"Still pulses race and scream"

so this morning i was sitting in molecular diagnostics, trying to pay attention to this horrible teacher.  when all of a sudden, i couldn't breathe again, started shaking, the whole deal.  i thought 'shit, not again'.  then i felt trapped in the room, so that wasn't helping.  then i decided i didn't care if i got up and i put my head down and walked as quickly out of the room as possible.  i ran down the hallway and hid in the stairwell again.  i sat there paralyzed for what i found out later to be 45 minutes.  i luckily forced myself to get up just in time to get to the next class right before it started- jayme had grabbed my stuff for me.  so i took it and told her i had to go.  I knew she knew what had happened, plus she (and a few others) saw blood all over my hands from my knuckles.  I was shaking so badly i could barely hold onto the handouts they were trying to give me as i also picked up my backpack, coat and water bottle.  i kept dropping everything.  i managed to bolt out of that room, called Nathan and he said i could come over.  so I found dr R to tell her that yet again, i probably wouldn't TA lab today.  I was shaking like crazy when i was talking to her.  i couldn't even stand still.  i felt like i was crawling out of my skin.  she asked "what's going on?  did they change your medication?" i said no.  she said i should try eating some chocolate.  that broke the tension.  she said it was fine i wasn't there.  she said to go home and rest.  and that she hopes this doesn't continue much longer.

i drove to nathan's and went down to his room and laid in his bed for 3 hours pretty much motionless as he studied in the den.  he'd come in periodically to see how i was.  i just laid there.  i had to pee, but i didn't care.  my stomach was growling, but i didn't care.  i just laid there.  i couldn't do anything.  i felt unable to move.

after 3 hours i went upstairs and ate some of my lunch as nathan had his.  i called my psychiatrist and she called in xanax for me... I guess that's good... ?  i half-studied for awhile as nathan continued to study.  i've decided to skip ethics tonight since it's 3.5 hours and goes until 10pm... i don't feel up to that.  so i came to campus with him since he has stats from 530- 715.  it at least gets me out of his house and in public again.  even though i don't necessarily want to be.  i might go to my ethics class just to talk to the teacher, halfway explain why i can't stay and hopefully get my exam back.  or i might just email her and wait a week.  i still haven't decided- i have an hour before i'd have to walk there.
i don't know what i'm going to do until then.  i guess study.  but i'm too numb.  i'm too tired.
i still haven't even taken the diagnostics midterm.  i feel bad that i still haven't taken it.  i had the intentions of taking it today.  i honestly did.  and then this damn panic keeps hitting me.  at least once a day since Tuesday.   6 days of this damn panic attacks.  i can't take it.  i'm going crazy.
on the way back to his house, we're going to stop at the CVS he works at and pick up the xanax, hopefully this will help.

(Title: lyrics to "The End" by Greenwheel)