"The floodgates are breaking and pouring out"

Today was one of the worst days in my life. 

Started out by going to the doctor for my thyroid and ANA (anti nuclear antibody) test results.  Thyroid is still low, even though I increased my thyroid dose.  That's annoying.  But then he told me my ANA titer.  It's doubled since the last time he tested it.  doubled.  and now it's "speckled" which is bad.

ANA should be negative.  It's indicative of lupus and other autoimmune disorders.  When I was 15 I tested positive for it, but the doctor was like "oh, you don't have lupus, dont' worry about it".  I was 15.  What did I know?  So then they tested it again a few years back and I had a titer of 160.  Now, if it's positive, you want it <40.  My neurologist requested that I get the level checked again (since I think narcolepsy is auto-immune), and now it's up to 320.  And now it's speckled.  My GP today said that if it's speckled it means that it's turning into something.  And my increasing titer and speckled positive indicates some sort of connective tissue disease.  He said "obviously, at the most extreme end is lupus.  I don't think you're there at this point, but I don't know where you are and where your headed."   So he drew more blood and ordered a rheumatoid panel, and referred me to see a rheumatologist.  He also mentioned an aggressive preventative treatment by using "disease modifying drugs".  He mentioned methotrexate.  I'm not stupid.  I know what that is.  I said "you have to be kidding me".  He said "well, it's a chemotherapy drug so I obviously don't want to start it now, especially without pinpointing what is going on first."  Gee, thanks.  I'm glad we at least agree on that one.

so then I was on my way home, and i was trying to merge onto the freeway, only people seemingly are unable to merge and to avoid hitting 2 cars, I had to serve, lost control and spun out, went across the median, ended up in the oncoming traffic with a semi truck headed right at me, i somehow managed to get my car back into the median before it hit me.  i proceeded to call my mom and have a panic attack.  got my car started (it took it awhile to restart). managed to drive across the median again without getting stuck (it's really muddy now that the snow has melted), and get home.  by the time i got home i had finally stopped crying.  i pulled in my driveway and my dad was working outside he said "good morning!"  i said " it is NOT  good morning" and burst into tears again.  My poor dad! lol.  

i cried and shook for a few hours after that.  then Jayme came over to study for our molecular diagnostics midterm that's tomorrow morning.  it was hard to focus, but at least it was a distraction.  but as soon as she left i started crying again and havent' really stopped since then.

today was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  I swear it was my guardian angel that saved me.  I honestly don't know what happened.  I don't know how i avoided those two cars  and i don't know how i got out of the semi's way in time.  I just don't even know. My car is fine- aside from having really muddy tires now.  the alignment might be out- it was kind of shaky driving home (but i was shaky, too). it could have been just the mud in the tires.  i don't know.

But then that stupid medical shit.  I can't handle this.  I keep thinking "maybe this will be the answer i've been searching for for 9 years"  but do you know how many times i've thought that?  and it still isn't true.  and i really hope one of the blood tests comes up positive.  because i want an answer to this whole mystery.  but then-- i dont want to the answer that a rheumatologist is going to give me.  But i don't want a negative test result, either, because that's just another door that gets slammed in my face.
I don't know which is worse.  but seriously, at this point, i can't handle it either way.

and i don't want to take the molecular diagnostics midterm tomorrow.
i've given up studying any more today.  i guess i'll get up early and hopefully will feel a little more hopeful.  i doubt it.  but maybe.


(Title: Lyrics to "Again" by Flyleaf (not Saosin... shocker!))