A quick venting post. Today is our huge annual family (and friend) party at my house. We'll have anywhere from 70-90 people here today. It's always a good time.
Except one of my aunts recently lost weight, and EVERYONE is mentioning how good she looks and commenting on it and congratulating her and blah blah blah blah blah.
And okay, not that I've lost weight for attention, or want praise for it, or do it for anyone except for me and my own sanity and my own control issues- but I've lost freaking 15-20 lbs (i have to estimate because I'm guessing what my highest was) since I reached my highest. and not a single person (except for nathan occasionally when he hugs me) has said anything about it. Is it not noticable? Does that mean I need to lose more? Does it look like I need to lose more?
It's so annoying. Stop talking about aunt Laura. Big f-ing deal. She lost weight, great, now shut up. I hate hearing about it.
I need to go before someone realizes i'm inside.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
move out!
I LOVE OUR APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I was moving in with him now instead of after the wedding!!! I didn't want to drive home to my parents house last night.
I am so ready to move out.
I loved playing wife for a day!
I wish I was moving in with him now instead of after the wedding!!! I didn't want to drive home to my parents house last night.
I am so ready to move out.
I loved playing wife for a day!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
productive? grandpa update
productive day.
got a bridesmaid dress for karen's wedding today. so mom doesn't have to make mine. the size made me happy. two sizes smaller than i had guessed i would have been. and the top is still a little bit too big but mom can help with that.
got everything for the centerpieces, and they are all assembled and in boxes so that the groomsmen can put them on the tables the day of the wedding.
packed the car with stuff from the wedding shower.
met with the DJ one last time w. nathan and finalized our songs.
saw grandpa today when mom and i were out running errands.
that was hard. i didn't say anything to him. mom and aunt ruth were talking to him. he wasn't awake. but i don't know if "sleeping" is correct, either. i knew if i opened my mouth and said anything i'd lose all composure and start crying my eyes out. and i didn't want to do that in front of them. i don't know why.
the deacon came in and said some prayers over him and i had to stare at the wall and zone out so that i couldn't focus on the prayers. i would have started sobbing.
i was basically numb the whole time we were in there. whenever i started tearing up i'd stare at the wall and force it to stop.
his kidneys are starting to work again- his urine output is a lot better than yesterday. his chest x-ray shows the pneumonia isn't any worse than it was yesterday- and we'll take that if it means he's not getting worse.
he might be so out of it and not waking up because his kidneys weren't filtering out the seditives they've been giving him. so they're thinking that's why he isn't waking up yet. i hope that's what it is.
they did a CT scan of his brain and he didn't have a stroke, so that's good news.
tomorrow we move Nathan into our apartment! i'm moving in some of my stuff, but not all of it- obviously.
but i'm SO excited to wash my dishes and silverware and glasses and pots and pans and put them all away in my cupboards! And to wash the towels and the sheets and vacuum and do house-wife stuff! It sounds silly... but it's so different than doing stuff at my parent's house. It's soooo different when it's your own!
I have *my own* dishes! That means I'm growing up! (lets not forget i'm getting married in 16 days!).
crazy.
i need to get to bed.
i'm tired
and tomorrow will be busy.
got a bridesmaid dress for karen's wedding today. so mom doesn't have to make mine. the size made me happy. two sizes smaller than i had guessed i would have been. and the top is still a little bit too big but mom can help with that.
got everything for the centerpieces, and they are all assembled and in boxes so that the groomsmen can put them on the tables the day of the wedding.
packed the car with stuff from the wedding shower.
met with the DJ one last time w. nathan and finalized our songs.
saw grandpa today when mom and i were out running errands.
that was hard. i didn't say anything to him. mom and aunt ruth were talking to him. he wasn't awake. but i don't know if "sleeping" is correct, either. i knew if i opened my mouth and said anything i'd lose all composure and start crying my eyes out. and i didn't want to do that in front of them. i don't know why.
the deacon came in and said some prayers over him and i had to stare at the wall and zone out so that i couldn't focus on the prayers. i would have started sobbing.
i was basically numb the whole time we were in there. whenever i started tearing up i'd stare at the wall and force it to stop.
his kidneys are starting to work again- his urine output is a lot better than yesterday. his chest x-ray shows the pneumonia isn't any worse than it was yesterday- and we'll take that if it means he's not getting worse.
he might be so out of it and not waking up because his kidneys weren't filtering out the seditives they've been giving him. so they're thinking that's why he isn't waking up yet. i hope that's what it is.
they did a CT scan of his brain and he didn't have a stroke, so that's good news.
tomorrow we move Nathan into our apartment! i'm moving in some of my stuff, but not all of it- obviously.
but i'm SO excited to wash my dishes and silverware and glasses and pots and pans and put them all away in my cupboards! And to wash the towels and the sheets and vacuum and do house-wife stuff! It sounds silly... but it's so different than doing stuff at my parent's house. It's soooo different when it's your own!
I have *my own* dishes! That means I'm growing up! (lets not forget i'm getting married in 16 days!).
crazy.
i need to get to bed.
i'm tired
and tomorrow will be busy.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
someone, please just tell me.
I keep having these moments of uncontrollable crying. Then moments of calmness. Then moments of utter numbness. Back and forth and back and forth.
i want to be excited and happy because I'm getting married soon. i have every day planned out until then- of what i need to do, and when, and by when. and if i follow that, i won't be stressed out and everything will get done.
except... what if grandpa dies tomorrow or next week or the day before? Will I be at the hospital for a day? Will I be attending a wake, and a funeral? I will I be an emotional disaster and unable to do anything productive? I hadn't planned on any of this when I figured out my "game plan".
I'd put it in my planner. If only I could know. If only someone could say, "why yes, next Monday, your grandpa will pass away". Then i could say "okay, that sucks. but now i know how to handle everything and adjust, and deal with it. and prepare myself."
If they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa will still be alive, but he'll be too sick to attend your wedding" Then i could say "aww, grandpa will miss it. this makes me sad. but at least he's alive and i know this". Or, if they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa is going to make a great recovery and astound us all and be able to see you get married". then i would say "THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING ME MY GRANDPA!!!" And maybe I could stop crying.
I NEED TO KNOW. But no one can tell me. No one knows.
There is no way to know.
I still haven't gone to visit. But maybe tomorrow.
He's been in a coma this whole time, so I guess I don't feel bad because he wouldn't have known had I been there. They tried waking him up today but he's not really waking up. But they think because his kidneys are failing, the medications they've had him on are taking longer to filter through and it's taking longer for him to come back around. I guess he opened an eye today. and started coughing a bit (his pneumonia is worsening...). but the fact he can cough is a good sign.
he can pull through.
he's stubborn enough.
i want to be excited and happy because I'm getting married soon. i have every day planned out until then- of what i need to do, and when, and by when. and if i follow that, i won't be stressed out and everything will get done.
except... what if grandpa dies tomorrow or next week or the day before? Will I be at the hospital for a day? Will I be attending a wake, and a funeral? I will I be an emotional disaster and unable to do anything productive? I hadn't planned on any of this when I figured out my "game plan".
I'd put it in my planner. If only I could know. If only someone could say, "why yes, next Monday, your grandpa will pass away". Then i could say "okay, that sucks. but now i know how to handle everything and adjust, and deal with it. and prepare myself."
If they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa will still be alive, but he'll be too sick to attend your wedding" Then i could say "aww, grandpa will miss it. this makes me sad. but at least he's alive and i know this". Or, if they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa is going to make a great recovery and astound us all and be able to see you get married". then i would say "THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING ME MY GRANDPA!!!" And maybe I could stop crying.
I NEED TO KNOW. But no one can tell me. No one knows.
There is no way to know.
I still haven't gone to visit. But maybe tomorrow.
He's been in a coma this whole time, so I guess I don't feel bad because he wouldn't have known had I been there. They tried waking him up today but he's not really waking up. But they think because his kidneys are failing, the medications they've had him on are taking longer to filter through and it's taking longer for him to come back around. I guess he opened an eye today. and started coughing a bit (his pneumonia is worsening...). but the fact he can cough is a good sign.
he can pull through.
he's stubborn enough.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Meh
i keep going over the interview in my mind and keep mentally kicking myself for saying certain things and not saying others.
and I keep thinking of my grandpa.
i'm so tired and overwhelmed. but i let P90X kick my ass today, anyway. and went to work.
i want my bed.
but at the same time, i don't feel like going to bed.
i feel all over the place.
i almost broke down into tears when i was at work.
and I keep thinking of my grandpa.
i'm so tired and overwhelmed. but i let P90X kick my ass today, anyway. and went to work.
i want my bed.
but at the same time, i don't feel like going to bed.
i feel all over the place.
i almost broke down into tears when i was at work.
interview
Interview is over. Went well, I think. They seemed to like my lab experience, and how I completely re-did the way the auditing process works at my current job at the PT clinic.
After the interview part of it I had to fill out some paperwork, and part of it was a little mini microbiology quiz. Uhh... uh oh. I haven't done anything micro in a year.
So I was doing pretty well and there were only a few I kind of fudged the answers for. And then I got to a question, "What are the steps of performing a gram stain?"
I sat there for at least 10 minutes trying to remember. I know the steps, I couldn't think of the names of the stains. I COMPLETELY blanked.
She came in and asked how I was doing and I said, "this is going to sound silly, but I've done countless gram stains and taught students how to perform gram stains, and now I'm completely blanking on the names of the stains!" She smiled and said "do you at least remember the colors?" i said yes, so she told me to just put that instead of the name. I said, "you know I'm going to remember as soon as I get the car, right?" She laughed and said "yeah, that's usually how it works".
Crystal Violet and Saphrinine.
and you don't wash between iodine and acetone.
/sigh/
Sounds like I have a good chance of getting a job, though. They're interviewing 5 more people in the course of the following two days. I'm assuming some of my fellow interns. I don't know for sure how many spots are open but I know they're getting desperate because they're losing at least 3 people in June. I changed my availability from June 28th to June 14th so that I looked better. We're getting back from our honeymooon the 12th. and i'm stnading up in a wedding on Friday the 18th. But I'll mention that if and when they offer me the job. Well, they know about the honeymoon- but I forgot to mention the 18th.
The other good thing is that all of the interns that went to MSU never took a microbiology lab. Labs aren't offered there. So, not only have I taken a lab, I also TAd for a lab (even though I obviously can't remember how to do a gram stain.... UGH). But that should put me ahead of them a bit, right?
I hope I get the job.
It was slightly unnerving getting the tour of the lab. I mean... this is the real deal! AHHHHHHHH. I'M GROWING UP!
That's so crazy.
After the interview part of it I had to fill out some paperwork, and part of it was a little mini microbiology quiz. Uhh... uh oh. I haven't done anything micro in a year.
So I was doing pretty well and there were only a few I kind of fudged the answers for. And then I got to a question, "What are the steps of performing a gram stain?"
I sat there for at least 10 minutes trying to remember. I know the steps, I couldn't think of the names of the stains. I COMPLETELY blanked.
She came in and asked how I was doing and I said, "this is going to sound silly, but I've done countless gram stains and taught students how to perform gram stains, and now I'm completely blanking on the names of the stains!" She smiled and said "do you at least remember the colors?" i said yes, so she told me to just put that instead of the name. I said, "you know I'm going to remember as soon as I get the car, right?" She laughed and said "yeah, that's usually how it works".
Crystal Violet and Saphrinine.
and you don't wash between iodine and acetone.
/sigh/
Sounds like I have a good chance of getting a job, though. They're interviewing 5 more people in the course of the following two days. I'm assuming some of my fellow interns. I don't know for sure how many spots are open but I know they're getting desperate because they're losing at least 3 people in June. I changed my availability from June 28th to June 14th so that I looked better. We're getting back from our honeymooon the 12th. and i'm stnading up in a wedding on Friday the 18th. But I'll mention that if and when they offer me the job. Well, they know about the honeymoon- but I forgot to mention the 18th.
The other good thing is that all of the interns that went to MSU never took a microbiology lab. Labs aren't offered there. So, not only have I taken a lab, I also TAd for a lab (even though I obviously can't remember how to do a gram stain.... UGH). But that should put me ahead of them a bit, right?
I hope I get the job.
It was slightly unnerving getting the tour of the lab. I mean... this is the real deal! AHHHHHHHH. I'M GROWING UP!
That's so crazy.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
nightmare
i'm rapid cycling.
i was going nuts earlier this morning. i couldn't stop moving, doing things, everything was entertaining. i couldn't stop fidgiting. i was completely crawling out of my skin.
and then i crashed.
and then i was numb and kept distracting myself and nathan was over and i wasn't letting myself think.
and then we went to Mass at 830pm, and i couldn't stop crying, because i no longer had a distraction and was praying for grandpa.
and now i just want to stare at the wall in completely numbness.
and i realize that crying over a sick grandpa isn't the definition of cycling- it's more that that amplified things. I seriously was hypo-manic this morning, and i am in no way manic at all anymore. I definitely noticed the crash in the afternoon. and it's been like that for a few days. off and on and off and on. high low high low
i feel like i'm living in a nightmare.
(oh yeah- and i have a job interview in 10 hours... great.)
i was going nuts earlier this morning. i couldn't stop moving, doing things, everything was entertaining. i couldn't stop fidgiting. i was completely crawling out of my skin.
and then i crashed.
and then i was numb and kept distracting myself and nathan was over and i wasn't letting myself think.
and then we went to Mass at 830pm, and i couldn't stop crying, because i no longer had a distraction and was praying for grandpa.
and now i just want to stare at the wall in completely numbness.
and i realize that crying over a sick grandpa isn't the definition of cycling- it's more that that amplified things. I seriously was hypo-manic this morning, and i am in no way manic at all anymore. I definitely noticed the crash in the afternoon. and it's been like that for a few days. off and on and off and on. high low high low
i feel like i'm living in a nightmare.
(oh yeah- and i have a job interview in 10 hours... great.)
Finally.
**Possible Trigger???-- I mention weight-- but from a healthy stand point... so maybe not?**
I've lost Xlbs in the last week!!!!!
And I haven't been starving, and I haven't been over-exercising.
I actually ate MORE than I normally do!
I finally tried to TRUST that people who said that eating in the upper end of your range can help you lose weight and end a weight-loss plateau! They were right!!!!
I've been making sure I get plenty of protein, too. It's been easier this time (compared to when I increased my protein during lent). I'm not doing the high-protein-low-carb thing, because "there's no such thing as a 'bad' food", so I don't cut any one thing out.. But the extra calories I've added have been mostly protein, and I seriously think that's helping!
FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY!
In other news, I'm still stressed out and grandpa is still sick. but hey- at least I got a happy surprise when I weighed myself this morning.
I've lost Xlbs in the last week!!!!!
And I haven't been starving, and I haven't been over-exercising.
I actually ate MORE than I normally do!
I finally tried to TRUST that people who said that eating in the upper end of your range can help you lose weight and end a weight-loss plateau! They were right!!!!
I've been making sure I get plenty of protein, too. It's been easier this time (compared to when I increased my protein during lent). I'm not doing the high-protein-low-carb thing, because "there's no such thing as a 'bad' food", so I don't cut any one thing out.. But the extra calories I've added have been mostly protein, and I seriously think that's helping!
FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY!
In other news, I'm still stressed out and grandpa is still sick. but hey- at least I got a happy surprise when I weighed myself this morning.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Worsening
Grandpa is septic now.
He's being pumped up with broad-spectrum antibiotics.
Chain reaction....
Chain reaction.....
He's being pumped up with broad-spectrum antibiotics.
Chain reaction....
Chain reaction.....
paralysis
it took me 10 minutes to write an email.
a short email.
i just can't focus on anything.
i want to shut down.
i need to go write thank you cards.
but i want to shut down.
and i want to go to bed.
"Perfection leads to procrastination leads to paralysis"
a short email.
i just can't focus on anything.
i want to shut down.
i need to go write thank you cards.
but i want to shut down.
and i want to go to bed.
"Perfection leads to procrastination leads to paralysis"
chain reaction
my grandpa has been in a drug induced coma for a couple of days. they were going to wake him up today. but now he has pneumonia. and he's too weak to cough, so if they wake him up, he'll try to cough, but he can't, so it won't work, and he'll get worse. So they have him on IV- antibiotics (without knowing if it's viral or bacterial... STUPID DOCTORS!!!), and they plan on keeping him in the coma until Monday or Tuesday.
Chain reaction...
Chain reaction....
Chain reaction.....
Chain reaction....
Death.
sorry to be so morbid.
but this is how it was with grandma.
Chain reaction...
Chain reaction....
Chain reaction.....
Chain reaction....
Death.
sorry to be so morbid.
but this is how it was with grandma.
another title
I turned my day around a bit. I got myself to help my mom and sister sew. I finished bethany's dress for them, which i know was a huge relief to them. It was a productive day and we all feel much better.
Late afternoon--- I didn't do too much. I felt bad leaving for a few hours to go to work, so I didn't. That probably wasn't the best. But I've felt guilty not being home much. So at least I finished bethany's dress.
Then I went to my brother's house to make a photobook (my SIL was hosting a shutterfly photobook making party and we all got a free photobook out of the deal. That was fun. Except it was mostly her side of the family, plus two of her friends. So I felt like the odd one out. Which I hate. But I put together a book and it's cute, and I socialized.
I came home and everyone was already in bed. So I watched the Craig Ferguson episode from last night on my laptop (he's my all time favorite late-night show. and the only one I watch, but he's on super late and usually watch it the next day). He's hilarious. I also took a xanax while driving home.
Hopefully it helps me sleep tonight.
I feel like a drug addict. Except I'm not.
But i feel weird relying on drugs to sleep. i dont feel bad about rozerem, since that's more natural and non-habit forming... unlike xanax. But i've been so anxious lately.
i need to get to bed.
my goal is to get up by 7am every morning. i want to become a morning person like i used to be. so far it's not really working. it's still a struggle to get up that early. I might extend it to 8 tomorrow. since i can't workout at home in the morning since ryann and the girls will be here. which is annoying since it throws off my whole schedule.
i feel kind of bad putting a workout before family.
that's not a good thing.
maybe. i don't know.
my other sister is planning my bacholorette party. i told everyone that i don't want to go out. i really don't. i don't enjoy going out. and i don't like surprises. i need to plan. i need to know what i'll be doing at every moment of each day. and i don't like going out. so she emails us today and says "is everyone free on the 28th? get babysitters- we're going out". and she wouldn't tell me where we were going and what was involved.
she called me this afternoon and said "okay, i'll run this by you because it involves dinner and food and I know how you are about that." she wants to go to a japanese steakhouse (where they cook the dinner in front of us). I've been to one before and it was okay. It's not my first choice by any means of restaurtant food (since the only thing i typically trust while eating out is salads), but I okayed it.
I'm glad that she ran it by me. Because now I can plan the day (food/exercise wise accordingly). but the fact that she "knows how [i am] about about that is a little bit concerning.
not really concerning, i guess. just more annoying.
i guess i've become more strict with it. i'm not restricting-- just-- more strict. and workouts are becoming increasingly important (as i'm sure is becoming obvious with my constant mention of them). anyway. i need to go to bed. because i need to wake up early.
i can't be lazy.
too much to do.
can't waste time.
Late afternoon--- I didn't do too much. I felt bad leaving for a few hours to go to work, so I didn't. That probably wasn't the best. But I've felt guilty not being home much. So at least I finished bethany's dress.
Then I went to my brother's house to make a photobook (my SIL was hosting a shutterfly photobook making party and we all got a free photobook out of the deal. That was fun. Except it was mostly her side of the family, plus two of her friends. So I felt like the odd one out. Which I hate. But I put together a book and it's cute, and I socialized.
I came home and everyone was already in bed. So I watched the Craig Ferguson episode from last night on my laptop (he's my all time favorite late-night show. and the only one I watch, but he's on super late and usually watch it the next day). He's hilarious. I also took a xanax while driving home.
Hopefully it helps me sleep tonight.
I feel like a drug addict. Except I'm not.
But i feel weird relying on drugs to sleep. i dont feel bad about rozerem, since that's more natural and non-habit forming... unlike xanax. But i've been so anxious lately.
i need to get to bed.
my goal is to get up by 7am every morning. i want to become a morning person like i used to be. so far it's not really working. it's still a struggle to get up that early. I might extend it to 8 tomorrow. since i can't workout at home in the morning since ryann and the girls will be here. which is annoying since it throws off my whole schedule.
i feel kind of bad putting a workout before family.
that's not a good thing.
maybe. i don't know.
my other sister is planning my bacholorette party. i told everyone that i don't want to go out. i really don't. i don't enjoy going out. and i don't like surprises. i need to plan. i need to know what i'll be doing at every moment of each day. and i don't like going out. so she emails us today and says "is everyone free on the 28th? get babysitters- we're going out". and she wouldn't tell me where we were going and what was involved.
she called me this afternoon and said "okay, i'll run this by you because it involves dinner and food and I know how you are about that." she wants to go to a japanese steakhouse (where they cook the dinner in front of us). I've been to one before and it was okay. It's not my first choice by any means of restaurtant food (since the only thing i typically trust while eating out is salads), but I okayed it.
I'm glad that she ran it by me. Because now I can plan the day (food/exercise wise accordingly). but the fact that she "knows how [i am] about about that is a little bit concerning.
not really concerning, i guess. just more annoying.
i guess i've become more strict with it. i'm not restricting-- just-- more strict. and workouts are becoming increasingly important (as i'm sure is becoming obvious with my constant mention of them). anyway. i need to go to bed. because i need to wake up early.
i can't be lazy.
too much to do.
can't waste time.
Friday, May 14, 2010
apathetic
i don't feel like leaving my room.
i dont feel like being awake.
but it doesn't matter. because i can't stay here all day and I can't sleep all day.
but damn it, i don't care.
my head feels messy.
i dont feel like being awake.
but it doesn't matter. because i can't stay here all day and I can't sleep all day.
but damn it, i don't care.
my head feels messy.
sleep and panic
Knocked myself out last night. Was asleep by 10:30. Woke up at 7 again. Not too shabby. If only I could do that every night/morning and not require drugs to do so.
I like starting my workouts by 8am. I feel like I waste less time that way.
I feel calmer today. Except I just looked at my planner and had a mini panic attack. I have 3 days in which something isn't scheduled. Only 3. Until the day of the wedding.
THIS IS INSANE.
I like starting my workouts by 8am. I feel like I waste less time that way.
I feel calmer today. Except I just looked at my planner and had a mini panic attack. I have 3 days in which something isn't scheduled. Only 3. Until the day of the wedding.
THIS IS INSANE.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
craziness
So I have officially began freaking out about the wedding. Not getting married... just... everything involved. I feel like everyone is hounding me about something or another, and everyone needs my time. And I don't have time. And I have to devote time to exercise or I will simply explode. But then I feel guilty because that is time that could be spent doing something else. But, if I don't workout then I'm going to freaking panic and be useless.
My sister and my nieces might be staying the weekend so that Ryann and mom and sew and me and dad can watch the girls. Sounds fine, right? WRONG.
I can't workout when the girls are here. And it's been 45 degrees and rainy for a week and I doubt it will change by the weekend, so running is out (not that I can even run enough to consider it a decent workout yet). And, I need to get into work. Ryann was here sewing when I got back from Bethany's house (she did another hair-trial for the wedding). I came home to change and grab a snack, then I needed to go to work for a few hours. Mom and Ryann tried to guilt-trip me into staying to help them. I said "I'm so sorry that I have a job and responsibilities". IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I have to work. I have to get caught up. I have to somehow, sometime train the new girl so she can take over.
Oh, did I mention? I have a job interview for the microbiology department of the same hospital that I'm going to be interning at- this Monday. The potential job will start sometime in June. But I don't know when, yet. So I have to train this girl so I can leave my current job to start at the hospital. I'm so freaking excited about working there, but I'm so freaked out about the interview, and about the deadlines, and about losing most of Monday and not being able to exercise/ work/ help with sewing/ babysit the girls.
On these busy days, something has to give. And I hate when it's the exercise. I can't handle it. It's the one thing I have to cling to right now. It's the only time of day I have a clear mind because I'm focusing on what I'm doing, and the [good] pain associated with it, and I'm alone. Plus it keeps me eating well. I always sleep and eat better when I am able to exercise regularly. I need it right now.
Oh, and have I mentioned that my grandpa is in the hospital right now in a drug-induced coma because of complications of a surgery he had a few days ago? Yeah. So I was up all night hearing the phone ring, my mom answer, and then trying to hear what she's saying and determine if it's good news or bad news, then falling back asleep only to be woken up by the phone again.
I finally got to sleep around 3am. I woke up at 7am and couldn't fall back asleep. I then got up, ate breakfast, drank coffee, and worked out for almost 2 hours. I know, I know. I had too much pent-up nervous energy. I called Nathan and mentioned it and he asked how I even managed to have a long, intense workout on so little sleep. And I said, "I have no idea but it kind of worries me".
I feel so on edge right now. I'm shaking. And it's not anxiety, exactly, it's more like my mind is going a million miles and hour and I want to do a million things at once and now I'm freaked out that i'm getting manic. Except... I don't know.
I guess that would be a good thing, eh? Getting lots done on little sleep... what a perfect scenario 24 days before a wedding, right? Except it's not a good thing. If that's even what it is. It probably isn't.
But if you could only see how fast I'm typing this and know how fast my mind is racing....
And I know it's illogical, but I want to workout again tonight so that I don't have to tomorrow. But that doesn't make sense. And I already did a lot today. And it was intense (P90X!). And my parents would get concerned if I started exercising again when I already did this morning. And I'd be too tired/sore/injured tomorrow if I did. But I can't sit still.
And I can't stop shaking.
I should help my mom sew. But that takes patience. and sitting still and carefulness.
None of which I'm currently capable of.
ok. at 9pm, when it's "acceptable" (at least in my mind) to go to bed, I will take xananx and rozerem (and possibly benadryll if we have any) and conk myself out.
That seems to nip the manicness in the bud. If I can force myself to actually sleep, somehow my body gets back to normal.
aa;sidkg'askdng;as idgahs'ignasd;lkgnasd;'gljasd gisandgknas;dijsad;knasdkclnmasdlk
I feel like I"m going insane.
My sister and my nieces might be staying the weekend so that Ryann and mom and sew and me and dad can watch the girls. Sounds fine, right? WRONG.
I can't workout when the girls are here. And it's been 45 degrees and rainy for a week and I doubt it will change by the weekend, so running is out (not that I can even run enough to consider it a decent workout yet). And, I need to get into work. Ryann was here sewing when I got back from Bethany's house (she did another hair-trial for the wedding). I came home to change and grab a snack, then I needed to go to work for a few hours. Mom and Ryann tried to guilt-trip me into staying to help them. I said "I'm so sorry that I have a job and responsibilities". IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I have to work. I have to get caught up. I have to somehow, sometime train the new girl so she can take over.
Oh, did I mention? I have a job interview for the microbiology department of the same hospital that I'm going to be interning at- this Monday. The potential job will start sometime in June. But I don't know when, yet. So I have to train this girl so I can leave my current job to start at the hospital. I'm so freaking excited about working there, but I'm so freaked out about the interview, and about the deadlines, and about losing most of Monday and not being able to exercise/ work/ help with sewing/ babysit the girls.
On these busy days, something has to give. And I hate when it's the exercise. I can't handle it. It's the one thing I have to cling to right now. It's the only time of day I have a clear mind because I'm focusing on what I'm doing, and the [good] pain associated with it, and I'm alone. Plus it keeps me eating well. I always sleep and eat better when I am able to exercise regularly. I need it right now.
Oh, and have I mentioned that my grandpa is in the hospital right now in a drug-induced coma because of complications of a surgery he had a few days ago? Yeah. So I was up all night hearing the phone ring, my mom answer, and then trying to hear what she's saying and determine if it's good news or bad news, then falling back asleep only to be woken up by the phone again.
I finally got to sleep around 3am. I woke up at 7am and couldn't fall back asleep. I then got up, ate breakfast, drank coffee, and worked out for almost 2 hours. I know, I know. I had too much pent-up nervous energy. I called Nathan and mentioned it and he asked how I even managed to have a long, intense workout on so little sleep. And I said, "I have no idea but it kind of worries me".
I feel so on edge right now. I'm shaking. And it's not anxiety, exactly, it's more like my mind is going a million miles and hour and I want to do a million things at once and now I'm freaked out that i'm getting manic. Except... I don't know.
I guess that would be a good thing, eh? Getting lots done on little sleep... what a perfect scenario 24 days before a wedding, right? Except it's not a good thing. If that's even what it is. It probably isn't.
But if you could only see how fast I'm typing this and know how fast my mind is racing....
And I know it's illogical, but I want to workout again tonight so that I don't have to tomorrow. But that doesn't make sense. And I already did a lot today. And it was intense (P90X!). And my parents would get concerned if I started exercising again when I already did this morning. And I'd be too tired/sore/injured tomorrow if I did. But I can't sit still.
And I can't stop shaking.
I should help my mom sew. But that takes patience. and sitting still and carefulness.
None of which I'm currently capable of.
ok. at 9pm, when it's "acceptable" (at least in my mind) to go to bed, I will take xananx and rozerem (and possibly benadryll if we have any) and conk myself out.
That seems to nip the manicness in the bud. If I can force myself to actually sleep, somehow my body gets back to normal.
aa;sidkg'askdng;as idgahs'ignasd;lkgnasd;'gljasd gisandgknas;dijsad;knasdkclnmasdlk
I feel like I"m going insane.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
her, not me.
I need to start journaling more. I should probably dust off my paper journals.
And start writing in third person again. Somehow that helps me make better sense of my thoughts.
And start writing in third person again. Somehow that helps me make better sense of my thoughts.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Old times
I'm cleaning my room and I found an old notebook I used as a journal. This was a few months before I broke up with my first boyfriend, and a few months from my huge anorexia relapse.
Reading it was weird. (and the formatting is as close as I could get to how I actually wrote it in my journal. i tend to write all over the page like that.)
Reading it was weird. (and the formatting is as close as I could get to how I actually wrote it in my journal. i tend to write all over the page like that.)
July 29, 2006
I know, I know
I hate myself
Same story. Different day.
Perfect opportunity to not eat and workout.
And what did I do?
The complete opposite.
Why? Why am I so stupid?
Seriously
I know, I know
I’ve heard it all before.
Same story,
Different day
Over and over you promise to change.
Over and over you never do.
Good intentions, sure.
But it’s not getting us anywhere.
I hear you.
Over and over
Same story, promise, oath
Broken record. Broken promise
Broken self
A change will come. It can
You have to make it happen.
The next different day; make it a different story.
Change your life one day at a time
You watch her, she doesn’t know
You read her like no one else can
You love her, but she’s not sure
You watch her break down
You know she’s strong, but she seems so fragile
Inside you break
You break for her
Reach out to save her.
In anyway you can.
But she pushes you away.
From a distance, you watch her
You feel her
You know her
Inside, you break for her.
Can you bear to leave? Knowing nothing changes either way?
You love her all the same.
But she doesn’t anymore.
Can you bear to see the one you love the most not even be able to love herself?
The one you love the most is the one she hates the most.
Can you take that?
Can you take her doubt?
Can you bear her pain?
Can you?
Can you bear what she’s going to put you through?
Turn around and leave
It’s not too late
You can free yourself from her.
Turn. Turn Away.
Run
Can you bear it?
Can you bear leaving?
Can you bear staying?
Her and you.
Once made so much sense.
Perfect, seamless.
But she breaks down.
Can you bear that?
She doubts.
Can you bear that? Can you?
Stay and she’ll destroy you.
Until there is nothing left.
Chew and spit you out.
She’s no longer in it for the longrun.
Stay.
But she won’t.
Can you bear it?
Do you have what it takes? To show them who you are?
They see a pretty face. A happy smile.
Do you have what it takes to show them?
The pain and torment that lives behind those eyes.
To you, life is no fairy tale.
There are no happy endings and prince Charmings
Maybe an evil witch or two.
A fire or an arrow strike.
The story stopped before the happy ending.
And here you are in
endless misery
Stuck.
Trapped in your castle.
No one will save you.
No one knows you need saving.
What will you do.
When you’ve given it all you’ve got
And it’s still not enough?
What then?
When the road before you crumbles,
and the bridge behind you burns?
What then?
No one can save you.
Truth is, you’re not worth saving.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
running
I love running. I ran Monday and today. Outside. In the warm sunshine. Not very far, not very fast. Walking mixed in there. But it was running.
I can't wait until I build up my old endurance.
I told Nathan that if we got p90x, I wouldn't need or want a gym membership. Between that and running I'd be satisified with workouts. And it would ultimately save money. He was all for it. I'm excited.
I love not having school!
I RAN TODAY!!!!!
Monday, May 3, 2010
pipettes!
This is me working in the lab (I believe day 2).
I love pipetting... so I had stephanie take my picture.
Because pipetting is awesome.
And so is the lab.
--------------------------
I was supposed to be going over to my future SIL's house on Tuesday.
But I just read her FB status and it said she was counting down for the concert on Tuesday.
The concert which is on the other side of Michigan.
So... she basically forgot she said I could come over.
That probably hurts more than it should.
I called Nathan to make sure she was talking about this Tuesday.
She was.
I said, "way to be, Bethany, way to be"
He said "aw, she didn't mean to. she just overbooks herself"
Well.. yeah. Apparently.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
summa cum laude!
Graduation was today:::
I recieved: Bacholor of Science in Medical Laboratory Science: specialization in Clinical Lab Science. Minor in Psychology. University and departmental honors, and Summa Cum Laude!
I recieved: Bacholor of Science in Medical Laboratory Science: specialization in Clinical Lab Science. Minor in Psychology. University and departmental honors, and Summa Cum Laude!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
