crazy.

it just dawned on me.

i got through all of that without hurting myself in any way.
i didn't cut, i didn't restrict, i didn't purge, hell- i didn't even exercise for 3 days.

i just let myself feel it. no matter how raw and painful it got.

i used my voice.

i waited for it to pass.

and it did.

finished

i finished my paper last night. It's 7 pages, 8 1/2 if you count the reference page, which i think i can do.
had dad and nathan proofread it for me.
finished the reference list this morning and poof! a paper all about streptococcus agalactiae.

i just have micro lecture and lab tonight. neither should be too bad.
hopefully i can identify another bacteria today in lab with my unknowns. i identified two on monday. I had haemophilius influenzae and staph. saprophyticus. i have a psuedomonas, but i have to wait for some of the biochemical tests to come back before i can officially say that.

jessica is going to spend the night tonight.

then i'm going to yoga in the morning with Nathan.
then to his grandparents house for Thanksgiving.

just finished making a batch of pumpkin bread to take over there.
the house smells good.

talked to ryann for over an hour this morning.
working on getting the house for sale!

anxiety has lessened.

i have no idea what was up with those few days.
I hope that's over and done with.

yesterday i was able to take my time and write the paper without stressing myself out too much.
i could actualy focus and write a logical sentence... so that was good.


i could have made it to yoga today- Lynnes class- but i was talking to Ryann and making bread so now i won't be able to make it on time. at least i'll be able to workout today, though.
going 3 days without it sucks.

Drained

I don't know what to do today.
I just got out of biochem, so I either go to the rec and workout, or I go home and start working on the paper right away.
I haven't exercised in 2 days, so skipping today makes day #3.
That doesn't sit well with me.

But I'm so tired.
I've slept so much the last 3 days, though, so this is stupid.
I slept most of Sunday because of the ativan. Then I slept in on Monday, so I got about 9 hours of sleep.
I fell asleep on the couch last night after micro- again while Nathan was over... i felt bad about that.
I went to bed at 10, as soon as he left, and woke up at 730. So another 9+ hours of sleep there.
and yet it feels like i haven't slept in days.
i keep yawning and don't feel like moving, and exercising right now does not sound appealing, even though i really need to do something.

The tiredness is probably from the anxiety. That's the only thing I can think of.
plus i'm afraid to drink too much coffee because i don't want to get shakey--- i don't want to feel anything that is similar to anxiety right now. i can't handle that. i still feel too fragile and vunerable.

i talked to my micro prof last night- told her about the panic attack and the anxiety- how i had to have Nathan drive me to and from campus because i was in no condition to be driving. i told her i had a good chunck of the paper done, and it wasn't like i had been procrastinating and just trying to buy extra time- but that i had planned on working on it more this weekend and yesterday, and the anxiety and panic attacks came unexpectedly and screwed up that plan.
she said "well, see what you can do and let me know Wednesday how it went. it's that time of year- with finals- you're probably bring a lot of the anxiety upon yourself."

uhh.. okay, that doesn't help me at all.
For one thing, i'm not stressed about school right now. aside from this paper, i dont have anything to do until my 3 finals that a few weeks away.
And then- what if i dont' have it completed by wednesday and she decides she doesn't care, and then i get screwed over.

not helpful at all.

im going to try to get it done tonight.
i had told dad i'd email him my paper monday night- well, that didn't happen
he called to see if i had sent it and it didn't go through- so i called him back and said i'd try to send it tonight.

i guess i'll skip the gym... again.
i hate that. i really do.
but i really need to finish the paper tonight, so that in the morning i can do finishing touches on it, and i dont have to worry about dad or my prof's reactions to not having it done.

i have all day.
it's only noon.
if i go home now, i'll be home by 12:45. i can eat lunch, and then get started on it. take breaks when i need to. make sure i stay calm.
my brain typically starts shutting off around 10pm, so that gives me a lot of time to work on it.
i should be okay.


i can do this
i can do this
i can do this.


anxiety levels aren't as high today.
it's just the exhaustion i'm fighting.
hopefully the anxiety stays away and lets me finish this damn thing.

i am shakey.
i'm telling myself it's coffee and provigil.

i'm not anxious...
got that, body?
now- stay that way.

panic

i'm not okay today.

i slept most of yesterday, due to the ativan.

i woke up, still anxious.

ive been working on my paper, i have 3 pages done, and a few more ideas of what to write about.

but it's hard to focus on that when i'm freaking out and shaking and bursting into tears for no reason.

i want to take more ativan, to sleep this off.
but i can't.
i'm already skipping micro lecture. i should have already left for class, but i can't. theres no way.
i have lab at 5, and i can't miss that. we're doing our unknowns, and i can't afford to miss a lab right now.
so i have until 4:15 to stop freaking out enough to be able to drive and functon around people.


i'm going to have to talk to prof W about getting the notes from lecture today. i'll probably tell her i wasn't feeling well enough to make it. which is true.
i'm debating on whether or not to tell her i've been on the brink of a panic attack and haven't been able to focus to work on the paper.
to see if i can turn it in after thanksgiving.
i doubt she'll let me, but it's worth a shot?
i have a good chunk done, and i'll tell her that. say ive been working on it and it isn't procrastionation that's causing me to need more time, but the fact that i can't think straight because my mind has been in panic mode for the last two days and i dont know when it'll stop.

i dont know.

i can't take this.

i wish i wasn't home alone.
i wish mom was here.
somebody.
i'd even take dad, at this point.

i just can't handle this.
i'm shaking so badly
and crying.
and freaking out.

i shouldn't be alone right now.

i hope i can drive later.
and i hope that i can funciton in lab, and make sense of things and not ruin my unknowns because i'm too out of it to think straight.



i seriously can't take this anymore.

i called susan but she didn't answer, either.
must be in with someone else.


i dont even know what to do with myself.
i seriously want to take ativan again, but i really can't.
i HAVE to make it to lab tonight.
i have no choice.


i have no idea what to do.

no idea.

no fucking idea.

i can't make this stop.

i can't stop crying.
i can't stop shaking.
i can't stop panicking.


i can't take this anymore.

dazed

i actually took ativan this morning.


two, actually.

very unlike me.

but the panic...

i'm so dazed right now.
everything im doing is confusing to me.
like logging into blogger.
and writing this entry.
trying to figure out what to eat.

i dont know how long this takes to wear off.
i never take ativan.
i had it one time at rogers, but before then? i dont know.


im afraid of it wearing off.
what will happen?
will only the cloudyiness and confusion wear off
or will the panic come back, too?

i dont want the panic to come back

please
dont let that come back.


nathan isn't answering his phone.
should his church service be lasting longer than 3 hours?
i'm really confused.

my parents have already left for Seattle

so. i'm home alone for 8 days.
that's JUST wnat i need right now.

thank you for that lovely timing.

down

.



moods are crashing.



wait, present tense? i think they're done crashing. i think they've officially crashed.



now i'm here among the reckage looking for any glimpse of life.





not seeing any.






when will the darkness end?


.

Borrowed.

I have 36 gallstones in my purse right now.

One is larger than a peanut M&M.

They're from an old man I never met, yet know really well.

I have to give them back on Sunday, but until then... this is really cool.

sweet

i am completely kicking biochem's ass!!!!

i got a 110% on the exam


how is that even possible?!?!!

i'm so excited.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

BEN GET'S TO COME ON HOME IN JANUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cram

microbiology exam in 45 minutes.

i don't feel prepared, but i keep telling myself that her tests aren't that difficult. it's just multiple choice. i should be able to recognize enough things.



i emailed lisa the link to the online food and exercise log today. i think this will help. i'm feeling good about making progress, now.


the last 3 days, i've done well... so hopefully i can keep it up.


i need to go cram some more with what little time i have left, but i'm really sick of reading about bacteria.
it's a good thing I didn't bring Eclipse with me... haha. I'm almost done with it... again.

ok. 30 more minutes of cramming in the library and then i'll head over to class.

then i don't have any more exams until finals week!!!

awesome.
i like that this semester is almost over.
i've liked this semester... but still... i'm glad it's almost over.

last dissection

Sunday already? Seriously?

The exam on Thursday went pretty well. I think the difference was in the studying. I didn't necessarily study more, i studied smarter. I have a better understanding on how he writes his tests, and knew how and what to study. It was a relief to be over. We probably won't get them back until next Thursday, though.

Yesterday the TAs did the abdomen and thorax dissection. Maureen and Nathan and a couple of other students joined us. I GOT TO WORK ON THE RIB CAGES! No one else but Nathan even touched them. Everyone knows I've claimed them forever, and they're all okay with that. No one else likes to work on the ribs.
i even got to crack the ribcage off! i needed nick and Dan to help me because i had never done it before, but i cracked most of the guy's ribs and helped cut the diaphragm off and other assorted tissues.
awesome!

Our bodies are WEIRD this semester. They pulled me over to the female body and showed me an organ they had cut in half. "What do you think this is, Andi?" I didn't know... i guessed the spleen... Nope! It was a kidney!?! what the ?
the kidneys in each body had huge pockets of liquid on them. it was so strange.
i heard them say the guy's heart was really fatty
The lungs in both bodies are horrible. Smokers, for sure.

The man's stomach seemed small, I guess. I didn't actually see it- i was busy with the ribs.

No uterus in the woman. I'm not sure what we're going to do... Somehow the uterus we've had for years has disappeared (along with our favorite brain/spinal cord, and a few other things). I don't know who decided to send them back to where ever they'd be sent to. It wasn't Dr Bee.. she doesn't know where it went, either.
which is REALLY annoying, because she's in charge of that lab, basically--- so for someone to go behind her back and do that...
I'm protective of lab and of our organs.



I need to be studying for micro... i have an exam tomorrow.
but i really don't feel like it.
i had good intentions of waking up early, studying, going to mass, work, exercise and study the rest of the day
but i don't think that is going to play out exactly like that anymore.
I'll probably go to the 130 mass instead of 11.
i really need to get started on something.

oooof.

numb, happy, hurt

i haven't been able to make myself freak out about the biochem exam tomorrow morning.
i oddly feel prepared, but really- i haven't studied nearly the amount as the last exam.
he claims this exam is just as hard, if not harder, than the last one. but i can't figure out how that is... and that slightly worries me.

i think i'm just numb.
numb to life and to caring.
i'm burnt out and i don't care.
i think i'm tired of trying so damn hard.
trying so hard in recovery, only to not get anywhere.
trying to hard in school, only to realize there is no end in sight.

i'm not going to grad school, so why should i care about my grades.
i just need an internship.
so really, the pressure to 4.0 is all from me.
and it's unnecessary.
and i know that, and i've known that all along.

i'm just numb.

i feel like two or three different people.
parts of me love life, and are so happy and excited for the future.
parts of me hate life, hate me, want to say 'screw it' to recovery. hates the future- sees no end in sight to the suffering and struggles of the ED and depression and uses pain to get through it.
and parts of me are simply numb.


so do i care about the exam tomorrow?
yeah.
but am i freaking out?
no.
there are a few more things i still need to go over and write out a bunch of times. and i should have done that tonight.
but i didn't.
i did spend 5 hours studying with tess, casey and brandon today. and when i got home from micro i studied for a while, and had a 3 way call with casey and tess and we quizzed eachother for 40 minutes.
there are still a few more things i'm shakey on, that will probably be short answer questions.
but i cant' get myself to go over it tonight.
i guess there's tomorrow morning still. that's what i'm counting on.

but really.
i don't even care right now.

go away.

i want, so badly, to be home alone right now. but no. dad's home.
mom left. not sure where she went. i had fallen asleep in my room awhile ago on accident. when i woke up she was gone.
i don't know why it matters if dad is home or not. but i absolutely hate it when he is. i need to study biochem tonight, and whether he is here or not, that's what i'll be doing. so why does it matter that he's in the other room watching the hockey game?
it shouldn't matter.
except it does.
i get so tense when he's around.

i hold my breath everytime i pull into my driveway- praying that there will be no cars parked there. or at least- only my mom's car. i feel like swearing whenever dad's car is parked there.

completely unreasonable.

i was actually home for dinner tonight. i ate so fast, just so that i could go back upstairs.
i didn't want to be there when dad was also at the table.

this is stupid.

but i wish that he'd just go somewhere.
remember that he had some weird errand to do tonight or something. or go to bed early. anything.
just so that he wouldn't be here.

i just want to be alone.

i wish i could move out.

update

i got out of micro lab early tonight. it was just the review for our exam Wednesday.
and then i ran into KATIE in the hall!!!!!

SO excited!! I haven't seen her in SO long!

she had a class at 6, though, so i only got to talk with her for 10 minutes or so.
but it was good.
we might hang out Thursday night (by which the biochem exam will be OVER!)

micro lab shouldn't be too hard.... she said it's straight forward. only 15 questions. pretty much all identification. i just need to memorize the flow chart.

surprisingly, i'm not panicking about biochem.
maybe i should be?
i dont know.
he said this exam is the hardest--- but i still can't figure out why.
at least the chapters are somewhat connected to each other... for once.
and it's only 5 chapters. and not even complete chapters, because a lot go into so much detail he didn't want us to worry about it at that level...
we'll see.
i still have a lot of time.
-tonight, tomorrow afternoon, wednesday, early thursday morning (assuming my car doesn't break down on me again!)
studying with tess on wednesday.
wednesday is her birthday... i should make her something.


I'm so tired.

i did an experiment on my own.
i stopped my nighttime narcolepsy meds...
my doctor said that my brain might rewire itself... and i've been on them for over 2 years, so i was hoping maybe something would have happened by now....
i don't think so.
it's been a couple weeks, and i can definitely tell a difference.
so.. i'm taking them again, starting tonight.
hopefully i'll sleep better and feel more awake in a few days.
we'll see.

maybe i shouldn't be experimenting with my meds like this...
but i'm curious.
and i'm nervous for when i have to come off of them (years from now when i have kids)
i know it's dumb to worry about that NOW, when it's going to be waay in the future... but i still think about these things.
maybe by THEN my brain will have rewired itself or something...
maybe.


nathan might be done with his anatomy exam... i guess i should go over that way and find him.

time machine

I really wish that I could fast forward time. I'm ready to be done with school. I'm ready for summer 2010.

face and ribs!

i got to do the facial dissection today!!!


i didn't finish it, but i got all of the skin peeled away, so all that is left is cleaning it up to see the muscles.
i even got around the eyes really well!
it was difficult because the skin is really thin, plus he was an old man so he had a lot of wrinkles. i kept cutting through the skin on accident, because i had to stay as superficial as possible.
i cut most of the nose off, too.
that was weird.
dr bee wasnt' around, so i didn't completely cut it off... i wanted to ask her opinion before i did anything more.


at one point today, the TAs outnumbered the students...
and their exam is next week.

i'm forecasting a very low average (except for Nathan, Brandon and Monica. and probably Steve and Maureen... but those two aren't in the friday class)
these students are annoying.
i hope next semester is better.
i know a lot of TAs are thinking about quitting... it gets frustrating trying to help them when they aren't willing to put forth any effort.
i'm not quitting. not until i have to (graduation). i want to dissect.

rib cages next saturday!
woo!

internships

i had a shift in mindset yesterday. i'm back to eating better.

i had a shakey week. there were days where i didn't eat anywhere near the amount i was supposed to... and then other days my exchanges were all off, even if i got enough total.
i think everything just got to me. and the fact i went 4 days without working out again didn't help.
but i'm back in the swing of things.
and it's weird, i have a feeling that now, my body will start responding.
i dont know why now is any different, but it just feels like it is.

i feel ready to take on the world


i'm excited for my internship, too.
which is 2 years away....
but i'm still excited about it. especially if I get accepted at st Johns. Brandon was telling me about it yesterday- thats where he did his internship and is working now- and you get a stipand and benefits and everything.
i'm hoping that there won't be as many applicants for that one, because it's still 11 months with lectures. beaumont just changed theirs and eliminated the lectures and cut it down to 6 months. i think more people will be likely to apply to beaumont instead of st johns... so maybe i'll have a better shot.
being done in 6 months would be nice--- but really- i think lectures would help me. i want to be absorbed into that environment and all of that knowledge. i want to feel prepared when i go to take the boards. and beaumont doesn't give any money. and-- i hate beaumont- from a patient point of view- so i would be okay not working there.


it's 2 years off but i'm already dreaming

already ready for bed

i'm exhausted.

i need to study biochem tonight. but i'm not sure if that's going to be possible.

going to study tomorrow with brandon, so that should help.

we FINALLY got our biochem exams back. i managed an 86%
seems low for the amount of work i put into it.
but... i can be okay with a B, i guess.
my goal, afterall, was simply to pass.

we already have another exam on the 13th.
and he says this one is the hardest of them all.
hence brandon and i are already studying.


no big news on the heart thing.
he didn't have the results of the heart monitor thing yet. but the ultrasound and bloodwork was fine.
there's a betablocker he wants me to try.
he said i could try coming off provigil. he didn't seem to understand that wasn't really an option at this point.
besides- i've been on that for over 2 years, why would it only now mess with things?
i don't know if i'm going to take this new stuff...
if my heart rate is simply fast, but my heart is normal, otherwise, then it can't be dangerous.
i'm sick of medication.
i really don't want another.

i'll think about it.

i probably won't take it, though.

.

i can't wait for today to be over.

blank

i need to write.

but i have no words.

out

i can't stand being home with both of my parents here.

i have to get out of here.