hurry up, morning

holy.cow.

anxious much?

i haven't been able to sleep well tonight.
have been in and out of sleep.

whenever i think about falling asleep it gets harder to breathe.

i woke up a few minutes ago, panicky.
i can't wait until the night is over and i can 'wake up'.
i thought it must at least be 4am.
i looked, and it was only 130.
i groaned.
i wanted to scream.

TONIGHT NEEDS TO END, NOW!

i needed to just get up.
i took rozerem.
i wanted to take more than one.
i'm so desperate to fall sound asleep so that i'm numb to everything

but i didnt- i only took one.
then quickly left my room so that i wouldn't be tempted.
i'll play freecell for awhile.
freecell is always relaxing to me.

oh my gosh
i'm shaking.
i feel like i'm going to throw up.
it seriously needs to be morning.
5 minutes ago.

not that i'll necessarily feel better in the morning, but at least i can get up and not think about sleeping.

i'm so tired.
i only got 3 hours of sleep last night.

i hate my body.
in every possible way.

my mind keeps screaming at me, "YOUR BODY DOESN'T DESERVE FOOD. DENY IT. DENY IT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!"

oh how i want to listen to that.