Old times

I'm cleaning my room and I found an old notebook I used as a journal.  This was a few months before I broke up with my first boyfriend, and a few months from my huge anorexia relapse.
Reading it was weird.  (and the formatting is as close as I could get to how I actually wrote it in my journal.  i tend to write all over the page like that.)

July 29, 2006

I know, I know

            I hate myself

Same story.  Different day.

Perfect opportunity to not eat and workout.

            And what did I do?

                        The complete opposite.

Why?  Why am I so stupid?

                        Seriously

                        I know, I know

                                    I’ve heard it all before.

                        Same story,

                                                Different day

                                    Over and over you promise to change.

                        Over and over you never do.

                                    Good intentions, sure.

                                                But it’s not getting us anywhere.

                        I hear you.

                                    Over and over

                                                Same story, promise, oath

                                    Broken record.  Broken promise

                                                Broken self

                        A change will come.  It can

            You have to make it happen.

The next different day; make it a different story.

                        Change your life one day at a time

You watch her, she doesn’t know

You read her like no one else can

You love her, but she’s not sure

            You watch her break down

                        You know she’s strong, but she seems so fragile

            Inside you break

                        You break for her

            Reach out to save her.

                        In anyway you can.

            But she pushes you away.

From a distance, you watch her

            You feel her

            You know her

            Inside, you break for her.

Can you bear to leave?  Knowing nothing changes either way?

            You love her all the same.

                        But she doesn’t anymore.

Can you bear to see the one you love the most not even be able to love herself?

            The one you love the most is the one she hates the most.

                                    Can you take that?

            Can you take her doubt?

                        Can you bear her pain?

                                    Can you?

                                                Can you bear what she’s going to put you through?

            Turn around and leave

                                    It’s not too late

                        You can free yourself from her.

                                                Turn.  Turn Away.

                                    Run

                        Can you bear it?

Can you bear leaving?

Can you bear staying?

                                    Her and you.

            Once made so much sense.

                        Perfect, seamless.

            But she breaks down.

                                    Can you bear that?

She doubts.

                        Can you bear that?  Can you?

            Stay and she’ll destroy you.

Until there is nothing left.

                        Chew and spit you out.

            She’s no longer in it for the longrun.

Stay.

                        But she won’t.

            Can you bear it?

Do you have what it takes?  To show them who you are?

            They see a pretty face.  A happy smile.

Do you have what it takes to show them?

                        The pain and torment that lives behind those eyes.

To you, life is no fairy tale.

            There are no happy endings and prince Charmings

                        Maybe an evil witch or two. 

            A fire or an arrow strike.

The story stopped before the happy ending.

            And here you are in

                        endless misery

            Stuck.

                        Trapped in your castle.

            No one will save you.

                        No one knows you need saving.

What will you do.

                        When you’ve given it all you’ve got

            And it’s still not enough?

                        What then?

                                    When the road before you crumbles,

                                                and the bridge behind you burns?

            What then?

                        No one can save you.

Truth is, you’re not worth saving.

running

I love running.  I ran Monday and today.  Outside.  In the warm sunshine.  Not very far, not very fast.  Walking mixed in there.  But it was running. 

I can't wait until I build up my old endurance.

I told Nathan that if we got p90x, I wouldn't need or want a gym membership.  Between that and running I'd be satisified with workouts.  And it would ultimately save money.  He was all for it.  I'm excited.

I love not having school!

I RAN TODAY!!!!!

pipettes!

This is me working in the lab (I believe day 2).

I love pipetting... so I had stephanie take my picture.  

Because pipetting is awesome.  

And so is the lab.

--------------------------

I was supposed to be going over to my future SIL's house on Tuesday.

But I just read her FB status and it said she was counting down for the concert on Tuesday.

The concert which is on the other side of Michigan.

So... she basically forgot she said I could come over.

That probably hurts more than it should.

I called Nathan to make sure she was talking about this Tuesday.

She was.

I said, "way to be, Bethany, way to be"

He said "aw, she didn't mean to.  she just overbooks herself"

Well.. yeah.  Apparently.

summa cum laude!

Graduation was today:::



I recieved: Bacholor of Science in Medical Laboratory Science: specialization in Clinical Lab Science.  Minor in Psychology.  University and departmental honors, and Summa Cum Laude!

lab and grades

Lab clean up is ALMOST done.  Today was another solid 7 hour day.  It's been four  7-9 hour days in a row, and we're ALMOST done.  I'm going to go back in on Tuesday for a few more hours to help Kristin out with the molecular diagnositics equipment.  But that's really the only thing we didn't get to.

I hope I get department honors, on top of honors.

Grades are posted--- and my final college GPA is 3.9. 
Sadly, that's lower than I wanted it.
But I'm still proud of it.


I'm really tired.

I planned on going to my "real" job tonight after being in the lab all day. But I am so wiped out that I don't really feel up to it.  It was a big, big project fixing up the lab. 

What I love, though, is that 3 hours at the physical therapy office feels like 8 hours.  But, 8 hours in a laboratory feels like 3. 
 It's pretty obvious where I belong. 

microscope!

So... I may or may not have an expensive real-life microscope sitting on my living room table.   Along with a big box full of blood slides to look at, organize and come up with case studies for.

The perks of being a lab assistant at the university i no longer attend.

I've spent the last two days working in our lab, cleaning, organizing, throwing away stuff.  The lab is all over the place.  Kristin, our new professor, since Dr R went to our new med school, hates how the lab is set up, and i completely agree.
and our old hematology lab teacher made a complete mess of all of the blood smears.  There are boxes of slides, some with labels, some without.  Some labels are just numbers or letters, or a date, or initials.  nothing that makes sense.  i have 5 boxes i organized of 100s, 200s, 300s, 400s, and 500s.  They must all at one point had a binder with the corresponding case studies.  But where is it?  We don't have it.  So we have a whole bunch of slides with no way of knowing (unless we go through each one and try to figure it out).  There are a few other sets of numbered slides that we do know.  So I found all of those and have them organized in their own boxes.  And then there were just random slides that have no indication.  One slide is labled "Sad Case"  Wow... really informative.  One is "leukemia"  okay... which kind?  One is "RBC morphology"  Um,, okay?  all RBCs have a morphology. Not helpful.

So I asked her today, figuring the answer would be "NO", if I could take my microscope home (my trusty # 12), and work on sorting them out, figure out which ones go together, and maybe figure out what the slide is and make a case study for it.  And she said YES!   I love her!

Kristin thought this would be a two day project.  It's turning into at least 3 (I won't be surprised if I end up coming in for a bit on Friday, too).  Luckily my friend Stephanie has been helping me.  We've been working two solid days and we're barely making a dent.  It isn't helping that Kristin is 8 months pregnant and can't help out much... which is fine.  But the more man-power, the better.

Which is why I wanted to take the RBC slides home with me so I didn't have to waste time while i was there.

So I snuck my trusty # 12 in a box out to my car so no one would think i was stealing a microscope, and then hid it in my car and was all geeked out and super excited all day. 

I got some of it done tonight.  All of the random slides are really hard for me to decipher.  I can't figure out what they're supposed to be-- which is really frustrating since this is my future job.  To my credit, these aren't the best slides and a lot of them are older than I am.  But still.  There's a slide labeled "Monocytes eating platelets" (which isn't the most scientific way of saying that), and I spent at least 20 minutes looking at it and didn't find a single platelet getting eaten.  WHY CAN'T I FIND IT?!    I've seen things like that before! 
So I really don't know if I'll be able to make any case studies.  I really thought that I could... but now I'm doubting myself.  I can potentially keep the microscope until Monday- which is when the summer semester starts... so maybe I can do some this weekend.  But graduation is Saturday afternoon, I'm going to Lisa's bonfire that night,  and on Sunday, I'll have Mass and then my parents are taking me and Nathan out to dinner to celebrate graduation.  So the weekend will be chopped up and busy. 

Anyway.  I'm so excited that I have my microscope in my living room.

Oh, and I got my Golden Key International Honor Society cords today.  They're purple and white- which is random.  But I'm excited to have more cords than other people.  Maybe that's snobby.... ?  But I don't think it's horrible to be proud of my accomplishments.  And for people to be aware of them.  Is it? 

The Dress!

Had my dress fitting yesterday.  I LOVE MY DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And it fits perfectly.  The only alteration she had was the hem and to take it in ever so slightly at the top.  It was looser than it was when it first came in.  But not so loose that it was it was falling off.  The lady at the store came in to see it and she said "oh, you have the perfect body for this dress.

I feel BEAUTIFUL when I'm in it.  I never feel beautiful. 

Yesterday was the first time in... a really long time... that I thought, "wow, I don't need to lose any weight.  I'm okay where I'm at".

My future sister in law was with me and she started crying when I put my veil on (it's Ryann's veil that mom made for her wedding 10 years ago).
When I was leaving the store it hit me that it's almost a month away and that I'm going to marry Nathan!

I called my mom and when she picked up, without even saying "hi" I said "holy cow mom, I'm getting married!"
she said, "uh.. I already know that". 

I'm so excited. 

I think now that school is OVER, I have TIME to be excited and for the reality of it to sink in. 
I mean- I've been excited the whole time, but at certain times it really hits me that this is real.  And now that it's almost May, which means that it is almost June, I'm beyond excited.

done

I'm done with college.  Amazing.

bad timing

So tonight at dinner, right after I put the last little bit of rice that was in the pot on my plate, my dad says "wasn't your dress fitting yesterday?" i said, "no, i thought it was, but it's on tuesday".  "oh... okay"

WHY WHY WHY WHY did he have to mention a dress fitting as I was about to eat a little bit extra rice?  I ran today, I had enough room in my calorie range to eat that little scoop of rice.  It wasn't like I was over-eating and wouldn't fit into my dress.

I know he probably didn't mean for what he said to be connected in any way with the rice.  But.. he said it.  And then I didn't want the rice.  But, I knew if I didn't eat it,  it would look weird, send up red flags, and my mom would get all upset.
So i ate the damn rice.

but now i'm freaking out.  what if my dress doesn't fit on Tuesday?

It fit just fine when i first tried it on, but if i got bigger then it would be too tight.

i've been too scared to weigh in or measure myself for a few weeks... so I don't really even know.
I need to check tomorrow.



I have my wedding shower tomorrow.  I have two exams on Monday.
I'm not prepared for either one of them.
And I'm kind of stressed out, but kind of too numb to care.
I'm not at any risk of failing these two classes.
All I have to do is pass them, at this point.
I'm graduating in 7 days.
All I have to do is pass.

amazing

I went running today outside.  And it felt amazing. 

But now I have to go to my neurology appointment. And I don't want to.

numb

i am very thankful for xanax.

"We don't care what we have done and seen"

I have no more college classes to attend.  No more presentations.  No more papers.  I have 3 exams left.  That's it.


Shouldn't I feel relieved?  But I don't.

I'm just stressed out.

I have another doctor appointment tomorrow for the MRI results.

I can't even think straight.

I have so much to do.  So much to study.

I need to get the wedding invitations addressed and mailed.  When?
I need to work.  When?
I need to do lab stuff.  When?
I need to study study study study study study study. When?
I need to get a new social security card. When?

I need to breathe.  When?

I have a final on Thursday.  The shower is this sunday.  I have two finals on Monday. (they were all supposed to be on Monday... i got one moved, thankfully).

I need to work out, and I've been trying to schedule some exercise time in each day (which hasn't been successful), for my own sanity.  but then I feel guilty working out when I know have so much other stuff to do.  But if i don't workout, then I lose my sanity, and then I can't get anything done anyway.

I have a dress fitting on Friday.

FRIDAY!!  I've barely worked out in two months.  I haven't measured or weighed myself since then because I've been too scared to know.  What if I'm too big?  What if my dress is too small?  It fit last time I put it on.  What if it's too tight on Friday?  a'wsldfkjnmas;dolfgnjasedlkfnmas

oh, and now i'm a bridesmaid for a friend two weeks after my wedding.  her wedding was supposed to be in august, but oops... they got pregnant, so now it's moved up and she needed another bridesmaid because her other one couldn't come up in june.  so now i have to figure out all of that and find a dress (and fit into said dress).

have i mentioned how much i hate my body?
i feel disgusting.
absolutely disgusting.

i can't stand myself.

and i have other stuff to do, that isn't hard, i just feel paralyzed. 
I have to call Mrs W about singing at the wedding.
I have to call and schedule an appt. with the cake lady.
I have to email Fr Ben about the rehersal.

nothing hard.  Just... stuff.  and i keep putting it off.
because i just can't think about anything. 
I'm trying to think about molecular pathology, molecular diagnositcs, and law and ethics in health care.
so that i can pass the finals and graduate in two weeks. 
but even that isn't working because I'm so stressed out.

i'm so stressed out.


(Title: lyrics to Uphill Battle by Saosin)

Can't breathe

What on earth is going on with me now?

I had to take a xanax at work yesterday. But then I couldn't work much longer because I zoned out.

I've been fighting the urge all day to take one.  I finally gave in and took half.  I figured I'd take one right before class tonight so that I don't freak out for the presentation.  But I already took half.... so I guess I'll be taking another half in an hour and a half...

I'm shaking like crazy.  And you know that weird feeling when it feels like you insides are going to drop down and then you get all warm and your heart starts racing?  That keeps happening... but... every other minute.  I keep getting that horrible anxiety-ridden feeling.  All the freaking time.  And that feeling scares me.  Because it reminds me of panic attacks.  And then I get scared because I'm on campus, currently by myself, and, not that I ever want to have a panic attack, but I sure as hell don't want to have another one here when I'm stuck on campus for another 4.5 hours.  Especially since I do have to give a solo presentation.  And if I have a full blown one... then I'm screwed. 

I'm not even that worried about the presentation.  I know the material inside and out-- it's my own case history for pete's sake.  It only has to be 10-15 minutes.  And it's for classmates that I've known for at least 2 years.  Plus, no one will be paying attention, or remember how I do.  So really, it's not even the presentation.

I don't know what it is.  I just can't wait for school to be over because I can't handle everything all at once.  I haven't been able to exercise, which I know isn't helping anything, because I've either been too tired, or too busy.  Or yesterday- when I had time and energy-- my right knee hurt so badly that I couldn't workout. After the presentation, I only have two more lectures to sit through and then three finals (that are, unfortunately, all scheduled on the same day-- which happens to be the day right after the wedding shower... great timing (i would have scheduled the wedding shower for a different day but our professors screwed up the scheduling so I didn't even know when two of my finals were going to be until two days ago...).
That same week I have my first dress fitting, that I'm scared for because I've barely been able to exercise.
I have to train Rachael how to do stuff in the lab, and how to autoclave, etc.  Plus I have to do stuff in the lab and autoclave.  I have to help Dr. LP organize our MLS lab (which will be after finals, and which will be fun because that lab needs so much work- and i like organizing things).  I'm really behind at work.  I need to call Mrs W. about singing at the wedding.  I have to mail out invitations.  I have to get together all of the centerpiece stuff.

The stupid thing is- is that I don't even care about that.  The stuff I just listed... none of that is bad.  It's just... that it's all there and in the way.  I'm so busy and always thinking about or doing SOMETHING that I haven't had time to process ANYTHING. 

I can't breathe.  I JUST CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE. 

Scary

I have a diagnosis now.  Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease.

I'm doing a presentation on it tonight for class.  That'll be interesting.

I'm pretty much indifferent about this.  I'm done with school in 12 days.

Nathan has to have heart surgery.  First he has to get a more invasive type of of echo on it.
But two of his heart valves are a lot more damaged than his doctors first thought.

The thought of him going through surgery scares me.  I know he'll be fine.  I know the surgery will help him.  I know this.
But then I picture him laying him on the table and a doctor hovering over him with a scalpel.  And then to change/ fix two heart valves... wouldn't they have to STOP his heart? 
ds;dklfa'sdklfsadigfjasdkfnds;asef;'ind'akiknoicna

School needs to be over now.  It's just in the way now. 

last college paper

Had the MRI of my brain this morning.  Now I have to play the waiting game until the 21st. 

I had leave my house this morning by 6:45.  So, needless to say, I'm wiped out yet again because my only day of sleeping in... I wasn't able to sleep in.  Meeeh.

I have to write my paper on sickle cell anemia today.  I have it all researched and a rough draft somewhat written in my notebook.  Now it's just a matter of typing it.  I like sickle cell anemia (i like learning about it- not that it exists), so it's not that I don't want to write it.  I just don't have the motivation or drive to do it. 
I'm tired and have a headache and just want to curl up and sleep.

I took a 3.5 hour nap yesterday afternoon after the diagnostics lab final.  I'm pretty sure my new medication should not allow that to happen... Hm.

There's an NCIS marathon starting in 45 minutes... maybe I'll take a break until then, and then type the paper as I watch it... since chances are I've seen all of them and Gibbs and Abby can keep me company in the background.

I'm sick of feeling this way.

i need a reason

i'm not doing alright today.
the doctor appointment i had today was the worst one of them all.
i dont have it in me to explain right now.

i am so utterly defeated i dont even know what to do with myself.

i still have the MRI on saturday and an appt w. dr V on the 21st.
if the MRI shows nothing, then i'm done. i quit. 
i can't handle this anymore.

i never ate dinner.  unless a pear counts for dinner. 
i was with nathan so i made myself eat something for him.


but i miss the anorexia.
the anorexia gave me a reason to feel sick.
it gave me a reason to not have kids (and to not have to admit that i'm not having them because I'm scared I can't handle it).
there was no mystery as to why i was tired, why i had headaches, why i couldn't focus, why my whole body ached.

i need a reason for why i'm still feeling all of that.

and i know how to create it.

no song lyric title. just stuff.

i need an off-switch for my brain.  i need an eraser so i can erase the memories.

i can't sleep tonight.  i close my eyes but just have flashbacks.

every once in awhile the memories come flooding in from nowhere.  completely unexpected everytime.

aww, i just got off the phone with Nathan again--- he had called me a few minutes ago because he saw me online and we hadn't talked all day because he worked until midnight after being in class all morning/ afternoon.  i was kind of quiet on the phone and didn't want to bring anything up because he has to get up early and it's past 1am and he needed to go to bed.  not even a minute later he called back, "are you okay tonight?  is there something bothering you?"  i said "it's been kind of a rough night... a lot of memories". 
"about what?" 
"growing up.... it really sucked back then"
-pause-
then i said "i don't know where they came from.  it's silly, i'll be fine"
we talked for a few more minutes but finally i said "okay seriously- go to bed so tomorrow doesn't completely suck for you".  he laughed and said "ok" and we said our 'i love you's and hung up.

i started crying again when he called.  i don't know if he could tell.  i thanked him for calling me again. 

he said "i can't wait for us to be married and to be together at night so that on nights like these you don't have to be alone".

i can't wait either. 
all i need right now is a nathan hug. 

59 more days.

but seriously- these stupid memories and flashbacks are silly.  and i feel so dumb for being so bothered by them every time.
it's unnecessary.

i wanted to get up early. 
i dont' know if that will be a good idea or not...
i hope i fall asleep soon.
i can't remember if i took rozerem or not.  i can't take more than one.  but i don't know if i've already taken one. 
oh well.

i'll sleep eventually, right?

All over the place

I haven't been avoiding writing or anything lately, have I?  Nah... it's just been a week and a half...

Summary of the last week and a half:  I got a nasty cold.  My professor gave me crap about not taking the exam on Monday (then called my mom and burst into tears and had to go to Nathan's house because I couldn't stop crying for over an hour).  I took it Wednesday anyway and it was fine.  Finished my ethics paper.  Procrastinated on my molecular pathology paper.  Haven't studied for the molecular diagnostics lab final that is this Friday yet.  Nathan officially become Catholic last Saturday at the Easter Vigil!!!  I cried because I was soo happy! :)  Decided I don't like the new narcolepsy medication yet I haven't switched back to my old one yet.  Found some good verses while reading the bible two nights ago that are making me a lot less freaked out about things.  Had a fun birthday celebration with my niece turning 6 last week and had a fun Easter celebration with my nieces and my 8 month old nephew running/ crawling around the house on Sunday.  And... that's about it.


Today Nathan's sister, Bethany, came over to help mom sew her bridesmaid dress.  I'm completely confused now.  I always thought we were about the same size. But I saw her measurements written down and realized I am FIVE inches smaller than her everywhere.  Bust, waist, hips, everywhere!  Seriously?  How is that even possible?  I feel like I'm as big as her.  How are my eyes that messed up?  How is my body image that disorted that I add at least 5 inches to myself.  I spent the rest of the afternoon looking at Bethany trying to figure it out.  I don't think she's all that big (even though I wouldn't be okay with it for me..), so if I'm smaller than her than I can't be all that big, either?  BUT I AM HUGE.  I don't get it.  I just don't get it. 

I've been getting stricter with myself about eating.  Not restricting... just... progressively more perfectionistic about it. 

Susan told me last week in therapy that, although she's a health care professional and cares for my wellbeing and could never be okay with me falling back into anorexia, she said she COMPLETELY understands why it would make sense to, in my mind.  She said, "well sure, why wouldn't you?"  and I couldn't answer her. 
In my mind, my body is going to be sick and exhausted either way.  When I'm eating well, I'm still tired.  And I'm still unhappy with my size.  But, if I stop eating, I'll be tired.  But- I'll have a reason why I'm tired so it won't be as frustrating.  Because at least then, my exhaustion wouldn't be a mystery that no one could figure out. It's easy to figure out if I'm not eating. Plus, I wouldn't be as unhappy with my size anymore. 
If I'm going to feel sick everyday of my life, I might as well get something out of it (ie: weight loss), right?  At least be able to control SOMETHING.  Because ever since I've been hom from IP, I've eaten well and have tried to lose weight, and it has been sooo difficult.  And then, my body crashes and I'm unable to exercise for X amount of time because I'm too sick, so of course I can't lose weight... because my body sucks and continues to be sick... even though I feed it now.  So why bother feeding it? 

It hates me- I'll hate it back.

I'm glad she said she understood that.  Not because I need her "approval" to relapse (not that I'm relapsing), but I'm just relieved that my logic (or lack there of) isn't so out in left field that I've lost all reason. 


Then she asked if I thought I'd still be alive if I hadn't gone into IP treatment. 
I said, "No".
"Then isn't that worth it?"
"I guess so, but now it isn't.  If I gave in, it would be one less battle I'd be fighting right now.  I'd have a reason for feeling like shit, and it would be in my control so it wouldn't be so mentally painful as it is now.  I need a reason to feel this sick.  I need to at least get something out of it.  At least have some sort of control over it." 
"But you have a reason you feel so sick"
"Sure, I have some mystery sleep disorder no one has ever seen before and can't fix, and a rising ANA titer no one can figure out.  And no treatment can fix a brain, so I'm pretty much sick forever, aren't I?  I might as well at least feel comfortable in my body if I'm going to feel like this."


Then she asked why I continue to eat well when it's my choice and I don't like what I'm doing now.
I said, "because no one will get it.  people will worry and get hurt.  Nathan won't like it. I can't hurt Nathan. My mom will freak out.  Jayme, my family, no one would leave me alone about it.  it's NOT my choice."
She tried to convince me it was still my choice but it's hard to agree with her on that one.

But she said, from my point of view, she understands why I would think this way.  Which was nice to finally hear.  No one else gets it.  

So, that was last Thursday.  Like I said, I haven't been restricting.  I'm staying within my range... but I'm being a lot more strict. 
I think stress is getting to me.
I'm done with college in 20 days and I'm getting married in 60 days (!!!).  It's happy stress, but stress nonetheless.  I feel very pressured. 



Here are the verses that are helping me not freak out about my appt with the sleep specialist on Thursday or the MRI of my brain this Saturday, or the follow up appt with my neurologist after that.

"Do not give into sadness, torment not yourself with brooding; Gladness of heart is the very life of man, cheerfulness prolongs his days.  Distract yourself, renew your courage, drive resentment far away from you;  For worry has brought death to many, not is there aught to be gained from resentment.  Envy and anger shorten one's life, worry brings on premature old age..."  Sirach 30: 21-25

and

"Terrified by what his mind's eye sees, like a fugitive being pursued; As he reaches safety, he wakes up astonished that there was nothing to fear."  Sirach 40:7-8

and, for when I'm scared to hope- in fear that I'll be more hurt if I'm optomistic than completely hopeless, I've been praying this:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you many abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13





I've been going back and forth a lot between thinking I'll be sick forever to believing in God's power to heal- and trying to trust that He'll help me through life.. Because if nathan and I are meant to have children- He has to provide some way for it to happen, because right now, I don't think I'd be able to physically manage it.

And I guess that's another reason why I don't find an ED so bad anymore-  For awhile I was scared I'd ruin my ability to become pregnant and be a mommy.  But now, it seems like I can't do that because I literally cannot function off the narcolepsy medication.  And I can't control that. 
At least I'd have a reason people could understand if I was simply infertile.  But if I am fertile, then I feel selfish for not "sucking it up", going off the meds, and raising kids while having zero energy.  I can't control that.  I can (and have) control(led) the loss of periods for years and years.  And at least that makes sense. 

I know this is all very illogical.  I know that I'd be even sicker if I wasn't eating.  I'd have less "good" days (read: less "function somewhat normally" days).  I'd still have osteopenia- or even have progressed to osteoporosis... and lose all hope of running.

I feel like I'm going crazy.
I have a headache.  It feels like there is pressure within my skull. 
I'm so tired today.  4 cups of coffee on top of my new medication... no help.

When I don't feel well, it's hard to feel hopeful.  Or to see why I should keep trying.

a day of nothing

i have not done anything today.
tomorrow is my niece's 6th birthday, so of course i'm going there after Mass tomorrow.

I'm getting  a sore throat.  More sore than my usual sore throat.

i try to study, try to focus on anything and after 5 minutes i can't even think hard enough to understand what i'm reading. 

i haven't heard back from my professors about the exam on monday.  but at this rate, i won't be ready. 

i don't know if the new narcolepsy med isn't working, or if I need to adjust to it, or if i'm getting sick and my body is fighting something? 
I feel absolutely horrible.  All of me aches and my brain is in a giant cloud of fog. 

i feel like so lazy.  but it's not like i haven't been trying.  i have been.  but i have been physically and mentally unable to do so.

i guess i have to trust that my professors won't make me take the exam on monday.  but it's hard for me to trust that.  i could always just not show up, except that we have a class right before the exam that wouldn't be good to miss.

i don't know.  i'm all over the place.
i need to finish the purse i'm knitting for my niece, too.  I'm almost done.  I'm just too apathetic to do it.
There's always tomorrow morning, right?  I'm going to the 1:30 Mass tomorrow...
My original plan was to work in the morning before Mass, but at this point, I don't think I can.  I have too much to do, plus I don't feel capable of thinking that hard.  I need to email my boss and let him know I've been sick lately and that's why i haven't gone in much...

I hate falling short in what i do.

i feel like a bad student, a bad employee, a bad friend, and a bad daughter. 

i can't take this anymore.

down for the count

I'm so exhausted today.  My head is one giant cloud of fog.  My neurologist gave me a free sample of a different narcolepsy medication to take in the morning.  all it is is the active ingredient from the one I'm already taking.  So I took it this morning and had 3 cups of coffee and I"m still completely exhausted.  I guess it isn't fair to say the nuvigil isn't working since I've been more exhausted than normal lately so it has more to fight against.  But I feel like I could fall asleep right now which is kind of defeating the purpose of it.  But emotional stress can be really draining, especially for me, so I'll give it time.

Except I don't have a lot of time because I have an exam Monday and I've barely studied for it. I've been trying off and on all day and I'm getting nowhere.  I'm so tired I can't think hard enough to make sense of anything I'm reading.  Jayme's coming over tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to concentrate by tomorrow.  But who knows.

I hate asking for more time for exams.  I always feel so weird and guilty and weak.  Like professors will think less of me.  But my professors know me well enough by now to know I'm not asking for more time simply because I've been too lazy to study.  I hope so, anyway.  I emailed them this morning... but I haven't heard back from either one of them and it's already 4pm on a Friday... so I"m getting nervous that they aren't going to get the email until Monday morning and I won't know either way until then...

I was hoping to catch you yesterday when I stopped by campus but I couldn't find either of you.  I wanted to keep you updated.  I had another appointment with my neurologist yesterday with more upsetting news and with more tests and follow ups scheduled.  These last few weeks have been physically and emotionally draining, and it's taking a lot of effort to just keep myself from completely falling apart.  With all of these things hitting one right after the other, I'm finding it really difficult to be able to concentrate.  I'm doing the best I can to be prepared for the exam on Monday but, under the circumstances, I was wondering if I could have a plan B and have the option to take the exam on Wednesday, if absolutely necessary.
-Andi

I hope they email me soon.  I need some sort of reassurance I'll be okay.

"as it all comes crashing down"

The last two days have been so draining.  Not to mention this whole week, this whole month.  I'm so exhausted.

Yesterday I found out my ANA titer has doubled again and is now 640.  And yet, the stupid rheumatologist was like "oh, that's not a big deal".  Like hell it is.  But all of the other tests were negative.  And my clinical symptoms aren't severe enough to categorize me into any diagnosis.  which is fine- it's not like I wanted to have lupus or anything- but honestly i just want an answer.  But then she asked how much motrin or other NSAID I was taking per day and i said up to 9 motrin- since that's the max amount i could have when i fractured my bones.  She said with my pain i could take up to 12 a day as needed.
Okay, so... my symptoms aren't bad enough for you but I can take more motrin than i could take when i had a broken bone?  Um... okay.
So I left completely defeated.  I went to TA lab and i sat there doing absolutely nothing.  I left to go talk to Jayme and Nathan when they called me back.  otherwise, i sat there in a daze, trying not to cry.  I did direct a couple of students to which red bucket had bleach water for their slides.  Um, that's about it.


So then this morning, I went into my neurology appointment, ready for it to be the last time I was going to see Dr V.  I knew he was about to give up on me since last time he said he was out of ideas.  But... when I told him about my ANA levels and how they've increased even within the last two weeks his mind went into full gear again.  He knows my sleep disorder is definitely something wrong with how my sleep cycles in the night.  Something within my brain is disrupting the sleep cycle and keeping me in stage 2 for pretty much the whole night.  He asked if I've ever had an MRI of my head- I said no.  So he wants me to get one to look for pockets of inflammation within my brain.
He also doesn't think that I'm lucky enough to have all of these rare illnesses all separately ("that's like one person getting struck by lightning 4 times).  He agrees that this has to be one thing going on and he thinks that the ANA level is what's going to bring it all together.  ANA can be an indication of inflammation- and obviously even though I'm having muscle and joint pain, it's not manifesting itself much in my joints because, while they hurt and are stiff, they aren't inflamed.  So... he's wondering if the inflammation is actually within my brain.  He said, "this could be causing the sleep problems, pain, and SVT (my heart issue), and possibly even the bipolar disorder". 
He said a lot of times when this happens, the patients are obviously sick but never quite enough for a diagnosis.  He said it's what they call a "lupus-like syndrome".  It's autoimmune but doesn't manifest like what would typically be seen.

I had originally asked him for ideas of where to go next.  He said there's a guy in a hospital in detroit that has a lot of experience with sleep disorders i could go to, but that it take a while to get into him.  But he said there's a doctor within the neurological clinic Dr V works in that trained under that doctor and would be good to get a second opinion with.
So I see her on the 8th and get the MRI on the 10th.  I need to schedule a follow up with Dr V but the lady at the front desk didn't seem that was necessary... even though the MRI is after I'm seeing anyone and I need to know those results... plus, Dr V books up really quickly... so I think I'm going to call the office tomorrow and try to get something in as soon as possible.

I'm scared to hope.  But maybe this is it.  But again, how many times have I said this?
I sat in my car after the appointment and just cried.  But at least today I wasn't crying because I felt defeated... I was crying because I was overwhelmed and that appointment was nothing like I had expected or prepared for.

The stupid rheumatologist on Wednesday was horrible.  I refuse to go back to her.
Dr V has another rheumatologist he's going to recommend if in fact there is inflammation in my brain.
I said, "Please no more Beaumont doctors.  Beaumont doctors suck".  He laughed and promised me the other doctor was through St Johns.  I said, "Good.  I hate Beaumont.  Their doctors are all idiots".  He got a good chuckle out of that (he's a St Johns doctor).

so... basically now I"m stressing out because I haven't studied at all or started my papers or my presentations.
I have a killer exam on Monday that I haven't even looked at yet.  And I missed two of the lectures because of panic attacks and I was hoping to see the professor today when I stopped by on campus to explain this to her but she wasn't there.  I started an email to her but it sounded stupid so i didn't send it.  I'm not trying to get out of the exam on monday- i just need to know that if by chance i'm not able to do anything this weekend I have that option.

I'm so overwhelmed.

Which I feel is silly... it's not like I got "bad" news today.  I don't have lupus or RA.  I should just be happy and relieved.
But now I'm just more on edge wondering what my brain will show.
And again scared for a negative result.

If there is no inflammation in my brain- I'm giving up.  I'm throwing in the towel and stopping the search for an answer.
I can't take it anymore.


(Title: "Paper Tigers" by Thrice)

Nerves

My appt is in 30 minutes.
This might require the other half of xanax.  but maybe not until afterwards...
I keep getting the sensation of when my stomach drops and does a flip.   and perhaps a cartwheel and a backhand spring and somersaults and a whole gymnatics routine.  My insides are very talented like that.

I'm so nervous.  I don't want a negative result, I don't want a postive result, and I really don't want to have to meet yet another doctor and explain my 10 year history all over again and go through all of this all over again. 

It's way too draining.

Why is my health always beyond my grasp?

Is health too much to ask for?

Friends and support

I went with Jayme to her grandma's to sit Shiva today.  I'm really glad I went.  I met a bunch of her family and heard great stories about her grandma and got to give Jayme a few big hugs and talk with her.

We went for a walk and talked about life, death, and everything in between.  I'm so glad we have each other to talk and vent about eating disorders, bipolar disorder, anxiety and self injury with.  Because we both have awesome significant others who are fantastic at listening and supporting us through this stuff, but they don't GET IT.  They've never lived or struggled through what Jayme and I have.  She can say something and I understand exactly.  I say something and she understands exactly.  It's almost scary how much alike our minds work.
As our walk was ending she mentioned she hopes that we never end up triggering each other.  But I honestly don't think we ever will.  Neither does she.  She said "as long as we're always honest with each other, i'm sure we'll be fine".  and I dont feel like i'm in a place where i could be triggered, or get to place where i could trigger her. Plus, we're both far along in our recoveries that we're not actively engaging in ED behavior and aside from last week's brick-wall-meets-andi's-hand incident, SI hasn't been much of an issue, either.  I know it isn't for her anymore.
Besides, we never talk about specifics.  We talk in general terms- mostly about the anxiety behind things and the hell of being bipolar and medications and stupid doctors, and vent about our idiot classmates.

So yeah- I'm glad we have each other.  And I'm glad I was able to go and be there with her today.

My doctor appointment is tomorrow...  I almost picked up the results from my GP today on the way to Jayme's house- but since I'd be able to interpret the results, I didn't think it was a good time to see them....

Nathan has an appointment tomorrow morning at the VA hospital to get his heart checked out again since it's been years since it was last checked (he has a progressive heart valve condition).  I'm nervous about that, and amazed at how calm he is about the whole thing.  He's such a great example for me. He's my rock.

"Fading, all these lights just turn to grey"

I have to be honest- mentally I am not doing okay.

I was laying in bed last night and I was trying to figure out how I was feeling, and all I kept imagining was a really strong wind. You know the wind that is going so hard that it's difficult to even stand up straight, letalone walk forward?  I feel like I am up against that wind.  And if at any moment I relax, the wind will knock me over and carry me away. 
And then I couldn't figure out which situation I was feeling.  Both, it seems.  I feel like I'm standing still with the world rushing past me.  And all my efforts to move forward or get anywhere are in vain. 
Othertimes I feel like I'm just going with the flow, mindlessly getting through my days.

My days are so unproductive.  I'm barely studying.  I'm barely making it into work.  I'm barely getting anything done around the house. I haven't wanted to be around people.  I've been unable to exercise more days than not (yesterday and today were two more rest days, and tomorrow will be one, too, because of classes and my doctor appointment...).
I'm not sleeping well.  I'm completely exhausted.  Whatever illness I have is flairing up and I can tell my body is crashing.  I just don't feel well. 

My eating is unbalanced.  I've stopped tracking it because I can't put forth the effort.  I've been eating weird combinations, and weird things to make up a "meal".  I'm probably eating over my range, but I don't have it in me to check.  I just dont' even care.  I do care, though.  That's the problem.  I do care, so it's driving me crazy that I don't have the energy to do anything about it.  But I can tell I stopped losing weight- not surprisingly- but I'm not okay with that.  I don't to be stuck where I'm at.  And I know my body can't handle not eating.  Or even eating less.  My body is already so... weak... from battling my illnesses that it doesn't have the strength to handle being punished by me.  So that can't even be an option.  Which I guess is a good thing, but it still sucks.

I feel stuck.  and unbalanced.

I don't know what is fueling this.  I had been doing so well.  Is this the aftermath of my week full of multiple panic attacks?  Did it mess with the bipolar?  Did the xanax change something?  I haven't been taking it much- it's been a few days.  but I don't know. 
Is it my doctor appt tomorrow and my fear of getting the results back? 
Is it my lack of interest in this semester and subsequent excitement to graduate in 5 weeks and be done with my stupid university?
Is it the stress of the wedding?  Even though I'm not necessarily stressed about the wedding itself... more just the fact I have to be an adult and do adult things.  That scares me. I know it does.

So I don't know.  I'm just numb.
And I can't lean on Jayme right now, and Nathan is busy with his course load and work schedule.
Maybe I should have more than two friends?  Eh, I have other friends, just no one else I'm close with.

Nathan is going to the VA hospital tomorrow to get his heart checked out.  He has a heart condition- that's why he got out of the Navy.  And he hasn't been checked out since he left.  So tomorrow we both get important news.  Eventually he may require heart surgery which scares me so much... I can't even think about it.

I feel like I'm all over the place.  But at the same time, I'm not moving anywhere.  I'm standing in the wind, struggling just to keep upright, and the world is rushing past me, without me. 
And I feel completely powerless.




(Title: Lyrics to"Changing" by Saosin)

"Thank you for ending her pain"

Talked to Jayme finally today.  She says everything seems really surreal and that she's sort of checked out like she normally does in this type of situation.  She wanted to keep talking but she had to go sit Shiva, and then I asked her what that was like and she explained it and then said I was welcomed to come.  I want to go tonight, especially since I'm already half way there (from my house) but I have class tonight.  I could easily not TA (since that's been the trend lately...), but I skipped ethics last week because of the panic attacks so I really can't again this week.  I told her I'd be there tomorrow.  She seemed happy to hear that.  I was just happy to know I was welcomed.  I told her how my dad said that typically Jewish tradition only allows family to be involved in the funeral and Shiva and stuff and she said no, that anyone is welcomed.  So I'm glad I can be there for her in that way, too.  Not just in going to class to take good notes for her and getting extra power point handouts. 

I miss her.  I typically only get to see her Mondays and Wednesdays for class, anyway, which i never think is enough, but now that all of this is going on it really isn't enough.  I need to be there to give her a hug.

If only we didn't live an hour away from each other.





(Title: "supernatural" by Flyleaf)

dilemma

I don't know what to do right now.

I'm utterly exhausted.  But I wanted to workout before I went to work since I have the house to myself for the afternoon.  But I'm really tired and my calves are really achey from running two days ago without my new orthotics, and logically, I know I shouldn't workout today.  But then... what if I can't workout tomorrow?  Or Wednesday?  Then I'm skipping even more days.  And I can't skip more days. 

Why can't I?

I don't know.  Because then it wouldn't be enough.  Because then I would feel obligated to overdo it on the other days to "make up" for today.  So I want to workout today "just in case" i can't workout Monday and/or Wednesday.  Because I'm going to regret taking today off later. Because I hate my body.  Because I'm not used to treating it well and resting when it needs it.  Because my anxiety is really high and I need some sort of release, and what other release, besides cutting, is there? 

I'm sitting here in my workout clothes debating what to do.
This is pathetic. 
But right now, I feel too tired to even go to work.  Letalone workout before going to work.

I don't want to be alone today.
But Nathan can't come over later like he usually does on Sundays.
and my parents are babysitting my nieces.  I could go over there, but I don't feel up to that, either.

I feel like I'm nothing.
I feel nonexistant.
I feel incapable of doing anything.
But really, I don't feel much at all.

gone

jayme called me tonight.  i missed the call.
she left a voicemail.  her grandma died this afternoon.
i've never heard jayme cry before. 
i called her back but she didn't pick up.
i want to be there with her. 
i've never heard her cry.

"Shout for shout's sake"

I don't know how it's Saturday night already. 

I haven't been very productive lately.  I have no ambition.  Actually, I do.  I just don't feel I have it in me to follow through with anything.

Yesterday was in the mid-60s and sunny.  I wore shorts and a tanktop and went for a run.  A short run, but still.  I ran outside!  Today was 30 degrees with snow flurries... so that sucked.  But at least yesterday was nice.

 Jayme's grandma has leukemia (CMML) and has been getting sicker and sicker.  On Thursday night Jayme called me to tell me that she entered into hospice care.  Her grandma had wanted to do hospice at home but the doctor said she had so little time left it wouldn't have been worth it.  She called me this morning to tell me she was on her way to the hospital again because they got the call saying it was only a matter of hours.  I've been praying for her, for her grandma, for her whole family.  I know that's the best thing I could do for them, but it never seems like enough.  Jayme said not to expect a call from her tonight, but maybe by tomorrow. 
My heart is breaking over a woman I've never met... my best friend's grandma. 
At least now it will be over and Jayme and her family can grieve and move on.  They've been in limbo for so long that it has really taken a toll on everyone.


Mom wants to play Myst tonight (exploring mystery puzzle computer game).  She's been bugging me about it for awhile.  We started it awhile ago and I haven't been home or had the time to sit down and get further into it.

I don't want to play it tonight.  I just want to stay in my room and be alone.  The thought of leaving my room sent me in a tizzy and I took half a xanax just to be safe. 
This can't be normal.

 I hurt all over today.  legs, back, feet, head, muscles, bones, nerves.

and my mind. 

i just want to hide away and make today go away.
but i won't be living here much longer, so i feel guilty not playing the game with mom.
i just don't feel up to it and don't know how to tell her that with her getting all worked up that something is wrong with me right now.

I feel like crying.  and cutting.  but mostly just crying.
i dont know why.  i just do.



(Title: lyrics to "Lost symphonies" by Saosin)

"Only surrender will help you now."

Two days of no panic attacks....
I took half a xanax yesterday before mom and I went to nathan's sister's house (dress fitting and hair trials for the wedding).  Half of one worked well.  I wasn't really tired but I didn't get panicky.  So why did I take a full one today during lab?  I got SO tired.  I zoned out in pathology, then crashed on the couch in the computer lab afterwards.  I called Nathan to say hi and he said I was slurring my speech.  well then i thought that was hilarious and got all giggly and kept laughing.  i hung up with him and then my friends rachael and tony were in the lab, too, and they kept on me about being a druggy, and i was able to completely turn that around on tony (long story), and the 3 of us kept cracking each other up, but i seriously was so giggly!  I had to go to lab so i got away from rachael and tony for an hour until they came in at 4 because they're in the second lab. That was interesting.

I talked with Dr R during lab and she had a lot of good points about tests my doctor SHOULD have ordered and didn't.  It made a lot of sense.  I and I've been going through my old medical records like crazy lately looking for clues- now that i understand what i'm actually reading.  I'm losing so much faith in doctors and the way medical schools are teaching.  It's awful.

anyway, i found out a lot by going through these old records that i feel like the doctors really downplayed and shouldn't.
I told dr R how my ANA titer used to be 640 when I was 14, and only just now realized because i read it in a report between two doctors.  It was briefly mentioned and it was it.  It was something along the lines of "her symptoms don't match and she's too young".  So I mentioned this to Dr R, how my ANA was 640 but how they said was too young to be sick and she got really upset.  She said "ANYONE with an ANA titer of 640 has SOMETHING going on.  It doesn't matter what the age- they should have followed up on that."
I had brought this up because I was curious why it would go from 640 to 160 to 320 in the course of 9 years.  She wasn't sure but we got disrupted by students asking questions--- which is fine since that's the point of helping in a lab--- not to sit around and talk about my own medical history with my professor.  I think tomorrow I"m going to talk to her about it again and ask her what I should ask the rheumatologist next week so i know what's going on.  She explained a lot about my thyroid to me, too, today. how my doctor was an idiot for not ordering a total T4 level and only the free T4 (i'm not going to get into the physiology of this, don't worry).

So yeah, I came home tonight and mom asked how my day was and i started explaining all of this stuff to her.  I asked "did you realize my ANA titer used to be 640???"  and explained to her all of this stuff i found and researched and talked to Dr R about.  My mom turned it around and was like, "i'm sorry I didn't push more about that or know more or do more, or yaddy yaddy yaddy".  I wanted to tell her to SHUT UP! 
I told her I wasn't blaming her for anything and that it wasn't her fault the doctors never came out and told us anything.  Then i bitched about doctors being complete idiots because med school should be way longer than 4 years because there is way too much to learn and you can't do that in 4 years.  but she still was all mopey and feeling sorry for herself because she didn't do more or catch any of that was going on 9 years ago.
But seriously- the doctors sucked, she was stressed because her youngest daughter was sick and no one would believe us, and the doctors didn't come out and give us this report-- i had to read a letter from a doctor to another doctor to catch the first ANA level.  so it's not like my mom wouldn't have actually known because i don't remember them mentioning it, either.

oh, she also asked if i took xanax today and i said yes and she seemed upset by that.  but why???? it avoided a panic attack, so why is she all upset.  UGH!!!!

anyway.  it's annoying.

i have more to talk about but it has to wait for tomorrow because the 2nd xanax is definitely kicking in...


(title: lyrics to "again" by flyleaf)

"It's been this way for as long as I remember "

After Nathan's class last night we went back to his house.  I half-way studied molecular pathology while he studied.  Actually, I laid on the couch and went back and forth between sleeping and awake.  But my binder was open to yesteday's lecture.  So that counts, right?

We cuddled for a little while before I left.  I felt safe.
When I got home I decided to take a xanax.  Not because I necessarily felt panicky- I just wanted to know how it made me feel for future reference.  My dr had recommended that for the ativan, too.  But ativan doesn't do much for me.
Jayme was right- it does work subtly.  But it does work.  There is no 'BAM- I feel drugged up all of a sudden' feeling with it.  Just gradually i felt really really relaxed.  I was talking to Nathan online and I told him that I felt physically unable to even have a panic attack.  I felt unable to be tense.  It was the first time in 6 days I had felt that way.  It made me REALLY tired.  But I think it did only because I was already pretty tired.  Funny how panic does that to you.  So I don't know if it will always make me that tired, I think it just let me relax enough to actually sleep.  Which was absolutely wonderful.  I've been very much sleep deprived lately.

I feel better just knowing that I have something to help me avoid future attacks.

I went to work today and my boss measured my feet for orthotics.  Him and phil were talking about how it's supposed to get into the 60s tomorrow and Thursday and I said, "oh! perfect running weather!"  Don (boss) just looked at me sternly and said "Andi... ".  I laughed.  Everyone at work knows I jump into the running way faster than I should.  I've gotten lectured countless times on starting out slowly with intervals and increasing the time/distance very slowly.  I always nod and say, "yes, i know", and then ignore their advice.  Well- I do intervals when I run, they're just longer intervals than they suggest and more of them...
So again, as I was putting my shoes back on, Don said "Okay, now when you get the orthotics next week, I don't want you to jump right into the running."  I grinned.  he continued, "remember to start off slowly and adjust to running with orthotics and do the interval running."  I said, "i know, i know".  in the back of my mind i was thinking "yeah, right".  I'll be good for about week and then I'm sure i'll run a lot more than I "should".  but really- I've had 5 physical therapists and my sports doctor all lecture me multiple times on the best way to ease into running again.  Do I not think that they have the experience and knowledge to know what they're talking about?  I just don't want to believe them.  What they tell me makes sense.  But when I start running and am feelign really good, I hate stopping to walk.  Walking is boring.  Walking is not running.  Walking breaks the rhythm.  Walking gets me out of the 'zone'... or prevents me from even getting into the zone.

I'll try to be good.  But I'm not making any promises yet.
Running lets me run away from all of my problems.  I leave them behind me and I run away.



(Title: lyrics to "uphill battle" by Saosin)

"Still pulses race and scream"

so this morning i was sitting in molecular diagnostics, trying to pay attention to this horrible teacher.  when all of a sudden, i couldn't breathe again, started shaking, the whole deal.  i thought 'shit, not again'.  then i felt trapped in the room, so that wasn't helping.  then i decided i didn't care if i got up and i put my head down and walked as quickly out of the room as possible.  i ran down the hallway and hid in the stairwell again.  i sat there paralyzed for what i found out later to be 45 minutes.  i luckily forced myself to get up just in time to get to the next class right before it started- jayme had grabbed my stuff for me.  so i took it and told her i had to go.  I knew she knew what had happened, plus she (and a few others) saw blood all over my hands from my knuckles.  I was shaking so badly i could barely hold onto the handouts they were trying to give me as i also picked up my backpack, coat and water bottle.  i kept dropping everything.  i managed to bolt out of that room, called Nathan and he said i could come over.  so I found dr R to tell her that yet again, i probably wouldn't TA lab today.  I was shaking like crazy when i was talking to her.  i couldn't even stand still.  i felt like i was crawling out of my skin.  she asked "what's going on?  did they change your medication?" i said no.  she said i should try eating some chocolate.  that broke the tension.  she said it was fine i wasn't there.  she said to go home and rest.  and that she hopes this doesn't continue much longer.

i drove to nathan's and went down to his room and laid in his bed for 3 hours pretty much motionless as he studied in the den.  he'd come in periodically to see how i was.  i just laid there.  i had to pee, but i didn't care.  my stomach was growling, but i didn't care.  i just laid there.  i couldn't do anything.  i felt unable to move.

after 3 hours i went upstairs and ate some of my lunch as nathan had his.  i called my psychiatrist and she called in xanax for me... I guess that's good... ?  i half-studied for awhile as nathan continued to study.  i've decided to skip ethics tonight since it's 3.5 hours and goes until 10pm... i don't feel up to that.  so i came to campus with him since he has stats from 530- 715.  it at least gets me out of his house and in public again.  even though i don't necessarily want to be.  i might go to my ethics class just to talk to the teacher, halfway explain why i can't stay and hopefully get my exam back.  or i might just email her and wait a week.  i still haven't decided- i have an hour before i'd have to walk there.
i don't know what i'm going to do until then.  i guess study.  but i'm too numb.  i'm too tired.
i still haven't even taken the diagnostics midterm.  i feel bad that i still haven't taken it.  i had the intentions of taking it today.  i honestly did.  and then this damn panic keeps hitting me.  at least once a day since Tuesday.   6 days of this damn panic attacks.  i can't take it.  i'm going crazy.
on the way back to his house, we're going to stop at the CVS he works at and pick up the xanax, hopefully this will help.

(Title: lyrics to "The End" by Greenwheel)

" Now you've found love, it's shining through"

I've had an epiphany about how it truly does not matter what size I am and how much I weight.

Last night I mentioned to Nathan how I decided to give my "anorexic pants" to my older sister, who is somehow naturally very thin.  At first I never wanted to give her my old pants because I didn't want to see her wearing them and get upset that they didn't fit me anymore.  But then I was cleaning my closet a couple of weeks ago, throwing stuff out and making a donation pile.  I wanted to go through everything and ask myself "do I want to take then when I move out?"  and if I wouldn't take it with me, I threw it out or put it in the donate pile.

I tried on a lot of my old clothes.  Some of my old shirts are short!  I don't understand how they shrunk length wise.  Did I grow a couple of inches?  All of the short shirts went into the donate pile.  The other shirts I had to decide- Do they currently fit, do they have the potential to fit again, will they most likely never fit again, or do I even like the style anymore?  I actually felt okay by all of this.  Some old shirts fit again (they probably would have "fit" before but I don't like tight shirts so I had put them away in favor of sweatshirts).  I felt calm knowing that I've finally lost weight in a healthy way, and so these other shirts DO have the potential to fit.  I made a deal with myself.  When I get to my "goal weight" (actually, goal size- since I weigh more than I used to before my really bad relapse due to muscle-- so my goal is actually my pre-really-bad-relapse size, and Lisa is okay with this) if they don't fit then, I will donate them and not even flirt with idea of making them be able to fit again..
It was that day I decided to offer my old pants to my sister.  I emailed her and explained how I felt ready and okay about this and that she was welcome to try them on and have them.  She said she'd do that, and asked me if I was really sure about this.  I told her I was.

So last night I told Nathan I decided to give her the pants.  He knew before how I really didn't want to see her in them.  So he was surprised I offered them to her.  But I told him I was at peace about it.  That my body was finally responding to my efforts and starting to get smaller, so I finally have hope and feel better about the potential to get smaller.  I told him I know I'll most likely never get back to that size- in a healthy way- and how I know I can't go back to that size in an unhealthy way.  He asked how much my body had responded and I said "well, I've already lost 15 pounds".  He looked shocked and asked "since when?" I said "my birthday (early september), but 10 since January.  He asked, "does it make a bad fiance since I never even noticed?  you've always looked perfect to me".  I told him it was fine he didn't.  I mentioned how the pants I was wearing used to not fit, along with the jeans I was wearing the day before.  he said, "I have noticed a gradual shift of new (old) clothes, I just didn't put it together".

You know- I'm glad he didn't notice.  Because it's further proof that my size does not matter.  Especially to him.  And he's all I care about.  I am loved no matter what size I am.

I still have my goal in mind.  And I know I'm almost there.
He asked me once, "when you get to your "goal", are you sure it will be enough?  are you going to want to keep going and not stop there?"
And I told him no.  That I feel okay to stop there.  That I don't need to look like a pre-teen with zero curves, or be extra bony (which he was happy to hear because he likes my curves-- which used to freak me out, but now I'm okay with it).  I told him that I like feeling strong, and having muscle. I can't be that way if I let myself get sick again.

I love Nathan.  He makes me feel so comfortable.  Even at the beginning when we just started hanging out.  I'd go to his house, or he'd come to mine, and all of a sudden, when we walked through the door, all of my insecurities went away.  I forgot that i was having a "fat day".  It all left my mind and I felt so comfortable and happy to just be around him. 
He reassures me there's no need to lose weight, but he understands if I still think there is.  Just as long as I don't keep going once I get to the size that Lisa and I both agreed on, he's okay with whatever I decide to do.  But that he thinks I'm weird for thinking I need to change.  Maybe it's not so much a "need" as a "want".
I feel like if I can get back to my pre-relapse weight/size, then it'll be like I've come around full circle.  I lost the weight, I gained it and then some, and then if I can finally just go back to where I was, I can stop being reminded of it, and I can move on.


(title: lyrics to "come close" by Saosin)

"Believe the sound when the truth will send you falling"

I'm not really sure how I"m doing.  I feel more traumatized than I should be.  But how much of how I'm handling things can I control?  Nathan and I ran errands today.  We took my car but I made him drive.  We had to take the same road that I was forced off of and I can't handle driving on it right now.  I was shaking the whole time we were on it.  We were doing wedding stuff today and going out to dinner and Nathan kept commenting that I wasn't even trying to pretend to be happy.  I don't think he realized how much it was bothering me, which I didn't blame him for- I didn't let him know.  When we had finished one of our errands and were on our way to grab some dinner before we finished the other one I curled up in a ball in the seat.  Nathan asked what was wrong and I said I wasn't feel right.  That I couldn't explain it but I was just upset and really anxious.  I was shaking really badly when we sat down for dinner.  I wasn't hungry but I made myself eat.  He mentioned how he agrees with my mom that I need to ask my psychiatrist for something for the anxiety.  I told him I didn't want to be that patient that goes in and says "i'm anxious, give me drugs".  But he reassured me that's not how it would be.  That all I needed to ask for is a few of them for when it gets bad, not a 30 day supply.  He said "Andi, you've been having multiple panic attacks and you've been really anxious all week.  You're not doing well, and asking for help is not a drug seeking behavior".
I finally agreed with him.  Especially because I can't keep turning to self-injury to calm me down.  He looked at my knuckles and frowned.  I never told him about my thigh...

I still can't help feel that I'm overreacting.  My therapist on Thursday tried reassuring me that I wasn't.  And that the fear and stress and anxiety can last for awhile.  Plus I won't know about my lab results until the 24th so I won't have any closure with that for a couple of weeks. 
Plus, it doesn't help that my emotions and reactions to things are amplified.  And that stress can spark a change in the bipolar, which it clearly did. 
I asked Nathan "how can I be numb, yet anxious at the same time".  He said "you're talented."

ok. enough stalling.  i need to go to bed.

(title: lyrics to "Collapse" by saosin)

"You keep yourself so tightly wound, it's about time you break"

I got up around 6:30 this morning to study a little bit before the midterm.  I felt okay about it.  I was slightly too numb and overwhelmed to care.  I mean- after yesterday I have bigger things to worry about than a stupid midterm.  I drove to campus with Saosin blaring to drown out my thoughts.  As I was walking into the building I started shaking and was having trouble breathing.  I knew I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack, but I kept telling myself it wasn't true and that I would be fine, and that this feeling wasn't really the beginning of a panic attack, even though I knew full well that it was.  By the time I got to the classroom I was uncontrollably shaking.  I put my backpack down and sat next to Jayme and she asked how I was.  Without even looking at her, I said "I'm about to have a panic attack".  She grabbed my arm and pulled me into the hallway and I just lost it.  Right there in the hallway in front of who knows who.  Probably PT students we don't know- whatever.  But yeah.  She kept trying to calm me down, asked if I wanted a xanax since she has plenty (lol) but I said I never have taken that and i didn't want to risk it.  Our prof went to see where we were and saw me on the floor.  She asked if I was okay and Jayme said I was having a panic attack and my prof asked me if it was due to the midterm or if it was something else.  I said something else and she put her hand on my knee and commented on how badly I was shaking.  She said I could take the exam later when I calmed down.  I called Nathan but could only talk to him for a few minutes because he had to leave for work.

A little while later i went into our profs' offices (they're conjoined) to tell Dr R that I couldn't TA today because "I'm not doing too well".  She said "yeah, I heard through the grape-vine".   I just kind of stood there zoned out for a second so then I figured i should probably offer some sort of explanation.  So I did and dr R said "yeah, that's a bit traumatic" and then i said "yeah, and now i keep going between feeling utterly numb to uncontrollably shaking and crying".  I asked when I needed to take the midterm by and she said not to worry about that and that they'll figure it out later, that i should just go home and take it easy.  but i told her about the presentation i have to give tonight.  i planned on skipping molecular pathology lecture- dr R basically told me to- but then after talking to Jayme i decided i needed the distraction.  plus i didn't want to drive the 30 minutes back home, only to have to explain to my parents why i came home, and then have to drive 30 minutes back to give that stupid presentation.  So i'm here. hanging out.  completely numb.  I rubbed my knuckles against the brick walls so they're all bloody now.  i dont' have anything sharp so i had to make due.  Dr R asked if what happened to my hand was from the accident.  i laughed and said "no.  i did that.  i needed a distraction to calm down".  she already knows i'm bipolar, so i'm pretty sure she understood that and understood why i was so susceptible to the panic.  my emotions just get heightened... everything is more extreme than it should be. 

i'm glad we know our professors so well, and that they know us.  if i had been in a huge lecture hall, the prof wouldn't have known me and wouldn't know my history and would have made me take it.

I'm so tired. I barely slept last night and then got up early to study.  i'm afraid of more caffeine because i dont' want any other cause of shakiness.  I've barely eaten today but i'm just not hungry.  and when i do start feeling hungry, i'm too numb to care.  i barely ate yesterday, either.  and not even for an eating disordered reason.  i'm just simply too numb to feel hunger.  or to care if i do.
Im in this constant state of detachment.  Until of course, I think about things to much and start crying.

Jayme and I still haven't even gone through our presentation together to figure out if it's long enough.  she wants to do that at the gym after she gets out of mycology lecture- but even though i have my gym stuff with me, there's no way i can go.  1, i'm way too tired.  2, i dont want to raise my heart-rate because it reminds me of panic attacks which tends to lead to another one. 3, I've barely eaten for 2 days and so i don't think my body would appreciate it, and 4, i need to just sit down and focus on it and not have a lot of other things going on.

i wish nathan wasn't working today.  he usually doesn't work Wednesdays.  I could have just gone to his house which is a shorter drive than my house and hung out with him all day.  I though about just going there and hanging out in his room by  myself but i dont even think his parents are home today so i wouldn't be able to get in.  i'm stuck here for another 5 hours with no good place to go.  TAing usually takes up at least 3 hours, but i'm in no way able to do that today.

the good thing is, is that maybe i'll be so numb when we give our presentation that i won't even have teh chance to be nervous.
on the flip side- feeling anxious might set off a bad series of events that will cause me to run out of the room.

either way, i can't wait for today to be over so i can go home and do nothing.
or i'll go to nathan's and sit there quietly with him as he studies.  just so that i'm not alone.


(title: lyrics to "keep secrets" by Saosin)

"The floodgates are breaking and pouring out"

Today was one of the worst days in my life. 

Started out by going to the doctor for my thyroid and ANA (anti nuclear antibody) test results.  Thyroid is still low, even though I increased my thyroid dose.  That's annoying.  But then he told me my ANA titer.  It's doubled since the last time he tested it.  doubled.  and now it's "speckled" which is bad.

ANA should be negative.  It's indicative of lupus and other autoimmune disorders.  When I was 15 I tested positive for it, but the doctor was like "oh, you don't have lupus, dont' worry about it".  I was 15.  What did I know?  So then they tested it again a few years back and I had a titer of 160.  Now, if it's positive, you want it <40.  My neurologist requested that I get the level checked again (since I think narcolepsy is auto-immune), and now it's up to 320.  And now it's speckled.  My GP today said that if it's speckled it means that it's turning into something.  And my increasing titer and speckled positive indicates some sort of connective tissue disease.  He said "obviously, at the most extreme end is lupus.  I don't think you're there at this point, but I don't know where you are and where your headed."   So he drew more blood and ordered a rheumatoid panel, and referred me to see a rheumatologist.  He also mentioned an aggressive preventative treatment by using "disease modifying drugs".  He mentioned methotrexate.  I'm not stupid.  I know what that is.  I said "you have to be kidding me".  He said "well, it's a chemotherapy drug so I obviously don't want to start it now, especially without pinpointing what is going on first."  Gee, thanks.  I'm glad we at least agree on that one.

so then I was on my way home, and i was trying to merge onto the freeway, only people seemingly are unable to merge and to avoid hitting 2 cars, I had to serve, lost control and spun out, went across the median, ended up in the oncoming traffic with a semi truck headed right at me, i somehow managed to get my car back into the median before it hit me.  i proceeded to call my mom and have a panic attack.  got my car started (it took it awhile to restart). managed to drive across the median again without getting stuck (it's really muddy now that the snow has melted), and get home.  by the time i got home i had finally stopped crying.  i pulled in my driveway and my dad was working outside he said "good morning!"  i said " it is NOT  good morning" and burst into tears again.  My poor dad! lol.  

i cried and shook for a few hours after that.  then Jayme came over to study for our molecular diagnostics midterm that's tomorrow morning.  it was hard to focus, but at least it was a distraction.  but as soon as she left i started crying again and havent' really stopped since then.

today was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  I swear it was my guardian angel that saved me.  I honestly don't know what happened.  I don't know how i avoided those two cars  and i don't know how i got out of the semi's way in time.  I just don't even know. My car is fine- aside from having really muddy tires now.  the alignment might be out- it was kind of shaky driving home (but i was shaky, too). it could have been just the mud in the tires.  i don't know.

But then that stupid medical shit.  I can't handle this.  I keep thinking "maybe this will be the answer i've been searching for for 9 years"  but do you know how many times i've thought that?  and it still isn't true.  and i really hope one of the blood tests comes up positive.  because i want an answer to this whole mystery.  but then-- i dont want to the answer that a rheumatologist is going to give me.  But i don't want a negative test result, either, because that's just another door that gets slammed in my face.
I don't know which is worse.  but seriously, at this point, i can't handle it either way.

and i don't want to take the molecular diagnostics midterm tomorrow.
i've given up studying any more today.  i guess i'll get up early and hopefully will feel a little more hopeful.  i doubt it.  but maybe.


(Title: Lyrics to "Again" by Flyleaf (not Saosin... shocker!))

"My thoughts exploding in thousands of pieces"

Went to my sports doctor yesterday.  He said I don't need to completely stop exercise while I let the IT band inflammation calm down.  He said spinning is fine, though.  So that's good.  And he said I'm already doing everything right.  He noticed the bruises i have on my legs from rolling on the foam roller so much.  He said "yeah, maybe you should lay off of that for awhile".  Haha.  But yeah, about the exercise he just said no running for a while- at least until I get the custom orthotics- and he said "you're smart enough to know what movements use what muscles.  and you know when something doesn't feel right.  So with trial and error see what you can handle and rest when you need to, and keep up with the ice and motrin".  So as long as it isn't in pain and what I"m doing isn't aggravating it, I'm good to go.  My hip has felt okay the last couple of days.  I went spinning Thursday night and it felt fine.  And he thinks the orthotics will help my hip a lot, too.
That was comforting.

I went to Jayme's today and we studied molecular pathology from 11:30am-830pm.  We took about an hour long break to eat dinner and watch an episode of House, but even as we did that we worked on our thalassemia presentation.

Our current facebook statuses:

"G72/30, BDNF, MAOA, COMT, PIPK2A, 5HTT, CD14, IL10, CCL5, IL13, MYOC, OPTN, CYTP1B1, WDR36, RHO, RDS, ROM1, RP1, PRPF31 ,PDE6A, PDE6B,  RPE65, RPGR, RP2, CFTR, ATP7B, His1069Gln, Hip1, HP, Hippi, PKD1, PKD2, PKHD1, DMD, gp130, LIF, FMR1, APP, bAP, PS1, PS2, SEC, SECR, FALS, SOD1, CNTF, POAG, PACG, RP, BD, SHOX1, NOD2/CARD15, NFKB ,IBD3, DLG5, SLC22A4, SLC22A5, PDE4D, ALOX5AP, FLAP, MMP3, IL6, PC, PS, CBS, MTHFR, MS, PLP, A222V, E429A, D919G (Find the error!) "

Those are some (sadly, not even close to all (FB has a word limit for statuses)) of the genes, diseases and protein acryomns that we have to learn for Monday's test.  And it's not enough to know what they stand for, we have to know the pathogenesis of each disease, it's inheretance pattern, symptoms, risk factors, etc, for them all- and of course which gene/ mutated protein goes to which disease.  Hence we spent 8 hours on this today. (and the error is "CYTP1B1".  It should be "CYP1B1"- one of the four possible genes that can be mutated causing glaucoma (The POAG (primary open angle glaucoma) type)). 

So that exam is Monday morning.  I have the medical law and ethics exam Monday night (3.5 hour long essay exam. yikes).  Jayme is coming over all day Tuesday because we have molecular diagnostics exam on Wednesday morning (which is going to be ridiculously difficult and we didn't even have time to look at that today) and their our presentation is Wednesday night.
But I'm not stressed out.  Don't worry.

(Title: Lyrics to "Come Close" by Saosin)

"You'd better learn that this will not blow over"

I called Nathan tonight as I was driving home from campus and he asked how my day was and I told him about my stupid hip and vented and cried for at least 10 minutes about how I just can't handle this right now.  and that even though Lisa has strongly recommended i NOT workout until i see the sports dr, that i have to at least try tomorrow. for my sanity.  i have to just go and try. 
after 10 minutes i felt stupid and then i said "but, besides that, my day was good".
he laughed and said, "so aside from freaking out all day you were good?  that makes sense"

/deep breath/

it's taking every ounce of strength to keep it together right now.


(Title: lyrics to "It's far better to learn" by saosin)

"Don't let them know you're watching the situation crumble"

I hate my IT band.  I hate my body. It always betrays me.  Always. And no, that isn't black and white thinking- that's the damn truth.  I can provide proof of this.

If I can't workout tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed.  I already took yesterday off and have to take today off because of the pain.  I have to take Friday and Saturday off due to my schedule, and Sunday is questionable.  If I can't at least have Thursday, I'm going to fucking explode. 

I can't take this right now.  I just can't.

I'm stuck on campus until 9pm and all I want is to run, orto have a fucking razor blade with me. 
And neither are possible.

I hate this.
And I hate this semester, so I can't even escape into studying.  I hate studying this semester.
I can't handle this.  Not right now.


(Title: lyrics to "Follow and Feel" by Saosin)

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not sure"

stupid IT band syndrome is back full force.  My right hip is absolutely killing me right now.
what causes it? well, overuse, increasing running and cycling amounts (particularly too much too soon), uneven muscle strength (especially weak abductors- which i don't know if mine are strong or not), abnormal walking patterns due to a wide array of things- including twisted tibias, which I very much have.

I guess this is why my right knee was acting up a while ago.  now it moved into my hip again.  (my right tibia is the more twisted of the two)

remedies: stretching, rolling on it with a foam roller (i do this everyday with my IT bands), ice, rest, orthotics, and drugs such as motrin.

I've been doing the stretching, rolling, ice, and as much motrin as I'm allowed.  I'm getting orthotics soon (i finally made the appt with my dr and my physical therapist).  I've avoided the resting part.  Well- i did take a day off today to rest it.  But i dont plan on extending the rest any longer than a day.

i know that's stupid.  and my hip hurts.  but motrin helps.  and maybe by tomorrow it won't hurt so bad.  I aggrivated it yesterday and it's been really bad ever since.  so if i take precautions to not aggrivate it as much tomorrow, maybe it'll be okay... sure... ?

I see my sports doctor on Friday for the orthotic prescription (originally just because of my feet and calves).  i'll mention the IT band syndrome stuff- although he'll just say "yup, that's what it is".  he'll probably mention PT again, i'll decline, he'll give me the orthotics script and that will be that.  i wish i didn't have to bother going.  i wish he could just fax the script to my PT. 

the fact that i plan on running and spinning tomorrow even with my IT band obviously hating me for it right now should be a wake up call to me that I still very much have a problem with exercise.  I know I do. But... I don't care right now.  I've already decreased the amount I'm doing per week and Lisa said I can stay at this amount for awhile to adjust and then maybe in a few weeks decrease it again.  I like that idea more than resting a lot right now.  I don't want to rest right now.   I'm sorry, but I don't.

(Title: Lyrics to "Seven Years" by Saosin)

"You fall apart, and then you stop"

SAOSIN!

 

We were so close!

 

Cove (vocal) and Chris (bass)

 

Justin (guitar), Cove, Chris

I didn't get a good picture of the drummer, Alex. And their other guitarist, Beau, wasn't there.  They never did answer why (although many fans yelled that question out to them)

(Title: Lyrics to "Changing" by Saosin)