dilemma

I don't know what to do right now.

I'm utterly exhausted.  But I wanted to workout before I went to work since I have the house to myself for the afternoon.  But I'm really tired and my calves are really achey from running two days ago without my new orthotics, and logically, I know I shouldn't workout today.  But then... what if I can't workout tomorrow?  Or Wednesday?  Then I'm skipping even more days.  And I can't skip more days. 

Why can't I?

I don't know.  Because then it wouldn't be enough.  Because then I would feel obligated to overdo it on the other days to "make up" for today.  So I want to workout today "just in case" i can't workout Monday and/or Wednesday.  Because I'm going to regret taking today off later. Because I hate my body.  Because I'm not used to treating it well and resting when it needs it.  Because my anxiety is really high and I need some sort of release, and what other release, besides cutting, is there? 

I'm sitting here in my workout clothes debating what to do.
This is pathetic. 
But right now, I feel too tired to even go to work.  Letalone workout before going to work.

I don't want to be alone today.
But Nathan can't come over later like he usually does on Sundays.
and my parents are babysitting my nieces.  I could go over there, but I don't feel up to that, either.

I feel like I'm nothing.
I feel nonexistant.
I feel incapable of doing anything.
But really, I don't feel much at all.