old thoughts

it feels weird packing my food for the day now. i used to have it figured out- a good way to spread out the exchanges- but now that it's reduced again, that doesn't work like it did.
with less food- i feel like i'm getting away with something. it's exciting.

yesterday was the first time in a long time that i wanted to get rid of what i ate. even though it was less food than i've had to eat lately, i still just wanted it out of me. i wanted to be empty. i didn't do anything stupid. but i wanted to.

i've wanted to restrict lately, too. well, part of me always wants that, but it's been a stronger feeling. i don't know if it's because of my MP decrease? if i look at what it is and think "we decreased it this much, why not keep decreasing it?"
that's messed up. i know that. and i haven't restricted.
i just want to at times.


mom's home from Ryann's. i haven't seen her yet. she got in around 3am and is still sleeping.

i think we're getting our biochem exams back today.
i really don't even want to know.
but it'll be good to get it over with so that i can move on.
i'm determined to get an A on the next one.
i'm studying a lot more on the new material. i'm not letting myself get behind.
i have to be able to do something right.