more.

appt w. the EP today.
won't let me off the beta blocker.
now i need an exercise stress test and a tilt table test.



i've cried more minutes out of this day than not.


i hate this.

this will never end.

weak

it's 65 degrees today. and sunny.
perfect running day.

so i tried.


HA.



i hate this.

who knows

so i went a day on Monday w.out the beta blocker due to my internship interview and then being gone all day after that, unexpectedly, and didn't have beta blocker with me. And... i'm now hypomanic. all week. yesterday was REALLY bad. I took a few "downers" last night when i got home and managed to sleep 10 hours, which is about what I've gotten total all week. So I think I was able to snap out of the manic phase since I'd never be able to sleep that long if I still was. I feel better today... less... hyper and all over the place. but still not normal.

The bad thing is.. the beta blocker makes me tired, but the hypomania makes me hyper. So I can't sit still and I want to move all over the place and study and do everything all at once. But I'm too tired to do said things because of the BB. So then it feels like I'm trapped inside my body while my head is going a million miles per hour. Then i get really tense and anxous and don't kow what to do with myself. So my 10 hours stuck on campus yesterday was not helping. I even had a hemostasis lab midterm yesterday. That was interesting to take. It was hard to sit still and be quiet.
I kept having to leave the study room and pace the halls. I called nathan a few times and the first time he had to tell me to slow down because I was talking too fast. I also sent him a weird email. He was good about it. He laughed at the email... and so did I after I read it again.
I had to talk to one of my professors yesterday and he tried to tell me to make sure i slowed down my talking or she'd think i was high. i hope i managed it. she didn't say anything.

email:

most of what you said makes sense. i didn't really have the attention span to read the whole thing so i skimmed it and now i'm really motivated to actually study so i'm going to do that right now instead of the case study but i will look over this again later. if you were heated up would your BP really go down? i would have thought up. i need to think about that. i will think about that. i found r---- and finished registering. yippee! that lady seemed grouchy. not r----. the other lady. r---- is never grouchy. i can't stop moving!!!!!! but my eyes want to close and take a nap. wait. eyes cant take naps. you know what i mean. you'll probably tease me for that sentence. that's ok. I LOVE YOU!!! i hope the heater fixing guy comes soon and you can be warm. being warm is good. i like being warm. the computer lab is super warm right now. I'M actually warm so that's saying something. too bad you cant' be here. i miss you!
k. i should go!

his reply:

That's the longest email I've ever had from you! Wow! You must have been typing quickly... I'm surprised your eyes need a nap, but even more surprised that you didn't just delete that part if you didn't want me to read it. You're funny and I love you.

I talked to him today and he mentioned the email. he said "it was like you were simply typing whatever came to your mind" yeah. pretty much. i'm kinda surprised it wasn't longer.

i managed to study today for a few hours.
i was going to attempt working out but i kept blacking out so i didn't think that was a good idea. maybe tomorrow.
i'll be going to work later, too.
i'm feeling better after my 10 hours of sleep... so i'm hoping i'll be productive today.

i was hoping i'd be more productive w. studying yesterday since i was manic and motivated but i was in the study room and a lot of people were talking and i was easily distracted and couldn't actually focus on one thing at time. so i didn't do a whole lot except play minesweeper and pace the halls. i did laps around all 3 floors of the building. a few times.
i had a 6 hour break between classes yesterday because i didn't have lab after the lab midterm and the midterm only took me 30 minutes. i was done by noon and my class isn't until 6.
it was a long day.


i hope i stable out. and i hope a depression doesn't follow the hypomania. i'm feeling better than yesterday but i can still tell i'm not exactly normal yet. i am still amazed i slept for 10 hours, though.
i guess i just have to wait and see.

poison

i don't really like life right now.

i got through the 3 exam week somehow. i don't feel like i've learned anything... i just know how to study for these teachers.

casey and kathrine are still here.
apple picking and party at ryann's tomorrow for ~25 people. i'm expected to join.
kathrine's baptism Sunday afternoon. company at house before and after.

um. hi.

i need my house back. i need company to not be here.

i need to be awake.
i'm so behind at work.
i have another 2 exams next week, plus a paper.
i haven't started writing the paper or studying for the exams.
i still haven't exercised at all.


i don't feel human.

and all i want to do is starve and cut.

i know that won't fix anything. but at least i'd feel something.
i just feel like a zombie.
just going through the motions.
i almost cry everytime it's time to take another dose of the beta blocker.
poison.
that's all it is.

pathetic

so far, all day i've been light headed (blacking out included) and feel like i might pass out at any second.
it's very hard to get work done when it's difficult to sit up straight.

i managed to stay at work for a little over 3 hours today. biggest accomplishment of the weekend.
pathetic.

useless

I'm not doing well.

I am so beyond exhausted. I do not feel like myself.
Sure, I'm always tired, but most days I can usually work though it.
Me on a beta blocker? I'm useless.
I can't think. I can't focus. I'm just so tired. Lecture makes no sense. I"m too tired to study. I'm too foggy to be productive at work, so I haven't been going, so I'm getting behind.
I have 2 exams and a quiz this week. Plus 2 homework assingments due. I haven't studied yet. This material is impossible to cram for, if I had the ability to cram.

8 classes is too many.
Ok, 7. The one I just have to show up for an hour and listen to people talk about their career. But still, it's still an hour out of my already unproductive life each week.

People say, "why don't you drop a class?"

BECAUSE THEN I WON'T GRADUATE IN MAY!!!!

And yes, I could technically gradute next December and start an internship in January, but my number one favorite hospital I want to intern at doesn't start internships in January like two of the others do. So if I do that, I miss out on it and have to settle for a lower choice.

I'm not okay with dropping a class.
I'd hate myself if I didn't graduate in May.

But I have barely studied all week. I'm not retaining anything.
I kept blacking out all day today. And yes, I'm eating and drinking enough.

I wish the beta blocker wasn't working, then I wouldn't feel the need to take it.
But it IS helping. My HR is lower and I'm not having as many palpatations.

But being this tired is not acceptable.

I'm getting behind in everything.
I'm not exercising.
And I'm just plain exhausted and overwhelmed.

I need to talk to the head of my department. When I told her a couple weeks ago I was sick she said "let me know if I can do anything for you."
I have no idea what she can do for me. I have to learn the stuff- there's no way around it. But I need to ask. Is there something she can help with? I doubt it. But I need to know.

I can't take this much longer.
I'm starting to hate myself.
I'm lazy and useless.
I might as well stay in bed all day.