"It's been this way for as long as I remember "

After Nathan's class last night we went back to his house.  I half-way studied molecular pathology while he studied.  Actually, I laid on the couch and went back and forth between sleeping and awake.  But my binder was open to yesteday's lecture.  So that counts, right?

We cuddled for a little while before I left.  I felt safe.
When I got home I decided to take a xanax.  Not because I necessarily felt panicky- I just wanted to know how it made me feel for future reference.  My dr had recommended that for the ativan, too.  But ativan doesn't do much for me.
Jayme was right- it does work subtly.  But it does work.  There is no 'BAM- I feel drugged up all of a sudden' feeling with it.  Just gradually i felt really really relaxed.  I was talking to Nathan online and I told him that I felt physically unable to even have a panic attack.  I felt unable to be tense.  It was the first time in 6 days I had felt that way.  It made me REALLY tired.  But I think it did only because I was already pretty tired.  Funny how panic does that to you.  So I don't know if it will always make me that tired, I think it just let me relax enough to actually sleep.  Which was absolutely wonderful.  I've been very much sleep deprived lately.

I feel better just knowing that I have something to help me avoid future attacks.

I went to work today and my boss measured my feet for orthotics.  Him and phil were talking about how it's supposed to get into the 60s tomorrow and Thursday and I said, "oh! perfect running weather!"  Don (boss) just looked at me sternly and said "Andi... ".  I laughed.  Everyone at work knows I jump into the running way faster than I should.  I've gotten lectured countless times on starting out slowly with intervals and increasing the time/distance very slowly.  I always nod and say, "yes, i know", and then ignore their advice.  Well- I do intervals when I run, they're just longer intervals than they suggest and more of them...
So again, as I was putting my shoes back on, Don said "Okay, now when you get the orthotics next week, I don't want you to jump right into the running."  I grinned.  he continued, "remember to start off slowly and adjust to running with orthotics and do the interval running."  I said, "i know, i know".  in the back of my mind i was thinking "yeah, right".  I'll be good for about week and then I'm sure i'll run a lot more than I "should".  but really- I've had 5 physical therapists and my sports doctor all lecture me multiple times on the best way to ease into running again.  Do I not think that they have the experience and knowledge to know what they're talking about?  I just don't want to believe them.  What they tell me makes sense.  But when I start running and am feelign really good, I hate stopping to walk.  Walking is boring.  Walking is not running.  Walking breaks the rhythm.  Walking gets me out of the 'zone'... or prevents me from even getting into the zone.

I'll try to be good.  But I'm not making any promises yet.
Running lets me run away from all of my problems.  I leave them behind me and I run away.



(Title: lyrics to "uphill battle" by Saosin)