rain on my parade

I'm sick and tired of my dad always raining on my parade. I've been trying SO hard to talk to him more. Because so many times I'll tell mom something, and she'll end up mentioning it to him and he'll ask her "why didn't she ever tell me that?" and be all sad about it. Then mom tells me this, and I feel guilty, so I figure I'll grow up and actually talk to my dad.

But he keeps reminding me why I stopped talking to him in the first place.
He's so negative! Is he capable of being happy for me? Is he capable of being proud of me? So far I haven't had any indication of that. I seemingly have a very disappointing unfruitful life. Someone has the be the disappointment in the family, though, right?

Tonight wasn't even a big deal. It just set me off. Little things from him set me off. Why? Because I've let my guard down. Because I'm trying to be an adult with him. I'm trying to let him in. Because I'm going against what I've done since I was 14 by actually trying to talk to him.


When I got home tonight, he was on the computer, and before I went upstairs I thought I'd share with him my awesome and exciting news.

I WENT RUNNING TODAY!!!!!
and it didn't hurt and everything felt AMAZING.

I new better than to tell him how much (an hour, total. but 20 of those minutes were walking), but I told him how awesome it felt to finally run again.

without even looking up at me he said "now, did your doctor and your "treatment team" tell you could do that. or was this your doing?"

i just stammered something along the lines of "no one would tell me when I could run again, so i decided to try it out to see how it felt... and it was fine"

"oh", is all he said. disappointment was dripping from his voice.

i ran upstairs.

"was this your doing"

seriously?
I'm so sorry dad that I have been completely complient with EVERYTHING that was thrown at me at Rogers and from Lisa and everyone else since I've been home. Hardly any restricting, no purging, no over exercising. NOTHING. So I'm oh so sorry that i went ahead and did something that I've missed so much for an incredibly long time and have been refraining from even though it insanely hard to and i miss it and just... everything.

heaven forbid i test myself.
heaven forbid i do what i enjoy.
heaven forbid i'm not 100% responsible all the time.
sorry i'm 22 years old and follow pretty much every rule ever put upon me.
oh, but i went running without "permission"
how dare i?

Running today felt amazing.
Maybe 40 minutes was too much. But you know what? My body felt strong. I didn't feel like I was overdoing it. I was watching out for any tweak or twinge. anything evidence of pain. any hint that maybe something wasn't right. if i had noticed ANYTHING, i would have stopped, no questions asked.
i haven't felt this strong in a long time.
i've been taking my calcium.
i've been doing workouts to help strengthen my bones.

who can blame me for testing it?
NO ONE will give me an answer as to when i can run. no matter how many times i ask.
so screw them.
they don't know anymore than i do, apparently.
and i know more than them because i know what my body feels like.
i know when something isn't right.

the difference is- now I'll actually pay attention and respect that and stop what i'm doing if i need to.

so was 40 minutes too long my first time back?
maybe.
did i get injured?
no.
will i run again soon?
yes.
but do i know enough not to run again tomorrow?
of course.


my dad is annoying me, more than anything.
this was just one more snide remark he made about something postive.
will he ever be able to not be negative?
what will he say to me when i graduate from college?
what about when i get my first "real job"
what about when i get married?
in his eyes, will i do anything right?

it's like he hasn't gotten over my "dark years" yet.
like he still sees me as his silent daughter dressed mostly in black with cuts and scars and bruises running up each leg and each arm. he's still embarrased by me? i'm still that disappointment who was too "lazy" to get through highschool "on time". (his words to me when i graduated from highschool: "it's about time.".... gee- thanks).

i'm too sensitive.
it was just about running.
his words shouldn't matter.
but he's still my father, and i'm still waiting for him to say he's proud of me.
and i'm getting tired of trying to have him be part of my life and working hard not to shut him out- only to keep getting knocked down.

i wasn't negative when he became a deacon. decided to retire early. decided to write a book, go back to school for the one millionth time, get the sub-teaching job, etc.

but- i become secretary for golden key. or i finally go running. or don't do things in the same order as my siblings. or whatever else i've done that he doesn't approve of and well... i just get to continue in the role of being the disappointment.

it's a role i should just get used to.