All this pretending is catching up with me

 

I took my lamitcal for the first time in almost 2 months tonight.  I almost started crying after I swallowed.

I also put scar-zone on my newest scar from a couple weeks ago.

I've never used anything like that before.  Mom got it for me a long time ago, and I refused to use it.

I like my scars.

I feel like I just betrayed it by putting something on it to make it less visible.

I'm sorry, scar.

 But it's standing out a lot, and I don't want a bright red line on my wrist for wedding pictures...

I can't sleep now.

I'm just tense and regretting it.

Regretting taking the meds.  Even though I know one dose doesn't lock me into a lifetime of taking it.

And I'm regretting putting the scar zone on my arm.

I know one application won't do any thing right away.

I can choose to not take lamictal tomorrow.  I can choose to not put scar zone on my arm again.

It's not black and white like I automatically think it is.

But that's not the only thing I regret.

I regret cutting last week. 

Especially on my arm.

I depersonalized.  I wasn't thinking clearly.

I wasn't even in my body.

I dont' even remember making the decision to cut.

I just remember afterwards realizing it was there and that there was blood on my sheets.

I had a good day today.

Did a lot of wedding things with Nathan.

 Got to be with him most of the day.

Just us. It was so nice.

And so I keep trying to focus on that instead of the crappy stuff.

But then my mind starts racing about the wedding.

And so I still can't sleep.

So now I"m online listening to a band I just discovered (janus)

This battle will end one day.

I have to hold on to that.