blood type

I typed my blood in lab today. I'm A positive! Neat-o.


i also find it ironic that, of course, even my blood is an overachiever.

low high low

i didn't take my BB this morning because I wanted to be able to function and think during lecture. 15 minutes into clin chem (so, 12:15pm) I started shaking like crazy. I couldn't sit still. I had to get up and move but I couldn't. I was the farthest from the door. And I was sitting right in front of the prof. My mind was going a million miles an hour. i had to move some part of my body at all times or I thought I would explode.
Luckily i had BB with me. but no water. but at 1245 i managed to take it without water. i had to wait for it to kick in and make me tired.
He gave us a couple minute break at 1. I bolted out of the room- wanting to pace the hall. Except some of my other profs were standing in the hallway talking so I went over the stair well and started jumping up and down trying to get the shakeyness to go away. didn't work. on the way back i saw a builiten board with an extra tack. which i took. so during class i used that so i could focus on the sharpness of it and not my crazy mind and the need to move.
by 130 i felt myself slow down. i was still shaking, but not as quickly.

at the moment (3:30) I feel the need to lay down and take a nap. Except i'm stuck on campus and have a class at 4. physically, my body is still shaking, but it isn't because I feel the need to move. my mind is slower, but not normal.

but what is weird is that i didn't take the BB until 330 yesterday because i wanted to go to work before i took it so that i could actually focus. i was fine. i took it at 330 and took it again before bed.
so why do i go crazy on certain days???
i don't get it.

i tried to call my pdoc. i left a message and now i'm playing the waiting game.
my T wanted me to last week to tell her about the week before. and the subsequent crash i had (am having). so once it happened again with the BB i figured i'd call her and at least inform her. she can't DO anything about it, but at least i can tell her.

it's weird that this happens.

i don't want to go to class.
but the grade is based soley on attendance. so unless i want a 3.5 in the easist class i'll ever have, i better not skip. damn it.

i need to lay down.
i feel like crap now.

awake

i'm having a hard time tonight.

This happens every once in awhile. I think the last time was when Nathan and I were in Maryland- at my sister's house.

It happens right as I"m on the brink of falling asleep- i get really panicky then jolt awake. last time the only thing that helped was cutting. which i felt guilty about because Nathan was sleeping near me and I could have woken him up instead.
i tried tonight and i was surprised he actually picked up. but he was only awake because he said he has the worst headache he's ever had. i felt bad unloading stuff on him, and he needed to go. i'm not mad at him, so i feel rotten saying this but DAMN IT. that was the first time i actually called someone at 1am because i needed help. so many people say "call me, no matter how late it is". and i always say "okay, thanks" but i know i'll never do it, because i HATE waking people up. and i hate asking to talk. and i usually would rather cut. so i'm frustrated that it backfired.
but on the other hand, i'm kinda worried for him. headaches shouldn't be that bad. especially when he doesn't have a history of them.
he said he thinks it's starting to feel better. i don't know if he said that for my sake though.

so now i'm stuck. i'm not calling anyone else, but i don't dare try to close my eyes voluntarily. which means i have to keep myself awake until it's physically impossible not to. maybe that way i'll fall asleep without panicking.

i've tried thinking different things. hoping that it would lead me to a different dream, and away from the panic. i can't even describe the thoughts that come with the panic. just that every comepletely off topic thought process leads me right back to it.

i hate these nights.
i don't want to give in. but i do need to sleep.
i tried a healthy alternative... i'm not sure where that leaves me.

more.

appt w. the EP today.
won't let me off the beta blocker.
now i need an exercise stress test and a tilt table test.



i've cried more minutes out of this day than not.


i hate this.

this will never end.

weak

it's 65 degrees today. and sunny.
perfect running day.

so i tried.


HA.



i hate this.

who knows

so i went a day on Monday w.out the beta blocker due to my internship interview and then being gone all day after that, unexpectedly, and didn't have beta blocker with me. And... i'm now hypomanic. all week. yesterday was REALLY bad. I took a few "downers" last night when i got home and managed to sleep 10 hours, which is about what I've gotten total all week. So I think I was able to snap out of the manic phase since I'd never be able to sleep that long if I still was. I feel better today... less... hyper and all over the place. but still not normal.

The bad thing is.. the beta blocker makes me tired, but the hypomania makes me hyper. So I can't sit still and I want to move all over the place and study and do everything all at once. But I'm too tired to do said things because of the BB. So then it feels like I'm trapped inside my body while my head is going a million miles per hour. Then i get really tense and anxous and don't kow what to do with myself. So my 10 hours stuck on campus yesterday was not helping. I even had a hemostasis lab midterm yesterday. That was interesting to take. It was hard to sit still and be quiet.
I kept having to leave the study room and pace the halls. I called nathan a few times and the first time he had to tell me to slow down because I was talking too fast. I also sent him a weird email. He was good about it. He laughed at the email... and so did I after I read it again.
I had to talk to one of my professors yesterday and he tried to tell me to make sure i slowed down my talking or she'd think i was high. i hope i managed it. she didn't say anything.

email:

most of what you said makes sense. i didn't really have the attention span to read the whole thing so i skimmed it and now i'm really motivated to actually study so i'm going to do that right now instead of the case study but i will look over this again later. if you were heated up would your BP really go down? i would have thought up. i need to think about that. i will think about that. i found r---- and finished registering. yippee! that lady seemed grouchy. not r----. the other lady. r---- is never grouchy. i can't stop moving!!!!!! but my eyes want to close and take a nap. wait. eyes cant take naps. you know what i mean. you'll probably tease me for that sentence. that's ok. I LOVE YOU!!! i hope the heater fixing guy comes soon and you can be warm. being warm is good. i like being warm. the computer lab is super warm right now. I'M actually warm so that's saying something. too bad you cant' be here. i miss you!
k. i should go!

his reply:

That's the longest email I've ever had from you! Wow! You must have been typing quickly... I'm surprised your eyes need a nap, but even more surprised that you didn't just delete that part if you didn't want me to read it. You're funny and I love you.

I talked to him today and he mentioned the email. he said "it was like you were simply typing whatever came to your mind" yeah. pretty much. i'm kinda surprised it wasn't longer.

i managed to study today for a few hours.
i was going to attempt working out but i kept blacking out so i didn't think that was a good idea. maybe tomorrow.
i'll be going to work later, too.
i'm feeling better after my 10 hours of sleep... so i'm hoping i'll be productive today.

i was hoping i'd be more productive w. studying yesterday since i was manic and motivated but i was in the study room and a lot of people were talking and i was easily distracted and couldn't actually focus on one thing at time. so i didn't do a whole lot except play minesweeper and pace the halls. i did laps around all 3 floors of the building. a few times.
i had a 6 hour break between classes yesterday because i didn't have lab after the lab midterm and the midterm only took me 30 minutes. i was done by noon and my class isn't until 6.
it was a long day.


i hope i stable out. and i hope a depression doesn't follow the hypomania. i'm feeling better than yesterday but i can still tell i'm not exactly normal yet. i am still amazed i slept for 10 hours, though.
i guess i just have to wait and see.

poison

i don't really like life right now.

i got through the 3 exam week somehow. i don't feel like i've learned anything... i just know how to study for these teachers.

casey and kathrine are still here.
apple picking and party at ryann's tomorrow for ~25 people. i'm expected to join.
kathrine's baptism Sunday afternoon. company at house before and after.

um. hi.

i need my house back. i need company to not be here.

i need to be awake.
i'm so behind at work.
i have another 2 exams next week, plus a paper.
i haven't started writing the paper or studying for the exams.
i still haven't exercised at all.


i don't feel human.

and all i want to do is starve and cut.

i know that won't fix anything. but at least i'd feel something.
i just feel like a zombie.
just going through the motions.
i almost cry everytime it's time to take another dose of the beta blocker.
poison.
that's all it is.

pathetic

so far, all day i've been light headed (blacking out included) and feel like i might pass out at any second.
it's very hard to get work done when it's difficult to sit up straight.

i managed to stay at work for a little over 3 hours today. biggest accomplishment of the weekend.
pathetic.

useless

I'm not doing well.

I am so beyond exhausted. I do not feel like myself.
Sure, I'm always tired, but most days I can usually work though it.
Me on a beta blocker? I'm useless.
I can't think. I can't focus. I'm just so tired. Lecture makes no sense. I"m too tired to study. I'm too foggy to be productive at work, so I haven't been going, so I'm getting behind.
I have 2 exams and a quiz this week. Plus 2 homework assingments due. I haven't studied yet. This material is impossible to cram for, if I had the ability to cram.

8 classes is too many.
Ok, 7. The one I just have to show up for an hour and listen to people talk about their career. But still, it's still an hour out of my already unproductive life each week.

People say, "why don't you drop a class?"

BECAUSE THEN I WON'T GRADUATE IN MAY!!!!

And yes, I could technically gradute next December and start an internship in January, but my number one favorite hospital I want to intern at doesn't start internships in January like two of the others do. So if I do that, I miss out on it and have to settle for a lower choice.

I'm not okay with dropping a class.
I'd hate myself if I didn't graduate in May.

But I have barely studied all week. I'm not retaining anything.
I kept blacking out all day today. And yes, I'm eating and drinking enough.

I wish the beta blocker wasn't working, then I wouldn't feel the need to take it.
But it IS helping. My HR is lower and I'm not having as many palpatations.

But being this tired is not acceptable.

I'm getting behind in everything.
I'm not exercising.
And I'm just plain exhausted and overwhelmed.

I need to talk to the head of my department. When I told her a couple weeks ago I was sick she said "let me know if I can do anything for you."
I have no idea what she can do for me. I have to learn the stuff- there's no way around it. But I need to ask. Is there something she can help with? I doubt it. But I need to know.

I can't take this much longer.
I'm starting to hate myself.
I'm lazy and useless.
I might as well stay in bed all day.

screw you, Dr. S

i am so fed up with the electrophysiologist.

i called to see when i coudl get the ultrasound done and get the heart montior on. i was hoping it could be the same day, seeing as I live an hour away from there.

But no, that would be too easy. The ultrasound is on my birthday at 315. And then they can't be nice and put the heart monitor on me then- oh no. I have to come back the following wednesday at 3 to get that on. Hopefully I can take it off myself- since that's what I did last time- but the lady I just talked to was like "no, you have to come back in and have it taken off and return it". I had been hoping that I could take it off myself, then have my mom drop it off the next day. Seeing as I'm in class from 10am-9pm on Thursdays. I can't exactly drive 2 hours just to drop off the stupid thing in the middle of my day.

DAMN IT.

Ok, seriously. This is pissing me off. I have EIGHT classes this semester. And I'm still working!
September is already busy. We have a wedding next weekend, a meeting w. our priest for our wedding. Going wedding dress shopping with Ryann and mom this week, and probably a few more times soon (at least I was hoping so), we have to start making hte bridesmaid's dresses. Nathan and I have a marriage prep. retreat 18th-20th, I see susan on the 14th. And wine-making is 22nd and 27th.

Oh, and I have 8 classes and a job. And homework, exams.

Oh, and I'M TRYING TO APPLY FOR MY INTERNSHIP.


I don't have time for this bullshit.
I just don't.

maryland

Nathan and I went to Maryland last week. Stayed with my sister in Baltimore and a night in southern MD where his old base was. We stayed with his friend (who has two adorable little girls, ages 2 and 3). I didn't get to meet Corey because he is currently in Iraq, but Janice was there with the girls. The 3 yr old, Lily, became my best friend while we were there. I had been there for just a little while and she was sitting next to me, looked up with her big eyes and said, "I love you". She was hanging on me the rest of the time. I loved it.
We met up with some of his old friends there, and I got to see the house he lived in. Wednesday Nathan and I spent all day in DC. and on Thursday we drove back up to Baltimore and Diane gave us a day-long tour of Johns Hopkins (since she works there) and the city. It was such a fun week. We both needed a vacation. It kind of sucks to be back home... I got spoiled spending so much time with him.

My legs are a little sore from all of the walking so I decided not to run today. I'll wait and see how they feel tomorrow, I guess.

The "appt."

My appt was at 3. So I got there at 2:45. I sat and I sat. And I waited. And I tried to do physics homework. And I sat. And at 5:10 I get called back. I get weighed, I get my blood pressure and pulse taken. I get an ECG. I wait. And I wait. Around 5:35 the NP comes in to take my history. Around 5:55 the Dr comes in goes over the history the NP took with me. I was with him less than 5 minutes. Then he says the ECG looks normal and that there doesn't appear to be a structural problem (and of course, my resting HR was NORMAL while i was sitting there waiting for 3 hours). So he said he thinks it's the meds, but still, he'd like a 24 heart monitor and an ultrasound of my heart. Unfortunatly, everyone in the office had left at this point and there was no one there to set me up with it (isn't HE qualified?!).

So I have to go back. But I couldn't even set up a time to go back because the front desk people had all left and he said they would call me the next morning with follow up information (which they never did). He had been on vacation and that day was his first day back and they "accidently" overbooked him. Um... if you only have so many openings in the book, how do you "accidently" write too many people's names down? I would have waited a week if I had known that would have helped the situation. I left my house at 145 and got home at 7. I saw the dr for 5 minutes and had nothing but an ECG done. It was the biggest waste of a day ever. (plus, this was the day I was going on 2 hours of sleep and my entire exhaust system fell off my car on the way to class... it was already a crappy day. oh- and they have CNN on in the waiting room. I hate politics, i hate obama. and it makes me anxious and want to cut but i couldn't get away from it).

This place is an hour away from me.

I have no intentions of going back.

my heart is fine.

And I don't care.

another appt...

i see the electrophysiologist tomorrow...

i hate new drs.

im not looking forward to this.

intervals

i ran yesterday at the gym. i'm up to 12.5 minutes of running.
walking is boring. but instead of 1 minute run and 2 minute walks i changed it to 1.5 minute run and 1 minute walk... haha.

i have in my mind that when people stop running and walk- then they must be winded and out of shape. So since when I"m running I don't feel winded and I feel strong, I never feel the need to stop and walk. To do so would be a sign of weakness. Which is something i hate.
So now i have to FORCE myself to walk during my runs. it's uncomfortable. it's better when im out on the dirt roads and no one is around to see me. but i felt weird in the gym yesterday only running for 1.5 minutes at a time. I get paranoid that people are watching me and thinking "wow, she must be really out of shape, she can't run for very long" and not " she must be coming back from injuries" and even though i know that probably no one is watching me or thinking that, i still don't like it. (i finally think that people who aren't running much might also be coming back from injury... that never used to cross my mind... i guess i'm mean). but i made myself do the interval running yesterday. i need to change the way my mind thinks on this. It's not that I'm weak, it's that I'm treating my body well. which is something I'm still getting used to. and i've come too far to ruin it now.
i'll probably go to work tomorrow after my heart dr appt and run there. At least at a physical therapy office i won't feel so weak doing interval running. especially since everyone is usually old and have artifical joints and havne't run in years. to them, 1.5 minutes is probably impressive. haha. (plus, i can't over do it if my PT is there... she'd yell at me)

i worry too much.


but HEY!

I'M RUNNING AGAIN!!!!!!

Rain

just went running in the rain. about a mile and half but I walked in between runs so I figured it was fine. I feel good. I think I'm more prepared to run than my PT thought I am. I've been doing a lot of variety workouts at home and a lot of the workouts (from OnDemand) have running in place, a lot of various jumping exercises, and a lot of plyometrics. I started that because it's a good workout, plus it's impact but since i'm on carpet it isn't too much of an impact. I figured that was a good way to start. And I think that helped prepare my feet, ankles, and calves for running. After the first couple times I wasn't shakey with it anymore.

Don't get me wrong- I'm still starting out slowly, I still won't run 2 days in a row, i'll still do intervals until I work into running the whole time. i won't rush it. i promise.

but i'm excited because i felt really strong when i was out there today. and my calves didn't cramp. the bottom of my right foot was kind of tight afterwards but i stretched and massaged it and it feels okay now.

amazing.

Friday

I'm officially done with PT! I'm going to have a life again! wow!

Dad is in Seattle now with mom. I'll be home alone for a week.
Which sucks because dad is an awesome physics tutor and I have exam on Monday and homework due Wednesday and Thursday over two confusing chapters. (we just started quantum physics and on the first page of the chapter it says "prepare to be confused". How comforting).

but i get to workout at home whenever i want. So that's always a treat.
Might spend the night at Ryanns tonight or tomorrow because Joe is out of town too. Avery seemed pretty excited about having a girls night with Aunt Andi.

I want to visit Brandon and Jenny and hold little Luke again. But I don't want to be a pain. I'm sure everyone wants to go visit them and hold luke... they probably want to be alone with their son. but i really want to play with my nephew!

My knees are sore today.
maybe i haven't been stretching enough.

blistered.

my skin is all blistered from the sunburn. :(
it blistered yesterday but i popped most of them... but i tried exercising this morning and when i got done it was blistered even worse than yesterday.
i took pictures and posted them on FB so that my mom could see them since she's still in Seattle...

it hurts and it itches and nathan talked to the pharmacist that he works with and he said there is some spray that i could use to numb it but other than that there isn't much to do at this point except to not pop them and let them heal.

blech.

i ran for one minute 6 times today. yay.

running!

no more osteopenia!!!!!!!!! it was the best possible Outcome afterall. What a miracle!
i ran for 3 whole minutes at PT today(1 minute, 3 times). *raises eyebrow*
more of a tease than anything... but at least it's something and a start. i know i have to start out slowly... even though i think 3 minutes is beyond "slowly". but it isn't just my bones- it's my muscles and tendons and the tibial torsion messes with everything too. my muscles had atrophied (in my ankles and hips) and they aren't used to running.

i was doing lunges on the bosu ball after my 3 minutes of running and my left foot cramped up really badly. i tried to hide it from my PT (because i dont want to hear i have to put off the running) but of course she noticed. luckily she didn't seem overly concerned. i told her flexor hallicus longeus felt weird when i was running. not painful, but kind of stressed and tired. since thats where the tendonitis was it's not too suprising. i'm allowed to run a little bit more before thursday which will be my last day of PT. she wants to see how my feet handle it.
it's good that i work there... she said i can follow up with her whenever im in to work and if i want i can have her watch me run again if i think something feels off. She's so nice.
custom orthotics might be in order because of the tibial issues. and the navicular bone drops a little bit- which stresses flexor hallucis longus even more.
annoying but at least now my feet/calf problems make sense.

i hope i can run more soon.
i won't go crazy with it. i promise.
but seriously- i need more than 3 minutes!

Counting down

Two more days until i get the density results back...

i am beyond nervous.

the good thing about Friday is that directly after the dr appt, we're going to the warp tour. and Saosin, one of my all time favorite bands, will be there. So if the news is bad, i can listen to them and let the music help to heal (and distract) me. If the news is good i can go and celebrate.


physics exam tomorrow.
i need to go and finish studying.
not too worried about it.
i just need to go through the practice exam.

waiting

had my bone density scan today.

i dont know how many times and in how many ways i had to say i did not want my wrist scanned before they finally let me not have it done.

all i had last summer was my hip and my spine. all my dr needs to know is if there has been improvement within this year. since i have no previous results of my wrist denisty, that would mean nothing.

besides, i don't go running on my hands.

the lady didn't believe me that I didn't have my wrist scanned last summer. then she asked how many stress fractures i've had. and i said "a lot". she needed me to be more specific (why, i have no idea). so i said 4 in my femurs. "are you sure in your femurs?" "yes" "how far apart were those." "all within a year" "you're sure it was your femurs?" "Yes."
She asked how many in my tibias. i just laughed at her. I have no idea. I lost track. I said probably 3 or 4 in the last couple years but that i used to get them a lot back when i was actually running a lot (and im not confusing them with shin splints). i told her about my 3rd metatarsel fracture when i was 17, too.

When i was leaving she asked "now, you're sure it was your femurs?"

Ok, seriously? I had already told her I had osteopenia. Her job is doing this test, so I'm sure she's seen people come in with stress fractures all over the place. If i have weak bones, why is it THAT hard to believe it was my femurs?
No lady, i meant fibula. i have no concept of anatomy.

anyway.
i was fighting back tears the whole time i was there. i was so NERVOUS. i still am.
i have to wait until next Friday- a full week- before I see my dr again.

There are 4 possible outcomes:

1) My bones are weaker than last year. Very very unlikely. But I would be completely unconsolable.

2) My bones are the same as last year. Is a possibility. Pretty much unconsolable with this outcome, too.

3) My bones are stronger, but still osteopenic. Better than Outcomes 1 and 2, because at least there will be improvement- which gives me some hope. I will still be upset though, if it means I can't run.

4) My bones are no longer osteopenic and I have the green light to run. Obviously, the best Outcome. But I fear this is as unlikely as Outcome 1. It's been one year. How much can bones change in one year?


I'm trying to relax.
But I'm just so nervous.


I don't have the strength in me to be dealt another blow of bad news. I'm already broken from my neurologist appt.
I can't handle any more.

go away

ive been too sensitive lately.

crying over the littlest thing.

my mood has dropped.

and it's taking less and less to set me over the edge.


i haven't even wanted to talk to anyone today.
i just want to be alone.


so.
now what.

TdF (what else?)

Levi! I like this picture.

I don't know how I'm doing. I'm mostly just numb right now. Trying to focus on getting through each day- it's enough to keep my mind occupied. I need a break though. I need to put life on PAUSE. Just for a moment. Please. Just for a moment.


Luckily it's July, and that means the Tour de France! I love it.
It's kind of slow... None of the break aways are really much danger to the overall leaders and the overall times haven't changed in quite awhile. Team Astana (with Levi and Lance) are basically dominating the tour and no one wants to attack them until the Alps- which starts next Tuesday. It'll get really exciting in the Alps!
Right now, Astana riders are in 2nd (6 seconds back), 3rd (lance- 8 seconds back), 4th (Levi 39 seconds back), and 6th place (54 seconds back). Not too shabby. But yeah- kind of boring (*gasp* did I just say that?). Only boring because not much has been happening lately. There have been a lot of flat stages- more than I remember there being. And flat stages--- nothing really happens except exciting sprint finishes (Cavendish has won all of them). They were only in the Pyrenees for I think 3 stages... so that's weird. I'm looking forward to the Alps.




Instead of LIVEstrong... I like it better as LEVIstrong. ;)

.

I'm having a bad day.

no rest

i'm tired.
and i'm worn out.

and i can't handle too much more right now.

unfortunatly, i have a physics exam tomorrow.
and i still have a lot of studying to do.

but i just came back from therapy... so now all i feel up to doing is curing up in bed and closing my eyes.

...

defeated

will my body ever be healthy?

i seem to get sick whenever i start having kick ass workouts. i guess if im not getting stage 4 sleep ever, i'm wearing it out even more. how cna you have an immune system if you never actually sleep?

3 people have commented on how often ive been getting sick lately.


i've had my fill of appts. i want to be done.
between the sport medicine dr for my legs/feet, the PT 3x a week, therapy every 2 weeks, and my neurologist, i have to go to the dentist at some point, i have to get my thyroid levels checked and see my primary care dr about my thyroid meds, i still need to schedule my bone density scan (which im avoiding), and now i have to call up the heart doctor and then make an appt. with a sleep specialist that works along side w. my neurologist because he wants to bring someone else in on my case because he's pretty much stumped.

plus i have 2 jobs and an accelerated physics 2 class that i suck at. oh, plus i need to workout for my "sanity" (when im not sick with a 102.5 degree temp), and sleep, even though that seems like a waste of time since I dont actually sleep when I'm "sleeping". (FUCK YOU, BODY!) And the tour de france to watch (which might sound dumb, but i wasn't home to watch it last year so it's been 2 years since i've gotten to do this and be this excited. This is my one thing i enjoy every summer. i AM going to watch it). oh, plus i have a fiance, friends, and a family to spend time with. and a wedding to plan. and my internship interviews to prepare for and set up.

no big deal, right?

i'm feeling really defeated.
i was so hopeful that my brain rewired itself and that i was getting good sleep.
Not even with the meds is that happening. I was so hopeful i'd have a chance of coming off my meds. of being okay when nathan and i decide to have children and i get pregnant. how will i be okay?









how am i ever going to be a mommy?

bad day.

I"m having a bad day.
NOt only did i wake up with a 101.5 degree fever, a nose oozing green goo and my bronchitis cough reappearing, I had an appt. with my neurologist about the sleep study results.

I still don't get any stage 4 and hardly any stage 3 sleep. i'm primarly in stage 2, which isn't really anything worthwhile. His concern over my weird heart beat/rate/rhythems is preventing him from tweaking medications at all. Anything else he wants to try affects the heart, increasing anything that I'm on affects the heart. So he wants me to see an electrophysiologist ASAP to get my heart checked out by an expert. to rule out any problems with it. until that happens he won't adjust the meds.

I thought after 3 years of treatment SOMETHING would have changed in my brain. I was so hopeful. Why am I ever hopeful going into see a doctor for results? Don't I know better by now???
I've been putting off the bone density scan because I'm scared.

i need a new brain and a new heart and new bones.
is that too much to ask for?

them bones, them bones

So I dissected a pig tonight. Nic, my dad and i got most of the meat off of it so people could eat. Then after that I went back at it and had fun. Pigs have more bones than we do. and more vertebrae and ribs. I was fascinated!!! I thought it would be cool to take all of the bones and recreate the skeleton, but people thought i was weird already so I only took some of the bones (both scapulae, half of the pelvis, vertebrae, ribs, and some random leg/arm bones that seemed odd. I think one was a tibia and one was a fibula, but then there were bones going even lower than that so it made no sense!!! It was fun.

So now i have 2 ziplock bags full of pig bones in the fridge. I'm going to have fun tomorrow!!!

old thoughts

Yesterday didn't go so well. I couldn't stand the feeling of food in my stomach. I got panicky if I felt full at all, or didn't feel hungry. I didn't manage to have any lunch or snacks. I just couldn't get myself to do it.

We went out to eat last night with all of Nathan's family, plus his aunt, uncle and cousin from TN. 13 in all. I didn't manage to eat much, but I don't think anyone noticed, except maybe his one sister who kept eyeing me a little.

I don't know where that came from. I have my theories, but I'm really not sure.
I think part of it is that I've finally lost a little bit of weight (the healthy way), and it felt good to fit into some old clothes again, and it kind of brought me back to how it was when i started losing all of the weight really rapidly (not that i lost the weight rapidly this time).
Plus i was weighing myself every morning for awhile. I need to not do that. I hadn't done that for well over a year and a half. And I don't know why I started. Curiosity, maybe.

But it scared me- two ways. First, the thought scared me- the thought that I used to have every waking moment of my life for a really long time. And second, because part of me didn't care... and was excited by it.


I've managed to eat today. Going to a pig roast at Nathan's sister's tonight, though. And so I'm not sure what to expect, and I hate not being able to plan my meals ahead to know how to have the rest of my day go. I usually figure the whole day out in the morning so I can get everything together right then and there. And I can't do that tonight. Because I have no idea what i'll be able to eat there. I still have half of my day's worth of calories to go, though, and only dinner and an evening snack to go (if i end up breaking it up that way). I've just been nervous so my lunch and afternoon snack were on the small side to "prepare" for tonight.

What's going on in my head right now?
Why am I freaking out again?

no.

i'm having a really hard time eating today.

so... this pretty much sucks.

i'm way too torn on this right now.

and i know this isn't good.

liar

One month into physical therapy and my feet still suck, apparently. Tried working out today but my pain was 10 out of 10... which pretty much prevents me from doing anything but sitting on my butt. I did upper body lifting. and managed some walking before the pain shot up to a 10 (started out probably at a 6 or 7 (worked out anyway because im stubborn)- and all i had done this morning before that was work, which is just sitting at a desk for 4 hours... so why would that make them cramp and hurt?????)

It's so annoying. I could have lost weight by now, if only I could get some decent workouts in. But no, my feet have to suck and hate me.

I can barely walk around the house right now because it hurts to put weight on my feet.
I thought they were getting better. I told my PT that yesterday during my re-eval. But they made a liar out of me today. Damn feet.

I'm really frustrated today.

my silly body.

had PT again this morning. had a re-eval, which was interesting. my ankles are getting stronger and i have a lot more ROM, but still not enough and im still weaker than i should be. i got a new exercise to do- which is all balancing on one foot at a time (while i pull a weighted cable across in front of me). hahahahahahaha what a joke! i have no balance. my ankles were wobbling all over the place and i kept on tipping over. after that my legs and ankles are so tired.

it didn't help that i couldn't sleep last night.
which was SO frustrating because i fell asleep at Nathan's, or at least was about to. so I left his house thinking I'd be able to crash as soon as i got home. Nope. of course not. i went to bed, couldn't sleep, got up a couple times, finally went back to bed around 2:30, tossed and turned all night. i was so anxious, i kept freaking out and i have no idea why. i'd have to lay there and remind myself to breathe deeply and slowly and to relax. at one point i yelled at myself "ANDI! STOP THIS! RELAX ALREADY!" (it's a good thing im home alone this week so my parents didn't hear me yelling at myself!) i think i finally got to sleep around 5.

i called him this morning and said "we need to get married. i seem to only be able to sleep when im with you"

343 more days!

saw my sports dr this morning (before PT- so i had to get up at 7, after being up all night. blech). got a prescription for the bone density scan!
I asked my PT, Kim, when she thinks i could run if my bones end up being strong enough.
She said that at the 6 week mark i might be ready to start working my way into it(doing things on the trampoline and mini jumps on the total gym to get used to the bouncing movements). my 6 week mark would probably be when i get the results of the scan back, which is perfect timing, which makes me even more hopeful that God is making it all work out and that i'll be running soon.
i have a good feeling about my bones. maybe i'm just trying to be hopeful and that's why. but i don't know- i can't explain it. i just feel like my bones are going to be okay.

i want to work out today.
but i'm really tired.
i'm definitely too tired to focus at work, so im not even going to try.

annoying.

GTCA

Follow up to the PCR song. This one is also hilarious.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bF2QalUj1Y&feature=related

The PCR song

this is SO funny.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5yPkxCLads

1:40 is hilarious.

and "it's amazing what heating and cooling and heating will do"

stumped

the physical therapists are stumped. they can't figure out what exactly is wrong. Don today said it's possible nerve related. he said my symptoms aren't consistant w. plantar faciitis, and even tendonitis wouldn't cause the severe cramping in my feet that i have.

i told him they've been feeling better- still cramping but not as intense- but that it's difficult to tell if it's because of the PT or because I've cut back on the exercise and stopped doing things that aggrivated it in the past (or if it's related to the orthotics im trying). So before my next appt on Tuesday, I have permission to try doing things again to see if it's any better! Yay! bring on the treadmill w. an incline! bring on more time w. things! woo!!

hopefully i do okay with it. i want to improve... i feel like i'm a bad patient if i don't.

he thought about having a stress test and then getting blood taken immediately after to test my levels of stuff then. i guess that's a possibility but aren't stress tests done by running on a treadmill?

I'll run if they want me to.... but i think that would be frowned upon.

Koundinya I and II

now, I can also do these.

:)

Fun!

forearm stand

I can finally do this.

I got headstand pretty quickly, so I don't know why I had so much trouble with this one.

Next goal: scorpion

zzz

why have I been so tired lately?

blech. too much to do today to be tired.

go away

ive been feeling down today (and it isn't because the wings didn't win last night... i'm over it- pittsburgh wanted it more and outplayed us).
i thought taebo would help, but it didn't. just made me more tired.

brandon and jenny are having people over today. i thought it was next saturday but when brandon called me to see where i was, i still didn't feel like driving out there to be around people. (i didn't tell him that though)

tomorrow is a dissection for anatomy lab. even though im not currently a TA it really doesn't matter. Once a TA, always a TA. I was going to go tomorrow because I'd get to dissect ribcages which are one of my favorite things to dissect, but also because Jayme is going to be there and i haven't seen her since finals. but my heart isn't in it. maybe i'll stop in there. i need to go to the MLS lab and autoclave and do other things, and i want to go to the gym, so i'll be there. I don't know.. i just don't want to be around people right now. i want to hide away.

Nathan is the exception. he's working tonight though, so i cant hang out with him. Tomorrow night, though. So that's good.

what does work and my feet have in common? They both suck.

my feet hurt today :( i haven't exercised since Wednesday, so I haven't even earned this cramping. jerks.

hopefully i can get through some kickboxing...




there have been tons of charts at work I haven't been able to find in months. it's been SO annoying. I found about 30 of them on Robb's desk today. Charts that have been discharged last november that he hasn't filled out yet. Really, Robb? Are you really going to remember their measurements and if they achieved their long term goals? I mean, seriously. Good thing I'm an internal auditor and can't get them in trouble. This is ridiculous.

Oh, and Vikki hasn't updated my binder since May 22nd, so all of the new patients since then... I can't audit their charts because I dont know who they are yet! COME ON PEOPLE! she's supposed to do that every Monday. Um...

I'm glad I won't work there forever. This isn't my career. I have to remind myself that everytime I go in.

friday

i had PT at 7am. yuck. i dont really like 7am. which is annoying because i USED to be a morning person.

my ROM in my ankles is slightly improving. subjectively, i can't tell a difference yet, but hopefully soon. she added forward lunges to my exercises and my feet hated that. :/

i'm tired.

i really need to start looking into my internship interviews. the whole thing freaks me out though... i keep putting it off.

tonight is the last hockey game of the season. whoever wins tonight wins the Stanley cup.
AHHHHHH!

we'll win. we have more depth than Pittsburgh. they have 2 good players that seem to carry their team. how they got this far is beyond me. all of our players are good. our defensemen even score regularly. our goalie has gotten assists.
so yeah.
GO WINGS!

coughing

i was pretty much asleep. then another coughing fit started and i almost threw up i was coughing so hard. this has been a common thing this week. Annoying. The past two days, Ive felt well enough during the day to not need the cough medicine, and since it knocks me out (ie: sleeping all day and night), i have gladly not taken it. However, the coughing comes back at night. I do not understand why. Nathan thinks maybe its because I get tired and my body has a harder time fighting it off. I was at Nathan's house Saturday night when it happened. It wouldn't stop and I could hardly catch my breath. I almost threw up in his living room, in front of his parents. Lovely, no?

I'm considering skipping philosophy in the morning. I'm not too afraid of coughing too much during class, since, as i've said, the coughing has only been bad at night lately, but rather because it's 12:35 am and I'm still coughing (i just took the codeine cough medicine... so i should be asleep once i stop coughing. Thank you, codeine). I have to get up at 6:30 to get ready for class. This leaves me less than 6 hours of sleep right before a day when I'm on campus for 13 hours. This does not sound like a good idea. I feel bad skipping class though, since I missed the majority of it on Wednesday. and because it's an accelerated class, missing one lecture is the same as missing an entire weeks worth of lectures. So basically I'll be missing 2 weeks worth of classes.

So. I don't know. Maybe i'll try waking up at 6:30 and decide then when I know how tired i am.

stupid bronchitis

KRONWALL!

Tonight was game 5 against Pittsburgh in the finals. Going into this game, the series was tied 2-2.

We shut them out 5-0!!




and... KRONWALL SCORED!!



I hate Pittsburgh. more than any other team. (except maybe Anaheim... so they might be tied) Their players are evil, hot-tempered, and overrated. and I am so looking forward to defeating them again this year (we played them in the finals last year, too- Detroit won, of course!)
we play again on Tuesday. If Detroit wins Tuesday... WE WIN THE STANLEY CUP!

Pittsburgh was so desperate tonight- check out the penalties from tonight's game:

Penalty Summary

1st Period
Detroit tripping - 2 min 7:16, N. Kronwall (oh, kronwall... haha. objectively though- it was a really lame call on the refs part. and im not the only one who thinks so)
Pittsburgh interference with goaltender - 2 min 19:39, C. Kunitz

2nd Period
Pittsburgh slashing - 2 min 5:53, S. Gonchar
Pittsburgh elbowing - 2 min 6:48, E. Malkin
Pittsburgh roughing - 2 min 13:50, C. Kunitz
Pittsburgh slashing - 2 min 17:37, S. Crosby
Pittsburgh slashing - 2 min 17:57, M. Talbot

3rd Period
Detroit roughing - 2 min 1:53, M. Hossa
Pittsburgh hooking - 2 min 7:14, E. Malkin
Pittsburgh high sticking - 2 min 15:50, P. Dupuis
Pittsburgh misconduct - 10 min 15:50, C. Adams
Pittsburgh cross check - 2 min 18:08, E. Malkin
Pittsburgh misconduct - 10 min 18:08, M. Cooke
Detroit misconduct - 10 min 18:08, B. Lebda
Pittsburgh misconduct - 10 min 18:08, M. Talbot

poor little lungs

i have viral bronchitis. :(

i finally went to the dr today and he gave me cough syrup w. codeine. and its the only thing that has really subdued the coughing. nothing else has in 5 days.

weakness

I had my first PT appt today. Went well. I'm more screwed up than i thought! or at least- in differnet ways. I have very very limited range of motion (ROM) in my ankles, and i'm very weak on the sides of my ankles with adduction and abduction. my hips are also very weak. I walk weird because of the limited ROM in my ankles. I'm short 75 degrees in dorsi flexion.
i distribute my weigh unevenly because of my twisted tibias. my ankles and the joints in my feet are tight.
i could barely stand on one leg at a time, especially when she wanted me to squat with one leg. my weak ankles were moving all over the place trying to keep me upright. i could only manage a couple calf raises on each side before my feet cramped up.

because this has been chronic, she thinks that one thing started and then my body tried to compensate by doing something else, which made something else compensate, etc. she thinks orthotics, later on, will help. but she says we need to get the strength and ROM back into my legs so that i can support myself as much as possible w.out orthotics.

Self Destruct and Die

One of my new favorite songs- It's by Dead Poetic, a rock Christian band. I like them because they aren't all "God is awesome, life is great". they get that life sucks sometimes, and their music reflects that. It's real, but there is that positive twist. The song is called Self Destruct and Die. CHECK THEM OUT!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBcQhAkK8QA

I'm only patient enough to please the masses for so long.
My brittle arms cannot hold up all the walls in this falling tomb.
I'm only caring enough (Drowning in expectation.)
To love oppressors for so long.
Until I begin to crack (I cannot disappoint them)
And the monster will soon come back.

I've got to cut the tube that feeds the undying need for this peace.

I'll self-destruct and die, if you don't allow me breathing room.
Save me from my phobia of failing you again.
I'll self-destruct and die, from the strain of pleasing the masses.
I'm the dying pacifist.

I don't need you to stop. I only need you to understand.
I dig this dagger myself (and twist and turn until I'm numb)
And I'll continue until you end it.

I've got to cut the tube that feeds the undying need for this peace.

I'll self-destruct and die, if you don't allow me breathing room.
Save me from my phobia of failing you again.
I'll self-destruct and die, from the strain of pleasing the masses.
I'm the dying pacifist.

I'm addicted to being something they will look up to and
I'm begging for someone, something, to bring me back to you.

I'll self-destruct and die, if you don't allow me breathing room.
Save me from my phobia of failing you again.
I'll self-destruct and die, from the strain of pleasing the masses.
I'm the dying pacifist.

PT

Saw the sports Dr this morning. He confirmed the fact my tibias are twisted (my friend w. a masters in biomechanics took one look at my legs yesterday and told me thats what was wrong).

And that I have compartment syndrome in both calves and tendinitis in flexor hallicus longus tendon of both feet. So... im going to start PT. blech. i hope it helps. he said the only real way to correct my twisted tibias is surgery, which is completely NOT an option. if PT doesn't help, then the orthotics will probably help to compensate for the twisting. he can tell by the calluses on my feet that i don't walk evenly. Oy.


so we'll see. maybe this will help.

and he's going to order a bone density scan in july.

do the twist

yup.

tibial torsion.

i have twisted tibias.

crazy.

Ran

i need to fall asleep soon because im getting up at 6 so that i can go to 7am Mass, then go to the gym before chicken BBQ begins at noon. however, it is almost 1am, so that really sucks.


in other news- i ran for 5 minutes today! and it felt amazing.
i was on the treadmill- walking at a really steep incline. to take a break, i took it all the way down to 3%. It felt flat to me, after being at 13% for 45 minutes... So to get it out of my system, I bumped the speed up to 5.9 and ran. amazing. i did that for a couple minutes, slowed down and went back to the incline walking. Then i went back down to 3% and ran for another couple minutes. amazing. 5 minutes is pitiful, but it is something.

i miss running. i hope i can get another bone density scan done in july- once it's been a year. and i hope it's improved. and i hope i can start running.

a

Natalie said "andi" today! if you ask her to say "aunt andi" then it comes out as "anna", which is also cute. previously she called me "a". (sounding like the being of 'aunt') So cute. she'd see me and say "a! a! a!" but tonight she finally said "Andi". My heart melted. I love that kid.

stupid feet

since my feet continue to cramp, forcing me to curl under my toes and walk on the outsides of my feet, and it feels like a sharp tearing of my tendon if i even TRY to straighten out my foot, (and- surprise, surprise- IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ELECTROLYTES) my dr wants to see me next week to see what's up. I'm glad he's going to have to take what I say seriously and not blame it away on the nonexistant ED like he wanted to explain everything away on before. I'm not letting him do that. It isn't fair.

Mom wonders if it's my spine- since my knees and ankles suck, too. If i should go to a chiropracter. I just gave her a weird look.

Maybe i'll get an answer out of Dr R about my ankles and knees. It's the age-old question though. No one has been able to tell me why my legs are built the way they are. They are twisted. My right one more than my left. my knees rotate in while my ankles rotate out. too much stress on my ankles and knees- hence the pain. i can figure that much out. but i dont know why they twist.
stupid body.

Poor Levi!

Levi crashed today. But he got a new bike and was able to finish the race. No major injuries.

Here's how they fix you up after crashing going 30 MPH...
http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2009/giro09/?id=/photos/2009/giro09/giro0911/bettiniphoto_0039018_1_full

... you continue to go 30 mph... while your doctor hangs halfway out of the car.

Now that's tough. I want to see a wimpy football player do that! Pansies.

Obama and ND make me sick.

“What it should do is have Notre Dame come clean. Is it Catholic or isn’t it? A Catholic institution, a Catholic university, cannot give honors to someone who is a promoter of things that are opposed to the most fundamental beliefs of Catholics, and so that’s what needs to happen.”

“rightly the source of the greatest scandal.”:
http://www.cardinalnewmansociety.org/CardinalNewmanSociety/tabid/36/ctl/Details/mid/435/ItemID/550/Default.aspx

"I think that Notre Dame has to either follow those norms or say ‘We’re not a Catholic university anymore.’”

I don't know how they have the audacity to claim they are Catholic. They give us a bad name. Does it give them pleasure to pose as Catholics while they mislead and negatively influence so many people? Why not just become a secular university and proclaim whatever they want, since they do that anyway.

This pisses me off.

Happy us after the victory

Us at GAME 7- right after we won(!!!!!). His friend Brad (left) looks like Brian Rafalski (one of the red wings) so we call him rafalski all the time now. My friend Stephanie is on the right.

Game 1 against Chicago is today at 3! I'm so excited to watch more hockey!

i'm blind, i'm deaf, i want to be a ref!

Osgood, our amazing goalie, and an octopus. Woohoo!!! There were 4 or 5 octopi on the ice before the national anthem was even over. and tons throughout the game.

KRONWALL! That's my guy!!!

The refs were HORRIBLE last night, by the way. The ducks were beating the wings up and the refs were just looking the other way. One of our announcers actually said "you've got to be shitting me". Redmond said our coach will probably be filing a complaint against the refs. It was really bad. The whole arena started chanting "BULL SHIT! BULLSHIT!" when the refs didn't call stuff. I mean- holmstom got roughed up and his helmet got knocked off. And pronger kept crosschecking holmstom in his back, right in front of the net, and no call. terrible!

I was really proud of our guys though. They didn't let the ducks get under their skin. No fighting or anything. Which was a relief. I'm curious to see if Babcock (our coach) does anything. I think if he doesn't then Redmond (our announcer) will. And I'm curious to see how the next series against Chicago goes- if the refs will be any fairer or not.

GAME 7!

holy cow!!! The game was amazing! the arena was packed and there was so much energy. it was a close game. we were leading the whole time until the 3rd peroid- the ducks tied it up 3-3. i was so nervous to go into overtime with them. with only a few minutes left, Cleary scored so we were up a goal. i still couldn't relax because the wings have a tendency of letting in a last minute goal. everyone was on their feet cheering and chanting ("ozzie, ozzie" "lets go red wings!" "pronger sucks!" etc) until the game was over. and we won.
amazing.

now we go on to play chicago.

shut up, stomach.

Ugghhh. I'm having one of my extra hungry days. I hate these days.

Im sore all over from a crazy awesome hard workout yesterday, so I keep telling myself my metabolism is boosted a little, and that's why I'm extra hungry today.
But none of me believes that.

updates: hockey, cycling, stupid

Hockey update:
wings lost last night against the ducks in game 6. this ties the series 3-3 creating a game 7.
this game 7- I GET TO GO TO!!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! i get to see kronwall tomorrow night! and we had 2 extra tickets, soi called my friend steph from highschool (HUGE hockey fan (and kronwall fan!)) and she 's coming with us. we still have an extra ticket but im sure we'll find someone.
so hopefully we win tomorrow... if not then play offs are over for us. which would be extremely sad, as we are defending champions. GO WINGS!

Cycling update:
Levi moved into 4th place today!!! even though i'm unable to watch it and can't see the other riders, i know Levi is more than capable of pulling off another win!! it goes until May 31st, though, so there's time.
Vande Velde crashed yesterday and broke 2 ribs. which is sad. He's not on Levi's team, but he's one of the few Americans.
Levi picture: http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2009/giro09/?id=/photos/2009/giro09/giro095/bettiniphoto_0038438_1_full
not many levi pictures since everyone is obessessed with Lance, which i find extremely annoying.

Philosophy update:
he changed our first exam to be take home. he posted it on the website today. its 50 multiple choice and true/false questions. open note. are you freaking kidding me? this is college?
whatever. im not complaining since this means i don't have to do any reading or any studying for it. i pretty much finished the exam in 30 minutes while watching philadephia win game 7 against washington (6-2. ouch!).

giro de italia

http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2009/giro09/?id=/photos/2009/giro09/giro093/DV506446

the pictures on this website are copyrighted, so i can't post the picture- but there they are! levi (middle) and lance (left)!

love them!

Woo!

I LOVE HOCKEY AND CYCLING!

microscopes

I need to review bacteria!!

Yesterday, JoAnn had them try to read out their plates. Not to ID anything, just say what it looked like (they took samples from a body part- most did their arm or mouth). So she asked me to help them report it out to her and she's like "don't worry, you don't need to ID it for them"

i saw the small pinpoint white colonies on a couple plates and i was kicking myself that i couldn't remember what grew like that right away. (Staph epi.)
So for the second lab, i remembered a lot better and told a few people they had staph epi growing before she mentioned it, which was cool. i recognizing other things, too, by the end. But i really want to be a lot sharper on this stuff like i used to be. Its just hard because it's been a year since i had that lab.

Showed them how to do gram stains. And then i was paranoid during the second lab becuase they are non-MLS majors (pre med, pharm, nursing), so they don't know how to use our really good microscopes. JoAnn had casually mentioned that they'd need to go on oil with 100x, but i knew none of them knew what that meant, and if you get oil on any of the other objectives, it's a very bad thing, so i spent a lot of time teaching microscope usage. i don't think anyone hurt any of them.


i slept until 11:15 this morning! amazing.
not sure what to do today.
work, for sure, but beyond that... i don't know!
i guess the gym, but i'd rather stay here to workout. I got spoiled w. my parents gone.. bummer.

stopping by

luckily the day following the 3 hours of my stupid class went better.
went to yoga, worked out a little. was going to lift today but decided against it since i was running short on time.

Got up to the lab to see Joann (the lab instructor im TAing for). She didn't know i was doing this, so she got REALLY excited to find out she had help for the summer. I helped her set up the benches and but the extra stock away. I prepped around 50 plates to incubate for Wednesday. Cleaned up between the two labs and reset everything up, cleaned everything up afterwards. Today's labs were slow since it was the intro lab, so i wasn't needed for much. I did stay for both labs, which i probably won't end up needing to do every time, but i did today since it was the first day and i needed to talk to joann after class. She definitely needs me for the first lab, though.
It was fun. I got to demonstrate how to streak a plate to one half of the room. Wooho! easy. but its fun because i know all but 3 or 4 people from the first lab, and from the 2nd, i know two of the guys really well (they're anatomy TAs with me). and its not as stressful as anatomy.
So i'm excited. i was there for almost 5 hours and it flew by really quickly. Which is good when you're getting paid.


Ryann is still without a phone, and she's picking mom and dad up from the airport tomorrow. I stopped by her house on my way home tonight (i still can't really believe that i can simply STOP BY her house now!!!) and gave her my cell phone to use in case flights change or something. i was trying to explain to her how to use it- check voicemail and whatnot if mom calls and she misses it. she seemed a little flustered.
I stayed there for almost 3 hours talking to her (joseph's out of town this week). It was a good way to end the day.

tomorrow's plan is to get up, workout at home, therapy, and then my real job for as long as i can stand being there. Mom asked me to make dinner tomorrow, and i have no idea what im going to do, or if i'll even be home from work yet because i dont know exactly when they'll get home. So that's annoying. we dont have much in the house right now... i could give them tuna salad or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. or eggs. we have some apples left. Thats what ive been doing so i don't have to go grocery shopping. haha. i dont think they'd appreciate that as much as i dont mind it, though. oh well.


ew. i have to read for philosophy tomorrow, too... bummer.

Oy.

philosophy is the worst class ever.

"how can we know that separate minds aside from ours exist?" "how do we know the external world exists?" "how do i know my body exists?"

um, because we aren't stupid!

the only interesting point was when he started talking about brains and dendrites and synapses. otherwise, i either wanted to fall asleep or laugh at him.

this is going to be a very painful 7 weeks.

why not devote time to important things?

i don't know. it's annoying. definitely not how my brain is wired because this seems like the most useless waste of a class.

but then again, how do i know that i am even in this class, or that this class even exists? maybe my school doesn't even exist and I'm still at home sleeping. maybe my home doesn't exist. maybe sleep doesn't exist. maybe it's all an illusion.

what bullshit.

(maybe bullshit doesn't exist, either (therefore, this class does not exist).)

low

Grades are posted.
4.0's in immunology, parasit/mycology/virology lecture and lab
3.9 in hematology lab
3.8 in hematology

a 3.8?????

disappointing.


maybe one day i wont be so hard on myself and will think that a 3.8 is good enough. but it isn't good enough.
it was a 3.9 overall for the semester, so my total gpa is still stuck at 3.9
i want it to go up.

stupid 3.8

reminder

The sleep tech had to wake me up at 6:30 this morning. His shift was over. He was able to take some of the electrodes off, and then he said i had to stay awake until the first nap scheduled at 8. then he left the room.

I got a little freaked out and started crying a little. It reminded me too much of Rogers.
being sound asleep, then someone opening the door and turning the lights on at 6:30 without warning, telling you its time to get up. whether you like it or not.

aside from me being annoyingly over sensitive, the rest of the time was fine. Just boring. I read twilight front to back, if thats any indication of how much time i had.

i actually fell asleep during today's naps. at least for sure during the first one (the other three, i dont remember falling asleep but the time went really quickly so i probably dozed off)- which is odd for me. i didn't sleep during the day in the one i had 3 years ago. so i'm interested to see what type of sleep i got during my naps. i had a [bad] dream during first one, so i guess i got to REM. wouldn't it be weird if i had normal narcolepsy now too? haha.

i have to wait until July 9th before i find out. that was the soonest i could get in again (because dr V is the best dr ever!)

post

i'm kind of concerned how tired i am without provigil... i couldn't take it this morning because of the sleep study tonight.

i have to leave in less than an hour and i need to pack breakfast and lunch for tomorrow. and something to do all day tomorrow that doesn't require too much effort since i'll be dealing with a caffiene headache..

these things are boring.

angry

I feel really really angry right now.

my neck still hurts and im angry. and i'm angry that my bumper is dented. and im angry at that punk ass kid who doesn't know how to stop his stupid car.

and im angry because if that pickup truck wasnt there in between us, then the boy's giant monster truck of a car would have gone on top of my little saturn and crushed it.

so im angry because i shouldnt have a headache right now and my car should be fine.

i think this is my residual freak out. because it was fucking scary there today. and i didnt let myself freak out then. and i couldnt at work and i couldnt when we were out at dinner.

so of course late at night, im angry, sore, and crying and upset over something that happened 12 hours ago. Great, Andi. Really great. i need to just grow up and go to bed.

red = stop

I was at a red light today, right in front of the highschool. and there a pick up truck behind me. and then all of a sudden i hear a crash and then her car hits my car. Because apparently stupid high school boys don't know that red lights mean you have to stop, especially when there are cars in front of you. They're all invincible and stuff, right? STUPID!

So the three of us pull off into the parking lot and teacher from the school saw this and they came over to help us out, and they call the police and the fire department so that the EMTs can check us out. they kept asking if me and the other girl wanted to go to the hospital because we both had headaches, but we both declined. i was shaken up more than anything.
it took about an hour for everything to be done and i went to work but i was still shaken up and my head still hurt. and by that time i only had an hour i could spend at work because i had to get to Nathan's, so that was annoying.

my car is okay (her truck wasn't, by any means). my bumper got a little smashed, but nothing major.
it was pretty scary.

it's my dad's birthday. so i called him and said "happy birthday, guess what just happened."
what every father wants to hear, right? :-P

oh well.

it was really nice to see melissa tonight, if only for a couple hours. :)
at least the day ended well.

Work or sleep?

I'm sick of my job at HQ. I was going to leave an hour ago but I'm still home. I can always find something more fun to do than going there. Even taking out the garbage and laundry. haha.

after work Nathan and I are going to meet up with Meli!!! She's in town for a conference. I haven't seen her in at least 4 years. Crazy.

So it should be a good night.

No homework or exams looming over my shoulder either. Always a plus.


I'm really tired again today.
I could easily take a nap right now.
I slept 9 hours and had 2 cups of coffee.

Explain that to me.

Done for now

i'm done.

i crammed for virology, but i've learned a system for studying for her exams.
i think i only got 2 wrong. awesome.

i start again on Monday.
philosphy (gag) 830-1150, then micro lab TA from 5-9.

12 1/2 hour days on campus Monday and Wednesday.
Gross.

paranoid

I need to go to bed. I'm tired and I could have been asleep hours ago.

But I'm so paranoid.

Ryann said I could stay at their apartment while mom and dad are in Florida, and i want to take her up on that, but it doesn't make sense during my last two finals since i wouldn't be able to study very well with the girls being there in such a small apartment. and then the next couple nights i have plans and will be out late-ish and i dont want to bother them or possibly wake the girls up or anything by coming in late. Friday they move into their new house (!!!) i might ask to stay there with them that night. Saturday night i'll be in the hospital so i'll be okay, maybe i'll stay there sunday and monday night. mom and dad will be home on Tuesday.

Reason im paranoid? my neighbor.

last week, around midnight i saw really bright flashlights in my backyard as i was watching tv waiting to get sleepy. i freaked out, turned off the tv and the lights and watched to see who was out there. It was a cop, with a dog, walking around my backyard, apparently looking for someone. he then went into the front yard, so i went up to my room to look out my bedroom window and get a better view. Two cop cars in my driveway and one in the street. I cracked my window open to try to hear them. all i could hear was "if you dont find anything in a half hour, lets clear out" two of the cops left, leaving the one with the dog to continue to circle the house, looking in the trees, the bushes, between our cars, in the barn, the shed, everywhere. I followed him around, going from window to window, upstairs and downstairs. he finally left, walking down our road (i live at the dead end of a dirt road), and he didn't come back.

i told my dad the next morning (who wasn't happy that i didnt wake him up that night) and he called the police to see what was up and all they told him was that it was a missing persons report. which seemed odd to us.
The next morning, mom and casey saw a cop car in our neighbors driveway while on their way to church. that night, or maybe it was Monday, i was in our living room on the computer. (our living room is in the front of the house and has a huge window). it was shortly after midnight and i saw the stupid flashlight again. the cop was on our front deck and he clearly saw me. he knocked on the door. i motioned i'd be there in a minute and ran upstairs to wake up my dad. Dad went down and talked to him and he said he wanted to warn us about our neighbor, mark (who is my age). Said he's "whacked" (cops words) and that he's been in and out of the hospital, but they can only keep him there for 24 hours at a time. the rest of the time he's been hiding out and they've tracked him to our yard. Cop said hes found him between our cars. probalby in our back woods, too, i'm assuming. he didn't go into too much detail. He just said that at the moment he was in a hospital but that he'd be released again soon. he said to make sure we lock our cars and the house all the time. that was all he said.

every night, around midnight, i make sure all of the lights are off and i listen for cars and watch for flashlights. usually im ok, but now that im home alone i'm a little freaked out.

Ryann said the other week, before any of this was going on, her and joseph took a walk in our woods and she found what looked to be a fire pit. she said there was a flower pot that was dug into the ground (she thought it looked like a makeshift toilet, but didnt want to dig to find out. ha). we haven't been in our woods in forever. we dont use flowerpots. we've never had a fire back there.
Ryann told dad, who thought she was too imaginative and dismissed it. ("now i know where Avery gets her imagination from")

Ryann told me that after i told her about the cops and Mark. Apparently only Ryann and I see the connection.

I'm not scared that Mark is going to hurt us in any way. I dont see why he would since we haven't even seen or spoken to him in years. but still, i'm afraid he's in our woods, i'm afraid he can see me when im here. once it gets dark i keep all of the lights out so he can't see in (assuming he's there).

the cops haven't been back, at least i haven't seen them. so i'm guessing this is a good sign. but still. where did he go?

Ryann said i could stay with them.. but like i said, it doesn't make sense until Friday night. Maybe thursday.

Jessica and i were planning on having her spend the night a couple times while mom and dad are gone. but i dont want to bring her here when im already paranoid about being here.

i know im crazy for worrying. but it's unnerving not knowing what's going on with him. he was a trouble maker as we were growing up. so i know what he's capable of as a boy... i can't imagine him as a 23 year old.

i dont like it.

viruses

i feel really pressured to get a 100% on my final tomorrow. since i've done that on two of her exams already (only counting this semester), and i'll be a TA for her and doing research with her all summer. I feel like anything less than at least a 95% (or at least the top score again) would be failure to her. which i know is illogical, but still. i feel like Dr R expects a lot out of me.... especially now.

viruses are just too complex for being so tiny.
and there are too many of them.
and.. i'm tired and don't really care about viruses.

But I'm going to get 100% tomorrow.
I have to.

Tired

i feel like ive been run over with a truck.

i know it's finals week so i'm stressed and that zaps energy... but i also think it was a mistake to switch my meds around this week. I didnt think of that earlier. im not sure if its the nightly rozerem or the decreased pamelor.

i'm so tired. body tired. achey tired.

immunology is over.
i just have virology left.

it shouldn't be too bad, as long as i can wake up enough to keep studying.
its only 9... I can't decide if i just go to bed and try waking up early tomorrow to study instead of trying to study more tonight.
the final is at noon..

maybe i'll shower tonight and pack up my stuff up for tomorrow so that i'll have more time in the morning to study.
i'll try to study a little bit more tonight after im done with that. then get up early.

i guess that makes the most sense.


immuno final was alright. i should have trusted him that the only short answers were going to be the pathophysiology of the diseases. i didn't trust him when he said that (because he's been so weird this semester) so i wasted a lot of time preparing for a lot of other things to be short answers when they weren't. Only good thing about that is that it made the multiple choice a lot easier.

one more to go.
just one more.

i can do this.

immunology

Immuno final at 330 today.

i'm sooo tired of this subject.

i know i need to bite the bullet and start hardcore studying.
it's not like i haven't looked over this stuff before... i have been all weekend, so i know i'm not cramming... but it always feels like it.

sleep

It's hard to wake up in the morning. I love rozerem, I'm finally falling asleep at night. It's beautiful. But because I've been so sleep deprived lately, by body doesn't want to wake up once it is finally sleeping.
My neurologist switched my meds around. Dr V and Dr H both think that the pamelor is causing my fast heart rate, so Dr V dropped me down to only 10mg at night (to hopefully get me to stage 3 and 4) and is having me taking rozerem every night (to actually fall asleep). I hadn't been taking it much because i was afraid it would stop working but he says that isn't possible with this stuff. So... awesome. I'm a fan of falling asleep at a decent time.

I'm also a fan of this semester being over. Too bad it isn't, yet.

Hematology final yesterday? Blech. It's over, that's all I can say.

Immuno and virology left next week. It'll be a fun weekend...

Sleep study

I saw my neurologist today. He's the best doctor ever.
Because I am still sleepy when I wake up, he wonders if I'm still not getting stage 4. Since it's been 3 years since my other two sleep studies, I'm getting another done May 2nd to find out if there has been any change with the 3 years of treatment. I'm hoping there has been a change... then i'll have hope for when I'm pregnant and cant' take anything.

Sleep studies are okay, but I'm going to have a major caffeine headache on the 3rd because I have to stay there until mid afternoon so they can do my narcolepsy test again. Oy. But I'm excited and curious to know the results.

I finished my paper this morning and read through for the first time in the waiting room. It's horrible! The article I did it on was confusing, so it took me a long time to figure out what the researches even did. Ugh. It's due tomorrow.
I also have my hematology final tomorrow morning at 9.

Tonight Nathan and I are going to see Fr Ben to do initial marriage things. (ahh!! we're getting married!!!!! :D )


I am super stressed out

i didn't know when finals were when i schedule both of those things for today. I would have not done that had i known...

neurons

Avery tends to ask tons of questions and soaks up knowledge like crazy. So whenever she asks a question we typically send her to someone in the family that would best be able to explain things.

So I'm up in my room studying and I hear this little knock on the door, "aunt andi?"
I opened the door for her and she says "i have a question... what are neurons?"
and i know she must have seen my background on the computer which is neurons (the same one in my current facebook picture) and asked someone what that was and was sent up to my room to ask aunt andi.

I tried to figure how to explain it, because i know i don't have to dumb things down too much with her, but still, i have to because she is only 5. I told her that they start in her brain and go all the way to her fingertips and toes, and that they send messages from the brain.
She looked puzzled, so I said, "okay, say you want to move your finger. So your brain says 'move my finger' and the neuron will tell your finger to move and then POOF! it moves!"
"ooh, that's neat!"
then i said, "and, when I tickle your belly (which i started to do) then neurons tell your brain that aunt andi is tickling your belly and you feel the tickle!"
"ooooh, so it's like my brain is talking!"
"exactly!"
"is there only one neuron in my brain? or are there more than one?"
"there are billions and billions!"
"whoa! so that's why there is more than one in the picture then?"
"yup!"
"cool"


awesome. Avery thinks neurons are cool. and she understood that her brain is talking.
I have high hopes for her!

Jobs!

Today has been great.

I got to my LAST lecture and we got our mycology lab finals back, and I got one wrong, but I'm assuming she threw that question out because I got 100% on it. So... awesome! Anyway, I was going to go the gym directly after our LAST lecture, but I started talking to Karen in the hallway and we ended up sitting on the floor talking for over 2 hours, which was fun. So then Dr R (who teaches pretty much half of my classes) walks down the hallway and I asked her if she still needed a TA for the microbiology lab this summer (i had asked her this a while back and she said to talk to her about it later). She said yes, and then paused and said "I also need an assistant for research this summer, would you be interested in that?" I asked what was involved in it, and it sounded fun. And she said it'll be about 10 hrs a week and she's still waiting on the grant to go through, but she's pretty sure it will so I'll get paid for doing this. She also said if I needed credit, I could TA for credit. i told her that i have plenty of credits and just wanted to volunteer. then she told me that she's pushing for it to be paid because the one class is pretty large and Dr O really needs help with it, plus there are two seperate classes and they're twice a week. And she's pretty sure she can work something out to get money to pay me for doing it.

So... AWESOME!!!

It's SO nice to finally be recognized for my hard work. Out of all of my classmates, she asked me to help her with research!?

And this is perfect, because it means I won't have to quit at HQ (which i would have felt pressured to do if I worked at the hospital lab), so I'll still have HQ in the fall (unless Dr R wants me to continue research with her in fall-which in that case, screw HQ, I'm working on research in a micro lab!). Plus it's fricking amazing experience, will be really good for my resume and interviews this summer, plus she'd be able to write me a letter of recommendation after knowing my work ethic and how I work in a lab setting, not just as a professor-student point of view, which will also be awesome.

Dr R said to get ahold of her after finals because by then she'll know more about the grant and the possiblity of getting paid to TA and stuff. So nothing is final, and last minute the grant might not go through or something, but it sounds really promising and i'm really excited about it.

It's the perfect situation. Because I actually hate the hospital that I would have gotten a job with (beaumont is horrible!) and I know that if i had to do my internship there and not St Johns that I'd cry my eyes out and hate the whole thing. So if i can avoid beaumont... then GREAT!

denied.

I want to cut really badly today. but it's getting warmer, and i can't keep hiding in hoodies and long pants. and the dress im wearing tomorrow is knee lenght and doesn't have sleeves. so my arms and calves are out, which feel the best and are my two favorite places.

i hate caring.

i should eat lunch. but everyone is here (about to eat lunch) and i'm anxious and I don't want to eat in front of everyone.

Blech. I want to go back to bed.

zzz

drug induced sleep tonight. it's been awhile. but i gave in.

eyes

i'm having a really really really really bad body image moment. i'm trying really hard not to freak out. i dont know how to handle this because i feel like nothing is ever going to change.

so i'm going to talk about dissections, because that's what i do.

i tried to dissect a face today, but the one face was really dried out because our school is cheap and we didn't have a body bag for that one. so i went to dissect the male's face (which we had a body bag for), but one of the students working on that body was really weirded out by that and asked me not to. after she left, dr Forbes and i got sidetracked with the eye muscles, so we started trying to find those. then i wanted to cut the eye out, which i've never done before. it was weird. really weird. it took awhile because i was afraid it was going to burst, even though everyone kept telling me that's not possible. Dr forbes pushed on it and said "you could run it over with your car and it wouldn't burst" ok ok, so i cut out around it and cut the optic nerve to free it, which was tricky because i couldn't see what i was doing and if i was down far enough, but i was, so i got it out. and it was cool. i wanted to do more, and i want to do a cross section, possibly, just to see. but the next class was about to start so we had to put everything away.

dr forbes is cool. he loves dissecting, too, and encourages me to dissect whatever i want. he laughs and said, "andi, me and you have the same sickness" i'm going to miss him.

eight

oh, disregard my last post- when i said I'll have 6 classes this fall.
i had forgotten to count one, and then i realized today that i didn't register for molecular genetics, so i now have 8 classes this fall. and somehow that's only 15 credits.

crazy.

(and don't blame me for the amount of classes, this is how the program is set up, this is not by my choice)

new job?

One of my professors told us that one of the local hospitals is hiring microbiology assistants. All they do is streak the agar plates, do gram stains, and set up the biochemical tests. So... I just called the lady and left a message saying I was interested in applying. And I'm so nervous!!!

I want to go into work this morning, but I'm afraid she'll call while I'm at work, and it will be awkward talking to her while I'm there, but I'm going to want to pick up right away. Maybe I could rush to get outside.

And if I get the job, then there's the dilemma of what to do with my current job next fall. During the summer, I could probably do both. I'm not sure how many hours the hospital would want me to work. They're flexible with school schedules, but I'm not sure how many hours I could handle with a full load of classes. I'll have 6 classes in the fall (3 lectures, 3 labs). If I work in micro, then I wouldn't be able to handle my current job on top of that. But, my current job is so flexible since I make my own hours, have a key, and most of the time go in on the weekends when they're closed when i have 3 or 4 hours to spare. the Health Quest job is perfect, even though i'm completely sick of it. So i don't want to let that go. But maybe i could just work in micro for the summer, then just stick with my current job for the fall... Or I could quit at health quest, and try to work in the micro lab during the fall semester... I DON'T KNOW!!!

I know I don't have to worry about this, since I haven't even talked to the lady yet... but I'm just nervous about the whole thing. I've never had a "real" interview or a "real" job. I mean... I had an interview for health quest, but Robb is so laid back, it wasn't too bad (although it was at 6am!). I feel like HQ is kind of a joke job sometimes... even though I know it isn't. but working in a hospital!?!!?!? That's major.

So i'm really excited about the possibility of working there, but also completely freaked out.

MASH

one more quick thought, then im off to study.

There was a MASH marathon on Saturday, and I watched it for a long time as I 'studied' and was in all my glory. But I couldn't help but notice that most of the commercials were geared towards old people (dentures, depends, medicare).
So.. is that who they think will be most likely to be watching MASH? Old people? I know quite a few people my age who watch it...

i found it funny though

oh! one of the episodes was when Radar left the show. it was SO sad! :( i think my mom was crying. i felt close to it but i didn't...

hi, my name is andi, i'm 22 and i'm addicted to MASH.
:)

labs

I'm completely unmotivated at the moment. I have my mycology lab final today at 2:30, and I have a class at 1. It's already after 10 and I haven't started studying today yet. I know I need to. This is worth almost half of my grade. But... I just don't really enjoy mycology very much. I miss bacteria and stuff. even parasites weren't bad compared to this stuff.

I guess it won't be bad. I just have to memorize which ones are hyaline and which ones are dematiaceous and which one belongs to what group. I know about the dyes and the slide preps and I know about the flu testing procedure we did on the last day of lab. So all of that I'm okay with for the most part. I'm nervous about the identification though. at least it's multiple choice. and i don't think she'll have two species of aspergillus as a choice, so if i can at least figure out that it is some species of aspergillus then I should be fine.

I don't know. I'm just happy that I'll be done with this lab today and i will be done with hematology lab tomorrow- and that final shouldn't be too hard, but it is accumulative. /shrug/

i think i'm too drained to care at this point.

stupid system

i'm so frustrated with scholarship eligibility.

no one seems to care if you have good grades. no one cares that i have a 3.9gpa. noo big deal.
i'm not foreign, i'm not going into accounting, education, engineering or nursing. so apparently, I don't exist.

too bad i'm an american citizen.

annoying.

porphyria

i was watching house tonight (finding judas) and the diagnosis was erythropoietic protoporphyria. which i totally know about thanks to hematology! (she didnt ask about that on the exam though... weird)

i love learning. :)



oh! and apparently the pancreaus in our male cadaver is missing. either one of the TAs accidently cut it out thinking it wasn't an organ or he had it removed? i figure we should tell the students he had it removed so that we don't look bad. haha.
I'm not sure who was working on the male that would have done that. Natalie has been doing this longer than i have, so i know it wasn't her. weird.

more dissections

our 90 year old female cadaver still has her uterus. This is the first time since I've TA'd for anatomy lab that I've seen one still in the body. It's crazy awesome. She also had an artifical valve put in so she has stitches in her heart and the valve feels weird. Nathan cut into a chamber and dug out this blood chunck that is so hard we can't cut through it w. the scaples. It's so strange. It's like a rock of blood. Her left kidney looked like a sheep, according to Emily, so we named it Radar (after one of my old sheep). Other than that, both bodies were pretty normal this semester. I didn't get a good look at either of them because I was busy on the ribcages (yay!), but I don't remember anyone else saying anything was strange.

I ran into one of the students at the rec today. I asked how she did on the exam last week (98%!). She asked about becomming a TA. I said I'd put in a good word for her, and that we'll need new ones since me and a few others aren't doing it anymore, and not everyone is doing it over the summer. She was pretty excited. I like her. I'm glad that we finally have a bunch of students who are excited about anatomy like everyone should be.



some of my dissections are going to be in dr B's new anatomy book i helped with! pretty excited about that.

surprise!

Aw!!

So Nathan and I were going to meet his sister, Bethany, for dinner tonight. we got there, and his whole family, my parents, ryann, joseph and the girls, and a few of our friends were all there for a surprise engagement party! It was so much fun! Bethany is really thoughtful. :o)

The girls are going to be over early tomorrow morning while ryann and joseph are at the house inspection. that should be fun. :) but i should probably get to bed soon...

Moving on

holy.cow.

hematology exam this morning was sooo hard, but aside from a few stupid questions, I think I did really well!! Dr williams told Jayme and I that we were probably overstudying, but I didn't feel that way at all. this was one of the most challenging, but the most rewarding exams Ive taken. This isn't something I"m going to forget in a week. This stuff is trapped in my head. I was trying to explain some of the questions to mom and then i realized she was only listening to be polite, and that everything i was saying was way over her head, and that was after i had been trying to simplify...

This morning Jayme and I were studying in the computer lab before the exam (we were the only two in there) and my parasit/mycology prof came in and said to us "the two top students shouldn't be studying together.. you guys should spread the knowledge around" then she looked at me and said "you should study with some of your friends in mycology" i said "why, what did i get on the exam yesterday?" she said "oh, i dont know, 100% or something like that"

eeeeeeeee!

have i mentioned i'm going to TA the microbiology lab with that professor over the summer? I volunteered- because I like micro, it'll be a good refresher, i wont' be TAing anatomy lab anymore (THANK GOODNESS!!) and for a side bonus- it'll look good for my internship inteviews in july. So that's good. I'm glad I'm proving myself to her. I told her I was worried about the mycology lab practical exam because everything that i'm supposed to see isn't what i'm seeing. so she said if i had problems monday to make sure i ask her to make sure im seeing the right things.


Oy. I started studying the next section of hematology- which is white blood cell disorders/cancers. Gross! I miss my red blood cells!!! it doesn't helped that i was completely zoned on one of the WBC lectures because it was the morning after the immunology exam and i was so stressed about hematologly and mycology that i couldnt' focus, then tuesday, i went to work that morning instead of lecture. so i got the notes from Jayme today during anatomy lab (luckily they had an exam there so we didnt have to do anything). So yeah, studying the new stuff was so foreign to me. But we have until april 23rd for our exam on this stuff, so i think i'll be fine by then.


my head is mush!

but! i get to dissect tomorrow! I get to dissect 2 sets of ribcages! those are my favorites. :)

and... i get to workout tomorrow... for the first time in NINE DAYS. (FREAKING OUT!)