Counting down

Two more days until i get the density results back...

i am beyond nervous.

the good thing about Friday is that directly after the dr appt, we're going to the warp tour. and Saosin, one of my all time favorite bands, will be there. So if the news is bad, i can listen to them and let the music help to heal (and distract) me. If the news is good i can go and celebrate.


physics exam tomorrow.
i need to go and finish studying.
not too worried about it.
i just need to go through the practice exam.

waiting

had my bone density scan today.

i dont know how many times and in how many ways i had to say i did not want my wrist scanned before they finally let me not have it done.

all i had last summer was my hip and my spine. all my dr needs to know is if there has been improvement within this year. since i have no previous results of my wrist denisty, that would mean nothing.

besides, i don't go running on my hands.

the lady didn't believe me that I didn't have my wrist scanned last summer. then she asked how many stress fractures i've had. and i said "a lot". she needed me to be more specific (why, i have no idea). so i said 4 in my femurs. "are you sure in your femurs?" "yes" "how far apart were those." "all within a year" "you're sure it was your femurs?" "Yes."
She asked how many in my tibias. i just laughed at her. I have no idea. I lost track. I said probably 3 or 4 in the last couple years but that i used to get them a lot back when i was actually running a lot (and im not confusing them with shin splints). i told her about my 3rd metatarsel fracture when i was 17, too.

When i was leaving she asked "now, you're sure it was your femurs?"

Ok, seriously? I had already told her I had osteopenia. Her job is doing this test, so I'm sure she's seen people come in with stress fractures all over the place. If i have weak bones, why is it THAT hard to believe it was my femurs?
No lady, i meant fibula. i have no concept of anatomy.

anyway.
i was fighting back tears the whole time i was there. i was so NERVOUS. i still am.
i have to wait until next Friday- a full week- before I see my dr again.

There are 4 possible outcomes:

1) My bones are weaker than last year. Very very unlikely. But I would be completely unconsolable.

2) My bones are the same as last year. Is a possibility. Pretty much unconsolable with this outcome, too.

3) My bones are stronger, but still osteopenic. Better than Outcomes 1 and 2, because at least there will be improvement- which gives me some hope. I will still be upset though, if it means I can't run.

4) My bones are no longer osteopenic and I have the green light to run. Obviously, the best Outcome. But I fear this is as unlikely as Outcome 1. It's been one year. How much can bones change in one year?


I'm trying to relax.
But I'm just so nervous.


I don't have the strength in me to be dealt another blow of bad news. I'm already broken from my neurologist appt.
I can't handle any more.

go away

ive been too sensitive lately.

crying over the littlest thing.

my mood has dropped.

and it's taking less and less to set me over the edge.


i haven't even wanted to talk to anyone today.
i just want to be alone.


so.
now what.

TdF (what else?)

Levi! I like this picture.

I don't know how I'm doing. I'm mostly just numb right now. Trying to focus on getting through each day- it's enough to keep my mind occupied. I need a break though. I need to put life on PAUSE. Just for a moment. Please. Just for a moment.


Luckily it's July, and that means the Tour de France! I love it.
It's kind of slow... None of the break aways are really much danger to the overall leaders and the overall times haven't changed in quite awhile. Team Astana (with Levi and Lance) are basically dominating the tour and no one wants to attack them until the Alps- which starts next Tuesday. It'll get really exciting in the Alps!
Right now, Astana riders are in 2nd (6 seconds back), 3rd (lance- 8 seconds back), 4th (Levi 39 seconds back), and 6th place (54 seconds back). Not too shabby. But yeah- kind of boring (*gasp* did I just say that?). Only boring because not much has been happening lately. There have been a lot of flat stages- more than I remember there being. And flat stages--- nothing really happens except exciting sprint finishes (Cavendish has won all of them). They were only in the Pyrenees for I think 3 stages... so that's weird. I'm looking forward to the Alps.




Instead of LIVEstrong... I like it better as LEVIstrong. ;)

.

I'm having a bad day.

no rest

i'm tired.
and i'm worn out.

and i can't handle too much more right now.

unfortunatly, i have a physics exam tomorrow.
and i still have a lot of studying to do.

but i just came back from therapy... so now all i feel up to doing is curing up in bed and closing my eyes.

...

defeated

will my body ever be healthy?

i seem to get sick whenever i start having kick ass workouts. i guess if im not getting stage 4 sleep ever, i'm wearing it out even more. how cna you have an immune system if you never actually sleep?

3 people have commented on how often ive been getting sick lately.


i've had my fill of appts. i want to be done.
between the sport medicine dr for my legs/feet, the PT 3x a week, therapy every 2 weeks, and my neurologist, i have to go to the dentist at some point, i have to get my thyroid levels checked and see my primary care dr about my thyroid meds, i still need to schedule my bone density scan (which im avoiding), and now i have to call up the heart doctor and then make an appt. with a sleep specialist that works along side w. my neurologist because he wants to bring someone else in on my case because he's pretty much stumped.

plus i have 2 jobs and an accelerated physics 2 class that i suck at. oh, plus i need to workout for my "sanity" (when im not sick with a 102.5 degree temp), and sleep, even though that seems like a waste of time since I dont actually sleep when I'm "sleeping". (FUCK YOU, BODY!) And the tour de france to watch (which might sound dumb, but i wasn't home to watch it last year so it's been 2 years since i've gotten to do this and be this excited. This is my one thing i enjoy every summer. i AM going to watch it). oh, plus i have a fiance, friends, and a family to spend time with. and a wedding to plan. and my internship interviews to prepare for and set up.

no big deal, right?

i'm feeling really defeated.
i was so hopeful that my brain rewired itself and that i was getting good sleep.
Not even with the meds is that happening. I was so hopeful i'd have a chance of coming off my meds. of being okay when nathan and i decide to have children and i get pregnant. how will i be okay?









how am i ever going to be a mommy?

bad day.

I"m having a bad day.
NOt only did i wake up with a 101.5 degree fever, a nose oozing green goo and my bronchitis cough reappearing, I had an appt. with my neurologist about the sleep study results.

I still don't get any stage 4 and hardly any stage 3 sleep. i'm primarly in stage 2, which isn't really anything worthwhile. His concern over my weird heart beat/rate/rhythems is preventing him from tweaking medications at all. Anything else he wants to try affects the heart, increasing anything that I'm on affects the heart. So he wants me to see an electrophysiologist ASAP to get my heart checked out by an expert. to rule out any problems with it. until that happens he won't adjust the meds.

I thought after 3 years of treatment SOMETHING would have changed in my brain. I was so hopeful. Why am I ever hopeful going into see a doctor for results? Don't I know better by now???
I've been putting off the bone density scan because I'm scared.

i need a new brain and a new heart and new bones.
is that too much to ask for?

them bones, them bones

So I dissected a pig tonight. Nic, my dad and i got most of the meat off of it so people could eat. Then after that I went back at it and had fun. Pigs have more bones than we do. and more vertebrae and ribs. I was fascinated!!! I thought it would be cool to take all of the bones and recreate the skeleton, but people thought i was weird already so I only took some of the bones (both scapulae, half of the pelvis, vertebrae, ribs, and some random leg/arm bones that seemed odd. I think one was a tibia and one was a fibula, but then there were bones going even lower than that so it made no sense!!! It was fun.

So now i have 2 ziplock bags full of pig bones in the fridge. I'm going to have fun tomorrow!!!

old thoughts

Yesterday didn't go so well. I couldn't stand the feeling of food in my stomach. I got panicky if I felt full at all, or didn't feel hungry. I didn't manage to have any lunch or snacks. I just couldn't get myself to do it.

We went out to eat last night with all of Nathan's family, plus his aunt, uncle and cousin from TN. 13 in all. I didn't manage to eat much, but I don't think anyone noticed, except maybe his one sister who kept eyeing me a little.

I don't know where that came from. I have my theories, but I'm really not sure.
I think part of it is that I've finally lost a little bit of weight (the healthy way), and it felt good to fit into some old clothes again, and it kind of brought me back to how it was when i started losing all of the weight really rapidly (not that i lost the weight rapidly this time).
Plus i was weighing myself every morning for awhile. I need to not do that. I hadn't done that for well over a year and a half. And I don't know why I started. Curiosity, maybe.

But it scared me- two ways. First, the thought scared me- the thought that I used to have every waking moment of my life for a really long time. And second, because part of me didn't care... and was excited by it.


I've managed to eat today. Going to a pig roast at Nathan's sister's tonight, though. And so I'm not sure what to expect, and I hate not being able to plan my meals ahead to know how to have the rest of my day go. I usually figure the whole day out in the morning so I can get everything together right then and there. And I can't do that tonight. Because I have no idea what i'll be able to eat there. I still have half of my day's worth of calories to go, though, and only dinner and an evening snack to go (if i end up breaking it up that way). I've just been nervous so my lunch and afternoon snack were on the small side to "prepare" for tonight.

What's going on in my head right now?
Why am I freaking out again?

no.

i'm having a really hard time eating today.

so... this pretty much sucks.

i'm way too torn on this right now.

and i know this isn't good.