someone, please just tell me.

I keep having these moments of uncontrollable crying.  Then moments of calmness.  Then moments of utter numbness. Back and forth and back and forth.

i want to be excited and happy because I'm getting married soon.  i have every day planned out until then- of what i need to do, and when, and by when.  and if i follow that, i won't be stressed out and everything will get done.

except... what if grandpa dies tomorrow or next week or the day before?  Will I be at the hospital for a day?  Will I be attending a wake, and a funeral?  I will I be an emotional disaster and unable to do anything productive?  I hadn't planned on any of this when I figured out my "game plan". 

I'd put it in my planner.  If only I could know.  If only someone could say, "why yes, next Monday, your grandpa will pass away".  Then i could say "okay, that sucks.  but now i know how to handle everything and adjust, and deal with it. and prepare myself."
If they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa will still be alive, but he'll be too sick to attend your wedding"  Then i could say "aww, grandpa will miss it.  this makes me sad.  but at least he's alive and i know this".  Or, if they could just say "don't worry, your grandpa is going to make a great recovery and astound us all and be able to see you get married".  then i would say "THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING ME MY GRANDPA!!!"  And maybe I could stop crying. 

I NEED TO KNOW.  But no one can tell me.  No one knows. 
There is no way to know.

I still haven't gone to visit.  But maybe tomorrow.
He's been in a coma this whole time, so I guess I don't feel bad because he wouldn't have known had I been there.  They tried waking him up today but he's not really waking up.  But they think because his kidneys are failing, the medications they've had him on are taking longer to filter through and it's taking longer for him to come back around.  I guess he opened an eye today.  and started coughing a bit (his pneumonia is worsening...).  but the fact he can cough is a good sign.

he can pull through.
he's stubborn enough.