lab and grades

Lab clean up is ALMOST done.  Today was another solid 7 hour day.  It's been four  7-9 hour days in a row, and we're ALMOST done.  I'm going to go back in on Tuesday for a few more hours to help Kristin out with the molecular diagnositics equipment.  But that's really the only thing we didn't get to.

I hope I get department honors, on top of honors.

Grades are posted--- and my final college GPA is 3.9. 
Sadly, that's lower than I wanted it.
But I'm still proud of it.


I'm really tired.

I planned on going to my "real" job tonight after being in the lab all day. But I am so wiped out that I don't really feel up to it.  It was a big, big project fixing up the lab. 

What I love, though, is that 3 hours at the physical therapy office feels like 8 hours.  But, 8 hours in a laboratory feels like 3. 
 It's pretty obvious where I belong. 

microscope!

So... I may or may not have an expensive real-life microscope sitting on my living room table.   Along with a big box full of blood slides to look at, organize and come up with case studies for.

The perks of being a lab assistant at the university i no longer attend.

I've spent the last two days working in our lab, cleaning, organizing, throwing away stuff.  The lab is all over the place.  Kristin, our new professor, since Dr R went to our new med school, hates how the lab is set up, and i completely agree.
and our old hematology lab teacher made a complete mess of all of the blood smears.  There are boxes of slides, some with labels, some without.  Some labels are just numbers or letters, or a date, or initials.  nothing that makes sense.  i have 5 boxes i organized of 100s, 200s, 300s, 400s, and 500s.  They must all at one point had a binder with the corresponding case studies.  But where is it?  We don't have it.  So we have a whole bunch of slides with no way of knowing (unless we go through each one and try to figure it out).  There are a few other sets of numbered slides that we do know.  So I found all of those and have them organized in their own boxes.  And then there were just random slides that have no indication.  One slide is labled "Sad Case"  Wow... really informative.  One is "leukemia"  okay... which kind?  One is "RBC morphology"  Um,, okay?  all RBCs have a morphology. Not helpful.

So I asked her today, figuring the answer would be "NO", if I could take my microscope home (my trusty # 12), and work on sorting them out, figure out which ones go together, and maybe figure out what the slide is and make a case study for it.  And she said YES!   I love her!

Kristin thought this would be a two day project.  It's turning into at least 3 (I won't be surprised if I end up coming in for a bit on Friday, too).  Luckily my friend Stephanie has been helping me.  We've been working two solid days and we're barely making a dent.  It isn't helping that Kristin is 8 months pregnant and can't help out much... which is fine.  But the more man-power, the better.

Which is why I wanted to take the RBC slides home with me so I didn't have to waste time while i was there.

So I snuck my trusty # 12 in a box out to my car so no one would think i was stealing a microscope, and then hid it in my car and was all geeked out and super excited all day. 

I got some of it done tonight.  All of the random slides are really hard for me to decipher.  I can't figure out what they're supposed to be-- which is really frustrating since this is my future job.  To my credit, these aren't the best slides and a lot of them are older than I am.  But still.  There's a slide labeled "Monocytes eating platelets" (which isn't the most scientific way of saying that), and I spent at least 20 minutes looking at it and didn't find a single platelet getting eaten.  WHY CAN'T I FIND IT?!    I've seen things like that before! 
So I really don't know if I'll be able to make any case studies.  I really thought that I could... but now I'm doubting myself.  I can potentially keep the microscope until Monday- which is when the summer semester starts... so maybe I can do some this weekend.  But graduation is Saturday afternoon, I'm going to Lisa's bonfire that night,  and on Sunday, I'll have Mass and then my parents are taking me and Nathan out to dinner to celebrate graduation.  So the weekend will be chopped up and busy. 

Anyway.  I'm so excited that I have my microscope in my living room.

Oh, and I got my Golden Key International Honor Society cords today.  They're purple and white- which is random.  But I'm excited to have more cords than other people.  Maybe that's snobby.... ?  But I don't think it's horrible to be proud of my accomplishments.  And for people to be aware of them.  Is it? 

The Dress!

Had my dress fitting yesterday.  I LOVE MY DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And it fits perfectly.  The only alteration she had was the hem and to take it in ever so slightly at the top.  It was looser than it was when it first came in.  But not so loose that it was it was falling off.  The lady at the store came in to see it and she said "oh, you have the perfect body for this dress.

I feel BEAUTIFUL when I'm in it.  I never feel beautiful. 

Yesterday was the first time in... a really long time... that I thought, "wow, I don't need to lose any weight.  I'm okay where I'm at".

My future sister in law was with me and she started crying when I put my veil on (it's Ryann's veil that mom made for her wedding 10 years ago).
When I was leaving the store it hit me that it's almost a month away and that I'm going to marry Nathan!

I called my mom and when she picked up, without even saying "hi" I said "holy cow mom, I'm getting married!"
she said, "uh.. I already know that". 

I'm so excited. 

I think now that school is OVER, I have TIME to be excited and for the reality of it to sink in. 
I mean- I've been excited the whole time, but at certain times it really hits me that this is real.  And now that it's almost May, which means that it is almost June, I'm beyond excited.

done

I'm done with college.  Amazing.

bad timing

So tonight at dinner, right after I put the last little bit of rice that was in the pot on my plate, my dad says "wasn't your dress fitting yesterday?" i said, "no, i thought it was, but it's on tuesday".  "oh... okay"

WHY WHY WHY WHY did he have to mention a dress fitting as I was about to eat a little bit extra rice?  I ran today, I had enough room in my calorie range to eat that little scoop of rice.  It wasn't like I was over-eating and wouldn't fit into my dress.

I know he probably didn't mean for what he said to be connected in any way with the rice.  But.. he said it.  And then I didn't want the rice.  But, I knew if I didn't eat it,  it would look weird, send up red flags, and my mom would get all upset.
So i ate the damn rice.

but now i'm freaking out.  what if my dress doesn't fit on Tuesday?

It fit just fine when i first tried it on, but if i got bigger then it would be too tight.

i've been too scared to weigh in or measure myself for a few weeks... so I don't really even know.
I need to check tomorrow.



I have my wedding shower tomorrow.  I have two exams on Monday.
I'm not prepared for either one of them.
And I'm kind of stressed out, but kind of too numb to care.
I'm not at any risk of failing these two classes.
All I have to do is pass them, at this point.
I'm graduating in 7 days.
All I have to do is pass.

amazing

I went running today outside.  And it felt amazing. 

But now I have to go to my neurology appointment. And I don't want to.

numb

i am very thankful for xanax.

"We don't care what we have done and seen"

I have no more college classes to attend.  No more presentations.  No more papers.  I have 3 exams left.  That's it.


Shouldn't I feel relieved?  But I don't.

I'm just stressed out.

I have another doctor appointment tomorrow for the MRI results.

I can't even think straight.

I have so much to do.  So much to study.

I need to get the wedding invitations addressed and mailed.  When?
I need to work.  When?
I need to do lab stuff.  When?
I need to study study study study study study study. When?
I need to get a new social security card. When?

I need to breathe.  When?

I have a final on Thursday.  The shower is this sunday.  I have two finals on Monday. (they were all supposed to be on Monday... i got one moved, thankfully).

I need to work out, and I've been trying to schedule some exercise time in each day (which hasn't been successful), for my own sanity.  but then I feel guilty working out when I know have so much other stuff to do.  But if i don't workout, then I lose my sanity, and then I can't get anything done anyway.

I have a dress fitting on Friday.

FRIDAY!!  I've barely worked out in two months.  I haven't measured or weighed myself since then because I've been too scared to know.  What if I'm too big?  What if my dress is too small?  It fit last time I put it on.  What if it's too tight on Friday?  a'wsldfkjnmas;dolfgnjasedlkfnmas

oh, and now i'm a bridesmaid for a friend two weeks after my wedding.  her wedding was supposed to be in august, but oops... they got pregnant, so now it's moved up and she needed another bridesmaid because her other one couldn't come up in june.  so now i have to figure out all of that and find a dress (and fit into said dress).

have i mentioned how much i hate my body?
i feel disgusting.
absolutely disgusting.

i can't stand myself.

and i have other stuff to do, that isn't hard, i just feel paralyzed. 
I have to call Mrs W about singing at the wedding.
I have to call and schedule an appt. with the cake lady.
I have to email Fr Ben about the rehersal.

nothing hard.  Just... stuff.  and i keep putting it off.
because i just can't think about anything. 
I'm trying to think about molecular pathology, molecular diagnositcs, and law and ethics in health care.
so that i can pass the finals and graduate in two weeks. 
but even that isn't working because I'm so stressed out.

i'm so stressed out.


(Title: lyrics to Uphill Battle by Saosin)

Can't breathe

What on earth is going on with me now?

I had to take a xanax at work yesterday. But then I couldn't work much longer because I zoned out.

I've been fighting the urge all day to take one.  I finally gave in and took half.  I figured I'd take one right before class tonight so that I don't freak out for the presentation.  But I already took half.... so I guess I'll be taking another half in an hour and a half...

I'm shaking like crazy.  And you know that weird feeling when it feels like you insides are going to drop down and then you get all warm and your heart starts racing?  That keeps happening... but... every other minute.  I keep getting that horrible anxiety-ridden feeling.  All the freaking time.  And that feeling scares me.  Because it reminds me of panic attacks.  And then I get scared because I'm on campus, currently by myself, and, not that I ever want to have a panic attack, but I sure as hell don't want to have another one here when I'm stuck on campus for another 4.5 hours.  Especially since I do have to give a solo presentation.  And if I have a full blown one... then I'm screwed. 

I'm not even that worried about the presentation.  I know the material inside and out-- it's my own case history for pete's sake.  It only has to be 10-15 minutes.  And it's for classmates that I've known for at least 2 years.  Plus, no one will be paying attention, or remember how I do.  So really, it's not even the presentation.

I don't know what it is.  I just can't wait for school to be over because I can't handle everything all at once.  I haven't been able to exercise, which I know isn't helping anything, because I've either been too tired, or too busy.  Or yesterday- when I had time and energy-- my right knee hurt so badly that I couldn't workout. After the presentation, I only have two more lectures to sit through and then three finals (that are, unfortunately, all scheduled on the same day-- which happens to be the day right after the wedding shower... great timing (i would have scheduled the wedding shower for a different day but our professors screwed up the scheduling so I didn't even know when two of my finals were going to be until two days ago...).
That same week I have my first dress fitting, that I'm scared for because I've barely been able to exercise.
I have to train Rachael how to do stuff in the lab, and how to autoclave, etc.  Plus I have to do stuff in the lab and autoclave.  I have to help Dr. LP organize our MLS lab (which will be after finals, and which will be fun because that lab needs so much work- and i like organizing things).  I'm really behind at work.  I need to call Mrs W. about singing at the wedding.  I have to mail out invitations.  I have to get together all of the centerpiece stuff.

The stupid thing is- is that I don't even care about that.  The stuff I just listed... none of that is bad.  It's just... that it's all there and in the way.  I'm so busy and always thinking about or doing SOMETHING that I haven't had time to process ANYTHING. 

I can't breathe.  I JUST CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE. 

Scary

I have a diagnosis now.  Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease.

I'm doing a presentation on it tonight for class.  That'll be interesting.

I'm pretty much indifferent about this.  I'm done with school in 12 days.

Nathan has to have heart surgery.  First he has to get a more invasive type of of echo on it.
But two of his heart valves are a lot more damaged than his doctors first thought.

The thought of him going through surgery scares me.  I know he'll be fine.  I know the surgery will help him.  I know this.
But then I picture him laying him on the table and a doctor hovering over him with a scalpel.  And then to change/ fix two heart valves... wouldn't they have to STOP his heart? 
ds;dklfa'sdklfsadigfjasdkfnds;asef;'ind'akiknoicna

School needs to be over now.  It's just in the way now. 

last college paper

Had the MRI of my brain this morning.  Now I have to play the waiting game until the 21st. 

I had leave my house this morning by 6:45.  So, needless to say, I'm wiped out yet again because my only day of sleeping in... I wasn't able to sleep in.  Meeeh.

I have to write my paper on sickle cell anemia today.  I have it all researched and a rough draft somewhat written in my notebook.  Now it's just a matter of typing it.  I like sickle cell anemia (i like learning about it- not that it exists), so it's not that I don't want to write it.  I just don't have the motivation or drive to do it. 
I'm tired and have a headache and just want to curl up and sleep.

I took a 3.5 hour nap yesterday afternoon after the diagnostics lab final.  I'm pretty sure my new medication should not allow that to happen... Hm.

There's an NCIS marathon starting in 45 minutes... maybe I'll take a break until then, and then type the paper as I watch it... since chances are I've seen all of them and Gibbs and Abby can keep me company in the background.

I'm sick of feeling this way.

i need a reason

i'm not doing alright today.
the doctor appointment i had today was the worst one of them all.
i dont have it in me to explain right now.

i am so utterly defeated i dont even know what to do with myself.

i still have the MRI on saturday and an appt w. dr V on the 21st.
if the MRI shows nothing, then i'm done. i quit. 
i can't handle this anymore.

i never ate dinner.  unless a pear counts for dinner. 
i was with nathan so i made myself eat something for him.


but i miss the anorexia.
the anorexia gave me a reason to feel sick.
it gave me a reason to not have kids (and to not have to admit that i'm not having them because I'm scared I can't handle it).
there was no mystery as to why i was tired, why i had headaches, why i couldn't focus, why my whole body ached.

i need a reason for why i'm still feeling all of that.

and i know how to create it.

no song lyric title. just stuff.

i need an off-switch for my brain.  i need an eraser so i can erase the memories.

i can't sleep tonight.  i close my eyes but just have flashbacks.

every once in awhile the memories come flooding in from nowhere.  completely unexpected everytime.

aww, i just got off the phone with Nathan again--- he had called me a few minutes ago because he saw me online and we hadn't talked all day because he worked until midnight after being in class all morning/ afternoon.  i was kind of quiet on the phone and didn't want to bring anything up because he has to get up early and it's past 1am and he needed to go to bed.  not even a minute later he called back, "are you okay tonight?  is there something bothering you?"  i said "it's been kind of a rough night... a lot of memories". 
"about what?" 
"growing up.... it really sucked back then"
-pause-
then i said "i don't know where they came from.  it's silly, i'll be fine"
we talked for a few more minutes but finally i said "okay seriously- go to bed so tomorrow doesn't completely suck for you".  he laughed and said "ok" and we said our 'i love you's and hung up.

i started crying again when he called.  i don't know if he could tell.  i thanked him for calling me again. 

he said "i can't wait for us to be married and to be together at night so that on nights like these you don't have to be alone".

i can't wait either. 
all i need right now is a nathan hug. 

59 more days.

but seriously- these stupid memories and flashbacks are silly.  and i feel so dumb for being so bothered by them every time.
it's unnecessary.

i wanted to get up early. 
i dont' know if that will be a good idea or not...
i hope i fall asleep soon.
i can't remember if i took rozerem or not.  i can't take more than one.  but i don't know if i've already taken one. 
oh well.

i'll sleep eventually, right?

All over the place

I haven't been avoiding writing or anything lately, have I?  Nah... it's just been a week and a half...

Summary of the last week and a half:  I got a nasty cold.  My professor gave me crap about not taking the exam on Monday (then called my mom and burst into tears and had to go to Nathan's house because I couldn't stop crying for over an hour).  I took it Wednesday anyway and it was fine.  Finished my ethics paper.  Procrastinated on my molecular pathology paper.  Haven't studied for the molecular diagnostics lab final that is this Friday yet.  Nathan officially become Catholic last Saturday at the Easter Vigil!!!  I cried because I was soo happy! :)  Decided I don't like the new narcolepsy medication yet I haven't switched back to my old one yet.  Found some good verses while reading the bible two nights ago that are making me a lot less freaked out about things.  Had a fun birthday celebration with my niece turning 6 last week and had a fun Easter celebration with my nieces and my 8 month old nephew running/ crawling around the house on Sunday.  And... that's about it.


Today Nathan's sister, Bethany, came over to help mom sew her bridesmaid dress.  I'm completely confused now.  I always thought we were about the same size. But I saw her measurements written down and realized I am FIVE inches smaller than her everywhere.  Bust, waist, hips, everywhere!  Seriously?  How is that even possible?  I feel like I'm as big as her.  How are my eyes that messed up?  How is my body image that disorted that I add at least 5 inches to myself.  I spent the rest of the afternoon looking at Bethany trying to figure it out.  I don't think she's all that big (even though I wouldn't be okay with it for me..), so if I'm smaller than her than I can't be all that big, either?  BUT I AM HUGE.  I don't get it.  I just don't get it. 

I've been getting stricter with myself about eating.  Not restricting... just... progressively more perfectionistic about it. 

Susan told me last week in therapy that, although she's a health care professional and cares for my wellbeing and could never be okay with me falling back into anorexia, she said she COMPLETELY understands why it would make sense to, in my mind.  She said, "well sure, why wouldn't you?"  and I couldn't answer her. 
In my mind, my body is going to be sick and exhausted either way.  When I'm eating well, I'm still tired.  And I'm still unhappy with my size.  But, if I stop eating, I'll be tired.  But- I'll have a reason why I'm tired so it won't be as frustrating.  Because at least then, my exhaustion wouldn't be a mystery that no one could figure out. It's easy to figure out if I'm not eating. Plus, I wouldn't be as unhappy with my size anymore. 
If I'm going to feel sick everyday of my life, I might as well get something out of it (ie: weight loss), right?  At least be able to control SOMETHING.  Because ever since I've been hom from IP, I've eaten well and have tried to lose weight, and it has been sooo difficult.  And then, my body crashes and I'm unable to exercise for X amount of time because I'm too sick, so of course I can't lose weight... because my body sucks and continues to be sick... even though I feed it now.  So why bother feeding it? 

It hates me- I'll hate it back.

I'm glad she said she understood that.  Not because I need her "approval" to relapse (not that I'm relapsing), but I'm just relieved that my logic (or lack there of) isn't so out in left field that I've lost all reason. 


Then she asked if I thought I'd still be alive if I hadn't gone into IP treatment. 
I said, "No".
"Then isn't that worth it?"
"I guess so, but now it isn't.  If I gave in, it would be one less battle I'd be fighting right now.  I'd have a reason for feeling like shit, and it would be in my control so it wouldn't be so mentally painful as it is now.  I need a reason to feel this sick.  I need to at least get something out of it.  At least have some sort of control over it." 
"But you have a reason you feel so sick"
"Sure, I have some mystery sleep disorder no one has ever seen before and can't fix, and a rising ANA titer no one can figure out.  And no treatment can fix a brain, so I'm pretty much sick forever, aren't I?  I might as well at least feel comfortable in my body if I'm going to feel like this."


Then she asked why I continue to eat well when it's my choice and I don't like what I'm doing now.
I said, "because no one will get it.  people will worry and get hurt.  Nathan won't like it. I can't hurt Nathan. My mom will freak out.  Jayme, my family, no one would leave me alone about it.  it's NOT my choice."
She tried to convince me it was still my choice but it's hard to agree with her on that one.

But she said, from my point of view, she understands why I would think this way.  Which was nice to finally hear.  No one else gets it.  

So, that was last Thursday.  Like I said, I haven't been restricting.  I'm staying within my range... but I'm being a lot more strict. 
I think stress is getting to me.
I'm done with college in 20 days and I'm getting married in 60 days (!!!).  It's happy stress, but stress nonetheless.  I feel very pressured. 



Here are the verses that are helping me not freak out about my appt with the sleep specialist on Thursday or the MRI of my brain this Saturday, or the follow up appt with my neurologist after that.

"Do not give into sadness, torment not yourself with brooding; Gladness of heart is the very life of man, cheerfulness prolongs his days.  Distract yourself, renew your courage, drive resentment far away from you;  For worry has brought death to many, not is there aught to be gained from resentment.  Envy and anger shorten one's life, worry brings on premature old age..."  Sirach 30: 21-25

and

"Terrified by what his mind's eye sees, like a fugitive being pursued; As he reaches safety, he wakes up astonished that there was nothing to fear."  Sirach 40:7-8

and, for when I'm scared to hope- in fear that I'll be more hurt if I'm optomistic than completely hopeless, I've been praying this:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you many abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13





I've been going back and forth a lot between thinking I'll be sick forever to believing in God's power to heal- and trying to trust that He'll help me through life.. Because if nathan and I are meant to have children- He has to provide some way for it to happen, because right now, I don't think I'd be able to physically manage it.

And I guess that's another reason why I don't find an ED so bad anymore-  For awhile I was scared I'd ruin my ability to become pregnant and be a mommy.  But now, it seems like I can't do that because I literally cannot function off the narcolepsy medication.  And I can't control that. 
At least I'd have a reason people could understand if I was simply infertile.  But if I am fertile, then I feel selfish for not "sucking it up", going off the meds, and raising kids while having zero energy.  I can't control that.  I can (and have) control(led) the loss of periods for years and years.  And at least that makes sense. 

I know this is all very illogical.  I know that I'd be even sicker if I wasn't eating.  I'd have less "good" days (read: less "function somewhat normally" days).  I'd still have osteopenia- or even have progressed to osteoporosis... and lose all hope of running.

I feel like I'm going crazy.
I have a headache.  It feels like there is pressure within my skull. 
I'm so tired today.  4 cups of coffee on top of my new medication... no help.

When I don't feel well, it's hard to feel hopeful.  Or to see why I should keep trying.