RYANN AND JOSEPH PUT AN OFFER IN ON A HOUSE ONLY 4 MILES AWAY FROM US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
are you freaking kidding me?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
called
after talking to tess, and then with Nathan, i decided to call Ronee and tell her that i was not okay to speak at the thing today. i apologized like crazy becuase i felt like a jerk doing it, but like Tess said- it was kind of a jerk thing to do to spring that on me without asking first. I tried to be okay with it. Ive tried to relax about it and calm down and just bite the bullet and do it, but its not working.
ronee was like "not even one little part?" and "haven't you had to give a presention before for a class or anything?" she didn't make it easy. I felt really bad. I still do, but Tess kept saying "yeah, but if that's what you have to do to make you okay and to not affect your classes, then it's what you have to do".
i have to see Ronee tomorrow afternoon.
i want to crawl into a hole.
im going to relax for a little bit, calm down, maybe study. then go to work.
i've just been granted 5 more hours of Sunday.
i hope she forgives me.
i'm still new to this whole standing up for myself thing.
it's not that easy..
ronee was like "not even one little part?" and "haven't you had to give a presention before for a class or anything?" she didn't make it easy. I felt really bad. I still do, but Tess kept saying "yeah, but if that's what you have to do to make you okay and to not affect your classes, then it's what you have to do".
i have to see Ronee tomorrow afternoon.
i want to crawl into a hole.
im going to relax for a little bit, calm down, maybe study. then go to work.
i've just been granted 5 more hours of Sunday.
i hope she forgives me.
i'm still new to this whole standing up for myself thing.
it's not that easy..
crash
i'm to the point where getting in a car accident today sounds like an amazing thing... just so that I can't make it to the ceremony today.
mom and nathan weren't too keen on that plan.
but that's what i came up with when i was brainstorming...
mom and nathan weren't too keen on that plan.
but that's what i came up with when i was brainstorming...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
bombarded
Avery's birthday party was fun. Brandon and Jenny were there, too. I played with Natalie a lot before dinner. She's so fricking cute I can barely stand it.
After presents and birthday stuff i went to Avery's closet to study so that I could have some quietness. (it's a spacious closet and has a light, and it's the only other option i had since it's a small temporary apt.)
I got a little bit done for mycology, but hardly enough.
I had gone over a little bit of hematology in the morning, but hardly enough of that either.
Im going to try getting to the 7am Mass tomorrow so that i can get to work early and hopefully study a little bit before the dreaded induction ceremony. mom suggested taking ativan before hand. i have to get there an hour before it starts, so if i take it as soon as i get to campus i wont have to drive while on it. Nathan said i should do the same thing when he called tonight- without knowing mom said that. So... okay. I will. Hopefully I can find it. I think I have a couple left.
I've been freaking out. i just feel bombarded with so many things all at once. so i just shut down. but i don't have time to shut down.
lack of time, lack of exercise, lack of studying, lack of space in my brain for all of this information. The stress of these exams that cover a lot of stuff. The fact I never was asked to do this thing tomorrow, simply told, after the programs were already printed. It pisses me off. The fact that Avery's party was today and that the thing is tomorrow and that it's bad timing. and i'm freaking out because i haven't exercised for a few days and I don't know when I"ll get the chance to... probably not until Friday. and that's not okay with me. but i dont have much choice because these exams are big and i can't blow it just because i had to workout.
when did my priorities change? eh, probably once my classes got harder? it's harder to study while working out now that things are more detailed. i can't multitask as well... and something has to give.
rozerem is kicking in. Good.
I'm in desperate need of sleep and 6am is going to come very quickly.
I can't wait for this weekend, and this week to be over with.
I wish i could bail on Ronee, or yell at her, or something (angry emails don't count). but i can't do that to her.
i wish i could. i wish i was that type of person. i wish we weren't friends (that sounds wrong... just.. if we weren't friends i wouldn't feel as bad backing out last minute)
whatever. i quit as secretary once this is over. it'll look good at my interviews this summer and i'll get the honor cords when i graduate. Good enough for me.
and im never doing this again.
After presents and birthday stuff i went to Avery's closet to study so that I could have some quietness. (it's a spacious closet and has a light, and it's the only other option i had since it's a small temporary apt.)
I got a little bit done for mycology, but hardly enough.
I had gone over a little bit of hematology in the morning, but hardly enough of that either.
Im going to try getting to the 7am Mass tomorrow so that i can get to work early and hopefully study a little bit before the dreaded induction ceremony. mom suggested taking ativan before hand. i have to get there an hour before it starts, so if i take it as soon as i get to campus i wont have to drive while on it. Nathan said i should do the same thing when he called tonight- without knowing mom said that. So... okay. I will. Hopefully I can find it. I think I have a couple left.
I've been freaking out. i just feel bombarded with so many things all at once. so i just shut down. but i don't have time to shut down.
lack of time, lack of exercise, lack of studying, lack of space in my brain for all of this information. The stress of these exams that cover a lot of stuff. The fact I never was asked to do this thing tomorrow, simply told, after the programs were already printed. It pisses me off. The fact that Avery's party was today and that the thing is tomorrow and that it's bad timing. and i'm freaking out because i haven't exercised for a few days and I don't know when I"ll get the chance to... probably not until Friday. and that's not okay with me. but i dont have much choice because these exams are big and i can't blow it just because i had to workout.
when did my priorities change? eh, probably once my classes got harder? it's harder to study while working out now that things are more detailed. i can't multitask as well... and something has to give.
rozerem is kicking in. Good.
I'm in desperate need of sleep and 6am is going to come very quickly.
I can't wait for this weekend, and this week to be over with.
I wish i could bail on Ronee, or yell at her, or something (angry emails don't count). but i can't do that to her.
i wish i could. i wish i was that type of person. i wish we weren't friends (that sounds wrong... just.. if we weren't friends i wouldn't feel as bad backing out last minute)
whatever. i quit as secretary once this is over. it'll look good at my interviews this summer and i'll get the honor cords when i graduate. Good enough for me.
and im never doing this again.
pissed
I'm really mad at Ronee.
I am beyond dreading tomorrow.
If only we weren't friends.... if only I didn't see her all the time or sit across the bench from her in lab two days every week. I could just not show up. I could be like Mike (our VP) and not return emails or phone calls, and not show up to anything. But i see her. I could say I"m sick (I asked ryann and avery to breathe on me yesterday in the hopes i'll get sick and/or have laryngitis or something), but we have class together Monday, so it would be hard to say i'm sick and show up the next day feeling fine. I'd have to be sick for real and so far I'm not coughing yet.
I was never asked, I was never given any say in this whatsoever. I emailed her and asked if ANYONE else could fill in for me and she said my name was already printed in the programs.
i never told her to print my name. she printed the programs before i was even told i was doing this. TOLD. not ASKED.
this is such BS.
i've been freaking out and crying and shaking and feeling sick to my stomach.
i can't even focus on studying because i'm freaking out.
i emailed Mike in a last ditch attempt to get ahold of him so that he'd fill in for me. i know he probably won't respond, but it's worth a try i guess.
i hate this.
is this what i get for having a 3.9?
well shit, i should have failed a few classes then.
then i wouldn't be in this situation.
I am beyond dreading tomorrow.
If only we weren't friends.... if only I didn't see her all the time or sit across the bench from her in lab two days every week. I could just not show up. I could be like Mike (our VP) and not return emails or phone calls, and not show up to anything. But i see her. I could say I"m sick (I asked ryann and avery to breathe on me yesterday in the hopes i'll get sick and/or have laryngitis or something), but we have class together Monday, so it would be hard to say i'm sick and show up the next day feeling fine. I'd have to be sick for real and so far I'm not coughing yet.
I was never asked, I was never given any say in this whatsoever. I emailed her and asked if ANYONE else could fill in for me and she said my name was already printed in the programs.
i never told her to print my name. she printed the programs before i was even told i was doing this. TOLD. not ASKED.
this is such BS.
i've been freaking out and crying and shaking and feeling sick to my stomach.
i can't even focus on studying because i'm freaking out.
i emailed Mike in a last ditch attempt to get ahold of him so that he'd fill in for me. i know he probably won't respond, but it's worth a try i guess.
i hate this.
is this what i get for having a 3.9?
well shit, i should have failed a few classes then.
then i wouldn't be in this situation.
Friday, March 27, 2009
I don't like people
Immunology exam was weird again. I don't understand this professor anymore. I think I did fine overall, but I'm just pissed over some of his multiple choice questions. He had a few questions on rheumatoid arthritis which we're going to learn about NEXT WEEK. So what's all that about? I think he gets immunology and pathology mixed up when he's writing his exams because they're always so screwy.
I have hematology and mycology next week. And I'm trying so hard not to freak out. It's so much material for both classes.. the hematology exam will cover more than an inch thick of paper full of details about every single red blood cell disorder. for multiple-multiple choice and short answer. There is no half knowing anything, no bsing. I have to know it all.
Mycology- so far we have 40 species of fungus to know details about (what it looks like under a microscope from a patient specimen, what the colony would look like at 25 and 37 degree (C) and what it would look like under the microscope if you made a slide from the culture plate.... which looks different than it would from a patient...)
And we have one more lecture on Monday, so we'll probably get another 10 or so more to learn about by Wednesday.
Saturday is Avery's 5th birthday and she's having a birthday party. So there goes most of Saturday.
Sunday, I found out two days ago, is the induction ceremony for the honor society, and since i'm the secretary, I have to SPEAK.
Ok, I don't do public speaking. I don't do microphones. Microscopes, yes. Microphones, no. Not only is 5 hours of my Sunday tied up, I'm getting sick to my stomach whenever I THINK about having to talk in front of all those people. I kept giving Ronee death stares in mycology lab on Wednesday when she told me that. I'm so pissed off.
There goes my weekend. When do I get to go to work? I will for a little bit today, but I can't get charts done on Friday because Friday is the busiest day and I can't get many of the charts because they're being used. I try to avoid working MWF. I usually prefer weekends when they're closed, but I don't know how that's going to happen now.
I'M SO MAD ABOUT THE INDUCTION CEREMONY.
I told Ronee I wasn't happy about speaking and really really really wasn't okay with it. She just laughed it off like i was kidding. But i am NOT kidding. I don't do people. Why do you think i want to work in a LAB? I don't have to talk to cadavers. I dont have to talk to bacteria or blood samples. I don't have to see or talk or touch the patients. I run tests, make the decision, give out the reports, and am never seen. End of story.
I don't like people.
At all.
I have hematology and mycology next week. And I'm trying so hard not to freak out. It's so much material for both classes.. the hematology exam will cover more than an inch thick of paper full of details about every single red blood cell disorder. for multiple-multiple choice and short answer. There is no half knowing anything, no bsing. I have to know it all.
Mycology- so far we have 40 species of fungus to know details about (what it looks like under a microscope from a patient specimen, what the colony would look like at 25 and 37 degree (C) and what it would look like under the microscope if you made a slide from the culture plate.... which looks different than it would from a patient...)
And we have one more lecture on Monday, so we'll probably get another 10 or so more to learn about by Wednesday.
Saturday is Avery's 5th birthday and she's having a birthday party. So there goes most of Saturday.
Sunday, I found out two days ago, is the induction ceremony for the honor society, and since i'm the secretary, I have to SPEAK.
Ok, I don't do public speaking. I don't do microphones. Microscopes, yes. Microphones, no. Not only is 5 hours of my Sunday tied up, I'm getting sick to my stomach whenever I THINK about having to talk in front of all those people. I kept giving Ronee death stares in mycology lab on Wednesday when she told me that. I'm so pissed off.
There goes my weekend. When do I get to go to work? I will for a little bit today, but I can't get charts done on Friday because Friday is the busiest day and I can't get many of the charts because they're being used. I try to avoid working MWF. I usually prefer weekends when they're closed, but I don't know how that's going to happen now.
I'M SO MAD ABOUT THE INDUCTION CEREMONY.
I told Ronee I wasn't happy about speaking and really really really wasn't okay with it. She just laughed it off like i was kidding. But i am NOT kidding. I don't do people. Why do you think i want to work in a LAB? I don't have to talk to cadavers. I dont have to talk to bacteria or blood samples. I don't have to see or talk or touch the patients. I run tests, make the decision, give out the reports, and am never seen. End of story.
I don't like people.
At all.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Fight Inside- Red
My new favorite song. It's perfect.
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end.
Knowing truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again.
What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide.
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again.
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again.
I'm still the same, pursuing pain.
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again.
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again.
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under.
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again.
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end.
Knowing truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again.
What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide.
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again.
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again.
I'm still the same, pursuing pain.
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again.
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again.
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under.
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again.
Monday, March 23, 2009
one thing after another.
Blech. Exams suck. I have immuno on wednesday. I spent 3.5 hrs in the library after my classes today studying before I got burnt out.
Casey called me today, and I was glad I was in the library so that I had an excuse not to talk to her. She said "hey i'll be in town for the baby shower in April, and if you need help with wedding stuff i can help you. If you want to try on dresses or something."
i said her baby shower is the week before finals and i doubt i'll be able to have much time for much else. she said 'oh, okay'
but seriously- Ryann is here. ryann LIVES here. ryann is my maid of honor. i want Ryann do to that type of thing with me. i felt this protective anger over ryann when casey asked me that. i wanted to say, "no, ryann is my favorite, stay out of it".
but that's mean to think, and i like Casey too, so i don't know why i'd feel that way.
it'll be nice when i actually have time to spend with Ry. She's been here awhile but ive been so bogged down with school, i still haven't made it to their apartment. i couldn't even babysit the girls on saturday when they went to look at houses-- mom and dad had to instead.
(how do i not get sick of songs even though i listen to them 100 times in a row?)
after this semster i'll have more time to spend with her. which i need. i miss her. it's weird to have her living 30 minutes away and still not be seeing her all of the time.
i hate school right now.
i can't wait for this semester to end.
a lot of things will get better once it's over.
(except summer means internship interviews.... shit.)
Casey called me today, and I was glad I was in the library so that I had an excuse not to talk to her. She said "hey i'll be in town for the baby shower in April, and if you need help with wedding stuff i can help you. If you want to try on dresses or something."
i said her baby shower is the week before finals and i doubt i'll be able to have much time for much else. she said 'oh, okay'
but seriously- Ryann is here. ryann LIVES here. ryann is my maid of honor. i want Ryann do to that type of thing with me. i felt this protective anger over ryann when casey asked me that. i wanted to say, "no, ryann is my favorite, stay out of it".
but that's mean to think, and i like Casey too, so i don't know why i'd feel that way.
it'll be nice when i actually have time to spend with Ry. She's been here awhile but ive been so bogged down with school, i still haven't made it to their apartment. i couldn't even babysit the girls on saturday when they went to look at houses-- mom and dad had to instead.
(how do i not get sick of songs even though i listen to them 100 times in a row?)
after this semster i'll have more time to spend with her. which i need. i miss her. it's weird to have her living 30 minutes away and still not be seeing her all of the time.
i hate school right now.
i can't wait for this semester to end.
a lot of things will get better once it's over.
(except summer means internship interviews.... shit.)
Friday, March 20, 2009
Bones
I got my bone density results from Rogers today. They gave me two sets- one as my ethinicity being "pediatric" (?) and one as being "white"
Pediatric:
Hip: -1.2 --> osteopenic
Lumbar spine: -1.4 --> osteopenic
(L1: -1.0
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.5
L4: -1.9)
White:
Hip: -0.6 --> normal
Lumbar spine: -1.5 --> osteopenic
(L1: -0.9
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.8
L4: -2.3 (oh shit!))
-2.5 to -1.0 is considered osteopenia.
I don't why they ran the numbers two different ways. And I don't know why they only did those two areas... when Ive never had a problem with either of them. I want to know how my FEMURS are so that I can know when my FEMURS are strong enough to run. I dont' care about my back or my left hip.
I only care about L4 because according to the "white" report I'm only 0.2 away from osteoporosis.
Basically, I don't understand any of this.
Pediatric:
Hip: -1.2 --> osteopenic
Lumbar spine: -1.4 --> osteopenic
(L1: -1.0
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.5
L4: -1.9)
White:
Hip: -0.6 --> normal
Lumbar spine: -1.5 --> osteopenic
(L1: -0.9
L2: -1.7
L3: -0.8
L4: -2.3 (oh shit!))
-2.5 to -1.0 is considered osteopenia.
I don't why they ran the numbers two different ways. And I don't know why they only did those two areas... when Ive never had a problem with either of them. I want to know how my FEMURS are so that I can know when my FEMURS are strong enough to run. I dont' care about my back or my left hip.
I only care about L4 because according to the "white" report I'm only 0.2 away from osteoporosis.
Basically, I don't understand any of this.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
weak
I went swimminng last night. I tried using a kick board for the first time ever. whoa! when i swam in highschool swim class, my knees were messed up, so all i could do was freestyle and backstroke. and all i did was pull with my arms. i barely kick. So i decided to use a kickboard, thinking it would be easy. boy was i wrong. There's a difference when you actually kick. ha. concept. my legs were screaming at me. i loved it.
I didn't go to hematology or hemato lab this morning. :(
i woke up with my stomach on fire. it hurt so much and i couldn't get into any position that would make it feel better. i made it to my car with my keys in the ignition when i decided i was going back inside to curl up on the couch and study. What we were going to cover during lecture today (G6PD deficiency and PK deficiency) we covered in biochem last semester, so it's not completely new to me. I figured today, out of any other day, would be the one to miss.
I was already not going to anatomy lab tonight (bummer. ha) because i have to work with stacy on Dr B's book. My stomach feels better now. I just ate some lunch and it feels fine. I have NO idea what was up with it earlier.
Since I can't run, I've decided I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to work on doing a lot of variety and really strengthening my legs and core, so that when i CAN run, i'll be strong and ready to go. My femur pain is managable with motrin, so I can still get through workouts. i need to work on my arms too. they used to be a lot stronger than they are now.
swimming last night was pretty pathetic.
oh. and V8.
why didn't anyone ever mention v8? I'll drink that.
1 8oz serving:
50 calories, 490mg potassium, and i forget the sodium.
no sugar, no artifical sweetners.
are you kidding?
that's a million times better than gatorade or pedialyte.
I can do v8.
(surprise, surprise, no change in the cramping)
(because the electrolyte thing is BS)
Stacy will be here soon.
I should go get stuff together.
I didn't go to hematology or hemato lab this morning. :(
i woke up with my stomach on fire. it hurt so much and i couldn't get into any position that would make it feel better. i made it to my car with my keys in the ignition when i decided i was going back inside to curl up on the couch and study. What we were going to cover during lecture today (G6PD deficiency and PK deficiency) we covered in biochem last semester, so it's not completely new to me. I figured today, out of any other day, would be the one to miss.
I was already not going to anatomy lab tonight (bummer. ha) because i have to work with stacy on Dr B's book. My stomach feels better now. I just ate some lunch and it feels fine. I have NO idea what was up with it earlier.
Since I can't run, I've decided I'm going to change my focus. I'm going to work on doing a lot of variety and really strengthening my legs and core, so that when i CAN run, i'll be strong and ready to go. My femur pain is managable with motrin, so I can still get through workouts. i need to work on my arms too. they used to be a lot stronger than they are now.
swimming last night was pretty pathetic.
oh. and V8.
why didn't anyone ever mention v8? I'll drink that.
1 8oz serving:
50 calories, 490mg potassium, and i forget the sodium.
no sugar, no artifical sweetners.
are you kidding?
that's a million times better than gatorade or pedialyte.
I can do v8.
(surprise, surprise, no change in the cramping)
(because the electrolyte thing is BS)
Stacy will be here soon.
I should go get stuff together.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
effort
i have therapy again tomorrow.
normally i go every 2 or 3 weeks, but this time it's the next week.
i shouldn't have agreed to that.
not only will it be another day of not working out (3 in a row if i don't do it tonight. blech), i'm just so emotionally tired and drained right now.
i got my workbooks from rogers out last night and started working on part 2 since i left there before i ever got a chance to do it.
it's interesting, i guess. i hadn't really done CBT stuff prior to going there.
thinking shouldn't take so much effort, though.
normally i go every 2 or 3 weeks, but this time it's the next week.
i shouldn't have agreed to that.
not only will it be another day of not working out (3 in a row if i don't do it tonight. blech), i'm just so emotionally tired and drained right now.
i got my workbooks from rogers out last night and started working on part 2 since i left there before i ever got a chance to do it.
it's interesting, i guess. i hadn't really done CBT stuff prior to going there.
thinking shouldn't take so much effort, though.
fragile
okay, what on earth?
Friday, my thigh didn't hurt that bad- I didn't even mention it to my doctor because I figured whatever was up with my thigh was getting better.
This weekend, it started hurting more, and today, it hurts even more. I'm on maximum about of motrin.. and i'm still limping.
and since you can't get shin splits in your thigh, it's not difficult to distinguish stress fractures and shin splints, and when it feels just like it did last summer, just in a different femur...
DAMN IT.
i didn't even do anything. i did the free climber on Saturday. maybe that's higher impact than i thought? i ran last wednesday, but not since then.
i didnt even workout yesterday.
and i probably won't tonight because i'm tired and my leg still hurts.
I'm sick of this.
Friday, my thigh didn't hurt that bad- I didn't even mention it to my doctor because I figured whatever was up with my thigh was getting better.
This weekend, it started hurting more, and today, it hurts even more. I'm on maximum about of motrin.. and i'm still limping.
and since you can't get shin splits in your thigh, it's not difficult to distinguish stress fractures and shin splints, and when it feels just like it did last summer, just in a different femur...
DAMN IT.
i didn't even do anything. i did the free climber on Saturday. maybe that's higher impact than i thought? i ran last wednesday, but not since then.
i didnt even workout yesterday.
and i probably won't tonight because i'm tired and my leg still hurts.
I'm sick of this.
Stuck
I'm emotionally exhausted right now.
Susan and Lisa both agree that unless I confront and/or forgive them and move on that I can't fully recover. And since I'm afraid to confront them, him especially, I'm afraid I'll never be fully over it.
She said- what if you write letters to never send-
But you see, I've done that. I've done that many times. It doesn't work. It's not enough.
He said- maybe it'll be easier to do when I've moved out. That it might be awkward to do now, while I'm still in the house. But then that means I have to wait a year and a half.
I can't stand this for another year and a half.
But why can't I just move on?
Why can't I leave it behind and stop letting them ruin me?
Susan and Lisa both agree that unless I confront and/or forgive them and move on that I can't fully recover. And since I'm afraid to confront them, him especially, I'm afraid I'll never be fully over it.
She said- what if you write letters to never send-
But you see, I've done that. I've done that many times. It doesn't work. It's not enough.
He said- maybe it'll be easier to do when I've moved out. That it might be awkward to do now, while I'm still in the house. But then that means I have to wait a year and a half.
I can't stand this for another year and a half.
But why can't I just move on?
Why can't I leave it behind and stop letting them ruin me?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
blessings
I'm talking to a friend online right now, and i told her about the doctors today, and i said: "I guess God is teaching me patience right now"
Friend: "patience, and to look at the blessings more. you're not anorexic anymore, and that's huge."
very good point.
i thanked her for that.
Friend: "patience, and to look at the blessings more. you're not anorexic anymore, and that's huge."
very good point.
i thanked her for that.
banned
I saw my doctor today. I think I went through half a box of tissues while he was talking to me.
He says my bones can take up to 2 or 3 years to repair, and even then, not everyone gets back fully to where they were before their bones weakened. So, my pitiful little 9 months of calcium is nothing. He xrayed my left shin to see if i had a stress fracture- nothing showed up, but stress fractures ususally require bone scans to be able to see them, so i might have one. He gave me two options: get a bone scan and know for sure, or just cross train a few more weeks until the pain goes away. I'm sick of hospitals and didn't want another bone scan, and I shouldn't run anyway, so I'll just let it heal- whatever it is.
My calves and feet problem he believes to be due to electrolyte imbalance. I protested this, since I havne't restricted or over exercised since last July, but he said i mostly likely still metabolize things differently, and it can take awhile for things to go back to normal. He asked if I've ever had gatorade. i said "um, they force fed that to me in the hospital". so he told me to try a diff. flavor or talk to my dietician about other options to get electrolytes in me somehow. I asked about bananas, and he said those are good, but he wants to replace some of the water i'm drinking with something else.
i told him i'd see what i could do.
so after all of this i asked him "will i ever run again?"
and he said YES.
he said it'll be awhile, but he sees no reason for me not to work SLOWLY up to it.
once my shin has healed, he said just walk every other day building up time, not speed. i'll have to do that for a long time to give my bones more time, but it'll help with my calves and feet too.
he said it'll be like strength training any other muscle or tissue. he said "you don't start out bench pressing 150 pounds, you start off lighter and slowly build up weight. we'll treat your bones and muscles the same way with your walking and running"
it makes sense. it's just frustrating.
i got some physical therapy exercises to do for my feet, too.
i'm frustrated because I feel like my 9 months of eating well have been for nothing. My stomach is still a mess, my bones are still weak, my muscles are still a mess, my heart is weird (although no one else seems concerned by that).
i know, logically, that if these last 9 months were anything what they were in the 1-2 years preceding this- i'd be a lot worse off than i am now.
and so i'm trying to remind myself of that, and to be gentle on myself. but it's hard. the whole time i was in there, crying as he told me these things, i couldn't help but realize it's all my fault. How can i not blame myself?
I shot myself in the foot as far as running goes. it's my own damn fault i'm unable to run.
why doesn't 9 healthy months count for anything?
i was going to go to work tonight but i'm not in the mood to be around people (mom, ryann and the girls aren't here right now). i'd rather study a lot today and be able to work more this weekend when the office is closed. i know i keep putting work off, but i just hate being there when everyone is in there working. plus i've been off and on crying all day, and i really don't want to be this emotional while im at work.
so i'm off to study some mycology (parasitology is technically over- we've switched to mycology and in a few weeks it'll be virology...). which doesn't sound fun, either, but i have an exam Monday, so I better get moving.
He says my bones can take up to 2 or 3 years to repair, and even then, not everyone gets back fully to where they were before their bones weakened. So, my pitiful little 9 months of calcium is nothing. He xrayed my left shin to see if i had a stress fracture- nothing showed up, but stress fractures ususally require bone scans to be able to see them, so i might have one. He gave me two options: get a bone scan and know for sure, or just cross train a few more weeks until the pain goes away. I'm sick of hospitals and didn't want another bone scan, and I shouldn't run anyway, so I'll just let it heal- whatever it is.
My calves and feet problem he believes to be due to electrolyte imbalance. I protested this, since I havne't restricted or over exercised since last July, but he said i mostly likely still metabolize things differently, and it can take awhile for things to go back to normal. He asked if I've ever had gatorade. i said "um, they force fed that to me in the hospital". so he told me to try a diff. flavor or talk to my dietician about other options to get electrolytes in me somehow. I asked about bananas, and he said those are good, but he wants to replace some of the water i'm drinking with something else.
i told him i'd see what i could do.
so after all of this i asked him "will i ever run again?"
and he said YES.
he said it'll be awhile, but he sees no reason for me not to work SLOWLY up to it.
once my shin has healed, he said just walk every other day building up time, not speed. i'll have to do that for a long time to give my bones more time, but it'll help with my calves and feet too.
he said it'll be like strength training any other muscle or tissue. he said "you don't start out bench pressing 150 pounds, you start off lighter and slowly build up weight. we'll treat your bones and muscles the same way with your walking and running"
it makes sense. it's just frustrating.
i got some physical therapy exercises to do for my feet, too.
i'm frustrated because I feel like my 9 months of eating well have been for nothing. My stomach is still a mess, my bones are still weak, my muscles are still a mess, my heart is weird (although no one else seems concerned by that).
i know, logically, that if these last 9 months were anything what they were in the 1-2 years preceding this- i'd be a lot worse off than i am now.
and so i'm trying to remind myself of that, and to be gentle on myself. but it's hard. the whole time i was in there, crying as he told me these things, i couldn't help but realize it's all my fault. How can i not blame myself?
I shot myself in the foot as far as running goes. it's my own damn fault i'm unable to run.
why doesn't 9 healthy months count for anything?
i was going to go to work tonight but i'm not in the mood to be around people (mom, ryann and the girls aren't here right now). i'd rather study a lot today and be able to work more this weekend when the office is closed. i know i keep putting work off, but i just hate being there when everyone is in there working. plus i've been off and on crying all day, and i really don't want to be this emotional while im at work.
so i'm off to study some mycology (parasitology is technically over- we've switched to mycology and in a few weeks it'll be virology...). which doesn't sound fun, either, but i have an exam Monday, so I better get moving.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
home
Ryann and the girls are at our house. They'll move into their temporary apartment Friday or Saturday when Joseph gets here. I can't believe they've actually moved back here. It hasn't sunk in yet.
Natalie is adorable.
I have parasit lab then immuno lecture left today. then studying for hematology with Karen after class. We have a test tomorrow... and the girls are at our house... Wonderful timing, eh?
Natalie is adorable.
I have parasit lab then immuno lecture left today. then studying for hematology with Karen after class. We have a test tomorrow... and the girls are at our house... Wonderful timing, eh?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
blank
therapy today.
im so drained now.
i went to work right after, and only lasted a couple hours.
im so foggy, so dazed.
all i feel capable of doing is staring.
i'm physically drained from it.
meh.
im so drained now.
i went to work right after, and only lasted a couple hours.
im so foggy, so dazed.
all i feel capable of doing is staring.
i'm physically drained from it.
meh.
Monday, March 9, 2009
pissed
so i was up until 5am.
still planned on waking up by 8 so that i could get to the gym and then study before class.
but at 11am my mom came in my room and woke me up.
my alarm was set to 8PM.
i can't win.
so another day goes by without a workout.
and i hate myself a little bit more.
still planned on waking up by 8 so that i could get to the gym and then study before class.
but at 11am my mom came in my room and woke me up.
my alarm was set to 8PM.
i can't win.
so another day goes by without a workout.
and i hate myself a little bit more.
stuck
i feel like i'm stuck on a hampster wheel. which would be okay if i was a hampster, but since i'm not, it's not okay.
i feel stuck. i feel trapped.
it doesn't matter how hard im trying.
it's never enough.
i feel stuck. i feel trapped.
it doesn't matter how hard im trying.
it's never enough.
Friday, March 6, 2009
today
ive had a really productive morning so far.
hematology stuff is all making sense.
which makes me feel a lot better about things.
i'm going to the rec soon.
and i plan on running.
i don't care what my legs say.
i'm running today.
hematology stuff is all making sense.
which makes me feel a lot better about things.
i'm going to the rec soon.
and i plan on running.
i don't care what my legs say.
i'm running today.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
rushed
ugh. life.
i'm glad i like hematology.
if i didn't like at least one of my classes... i'd be hating school a lot right now.
anemias are really interesting.
jayme and i studied hypoproliferative anemias today in between our labs. I feel a lot better about all of those now.
I studied the macrocytic and megaloblastic anemias when I got home. now im typing up the notes and i'm half way through. i needed a quick break.
i'm glad i don't have classes on Friday.
i've been edgy lately.
i just feel... pressured.
like i have so much to do and there can't be any possible way that i'll manage to get it all done in time. it's just this feeling of being rushed, of not being able to relax for a minute.
i tried working out last night but wasn't able to do much. i think that's part of it. i felt guilty for working out when i have so many things to study and cram into my head, plus work and other things. i didn't workout tonight either (uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh) because i was feeling so anxious about hematology. so i came home and studied for a couple hours instead.
I WILL EXERCISE TOMORROW.
i have to. i know that isn't helping my anxiety levels at all.
i just always feel uneasy.
nathan wanted me to ask brandon if we could get together tomorrow night and i had a freak out in my mind for a second. i WANT to see my brother. but i can't lose two nights of the weekend (going to the hockey game saturday night!). tomorrow is just busy, and if i hung out with brandon i would lose all of my study time, except for a couple hours in the morning.
i've just freaking out.
and i don't even know why.
i have a hematology lab exam on tuesday, but that really shouldn't be that bad. it's just lab math.
we have a hematology lecture quiz on tuesday. at least it isn't a full exam, but still- her quizzes are hard and there is a lot of material for this one quiz. but it isn't an exam.
but that's all i have next week. so WHY am i freaking out right now?
i need to run.
figuratively and literally
i'm glad i like hematology.
if i didn't like at least one of my classes... i'd be hating school a lot right now.
anemias are really interesting.
jayme and i studied hypoproliferative anemias today in between our labs. I feel a lot better about all of those now.
I studied the macrocytic and megaloblastic anemias when I got home. now im typing up the notes and i'm half way through. i needed a quick break.
i'm glad i don't have classes on Friday.
i've been edgy lately.
i just feel... pressured.
like i have so much to do and there can't be any possible way that i'll manage to get it all done in time. it's just this feeling of being rushed, of not being able to relax for a minute.
i tried working out last night but wasn't able to do much. i think that's part of it. i felt guilty for working out when i have so many things to study and cram into my head, plus work and other things. i didn't workout tonight either (uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh) because i was feeling so anxious about hematology. so i came home and studied for a couple hours instead.
I WILL EXERCISE TOMORROW.
i have to. i know that isn't helping my anxiety levels at all.
i just always feel uneasy.
nathan wanted me to ask brandon if we could get together tomorrow night and i had a freak out in my mind for a second. i WANT to see my brother. but i can't lose two nights of the weekend (going to the hockey game saturday night!). tomorrow is just busy, and if i hung out with brandon i would lose all of my study time, except for a couple hours in the morning.
i've just freaking out.
and i don't even know why.
i have a hematology lab exam on tuesday, but that really shouldn't be that bad. it's just lab math.
we have a hematology lecture quiz on tuesday. at least it isn't a full exam, but still- her quizzes are hard and there is a lot of material for this one quiz. but it isn't an exam.
but that's all i have next week. so WHY am i freaking out right now?
i need to run.
figuratively and literally
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
i don't know.
what the heck?
my immuno prof is NOT like he was when i had him for biochemistry. his exams are ridiculous. the short answers are NOT what he told us they'd be. at least for two of them, and things he told us would be short answers weren't even on there.
and i don't know where he came up with some of the multiple choice questions because we NEVER talked about some of that. it's so frustrating.
and then i wanted to get a good workout in, and i got to the rec and started working out and i wasn't feeling it. i got half way through my workout and went home.
i have so much to study.
im so overwhelmed.
hematology is interesting at least, but holy freaking cow.
i feel inadequate today.
my immuno prof is NOT like he was when i had him for biochemistry. his exams are ridiculous. the short answers are NOT what he told us they'd be. at least for two of them, and things he told us would be short answers weren't even on there.
and i don't know where he came up with some of the multiple choice questions because we NEVER talked about some of that. it's so frustrating.
and then i wanted to get a good workout in, and i got to the rec and started working out and i wasn't feeling it. i got half way through my workout and went home.
i have so much to study.
im so overwhelmed.
hematology is interesting at least, but holy freaking cow.
i feel inadequate today.
competitve
i seem to study a lot better in the morning.
i've studied a lot for immuno. I still don't feel 100% confident, but I do feel better about it. I still have a couple hours, so that's good. I am skipping parasit- i asked nicole to pick up the notes for me. I just have parasit lab, that i can't miss. which is fine.
and then i'm going to exercise after the exam, because i haven't worked out since Friday...
i'm going insane.
in 5 1/2 hours, it'll be over.
-deep breath-
my thing is- i want to beat jayme on this exam, but i don't think I will. she seems a lot more prepared than I am. she's beat me on everything so far, except for the hematology quiz- which we were the only two to get 100%.
it sounds stupid, i know, but i guess i'm competitive. she only beat me by 2% on our last immunology exam- but she got over 100% on the hematology exam, so even though I got an A, she beat me on that too.
granted, i was sick that day and the day before, but still... so what.
i can't remember about the hemato lab exam. maybe i beat her on that.
i'm weird.
i've studied a lot for immuno. I still don't feel 100% confident, but I do feel better about it. I still have a couple hours, so that's good. I am skipping parasit- i asked nicole to pick up the notes for me. I just have parasit lab, that i can't miss. which is fine.
and then i'm going to exercise after the exam, because i haven't worked out since Friday...
i'm going insane.
in 5 1/2 hours, it'll be over.
-deep breath-
my thing is- i want to beat jayme on this exam, but i don't think I will. she seems a lot more prepared than I am. she's beat me on everything so far, except for the hematology quiz- which we were the only two to get 100%.
it sounds stupid, i know, but i guess i'm competitive. she only beat me by 2% on our last immunology exam- but she got over 100% on the hematology exam, so even though I got an A, she beat me on that too.
granted, i was sick that day and the day before, but still... so what.
i can't remember about the hemato lab exam. maybe i beat her on that.
i'm weird.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
eh.
and so i fall apart again.
tonight hasn't been so great.
and i have exam tomorrow in immuno, which is my least favorite class right now.
i might skip parasit lecture. that'll give me a couple more hours of studying tomorrow... since im not being productive tonight. i can get the notes from nicole.
we'll see.
i just...
i don't know.
i dont like myself right now.
tonight hasn't been so great.
and i have exam tomorrow in immuno, which is my least favorite class right now.
i might skip parasit lecture. that'll give me a couple more hours of studying tomorrow... since im not being productive tonight. i can get the notes from nicole.
we'll see.
i just...
i don't know.
i dont like myself right now.
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