Drained

I don't know what to do today.
I just got out of biochem, so I either go to the rec and workout, or I go home and start working on the paper right away.
I haven't exercised in 2 days, so skipping today makes day #3.
That doesn't sit well with me.

But I'm so tired.
I've slept so much the last 3 days, though, so this is stupid.
I slept most of Sunday because of the ativan. Then I slept in on Monday, so I got about 9 hours of sleep.
I fell asleep on the couch last night after micro- again while Nathan was over... i felt bad about that.
I went to bed at 10, as soon as he left, and woke up at 730. So another 9+ hours of sleep there.
and yet it feels like i haven't slept in days.
i keep yawning and don't feel like moving, and exercising right now does not sound appealing, even though i really need to do something.

The tiredness is probably from the anxiety. That's the only thing I can think of.
plus i'm afraid to drink too much coffee because i don't want to get shakey--- i don't want to feel anything that is similar to anxiety right now. i can't handle that. i still feel too fragile and vunerable.

i talked to my micro prof last night- told her about the panic attack and the anxiety- how i had to have Nathan drive me to and from campus because i was in no condition to be driving. i told her i had a good chunck of the paper done, and it wasn't like i had been procrastinating and just trying to buy extra time- but that i had planned on working on it more this weekend and yesterday, and the anxiety and panic attacks came unexpectedly and screwed up that plan.
she said "well, see what you can do and let me know Wednesday how it went. it's that time of year- with finals- you're probably bring a lot of the anxiety upon yourself."

uhh.. okay, that doesn't help me at all.
For one thing, i'm not stressed about school right now. aside from this paper, i dont have anything to do until my 3 finals that a few weeks away.
And then- what if i dont' have it completed by wednesday and she decides she doesn't care, and then i get screwed over.

not helpful at all.

im going to try to get it done tonight.
i had told dad i'd email him my paper monday night- well, that didn't happen
he called to see if i had sent it and it didn't go through- so i called him back and said i'd try to send it tonight.

i guess i'll skip the gym... again.
i hate that. i really do.
but i really need to finish the paper tonight, so that in the morning i can do finishing touches on it, and i dont have to worry about dad or my prof's reactions to not having it done.

i have all day.
it's only noon.
if i go home now, i'll be home by 12:45. i can eat lunch, and then get started on it. take breaks when i need to. make sure i stay calm.
my brain typically starts shutting off around 10pm, so that gives me a lot of time to work on it.
i should be okay.


i can do this
i can do this
i can do this.


anxiety levels aren't as high today.
it's just the exhaustion i'm fighting.
hopefully the anxiety stays away and lets me finish this damn thing.

i am shakey.
i'm telling myself it's coffee and provigil.

i'm not anxious...
got that, body?
now- stay that way.