babies!

my sister is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this pretending is catching up with me

 

I took my lamitcal for the first time in almost 2 months tonight.  I almost started crying after I swallowed.

I also put scar-zone on my newest scar from a couple weeks ago.

I've never used anything like that before.  Mom got it for me a long time ago, and I refused to use it.

I like my scars.

I feel like I just betrayed it by putting something on it to make it less visible.

I'm sorry, scar.

 But it's standing out a lot, and I don't want a bright red line on my wrist for wedding pictures...

I can't sleep now.

I'm just tense and regretting it.

Regretting taking the meds.  Even though I know one dose doesn't lock me into a lifetime of taking it.

And I'm regretting putting the scar zone on my arm.

I know one application won't do any thing right away.

I can choose to not take lamictal tomorrow.  I can choose to not put scar zone on my arm again.

It's not black and white like I automatically think it is.

But that's not the only thing I regret.

I regret cutting last week. 

Especially on my arm.

I depersonalized.  I wasn't thinking clearly.

I wasn't even in my body.

I dont' even remember making the decision to cut.

I just remember afterwards realizing it was there and that there was blood on my sheets.

I had a good day today.

Did a lot of wedding things with Nathan.

 Got to be with him most of the day.

Just us. It was so nice.

And so I keep trying to focus on that instead of the crappy stuff.

But then my mind starts racing about the wedding.

And so I still can't sleep.

So now I"m online listening to a band I just discovered (janus)

This battle will end one day.

I have to hold on to that.

Changes

 

Therapy yesterday went okay.  I didn't have to be too assertive about the topic... I explained to her how I took myself off of my bipolar med... as an experiment... and that i'm doing okay, considering.

Then I mentioned the fear associated with weight loss and how I sabatoge myself, and how I wonder if that's at all related to being off my meds for so long (since early December).

We talked about what losing weight in the past was like- the secrecy and the excitement.  All of that.

And then talked about how it is different than losing weight now.  How I still feel like i have to keep it a secret, and how I still feel like I'm doing something "bad", and yet I'm still excited.

She also pointed out that winter and fatigue triggers our bodies to want carbs. 

And since the windchill was below 0 yesterday and the wind almost knocked me over, and I'm always fatigued and have a difficult time sleeping as it is, it isn't all that surprising that I crave stuff at night.  

She told me to try being more gentle on myself. 

I wonder if I rearrange my MP so that I allow more calories to go to my after dinner snack... I wonder if that will help at all.  That way, when I'm actually craving something, I'll have more room to "give in" without having to hate myself afterwards.  

She mentioned a pendulum.  And that I need to stay focused on the middle.  She said, a small binge can lead to wanting to restrict a little the next day, which will make you hungry and lead to a bigger binge, which will lead to more restricting, which will lead to more binging.

I told her I knew that and was being careful about it.  I said "that's where I was at before I went to the hospital" (which was before I started seeing her).  And I told her I"ve been good about making sure not to restrict the next day if I was unhappy with how i ate the day before.

I've made a lot of progress in that respect. 

I decided ... there is no reason for the ED to keep holding me back and making me scared.

Yes, I have those memories and these feelings are definitely attached to them... but I don't have to let that ruin my life anymore.

So last night when I got home, I knew I was a little bit under my calories, so I allowed myself to have a snack, and I didn't binge.  I didn't go crazy.  I was calm, and I ate it.  Part of my wanted more, but I gently told myself I didn't need more, and that I was actually tired enough to go to bed, so I did. 

Amazing.

And this morning, I had a healthy breakfast, cleaned a bit, and then got in a decent workout, then had a good lunch.

And if my body loses weight, that's okay.  I don't need to announce it to the world, but I don't need to hide it.  Because I'm still eating.  And I'm not going crazy with workouts.  And nothing I"m doing is drastic.

There shouldn't be any shame or any fear.

It feels foreign, yes.  But that's okay.  So did eating again, in the beginning.

But I got used to that, didn't I?

I can get used to this.  Used to my body changing.  Going back to my old set point that I miss being at.

(the healthy number my dietician said I can be at).

And you know what?  If I'm unable to get down to that number because I have more muscle mass than I used to, then fine... I won't be that low.  I'm not even fixated on a number anymore.  More of a range.  And more of how my clothes fit.    And more than that- I'm focused on strength. And I can't be strong if I don't fuel my body.

And I don't have to be afraid of my body getting smaller. Because I am healthy, and there is nothing to be afraid of. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit:::  Added 8:01pm

i keep needing to remind myself that i can't lose weight overnight.  i want to lose weigh over night.  but no.  i can't do that.  i used to do that.  but i can't do that anymore.  i need to go eat my snack.  i need to so i can reach my calories today.

but then i think... i'll lose weight faster if i don't.  i can just skip it.  or i could workout some more.  

no no no!!!!!!!!!  i can't work out some more.  i already did some this morning.

and i need my snack!

weight loss shouldn't be overnight.  no no no

i don't do that anymore.

i don't.

ah shit.  why does my mind change so rapidly?  i was fine a few hours ago.  and now i'm freaking out.

ok ... i'm going to eat a snack and call my sister and see if i can go over there for awhile.

maybe i just shouldn't be alone.

my friend was here but she had to leave early to help her parents with something.

ok

i feel bad calling my sister and asking to go over. 

but she already offered.  so i shouldn't feel bad.

right?

i don't know what to have for a snack.  I"m entirely too overwhelmed right now.

let me speak

I see my therapist tomorrow.  I need to talk to her about me being scared to lose weight and sabotaging myself.  I also need to bring up that she needs to realize my quest to lose weight in a healthy way IS important to me and she can't keep on dismissing it so quickly.   Not only is it annoying, it's also causing me to avoid talking about it.  I know she just wants to help me challenge my thinking, but then I never even get a chance to say what's on my mind before she interrupts and challenges me.  And then I feel like what I'm saying is wrong, and that I'm "doing therapy wrong" because I'm apparently unable to say the right things.

I went to the cycling class today.  I can tell my legs are already getting stronger.  I was on a higher resistance and kept up better.  They feel dead tired now, though.  Hopefully I'm not useless tomorrow.

I don't have classes tomorrow but I'm going up to campus with Nathan, anyway.  I have an appt at the writing center about a paper due on Monday.  I don't even need to go, but the professor assumes everyone in her class hasn't written since freshman year and would need help and strongly encourages it.  This is not true for me since all of my psychololgy classes and most of my MLS classes have required multple papers, however, making the appointment forced me to write the paper before the weekend.  Plus, its a little bit over her page limit so maybe they can help me figure out what to take out to shorten it. 

From there I have therapy, then, if I'm up to it, another cycling class.  if not, i'll stop by the anatomy lab and help TA that-- or find a cadaver to dissect. Somehow, that is so calming.

Tomorrow is my last long day of the week.

My parents are going on a retreat this weekend so I'll have all of Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday to myself. 

I need that right now.

the aftermath

I went to another cycling class yesterday.  I had to keep it on the lower end for resistance- but I managed to keep up fairly well.  Between having weak legs and a crummy heart I can't handle as much as everyone else in the room.  But of course, I want to make everything into a compitition.

Mondays are my crappy days.  I'm on campus until 10pm, after getting there for a 9am class.

Yesterday, my 9am class professor never bothered showing up. I was really annoyed. 

So today, after a long Monday, and after a cycling class, my body feels dead.

I have a long list of stuff to do, but I'm so exhausted I don't know what I'm going to be able to manage.

It pisses me off.

Other people can handle it.

Other people can handle even more than that.

But I have one long day and sit on a bike for 45 minutes and I'm useless the next day.

this sucks.

Stubborn

I am truely blessed with everything in my life right now.  I know this, and I'm so thankful for it.

And I realized:

I DON'T NEED AN ED ANYMORE!!!!!!!

So why am I still holding on to it?

My body image is still awful.

I'm disgusted by myself.

I want to lose weight... but then I sabotage myself.

I overdo the exercise, even though my health sucks. 

I guess my health stuff is the one thing really holding me back.

I can't control it. and that drives me absolutely crazy.

 It really makes me separate myself from my body.

I told Nathan last week that I hate "it" so much and "it" keeps holding me back.  And that I have a hard time not punishing my body for destroying me.

He said, "Andi, you and your body aren't two different people. You don't punish one without punishing the other."

but but but but but....

Maybe logically I know that... but realistically... I can't see that.

Since I was 14 and my body turned against me, it's been me against it.

The cutting, bruising, starving, over-exercising... it was all a punishment.

It was all revenge. 

And so even though every other part my life has turned around, I'm still physically sick.

And even though I've been fighting like hell since I was 14 to get better, I'm not really getting anywhere.

I"m better than I used to be, yes.

But I'm not where I need to be yet.

I hate being held back in life just because I'm too sick.

I'm too stubborn for that. 

But is that getting me anywhere?

Bastian

So... apparently for college graduation, my parents help us out with a new (used) car.

I didn't know this until this morning.

My dad mentioned a place in town was having a used car sale with a trade in offer of at least $1000 (which my car wasn't even close to being worth).

I asked my dad what used cars typically go for since I don't have too much money for one.

And he said, "well no, it's for graduation.  We did this with all of the kids"

Wow.

So I am now the owner of a 2006 silver Cobalt.

I named him Sebastian.

We traded in Dmitri... who was completely falling apart.  That saturn was so old and making so many scary noises and leaking so many fluids.  I was terrified to drive anywhere.

Dad said, "I know graduation isn't until May, but it's obvious you will graduate and I dont think Dmitri will last that long."

That was not what I expected to be doing today!  But I am not complaining!

BIKES!

I went to the spinning class last night and my heart was okay!!!!!

It was a lot of fun and I definitely want to do more of those classes. 

I wish I didn't take the parasitology lab TA job.  It cuts into spinning and zumba classes that now I can't go to.

Dr R wouldn't mind if I didn't go to both labs.

She's told me that multiple times, but I still would feel bad leaving her to a lab full of 16 students trying to find tiny little parasites with a microscope.

Maybe as the lab gets easier I won't go as often... hmm..

The Tour de France is 161 days!!!!!!!!!

underlying fear

I think part of my problem is that I'm scared to actually lose weight, and so when I actually start making progress, I unconsciously sabotage myself.

Why would I be afraid of losing weight?  Because I've never done it in a healthy way before. 
It's always been secretive.  It's always been hidden.  It's always been unhealthy.
So now that I"m "allowed" to lose weight (according to my dietician), and I'm trying to, in a healthy way--- it's freaking me out a little bit.
It's like I feel ... gulity (?) for actually losing weight.  I won't tell anyone.  I'm afraid to admit it.  I feel like I'll get in trouble or something if I do. 
Plus, losing weight is exciting to me, and there's a tiny part of me that is afraid if I start, I wont' be able to stop. 
So whenever I'm doing really well w. my MP and exercise, and I actually start to make progress, I end up messing up my MP or something and I continue to maintain where I'm at.

But I am allowed to lose weight.
I have a weight that my dietician says I cannot go under.  I have agreed to that, and I honestly think I'll be okay there.  But it's a little ways off, so I"m not even there yet.  I can't get in trouble for losing weight at this point.  As long as it's not lost quickly, I"m fine.

But I'm scared to actually let it happen.

This is a big discovery, I think.  Because I have been beyond frustrated for the last year, trying to lose weight and not being able to.  I think I"m holding myself back a lot-- even though i know part of it has been the injuries and the heart stuff.  And I honestly feel okay enough in my recovery to not fall back into ED.  (i know it sounded like i was a few posts ago, but that was more venting than anything). 



I don't need to be afraid to make progress with this. 
I need to relax and let go.  Maybe I should start practicing yoga again...

PS: I'm trying the spinning class tonight! 

slept

I fell asleep before midnight last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It's been WEEKS since that's happened.  I'd venture to say months but I can't remember... it's been too long. 
Woke up around 9.  Amazing.

Today is set aside for studying. 
Tried to workout this morning but, inspite of sleeping 9 hours, my body felt tired and weak.  It was pretty pitiful, but it was something.

I hope I can run soon.
I want to try a spinning class... to see if my heart can handle cycling now that I'm on the beta blocker.  It never could before... I keep putting it off because I'm scared I can't handle it!!  I need to just bite the bullet and do it.  Maybe this Thursday.  There's a 45 minute spinning class..... that's slightly less daunting than an hour.   But only slightly.

Positives for today:

I get to see Nathan :)

I slept for 9 hours.  

I lifted weights

I ate protein with lunch

I have the whole afternoon to study

 

4am ruins everything

4 hours of sleep + 4 cups of coffee = pitiful attempt at productivity

I set 3 alarms for this morning.

I didn't hear any of them.

Luckily mom was home to wake me up at 8 for Mass.

trying to be responsible

I feel a little bit calmer today.  

We went to Nathan's sister's new house for dinner last night.  I managed to eat it but I've been restricting fluids-- which Nathan has noticed.  He's always on my case about drinking more water.  He kept handing me my glass of water.  I'd take a tiny sip and put it down.  I dumped some out when he went to the bathroom and no one was looking.  
I was getting the tour of her house and I fell and slid down the stairs because my legs gave out.  When we got back to the kitchen I just said "fine, you win" and drank the stupid water.


I managed to fall asleep by 1:30am, which isn't bad lately.  Mom and dad were gone all morning so I was able to finally work out a little bit.  I'm about to go to work in a few minutes.  I want to get on the treadmill there, but I know I shouldn't since I've already worked out.  I'm still really tired so I'm not exactly sure how work is going to go. 
I still need to study for molecular pathology --- I already have an exam this week. 
It'll be tough to both go to work and to study when I get home.  Especially since I already exercised today.  So I know I have to be responsible and not get on the treadmill when i'm there.
 At least I get to go in when they're closed.  It's an okay way to isolate.

funny how drastically my outlook on life changes in just 4 hours.

what if i never get better?

what other doctor can i turn to?  dr v. has basically said he has run out of ideas.

my problem is neurological, and the best neurologist in michigan has no idea what to do with me.

how am i supposed to hope?

war

another dead end.

i can't see the neuropsychologist my neurologst wanted me to go to.

this was his last idea.

this was my last hope.

why does my brain have to be so messed up?

i'm sorry, arm.

but you're easier to damage than my brain.

plus brains can't sense pain.

what a cop out.

damn you, body.

i hate you.

and you don't deserve all of the special treatment i've been giving you.

you deserve nothing.

except pain.

cuts

bruises

starving

the last thing you deserve is nourshment.

you have taken so much away from me.

i will take away from you again

my life has been hell because of you.

i'll make you feel the hell that you force me to feel inside.

i will get revenge this time.

i'm tired of pretending to care about you.

i never have.

i've never stopped hating you.

the war is on.

Sorry for the mushiness.

I'm so blessed to have Nathan.  And I'm so blessed that he loves me as deeply as I love him.

I've said time and time again that he is the one exception to everything.

I have a hard time talking to people.  But not him.

I like to isolate myself from people.  But not from him.

I have a hard time being open.  But not with him.

I'm always uncomfortable around people.  But not around him.

I'm always self conscience.  But not with him.

Yesterday was a horrible day.  But as soon as I got into lab and saw him, I smiled.

And my day was brighter.

And he held my hand.  And I felt okay.

And we ate dinner together, and I was okay with eating.

And we hung out until midnight, and I was happy again.

Life doesn't hurt when I'm with him.

The future isn't as dark when I'm with him.

If I'm always sick.  If there isn't a doctor who can figure out my medical mystery... At least I'll face it with him.

 And I'll be okay.

In 4 and 1/2 months, I'll be his wife.

And he'll be my husband.

Maybe the future isn't so bleek, afterall.

another day

Therapy has turned into me crying for one hour. That's about all that gets accomplished.

There is so much frustration at being sick and trying everything and running into dead ends everywhere. She made me come up with example of that and I said: insomnia, narcolepsy, fatigue, inability to run, and lack of weight loss. She kept challenging the weight loss... that the rest she could agree with but that my need for weight loss was my choice and not actually necessary. I kept trying to disagree but it was taking too much effort to argue and i have no energy for arguing.

the physical health stuff gave plenty to talk and cry about so i just avoided the lack of weight loss aspect of my frustration.

sometimes, i wish she would just agree with me for 5 minutes so i could talk about it without defending my way of thinking. and i realize a therapist is supposed to challenge disordered thoughts, but when i'm that upset sometimes i need to just go with it for a few minutes.

never made it to the gym today.
i babysat my nephew while my sister in law was at her dr appt. people probably thought lucas was my baby. i did not correct them. he's so adorable, i dont mind the credit. hahahaha

then i went to anatomy lab to see if the cadavers needed any dissecting. unfortunately, they didnt. plus there were too many students crowded around them for most of the time.
it was fun to be with the other TAs (plus Nathan TAs that lab). I miss it there.

and after therapy, i needed to not isolate. i was too drained for the gym, but didn't want to go home to be there with my parents.

went to RCIA with nathan after lab, then back to his house to watch some NCIS.

its after 1am. i'm still awake. i haven't attempted to go to bed yet, but i'm already dreading it.

more of the same

Yesterday was difficult to get through. I was 100% exhausted. Had an 8am lab. It wasn't bad. Just way too early. Then had molecular pathology, a 2 hour break in which I had wanted to go to the gym but ended up being way too tired for, so i hung out w. people in the study room. TA'd for parasitology lab from 2:30-5:30. then had clinical correlations at 6:00 but she let us out by 7. Came home and we had girls night before casey goes back to Seattle. watched Julie and Julia. was pretty funny. i wasn't really in the mood for it though.

I feel like an idiot in parasit lab. I know it's not my fault (i studied ahead of time)--- the slides the students have to look at aren't the greatest, plus they're really old so some of the membranes of the amoebas are falling apart, making them even harder to see. And some of them are only 5 micrometers big, so they're already difficult to see.
One student asked me if she found E. histolytica. I looked and I wasn't really sure. I could tell why she would think she had found it, but it looked more like a blog of debris than it did Histolytica. Dr R looked at it after I left and I overheard her tell the student "oh yah, that's it. the membrane is just disintegrating".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?????????????????????

I feel like I'm a horrible TA because a lot of my answers are "I think that's it". Never "yah, it sure is!". I'm terrified of telling them the wrong thing. I was getting better at it by the second lab, but still.... I hated this lab when i was in it, and we had a horrible TA, and I don't want to repeat last year.


I have to watch Lucas while Jenny is in for a dr appt. Then I have therapy right after that. Hopefully I'll have the energy to go to the gym (and to try a spinning class?) after that since it's now been 3 days since I've worked out.


I keep getting jealous of my best friend, Jayme. But best friends shouldn't be jealous of each other. But we have very similar backgrounds, but she isn't sick, so she can still workout everyday even on top of classes and studying. I seem to only be able to do one or the other. But she can do both. And she's thinner. And I"m not. and the wedding is in 4.5 months and I'm still stuck at this annoying weight and it wont' budge and now I haven't been exercising because I haven't' been sleeping and now school started and i have 2 jobs.

Even when I was exercising 5-6 days a week for 4 weeks over break, the scale budged only slightly and my clothes still fit pretty much the same. and I was doing really intense workouts, so please... someone explain this to me? I've been on a "weight loss meal plan" from my RD since fall of 2008 and i'm still roughly the same weight as i was then.

why won't my body change?

and why on earth am i still this tired? i slept in until 9am. and actually managed to fall asleep around midnight.
i hate this.

Drained

Had an appointment with my neurologist today. Nothing really is new. More frustrations. More tears.
Wants my ANA tested again. I had it tested when I was 15 and have the results at home, but I couldn't remember them. Plus, that was so long ago (8 yrs) he wants them redone.

And he wants to me to see a neuropsychologist about the insomnia. There isn't much more he can do about the narcolepsy since my brain isn't responding to medications. And if my carcolepsy med in the morning is what's causing my heart palpatations, then there isn't much he can do because I am completely useless when I am off the that med. And since I've tried every type of insomnia medication and only rozerem worked (and now that is starting not to), he's run out of options as far as that goes. He's hoping the neuropsychologist will be able to help me fall asleep, and that it might help eliviate some of my problems.

He wasn't mad when I told him I took myself off the pamelor--- since I was on that to help get me into stage 4 sleep, but after 4 years I'm still not getting to stage 4 the pamelor is obviously not working. He was fine with that. but had no other ideas.


I cried the whole way home. Put on music and tried to sing along. I read somewhere singing is good when you're freaking out becuase you can't hyperventilate if you're singing. Plus music is theraputic. It helped.

I'm utterly exhuasted right now. But I have a lot of homework to get done for tomorrow, though for Clinical Corrolations and for Molecular Diagnostics lab. 8am lab tomorrow.... I better fall asleep before 3 or 4am tonight or I'm screwed.


Oh. And I have a new job now. Dr. R. asked me yesterday if I wanted to TA for the two parasitology labs. I agreed since I'm already stuck on campus with 6 hour breaks on those days and it's easy money. Cuts into my workout and study time though... which are the only two downsides. But it's a light enough semester I should be able to be okay with it. And she said if there's a day where I'm too busy to TA it's fine. She just needs help most of the time because they are such big labs and parasit can be tricky.


I need to study for that, too, though. There are two labs tomorrow and I haven't looked at parasit stuff since last winter.

off schedule

couldn't sleep until 4am. Didn't wake up until noon. I hate this. It completely throws off my day. And my eating. I had breakfast at noon? then worked out. Ate "lunch" at 330. But I'm not even hungry. My calories are wayyy too low, but I'm not hungry. and I slept through real breakfast and my first snack. If I try to cram those calories in somewhere else I'll be really full. And I don't want to be really full.

I need to get to work soon. Of course I'm putting it off. I should have gone in hours ago. But no, my body has to be retarded and can't sleep during normal hours.

Luckily my church has an 8:30pm Mass. Nathan and I are going to that.


Part of my problem is that when I workout, my appitite goes away.


Too bad the weight doesn't want to go away.

lines

I wasn't entirely truthful with my T last week. I see her next week. Well, this Thursday, so I guess it's this week already. I know I should be honest with her. But ED screams at me to lie.

Yesterday I thought of emailing my dietician to ask what the max about of exercise I can do is. But ED screamed at me not to do that. So I'm putting it off.


I'm tired. And hardly sleeping.


Last week I had to make a list for my T of warning signs that I was crossing "the line".
I failed to tell her the signs were already there and lines were definitely being crossed.

i can't remember if i took my beta blocker yet or not.
i don't think i have. but usually i take it earlier than this.
hm.



i hope i can sleep tonight.


i really feel like cutting.
and i know THAT will help me to sleep.
tempting.

eh

ok. moods are lower than they were an hour ago.

maybe it's just because I'm tired.

but nathan doesn't get off work until 11. and as much as i want to ignore the world, he is always the one exception. i need to talk to him tonight.

i still haven't decided if im taking my bipolar med tonight or not. i guess if i do it should be a lower dose since ive been off for awhile.
that's too much thinking. easier not to.

here

i can tell my moods are shifting downwards again. I dont know how far they'll go this time. I haven't been off my medication for this long of a time in quite awhile. I took myself off over break. Just to check it out again. I know I'm not supposed to. Especially since I haven't told anyone. But I've kind of stopped caring.


I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.
I hope the depersonalization doesn't come back full force again.


Maybe I should re-start my meds. But seriously- I don't want to.
If I can be left alone, I'm fine.


I wish my body and brain didn't suck.

DNA fingerprinting

Ok, so my molecular diagnostics class is going to be AWESOME! Well, I haven't had the actual class yet, but I've had the lab. I just read over next weeks section in the lab manual and did the pre-lab questions.... I'm so pumped for next Wednesday! We're doing DNA fingerprinting. We'll get a "crime scene" sample, and then 5 "suspect" samples, and we're actually running test to see if any of the suspects are guilty based solely on their DNA. How freaking amazing! This is exciting. :D
I mean, obviously these samples are fake, but still---- These are real life situations...

DNA is cool.

And I am a nerd.