pop

i still am surprised that i'm more angry at my mom than i am at my dad... even though i get along so much better with her than him.

when i had to write letters to them at rogers (not to be sent), the one to my mom was a lot longer and a lot angrier.
i hadn't been expecting that.

i brought that up with susan today.

i wonder if i'll ever work up the nerve to tell them everything.

it almost doesn't seem fair to me to not tell them.

i know there were a lot of factors leading to the behaviors- but my parents are HUGE contributors.

i need them to know that.

i need to pop their ignorant bubble that i've been protecting for all of these years.

i'm tired of protecting it.

counting down

i can't wait to move out of this house.
my parents are toxic to me.




tentively 521 more days until im married!

hopefully i can move out a little bit before then, since i graduate in 486 days...

natty

little Natalie completely stole my heart this week.
she is the sweetest child i have ever met. so calm and loving and happy.
i love that she warmed up to me so quickly.
i loved cuddling up with her and reading stories to her and kissing her little forehead.


i wanted to hide her so that Ryann and Joseph couldn't take her with them.


i'm so happy for them to move home soon so that i can play with Natty and watch her grow up.


i want a natalie one day. i hope all of my kids are natalies.

i miss her.

eeeeeee! (part 2)

CASEY AND ROBERT ARE HAVING A BABY, TOO!!!

..

mom is so fricking annoying.


i need to get out of here.

Eeeeeeeee!

Brandon and Jenny are having a baby!!!!

new pants

i realized a few days ago i didn't have any black pants or anything dressy-ish for christmas eve. so i braved going to kohls for pants. always terrifying.
it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i still don't like the size that i am. but it hasn't gone up, so that helped. the black pants are a size smaller than before and the jeans i found for 1/2 off (sweet!) are the same size as before, but they're big on me. so... *deep breath*
i hate clothes shopping. too anxiety provoking and stressful.

i'm finally noticing a change in my body, i think. i've had more time to add more weight training and variety into my workouts. and ive been running 11 minutes a few times a week... and no broken bones! i don't know. i'm still being patient... but it's still hard.

but i went and got black pants, and still went home and ate lunch afterwards, even though i was uncomfortable with the size.
so i think that was successful.

but i still miss being a size 0. and i still miss wearing skirts from the girls department, because size 0 was too big.

maybe that's sick and twisted, but i miss it. i miss being tiny. i miss seeing my bones. i miss my pants becoming too big all the time.

i still haven't accepted that i'll never be there again.
i still have all of my small pants.

afterall- ryann is tiny, and she's healthy... right? why can't that happen to me, too?
i should give her my old clothes, since they're not doing anyone any good sitting in my closet-- but i think it would be too hard to see her wearing them, and knowing that i can't fit into them anymore. and knowing that's had 2 kids already, eats whatever she wants and never works out.

but i'm not bitter.




i hope that one day, trying on clothes won't be tramatic.
i hope that one day i can be comfortable in my skin.

today isn't that day.
but maybe one day.

engaged!

I don't think I'm going to stop smiling for a really long time!

Fingertips

1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
This is how I disappear- my chemical romance

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Everyday- dave mathews band

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
scream, aim, fire- bullet for my valentine

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Wolve's - iron and wine

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
forever and always - bullet for my valentine

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
when two are one- Atreyu

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
broken bones- rev theory (very true! stupid femurs!)

WHAT IS 2+2?
40 miles from the sun - bush

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
trust- thrice

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
a little piece of heaven- avenged sevenfold (aww)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
fences- paramore

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
still running- Chevelle (yup!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
when the rain comes- third day

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
bent- matchbox twenty

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
born for this - paramore

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
nice to know you- incubus (hahaha)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
louder than words- greenwheel

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
conspiracy- paramore (shhh)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
the theft- atreyu

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
the best i ever had (grey sky morning) - vertical horizon

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
babylon- david grey

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
3am - matchbox twenty

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
It's far better to learn- saosin

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Betrayal is a symptom - thrice

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
here we go again- paramore

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
between the end and where we lie- thrice

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
alright- tantric

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
burn it down- avenged sevenfold

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
blood on the ground - incubus

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
fingertips- they might be giants

COMMUNICATE!

i'm still so tired.

i slept until almost noon today.

worked for awhile. i was going to workout at home tonight, since my parent's aren't home, but i dont know if i have the energy.
i've only been awake for 6 hours.... this is ridiculous.


Other news- My mom never informed me we were going to my brothers on the 23rd and to my aunts on the 26th - to see my cousin who lives in chicago. and ryann, jos, and the girls will be there on the 23rd and casey and robert will be home for the 26th.
but i didnt' know about this stuff going on, so i had made plans to go to nathan's family thing on the 26th.
and i never told Nathan, so hes working the 23rd, so he can't come now.
depending on what time things happen on the 26th, i might need to skip out on Nathan's family- which i really don't want to have to do.

i wish mom had told me this. i only know becase casey sent everyone involved a message on facebook about it.
so my sister, three time zones away tells me, and not my mom, who lives in the same house.

lovely.

Anger

so i guess i know now what had been building up for the last little while.


i just spent a good hour in my room crying my eyes out.
i sat down on my bed, about to read a little, when everything just hit me, like it would at Roger's, and i couldn't stop crying.

i shouldn't be surprised.
the last month or so has been nothing but school.
the last couple weeks, all about finals, the week before that, panic attacks.
something had been building. but i never let myself slow down enough to feel it. i'm good at doing that. keep busy, and you don't have to think about life.

it still surprises me how these few things stick with me. still bother me.
i had new realizations tonight, which surprise me, too.


there's a lot of anger inside of me still.
a lot of hurt.
a lot of resentment.
a lot of pain.
a lot of haunting memories.
memories of everything. pain, fear, darkness.
so vivid.
it's still raw.
very raw.

i guess ive never fully gotten it outside of me.
the anger.
i've always taken it out on myself.
angry? cut myself
angry? don't eat
angry? go lose 30 pounds.

there's always been a lot of factors that drove what i've done. a lot of different things that fueled the cutting and the ED.
but one thing has always been a constant--- anger.

the red, sore, bleeding cuts to me just screamed anger. angry red lines. angry pain. angry scars.
the pain in my stomach, the hunger, that screamed anger, too.
the bones, the more they stuck out, the louder they screamed anger.

i guess it makes sense, that now i'm not turning to those behaviors, that I'M going to be the one feeling the anger first hand.
it was always my body feeling the anger. it was never my mind.

i'd been protecting myself.




so now what?

done with biochem

biochem final wasn't too bad. all of the things i thought would be short answers, were indeed short answers. and the things i didn't go over, ended up NOT being short answers! i still don't remember bilirubin synthesis or heme synthesis regulation. the bilirubin question was a SA question, actually- but it was one where we could either answer that or part B, which was about DNA repair, which was super easy.

he messed up ont he numbering (there were two #3s for the short answer part), so i think he accidently added 6 extra points. so that means there was a possibility of getting 126 out of 100 points...
i think it was okay.

it might be a little pathetic, but i'm going to miss that class.


i went to the gym (FINALLY) after the exam, then rushed home to go to my appt. with Susan, only to find out that she's on vacation. so i have no idea when my next appt is, because the lady there didn't know and i could have sworn it was today.
so i went to work for a couple hours, but i was tired and had a headache and couldn't focus so i came home. i need to study micro all night. but ive been up since 6 and fell asleep around 2, and my brain is fried from this morning.


i'm glad i'm going to have my biochem prof again next semester.
i really like how he teaches.
we were talking to him today after the final and i said how i liked the class, even though it was really hard, and he said that he would just be jipping us if he made it easy. i totally agree.
tess is going to be able to manage biochem in med school fairly easily, because our prof used the med school biochem book. and he made us know it inside and out.
same with clinical immunology that i have next semester with him.


i'm kind of upset with Susan.
I had called her during one of those stupid panic attacks a couple weeks back and she never called back. and now she's gone when i had written down my appt was on the 9th.

i could have used therapy today. it would have been really good timing.


ok. im taking a break and doing nothing that requires brain energy until 6.
at 6, i will lock myself in my room and study bacteria until i can't stand it anymore or fall asleep.
my micro final isn't until 3:30, so i have plenty of time tomorrow, too.


almost done. almost done. almost done.

finals

I love school, but finals... they're not a good idea.

biochem final tomorrow.
i keep going back and forth on how i feel about it.
i know i have a lot of things down really well.
and i know the things i'm still shakey on... so i know i should just focus on those shakey areas, but i keep avoiding them for some reason. it's annoying.

i had more coffee at 330 today.
i'm still tired.
i'm burning out but i have a lot more to do tonight for tomorrow, and as soon as biochem is over, then i have to cram for micro...

it'll be nice when all of this is over.

i have to go to Mass tonight at 7.
i should make it my goal to study really hard until i have to leave.

but my heart just isn't in it right now.

ready for bed

i'm so tired it's retarded.

i could take a nap- or just go to bed for the night, and it's 4pm.

oh wait, didn't i do that yesterday?

SERIOUSLY.

extra coffee and everything.
but does my body care?

NO!

stupid body.

distracting

So after that last post yesterday, I went upstairs to study and ended up falling asleep until almost 9pm.
I got up, hoping I'd be up to studying for a little while. Well, that wasn't the case, so I took rozerem and went back to bed, and woke up at 9am, only because of my alarm going off. I easily could have slept for a few more hours.

So I lost yesterday for studying. Which is annoying.
But I really needed that sleep.

Today I've been studying biochem and micro off and on.
I don't feel as solid w. biochem as i did with the last exam. But that's probably because I have been sleeping instead of studying... Ugh.

It's already 1:30...
This stinks.



Dad is SO annoying.
I would be okay with him leaving the house today.
I think it's time for headphones and loud music to drown everything out.
Between dad accusing me of being a bad notetaker (???) and dad's whistling and his pacing the house (must he shuffle his feet?) and humming to himself, and mom with the TV on loud because they're old now... it gets aggrivating.


-deep breath-

i'm not stressed.
... right?

tired

i'm completely exhausted again today.
i went right home after lab this morning. skipped the gym and yoga.

i need to study but my eyes want to close.

this is frustrating.
it's not a typical everyday tiredness.

my bones are tired.
this feels like CFIDS tired.

sensitive

I'm way too sensitive to other people's emotions.

i don't know how to change that.
but i really, really need to.

it's not helping.

almost over

Just got out of microbio lab. Finished my unknowns and identified all of the bacteria i had. I think I had 12 or 13 total, I can't remember.

Had my last micro lecture tonight.
Tomorrow is the last lecture for biochem. We still have 5 1/2 chapters to cover... that should be interesting.
Tomorrow is my last class for issues in health care- and i have to do a group presentation- which i'm NOT looking forward to.
i HATE HATE HATE talking in front of people.
Seriously.
i dont like people!!!
thats why i want to work in a LAB and work with bacteria and viruses all day.
if i wanted to work with people i'd be doing something else.

oy.

3 finals next week.

and then i'm done.


amazing.



now all i have to do is find the motivation to study...