"as it all comes crashing down"

The last two days have been so draining.  Not to mention this whole week, this whole month.  I'm so exhausted.

Yesterday I found out my ANA titer has doubled again and is now 640.  And yet, the stupid rheumatologist was like "oh, that's not a big deal".  Like hell it is.  But all of the other tests were negative.  And my clinical symptoms aren't severe enough to categorize me into any diagnosis.  which is fine- it's not like I wanted to have lupus or anything- but honestly i just want an answer.  But then she asked how much motrin or other NSAID I was taking per day and i said up to 9 motrin- since that's the max amount i could have when i fractured my bones.  She said with my pain i could take up to 12 a day as needed.
Okay, so... my symptoms aren't bad enough for you but I can take more motrin than i could take when i had a broken bone?  Um... okay.
So I left completely defeated.  I went to TA lab and i sat there doing absolutely nothing.  I left to go talk to Jayme and Nathan when they called me back.  otherwise, i sat there in a daze, trying not to cry.  I did direct a couple of students to which red bucket had bleach water for their slides.  Um, that's about it.


So then this morning, I went into my neurology appointment, ready for it to be the last time I was going to see Dr V.  I knew he was about to give up on me since last time he said he was out of ideas.  But... when I told him about my ANA levels and how they've increased even within the last two weeks his mind went into full gear again.  He knows my sleep disorder is definitely something wrong with how my sleep cycles in the night.  Something within my brain is disrupting the sleep cycle and keeping me in stage 2 for pretty much the whole night.  He asked if I've ever had an MRI of my head- I said no.  So he wants me to get one to look for pockets of inflammation within my brain.
He also doesn't think that I'm lucky enough to have all of these rare illnesses all separately ("that's like one person getting struck by lightning 4 times).  He agrees that this has to be one thing going on and he thinks that the ANA level is what's going to bring it all together.  ANA can be an indication of inflammation- and obviously even though I'm having muscle and joint pain, it's not manifesting itself much in my joints because, while they hurt and are stiff, they aren't inflamed.  So... he's wondering if the inflammation is actually within my brain.  He said, "this could be causing the sleep problems, pain, and SVT (my heart issue), and possibly even the bipolar disorder". 
He said a lot of times when this happens, the patients are obviously sick but never quite enough for a diagnosis.  He said it's what they call a "lupus-like syndrome".  It's autoimmune but doesn't manifest like what would typically be seen.

I had originally asked him for ideas of where to go next.  He said there's a guy in a hospital in detroit that has a lot of experience with sleep disorders i could go to, but that it take a while to get into him.  But he said there's a doctor within the neurological clinic Dr V works in that trained under that doctor and would be good to get a second opinion with.
So I see her on the 8th and get the MRI on the 10th.  I need to schedule a follow up with Dr V but the lady at the front desk didn't seem that was necessary... even though the MRI is after I'm seeing anyone and I need to know those results... plus, Dr V books up really quickly... so I think I'm going to call the office tomorrow and try to get something in as soon as possible.

I'm scared to hope.  But maybe this is it.  But again, how many times have I said this?
I sat in my car after the appointment and just cried.  But at least today I wasn't crying because I felt defeated... I was crying because I was overwhelmed and that appointment was nothing like I had expected or prepared for.

The stupid rheumatologist on Wednesday was horrible.  I refuse to go back to her.
Dr V has another rheumatologist he's going to recommend if in fact there is inflammation in my brain.
I said, "Please no more Beaumont doctors.  Beaumont doctors suck".  He laughed and promised me the other doctor was through St Johns.  I said, "Good.  I hate Beaumont.  Their doctors are all idiots".  He got a good chuckle out of that (he's a St Johns doctor).

so... basically now I"m stressing out because I haven't studied at all or started my papers or my presentations.
I have a killer exam on Monday that I haven't even looked at yet.  And I missed two of the lectures because of panic attacks and I was hoping to see the professor today when I stopped by on campus to explain this to her but she wasn't there.  I started an email to her but it sounded stupid so i didn't send it.  I'm not trying to get out of the exam on monday- i just need to know that if by chance i'm not able to do anything this weekend I have that option.

I'm so overwhelmed.

Which I feel is silly... it's not like I got "bad" news today.  I don't have lupus or RA.  I should just be happy and relieved.
But now I'm just more on edge wondering what my brain will show.
And again scared for a negative result.

If there is no inflammation in my brain- I'm giving up.  I'm throwing in the towel and stopping the search for an answer.
I can't take it anymore.


(Title: "Paper Tigers" by Thrice)