underlying fear

I think part of my problem is that I'm scared to actually lose weight, and so when I actually start making progress, I unconsciously sabotage myself.

Why would I be afraid of losing weight?  Because I've never done it in a healthy way before. 
It's always been secretive.  It's always been hidden.  It's always been unhealthy.
So now that I"m "allowed" to lose weight (according to my dietician), and I'm trying to, in a healthy way--- it's freaking me out a little bit.
It's like I feel ... gulity (?) for actually losing weight.  I won't tell anyone.  I'm afraid to admit it.  I feel like I'll get in trouble or something if I do. 
Plus, losing weight is exciting to me, and there's a tiny part of me that is afraid if I start, I wont' be able to stop. 
So whenever I'm doing really well w. my MP and exercise, and I actually start to make progress, I end up messing up my MP or something and I continue to maintain where I'm at.

But I am allowed to lose weight.
I have a weight that my dietician says I cannot go under.  I have agreed to that, and I honestly think I'll be okay there.  But it's a little ways off, so I"m not even there yet.  I can't get in trouble for losing weight at this point.  As long as it's not lost quickly, I"m fine.

But I'm scared to actually let it happen.

This is a big discovery, I think.  Because I have been beyond frustrated for the last year, trying to lose weight and not being able to.  I think I"m holding myself back a lot-- even though i know part of it has been the injuries and the heart stuff.  And I honestly feel okay enough in my recovery to not fall back into ED.  (i know it sounded like i was a few posts ago, but that was more venting than anything). 



I don't need to be afraid to make progress with this. 
I need to relax and let go.  Maybe I should start practicing yoga again...

PS: I'm trying the spinning class tonight!