Stubborn

I am truely blessed with everything in my life right now.  I know this, and I'm so thankful for it.

And I realized:

I DON'T NEED AN ED ANYMORE!!!!!!!

So why am I still holding on to it?

My body image is still awful.

I'm disgusted by myself.

I want to lose weight... but then I sabotage myself.

I overdo the exercise, even though my health sucks. 

I guess my health stuff is the one thing really holding me back.

I can't control it. and that drives me absolutely crazy.

 It really makes me separate myself from my body.

I told Nathan last week that I hate "it" so much and "it" keeps holding me back.  And that I have a hard time not punishing my body for destroying me.

He said, "Andi, you and your body aren't two different people. You don't punish one without punishing the other."

but but but but but....

Maybe logically I know that... but realistically... I can't see that.

Since I was 14 and my body turned against me, it's been me against it.

The cutting, bruising, starving, over-exercising... it was all a punishment.

It was all revenge. 

And so even though every other part my life has turned around, I'm still physically sick.

And even though I've been fighting like hell since I was 14 to get better, I'm not really getting anywhere.

I"m better than I used to be, yes.

But I'm not where I need to be yet.

I hate being held back in life just because I'm too sick.

I'm too stubborn for that. 

But is that getting me anywhere?