Self Destruct and Die

One of my new favorite songs- It's by Dead Poetic, a rock Christian band. I like them because they aren't all "God is awesome, life is great". they get that life sucks sometimes, and their music reflects that. It's real, but there is that positive twist. The song is called Self Destruct and Die. CHECK THEM OUT!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBcQhAkK8QA

I'm only patient enough to please the masses for so long.
My brittle arms cannot hold up all the walls in this falling tomb.
I'm only caring enough (Drowning in expectation.)
To love oppressors for so long.
Until I begin to crack (I cannot disappoint them)
And the monster will soon come back.

I've got to cut the tube that feeds the undying need for this peace.

I'll self-destruct and die, if you don't allow me breathing room.
Save me from my phobia of failing you again.
I'll self-destruct and die, from the strain of pleasing the masses.
I'm the dying pacifist.

I don't need you to stop. I only need you to understand.
I dig this dagger myself (and twist and turn until I'm numb)
And I'll continue until you end it.

I've got to cut the tube that feeds the undying need for this peace.

I'll self-destruct and die, if you don't allow me breathing room.
Save me from my phobia of failing you again.
I'll self-destruct and die, from the strain of pleasing the masses.
I'm the dying pacifist.

I'm addicted to being something they will look up to and
I'm begging for someone, something, to bring me back to you.

I'll self-destruct and die, if you don't allow me breathing room.
Save me from my phobia of failing you again.
I'll self-destruct and die, from the strain of pleasing the masses.
I'm the dying pacifist.

PT

Saw the sports Dr this morning. He confirmed the fact my tibias are twisted (my friend w. a masters in biomechanics took one look at my legs yesterday and told me thats what was wrong).

And that I have compartment syndrome in both calves and tendinitis in flexor hallicus longus tendon of both feet. So... im going to start PT. blech. i hope it helps. he said the only real way to correct my twisted tibias is surgery, which is completely NOT an option. if PT doesn't help, then the orthotics will probably help to compensate for the twisting. he can tell by the calluses on my feet that i don't walk evenly. Oy.


so we'll see. maybe this will help.

and he's going to order a bone density scan in july.

do the twist

yup.

tibial torsion.

i have twisted tibias.

crazy.

Ran

i need to fall asleep soon because im getting up at 6 so that i can go to 7am Mass, then go to the gym before chicken BBQ begins at noon. however, it is almost 1am, so that really sucks.


in other news- i ran for 5 minutes today! and it felt amazing.
i was on the treadmill- walking at a really steep incline. to take a break, i took it all the way down to 3%. It felt flat to me, after being at 13% for 45 minutes... So to get it out of my system, I bumped the speed up to 5.9 and ran. amazing. i did that for a couple minutes, slowed down and went back to the incline walking. Then i went back down to 3% and ran for another couple minutes. amazing. 5 minutes is pitiful, but it is something.

i miss running. i hope i can get another bone density scan done in july- once it's been a year. and i hope it's improved. and i hope i can start running.

a

Natalie said "andi" today! if you ask her to say "aunt andi" then it comes out as "anna", which is also cute. previously she called me "a". (sounding like the being of 'aunt') So cute. she'd see me and say "a! a! a!" but tonight she finally said "Andi". My heart melted. I love that kid.

stupid feet

since my feet continue to cramp, forcing me to curl under my toes and walk on the outsides of my feet, and it feels like a sharp tearing of my tendon if i even TRY to straighten out my foot, (and- surprise, surprise- IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH ELECTROLYTES) my dr wants to see me next week to see what's up. I'm glad he's going to have to take what I say seriously and not blame it away on the nonexistant ED like he wanted to explain everything away on before. I'm not letting him do that. It isn't fair.

Mom wonders if it's my spine- since my knees and ankles suck, too. If i should go to a chiropracter. I just gave her a weird look.

Maybe i'll get an answer out of Dr R about my ankles and knees. It's the age-old question though. No one has been able to tell me why my legs are built the way they are. They are twisted. My right one more than my left. my knees rotate in while my ankles rotate out. too much stress on my ankles and knees- hence the pain. i can figure that much out. but i dont know why they twist.
stupid body.

Poor Levi!

Levi crashed today. But he got a new bike and was able to finish the race. No major injuries.

Here's how they fix you up after crashing going 30 MPH...
http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2009/giro09/?id=/photos/2009/giro09/giro0911/bettiniphoto_0039018_1_full

... you continue to go 30 mph... while your doctor hangs halfway out of the car.

Now that's tough. I want to see a wimpy football player do that! Pansies.

Obama and ND make me sick.

“What it should do is have Notre Dame come clean. Is it Catholic or isn’t it? A Catholic institution, a Catholic university, cannot give honors to someone who is a promoter of things that are opposed to the most fundamental beliefs of Catholics, and so that’s what needs to happen.”

“rightly the source of the greatest scandal.”:
http://www.cardinalnewmansociety.org/CardinalNewmanSociety/tabid/36/ctl/Details/mid/435/ItemID/550/Default.aspx

"I think that Notre Dame has to either follow those norms or say ‘We’re not a Catholic university anymore.’”

I don't know how they have the audacity to claim they are Catholic. They give us a bad name. Does it give them pleasure to pose as Catholics while they mislead and negatively influence so many people? Why not just become a secular university and proclaim whatever they want, since they do that anyway.

This pisses me off.

Happy us after the victory

Us at GAME 7- right after we won(!!!!!). His friend Brad (left) looks like Brian Rafalski (one of the red wings) so we call him rafalski all the time now. My friend Stephanie is on the right.

Game 1 against Chicago is today at 3! I'm so excited to watch more hockey!

i'm blind, i'm deaf, i want to be a ref!

Osgood, our amazing goalie, and an octopus. Woohoo!!! There were 4 or 5 octopi on the ice before the national anthem was even over. and tons throughout the game.

KRONWALL! That's my guy!!!

The refs were HORRIBLE last night, by the way. The ducks were beating the wings up and the refs were just looking the other way. One of our announcers actually said "you've got to be shitting me". Redmond said our coach will probably be filing a complaint against the refs. It was really bad. The whole arena started chanting "BULL SHIT! BULLSHIT!" when the refs didn't call stuff. I mean- holmstom got roughed up and his helmet got knocked off. And pronger kept crosschecking holmstom in his back, right in front of the net, and no call. terrible!

I was really proud of our guys though. They didn't let the ducks get under their skin. No fighting or anything. Which was a relief. I'm curious to see if Babcock (our coach) does anything. I think if he doesn't then Redmond (our announcer) will. And I'm curious to see how the next series against Chicago goes- if the refs will be any fairer or not.

GAME 7!

holy cow!!! The game was amazing! the arena was packed and there was so much energy. it was a close game. we were leading the whole time until the 3rd peroid- the ducks tied it up 3-3. i was so nervous to go into overtime with them. with only a few minutes left, Cleary scored so we were up a goal. i still couldn't relax because the wings have a tendency of letting in a last minute goal. everyone was on their feet cheering and chanting ("ozzie, ozzie" "lets go red wings!" "pronger sucks!" etc) until the game was over. and we won.
amazing.

now we go on to play chicago.

shut up, stomach.

Ugghhh. I'm having one of my extra hungry days. I hate these days.

Im sore all over from a crazy awesome hard workout yesterday, so I keep telling myself my metabolism is boosted a little, and that's why I'm extra hungry today.
But none of me believes that.

updates: hockey, cycling, stupid

Hockey update:
wings lost last night against the ducks in game 6. this ties the series 3-3 creating a game 7.
this game 7- I GET TO GO TO!!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! i get to see kronwall tomorrow night! and we had 2 extra tickets, soi called my friend steph from highschool (HUGE hockey fan (and kronwall fan!)) and she 's coming with us. we still have an extra ticket but im sure we'll find someone.
so hopefully we win tomorrow... if not then play offs are over for us. which would be extremely sad, as we are defending champions. GO WINGS!

Cycling update:
Levi moved into 4th place today!!! even though i'm unable to watch it and can't see the other riders, i know Levi is more than capable of pulling off another win!! it goes until May 31st, though, so there's time.
Vande Velde crashed yesterday and broke 2 ribs. which is sad. He's not on Levi's team, but he's one of the few Americans.
Levi picture: http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2009/giro09/?id=/photos/2009/giro09/giro095/bettiniphoto_0038438_1_full
not many levi pictures since everyone is obessessed with Lance, which i find extremely annoying.

Philosophy update:
he changed our first exam to be take home. he posted it on the website today. its 50 multiple choice and true/false questions. open note. are you freaking kidding me? this is college?
whatever. im not complaining since this means i don't have to do any reading or any studying for it. i pretty much finished the exam in 30 minutes while watching philadephia win game 7 against washington (6-2. ouch!).

giro de italia

http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos/2009/giro09/?id=/photos/2009/giro09/giro093/DV506446

the pictures on this website are copyrighted, so i can't post the picture- but there they are! levi (middle) and lance (left)!

love them!

Woo!

I LOVE HOCKEY AND CYCLING!

microscopes

I need to review bacteria!!

Yesterday, JoAnn had them try to read out their plates. Not to ID anything, just say what it looked like (they took samples from a body part- most did their arm or mouth). So she asked me to help them report it out to her and she's like "don't worry, you don't need to ID it for them"

i saw the small pinpoint white colonies on a couple plates and i was kicking myself that i couldn't remember what grew like that right away. (Staph epi.)
So for the second lab, i remembered a lot better and told a few people they had staph epi growing before she mentioned it, which was cool. i recognizing other things, too, by the end. But i really want to be a lot sharper on this stuff like i used to be. Its just hard because it's been a year since i had that lab.

Showed them how to do gram stains. And then i was paranoid during the second lab becuase they are non-MLS majors (pre med, pharm, nursing), so they don't know how to use our really good microscopes. JoAnn had casually mentioned that they'd need to go on oil with 100x, but i knew none of them knew what that meant, and if you get oil on any of the other objectives, it's a very bad thing, so i spent a lot of time teaching microscope usage. i don't think anyone hurt any of them.


i slept until 11:15 this morning! amazing.
not sure what to do today.
work, for sure, but beyond that... i don't know!
i guess the gym, but i'd rather stay here to workout. I got spoiled w. my parents gone.. bummer.

stopping by

luckily the day following the 3 hours of my stupid class went better.
went to yoga, worked out a little. was going to lift today but decided against it since i was running short on time.

Got up to the lab to see Joann (the lab instructor im TAing for). She didn't know i was doing this, so she got REALLY excited to find out she had help for the summer. I helped her set up the benches and but the extra stock away. I prepped around 50 plates to incubate for Wednesday. Cleaned up between the two labs and reset everything up, cleaned everything up afterwards. Today's labs were slow since it was the intro lab, so i wasn't needed for much. I did stay for both labs, which i probably won't end up needing to do every time, but i did today since it was the first day and i needed to talk to joann after class. She definitely needs me for the first lab, though.
It was fun. I got to demonstrate how to streak a plate to one half of the room. Wooho! easy. but its fun because i know all but 3 or 4 people from the first lab, and from the 2nd, i know two of the guys really well (they're anatomy TAs with me). and its not as stressful as anatomy.
So i'm excited. i was there for almost 5 hours and it flew by really quickly. Which is good when you're getting paid.


Ryann is still without a phone, and she's picking mom and dad up from the airport tomorrow. I stopped by her house on my way home tonight (i still can't really believe that i can simply STOP BY her house now!!!) and gave her my cell phone to use in case flights change or something. i was trying to explain to her how to use it- check voicemail and whatnot if mom calls and she misses it. she seemed a little flustered.
I stayed there for almost 3 hours talking to her (joseph's out of town this week). It was a good way to end the day.

tomorrow's plan is to get up, workout at home, therapy, and then my real job for as long as i can stand being there. Mom asked me to make dinner tomorrow, and i have no idea what im going to do, or if i'll even be home from work yet because i dont know exactly when they'll get home. So that's annoying. we dont have much in the house right now... i could give them tuna salad or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. or eggs. we have some apples left. Thats what ive been doing so i don't have to go grocery shopping. haha. i dont think they'd appreciate that as much as i dont mind it, though. oh well.


ew. i have to read for philosophy tomorrow, too... bummer.

Oy.

philosophy is the worst class ever.

"how can we know that separate minds aside from ours exist?" "how do we know the external world exists?" "how do i know my body exists?"

um, because we aren't stupid!

the only interesting point was when he started talking about brains and dendrites and synapses. otherwise, i either wanted to fall asleep or laugh at him.

this is going to be a very painful 7 weeks.

why not devote time to important things?

i don't know. it's annoying. definitely not how my brain is wired because this seems like the most useless waste of a class.

but then again, how do i know that i am even in this class, or that this class even exists? maybe my school doesn't even exist and I'm still at home sleeping. maybe my home doesn't exist. maybe sleep doesn't exist. maybe it's all an illusion.

what bullshit.

(maybe bullshit doesn't exist, either (therefore, this class does not exist).)

low

Grades are posted.
4.0's in immunology, parasit/mycology/virology lecture and lab
3.9 in hematology lab
3.8 in hematology

a 3.8?????

disappointing.


maybe one day i wont be so hard on myself and will think that a 3.8 is good enough. but it isn't good enough.
it was a 3.9 overall for the semester, so my total gpa is still stuck at 3.9
i want it to go up.

stupid 3.8

reminder

The sleep tech had to wake me up at 6:30 this morning. His shift was over. He was able to take some of the electrodes off, and then he said i had to stay awake until the first nap scheduled at 8. then he left the room.

I got a little freaked out and started crying a little. It reminded me too much of Rogers.
being sound asleep, then someone opening the door and turning the lights on at 6:30 without warning, telling you its time to get up. whether you like it or not.

aside from me being annoyingly over sensitive, the rest of the time was fine. Just boring. I read twilight front to back, if thats any indication of how much time i had.

i actually fell asleep during today's naps. at least for sure during the first one (the other three, i dont remember falling asleep but the time went really quickly so i probably dozed off)- which is odd for me. i didn't sleep during the day in the one i had 3 years ago. so i'm interested to see what type of sleep i got during my naps. i had a [bad] dream during first one, so i guess i got to REM. wouldn't it be weird if i had normal narcolepsy now too? haha.

i have to wait until July 9th before i find out. that was the soonest i could get in again (because dr V is the best dr ever!)

post

i'm kind of concerned how tired i am without provigil... i couldn't take it this morning because of the sleep study tonight.

i have to leave in less than an hour and i need to pack breakfast and lunch for tomorrow. and something to do all day tomorrow that doesn't require too much effort since i'll be dealing with a caffiene headache..

these things are boring.