panic

i'm not okay today.

i slept most of yesterday, due to the ativan.

i woke up, still anxious.

ive been working on my paper, i have 3 pages done, and a few more ideas of what to write about.

but it's hard to focus on that when i'm freaking out and shaking and bursting into tears for no reason.

i want to take more ativan, to sleep this off.
but i can't.
i'm already skipping micro lecture. i should have already left for class, but i can't. theres no way.
i have lab at 5, and i can't miss that. we're doing our unknowns, and i can't afford to miss a lab right now.
so i have until 4:15 to stop freaking out enough to be able to drive and functon around people.


i'm going to have to talk to prof W about getting the notes from lecture today. i'll probably tell her i wasn't feeling well enough to make it. which is true.
i'm debating on whether or not to tell her i've been on the brink of a panic attack and haven't been able to focus to work on the paper.
to see if i can turn it in after thanksgiving.
i doubt she'll let me, but it's worth a shot?
i have a good chunk done, and i'll tell her that. say ive been working on it and it isn't procrastionation that's causing me to need more time, but the fact that i can't think straight because my mind has been in panic mode for the last two days and i dont know when it'll stop.

i dont know.

i can't take this.

i wish i wasn't home alone.
i wish mom was here.
somebody.
i'd even take dad, at this point.

i just can't handle this.
i'm shaking so badly
and crying.
and freaking out.

i shouldn't be alone right now.

i hope i can drive later.
and i hope that i can funciton in lab, and make sense of things and not ruin my unknowns because i'm too out of it to think straight.



i seriously can't take this anymore.

i called susan but she didn't answer, either.
must be in with someone else.


i dont even know what to do with myself.
i seriously want to take ativan again, but i really can't.
i HAVE to make it to lab tonight.
i have no choice.


i have no idea what to do.

no idea.

no fucking idea.

i can't make this stop.

i can't stop crying.
i can't stop shaking.
i can't stop panicking.


i can't take this anymore.