"Fading, all these lights just turn to grey"

I have to be honest- mentally I am not doing okay.

I was laying in bed last night and I was trying to figure out how I was feeling, and all I kept imagining was a really strong wind. You know the wind that is going so hard that it's difficult to even stand up straight, letalone walk forward?  I feel like I am up against that wind.  And if at any moment I relax, the wind will knock me over and carry me away. 
And then I couldn't figure out which situation I was feeling.  Both, it seems.  I feel like I'm standing still with the world rushing past me.  And all my efforts to move forward or get anywhere are in vain. 
Othertimes I feel like I'm just going with the flow, mindlessly getting through my days.

My days are so unproductive.  I'm barely studying.  I'm barely making it into work.  I'm barely getting anything done around the house. I haven't wanted to be around people.  I've been unable to exercise more days than not (yesterday and today were two more rest days, and tomorrow will be one, too, because of classes and my doctor appointment...).
I'm not sleeping well.  I'm completely exhausted.  Whatever illness I have is flairing up and I can tell my body is crashing.  I just don't feel well. 

My eating is unbalanced.  I've stopped tracking it because I can't put forth the effort.  I've been eating weird combinations, and weird things to make up a "meal".  I'm probably eating over my range, but I don't have it in me to check.  I just dont' even care.  I do care, though.  That's the problem.  I do care, so it's driving me crazy that I don't have the energy to do anything about it.  But I can tell I stopped losing weight- not surprisingly- but I'm not okay with that.  I don't to be stuck where I'm at.  And I know my body can't handle not eating.  Or even eating less.  My body is already so... weak... from battling my illnesses that it doesn't have the strength to handle being punished by me.  So that can't even be an option.  Which I guess is a good thing, but it still sucks.

I feel stuck.  and unbalanced.

I don't know what is fueling this.  I had been doing so well.  Is this the aftermath of my week full of multiple panic attacks?  Did it mess with the bipolar?  Did the xanax change something?  I haven't been taking it much- it's been a few days.  but I don't know. 
Is it my doctor appt tomorrow and my fear of getting the results back? 
Is it my lack of interest in this semester and subsequent excitement to graduate in 5 weeks and be done with my stupid university?
Is it the stress of the wedding?  Even though I'm not necessarily stressed about the wedding itself... more just the fact I have to be an adult and do adult things.  That scares me. I know it does.

So I don't know.  I'm just numb.
And I can't lean on Jayme right now, and Nathan is busy with his course load and work schedule.
Maybe I should have more than two friends?  Eh, I have other friends, just no one else I'm close with.

Nathan is going to the VA hospital tomorrow to get his heart checked out.  He has a heart condition- that's why he got out of the Navy.  And he hasn't been checked out since he left.  So tomorrow we both get important news.  Eventually he may require heart surgery which scares me so much... I can't even think about it.

I feel like I'm all over the place.  But at the same time, I'm not moving anywhere.  I'm standing in the wind, struggling just to keep upright, and the world is rushing past me, without me. 
And I feel completely powerless.




(Title: Lyrics to"Changing" by Saosin)