awake

i'm having a hard time tonight.

This happens every once in awhile. I think the last time was when Nathan and I were in Maryland- at my sister's house.

It happens right as I"m on the brink of falling asleep- i get really panicky then jolt awake. last time the only thing that helped was cutting. which i felt guilty about because Nathan was sleeping near me and I could have woken him up instead.
i tried tonight and i was surprised he actually picked up. but he was only awake because he said he has the worst headache he's ever had. i felt bad unloading stuff on him, and he needed to go. i'm not mad at him, so i feel rotten saying this but DAMN IT. that was the first time i actually called someone at 1am because i needed help. so many people say "call me, no matter how late it is". and i always say "okay, thanks" but i know i'll never do it, because i HATE waking people up. and i hate asking to talk. and i usually would rather cut. so i'm frustrated that it backfired.
but on the other hand, i'm kinda worried for him. headaches shouldn't be that bad. especially when he doesn't have a history of them.
he said he thinks it's starting to feel better. i don't know if he said that for my sake though.

so now i'm stuck. i'm not calling anyone else, but i don't dare try to close my eyes voluntarily. which means i have to keep myself awake until it's physically impossible not to. maybe that way i'll fall asleep without panicking.

i've tried thinking different things. hoping that it would lead me to a different dream, and away from the panic. i can't even describe the thoughts that come with the panic. just that every comepletely off topic thought process leads me right back to it.

i hate these nights.
i don't want to give in. but i do need to sleep.
i tried a healthy alternative... i'm not sure where that leaves me.