defeated

will my body ever be healthy?

i seem to get sick whenever i start having kick ass workouts. i guess if im not getting stage 4 sleep ever, i'm wearing it out even more. how cna you have an immune system if you never actually sleep?

3 people have commented on how often ive been getting sick lately.


i've had my fill of appts. i want to be done.
between the sport medicine dr for my legs/feet, the PT 3x a week, therapy every 2 weeks, and my neurologist, i have to go to the dentist at some point, i have to get my thyroid levels checked and see my primary care dr about my thyroid meds, i still need to schedule my bone density scan (which im avoiding), and now i have to call up the heart doctor and then make an appt. with a sleep specialist that works along side w. my neurologist because he wants to bring someone else in on my case because he's pretty much stumped.

plus i have 2 jobs and an accelerated physics 2 class that i suck at. oh, plus i need to workout for my "sanity" (when im not sick with a 102.5 degree temp), and sleep, even though that seems like a waste of time since I dont actually sleep when I'm "sleeping". (FUCK YOU, BODY!) And the tour de france to watch (which might sound dumb, but i wasn't home to watch it last year so it's been 2 years since i've gotten to do this and be this excited. This is my one thing i enjoy every summer. i AM going to watch it). oh, plus i have a fiance, friends, and a family to spend time with. and a wedding to plan. and my internship interviews to prepare for and set up.

no big deal, right?

i'm feeling really defeated.
i was so hopeful that my brain rewired itself and that i was getting good sleep.
Not even with the meds is that happening. I was so hopeful i'd have a chance of coming off my meds. of being okay when nathan and i decide to have children and i get pregnant. how will i be okay?









how am i ever going to be a mommy?