All over the place

I haven't been avoiding writing or anything lately, have I?  Nah... it's just been a week and a half...

Summary of the last week and a half:  I got a nasty cold.  My professor gave me crap about not taking the exam on Monday (then called my mom and burst into tears and had to go to Nathan's house because I couldn't stop crying for over an hour).  I took it Wednesday anyway and it was fine.  Finished my ethics paper.  Procrastinated on my molecular pathology paper.  Haven't studied for the molecular diagnostics lab final that is this Friday yet.  Nathan officially become Catholic last Saturday at the Easter Vigil!!!  I cried because I was soo happy! :)  Decided I don't like the new narcolepsy medication yet I haven't switched back to my old one yet.  Found some good verses while reading the bible two nights ago that are making me a lot less freaked out about things.  Had a fun birthday celebration with my niece turning 6 last week and had a fun Easter celebration with my nieces and my 8 month old nephew running/ crawling around the house on Sunday.  And... that's about it.


Today Nathan's sister, Bethany, came over to help mom sew her bridesmaid dress.  I'm completely confused now.  I always thought we were about the same size. But I saw her measurements written down and realized I am FIVE inches smaller than her everywhere.  Bust, waist, hips, everywhere!  Seriously?  How is that even possible?  I feel like I'm as big as her.  How are my eyes that messed up?  How is my body image that disorted that I add at least 5 inches to myself.  I spent the rest of the afternoon looking at Bethany trying to figure it out.  I don't think she's all that big (even though I wouldn't be okay with it for me..), so if I'm smaller than her than I can't be all that big, either?  BUT I AM HUGE.  I don't get it.  I just don't get it. 

I've been getting stricter with myself about eating.  Not restricting... just... progressively more perfectionistic about it. 

Susan told me last week in therapy that, although she's a health care professional and cares for my wellbeing and could never be okay with me falling back into anorexia, she said she COMPLETELY understands why it would make sense to, in my mind.  She said, "well sure, why wouldn't you?"  and I couldn't answer her. 
In my mind, my body is going to be sick and exhausted either way.  When I'm eating well, I'm still tired.  And I'm still unhappy with my size.  But, if I stop eating, I'll be tired.  But- I'll have a reason why I'm tired so it won't be as frustrating.  Because at least then, my exhaustion wouldn't be a mystery that no one could figure out. It's easy to figure out if I'm not eating. Plus, I wouldn't be as unhappy with my size anymore. 
If I'm going to feel sick everyday of my life, I might as well get something out of it (ie: weight loss), right?  At least be able to control SOMETHING.  Because ever since I've been hom from IP, I've eaten well and have tried to lose weight, and it has been sooo difficult.  And then, my body crashes and I'm unable to exercise for X amount of time because I'm too sick, so of course I can't lose weight... because my body sucks and continues to be sick... even though I feed it now.  So why bother feeding it? 

It hates me- I'll hate it back.

I'm glad she said she understood that.  Not because I need her "approval" to relapse (not that I'm relapsing), but I'm just relieved that my logic (or lack there of) isn't so out in left field that I've lost all reason. 


Then she asked if I thought I'd still be alive if I hadn't gone into IP treatment. 
I said, "No".
"Then isn't that worth it?"
"I guess so, but now it isn't.  If I gave in, it would be one less battle I'd be fighting right now.  I'd have a reason for feeling like shit, and it would be in my control so it wouldn't be so mentally painful as it is now.  I need a reason to feel this sick.  I need to at least get something out of it.  At least have some sort of control over it." 
"But you have a reason you feel so sick"
"Sure, I have some mystery sleep disorder no one has ever seen before and can't fix, and a rising ANA titer no one can figure out.  And no treatment can fix a brain, so I'm pretty much sick forever, aren't I?  I might as well at least feel comfortable in my body if I'm going to feel like this."


Then she asked why I continue to eat well when it's my choice and I don't like what I'm doing now.
I said, "because no one will get it.  people will worry and get hurt.  Nathan won't like it. I can't hurt Nathan. My mom will freak out.  Jayme, my family, no one would leave me alone about it.  it's NOT my choice."
She tried to convince me it was still my choice but it's hard to agree with her on that one.

But she said, from my point of view, she understands why I would think this way.  Which was nice to finally hear.  No one else gets it.  

So, that was last Thursday.  Like I said, I haven't been restricting.  I'm staying within my range... but I'm being a lot more strict. 
I think stress is getting to me.
I'm done with college in 20 days and I'm getting married in 60 days (!!!).  It's happy stress, but stress nonetheless.  I feel very pressured. 



Here are the verses that are helping me not freak out about my appt with the sleep specialist on Thursday or the MRI of my brain this Saturday, or the follow up appt with my neurologist after that.

"Do not give into sadness, torment not yourself with brooding; Gladness of heart is the very life of man, cheerfulness prolongs his days.  Distract yourself, renew your courage, drive resentment far away from you;  For worry has brought death to many, not is there aught to be gained from resentment.  Envy and anger shorten one's life, worry brings on premature old age..."  Sirach 30: 21-25

and

"Terrified by what his mind's eye sees, like a fugitive being pursued; As he reaches safety, he wakes up astonished that there was nothing to fear."  Sirach 40:7-8

and, for when I'm scared to hope- in fear that I'll be more hurt if I'm optomistic than completely hopeless, I've been praying this:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you many abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13





I've been going back and forth a lot between thinking I'll be sick forever to believing in God's power to heal- and trying to trust that He'll help me through life.. Because if nathan and I are meant to have children- He has to provide some way for it to happen, because right now, I don't think I'd be able to physically manage it.

And I guess that's another reason why I don't find an ED so bad anymore-  For awhile I was scared I'd ruin my ability to become pregnant and be a mommy.  But now, it seems like I can't do that because I literally cannot function off the narcolepsy medication.  And I can't control that. 
At least I'd have a reason people could understand if I was simply infertile.  But if I am fertile, then I feel selfish for not "sucking it up", going off the meds, and raising kids while having zero energy.  I can't control that.  I can (and have) control(led) the loss of periods for years and years.  And at least that makes sense. 

I know this is all very illogical.  I know that I'd be even sicker if I wasn't eating.  I'd have less "good" days (read: less "function somewhat normally" days).  I'd still have osteopenia- or even have progressed to osteoporosis... and lose all hope of running.

I feel like I'm going crazy.
I have a headache.  It feels like there is pressure within my skull. 
I'm so tired today.  4 cups of coffee on top of my new medication... no help.

When I don't feel well, it's hard to feel hopeful.  Or to see why I should keep trying.