at least i'm here.

so aside from the exciting foot thing-

I'm not in a good place emotionally today.


was really anxious this morning in biochem.
and after biochem. and while walking to the lab.
about nothing.
it was just the damn useless anxiety attacks that keep popping up.
so i coped how i cope best.
i'm over it.

then i don't know- at the gym, then at work.
i just felt... off.
really low.

saw Susan tonight.
talked about a lot.

near the end she said something like, "so when your niece died, of course you'll be more sensitive to things"

i stopped breathing.
and started crying.

at first i pictured avery or natalie dying- shocked she said that.
then i realized she was talking about Casey's baby, Jamie.
I hadn't put it in those words yet.
punch in the gut.



i don't know.

life... it hurts.

And it's not just Jamie's death.
There's everything else on top of that.


but Susan also said, "well, hallelujah that you're alive to feel all that you feel- no matter how raw it might be at times."


i guess i'm not feeling too safe tonight.
i need to cut. more than the pitiful little scratches from earlier.


i can't stop shaking.