of me. But my professors know me well enough by now to know I'm not asking for more time simply because I've been too lazy to study. I hope so, anyway. I emailed them this morning... but I haven't heard back from either one of them and it's already 4pm on a Friday... so I"m getting nervous that they aren't going to get the email until Monday morning and I won't know either way until then...
I was hoping to catch you yesterday when I stopped by campus but I couldn't find either of you. I wanted to keep you updated. I had another appointment with my neurologist yesterday with more upsetting news and with more tests and follow ups scheduled. These last few weeks have been physically and emotionally draining, and it's taking a lot of effort to just keep myself from completely falling apart. With all of these things hitting one right after the other, I'm finding it really difficult to be able to concentrate. I'm doing the best I can to be prepared for the exam on Monday but, under the circumstances, I was wondering if I could have a plan B and have the option to take the exam on Wednesday, if absolutely necessary.
-Andi
-Andi
I hope they email me soon. I need some sort of reassurance I'll be okay.
"as it all comes crashing down"
The last two days have been so draining. Not to mention this whole week, this whole month. I'm so exhausted.
Yesterday I found out my ANA titer has doubled again and is now 640. And yet, the stupid rheumatologist was like "oh, that's not a big deal". Like hell it is. But all of the other tests were negative. And my clinical symptoms aren't severe enough to categorize me into any diagnosis. which is fine- it's not like I wanted to have lupus or anything- but honestly i just want an answer. But then she asked how much motrin or other NSAID I was taking per day and i said up to 9 motrin- since that's the max amount i could have when i fractured my bones. She said with my pain i could take up to 12 a day as needed.
Okay, so... my symptoms aren't bad enough for you but I can take more motrin than i could take when i had a broken bone? Um... okay.
So I left completely defeated. I went to TA lab and i sat there doing absolutely nothing. I left to go talk to Jayme and Nathan when they called me back. otherwise, i sat there in a daze, trying not to cry. I did direct a couple of students to which red bucket had bleach water for their slides. Um, that's about it.
So then this morning, I went into my neurology appointment, ready for it to be the last time I was going to see Dr V. I knew he was about to give up on me since last time he said he was out of ideas. But... when I told him about my ANA levels and how they've increased even within the last two weeks his mind went into full gear again. He knows my sleep disorder is definitely something wrong with how my sleep cycles in the night. Something within my brain is disrupting the sleep cycle and keeping me in stage 2 for pretty much the whole night. He asked if I've ever had an MRI of my head- I said no. So he wants me to get one to look for pockets of inflammation within my brain.
He also doesn't think that I'm lucky enough to have all of these rare illnesses all separately ("that's like one person getting struck by lightning 4 times). He agrees that this has to be one thing going on and he thinks that the ANA level is what's going to bring it all together. ANA can be an indication of inflammation- and obviously even though I'm having muscle and joint pain, it's not manifesting itself much in my joints because, while they hurt and are stiff, they aren't inflamed. So... he's wondering if the inflammation is actually within my brain. He said, "this could be causing the sleep problems, pain, and SVT (my heart issue), and possibly even the bipolar disorder".
He said a lot of times when this happens, the patients are obviously sick but never quite enough for a diagnosis. He said it's what they call a "lupus-like syndrome". It's autoimmune but doesn't manifest like what would typically be seen.
I had originally asked him for ideas of where to go next. He said there's a guy in a hospital in detroit that has a lot of experience with sleep disorders i could go to, but that it take a while to get into him. But he said there's a doctor within the neurological clinic Dr V works in that trained under that doctor and would be good to get a second opinion with.
So I see her on the 8th and get the MRI on the 10th. I need to schedule a follow up with Dr V but the lady at the front desk didn't seem that was necessary... even though the MRI is after I'm seeing anyone and I need to know those results... plus, Dr V books up really quickly... so I think I'm going to call the office tomorrow and try to get something in as soon as possible.
I'm scared to hope. But maybe this is it. But again, how many times have I said this?
I sat in my car after the appointment and just cried. But at least today I wasn't crying because I felt defeated... I was crying because I was overwhelmed and that appointment was nothing like I had expected or prepared for.
The stupid rheumatologist on Wednesday was horrible. I refuse to go back to her.
Dr V has another rheumatologist he's going to recommend if in fact there is inflammation in my brain.
I said, "Please no more Beaumont doctors. Beaumont doctors suck". He laughed and promised me the other doctor was through St Johns. I said, "Good. I hate Beaumont. Their doctors are all idiots". He got a good chuckle out of that (he's a St Johns doctor).
so... basically now I"m stressing out because I haven't studied at all or started my papers or my presentations.
I have a killer exam on Monday that I haven't even looked at yet. And I missed two of the lectures because of panic attacks and I was hoping to see the professor today when I stopped by on campus to explain this to her but she wasn't there. I started an email to her but it sounded stupid so i didn't send it. I'm not trying to get out of the exam on monday- i just need to know that if by chance i'm not able to do anything this weekend I have that option.
I'm so overwhelmed.
Which I feel is silly... it's not like I got "bad" news today. I don't have lupus or RA. I should just be happy and relieved.
But now I'm just more on edge wondering what my brain will show.
And again scared for a negative result.
If there is no inflammation in my brain- I'm giving up. I'm throwing in the towel and stopping the search for an answer.
I can't take it anymore.
(Title: "Paper Tigers" by Thrice)
Yesterday I found out my ANA titer has doubled again and is now 640. And yet, the stupid rheumatologist was like "oh, that's not a big deal". Like hell it is. But all of the other tests were negative. And my clinical symptoms aren't severe enough to categorize me into any diagnosis. which is fine- it's not like I wanted to have lupus or anything- but honestly i just want an answer. But then she asked how much motrin or other NSAID I was taking per day and i said up to 9 motrin- since that's the max amount i could have when i fractured my bones. She said with my pain i could take up to 12 a day as needed.
Okay, so... my symptoms aren't bad enough for you but I can take more motrin than i could take when i had a broken bone? Um... okay.
So I left completely defeated. I went to TA lab and i sat there doing absolutely nothing. I left to go talk to Jayme and Nathan when they called me back. otherwise, i sat there in a daze, trying not to cry. I did direct a couple of students to which red bucket had bleach water for their slides. Um, that's about it.
So then this morning, I went into my neurology appointment, ready for it to be the last time I was going to see Dr V. I knew he was about to give up on me since last time he said he was out of ideas. But... when I told him about my ANA levels and how they've increased even within the last two weeks his mind went into full gear again. He knows my sleep disorder is definitely something wrong with how my sleep cycles in the night. Something within my brain is disrupting the sleep cycle and keeping me in stage 2 for pretty much the whole night. He asked if I've ever had an MRI of my head- I said no. So he wants me to get one to look for pockets of inflammation within my brain.
He also doesn't think that I'm lucky enough to have all of these rare illnesses all separately ("that's like one person getting struck by lightning 4 times). He agrees that this has to be one thing going on and he thinks that the ANA level is what's going to bring it all together. ANA can be an indication of inflammation- and obviously even though I'm having muscle and joint pain, it's not manifesting itself much in my joints because, while they hurt and are stiff, they aren't inflamed. So... he's wondering if the inflammation is actually within my brain. He said, "this could be causing the sleep problems, pain, and SVT (my heart issue), and possibly even the bipolar disorder".
He said a lot of times when this happens, the patients are obviously sick but never quite enough for a diagnosis. He said it's what they call a "lupus-like syndrome". It's autoimmune but doesn't manifest like what would typically be seen.
I had originally asked him for ideas of where to go next. He said there's a guy in a hospital in detroit that has a lot of experience with sleep disorders i could go to, but that it take a while to get into him. But he said there's a doctor within the neurological clinic Dr V works in that trained under that doctor and would be good to get a second opinion with.
So I see her on the 8th and get the MRI on the 10th. I need to schedule a follow up with Dr V but the lady at the front desk didn't seem that was necessary... even though the MRI is after I'm seeing anyone and I need to know those results... plus, Dr V books up really quickly... so I think I'm going to call the office tomorrow and try to get something in as soon as possible.
I'm scared to hope. But maybe this is it. But again, how many times have I said this?
I sat in my car after the appointment and just cried. But at least today I wasn't crying because I felt defeated... I was crying because I was overwhelmed and that appointment was nothing like I had expected or prepared for.
The stupid rheumatologist on Wednesday was horrible. I refuse to go back to her.
Dr V has another rheumatologist he's going to recommend if in fact there is inflammation in my brain.
I said, "Please no more Beaumont doctors. Beaumont doctors suck". He laughed and promised me the other doctor was through St Johns. I said, "Good. I hate Beaumont. Their doctors are all idiots". He got a good chuckle out of that (he's a St Johns doctor).
so... basically now I"m stressing out because I haven't studied at all or started my papers or my presentations.
I have a killer exam on Monday that I haven't even looked at yet. And I missed two of the lectures because of panic attacks and I was hoping to see the professor today when I stopped by on campus to explain this to her but she wasn't there. I started an email to her but it sounded stupid so i didn't send it. I'm not trying to get out of the exam on monday- i just need to know that if by chance i'm not able to do anything this weekend I have that option.
I'm so overwhelmed.
Which I feel is silly... it's not like I got "bad" news today. I don't have lupus or RA. I should just be happy and relieved.
But now I'm just more on edge wondering what my brain will show.
And again scared for a negative result.
If there is no inflammation in my brain- I'm giving up. I'm throwing in the towel and stopping the search for an answer.
I can't take it anymore.
(Title: "Paper Tigers" by Thrice)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Nerves
My appt is in 30 minutes.
This might require the other half of xanax. but maybe not until afterwards...
I keep getting the sensation of when my stomach drops and does a flip. and perhaps a cartwheel and a backhand spring and somersaults and a whole gymnatics routine. My insides are very talented like that.
I'm so nervous. I don't want a negative result, I don't want a postive result, and I really don't want to have to meet yet another doctor and explain my 10 year history all over again and go through all of this all over again.
It's way too draining.
Why is my health always beyond my grasp?
Is health too much to ask for?
This might require the other half of xanax. but maybe not until afterwards...
I keep getting the sensation of when my stomach drops and does a flip. and perhaps a cartwheel and a backhand spring and somersaults and a whole gymnatics routine. My insides are very talented like that.
I'm so nervous. I don't want a negative result, I don't want a postive result, and I really don't want to have to meet yet another doctor and explain my 10 year history all over again and go through all of this all over again.
It's way too draining.
Why is my health always beyond my grasp?
Is health too much to ask for?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friends and support
I went with Jayme to her grandma's to sit Shiva today. I'm really glad I went. I met a bunch of her family and heard great stories about her grandma and got to give Jayme a few big hugs and talk with her.
We went for a walk and talked about life, death, and everything in between. I'm so glad we have each other to talk and vent about eating disorders, bipolar disorder, anxiety and self injury with. Because we both have awesome significant others who are fantastic at listening and supporting us through this stuff, but they don't GET IT. They've never lived or struggled through what Jayme and I have. She can say something and I understand exactly. I say something and she understands exactly. It's almost scary how much alike our minds work.
As our walk was ending she mentioned she hopes that we never end up triggering each other. But I honestly don't think we ever will. Neither does she. She said "as long as we're always honest with each other, i'm sure we'll be fine". and I dont feel like i'm in a place where i could be triggered, or get to place where i could trigger her. Plus, we're both far along in our recoveries that we're not actively engaging in ED behavior and aside from last week's brick-wall-meets-andi's-hand incident, SI hasn't been much of an issue, either. I know it isn't for her anymore.
Besides, we never talk about specifics. We talk in general terms- mostly about the anxiety behind things and the hell of being bipolar and medications and stupid doctors, and vent about our idiot classmates.
So yeah- I'm glad we have each other. And I'm glad I was able to go and be there with her today.
My doctor appointment is tomorrow... I almost picked up the results from my GP today on the way to Jayme's house- but since I'd be able to interpret the results, I didn't think it was a good time to see them....
Nathan has an appointment tomorrow morning at the VA hospital to get his heart checked out again since it's been years since it was last checked (he has a progressive heart valve condition). I'm nervous about that, and amazed at how calm he is about the whole thing. He's such a great example for me. He's my rock.
We went for a walk and talked about life, death, and everything in between. I'm so glad we have each other to talk and vent about eating disorders, bipolar disorder, anxiety and self injury with. Because we both have awesome significant others who are fantastic at listening and supporting us through this stuff, but they don't GET IT. They've never lived or struggled through what Jayme and I have. She can say something and I understand exactly. I say something and she understands exactly. It's almost scary how much alike our minds work.
As our walk was ending she mentioned she hopes that we never end up triggering each other. But I honestly don't think we ever will. Neither does she. She said "as long as we're always honest with each other, i'm sure we'll be fine". and I dont feel like i'm in a place where i could be triggered, or get to place where i could trigger her. Plus, we're both far along in our recoveries that we're not actively engaging in ED behavior and aside from last week's brick-wall-meets-andi's-hand incident, SI hasn't been much of an issue, either. I know it isn't for her anymore.
Besides, we never talk about specifics. We talk in general terms- mostly about the anxiety behind things and the hell of being bipolar and medications and stupid doctors, and vent about our idiot classmates.
So yeah- I'm glad we have each other. And I'm glad I was able to go and be there with her today.
My doctor appointment is tomorrow... I almost picked up the results from my GP today on the way to Jayme's house- but since I'd be able to interpret the results, I didn't think it was a good time to see them....
Nathan has an appointment tomorrow morning at the VA hospital to get his heart checked out again since it's been years since it was last checked (he has a progressive heart valve condition). I'm nervous about that, and amazed at how calm he is about the whole thing. He's such a great example for me. He's my rock.
"Fading, all these lights just turn to grey"
I have to be honest- mentally I am not doing okay.
I was laying in bed last night and I was trying to figure out how I was feeling, and all I kept imagining was a really strong wind. You know the wind that is going so hard that it's difficult to even stand up straight, letalone walk forward? I feel like I am up against that wind. And if at any moment I relax, the wind will knock me over and carry me away.
And then I couldn't figure out which situation I was feeling. Both, it seems. I feel like I'm standing still with the world rushing past me. And all my efforts to move forward or get anywhere are in vain.
Othertimes I feel like I'm just going with the flow, mindlessly getting through my days.
My days are so unproductive. I'm barely studying. I'm barely making it into work. I'm barely getting anything done around the house. I haven't wanted to be around people. I've been unable to exercise more days than not (yesterday and today were two more rest days, and tomorrow will be one, too, because of classes and my doctor appointment...).
I'm not sleeping well. I'm completely exhausted. Whatever illness I have is flairing up and I can tell my body is crashing. I just don't feel well.
My eating is unbalanced. I've stopped tracking it because I can't put forth the effort. I've been eating weird combinations, and weird things to make up a "meal". I'm probably eating over my range, but I don't have it in me to check. I just dont' even care. I do care, though. That's the problem. I do care, so it's driving me crazy that I don't have the energy to do anything about it. But I can tell I stopped losing weight- not surprisingly- but I'm not okay with that. I don't to be stuck where I'm at. And I know my body can't handle not eating. Or even eating less. My body is already so... weak... from battling my illnesses that it doesn't have the strength to handle being punished by me. So that can't even be an option. Which I guess is a good thing, but it still sucks.
I feel stuck. and unbalanced.
I don't know what is fueling this. I had been doing so well. Is this the aftermath of my week full of multiple panic attacks? Did it mess with the bipolar? Did the xanax change something? I haven't been taking it much- it's been a few days. but I don't know.
Is it my doctor appt tomorrow and my fear of getting the results back?
Is it my lack of interest in this semester and subsequent excitement to graduate in 5 weeks and be done with my stupid university?
Is it the stress of the wedding? Even though I'm not necessarily stressed about the wedding itself... more just the fact I have to be an adult and do adult things. That scares me. I know it does.
So I don't know. I'm just numb.
And I can't lean on Jayme right now, and Nathan is busy with his course load and work schedule.
Maybe I should have more than two friends? Eh, I have other friends, just no one else I'm close with.
Nathan is going to the VA hospital tomorrow to get his heart checked out. He has a heart condition- that's why he got out of the Navy. And he hasn't been checked out since he left. So tomorrow we both get important news. Eventually he may require heart surgery which scares me so much... I can't even think about it.
I feel like I'm all over the place. But at the same time, I'm not moving anywhere. I'm standing in the wind, struggling just to keep upright, and the world is rushing past me, without me.
And I feel completely powerless.
(Title: Lyrics to"Changing" by Saosin)
I was laying in bed last night and I was trying to figure out how I was feeling, and all I kept imagining was a really strong wind. You know the wind that is going so hard that it's difficult to even stand up straight, letalone walk forward? I feel like I am up against that wind. And if at any moment I relax, the wind will knock me over and carry me away.
And then I couldn't figure out which situation I was feeling. Both, it seems. I feel like I'm standing still with the world rushing past me. And all my efforts to move forward or get anywhere are in vain.
Othertimes I feel like I'm just going with the flow, mindlessly getting through my days.
My days are so unproductive. I'm barely studying. I'm barely making it into work. I'm barely getting anything done around the house. I haven't wanted to be around people. I've been unable to exercise more days than not (yesterday and today were two more rest days, and tomorrow will be one, too, because of classes and my doctor appointment...).
I'm not sleeping well. I'm completely exhausted. Whatever illness I have is flairing up and I can tell my body is crashing. I just don't feel well.
My eating is unbalanced. I've stopped tracking it because I can't put forth the effort. I've been eating weird combinations, and weird things to make up a "meal". I'm probably eating over my range, but I don't have it in me to check. I just dont' even care. I do care, though. That's the problem. I do care, so it's driving me crazy that I don't have the energy to do anything about it. But I can tell I stopped losing weight- not surprisingly- but I'm not okay with that. I don't to be stuck where I'm at. And I know my body can't handle not eating. Or even eating less. My body is already so... weak... from battling my illnesses that it doesn't have the strength to handle being punished by me. So that can't even be an option. Which I guess is a good thing, but it still sucks.
I feel stuck. and unbalanced.
I don't know what is fueling this. I had been doing so well. Is this the aftermath of my week full of multiple panic attacks? Did it mess with the bipolar? Did the xanax change something? I haven't been taking it much- it's been a few days. but I don't know.
Is it my doctor appt tomorrow and my fear of getting the results back?
Is it my lack of interest in this semester and subsequent excitement to graduate in 5 weeks and be done with my stupid university?
Is it the stress of the wedding? Even though I'm not necessarily stressed about the wedding itself... more just the fact I have to be an adult and do adult things. That scares me. I know it does.
So I don't know. I'm just numb.
And I can't lean on Jayme right now, and Nathan is busy with his course load and work schedule.
Maybe I should have more than two friends? Eh, I have other friends, just no one else I'm close with.
Nathan is going to the VA hospital tomorrow to get his heart checked out. He has a heart condition- that's why he got out of the Navy. And he hasn't been checked out since he left. So tomorrow we both get important news. Eventually he may require heart surgery which scares me so much... I can't even think about it.
I feel like I'm all over the place. But at the same time, I'm not moving anywhere. I'm standing in the wind, struggling just to keep upright, and the world is rushing past me, without me.
And I feel completely powerless.
(Title: Lyrics to"Changing" by Saosin)
Monday, March 22, 2010
"Thank you for ending her pain"
Talked to Jayme finally today. She says everything seems really surreal and that she's sort of checked out like she normally does in this type of situation. She wanted to keep talking but she had to go sit Shiva, and then I asked her what that was like and she explained it and then said I was welcomed to come. I want to go tonight, especially since I'm already half way there (from my house) but I have class tonight. I could easily not TA (since that's been the trend lately...), but I skipped ethics last week because of the panic attacks so I really can't again this week. I told her I'd be there tomorrow. She seemed happy to hear that. I was just happy to know I was welcomed. I told her how my dad said that typically Jewish tradition only allows family to be involved in the funeral and Shiva and stuff and she said no, that anyone is welcomed. So I'm glad I can be there for her in that way, too. Not just in going to class to take good notes for her and getting extra power point handouts.
I miss her. I typically only get to see her Mondays and Wednesdays for class, anyway, which i never think is enough, but now that all of this is going on it really isn't enough. I need to be there to give her a hug.
If only we didn't live an hour away from each other.
(Title: "supernatural" by Flyleaf)
I miss her. I typically only get to see her Mondays and Wednesdays for class, anyway, which i never think is enough, but now that all of this is going on it really isn't enough. I need to be there to give her a hug.
If only we didn't live an hour away from each other.
(Title: "supernatural" by Flyleaf)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
dilemma
I don't know what to do right now.
I'm utterly exhausted. But I wanted to workout before I went to work since I have the house to myself for the afternoon. But I'm really tired and my calves are really achey from running two days ago without my new orthotics, and logically, I know I shouldn't workout today. But then... what if I can't workout tomorrow? Or Wednesday? Then I'm skipping even more days. And I can't skip more days.
Why can't I?
I don't know. Because then it wouldn't be enough. Because then I would feel obligated to overdo it on the other days to "make up" for today. So I want to workout today "just in case" i can't workout Monday and/or Wednesday. Because I'm going to regret taking today off later. Because I hate my body. Because I'm not used to treating it well and resting when it needs it. Because my anxiety is really high and I need some sort of release, and what other release, besides cutting, is there?
I'm sitting here in my workout clothes debating what to do.
This is pathetic.
But right now, I feel too tired to even go to work. Letalone workout before going to work.
I don't want to be alone today.
But Nathan can't come over later like he usually does on Sundays.
and my parents are babysitting my nieces. I could go over there, but I don't feel up to that, either.
I feel like I'm nothing.
I feel nonexistant.
I feel incapable of doing anything.
But really, I don't feel much at all.
I'm utterly exhausted. But I wanted to workout before I went to work since I have the house to myself for the afternoon. But I'm really tired and my calves are really achey from running two days ago without my new orthotics, and logically, I know I shouldn't workout today. But then... what if I can't workout tomorrow? Or Wednesday? Then I'm skipping even more days. And I can't skip more days.
Why can't I?
I don't know. Because then it wouldn't be enough. Because then I would feel obligated to overdo it on the other days to "make up" for today. So I want to workout today "just in case" i can't workout Monday and/or Wednesday. Because I'm going to regret taking today off later. Because I hate my body. Because I'm not used to treating it well and resting when it needs it. Because my anxiety is really high and I need some sort of release, and what other release, besides cutting, is there?
I'm sitting here in my workout clothes debating what to do.
This is pathetic.
But right now, I feel too tired to even go to work. Letalone workout before going to work.
I don't want to be alone today.
But Nathan can't come over later like he usually does on Sundays.
and my parents are babysitting my nieces. I could go over there, but I don't feel up to that, either.
I feel like I'm nothing.
I feel nonexistant.
I feel incapable of doing anything.
But really, I don't feel much at all.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
gone
jayme called me tonight. i missed the call.
she left a voicemail. her grandma died this afternoon.
i've never heard jayme cry before.
i called her back but she didn't pick up.
i want to be there with her.
i've never heard her cry.
she left a voicemail. her grandma died this afternoon.
i've never heard jayme cry before.
i called her back but she didn't pick up.
i want to be there with her.
i've never heard her cry.
"Shout for shout's sake"
I don't know how it's Saturday night already.
I haven't been very productive lately. I have no ambition. Actually, I do. I just don't feel I have it in me to follow through with anything.
Yesterday was in the mid-60s and sunny. I wore shorts and a tanktop and went for a run. A short run, but still. I ran outside! Today was 30 degrees with snow flurries... so that sucked. But at least yesterday was nice.
Jayme's grandma has leukemia (CMML) and has been getting sicker and sicker. On Thursday night Jayme called me to tell me that she entered into hospice care. Her grandma had wanted to do hospice at home but the doctor said she had so little time left it wouldn't have been worth it. She called me this morning to tell me she was on her way to the hospital again because they got the call saying it was only a matter of hours. I've been praying for her, for her grandma, for her whole family. I know that's the best thing I could do for them, but it never seems like enough. Jayme said not to expect a call from her tonight, but maybe by tomorrow.
My heart is breaking over a woman I've never met... my best friend's grandma.
At least now it will be over and Jayme and her family can grieve and move on. They've been in limbo for so long that it has really taken a toll on everyone.
Mom wants to play Myst tonight (exploring mystery puzzle computer game). She's been bugging me about it for awhile. We started it awhile ago and I haven't been home or had the time to sit down and get further into it.
I don't want to play it tonight. I just want to stay in my room and be alone. The thought of leaving my room sent me in a tizzy and I took half a xanax just to be safe.
This can't be normal.
I hurt all over today. legs, back, feet, head, muscles, bones, nerves.
and my mind.
i just want to hide away and make today go away.
but i won't be living here much longer, so i feel guilty not playing the game with mom.
i just don't feel up to it and don't know how to tell her that with her getting all worked up that something is wrong with me right now.
I feel like crying. and cutting. but mostly just crying.
i dont know why. i just do.
(Title: lyrics to "Lost symphonies" by Saosin)
I haven't been very productive lately. I have no ambition. Actually, I do. I just don't feel I have it in me to follow through with anything.
Yesterday was in the mid-60s and sunny. I wore shorts and a tanktop and went for a run. A short run, but still. I ran outside! Today was 30 degrees with snow flurries... so that sucked. But at least yesterday was nice.
Jayme's grandma has leukemia (CMML) and has been getting sicker and sicker. On Thursday night Jayme called me to tell me that she entered into hospice care. Her grandma had wanted to do hospice at home but the doctor said she had so little time left it wouldn't have been worth it. She called me this morning to tell me she was on her way to the hospital again because they got the call saying it was only a matter of hours. I've been praying for her, for her grandma, for her whole family. I know that's the best thing I could do for them, but it never seems like enough. Jayme said not to expect a call from her tonight, but maybe by tomorrow.
My heart is breaking over a woman I've never met... my best friend's grandma.
At least now it will be over and Jayme and her family can grieve and move on. They've been in limbo for so long that it has really taken a toll on everyone.
Mom wants to play Myst tonight (exploring mystery puzzle computer game). She's been bugging me about it for awhile. We started it awhile ago and I haven't been home or had the time to sit down and get further into it.
I don't want to play it tonight. I just want to stay in my room and be alone. The thought of leaving my room sent me in a tizzy and I took half a xanax just to be safe.
This can't be normal.
I hurt all over today. legs, back, feet, head, muscles, bones, nerves.
and my mind.
i just want to hide away and make today go away.
but i won't be living here much longer, so i feel guilty not playing the game with mom.
i just don't feel up to it and don't know how to tell her that with her getting all worked up that something is wrong with me right now.
I feel like crying. and cutting. but mostly just crying.
i dont know why. i just do.
(Title: lyrics to "Lost symphonies" by Saosin)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
"Only surrender will help you now."
Two days of no panic attacks....
I took half a xanax yesterday before mom and I went to nathan's sister's house (dress fitting and hair trials for the wedding). Half of one worked well. I wasn't really tired but I didn't get panicky. So why did I take a full one today during lab? I got SO tired. I zoned out in pathology, then crashed on the couch in the computer lab afterwards. I called Nathan to say hi and he said I was slurring my speech. well then i thought that was hilarious and got all giggly and kept laughing. i hung up with him and then my friends rachael and tony were in the lab, too, and they kept on me about being a druggy, and i was able to completely turn that around on tony (long story), and the 3 of us kept cracking each other up, but i seriously was so giggly! I had to go to lab so i got away from rachael and tony for an hour until they came in at 4 because they're in the second lab. That was interesting.
I talked with Dr R during lab and she had a lot of good points about tests my doctor SHOULD have ordered and didn't. It made a lot of sense. I and I've been going through my old medical records like crazy lately looking for clues- now that i understand what i'm actually reading. I'm losing so much faith in doctors and the way medical schools are teaching. It's awful.
anyway, i found out a lot by going through these old records that i feel like the doctors really downplayed and shouldn't.
I told dr R how my ANA titer used to be 640 when I was 14, and only just now realized because i read it in a report between two doctors. It was briefly mentioned and it was it. It was something along the lines of "her symptoms don't match and she's too young". So I mentioned this to Dr R, how my ANA was 640 but how they said was too young to be sick and she got really upset. She said "ANYONE with an ANA titer of 640 has SOMETHING going on. It doesn't matter what the age- they should have followed up on that."
I had brought this up because I was curious why it would go from 640 to 160 to 320 in the course of 9 years. She wasn't sure but we got disrupted by students asking questions--- which is fine since that's the point of helping in a lab--- not to sit around and talk about my own medical history with my professor. I think tomorrow I"m going to talk to her about it again and ask her what I should ask the rheumatologist next week so i know what's going on. She explained a lot about my thyroid to me, too, today. how my doctor was an idiot for not ordering a total T4 level and only the free T4 (i'm not going to get into the physiology of this, don't worry).
So yeah, I came home tonight and mom asked how my day was and i started explaining all of this stuff to her. I asked "did you realize my ANA titer used to be 640???" and explained to her all of this stuff i found and researched and talked to Dr R about. My mom turned it around and was like, "i'm sorry I didn't push more about that or know more or do more, or yaddy yaddy yaddy". I wanted to tell her to SHUT UP!
I told her I wasn't blaming her for anything and that it wasn't her fault the doctors never came out and told us anything. Then i bitched about doctors being complete idiots because med school should be way longer than 4 years because there is way too much to learn and you can't do that in 4 years. but she still was all mopey and feeling sorry for herself because she didn't do more or catch any of that was going on 9 years ago.
But seriously- the doctors sucked, she was stressed because her youngest daughter was sick and no one would believe us, and the doctors didn't come out and give us this report-- i had to read a letter from a doctor to another doctor to catch the first ANA level. so it's not like my mom wouldn't have actually known because i don't remember them mentioning it, either.
oh, she also asked if i took xanax today and i said yes and she seemed upset by that. but why???? it avoided a panic attack, so why is she all upset. UGH!!!!
anyway. it's annoying.
i have more to talk about but it has to wait for tomorrow because the 2nd xanax is definitely kicking in...
(title: lyrics to "again" by flyleaf)
I took half a xanax yesterday before mom and I went to nathan's sister's house (dress fitting and hair trials for the wedding). Half of one worked well. I wasn't really tired but I didn't get panicky. So why did I take a full one today during lab? I got SO tired. I zoned out in pathology, then crashed on the couch in the computer lab afterwards. I called Nathan to say hi and he said I was slurring my speech. well then i thought that was hilarious and got all giggly and kept laughing. i hung up with him and then my friends rachael and tony were in the lab, too, and they kept on me about being a druggy, and i was able to completely turn that around on tony (long story), and the 3 of us kept cracking each other up, but i seriously was so giggly! I had to go to lab so i got away from rachael and tony for an hour until they came in at 4 because they're in the second lab. That was interesting.
I talked with Dr R during lab and she had a lot of good points about tests my doctor SHOULD have ordered and didn't. It made a lot of sense. I and I've been going through my old medical records like crazy lately looking for clues- now that i understand what i'm actually reading. I'm losing so much faith in doctors and the way medical schools are teaching. It's awful.
anyway, i found out a lot by going through these old records that i feel like the doctors really downplayed and shouldn't.
I told dr R how my ANA titer used to be 640 when I was 14, and only just now realized because i read it in a report between two doctors. It was briefly mentioned and it was it. It was something along the lines of "her symptoms don't match and she's too young". So I mentioned this to Dr R, how my ANA was 640 but how they said was too young to be sick and she got really upset. She said "ANYONE with an ANA titer of 640 has SOMETHING going on. It doesn't matter what the age- they should have followed up on that."
I had brought this up because I was curious why it would go from 640 to 160 to 320 in the course of 9 years. She wasn't sure but we got disrupted by students asking questions--- which is fine since that's the point of helping in a lab--- not to sit around and talk about my own medical history with my professor. I think tomorrow I"m going to talk to her about it again and ask her what I should ask the rheumatologist next week so i know what's going on. She explained a lot about my thyroid to me, too, today. how my doctor was an idiot for not ordering a total T4 level and only the free T4 (i'm not going to get into the physiology of this, don't worry).
So yeah, I came home tonight and mom asked how my day was and i started explaining all of this stuff to her. I asked "did you realize my ANA titer used to be 640???" and explained to her all of this stuff i found and researched and talked to Dr R about. My mom turned it around and was like, "i'm sorry I didn't push more about that or know more or do more, or yaddy yaddy yaddy". I wanted to tell her to SHUT UP!
I told her I wasn't blaming her for anything and that it wasn't her fault the doctors never came out and told us anything. Then i bitched about doctors being complete idiots because med school should be way longer than 4 years because there is way too much to learn and you can't do that in 4 years. but she still was all mopey and feeling sorry for herself because she didn't do more or catch any of that was going on 9 years ago.
But seriously- the doctors sucked, she was stressed because her youngest daughter was sick and no one would believe us, and the doctors didn't come out and give us this report-- i had to read a letter from a doctor to another doctor to catch the first ANA level. so it's not like my mom wouldn't have actually known because i don't remember them mentioning it, either.
oh, she also asked if i took xanax today and i said yes and she seemed upset by that. but why???? it avoided a panic attack, so why is she all upset. UGH!!!!
anyway. it's annoying.
i have more to talk about but it has to wait for tomorrow because the 2nd xanax is definitely kicking in...
(title: lyrics to "again" by flyleaf)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
"It's been this way for as long as I remember "
After Nathan's class last night we went back to his house. I half-way studied molecular pathology while he studied. Actually, I laid on the couch and went back and forth between sleeping and awake. But my binder was open to yesteday's lecture. So that counts, right?
We cuddled for a little while before I left. I felt safe.
When I got home I decided to take a xanax. Not because I necessarily felt panicky- I just wanted to know how it made me feel for future reference. My dr had recommended that for the ativan, too. But ativan doesn't do much for me.
Jayme was right- it does work subtly. But it does work. There is no 'BAM- I feel drugged up all of a sudden' feeling with it. Just gradually i felt really really relaxed. I was talking to Nathan online and I told him that I felt physically unable to even have a panic attack. I felt unable to be tense. It was the first time in 6 days I had felt that way. It made me REALLY tired. But I think it did only because I was already pretty tired. Funny how panic does that to you. So I don't know if it will always make me that tired, I think it just let me relax enough to actually sleep. Which was absolutely wonderful. I've been very much sleep deprived lately.
I feel better just knowing that I have something to help me avoid future attacks.
I went to work today and my boss measured my feet for orthotics. Him and phil were talking about how it's supposed to get into the 60s tomorrow and Thursday and I said, "oh! perfect running weather!" Don (boss) just looked at me sternly and said "Andi... ". I laughed. Everyone at work knows I jump into the running way faster than I should. I've gotten lectured countless times on starting out slowly with intervals and increasing the time/distance very slowly. I always nod and say, "yes, i know", and then ignore their advice. Well- I do intervals when I run, they're just longer intervals than they suggest and more of them...
So again, as I was putting my shoes back on, Don said "Okay, now when you get the orthotics next week, I don't want you to jump right into the running." I grinned. he continued, "remember to start off slowly and adjust to running with orthotics and do the interval running." I said, "i know, i know". in the back of my mind i was thinking "yeah, right". I'll be good for about week and then I'm sure i'll run a lot more than I "should". but really- I've had 5 physical therapists and my sports doctor all lecture me multiple times on the best way to ease into running again. Do I not think that they have the experience and knowledge to know what they're talking about? I just don't want to believe them. What they tell me makes sense. But when I start running and am feelign really good, I hate stopping to walk. Walking is boring. Walking is not running. Walking breaks the rhythm. Walking gets me out of the 'zone'... or prevents me from even getting into the zone.
I'll try to be good. But I'm not making any promises yet.
Running lets me run away from all of my problems. I leave them behind me and I run away.
(Title: lyrics to "uphill battle" by Saosin)
We cuddled for a little while before I left. I felt safe.
When I got home I decided to take a xanax. Not because I necessarily felt panicky- I just wanted to know how it made me feel for future reference. My dr had recommended that for the ativan, too. But ativan doesn't do much for me.
Jayme was right- it does work subtly. But it does work. There is no 'BAM- I feel drugged up all of a sudden' feeling with it. Just gradually i felt really really relaxed. I was talking to Nathan online and I told him that I felt physically unable to even have a panic attack. I felt unable to be tense. It was the first time in 6 days I had felt that way. It made me REALLY tired. But I think it did only because I was already pretty tired. Funny how panic does that to you. So I don't know if it will always make me that tired, I think it just let me relax enough to actually sleep. Which was absolutely wonderful. I've been very much sleep deprived lately.
I feel better just knowing that I have something to help me avoid future attacks.
I went to work today and my boss measured my feet for orthotics. Him and phil were talking about how it's supposed to get into the 60s tomorrow and Thursday and I said, "oh! perfect running weather!" Don (boss) just looked at me sternly and said "Andi... ". I laughed. Everyone at work knows I jump into the running way faster than I should. I've gotten lectured countless times on starting out slowly with intervals and increasing the time/distance very slowly. I always nod and say, "yes, i know", and then ignore their advice. Well- I do intervals when I run, they're just longer intervals than they suggest and more of them...
So again, as I was putting my shoes back on, Don said "Okay, now when you get the orthotics next week, I don't want you to jump right into the running." I grinned. he continued, "remember to start off slowly and adjust to running with orthotics and do the interval running." I said, "i know, i know". in the back of my mind i was thinking "yeah, right". I'll be good for about week and then I'm sure i'll run a lot more than I "should". but really- I've had 5 physical therapists and my sports doctor all lecture me multiple times on the best way to ease into running again. Do I not think that they have the experience and knowledge to know what they're talking about? I just don't want to believe them. What they tell me makes sense. But when I start running and am feelign really good, I hate stopping to walk. Walking is boring. Walking is not running. Walking breaks the rhythm. Walking gets me out of the 'zone'... or prevents me from even getting into the zone.
I'll try to be good. But I'm not making any promises yet.
Running lets me run away from all of my problems. I leave them behind me and I run away.
(Title: lyrics to "uphill battle" by Saosin)
Monday, March 15, 2010
"Still pulses race and scream"
so this morning i was sitting in molecular diagnostics, trying to pay attention to this horrible teacher. when all of a sudden, i couldn't breathe again, started shaking, the whole deal. i thought 'shit, not again'. then i felt trapped in the room, so that wasn't helping. then i decided i didn't care if i got up and i put my head down and walked as quickly out of the room as possible. i ran down the hallway and hid in the stairwell again. i sat there paralyzed for what i found out later to be 45 minutes. i luckily forced myself to get up just in time to get to the next class right before it started- jayme had grabbed my stuff for me. so i took it and told her i had to go. I knew she knew what had happened, plus she (and a few others) saw blood all over my hands from my knuckles. I was shaking so badly i could barely hold onto the handouts they were trying to give me as i also picked up my backpack, coat and water bottle. i kept dropping everything. i managed to bolt out of that room, called Nathan and he said i could come over. so I found dr R to tell her that yet again, i probably wouldn't TA lab today. I was shaking like crazy when i was talking to her. i couldn't even stand still. i felt like i was crawling out of my skin. she asked "what's going on? did they change your medication?" i said no. she said i should try eating some chocolate. that broke the tension. she said it was fine i wasn't there. she said to go home and rest. and that she hopes this doesn't continue much longer.
i drove to nathan's and went down to his room and laid in his bed for 3 hours pretty much motionless as he studied in the den. he'd come in periodically to see how i was. i just laid there. i had to pee, but i didn't care. my stomach was growling, but i didn't care. i just laid there. i couldn't do anything. i felt unable to move.
after 3 hours i went upstairs and ate some of my lunch as nathan had his. i called my psychiatrist and she called in xanax for me... I guess that's good... ? i half-studied for awhile as nathan continued to study. i've decided to skip ethics tonight since it's 3.5 hours and goes until 10pm... i don't feel up to that. so i came to campus with him since he has stats from 530- 715. it at least gets me out of his house and in public again. even though i don't necessarily want to be. i might go to my ethics class just to talk to the teacher, halfway explain why i can't stay and hopefully get my exam back. or i might just email her and wait a week. i still haven't decided- i have an hour before i'd have to walk there.
i don't know what i'm going to do until then. i guess study. but i'm too numb. i'm too tired.
i still haven't even taken the diagnostics midterm. i feel bad that i still haven't taken it. i had the intentions of taking it today. i honestly did. and then this damn panic keeps hitting me. at least once a day since Tuesday. 6 days of this damn panic attacks. i can't take it. i'm going crazy.
on the way back to his house, we're going to stop at the CVS he works at and pick up the xanax, hopefully this will help.
(Title: lyrics to "The End" by Greenwheel)
i drove to nathan's and went down to his room and laid in his bed for 3 hours pretty much motionless as he studied in the den. he'd come in periodically to see how i was. i just laid there. i had to pee, but i didn't care. my stomach was growling, but i didn't care. i just laid there. i couldn't do anything. i felt unable to move.
after 3 hours i went upstairs and ate some of my lunch as nathan had his. i called my psychiatrist and she called in xanax for me... I guess that's good... ? i half-studied for awhile as nathan continued to study. i've decided to skip ethics tonight since it's 3.5 hours and goes until 10pm... i don't feel up to that. so i came to campus with him since he has stats from 530- 715. it at least gets me out of his house and in public again. even though i don't necessarily want to be. i might go to my ethics class just to talk to the teacher, halfway explain why i can't stay and hopefully get my exam back. or i might just email her and wait a week. i still haven't decided- i have an hour before i'd have to walk there.
i don't know what i'm going to do until then. i guess study. but i'm too numb. i'm too tired.
i still haven't even taken the diagnostics midterm. i feel bad that i still haven't taken it. i had the intentions of taking it today. i honestly did. and then this damn panic keeps hitting me. at least once a day since Tuesday. 6 days of this damn panic attacks. i can't take it. i'm going crazy.
on the way back to his house, we're going to stop at the CVS he works at and pick up the xanax, hopefully this will help.
(Title: lyrics to "The End" by Greenwheel)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
" Now you've found love, it's shining through"
I've had an epiphany about how it truly does not matter what size I am and how much I weight.
Last night I mentioned to Nathan how I decided to give my "anorexic pants" to my older sister, who is somehow naturally very thin. At first I never wanted to give her my old pants because I didn't want to see her wearing them and get upset that they didn't fit me anymore. But then I was cleaning my closet a couple of weeks ago, throwing stuff out and making a donation pile. I wanted to go through everything and ask myself "do I want to take then when I move out?" and if I wouldn't take it with me, I threw it out or put it in the donate pile.
I tried on a lot of my old clothes. Some of my old shirts are short! I don't understand how they shrunk length wise. Did I grow a couple of inches? All of the short shirts went into the donate pile. The other shirts I had to decide- Do they currently fit, do they have the potential to fit again, will they most likely never fit again, or do I even like the style anymore? I actually felt okay by all of this. Some old shirts fit again (they probably would have "fit" before but I don't like tight shirts so I had put them away in favor of sweatshirts). I felt calm knowing that I've finally lost weight in a healthy way, and so these other shirts DO have the potential to fit. I made a deal with myself. When I get to my "goal weight" (actually, goal size- since I weigh more than I used to before my really bad relapse due to muscle-- so my goal is actually my pre-really-bad-relapse size, and Lisa is okay with this) if they don't fit then, I will donate them and not even flirt with idea of making them be able to fit again..
It was that day I decided to offer my old pants to my sister. I emailed her and explained how I felt ready and okay about this and that she was welcome to try them on and have them. She said she'd do that, and asked me if I was really sure about this. I told her I was.
So last night I told Nathan I decided to give her the pants. He knew before how I really didn't want to see her in them. So he was surprised I offered them to her. But I told him I was at peace about it. That my body was finally responding to my efforts and starting to get smaller, so I finally have hope and feel better about the potential to get smaller. I told him I know I'll most likely never get back to that size- in a healthy way- and how I know I can't go back to that size in an unhealthy way. He asked how much my body had responded and I said "well, I've already lost 15 pounds". He looked shocked and asked "since when?" I said "my birthday (early september), but 10 since January. He asked, "does it make a bad fiance since I never even noticed? you've always looked perfect to me". I told him it was fine he didn't. I mentioned how the pants I was wearing used to not fit, along with the jeans I was wearing the day before. he said, "I have noticed a gradual shift of new (old) clothes, I just didn't put it together".
You know- I'm glad he didn't notice. Because it's further proof that my size does not matter. Especially to him. And he's all I care about. I am loved no matter what size I am.
I still have my goal in mind. And I know I'm almost there.
He asked me once, "when you get to your "goal", are you sure it will be enough? are you going to want to keep going and not stop there?"
And I told him no. That I feel okay to stop there. That I don't need to look like a pre-teen with zero curves, or be extra bony (which he was happy to hear because he likes my curves-- which used to freak me out, but now I'm okay with it). I told him that I like feeling strong, and having muscle. I can't be that way if I let myself get sick again.
I love Nathan. He makes me feel so comfortable. Even at the beginning when we just started hanging out. I'd go to his house, or he'd come to mine, and all of a sudden, when we walked through the door, all of my insecurities went away. I forgot that i was having a "fat day". It all left my mind and I felt so comfortable and happy to just be around him.
He reassures me there's no need to lose weight, but he understands if I still think there is. Just as long as I don't keep going once I get to the size that Lisa and I both agreed on, he's okay with whatever I decide to do. But that he thinks I'm weird for thinking I need to change. Maybe it's not so much a "need" as a "want".
I feel like if I can get back to my pre-relapse weight/size, then it'll be like I've come around full circle. I lost the weight, I gained it and then some, and then if I can finally just go back to where I was, I can stop being reminded of it, and I can move on.
(title: lyrics to "come close" by Saosin)
Last night I mentioned to Nathan how I decided to give my "anorexic pants" to my older sister, who is somehow naturally very thin. At first I never wanted to give her my old pants because I didn't want to see her wearing them and get upset that they didn't fit me anymore. But then I was cleaning my closet a couple of weeks ago, throwing stuff out and making a donation pile. I wanted to go through everything and ask myself "do I want to take then when I move out?" and if I wouldn't take it with me, I threw it out or put it in the donate pile.
I tried on a lot of my old clothes. Some of my old shirts are short! I don't understand how they shrunk length wise. Did I grow a couple of inches? All of the short shirts went into the donate pile. The other shirts I had to decide- Do they currently fit, do they have the potential to fit again, will they most likely never fit again, or do I even like the style anymore? I actually felt okay by all of this. Some old shirts fit again (they probably would have "fit" before but I don't like tight shirts so I had put them away in favor of sweatshirts). I felt calm knowing that I've finally lost weight in a healthy way, and so these other shirts DO have the potential to fit. I made a deal with myself. When I get to my "goal weight" (actually, goal size- since I weigh more than I used to before my really bad relapse due to muscle-- so my goal is actually my pre-really-bad-relapse size, and Lisa is okay with this) if they don't fit then, I will donate them and not even flirt with idea of making them be able to fit again..
It was that day I decided to offer my old pants to my sister. I emailed her and explained how I felt ready and okay about this and that she was welcome to try them on and have them. She said she'd do that, and asked me if I was really sure about this. I told her I was.
So last night I told Nathan I decided to give her the pants. He knew before how I really didn't want to see her in them. So he was surprised I offered them to her. But I told him I was at peace about it. That my body was finally responding to my efforts and starting to get smaller, so I finally have hope and feel better about the potential to get smaller. I told him I know I'll most likely never get back to that size- in a healthy way- and how I know I can't go back to that size in an unhealthy way. He asked how much my body had responded and I said "well, I've already lost 15 pounds". He looked shocked and asked "since when?" I said "my birthday (early september), but 10 since January. He asked, "does it make a bad fiance since I never even noticed? you've always looked perfect to me". I told him it was fine he didn't. I mentioned how the pants I was wearing used to not fit, along with the jeans I was wearing the day before. he said, "I have noticed a gradual shift of new (old) clothes, I just didn't put it together".
You know- I'm glad he didn't notice. Because it's further proof that my size does not matter. Especially to him. And he's all I care about. I am loved no matter what size I am.
I still have my goal in mind. And I know I'm almost there.
He asked me once, "when you get to your "goal", are you sure it will be enough? are you going to want to keep going and not stop there?"
And I told him no. That I feel okay to stop there. That I don't need to look like a pre-teen with zero curves, or be extra bony (which he was happy to hear because he likes my curves-- which used to freak me out, but now I'm okay with it). I told him that I like feeling strong, and having muscle. I can't be that way if I let myself get sick again.
I love Nathan. He makes me feel so comfortable. Even at the beginning when we just started hanging out. I'd go to his house, or he'd come to mine, and all of a sudden, when we walked through the door, all of my insecurities went away. I forgot that i was having a "fat day". It all left my mind and I felt so comfortable and happy to just be around him.
He reassures me there's no need to lose weight, but he understands if I still think there is. Just as long as I don't keep going once I get to the size that Lisa and I both agreed on, he's okay with whatever I decide to do. But that he thinks I'm weird for thinking I need to change. Maybe it's not so much a "need" as a "want".
I feel like if I can get back to my pre-relapse weight/size, then it'll be like I've come around full circle. I lost the weight, I gained it and then some, and then if I can finally just go back to where I was, I can stop being reminded of it, and I can move on.
(title: lyrics to "come close" by Saosin)
"Believe the sound when the truth will send you falling"
I'm not really sure how I"m doing. I feel more traumatized than I should be. But how much of how I'm handling things can I control? Nathan and I ran errands today. We took my car but I made him drive. We had to take the same road that I was forced off of and I can't handle driving on it right now. I was shaking the whole time we were on it. We were doing wedding stuff today and going out to dinner and Nathan kept commenting that I wasn't even trying to pretend to be happy. I don't think he realized how much it was bothering me, which I didn't blame him for- I didn't let him know. When we had finished one of our errands and were on our way to grab some dinner before we finished the other one I curled up in a ball in the seat. Nathan asked what was wrong and I said I wasn't feel right. That I couldn't explain it but I was just upset and really anxious. I was shaking really badly when we sat down for dinner. I wasn't hungry but I made myself eat. He mentioned how he agrees with my mom that I need to ask my psychiatrist for something for the anxiety. I told him I didn't want to be that patient that goes in and says "i'm anxious, give me drugs". But he reassured me that's not how it would be. That all I needed to ask for is a few of them for when it gets bad, not a 30 day supply. He said "Andi, you've been having multiple panic attacks and you've been really anxious all week. You're not doing well, and asking for help is not a drug seeking behavior".
I finally agreed with him. Especially because I can't keep turning to self-injury to calm me down. He looked at my knuckles and frowned. I never told him about my thigh...
I still can't help feel that I'm overreacting. My therapist on Thursday tried reassuring me that I wasn't. And that the fear and stress and anxiety can last for awhile. Plus I won't know about my lab results until the 24th so I won't have any closure with that for a couple of weeks.
Plus, it doesn't help that my emotions and reactions to things are amplified. And that stress can spark a change in the bipolar, which it clearly did.
I asked Nathan "how can I be numb, yet anxious at the same time". He said "you're talented."
ok. enough stalling. i need to go to bed.
(title: lyrics to "Collapse" by saosin)
I finally agreed with him. Especially because I can't keep turning to self-injury to calm me down. He looked at my knuckles and frowned. I never told him about my thigh...
I still can't help feel that I'm overreacting. My therapist on Thursday tried reassuring me that I wasn't. And that the fear and stress and anxiety can last for awhile. Plus I won't know about my lab results until the 24th so I won't have any closure with that for a couple of weeks.
Plus, it doesn't help that my emotions and reactions to things are amplified. And that stress can spark a change in the bipolar, which it clearly did.
I asked Nathan "how can I be numb, yet anxious at the same time". He said "you're talented."
ok. enough stalling. i need to go to bed.
(title: lyrics to "Collapse" by saosin)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
"You keep yourself so tightly wound, it's about time you break"
I got up around 6:30 this morning to study a little bit before the midterm. I felt okay about it. I was slightly too numb and overwhelmed to care. I mean- after yesterday I have bigger things to worry about than a stupid midterm. I drove to campus with Saosin blaring to drown out my thoughts. As I was walking into the building I started shaking and was having trouble breathing. I knew I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack, but I kept telling myself it wasn't true and that I would be fine, and that this feeling wasn't really the beginning of a panic attack, even though I knew full well that it was. By the time I got to the classroom I was uncontrollably shaking. I put my backpack down and sat next to Jayme and she asked how I was. Without even looking at her, I said "I'm about to have a panic attack". She grabbed my arm and pulled me into the hallway and I just lost it. Right there in the hallway in front of who knows who. Probably PT students we don't know- whatever. But yeah. She kept trying to calm me down, asked if I wanted a xanax since she has plenty (lol) but I said I never have taken that and i didn't want to risk it. Our prof went to see where we were and saw me on the floor. She asked if I was okay and Jayme said I was having a panic attack and my prof asked me if it was due to the midterm or if it was something else. I said something else and she put her hand on my knee and commented on how badly I was shaking. She said I could take the exam later when I calmed down. I called Nathan but could only talk to him for a few minutes because he had to leave for work.
A little while later i went into our profs' offices (they're conjoined) to tell Dr R that I couldn't TA today because "I'm not doing too well". She said "yeah, I heard through the grape-vine". I just kind of stood there zoned out for a second so then I figured i should probably offer some sort of explanation. So I did and dr R said "yeah, that's a bit traumatic" and then i said "yeah, and now i keep going between feeling utterly numb to uncontrollably shaking and crying". I asked when I needed to take the midterm by and she said not to worry about that and that they'll figure it out later, that i should just go home and take it easy. but i told her about the presentation i have to give tonight. i planned on skipping molecular pathology lecture- dr R basically told me to- but then after talking to Jayme i decided i needed the distraction. plus i didn't want to drive the 30 minutes back home, only to have to explain to my parents why i came home, and then have to drive 30 minutes back to give that stupid presentation. So i'm here. hanging out. completely numb. I rubbed my knuckles against the brick walls so they're all bloody now. i dont' have anything sharp so i had to make due. Dr R asked if what happened to my hand was from the accident. i laughed and said "no. i did that. i needed a distraction to calm down". she already knows i'm bipolar, so i'm pretty sure she understood that and understood why i was so susceptible to the panic. my emotions just get heightened... everything is more extreme than it should be.
i'm glad we know our professors so well, and that they know us. if i had been in a huge lecture hall, the prof wouldn't have known me and wouldn't know my history and would have made me take it.
I'm so tired. I barely slept last night and then got up early to study. i'm afraid of more caffeine because i dont' want any other cause of shakiness. I've barely eaten today but i'm just not hungry. and when i do start feeling hungry, i'm too numb to care. i barely ate yesterday, either. and not even for an eating disordered reason. i'm just simply too numb to feel hunger. or to care if i do.
Im in this constant state of detachment. Until of course, I think about things to much and start crying.
Jayme and I still haven't even gone through our presentation together to figure out if it's long enough. she wants to do that at the gym after she gets out of mycology lecture- but even though i have my gym stuff with me, there's no way i can go. 1, i'm way too tired. 2, i dont want to raise my heart-rate because it reminds me of panic attacks which tends to lead to another one. 3, I've barely eaten for 2 days and so i don't think my body would appreciate it, and 4, i need to just sit down and focus on it and not have a lot of other things going on.
i wish nathan wasn't working today. he usually doesn't work Wednesdays. I could have just gone to his house which is a shorter drive than my house and hung out with him all day. I though about just going there and hanging out in his room by myself but i dont even think his parents are home today so i wouldn't be able to get in. i'm stuck here for another 5 hours with no good place to go. TAing usually takes up at least 3 hours, but i'm in no way able to do that today.
the good thing is, is that maybe i'll be so numb when we give our presentation that i won't even have teh chance to be nervous.
on the flip side- feeling anxious might set off a bad series of events that will cause me to run out of the room.
either way, i can't wait for today to be over so i can go home and do nothing.
or i'll go to nathan's and sit there quietly with him as he studies. just so that i'm not alone.
(title: lyrics to "keep secrets" by Saosin)
A little while later i went into our profs' offices (they're conjoined) to tell Dr R that I couldn't TA today because "I'm not doing too well". She said "yeah, I heard through the grape-vine". I just kind of stood there zoned out for a second so then I figured i should probably offer some sort of explanation. So I did and dr R said "yeah, that's a bit traumatic" and then i said "yeah, and now i keep going between feeling utterly numb to uncontrollably shaking and crying". I asked when I needed to take the midterm by and she said not to worry about that and that they'll figure it out later, that i should just go home and take it easy. but i told her about the presentation i have to give tonight. i planned on skipping molecular pathology lecture- dr R basically told me to- but then after talking to Jayme i decided i needed the distraction. plus i didn't want to drive the 30 minutes back home, only to have to explain to my parents why i came home, and then have to drive 30 minutes back to give that stupid presentation. So i'm here. hanging out. completely numb. I rubbed my knuckles against the brick walls so they're all bloody now. i dont' have anything sharp so i had to make due. Dr R asked if what happened to my hand was from the accident. i laughed and said "no. i did that. i needed a distraction to calm down". she already knows i'm bipolar, so i'm pretty sure she understood that and understood why i was so susceptible to the panic. my emotions just get heightened... everything is more extreme than it should be.
i'm glad we know our professors so well, and that they know us. if i had been in a huge lecture hall, the prof wouldn't have known me and wouldn't know my history and would have made me take it.
I'm so tired. I barely slept last night and then got up early to study. i'm afraid of more caffeine because i dont' want any other cause of shakiness. I've barely eaten today but i'm just not hungry. and when i do start feeling hungry, i'm too numb to care. i barely ate yesterday, either. and not even for an eating disordered reason. i'm just simply too numb to feel hunger. or to care if i do.
Im in this constant state of detachment. Until of course, I think about things to much and start crying.
Jayme and I still haven't even gone through our presentation together to figure out if it's long enough. she wants to do that at the gym after she gets out of mycology lecture- but even though i have my gym stuff with me, there's no way i can go. 1, i'm way too tired. 2, i dont want to raise my heart-rate because it reminds me of panic attacks which tends to lead to another one. 3, I've barely eaten for 2 days and so i don't think my body would appreciate it, and 4, i need to just sit down and focus on it and not have a lot of other things going on.
i wish nathan wasn't working today. he usually doesn't work Wednesdays. I could have just gone to his house which is a shorter drive than my house and hung out with him all day. I though about just going there and hanging out in his room by myself but i dont even think his parents are home today so i wouldn't be able to get in. i'm stuck here for another 5 hours with no good place to go. TAing usually takes up at least 3 hours, but i'm in no way able to do that today.
the good thing is, is that maybe i'll be so numb when we give our presentation that i won't even have teh chance to be nervous.
on the flip side- feeling anxious might set off a bad series of events that will cause me to run out of the room.
either way, i can't wait for today to be over so i can go home and do nothing.
or i'll go to nathan's and sit there quietly with him as he studies. just so that i'm not alone.
(title: lyrics to "keep secrets" by Saosin)
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
"The floodgates are breaking and pouring out"
Today was one of the worst days in my life.
Started out by going to the doctor for my thyroid and ANA (anti nuclear antibody) test results. Thyroid is still low, even though I increased my thyroid dose. That's annoying. But then he told me my ANA titer. It's doubled since the last time he tested it. doubled. and now it's "speckled" which is bad.
ANA should be negative. It's indicative of lupus and other autoimmune disorders. When I was 15 I tested positive for it, but the doctor was like "oh, you don't have lupus, dont' worry about it". I was 15. What did I know? So then they tested it again a few years back and I had a titer of 160. Now, if it's positive, you want it <40. My neurologist requested that I get the level checked again (since I think narcolepsy is auto-immune), and now it's up to 320. And now it's speckled. My GP today said that if it's speckled it means that it's turning into something. And my increasing titer and speckled positive indicates some sort of connective tissue disease. He said "obviously, at the most extreme end is lupus. I don't think you're there at this point, but I don't know where you are and where your headed." So he drew more blood and ordered a rheumatoid panel, and referred me to see a rheumatologist. He also mentioned an aggressive preventative treatment by using "disease modifying drugs". He mentioned methotrexate. I'm not stupid. I know what that is. I said "you have to be kidding me". He said "well, it's a chemotherapy drug so I obviously don't want to start it now, especially without pinpointing what is going on first." Gee, thanks. I'm glad we at least agree on that one.
so then I was on my way home, and i was trying to merge onto the freeway, only people seemingly are unable to merge and to avoid hitting 2 cars, I had to serve, lost control and spun out, went across the median, ended up in the oncoming traffic with a semi truck headed right at me, i somehow managed to get my car back into the median before it hit me. i proceeded to call my mom and have a panic attack. got my car started (it took it awhile to restart). managed to drive across the median again without getting stuck (it's really muddy now that the snow has melted), and get home. by the time i got home i had finally stopped crying. i pulled in my driveway and my dad was working outside he said "good morning!" i said " it is NOT good morning" and burst into tears again. My poor dad! lol.
i cried and shook for a few hours after that. then Jayme came over to study for our molecular diagnostics midterm that's tomorrow morning. it was hard to focus, but at least it was a distraction. but as soon as she left i started crying again and havent' really stopped since then.
today was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I swear it was my guardian angel that saved me. I honestly don't know what happened. I don't know how i avoided those two cars and i don't know how i got out of the semi's way in time. I just don't even know. My car is fine- aside from having really muddy tires now. the alignment might be out- it was kind of shaky driving home (but i was shaky, too). it could have been just the mud in the tires. i don't know.
But then that stupid medical shit. I can't handle this. I keep thinking "maybe this will be the answer i've been searching for for 9 years" but do you know how many times i've thought that? and it still isn't true. and i really hope one of the blood tests comes up positive. because i want an answer to this whole mystery. but then-- i dont want to the answer that a rheumatologist is going to give me. But i don't want a negative test result, either, because that's just another door that gets slammed in my face.
I don't know which is worse. but seriously, at this point, i can't handle it either way.
and i don't want to take the molecular diagnostics midterm tomorrow.
i've given up studying any more today. i guess i'll get up early and hopefully will feel a little more hopeful. i doubt it. but maybe.
(Title: Lyrics to "Again" by Flyleaf (not Saosin... shocker!))
Started out by going to the doctor for my thyroid and ANA (anti nuclear antibody) test results. Thyroid is still low, even though I increased my thyroid dose. That's annoying. But then he told me my ANA titer. It's doubled since the last time he tested it. doubled. and now it's "speckled" which is bad.
ANA should be negative. It's indicative of lupus and other autoimmune disorders. When I was 15 I tested positive for it, but the doctor was like "oh, you don't have lupus, dont' worry about it". I was 15. What did I know? So then they tested it again a few years back and I had a titer of 160. Now, if it's positive, you want it <40. My neurologist requested that I get the level checked again (since I think narcolepsy is auto-immune), and now it's up to 320. And now it's speckled. My GP today said that if it's speckled it means that it's turning into something. And my increasing titer and speckled positive indicates some sort of connective tissue disease. He said "obviously, at the most extreme end is lupus. I don't think you're there at this point, but I don't know where you are and where your headed." So he drew more blood and ordered a rheumatoid panel, and referred me to see a rheumatologist. He also mentioned an aggressive preventative treatment by using "disease modifying drugs". He mentioned methotrexate. I'm not stupid. I know what that is. I said "you have to be kidding me". He said "well, it's a chemotherapy drug so I obviously don't want to start it now, especially without pinpointing what is going on first." Gee, thanks. I'm glad we at least agree on that one.
so then I was on my way home, and i was trying to merge onto the freeway, only people seemingly are unable to merge and to avoid hitting 2 cars, I had to serve, lost control and spun out, went across the median, ended up in the oncoming traffic with a semi truck headed right at me, i somehow managed to get my car back into the median before it hit me. i proceeded to call my mom and have a panic attack. got my car started (it took it awhile to restart). managed to drive across the median again without getting stuck (it's really muddy now that the snow has melted), and get home. by the time i got home i had finally stopped crying. i pulled in my driveway and my dad was working outside he said "good morning!" i said " it is NOT good morning" and burst into tears again. My poor dad! lol.
i cried and shook for a few hours after that. then Jayme came over to study for our molecular diagnostics midterm that's tomorrow morning. it was hard to focus, but at least it was a distraction. but as soon as she left i started crying again and havent' really stopped since then.
today was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I swear it was my guardian angel that saved me. I honestly don't know what happened. I don't know how i avoided those two cars and i don't know how i got out of the semi's way in time. I just don't even know. My car is fine- aside from having really muddy tires now. the alignment might be out- it was kind of shaky driving home (but i was shaky, too). it could have been just the mud in the tires. i don't know.
But then that stupid medical shit. I can't handle this. I keep thinking "maybe this will be the answer i've been searching for for 9 years" but do you know how many times i've thought that? and it still isn't true. and i really hope one of the blood tests comes up positive. because i want an answer to this whole mystery. but then-- i dont want to the answer that a rheumatologist is going to give me. But i don't want a negative test result, either, because that's just another door that gets slammed in my face.
I don't know which is worse. but seriously, at this point, i can't handle it either way.
and i don't want to take the molecular diagnostics midterm tomorrow.
i've given up studying any more today. i guess i'll get up early and hopefully will feel a little more hopeful. i doubt it. but maybe.
(Title: Lyrics to "Again" by Flyleaf (not Saosin... shocker!))
Saturday, March 6, 2010
"My thoughts exploding in thousands of pieces"
Went to my sports doctor yesterday. He said I don't need to completely stop exercise while I let the IT band inflammation calm down. He said spinning is fine, though. So that's good. And he said I'm already doing everything right. He noticed the bruises i have on my legs from rolling on the foam roller so much. He said "yeah, maybe you should lay off of that for awhile". Haha. But yeah, about the exercise he just said no running for a while- at least until I get the custom orthotics- and he said "you're smart enough to know what movements use what muscles. and you know when something doesn't feel right. So with trial and error see what you can handle and rest when you need to, and keep up with the ice and motrin". So as long as it isn't in pain and what I"m doing isn't aggravating it, I'm good to go. My hip has felt okay the last couple of days. I went spinning Thursday night and it felt fine. And he thinks the orthotics will help my hip a lot, too.
That was comforting.
I went to Jayme's today and we studied molecular pathology from 11:30am-830pm. We took about an hour long break to eat dinner and watch an episode of House, but even as we did that we worked on our thalassemia presentation.
Our current facebook statuses:
"G72/30, BDNF, MAOA, COMT, PIPK2A, 5HTT, CD14, IL10, CCL5, IL13, MYOC, OPTN, CYTP1B1, WDR36, RHO, RDS, ROM1, RP1, PRPF31 ,PDE6A, PDE6B, RPE65, RPGR, RP2, CFTR, ATP7B, His1069Gln, Hip1, HP, Hippi, PKD1, PKD2, PKHD1, DMD, gp130, LIF, FMR1, APP, bAP, PS1, PS2, SEC, SECR, FALS, SOD1, CNTF, POAG, PACG, RP, BD, SHOX1, NOD2/CARD15, NFKB ,IBD3, DLG5, SLC22A4, SLC22A5, PDE4D, ALOX5AP, FLAP, MMP3, IL6, PC, PS, CBS, MTHFR, MS, PLP, A222V, E429A, D919G (Find the error!) "
Those are some (sadly, not even close to all (FB has a word limit for statuses)) of the genes, diseases and protein acryomns that we have to learn for Monday's test. And it's not enough to know what they stand for, we have to know the pathogenesis of each disease, it's inheretance pattern, symptoms, risk factors, etc, for them all- and of course which gene/ mutated protein goes to which disease. Hence we spent 8 hours on this today. (and the error is "CYTP1B1". It should be "CYP1B1"- one of the four possible genes that can be mutated causing glaucoma (The POAG (primary open angle glaucoma) type)).
So that exam is Monday morning. I have the medical law and ethics exam Monday night (3.5 hour long essay exam. yikes). Jayme is coming over all day Tuesday because we have molecular diagnostics exam on Wednesday morning (which is going to be ridiculously difficult and we didn't even have time to look at that today) and their our presentation is Wednesday night.
But I'm not stressed out. Don't worry.
(Title: Lyrics to "Come Close" by Saosin)
That was comforting.
I went to Jayme's today and we studied molecular pathology from 11:30am-830pm. We took about an hour long break to eat dinner and watch an episode of House, but even as we did that we worked on our thalassemia presentation.
Our current facebook statuses:
"G72/30, BDNF, MAOA, COMT, PIPK2A, 5HTT, CD14, IL10, CCL5, IL13, MYOC, OPTN, CYTP1B1, WDR36, RHO, RDS, ROM1, RP1, PRPF31 ,PDE6A, PDE6B, RPE65, RPGR, RP2, CFTR, ATP7B, His1069Gln, Hip1, HP, Hippi, PKD1, PKD2, PKHD1, DMD, gp130, LIF, FMR1, APP, bAP, PS1, PS2, SEC, SECR, FALS, SOD1, CNTF, POAG, PACG, RP, BD, SHOX1, NOD2/CARD15, NFKB ,IBD3, DLG5, SLC22A4, SLC22A5, PDE4D, ALOX5AP, FLAP, MMP3, IL6, PC, PS, CBS, MTHFR, MS, PLP, A222V, E429A, D919G (Find the error!) "
Those are some (sadly, not even close to all (FB has a word limit for statuses)) of the genes, diseases and protein acryomns that we have to learn for Monday's test. And it's not enough to know what they stand for, we have to know the pathogenesis of each disease, it's inheretance pattern, symptoms, risk factors, etc, for them all- and of course which gene/ mutated protein goes to which disease. Hence we spent 8 hours on this today. (and the error is "CYTP1B1". It should be "CYP1B1"- one of the four possible genes that can be mutated causing glaucoma (The POAG (primary open angle glaucoma) type)).
So that exam is Monday morning. I have the medical law and ethics exam Monday night (3.5 hour long essay exam. yikes). Jayme is coming over all day Tuesday because we have molecular diagnostics exam on Wednesday morning (which is going to be ridiculously difficult and we didn't even have time to look at that today) and their our presentation is Wednesday night.
But I'm not stressed out. Don't worry.
(Title: Lyrics to "Come Close" by Saosin)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
"You'd better learn that this will not blow over"
I called Nathan tonight as I was driving home from campus and he asked how my day was and I told him about my stupid hip and vented and cried for at least 10 minutes about how I just can't handle this right now. and that even though Lisa has strongly recommended i NOT workout until i see the sports dr, that i have to at least try tomorrow. for my sanity. i have to just go and try.
after 10 minutes i felt stupid and then i said "but, besides that, my day was good".
he laughed and said, "so aside from freaking out all day you were good? that makes sense"
/deep breath/
it's taking every ounce of strength to keep it together right now.
(Title: lyrics to "It's far better to learn" by saosin)
after 10 minutes i felt stupid and then i said "but, besides that, my day was good".
he laughed and said, "so aside from freaking out all day you were good? that makes sense"
/deep breath/
it's taking every ounce of strength to keep it together right now.
(Title: lyrics to "It's far better to learn" by saosin)
"Don't let them know you're watching the situation crumble"
I hate my IT band. I hate my body. It always betrays me. Always. And no, that isn't black and white thinking- that's the damn truth. I can provide proof of this.
If I can't workout tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed. I already took yesterday off and have to take today off because of the pain. I have to take Friday and Saturday off due to my schedule, and Sunday is questionable. If I can't at least have Thursday, I'm going to fucking explode.
I can't take this right now. I just can't.
I'm stuck on campus until 9pm and all I want is to run, orto have a fucking razor blade with me.
And neither are possible.
I hate this.
And I hate this semester, so I can't even escape into studying. I hate studying this semester.
I can't handle this. Not right now.
(Title: lyrics to "Follow and Feel" by Saosin)
If I can't workout tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed. I already took yesterday off and have to take today off because of the pain. I have to take Friday and Saturday off due to my schedule, and Sunday is questionable. If I can't at least have Thursday, I'm going to fucking explode.
I can't take this right now. I just can't.
I'm stuck on campus until 9pm and all I want is to run, orto have a fucking razor blade with me.
And neither are possible.
I hate this.
And I hate this semester, so I can't even escape into studying. I hate studying this semester.
I can't handle this. Not right now.
(Title: lyrics to "Follow and Feel" by Saosin)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not sure"
stupid IT band syndrome is back full force. My right hip is absolutely killing me right now.
what causes it? well, overuse, increasing running and cycling amounts (particularly too much too soon), uneven muscle strength (especially weak abductors- which i don't know if mine are strong or not), abnormal walking patterns due to a wide array of things- including twisted tibias, which I very much have.
I guess this is why my right knee was acting up a while ago. now it moved into my hip again. (my right tibia is the more twisted of the two)
remedies: stretching, rolling on it with a foam roller (i do this everyday with my IT bands), ice, rest, orthotics, and drugs such as motrin.
I've been doing the stretching, rolling, ice, and as much motrin as I'm allowed. I'm getting orthotics soon (i finally made the appt with my dr and my physical therapist). I've avoided the resting part. Well- i did take a day off today to rest it. But i dont plan on extending the rest any longer than a day.
i know that's stupid. and my hip hurts. but motrin helps. and maybe by tomorrow it won't hurt so bad. I aggrivated it yesterday and it's been really bad ever since. so if i take precautions to not aggrivate it as much tomorrow, maybe it'll be okay... sure... ?
I see my sports doctor on Friday for the orthotic prescription (originally just because of my feet and calves). i'll mention the IT band syndrome stuff- although he'll just say "yup, that's what it is". he'll probably mention PT again, i'll decline, he'll give me the orthotics script and that will be that. i wish i didn't have to bother going. i wish he could just fax the script to my PT.
the fact that i plan on running and spinning tomorrow even with my IT band obviously hating me for it right now should be a wake up call to me that I still very much have a problem with exercise. I know I do. But... I don't care right now. I've already decreased the amount I'm doing per week and Lisa said I can stay at this amount for awhile to adjust and then maybe in a few weeks decrease it again. I like that idea more than resting a lot right now. I don't want to rest right now. I'm sorry, but I don't.
(Title: Lyrics to "Seven Years" by Saosin)
what causes it? well, overuse, increasing running and cycling amounts (particularly too much too soon), uneven muscle strength (especially weak abductors- which i don't know if mine are strong or not), abnormal walking patterns due to a wide array of things- including twisted tibias, which I very much have.
I guess this is why my right knee was acting up a while ago. now it moved into my hip again. (my right tibia is the more twisted of the two)
remedies: stretching, rolling on it with a foam roller (i do this everyday with my IT bands), ice, rest, orthotics, and drugs such as motrin.
I've been doing the stretching, rolling, ice, and as much motrin as I'm allowed. I'm getting orthotics soon (i finally made the appt with my dr and my physical therapist). I've avoided the resting part. Well- i did take a day off today to rest it. But i dont plan on extending the rest any longer than a day.
i know that's stupid. and my hip hurts. but motrin helps. and maybe by tomorrow it won't hurt so bad. I aggrivated it yesterday and it's been really bad ever since. so if i take precautions to not aggrivate it as much tomorrow, maybe it'll be okay... sure... ?
I see my sports doctor on Friday for the orthotic prescription (originally just because of my feet and calves). i'll mention the IT band syndrome stuff- although he'll just say "yup, that's what it is". he'll probably mention PT again, i'll decline, he'll give me the orthotics script and that will be that. i wish i didn't have to bother going. i wish he could just fax the script to my PT.
the fact that i plan on running and spinning tomorrow even with my IT band obviously hating me for it right now should be a wake up call to me that I still very much have a problem with exercise. I know I do. But... I don't care right now. I've already decreased the amount I'm doing per week and Lisa said I can stay at this amount for awhile to adjust and then maybe in a few weeks decrease it again. I like that idea more than resting a lot right now. I don't want to rest right now. I'm sorry, but I don't.
(Title: Lyrics to "Seven Years" by Saosin)
Monday, March 1, 2010
"You fall apart, and then you stop"
SAOSIN!
We were so close!
Cove (vocal) and Chris (bass)
Justin (guitar), Cove, Chris
I didn't get a good picture of the drummer, Alex. And their other guitarist, Beau, wasn't there. They never did answer why (although many fans yelled that question out to them)
(Title: Lyrics to "Changing" by Saosin)
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