Changes

 

Therapy yesterday went okay.  I didn't have to be too assertive about the topic... I explained to her how I took myself off of my bipolar med... as an experiment... and that i'm doing okay, considering.

Then I mentioned the fear associated with weight loss and how I sabatoge myself, and how I wonder if that's at all related to being off my meds for so long (since early December).

We talked about what losing weight in the past was like- the secrecy and the excitement.  All of that.

And then talked about how it is different than losing weight now.  How I still feel like i have to keep it a secret, and how I still feel like I'm doing something "bad", and yet I'm still excited.

She also pointed out that winter and fatigue triggers our bodies to want carbs. 

And since the windchill was below 0 yesterday and the wind almost knocked me over, and I'm always fatigued and have a difficult time sleeping as it is, it isn't all that surprising that I crave stuff at night.  

She told me to try being more gentle on myself. 

I wonder if I rearrange my MP so that I allow more calories to go to my after dinner snack... I wonder if that will help at all.  That way, when I'm actually craving something, I'll have more room to "give in" without having to hate myself afterwards.  

She mentioned a pendulum.  And that I need to stay focused on the middle.  She said, a small binge can lead to wanting to restrict a little the next day, which will make you hungry and lead to a bigger binge, which will lead to more restricting, which will lead to more binging.

I told her I knew that and was being careful about it.  I said "that's where I was at before I went to the hospital" (which was before I started seeing her).  And I told her I"ve been good about making sure not to restrict the next day if I was unhappy with how i ate the day before.

I've made a lot of progress in that respect. 

I decided ... there is no reason for the ED to keep holding me back and making me scared.

Yes, I have those memories and these feelings are definitely attached to them... but I don't have to let that ruin my life anymore.

So last night when I got home, I knew I was a little bit under my calories, so I allowed myself to have a snack, and I didn't binge.  I didn't go crazy.  I was calm, and I ate it.  Part of my wanted more, but I gently told myself I didn't need more, and that I was actually tired enough to go to bed, so I did. 

Amazing.

And this morning, I had a healthy breakfast, cleaned a bit, and then got in a decent workout, then had a good lunch.

And if my body loses weight, that's okay.  I don't need to announce it to the world, but I don't need to hide it.  Because I'm still eating.  And I'm not going crazy with workouts.  And nothing I"m doing is drastic.

There shouldn't be any shame or any fear.

It feels foreign, yes.  But that's okay.  So did eating again, in the beginning.

But I got used to that, didn't I?

I can get used to this.  Used to my body changing.  Going back to my old set point that I miss being at.

(the healthy number my dietician said I can be at).

And you know what?  If I'm unable to get down to that number because I have more muscle mass than I used to, then fine... I won't be that low.  I'm not even fixated on a number anymore.  More of a range.  And more of how my clothes fit.    And more than that- I'm focused on strength. And I can't be strong if I don't fuel my body.

And I don't have to be afraid of my body getting smaller. Because I am healthy, and there is nothing to be afraid of. 

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Edit:::  Added 8:01pm

i keep needing to remind myself that i can't lose weight overnight.  i want to lose weigh over night.  but no.  i can't do that.  i used to do that.  but i can't do that anymore.  i need to go eat my snack.  i need to so i can reach my calories today.

but then i think... i'll lose weight faster if i don't.  i can just skip it.  or i could workout some more.  

no no no!!!!!!!!!  i can't work out some more.  i already did some this morning.

and i need my snack!

weight loss shouldn't be overnight.  no no no

i don't do that anymore.

i don't.

ah shit.  why does my mind change so rapidly?  i was fine a few hours ago.  and now i'm freaking out.

ok ... i'm going to eat a snack and call my sister and see if i can go over there for awhile.

maybe i just shouldn't be alone.

my friend was here but she had to leave early to help her parents with something.

ok

i feel bad calling my sister and asking to go over. 

but she already offered.  so i shouldn't feel bad.

right?

i don't know what to have for a snack.  I"m entirely too overwhelmed right now.