old thoughts

Yesterday didn't go so well. I couldn't stand the feeling of food in my stomach. I got panicky if I felt full at all, or didn't feel hungry. I didn't manage to have any lunch or snacks. I just couldn't get myself to do it.

We went out to eat last night with all of Nathan's family, plus his aunt, uncle and cousin from TN. 13 in all. I didn't manage to eat much, but I don't think anyone noticed, except maybe his one sister who kept eyeing me a little.

I don't know where that came from. I have my theories, but I'm really not sure.
I think part of it is that I've finally lost a little bit of weight (the healthy way), and it felt good to fit into some old clothes again, and it kind of brought me back to how it was when i started losing all of the weight really rapidly (not that i lost the weight rapidly this time).
Plus i was weighing myself every morning for awhile. I need to not do that. I hadn't done that for well over a year and a half. And I don't know why I started. Curiosity, maybe.

But it scared me- two ways. First, the thought scared me- the thought that I used to have every waking moment of my life for a really long time. And second, because part of me didn't care... and was excited by it.


I've managed to eat today. Going to a pig roast at Nathan's sister's tonight, though. And so I'm not sure what to expect, and I hate not being able to plan my meals ahead to know how to have the rest of my day go. I usually figure the whole day out in the morning so I can get everything together right then and there. And I can't do that tonight. Because I have no idea what i'll be able to eat there. I still have half of my day's worth of calories to go, though, and only dinner and an evening snack to go (if i end up breaking it up that way). I've just been nervous so my lunch and afternoon snack were on the small side to "prepare" for tonight.

What's going on in my head right now?
Why am I freaking out again?