"Shout for shout's sake"

I don't know how it's Saturday night already. 

I haven't been very productive lately.  I have no ambition.  Actually, I do.  I just don't feel I have it in me to follow through with anything.

Yesterday was in the mid-60s and sunny.  I wore shorts and a tanktop and went for a run.  A short run, but still.  I ran outside!  Today was 30 degrees with snow flurries... so that sucked.  But at least yesterday was nice.

 Jayme's grandma has leukemia (CMML) and has been getting sicker and sicker.  On Thursday night Jayme called me to tell me that she entered into hospice care.  Her grandma had wanted to do hospice at home but the doctor said she had so little time left it wouldn't have been worth it.  She called me this morning to tell me she was on her way to the hospital again because they got the call saying it was only a matter of hours.  I've been praying for her, for her grandma, for her whole family.  I know that's the best thing I could do for them, but it never seems like enough.  Jayme said not to expect a call from her tonight, but maybe by tomorrow. 
My heart is breaking over a woman I've never met... my best friend's grandma. 
At least now it will be over and Jayme and her family can grieve and move on.  They've been in limbo for so long that it has really taken a toll on everyone.


Mom wants to play Myst tonight (exploring mystery puzzle computer game).  She's been bugging me about it for awhile.  We started it awhile ago and I haven't been home or had the time to sit down and get further into it.

I don't want to play it tonight.  I just want to stay in my room and be alone.  The thought of leaving my room sent me in a tizzy and I took half a xanax just to be safe. 
This can't be normal.

 I hurt all over today.  legs, back, feet, head, muscles, bones, nerves.

and my mind. 

i just want to hide away and make today go away.
but i won't be living here much longer, so i feel guilty not playing the game with mom.
i just don't feel up to it and don't know how to tell her that with her getting all worked up that something is wrong with me right now.

I feel like crying.  and cutting.  but mostly just crying.
i dont know why.  i just do.



(Title: lyrics to "Lost symphonies" by Saosin)