banned

I saw my doctor today. I think I went through half a box of tissues while he was talking to me.

He says my bones can take up to 2 or 3 years to repair, and even then, not everyone gets back fully to where they were before their bones weakened. So, my pitiful little 9 months of calcium is nothing. He xrayed my left shin to see if i had a stress fracture- nothing showed up, but stress fractures ususally require bone scans to be able to see them, so i might have one. He gave me two options: get a bone scan and know for sure, or just cross train a few more weeks until the pain goes away. I'm sick of hospitals and didn't want another bone scan, and I shouldn't run anyway, so I'll just let it heal- whatever it is.


My calves and feet problem he believes to be due to electrolyte imbalance. I protested this, since I havne't restricted or over exercised since last July, but he said i mostly likely still metabolize things differently, and it can take awhile for things to go back to normal. He asked if I've ever had gatorade. i said "um, they force fed that to me in the hospital". so he told me to try a diff. flavor or talk to my dietician about other options to get electrolytes in me somehow. I asked about bananas, and he said those are good, but he wants to replace some of the water i'm drinking with something else.
i told him i'd see what i could do.

so after all of this i asked him "will i ever run again?"
and he said YES.

he said it'll be awhile, but he sees no reason for me not to work SLOWLY up to it.

once my shin has healed, he said just walk every other day building up time, not speed. i'll have to do that for a long time to give my bones more time, but it'll help with my calves and feet too.
he said it'll be like strength training any other muscle or tissue. he said "you don't start out bench pressing 150 pounds, you start off lighter and slowly build up weight. we'll treat your bones and muscles the same way with your walking and running"

it makes sense. it's just frustrating.

i got some physical therapy exercises to do for my feet, too.


i'm frustrated because I feel like my 9 months of eating well have been for nothing. My stomach is still a mess, my bones are still weak, my muscles are still a mess, my heart is weird (although no one else seems concerned by that).
i know, logically, that if these last 9 months were anything what they were in the 1-2 years preceding this- i'd be a lot worse off than i am now.
and so i'm trying to remind myself of that, and to be gentle on myself. but it's hard. the whole time i was in there, crying as he told me these things, i couldn't help but realize it's all my fault. How can i not blame myself?
I shot myself in the foot as far as running goes. it's my own damn fault i'm unable to run.

why doesn't 9 healthy months count for anything?


i was going to go to work tonight but i'm not in the mood to be around people (mom, ryann and the girls aren't here right now). i'd rather study a lot today and be able to work more this weekend when the office is closed. i know i keep putting work off, but i just hate being there when everyone is in there working. plus i've been off and on crying all day, and i really don't want to be this emotional while im at work.

so i'm off to study some mycology (parasitology is technically over- we've switched to mycology and in a few weeks it'll be virology...). which doesn't sound fun, either, but i have an exam Monday, so I better get moving.