Two days of no panic attacks....
I took half a xanax yesterday before mom and I went to nathan's sister's house (dress fitting and hair trials for the wedding). Half of one worked well. I wasn't really tired but I didn't get panicky. So why did I take a full one today during lab? I got SO tired. I zoned out in pathology, then crashed on the couch in the computer lab afterwards. I called Nathan to say hi and he said I was slurring my speech. well then i thought that was hilarious and got all giggly and kept laughing. i hung up with him and then my friends rachael and tony were in the lab, too, and they kept on me about being a druggy, and i was able to completely turn that around on tony (long story), and the 3 of us kept cracking each other up, but i seriously was so giggly! I had to go to lab so i got away from rachael and tony for an hour until they came in at 4 because they're in the second lab. That was interesting.
I talked with Dr R during lab and she had a lot of good points about tests my doctor SHOULD have ordered and didn't. It made a lot of sense. I and I've been going through my old medical records like crazy lately looking for clues- now that i understand what i'm actually reading. I'm losing so much faith in doctors and the way medical schools are teaching. It's awful.
anyway, i found out a lot by going through these old records that i feel like the doctors really downplayed and shouldn't.
I told dr R how my ANA titer used to be 640 when I was 14, and only just now realized because i read it in a report between two doctors. It was briefly mentioned and it was it. It was something along the lines of "her symptoms don't match and she's too young". So I mentioned this to Dr R, how my ANA was 640 but how they said was too young to be sick and she got really upset. She said "ANYONE with an ANA titer of 640 has SOMETHING going on. It doesn't matter what the age- they should have followed up on that."
I had brought this up because I was curious why it would go from 640 to 160 to 320 in the course of 9 years. She wasn't sure but we got disrupted by students asking questions--- which is fine since that's the point of helping in a lab--- not to sit around and talk about my own medical history with my professor. I think tomorrow I"m going to talk to her about it again and ask her what I should ask the rheumatologist next week so i know what's going on. She explained a lot about my thyroid to me, too, today. how my doctor was an idiot for not ordering a total T4 level and only the free T4 (i'm not going to get into the physiology of this, don't worry).
So yeah, I came home tonight and mom asked how my day was and i started explaining all of this stuff to her. I asked "did you realize my ANA titer used to be 640???" and explained to her all of this stuff i found and researched and talked to Dr R about. My mom turned it around and was like, "i'm sorry I didn't push more about that or know more or do more, or yaddy yaddy yaddy". I wanted to tell her to SHUT UP!
I told her I wasn't blaming her for anything and that it wasn't her fault the doctors never came out and told us anything. Then i bitched about doctors being complete idiots because med school should be way longer than 4 years because there is way too much to learn and you can't do that in 4 years. but she still was all mopey and feeling sorry for herself because she didn't do more or catch any of that was going on 9 years ago.
But seriously- the doctors sucked, she was stressed because her youngest daughter was sick and no one would believe us, and the doctors didn't come out and give us this report-- i had to read a letter from a doctor to another doctor to catch the first ANA level. so it's not like my mom wouldn't have actually known because i don't remember them mentioning it, either.
oh, she also asked if i took xanax today and i said yes and she seemed upset by that. but why???? it avoided a panic attack, so why is she all upset. UGH!!!!
anyway. it's annoying.
i have more to talk about but it has to wait for tomorrow because the 2nd xanax is definitely kicking in...
(title: lyrics to "again" by flyleaf)
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4 comments:
Glad you had a fun afternoon of giggling! :)
It's so good that you're starting to be able to take ownership over your own medical history and start asserting what tests you need. So good to be able to own your medical hsitory, know our records, and be proactive. Seriously. You rock.
oh, and, yes, I am on FB. give me your junk e-mail and I'll e-mail you.
Also, I do go back and look at your comments, but I guess I didn't go back far enough... so I didn't see your comment about FB.
it's great that you can look into your medicatal history and understand it. It must feel very empowering to be able to look back at it all and understand now what was going on then, even if it is frustrating for you that things didn't happen the way they should have. I used to take xanax too but got addicted so had to stop. It is the most amazingly quick working anti-anxiety med I've ever had. Maybe you could try the 1/2 again and see how you go and only add the second half it the first half doesn't work. What do you think?
Sarah
Ok, my email is andisnax@hotmail.com
I am really glad that I'm getting such an extensive medical education and have professors I can turn to with questions about results. They've all worked in the lab and so they know how all of these tests are run and why and what they mean, and of course they're more than willing to teach it to me. I love it.
And Sairs- glad to see your comment! i haven't seen your blog before.
I will only be taking 1/2 of it next time. I don't know what I thinking yesterday morning... but now I definitely know that .5mg is waaaay too much for me. :)
and i'm afraid of getting addicted so i won't be taking it too much. i took another .5 last night so that i could sleep, but i don't plan on doing that very often.
I can understand your frustration with your doctors. It sounds like they overlooked some very important things. It is so hard to explain to our parents that they aren't to blame for things that go wrong. I hope your mom eventually understands it is the doctors incompetence, not her lack of medical knowledge, that is the problem.
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