pop

i still am surprised that i'm more angry at my mom than i am at my dad... even though i get along so much better with her than him.

when i had to write letters to them at rogers (not to be sent), the one to my mom was a lot longer and a lot angrier.
i hadn't been expecting that.

i brought that up with susan today.

i wonder if i'll ever work up the nerve to tell them everything.

it almost doesn't seem fair to me to not tell them.

i know there were a lot of factors leading to the behaviors- but my parents are HUGE contributors.

i need them to know that.

i need to pop their ignorant bubble that i've been protecting for all of these years.

i'm tired of protecting it.

counting down

i can't wait to move out of this house.
my parents are toxic to me.




tentively 521 more days until im married!

hopefully i can move out a little bit before then, since i graduate in 486 days...

natty

little Natalie completely stole my heart this week.
she is the sweetest child i have ever met. so calm and loving and happy.
i love that she warmed up to me so quickly.
i loved cuddling up with her and reading stories to her and kissing her little forehead.


i wanted to hide her so that Ryann and Joseph couldn't take her with them.


i'm so happy for them to move home soon so that i can play with Natty and watch her grow up.


i want a natalie one day. i hope all of my kids are natalies.

i miss her.

eeeeeee! (part 2)

CASEY AND ROBERT ARE HAVING A BABY, TOO!!!

..

mom is so fricking annoying.


i need to get out of here.

Eeeeeeeee!

Brandon and Jenny are having a baby!!!!

new pants

i realized a few days ago i didn't have any black pants or anything dressy-ish for christmas eve. so i braved going to kohls for pants. always terrifying.
it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i still don't like the size that i am. but it hasn't gone up, so that helped. the black pants are a size smaller than before and the jeans i found for 1/2 off (sweet!) are the same size as before, but they're big on me. so... *deep breath*
i hate clothes shopping. too anxiety provoking and stressful.

i'm finally noticing a change in my body, i think. i've had more time to add more weight training and variety into my workouts. and ive been running 11 minutes a few times a week... and no broken bones! i don't know. i'm still being patient... but it's still hard.

but i went and got black pants, and still went home and ate lunch afterwards, even though i was uncomfortable with the size.
so i think that was successful.

but i still miss being a size 0. and i still miss wearing skirts from the girls department, because size 0 was too big.

maybe that's sick and twisted, but i miss it. i miss being tiny. i miss seeing my bones. i miss my pants becoming too big all the time.

i still haven't accepted that i'll never be there again.
i still have all of my small pants.

afterall- ryann is tiny, and she's healthy... right? why can't that happen to me, too?
i should give her my old clothes, since they're not doing anyone any good sitting in my closet-- but i think it would be too hard to see her wearing them, and knowing that i can't fit into them anymore. and knowing that's had 2 kids already, eats whatever she wants and never works out.

but i'm not bitter.




i hope that one day, trying on clothes won't be tramatic.
i hope that one day i can be comfortable in my skin.

today isn't that day.
but maybe one day.

engaged!

I don't think I'm going to stop smiling for a really long time!

Fingertips

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
This is how I disappear- my chemical romance

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Everyday- dave mathews band

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
scream, aim, fire- bullet for my valentine

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Wolve's - iron and wine

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
forever and always - bullet for my valentine

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
when two are one- Atreyu

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
broken bones- rev theory (very true! stupid femurs!)

WHAT IS 2+2?
40 miles from the sun - bush

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
trust- thrice

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
a little piece of heaven- avenged sevenfold (aww)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
fences- paramore

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
still running- Chevelle (yup!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
when the rain comes- third day

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
bent- matchbox twenty

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
born for this - paramore

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
nice to know you- incubus (hahaha)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
louder than words- greenwheel

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
conspiracy- paramore (shhh)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
the theft- atreyu

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
the best i ever had (grey sky morning) - vertical horizon

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
babylon- david grey

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
3am - matchbox twenty

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
It's far better to learn- saosin

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Betrayal is a symptom - thrice

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
here we go again- paramore

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
between the end and where we lie- thrice

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
alright- tantric

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
burn it down- avenged sevenfold

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
blood on the ground - incubus

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
fingertips- they might be giants

COMMUNICATE!

i'm still so tired.

i slept until almost noon today.

worked for awhile. i was going to workout at home tonight, since my parent's aren't home, but i dont know if i have the energy.
i've only been awake for 6 hours.... this is ridiculous.


Other news- My mom never informed me we were going to my brothers on the 23rd and to my aunts on the 26th - to see my cousin who lives in chicago. and ryann, jos, and the girls will be there on the 23rd and casey and robert will be home for the 26th.
but i didnt' know about this stuff going on, so i had made plans to go to nathan's family thing on the 26th.
and i never told Nathan, so hes working the 23rd, so he can't come now.
depending on what time things happen on the 26th, i might need to skip out on Nathan's family- which i really don't want to have to do.

i wish mom had told me this. i only know becase casey sent everyone involved a message on facebook about it.
so my sister, three time zones away tells me, and not my mom, who lives in the same house.

lovely.

Anger

so i guess i know now what had been building up for the last little while.


i just spent a good hour in my room crying my eyes out.
i sat down on my bed, about to read a little, when everything just hit me, like it would at Roger's, and i couldn't stop crying.

i shouldn't be surprised.
the last month or so has been nothing but school.
the last couple weeks, all about finals, the week before that, panic attacks.
something had been building. but i never let myself slow down enough to feel it. i'm good at doing that. keep busy, and you don't have to think about life.

it still surprises me how these few things stick with me. still bother me.
i had new realizations tonight, which surprise me, too.


there's a lot of anger inside of me still.
a lot of hurt.
a lot of resentment.
a lot of pain.
a lot of haunting memories.
memories of everything. pain, fear, darkness.
so vivid.
it's still raw.
very raw.

i guess ive never fully gotten it outside of me.
the anger.
i've always taken it out on myself.
angry? cut myself
angry? don't eat
angry? go lose 30 pounds.

there's always been a lot of factors that drove what i've done. a lot of different things that fueled the cutting and the ED.
but one thing has always been a constant--- anger.

the red, sore, bleeding cuts to me just screamed anger. angry red lines. angry pain. angry scars.
the pain in my stomach, the hunger, that screamed anger, too.
the bones, the more they stuck out, the louder they screamed anger.

i guess it makes sense, that now i'm not turning to those behaviors, that I'M going to be the one feeling the anger first hand.
it was always my body feeling the anger. it was never my mind.

i'd been protecting myself.




so now what?

done with biochem

biochem final wasn't too bad. all of the things i thought would be short answers, were indeed short answers. and the things i didn't go over, ended up NOT being short answers! i still don't remember bilirubin synthesis or heme synthesis regulation. the bilirubin question was a SA question, actually- but it was one where we could either answer that or part B, which was about DNA repair, which was super easy.

he messed up ont he numbering (there were two #3s for the short answer part), so i think he accidently added 6 extra points. so that means there was a possibility of getting 126 out of 100 points...
i think it was okay.

it might be a little pathetic, but i'm going to miss that class.


i went to the gym (FINALLY) after the exam, then rushed home to go to my appt. with Susan, only to find out that she's on vacation. so i have no idea when my next appt is, because the lady there didn't know and i could have sworn it was today.
so i went to work for a couple hours, but i was tired and had a headache and couldn't focus so i came home. i need to study micro all night. but ive been up since 6 and fell asleep around 2, and my brain is fried from this morning.


i'm glad i'm going to have my biochem prof again next semester.
i really like how he teaches.
we were talking to him today after the final and i said how i liked the class, even though it was really hard, and he said that he would just be jipping us if he made it easy. i totally agree.
tess is going to be able to manage biochem in med school fairly easily, because our prof used the med school biochem book. and he made us know it inside and out.
same with clinical immunology that i have next semester with him.


i'm kind of upset with Susan.
I had called her during one of those stupid panic attacks a couple weeks back and she never called back. and now she's gone when i had written down my appt was on the 9th.

i could have used therapy today. it would have been really good timing.


ok. im taking a break and doing nothing that requires brain energy until 6.
at 6, i will lock myself in my room and study bacteria until i can't stand it anymore or fall asleep.
my micro final isn't until 3:30, so i have plenty of time tomorrow, too.


almost done. almost done. almost done.

finals

I love school, but finals... they're not a good idea.

biochem final tomorrow.
i keep going back and forth on how i feel about it.
i know i have a lot of things down really well.
and i know the things i'm still shakey on... so i know i should just focus on those shakey areas, but i keep avoiding them for some reason. it's annoying.

i had more coffee at 330 today.
i'm still tired.
i'm burning out but i have a lot more to do tonight for tomorrow, and as soon as biochem is over, then i have to cram for micro...

it'll be nice when all of this is over.

i have to go to Mass tonight at 7.
i should make it my goal to study really hard until i have to leave.

but my heart just isn't in it right now.

ready for bed

i'm so tired it's retarded.

i could take a nap- or just go to bed for the night, and it's 4pm.

oh wait, didn't i do that yesterday?

SERIOUSLY.

extra coffee and everything.
but does my body care?

NO!

stupid body.

distracting

So after that last post yesterday, I went upstairs to study and ended up falling asleep until almost 9pm.
I got up, hoping I'd be up to studying for a little while. Well, that wasn't the case, so I took rozerem and went back to bed, and woke up at 9am, only because of my alarm going off. I easily could have slept for a few more hours.

So I lost yesterday for studying. Which is annoying.
But I really needed that sleep.

Today I've been studying biochem and micro off and on.
I don't feel as solid w. biochem as i did with the last exam. But that's probably because I have been sleeping instead of studying... Ugh.

It's already 1:30...
This stinks.



Dad is SO annoying.
I would be okay with him leaving the house today.
I think it's time for headphones and loud music to drown everything out.
Between dad accusing me of being a bad notetaker (???) and dad's whistling and his pacing the house (must he shuffle his feet?) and humming to himself, and mom with the TV on loud because they're old now... it gets aggrivating.


-deep breath-

i'm not stressed.
... right?

tired

i'm completely exhausted again today.
i went right home after lab this morning. skipped the gym and yoga.

i need to study but my eyes want to close.

this is frustrating.
it's not a typical everyday tiredness.

my bones are tired.
this feels like CFIDS tired.

sensitive

I'm way too sensitive to other people's emotions.

i don't know how to change that.
but i really, really need to.

it's not helping.

almost over

Just got out of microbio lab. Finished my unknowns and identified all of the bacteria i had. I think I had 12 or 13 total, I can't remember.

Had my last micro lecture tonight.
Tomorrow is the last lecture for biochem. We still have 5 1/2 chapters to cover... that should be interesting.
Tomorrow is my last class for issues in health care- and i have to do a group presentation- which i'm NOT looking forward to.
i HATE HATE HATE talking in front of people.
Seriously.
i dont like people!!!
thats why i want to work in a LAB and work with bacteria and viruses all day.
if i wanted to work with people i'd be doing something else.

oy.

3 finals next week.

and then i'm done.


amazing.



now all i have to do is find the motivation to study...

crazy.

it just dawned on me.

i got through all of that without hurting myself in any way.
i didn't cut, i didn't restrict, i didn't purge, hell- i didn't even exercise for 3 days.

i just let myself feel it. no matter how raw and painful it got.

i used my voice.

i waited for it to pass.

and it did.

finished

i finished my paper last night. It's 7 pages, 8 1/2 if you count the reference page, which i think i can do.
had dad and nathan proofread it for me.
finished the reference list this morning and poof! a paper all about streptococcus agalactiae.

i just have micro lecture and lab tonight. neither should be too bad.
hopefully i can identify another bacteria today in lab with my unknowns. i identified two on monday. I had haemophilius influenzae and staph. saprophyticus. i have a psuedomonas, but i have to wait for some of the biochemical tests to come back before i can officially say that.

jessica is going to spend the night tonight.

then i'm going to yoga in the morning with Nathan.
then to his grandparents house for Thanksgiving.

just finished making a batch of pumpkin bread to take over there.
the house smells good.

talked to ryann for over an hour this morning.
working on getting the house for sale!

anxiety has lessened.

i have no idea what was up with those few days.
I hope that's over and done with.

yesterday i was able to take my time and write the paper without stressing myself out too much.
i could actualy focus and write a logical sentence... so that was good.


i could have made it to yoga today- Lynnes class- but i was talking to Ryann and making bread so now i won't be able to make it on time. at least i'll be able to workout today, though.
going 3 days without it sucks.

Drained

I don't know what to do today.
I just got out of biochem, so I either go to the rec and workout, or I go home and start working on the paper right away.
I haven't exercised in 2 days, so skipping today makes day #3.
That doesn't sit well with me.

But I'm so tired.
I've slept so much the last 3 days, though, so this is stupid.
I slept most of Sunday because of the ativan. Then I slept in on Monday, so I got about 9 hours of sleep.
I fell asleep on the couch last night after micro- again while Nathan was over... i felt bad about that.
I went to bed at 10, as soon as he left, and woke up at 730. So another 9+ hours of sleep there.
and yet it feels like i haven't slept in days.
i keep yawning and don't feel like moving, and exercising right now does not sound appealing, even though i really need to do something.

The tiredness is probably from the anxiety. That's the only thing I can think of.
plus i'm afraid to drink too much coffee because i don't want to get shakey--- i don't want to feel anything that is similar to anxiety right now. i can't handle that. i still feel too fragile and vunerable.

i talked to my micro prof last night- told her about the panic attack and the anxiety- how i had to have Nathan drive me to and from campus because i was in no condition to be driving. i told her i had a good chunck of the paper done, and it wasn't like i had been procrastinating and just trying to buy extra time- but that i had planned on working on it more this weekend and yesterday, and the anxiety and panic attacks came unexpectedly and screwed up that plan.
she said "well, see what you can do and let me know Wednesday how it went. it's that time of year- with finals- you're probably bring a lot of the anxiety upon yourself."

uhh.. okay, that doesn't help me at all.
For one thing, i'm not stressed about school right now. aside from this paper, i dont have anything to do until my 3 finals that a few weeks away.
And then- what if i dont' have it completed by wednesday and she decides she doesn't care, and then i get screwed over.

not helpful at all.

im going to try to get it done tonight.
i had told dad i'd email him my paper monday night- well, that didn't happen
he called to see if i had sent it and it didn't go through- so i called him back and said i'd try to send it tonight.

i guess i'll skip the gym... again.
i hate that. i really do.
but i really need to finish the paper tonight, so that in the morning i can do finishing touches on it, and i dont have to worry about dad or my prof's reactions to not having it done.

i have all day.
it's only noon.
if i go home now, i'll be home by 12:45. i can eat lunch, and then get started on it. take breaks when i need to. make sure i stay calm.
my brain typically starts shutting off around 10pm, so that gives me a lot of time to work on it.
i should be okay.


i can do this
i can do this
i can do this.


anxiety levels aren't as high today.
it's just the exhaustion i'm fighting.
hopefully the anxiety stays away and lets me finish this damn thing.

i am shakey.
i'm telling myself it's coffee and provigil.

i'm not anxious...
got that, body?
now- stay that way.

panic

i'm not okay today.

i slept most of yesterday, due to the ativan.

i woke up, still anxious.

ive been working on my paper, i have 3 pages done, and a few more ideas of what to write about.

but it's hard to focus on that when i'm freaking out and shaking and bursting into tears for no reason.

i want to take more ativan, to sleep this off.
but i can't.
i'm already skipping micro lecture. i should have already left for class, but i can't. theres no way.
i have lab at 5, and i can't miss that. we're doing our unknowns, and i can't afford to miss a lab right now.
so i have until 4:15 to stop freaking out enough to be able to drive and functon around people.


i'm going to have to talk to prof W about getting the notes from lecture today. i'll probably tell her i wasn't feeling well enough to make it. which is true.
i'm debating on whether or not to tell her i've been on the brink of a panic attack and haven't been able to focus to work on the paper.
to see if i can turn it in after thanksgiving.
i doubt she'll let me, but it's worth a shot?
i have a good chunk done, and i'll tell her that. say ive been working on it and it isn't procrastionation that's causing me to need more time, but the fact that i can't think straight because my mind has been in panic mode for the last two days and i dont know when it'll stop.

i dont know.

i can't take this.

i wish i wasn't home alone.
i wish mom was here.
somebody.
i'd even take dad, at this point.

i just can't handle this.
i'm shaking so badly
and crying.
and freaking out.

i shouldn't be alone right now.

i hope i can drive later.
and i hope that i can funciton in lab, and make sense of things and not ruin my unknowns because i'm too out of it to think straight.



i seriously can't take this anymore.

i called susan but she didn't answer, either.
must be in with someone else.


i dont even know what to do with myself.
i seriously want to take ativan again, but i really can't.
i HAVE to make it to lab tonight.
i have no choice.


i have no idea what to do.

no idea.

no fucking idea.

i can't make this stop.

i can't stop crying.
i can't stop shaking.
i can't stop panicking.


i can't take this anymore.

dazed

i actually took ativan this morning.


two, actually.

very unlike me.

but the panic...

i'm so dazed right now.
everything im doing is confusing to me.
like logging into blogger.
and writing this entry.
trying to figure out what to eat.

i dont know how long this takes to wear off.
i never take ativan.
i had it one time at rogers, but before then? i dont know.


im afraid of it wearing off.
what will happen?
will only the cloudyiness and confusion wear off
or will the panic come back, too?

i dont want the panic to come back

please
dont let that come back.


nathan isn't answering his phone.
should his church service be lasting longer than 3 hours?
i'm really confused.

my parents have already left for Seattle

so. i'm home alone for 8 days.
that's JUST wnat i need right now.

thank you for that lovely timing.

down

.



moods are crashing.



wait, present tense? i think they're done crashing. i think they've officially crashed.



now i'm here among the reckage looking for any glimpse of life.





not seeing any.






when will the darkness end?


.

Borrowed.

I have 36 gallstones in my purse right now.

One is larger than a peanut M&M.

They're from an old man I never met, yet know really well.

I have to give them back on Sunday, but until then... this is really cool.

sweet

i am completely kicking biochem's ass!!!!

i got a 110% on the exam


how is that even possible?!?!!

i'm so excited.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

BEN GET'S TO COME ON HOME IN JANUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cram

microbiology exam in 45 minutes.

i don't feel prepared, but i keep telling myself that her tests aren't that difficult. it's just multiple choice. i should be able to recognize enough things.



i emailed lisa the link to the online food and exercise log today. i think this will help. i'm feeling good about making progress, now.


the last 3 days, i've done well... so hopefully i can keep it up.


i need to go cram some more with what little time i have left, but i'm really sick of reading about bacteria.
it's a good thing I didn't bring Eclipse with me... haha. I'm almost done with it... again.

ok. 30 more minutes of cramming in the library and then i'll head over to class.

then i don't have any more exams until finals week!!!

awesome.
i like that this semester is almost over.
i've liked this semester... but still... i'm glad it's almost over.

last dissection

Sunday already? Seriously?

The exam on Thursday went pretty well. I think the difference was in the studying. I didn't necessarily study more, i studied smarter. I have a better understanding on how he writes his tests, and knew how and what to study. It was a relief to be over. We probably won't get them back until next Thursday, though.

Yesterday the TAs did the abdomen and thorax dissection. Maureen and Nathan and a couple of other students joined us. I GOT TO WORK ON THE RIB CAGES! No one else but Nathan even touched them. Everyone knows I've claimed them forever, and they're all okay with that. No one else likes to work on the ribs.
i even got to crack the ribcage off! i needed nick and Dan to help me because i had never done it before, but i cracked most of the guy's ribs and helped cut the diaphragm off and other assorted tissues.
awesome!

Our bodies are WEIRD this semester. They pulled me over to the female body and showed me an organ they had cut in half. "What do you think this is, Andi?" I didn't know... i guessed the spleen... Nope! It was a kidney!?! what the ?
the kidneys in each body had huge pockets of liquid on them. it was so strange.
i heard them say the guy's heart was really fatty
The lungs in both bodies are horrible. Smokers, for sure.

The man's stomach seemed small, I guess. I didn't actually see it- i was busy with the ribs.

No uterus in the woman. I'm not sure what we're going to do... Somehow the uterus we've had for years has disappeared (along with our favorite brain/spinal cord, and a few other things). I don't know who decided to send them back to where ever they'd be sent to. It wasn't Dr Bee.. she doesn't know where it went, either.
which is REALLY annoying, because she's in charge of that lab, basically--- so for someone to go behind her back and do that...
I'm protective of lab and of our organs.



I need to be studying for micro... i have an exam tomorrow.
but i really don't feel like it.
i had good intentions of waking up early, studying, going to mass, work, exercise and study the rest of the day
but i don't think that is going to play out exactly like that anymore.
I'll probably go to the 130 mass instead of 11.
i really need to get started on something.

oooof.

numb, happy, hurt

i haven't been able to make myself freak out about the biochem exam tomorrow morning.
i oddly feel prepared, but really- i haven't studied nearly the amount as the last exam.
he claims this exam is just as hard, if not harder, than the last one. but i can't figure out how that is... and that slightly worries me.

i think i'm just numb.
numb to life and to caring.
i'm burnt out and i don't care.
i think i'm tired of trying so damn hard.
trying so hard in recovery, only to not get anywhere.
trying to hard in school, only to realize there is no end in sight.

i'm not going to grad school, so why should i care about my grades.
i just need an internship.
so really, the pressure to 4.0 is all from me.
and it's unnecessary.
and i know that, and i've known that all along.

i'm just numb.

i feel like two or three different people.
parts of me love life, and are so happy and excited for the future.
parts of me hate life, hate me, want to say 'screw it' to recovery. hates the future- sees no end in sight to the suffering and struggles of the ED and depression and uses pain to get through it.
and parts of me are simply numb.


so do i care about the exam tomorrow?
yeah.
but am i freaking out?
no.
there are a few more things i still need to go over and write out a bunch of times. and i should have done that tonight.
but i didn't.
i did spend 5 hours studying with tess, casey and brandon today. and when i got home from micro i studied for a while, and had a 3 way call with casey and tess and we quizzed eachother for 40 minutes.
there are still a few more things i'm shakey on, that will probably be short answer questions.
but i cant' get myself to go over it tonight.
i guess there's tomorrow morning still. that's what i'm counting on.

but really.
i don't even care right now.

go away.

i want, so badly, to be home alone right now. but no. dad's home.
mom left. not sure where she went. i had fallen asleep in my room awhile ago on accident. when i woke up she was gone.
i don't know why it matters if dad is home or not. but i absolutely hate it when he is. i need to study biochem tonight, and whether he is here or not, that's what i'll be doing. so why does it matter that he's in the other room watching the hockey game?
it shouldn't matter.
except it does.
i get so tense when he's around.

i hold my breath everytime i pull into my driveway- praying that there will be no cars parked there. or at least- only my mom's car. i feel like swearing whenever dad's car is parked there.

completely unreasonable.

i was actually home for dinner tonight. i ate so fast, just so that i could go back upstairs.
i didn't want to be there when dad was also at the table.

this is stupid.

but i wish that he'd just go somewhere.
remember that he had some weird errand to do tonight or something. or go to bed early. anything.
just so that he wouldn't be here.

i just want to be alone.

i wish i could move out.

update

i got out of micro lab early tonight. it was just the review for our exam Wednesday.
and then i ran into KATIE in the hall!!!!!

SO excited!! I haven't seen her in SO long!

she had a class at 6, though, so i only got to talk with her for 10 minutes or so.
but it was good.
we might hang out Thursday night (by which the biochem exam will be OVER!)

micro lab shouldn't be too hard.... she said it's straight forward. only 15 questions. pretty much all identification. i just need to memorize the flow chart.

surprisingly, i'm not panicking about biochem.
maybe i should be?
i dont know.
he said this exam is the hardest--- but i still can't figure out why.
at least the chapters are somewhat connected to each other... for once.
and it's only 5 chapters. and not even complete chapters, because a lot go into so much detail he didn't want us to worry about it at that level...
we'll see.
i still have a lot of time.
-tonight, tomorrow afternoon, wednesday, early thursday morning (assuming my car doesn't break down on me again!)
studying with tess on wednesday.
wednesday is her birthday... i should make her something.


I'm so tired.

i did an experiment on my own.
i stopped my nighttime narcolepsy meds...
my doctor said that my brain might rewire itself... and i've been on them for over 2 years, so i was hoping maybe something would have happened by now....
i don't think so.
it's been a couple weeks, and i can definitely tell a difference.
so.. i'm taking them again, starting tonight.
hopefully i'll sleep better and feel more awake in a few days.
we'll see.

maybe i shouldn't be experimenting with my meds like this...
but i'm curious.
and i'm nervous for when i have to come off of them (years from now when i have kids)
i know it's dumb to worry about that NOW, when it's going to be waay in the future... but i still think about these things.
maybe by THEN my brain will have rewired itself or something...
maybe.


nathan might be done with his anatomy exam... i guess i should go over that way and find him.

time machine

I really wish that I could fast forward time. I'm ready to be done with school. I'm ready for summer 2010.

face and ribs!

i got to do the facial dissection today!!!


i didn't finish it, but i got all of the skin peeled away, so all that is left is cleaning it up to see the muscles.
i even got around the eyes really well!
it was difficult because the skin is really thin, plus he was an old man so he had a lot of wrinkles. i kept cutting through the skin on accident, because i had to stay as superficial as possible.
i cut most of the nose off, too.
that was weird.
dr bee wasnt' around, so i didn't completely cut it off... i wanted to ask her opinion before i did anything more.


at one point today, the TAs outnumbered the students...
and their exam is next week.

i'm forecasting a very low average (except for Nathan, Brandon and Monica. and probably Steve and Maureen... but those two aren't in the friday class)
these students are annoying.
i hope next semester is better.
i know a lot of TAs are thinking about quitting... it gets frustrating trying to help them when they aren't willing to put forth any effort.
i'm not quitting. not until i have to (graduation). i want to dissect.

rib cages next saturday!
woo!

internships

i had a shift in mindset yesterday. i'm back to eating better.

i had a shakey week. there were days where i didn't eat anywhere near the amount i was supposed to... and then other days my exchanges were all off, even if i got enough total.
i think everything just got to me. and the fact i went 4 days without working out again didn't help.
but i'm back in the swing of things.
and it's weird, i have a feeling that now, my body will start responding.
i dont know why now is any different, but it just feels like it is.

i feel ready to take on the world


i'm excited for my internship, too.
which is 2 years away....
but i'm still excited about it. especially if I get accepted at st Johns. Brandon was telling me about it yesterday- thats where he did his internship and is working now- and you get a stipand and benefits and everything.
i'm hoping that there won't be as many applicants for that one, because it's still 11 months with lectures. beaumont just changed theirs and eliminated the lectures and cut it down to 6 months. i think more people will be likely to apply to beaumont instead of st johns... so maybe i'll have a better shot.
being done in 6 months would be nice--- but really- i think lectures would help me. i want to be absorbed into that environment and all of that knowledge. i want to feel prepared when i go to take the boards. and beaumont doesn't give any money. and-- i hate beaumont- from a patient point of view- so i would be okay not working there.


it's 2 years off but i'm already dreaming

already ready for bed

i'm exhausted.

i need to study biochem tonight. but i'm not sure if that's going to be possible.

going to study tomorrow with brandon, so that should help.

we FINALLY got our biochem exams back. i managed an 86%
seems low for the amount of work i put into it.
but... i can be okay with a B, i guess.
my goal, afterall, was simply to pass.

we already have another exam on the 13th.
and he says this one is the hardest of them all.
hence brandon and i are already studying.


no big news on the heart thing.
he didn't have the results of the heart monitor thing yet. but the ultrasound and bloodwork was fine.
there's a betablocker he wants me to try.
he said i could try coming off provigil. he didn't seem to understand that wasn't really an option at this point.
besides- i've been on that for over 2 years, why would it only now mess with things?
i don't know if i'm going to take this new stuff...
if my heart rate is simply fast, but my heart is normal, otherwise, then it can't be dangerous.
i'm sick of medication.
i really don't want another.

i'll think about it.

i probably won't take it, though.

.

i can't wait for today to be over.

blank

i need to write.

but i have no words.

out

i can't stand being home with both of my parents here.

i have to get out of here.

Dumb alarm.

so my alarm didn't go off this morning. so i missed biochem.
i called tess. she'll pick up the notes for me. she said he didn't have the tests to give back yet, so at least i didn't miss that.

i hate when things like this happen.

i guess i should be happy that i got a couple hours of extra sleep.
my body needs that right now.

...

I need to feel numb.

spiked

finally fell asleep around 3 and didn't wake up until my alarm went off at 9.
thank you, rozerem.

went to the gym today to get a workout with this stupid monitor on.
got my heart to spike to 186.

i can almost take this stupid thing off.
almost.

now i'm off to micro.
woohoo.

hurry up, morning

holy.cow.

anxious much?

i haven't been able to sleep well tonight.
have been in and out of sleep.

whenever i think about falling asleep it gets harder to breathe.

i woke up a few minutes ago, panicky.
i can't wait until the night is over and i can 'wake up'.
i thought it must at least be 4am.
i looked, and it was only 130.
i groaned.
i wanted to scream.

TONIGHT NEEDS TO END, NOW!

i needed to just get up.
i took rozerem.
i wanted to take more than one.
i'm so desperate to fall sound asleep so that i'm numb to everything

but i didnt- i only took one.
then quickly left my room so that i wouldn't be tempted.
i'll play freecell for awhile.
freecell is always relaxing to me.

oh my gosh
i'm shaking.
i feel like i'm going to throw up.
it seriously needs to be morning.
5 minutes ago.

not that i'll necessarily feel better in the morning, but at least i can get up and not think about sleeping.

i'm so tired.
i only got 3 hours of sleep last night.

i hate my body.
in every possible way.

my mind keeps screaming at me, "YOUR BODY DOESN'T DESERVE FOOD. DENY IT. DENY IT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!"

oh how i want to listen to that.

always tomorrow.

the whole scheduling thing isn't that big of a mess after all. i could just take mls 450 instead (an ethics class) but OU is brilliant and set it up so that only juniors can take it, not juniors and up. so i can't actually sign up for it.
but i see dr R tomorrow for micro, so i'll ask her what i should do. she'll sign me in to 450. i'm sure that won't be a problem.
it might be nice to get it out of the way.


i'm so tired.
not sure why i'm still awake.



i'm so itchy.
between the heart monitor starting to itch and the scabs being in that stupid itchy-healing phase.
i feel like i got attacked by mosquitos or something.


therapy was well timed tonight.
i didn't cry as much as i felt i needed to. in fact, i hardly did at all.
but... i just needed that today.
moods are still low.
cutting urges still really high. i didn't have anything with me today, though, so the fact i didn't cut isn't saying THAT much.
eating wasnt' the greatest today, either.
under with everything.

tomorrow is a new day, though.

maybe tomorrow will be brighter.

wired up

went to the dr today.
had an ekg, which was normal.
had an ultrasound of my heart, don't know what the results are.
and now im wired up to a 24 hr heart monitor.

i'm just paranoid that nothing is going to show up.
just like it was for years before my very first positive test result 2 years ago. (HLA-DQ6 gene!)

i know something is weird with my heart.

my heart rate got up to 182 earlier today during my workout.
i wasn't even sweating yet.

but, it'll just be my luck that my heart will be fine.



i just got an email from my prof about my parasitology class and lab for next semester.
MLS 335 Class Announcements,

1) If you are an MLS major, then you need to take MLS 335 and MLS 336 (Lab) together. If you have not signed up for a Lab section,
you need to do so quickly.

2) If your specialization is CLS, then you should be taking MLS 335 and MLS 336 during the Winter semester of your Senior year. If
you are only a Junior, you should drop the class and take it next Winter.

So... i am a senior, but i'm not in last year... but i'm not a junior.
and i'm following the course plan and it's saying in my junior year to take 335 and 336.

and i don't have the energy- mentally or emotionally or physically, for that matter (only 3 hours of sleep...), to figure out my entire schedule over again.

i hate scheduling.


i hate me, too.

done

the exam wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be.
there were still a lot i guessed on, but i knew the majority of it.
so that's good.

i have an appt. w. a dr tomorrow afternoon.
it's not my usual dr... he didn't have openings until november 11th.
so i have some other weird guy i haven't heard of...
hopefully he's okay.

i have an hour until my lab. and nothing to study.
i was going to go to the rec, but Dr R pulled me aside after the exam and told me i hadn't signed up for parasitology lab. It wasn't on the course plan, so i hadn't known about it.
so i'm in the health sciences computer lab, and i pulled up the list, and there are two sections of the lab- one is at 230 and one is at 4. I'm going to have immunology at 4, and there was only ONE spot left for the 230 lab.
THANK GOODNESS i got it before it was filled.
so i'm at full time without needing to TA for credit. that makes a lot more sense. i couldn't figure out why their course plan would only include 11 credits for a semester.

i'll just go to the rec after lab tonight.
i don't feel like doing that now.
watch- tonight we stay the entire 2 hours.
that would suck.


wow... this computer lab is 90 degrees or something.

my snack is in my car, along with my backpack and books and everything else.
so... i guess i'll go get that and then maybe start reading my new book.

heart

i am so screwed for my micro exam.
i should have studied more yesterday but i didn't have time.
i have 2 hours before i have to leave... but i need a break.

mom thinks i should go to the dr and get my heart checked out.
it's still being weird.
and when i workout-- it's annoying.
i'm ready to increase resistance and intensity with everything i'm currently doing. i'm strong enough to make things harder. but when i do, my heart rate goes up into the 170s and feels likes its going to explode, so i have to back off. so all of my workouts feel pointless. i have to stay at wimpy levels and wimpy speeds just to keep my heart rate in a somewhat normal range. so i don't get tired, or out of breath or sweaty, because i'm hardly doing anything.
i don't even try bike riding anymore. my heart rate always goes up to 175 just during a warmup.
even just walking up a flight of stairs, i get out of breath and my heart is pounding. seriously unnecessary.

it's annoying.
no wonder increasing the exercise isn't doing me any good, weight loss wise. i'm not even doing anything when i do exercise. i might as well just sit there.

i dont want to go to the dr though.
i'm sick of drs and appts.
and i dont want to be one of those people who run to the dr at any little sign or symptom of anything.

mom pointed out that it's been going on for a long time, though.

true.

i don't know.

why can't my body just cooperate with me?
why is there always a battle?

catch up

i need a weekend where I'm not doing anything.

i need a weekend so that i can catch up.

i don't foresee one coming up anytime soon...

one step back

since rozerem hasn't kicked in yet... i might as well write more.

I felt better today than yesterday- which was good because I was able to get really productive studying in. and because feeling like shit sucks, so it's nice to not feel that way.
but today still wasn't the greatest...

Yesterday was really rough.
Bad depression and anxiety again.
To the point where I ran to my room and curled up in a ball shaking and crying.
Ended up cutting. Which i'm not proud of, but I'm not beating myself up over it either. I did what I needed to do to get me through. It kind of worries me that I'm not more upset over that fact. I don't like that going to that option is all of a sudden okay to me again. I doubt it'll go back to the way it used to be years ago, but still, I seem to be closer to that mindset than a healthy one.
I also seem closer to the same moods as all those years ago. with the dark feelings and the anxiety attacks and everything popping up lately.

I have an appt. with dr H on Friday. I'm torn on what to tell her.
I don't want her to freak out about the "relapse" like she has in the past. I don't want her "don't cut yourself" lecture again. I don't want new meds. I don't want a change in meds. i'm sick of meds. completely sick of them, and i like that the ones i'm on don't have side effects and for the most part have kept me stable.
she's not one to push meds, either. at least not huge combinations of them. i'm on only one thing for the bipolar, and i like it that way. so does she.
So i don't know what to really say.
i'm sure i'll end up telling her everything, since i've been learning to be honest about everything.
i emailed lisa a couple days ago to tell her i haven't been doing as well as i was, to get some feedback of things i could maybe change to make it easier. she helps a lot. she's very supportive and not judgemental or anything. she thanked me for being honest with my struggles and so now i'm back to emailing her my food logs.


i feel so strange.
to be back to where i once was.
low moods, high anxiety, hard time eating, cutting.

i know i'm not all the way back to where i used to be.
i've made a lot of progress and i'm not going to let this derail me with anything.
but it still feels weird to fall this far backwards.

but at the same time, it doesn't feel weird.
it feels familiar.
i've been here before.
i know how it goes.

biochemistry...

I've been studying biochem all day. and all yesterday (as much as i could manage in the state of mind i was in...), and all last weekend and last week... etc.

This morning I woke up at 8 and did some things then started studying. i had my mom quiz me for 2 1/2 hours. then i went to the library and studied with Tess. i had microbio lecture, studied for 45 minutes, had microbio lab, came home, ate dinner, gave myself a 30 minute break then went up in my room and studied until 9. called Tess and we quized each other for another hour.

i know the things that i need to look over more. i have it narrowed down to what i don't fully know yet.

i'm afraid those few things are going to be what he asks us.

i have a few things that i'm PRAYING are his short answer questions. my luck, they won't be... but i'm hoping.

i'm going to get up around 6 to study because i'm all studied out tonight to go over the rest of what i need to go over.
i'm meeting up with Tess and Casey tomorrow at 8, and our exam is at 10.

-deep breath-

i feel more prepared than i did yesterday.
having mom and tess quiz me, and having to say things outloud makes a big difference.

there are a few things we think are mistakes in the notes our prof gave us. but he's out of town all week and we can't ask him because he won't be back until Monday.
great, right?


oh. and then i found out i have a micro exam on Monday.
and i haven't started studying for that yet because i've been ignoring everything that isn't biochem.
that's not good.

i hate not keeping up with things and studying at the last minute.
i normally don't do that- but for this micro exam... that's what it's going to end up being.

i need to go to bed. it's after midnight but my mind is racing.
i took rozerem a few minutes ago... i'm waiting for that to kick in...

hopefully soon.

crash

What's with these damn moods of mine?
Why do I have to wake up to darkness?
Why do the colors have to disappear?
Why does my heart beat out of my chest?
Why do I shake so badly?

Why do I crave pain?


I'm tired of feeling this way.
I'm tired of having things to do and not being able to muster up the strength to do them.
Just getting out of bed. Just getting dressed. Just doing any simple everyday task is so draining. I don't even want to leave the house. I need to. Eventually today, I need to. I have things to do. I'm an adult. I have responsibilities.

But all I feel capable of doing right now is crawling back into bed, pulling my blankets up over my head and crying until I fall back to sleep.
That, and maybe cutting first.

I hate feeling this way.
It makes me feel guilty.
I have no reason to feel this way.
None at all.

Except that my brain is retarded and likes to decide my moods for me.
stupid brain.
maybe i can trade brains with one from the lab.

No one would notice, right?




i hate today.

PPP

i rock at the pentose phosphate pathway.

take that, biochem!

too bad that's only 1 of 8 chapters...

Productive?

coffeeeeeeeeeee.

i'm waiting for it to kick in.
it might be a double provigil day.

i'm hoping on having a productive day.

decided to go to work before Mass, and then go to the 1:30 Mass.
Should get home by 3, and then I'll have the rest of the day to study.
probably won't get a workout in, but i guess that's okay... i've gotten in my time allowed for week. doesn't seem like enough to me. i need to email lisa again. maybe i'll do that this afternoon.


i'm getting frustrated with myself.


oh, the missing foot- dr Bee emailed me back and she took it. that made me feel better. i'm responsible for that foot- if it goes missing it's my problem to deal with. I don't like dealing with extra problems.
Especially since the anatomy lab is under a microscope right now because of the stupid new medical school OU is building.
lame.


Oook. time for work.
yuck.
i'm too tired still.



I hope biochem makes sense for me today.
the thing is- it makes sense- there is just way too much, and way too much detail.

but. that's science at a college level, what else should i expect?

feet

my foot (that i dissected- not one of the ones still attached to my leg) is traveling around Detroit now.

Dr bee showed it to orthopedic surgeons and some other doctors and students yesterday and they all went crazy about it. Especially over the bifurcate ligaments. They asked her if they could keep it for a week to show other people.



oddly, the other foot i started dissecting on Tuesday was missing from the lab today.
i have to email dr bee to see if she took that one along with the other.
it wouldn't make sense, since it wasn't done- but it's the only explanation i can come up with.

over

My exams for the week are over.
Microbio lab last night was pretty good. I was one of the first ones done, which made me nervous, but I was talking to someone today about it and we put the same answers on the tricky ones, so that's hopeful.
Then my exam in contemporary issues in health care class wasn't too bad. A few things I should have looked over more, but overall it was okay.

Now I'm just off to the gym, then studying biochem with Tess until yoga tonight at 7 (assuming that Lynne isn't still sick). Might help Nathan study for anatomy after yoga. Not sure yet.

Biochem... wow.
This exam is twice as hard as the first one. He warned as the beginning of the semester that the 2nd and 3rd exams are brutal.
It's a week from today.
He gave us a study guide today in class...
A tad overwhelming...


anxiety is less today.
moods are still low.
still don't know why.


I have a new song on repeat. Nathan got me into it the other day.
Fireworks at dawn by senses fail (lexie- check it out!)

I'm tired and my left leg still hurts. but it's time for the gym.

at least i'm here.

so aside from the exciting foot thing-

I'm not in a good place emotionally today.


was really anxious this morning in biochem.
and after biochem. and while walking to the lab.
about nothing.
it was just the damn useless anxiety attacks that keep popping up.
so i coped how i cope best.
i'm over it.

then i don't know- at the gym, then at work.
i just felt... off.
really low.

saw Susan tonight.
talked about a lot.

near the end she said something like, "so when your niece died, of course you'll be more sensitive to things"

i stopped breathing.
and started crying.

at first i pictured avery or natalie dying- shocked she said that.
then i realized she was talking about Casey's baby, Jamie.
I hadn't put it in those words yet.
punch in the gut.



i don't know.

life... it hurts.

And it's not just Jamie's death.
There's everything else on top of that.


but Susan also said, "well, hallelujah that you're alive to feel all that you feel- no matter how raw it might be at times."


i guess i'm not feeling too safe tonight.
i need to cut. more than the pitiful little scratches from earlier.


i can't stop shaking.

feet

Dr Bee was so impressed by my foot dissection today she said she wanted to keep this foot until she retires.



I got to lab around noon, and Nathan and I ate lunch in the office, then I got the foot out and started poking around trying to figure out what i was looking at. Nathan helped me get started- It was daunting trying to figure out where the bifurcate ligaments were going to be. and some around the ankle just didn't look like the book. Nathan left around 1. I kept working at it- Finally around 215 I decided I was going to start over on another foot, so I put the man's foot off to the side and found the saw and cut off one of the woman's feet. It seemed harder to do today. Maybe because I did it by myself- I don't know. I'm surprised old lady bones weren't easier to saw through.
By the time I emerged out of the storage room with my new foot, Dr Bee was there. So I went and showed her the man's foot, about to tell her how I think I messed something up.
She started raving! "Oh, it's perfect, it's better than I hoped for!" She recognized all of the ligaments I thought I had found, so sure enough I got them all correctly. She said she was going to keep this foot forever and show it to all her students.
i must admit- that felt pretty darn good.

then i told her i had already cut off another foot. she said that was fine. she got my book out and showed me some other ligaments to look for in this one. There's a ligament that attaches to one of the cuniforms and either the 1st or 2nd metatarsel (she couldn't remember which one) and if that gets severed then the whole foot basically collapses. So I'm going to look for that one in the new foot.
I worked on hers for about an hour. The skin and muscle is pretty much all gone. I was getting to the point where I have to distigush between what's left of the tendons and the ligaments, and I have to focus harder. I had already been in lab for 3 hours, so I packed everything up and left.

I'll work on it Friday.

Sweeeeet!

I GET TO DO A FACIAL DISSECTION ON MY OWN!!!

More dissecting

Yesterday morning when I got to lab, Dr Bee said she was looking at my neck dissection and was impressed by it. She asked me to do the man's anterior forearm for her. I had never done a forearm, but I went at it and got all of the muscles and nerves out really well. I asked if I could try the hand- for practice- and she said I could dissect anything I wanted to. So I did the hand, after helping Lindsay find the radial nerve under his tricep, and ended up finding a structure that Dr Bee said most PT students can never find. Dr Bee was so excited about it and made other TAs come and look.
She kept on saying I should for sure be a pathologist or a surgeon.
She said she need a foot dissected out, to the level of the ligaments. She said she can never do a very good job, but that I should try it. So inbetween the two labs we rolled the male body back into the storage room, got a saw, and with Nathan holding the leg still, I sawed off the mans foot right above the ankle.
Never thought I'd ever do that!
I brought the foot out to the lab on a tray. I got a few weird, curious looks.
I went in the corner and cut away the skin, and then each layer of muscle. I went through so many blades- and i felt bad but Dr Bee said not to worry about it. She said it was an advanced dissection and if I felt the blade becoming dull at all, to go change it for a new one.
Dr Bee said if I mess anything up, it's not a problem. "We have a lot of feet in here"
I worked on the foot for a couple hours before I found a few ligaments. But then I had to leave for yoga.
I have to run an open lab tomorrow- so hopefully I can get there a little early and pull the foot out again. Or if it's slow, I can leave the rest up to the other TAs there and work on it. She needs it done by Tuesday, which I should be able to do.

Yesterday was seriously one of the coolest days of my life.
Everyone kept on laughing at me- they said I looked like a kid in a toy store or something.
I"m going to ask Dr Bee for more things I can dissect. She said I could do whatever I wanted to practice on, but I feel weird not asking her first. I want to try the fingers, maybe the face. Some of the TAs tried the face last year and they couldn't do it. Maybe if I try on my own, I can. I guess because the facial muscles are so thin, they tend to peel away with the skin.
It might be weird to work on a face, though.
With a foot or an arm- I can stay detached.
but a face?
We'll see.

little things

i overreacted in that last post.
my thoughts are dumb.
but it's what was going through my mind at the moment so i'm not deleting it.


little things have just been piling up on top of me the last few days... more and more.
tension was rising inside of me.
and tonight, my dad was the straw that broke the camels back.


so it's okay.
it needed to happen.
i needed a good cry.

now hopefully i can sleep.

rain on my parade

I'm sick and tired of my dad always raining on my parade. I've been trying SO hard to talk to him more. Because so many times I'll tell mom something, and she'll end up mentioning it to him and he'll ask her "why didn't she ever tell me that?" and be all sad about it. Then mom tells me this, and I feel guilty, so I figure I'll grow up and actually talk to my dad.

But he keeps reminding me why I stopped talking to him in the first place.
He's so negative! Is he capable of being happy for me? Is he capable of being proud of me? So far I haven't had any indication of that. I seemingly have a very disappointing unfruitful life. Someone has the be the disappointment in the family, though, right?

Tonight wasn't even a big deal. It just set me off. Little things from him set me off. Why? Because I've let my guard down. Because I'm trying to be an adult with him. I'm trying to let him in. Because I'm going against what I've done since I was 14 by actually trying to talk to him.


When I got home tonight, he was on the computer, and before I went upstairs I thought I'd share with him my awesome and exciting news.

I WENT RUNNING TODAY!!!!!
and it didn't hurt and everything felt AMAZING.

I new better than to tell him how much (an hour, total. but 20 of those minutes were walking), but I told him how awesome it felt to finally run again.

without even looking up at me he said "now, did your doctor and your "treatment team" tell you could do that. or was this your doing?"

i just stammered something along the lines of "no one would tell me when I could run again, so i decided to try it out to see how it felt... and it was fine"

"oh", is all he said. disappointment was dripping from his voice.

i ran upstairs.

"was this your doing"

seriously?
I'm so sorry dad that I have been completely complient with EVERYTHING that was thrown at me at Rogers and from Lisa and everyone else since I've been home. Hardly any restricting, no purging, no over exercising. NOTHING. So I'm oh so sorry that i went ahead and did something that I've missed so much for an incredibly long time and have been refraining from even though it insanely hard to and i miss it and just... everything.

heaven forbid i test myself.
heaven forbid i do what i enjoy.
heaven forbid i'm not 100% responsible all the time.
sorry i'm 22 years old and follow pretty much every rule ever put upon me.
oh, but i went running without "permission"
how dare i?

Running today felt amazing.
Maybe 40 minutes was too much. But you know what? My body felt strong. I didn't feel like I was overdoing it. I was watching out for any tweak or twinge. anything evidence of pain. any hint that maybe something wasn't right. if i had noticed ANYTHING, i would have stopped, no questions asked.
i haven't felt this strong in a long time.
i've been taking my calcium.
i've been doing workouts to help strengthen my bones.

who can blame me for testing it?
NO ONE will give me an answer as to when i can run. no matter how many times i ask.
so screw them.
they don't know anymore than i do, apparently.
and i know more than them because i know what my body feels like.
i know when something isn't right.

the difference is- now I'll actually pay attention and respect that and stop what i'm doing if i need to.

so was 40 minutes too long my first time back?
maybe.
did i get injured?
no.
will i run again soon?
yes.
but do i know enough not to run again tomorrow?
of course.


my dad is annoying me, more than anything.
this was just one more snide remark he made about something postive.
will he ever be able to not be negative?
what will he say to me when i graduate from college?
what about when i get my first "real job"
what about when i get married?
in his eyes, will i do anything right?

it's like he hasn't gotten over my "dark years" yet.
like he still sees me as his silent daughter dressed mostly in black with cuts and scars and bruises running up each leg and each arm. he's still embarrased by me? i'm still that disappointment who was too "lazy" to get through highschool "on time". (his words to me when i graduated from highschool: "it's about time.".... gee- thanks).

i'm too sensitive.
it was just about running.
his words shouldn't matter.
but he's still my father, and i'm still waiting for him to say he's proud of me.
and i'm getting tired of trying to have him be part of my life and working hard not to shut him out- only to keep getting knocked down.

i wasn't negative when he became a deacon. decided to retire early. decided to write a book, go back to school for the one millionth time, get the sub-teaching job, etc.

but- i become secretary for golden key. or i finally go running. or don't do things in the same order as my siblings. or whatever else i've done that he doesn't approve of and well... i just get to continue in the role of being the disappointment.

it's a role i should just get used to.

old thoughts

it feels weird packing my food for the day now. i used to have it figured out- a good way to spread out the exchanges- but now that it's reduced again, that doesn't work like it did.
with less food- i feel like i'm getting away with something. it's exciting.

yesterday was the first time in a long time that i wanted to get rid of what i ate. even though it was less food than i've had to eat lately, i still just wanted it out of me. i wanted to be empty. i didn't do anything stupid. but i wanted to.

i've wanted to restrict lately, too. well, part of me always wants that, but it's been a stronger feeling. i don't know if it's because of my MP decrease? if i look at what it is and think "we decreased it this much, why not keep decreasing it?"
that's messed up. i know that. and i haven't restricted.
i just want to at times.


mom's home from Ryann's. i haven't seen her yet. she got in around 3am and is still sleeping.

i think we're getting our biochem exams back today.
i really don't even want to know.
but it'll be good to get it over with so that i can move on.
i'm determined to get an A on the next one.
i'm studying a lot more on the new material. i'm not letting myself get behind.
i have to be able to do something right.

Lost

casey called me tonight. left a message. she said "i have something to tell you. call me back"
but from the sound of her voice- it sounded positive.
the first thing i thought was "ah! Caseys' pregnant!"
so i wasn't expecting to hear what she told me when i called her back.
she had been pregnant... she lost the baby today.
i need to give her a hug. i hate seattle... too far away.
she said she had finally started relaxing about it- because she was 7 weeks along and she thought she was going to be fine.
Then she ended up needing to go to the ER this afternoon.
Oh, Casey.
I feel so bad for her and Robert. She sounded so sad.
I asked if she named the baby. She said they were still thinking of a good unisex name. I told her that I named Ryann's (Jordan Leigh), but I can't remember if I ever told Ryann that.

I can tell the tears are coming. But it hasn't fully hit me yet.
It's just so sad. That tiny little person, just trying to grow big and strong so that he could come out and play. It doesn't seem fair. So innocent and helpless. There's another soul in Heaven today. Maybe he found his cousin, Jordan, and they're playing together now.

ok. the tears aren't stuck anymore.

i need to give casey a hug.

new plans

I woke up at 8am so that I could go to 9am Mass. But then I started studying biochem and decided to study until the 11am Mass.
I got through the TCA cycle in biochem and it made sense, so I switched over to microbio. I then realized it was after 11, and so I missed 11am Mass.
Luckily, there is a 1:30 Mass I can go to.

It's 11:30 and I've been studying nonstop since I've woken up.
My head feels full but I still have a lot to do.
I'm okay with biochem right now- I'm caught up with the reading and studying my notes up to where we are at. I could read ahead, but I have other things to do.
I have a micro exam tomorrow, so I need to really focus on this.
I wrote up all of my notes for staphylococcus. I need to do strep now... but I'm losing steam.
I have to leave for Mass at 1.
after Mass, I'll go to work for a couple hours. I haven't made it there this weekend yet.

I'm meeting up with Nathan, Jessica and Jakob at 6:30 for dinner.
after that, Nathan is coming over to my house to study, and if we have time, to practice yoga for a while.



I met with my dietician yesterday.
My weight hasn't changed (i still don't know the number)
so my MP is reduced AGAIN and my exercise is increased AGAIN.
how is my metabolism STILL dead?
she said some might be muscle, so to pay attention to how my clothes fit.
there hasn't been much change.
Nathan swears I'm smaller but I'm not. I can tell.
I'm going to try EXTERMELY hard to do exactly everything right. no slips whatsoever. i know I can't be that hard on myself- but i have to try. overall, i've been doing really well. but i could always do better. i need to do better.
I see Lisa again in a month.
I better have lost some weight.
this is getting really frustrating.


Okay... I'll study strep until noon. then I'll shower, and study until I have to leave.
That should work.

Another dissection.

Apparently, I'm an "expert" on dissecting the anterior neck? ha.

Last Friday, we had a dissection, and out of all 20 TAs, only Natalie and I showed up to do it. Which was fine.
We did a really good job, if I do say so myself. The back looked amazing and we found all of the neck structures and cleaned it up really well.

So then the sub- teacher on Thursday decides to flip the male cadaver onto his stomach and do a laminectomy. Um... okay. The spinal cord looks cool and all, but we did the ant. neck dissection on the male because he's the supine body for the semester... I guess Chris changed that.
Well, then we didn't have a supine body or a neck to see, so Dr. Bee this morning asked me to flip over the female cadaver and do that for her.
So the beautiful back muscles that we dissected out on Friday are now hidden because the female prone body is now supine.
I didn't complain. I got to dissect again, so fine.
Miguel said he would help me and I start right in, showing him where to cut and how far behind the ear to go. He'd never done this part of the body before. A few students start watching, which was weird because normally the TAs do the dissecting outside of the class period. I knew what I was doing, and what I was looking for because I had just done it a week ago, so I was moving pretty quickly. Kids were like "wow, you don't mess around!"
I found the common carotid a. and internal jugular v. and then CN X (vagus nerve) before Miguel was done with the sternoclidomastoid. He was having trouble finding the vessels and was afraid of cutting them so he had me do his side, too. he said, "andi, i need your expertise over here".
I showed students the submandibular gland as I cut it away, because we didn't need to keep it and they don't actually need to know about it. but i think it looks and feels cool, so i passed it around.
I cut down to the layrnx so they can see that. We ran out of blades though, and mine was so dull that it could be cleaned up a lot better, so hopefully we'll get new blades soon and i can do that next week.

Dr. Bee came over to see what I'd done and so did Dr. Forbes (who is the head of the bio department? i'm not really sure). she was pleased and dr forbes seemed impressed with my work.

i asked dr bee what she wanted to do about erector spinae and multifidus and splenius, etc. she said to try to get them out on the male body.
WHAT A MESS THAT WAS.
Chris destroyed so much muscle doing the laminectimy. splenius was shreaded, so was spinalis (which is understandable). but i couldn't even really get longissimus either. which is retarded. iliocostalis was okay, but that's all i could salvage.
So i reflected what was left of latissmus dorsi back and pulled the scapula more off to the side so that the students can see seratus anterior attaching at the medial border of the scapula, which looks cool.

so anyway.
last Friday's dissection was a waste of time (aside from the fact i had fun and learned more technique). but none of work is even being used and the students won't even be learning the back muscles on the bodies anymore because Chris went ahead and messed everything up.

but i really enjoyed myself today.
and it felt good to really know what i was doing and feel comfortable dissecting.
typically i'm unsure of myself and get scared. but not today.

i couldn't stop smiling afterwards.
nathan just laughed at me.

change in focus

I almost fell asleep in microbio today... oops.
I've never fallen asleep in a class before.
In between lecture and lab I went to the library and found an empty study room and turned the lights off and put my head down for 20 minutes. I don't think I fell asleep, but it helped to just lay there with my eyes closed.

i was okay during the lab.
the lab was really neat.
all of my streaking of the cultures are turning out really well. all of the tests i ran worked.

i don't like waking up at 5:30. especially when i was up super late because I started reading Breaking Dawn.

the morgue today was neat.
but that's the thing- that's all it was.
i didn't feel a tug or a drive in me screaming "that's what you're going to end up doing!!!" like i have previously.
i've been praying about this a lot. whether or not i should stop after my medical lab science degree, do an internship and then work, instead of going into grad school for pathology.
and today seemed to give me an answer.
yes, i find it fascinating, and that's great. but maybe it's not for me afterall.

and it got me thinking- maybe the reason why i was so attracted to pathology and so sure of myself was so that i'd switch my undergrad degree to MLS. because now that i'm in MLS, i don't know why i didn't think of doing this before. i really like it. i love my classes (except biochem...). i love my lab right now. working with bacteria and running tests and doing real med lab things.
i wouldn't have gone into this had it not been my interest in pathology.
and so now that i'm hooked on MLS, i guess thats why my desire to be an APA has diminshed.

would being an APA be awesome? yeah.
but so would working in a lab.

i'm not upset by my new realizations, either.
which is comforting.
i dont feel like i'm giving up on my dream just because of the list of reasons i've made lately against me being an APA.
i just feel like my dream has shifted.

which is okay.

Big news

Joseph got the job! Ryann is moving back to Michigan by December!!!!
I can't even believe it?!
The luck to get an engineering job in Michigan right now? Seriously? AWESOME!

I'm now the secretary of OU's chapter of Golden Key Internation Honor Society. Ha.
I got home and told dad and he said "why would you volunteer for that?"
Gee, thanks dad.


I had a biochem exam this morning.
It wasn't good.
I'm not happy with myself right now.

I need to go to work.
But I want to curl up under my feather comforter and read Eclipse instead.


I'm going to the morgue tomorrow with the MLS society!
awesome.
i'm excited even though this is my 3rd time going.
crummy thing is- i have to leave my house by 6am.
Yuck.

Honestly, I'm not morbid!

what i have checked out from the library right now:

-Stiff : the curious lives of human cadavers
-Body of work : meditations on mortality from the human anatomy lab
-Postmortem
-Death's acre : inside the legendary forensic lab the Body Farm where the dead do tell tales




i wonder what the librarians think of me...

body farm

the body farm is a place where they study the decomposition of humans.
its at the university of tennessee.

and i want to work there.

http://video.nationalgeographic.com/video/player/science/health-human-body-sci/human-body/body-farm-sci.html

calmer

i'm doing a lot better than i was yesterday morning.
wine making was fun. and kims party was fun.

i ran into an old friend, mike, today after Mass. talked tohim for a long time. it was good to catch up.
went to work, got A LOT done. so i feel a lot better about that.

tess and i decided not to go to hte library today. we're going to study on our own and meet up before the exam tuesday morning instead.
so i'm home now and just have to study.
so it's good.

just talked to katie for the first time in forever.
a lot of shitty stuff is happening with her right now, but she sounds like she's handling it well. it was good to hear from her.

i'm going to go read a chapter of eclipse (it came in the mail yesterday!!!) then shower, then study and have nathan come over.


i'm finally not as stressed out as i was.
i still feel like i'm going 100 miles an hour, though.

no time for myself

i'm stressing out big time right now.
i need way more hours in a day.
i need today to not be winemaking and kims bonefire.

i need to study. i need to go to work. for a long time.

i was going to go to work yesterday right after dissection. i figured i could leave early.
me and natalie were the only ones there. out of the 20ish of us, only we showed up. so we did the entire dissection on both cadavers by ourselves. which was fun. i got to talk to natalie a lot and she showed me some good techniques to use and how to dissect out veins and arteries and whatnot, so it was neat. but i didn't end up getting to work until almost 7, and they close at 8. so you can imagine how productive THAT was.
then i had to come home and make a batch of cookies for mom. so inbetween batches i studied biochem, but every 15 minutes i had to get up and switch it and ugh.
so i was done around 11.

so then today i wake up and get out of the shower and mom asks me to help her clean. UGH. so i do then i try to study but now i have to go get ready becuase i have to go pick up nathan at his house since i'm doing all of the driving today in case he drinks too much.

drinking is annoying.

but whatever.

so i studied all of 45 minutes this morning.

people are coming over at 11 to make wine.
this is an all day thing.
then kims bonfire tonight.

then tomorrow i'll probably drag myself out of bed to go to 7am mass, go straight to work for 4 or 5 hours, come home, study, go to the library, study with Tess, MAYBE go to the gym- unlikely, then go home and study with nathan.


anyway. i need to go get ready.
i'm freaking out.
i dont have enough time to fit in work and all of this studying.
i thought i could work all day on tuesday, but i have a Goldey Key meeting from 4-5, which means i can't possibly get to work until 530 at the earliest, which is NOT enough time. and i can't go wednesday morning because i'm going to the morgue again with the MLS society.

- breathes-

i need life to stop for one day so that i can get caught up.

i need people to stop needing things of me so that i can do what i need to do.


i need more hours in a day or more days in the week.
something.
anything.

jumping on the bandwagon

1. What time did you get up this morning?
8am

2. Diamonds or pearls?
not a huge fan of either. i guess diamonds, but nothing over the top. i'm very very simple when it comes to that.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Wall-e with my mom.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
House, and all of the medical/tramua/er shows.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
enough exchanges to get me though until lunch.

7. What food do you dislike?
now that i realized i'm lactose intolerant (hence the majority of my stomach pain), i dislike cheese and milk. i won't eat olives, mustard or ketchup.

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
saosin.

9. What kind of car do you drive?
saturn

10. Favorite sandwich?
ham.

11. What characteristics do you despise?
lying and laziness

12. Favorite piece of clothing?
any one of my hoodies

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
ireland.

14. Are you an organized person?
yes. looking at my room, it wouldn't seem like it, but it's an organized mess at the moment. i can't function if things aren't in order.

15. Where would you retire to?
can i graduate first? i dont think i'd move, though. i want to stay near my family, so whereever i end up relocating is where i'll stay.

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
i guess my 21st, not because i got wasted and partied all night (i couldn't even imagine doing that), but because everyone was home and they threw a surprise birthday party for me.

17. What are you going to do when you finish this?
i'm waiting for Nathan to get off of work (at 10) so i can talk to him and figure out what we're doing tomorrow. then i'm reading New Moon until I fall asleep. I took rozerem an hour ago, so it won't be long.

18. Furthest place you are sending this?
no where

19. Person you expect to send it back first?
?

20. When is your birthday?
9-9-86

21. Morning person or a night person?
i guess night, since i can't sleep.

22. What is your shoe size?
9

23. Pets?
none anymore

24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
my niece is reading at the 2nd grade level... and she's only 4!!!

25. What did you want to be when you were little?
a marine biologist, a physical therapist, NASA, a nun, a history teacher, a taxi driver, working at fretter (because "fretter is better!"), cardiologist, medical technition, pathologist

26. How are you today?
okay. overwhelmed with biochem, and feeling anxious about school and being behind at work due to my cold.

27. What is your favorite flower?
daisies and sunflowers.

28. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
nothing major in the near future. i'm looking forward to my graduation day, which is may 1, 2010. i also am looking forward to nathan and my wedding day... sometime in two summers.

29. What are you listening to right now?
nothing

30. What was the last thing you ate?
brusslesprouts.

31. Do you wish on stars?
no

32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
burgandy

33. How is the weather right now?
about 60. no wind.

34. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
nathan

35. Favorite soft drink?
haven't drank any in a long time. i used to drink diet pepsi, but only because of the caffeine, not because i liked it.

36. Favorite restaurant?
tomato head in knoxville tennessee is really good.

37. Hair color?
red brown.

38. What was your favorite toy as a child?
my doll from germany, Inga.

39. Summer or Winter?
fall.

41. Chocolate or Vanilla?
depends on what it is.

42. Coffee or tea?
coffee. i don't drink very much anymore.

43. Do you want your friends to email you back?
sure

44. When was the last time you cried?
last tuesday? maybe more recent than that, but tuesday for sure.

45. What is under your bed?
a box of textbooks, half of my trundle bed (i have it sticking out sideways so i can sit on it).

46. What did you do last night?
was in lab, got to pipette (my favorite thing ever). tried to study but ended up talking w. mom for a couple hours.

48. Salty or sweet?
salty. i always crave salt.

49. How many keys on your key ring?
3. my car, the house and work.

50. How many years at your current job?
almost 3.

51. Favorite day of the week?
fridays? i dont know.

52. Do you make friends easily?
I make acquaintances easily. Friends are harder to come by.

53. How many people will you send this to?
N/A

54. How many will respond?


55. Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends?
yeah

Cutting back

Stupid cold. Knocked me on my butt all of Sunday and pretty much Monday. Today I'm doing better. No fever and my nose isn't as drippy. I didn't take sudefed, so I'm not so spaced out that I can't think or shouldn't drive (even though I had to drive yesterday... that was interesting).
I had these big plans to study biochem all weekend. That went out the window.
I studied today after class with Tess, Brandon, Casey and Dan. That helped.
Biochem is hard. and really confusing. and from the sound of it- his tests aren't easy.
I'm pretty nervous.

I wanted to go the gym today after studying with them. I had my clothes and stuff for it... but I drove past it instead. Unheard of, before. But I"m not fully over this cold, and I have so much to do. If I get enough done today, and recover more from being sick, then tomorrow and Thursday I'll be able to get in good workouts. So... I have to remind myself that it's okay.

Tonight is part one of winemaking. Saturday is the pressing. I love winemaking, but I kind of want this week to study, not worry about winemaking. I'll probably go to work tonight instead of helping out and hanging out with the gang. I don't have time right now.
I'm dreadfully behind at work, too, because I had planned on working Sunday and Monday- but those days I was on the couch do nothing but staring at nothing. I couldn't even focus enough to read Twilight- which is saying a lot. Going to work was out of the question.
So now I have to squeeze that in sometime this week, too.

I'm not stressed, though.
right?

i'm glad i dropped pathology.
i mean- i'm still angry about it, but i would be even more behind in things and freaking out even more.
at least now, i know it's doable, it'll just be a lot of time involved.
with patho- i dont know how i could do it.

Sick

I don't know where I got this cold from.
No one I know is sick.
I thought it was allergies. But now it's obvious that it isn't.
I didn't feel sick at all yesterday. Just my nose was runny, but it was clear, and i was outside for awhile, and it's allergy season, so I didn't think anything of it.
Overnight it turned green and gross and my throat started hurting worse and I got a fever and the whole works.
Out of nowhere. no one here is sick.
I don't think I picked up a bacteria from lab last week.
I should look up the incubation times on all of the bacteria we work with...
wouldn't that be great?

I don't want a bandaid

so that exam yesterday was stupidly easy. i was done in 15 minutes and took another 5 to go through the whole thing again to check my answers. it was so general and broad. i did not have to study as much as i did. huh, funny- i thought a 400 level microbio class would be... a challenge? i'm glad that it was easy- i confident i got an A, but i'm mad that it was easy. it means my extra effort didn't even count for anything. someone who rolled out of bed late could have looked over the notes briefly and done just fine. i know that knowledge isn't a waste- but at the cost of my sanity...?
at least i know microbio won't be as insane as i thought. i'm sure it'll get more difficult as we progress, but her tests aren't horrible.

biochem, on the other hand...

ugh. that class makes me want to curl up and cry. so i'll avoid that topic for now.


had yoga again tonight. i felt really good afterwards. really loose and open and i didn't feel sad today. i felt free, almost.

i think i'm lactose intolerant again.
i went back and forth with it when i was younger. then for so long i didn't eat much of... anything, but hardly any dairy, and then when i did start eating, my stomach was so messed up in general, i couldn't tell if anything in particular made it worse. but today at lunch, i ate my sandwich and was fine, then had string cheese and my stomach bothered me all afternoon after that. it's not the first time i've noticed that happening. cottage cheese doesn't seem to bother me- it never did before- and i've heard that's easier to digest and doesn't give many lactose intolerant people trouble, so that isn't anything to go by. and i still don't drink milk- aside from the smallest of splash i'm willing to put on my cereal just to get it wet. so that isn' tmuch to go by either.

it seems weird to me, though, that i'd go back and forth with the lactose intolerance. you'd think that i either was, or wasn't.
but since middle school, it was always off and on.
i'm going to avoid cheese for awhile and see if i notice a change.
i wonder if i should avoid cottage cheese, too, just in case... but that's such an easy way to get my protein exchanges in, it's a shame to get rid of that option.


oh!
nathan's sister, bethany, finally cut and dyed my hair last night!! it's just below my shoulders, with lots of layers, and it's a dark reddish brown. i love it! it's so much shorter than i thought she'd take it, and it's weird to not have long hair going half way down my back, but i really like how it turned out.


i took rozerem tonight, since i have to wake up at 6am. i didn't take anything last night and was awake until 4am.
i'm getting really really annoyed with having to take meds to sleep.
i'm tired of taking meds. i really am.
i wish i could get off them all.
but seriously- this sleep thing has got to get resolved.
something has to be able to fix me.
i want it fixed- not just treated and covered up.
how come everything that's wrong with me isn't curable... just treatable.
i dont want to be on treatment until i die.
i'm determined to get off meds sooner or later.
i'll need to when i have kids.
that scares me..

anyway, the point of that ramble was to say that the rozerem is kicking in, and so i'm off to bed.

Ready or not

got up this morning at 8 and studied until 1030. got ready to go, went to yoga. had a good practice (lynne's class!).
after yoga, i decided not to workout and study at the same time, like i had planned. i figured i'd have a half-ass workout and half-ass studying that way. i went to the library and studied more and had lunch. no workout today. which sucks.
the exam is in an hour. i needed a break.
it's not that it's difficult, it's just a lot of memorizing. i should have studied more when Casey was home. but between that and my downshift of mood that week/weekend, that didn't happen. so of course, here i am, scrambling to catch up in time.
i won't let myself do this again.
i hate feeling unprepared.

this always happens though- i doubt my readiness for an exam, and then end up being fine.
but just because it's happened in the past, doesn't mean that it will happen again today. i can't say "i always pull it off" and relax about it, because then i won't pull it off.
the problem with this is, i never know actually how much i needed to study and how much extra time and stress i waste on it.
how do i ever know when it's enough?
will i remember that aminoglycosides irreversibly attach to the 30s subunit on the ribosome and cause it to missread the mRNA or stop the reading all together, and that it works on gram negative rods? will i remember nalidix acid works on gram negive bacteria, or that levifloxacin works on gram pos. aerobes? or that vancomycin is a large glycopeptide that is too large to work on gram negitives because of their LPS (lipopolysaccharide), but works on gram positives because they dont have LPS?
do i only remember this because that was the last thing i looked at?
will i remember in an hour?



anyway.
i left yoga feeling... sad.
i can't explain it.
i guess i don't have time to explain it. i have to leave the library in 40 minutes.
it's bacteria time.

exam time

ok. so i'm glad that i still see susan. there's a point, now.
i cried a lot in there today, towards the end.
mom had left a voicemail while i was in there, so i called her back as i was driving to work.
she asked if i was getting sick or had allergies because i sounded 'plugged up'. i told her the truth- that i was crying. that i'm struggling.
amazing, eh?
i'll write more on that later. i don't feel like doing that right now.

so i had biochem this morning. went the gym (and studied while on the arc trainer), session w. susan, work.
after dinner i started studying microbio again. took a break to reread twilight- allowed myself one chapter. went back to studying. watched the new House, and continued to study. read another twilight chapter. studied.
i'm studied out, and i'm calling it quits for tonight.
i'm too tired for anything to sink in, at this point.
i'll get up early and study before yoga, study at the gym, and study while eating lunch. then take the exam at 3:15.
i've never had this professor before, so i don't know what to expect from her exams.
and there is A LOT of material. One chapter alone has a lot of detail- a lot about different bacteria, and different antimicrobials/ antibiotics, and which work on what type and doesn't work on others. gram pos, gram neg, broad spectrum, acid-fast. etc. and which antibiotics damage cell wall synthesis, or protein synthesis, or nucleic synthesis, or other such things.
and that is only ONE chapter of the EIGHT that will be on the exam tomorrow.
granted, a couple are easy, like the intro chapters, but still.
i hate exams.

took benadryll tonight. took it last night, too. i don't want to risk getting used to rozerem (even though they claim that isn't possible), so i thought i'd switch it up. i dont want to take it every night anyway, and i haven't been, but i didn't want to take it tonight, either.

my dad is on facebook. that amuses me.

I might as well go upstairs and read twilight until i fall asleep. nathan isn't online, so there isn't much point in me staying online once i'm done writing.

When

I'm so tired of working so hard for what seems like nothing.

I wonder how long I can handle this for.

When will I finally say "screw it, their way isn't working" and go back to my way?

Will I?

I don't know how much more I can take.

Escaping

Ugh. This again. 3:30am. and I have to wake up in 4 hours.
I'm noticing a pattern, though. I should bring this up w. dr heniki next time I see her.
Which reminds me- I need to make an appointment after canceling the one I had on Friday.

I hate 3:30am.
I already finished New Moon. I could start rereading Twilight...
I have a better idea... I could FALL ASLEEP.

I'm tired. But my mind won't turn off.
If only I were manic, then I could be productive with my time awake.
Unfortunatly, I'm not lucky enough for that to happen.
Why do my meds do such a good job at keeping mania away, but not depression?
That hardly seems fair.

I feel pretty pathetic- how upset dropping a class makes me.
It's a class that I don't even need.
Am I seriously that nerdy?
It's just that it's a class I wanted and looked forward to.
It's just disappointing.
I'll get over it.

I need to get interested in biochem.
I can't let myself fall behind.
Maybe when my mood swings back up a little.
If my prediction is correct, this should only last a couple more days.
I'm trying not to think about that, though- I don't want a placebo effect or anything.

There's a lady at the gym that isn't... healthy.
It's easy to see in other people, what I see in myself.

I'm running out of things to say.
I guess I could try to go to bed again.

Tomorrow I'm going to lab for a couple hours, even though I'm not schedule to TA.
They'll be short-staffed, I'm sure. I don't mind helping out.
If it's slow, I'll study in the office until Nathan's done in lab.

I read New Moon in a day and a half.
Funny, i have other books to read, but they don't suck me in like this series does.
I've needed a good series to get into again.
It used to be Dragonlance. Before that- Harry Potter.
I should read Dragonlance again.
Steph still has my book, I think. The first one in the series.
I should order that from the library.
It'll be good- I won't get as sucked in as I did the first time, since I'll remember what happens. But I need a book to read when I can't study and can't sit still and do anything else.
I need that fantasy world to escape into when I need a time-out in life.

What I need is the ability to fall asleep.