down for the count

I'm so exhausted today.  My head is one giant cloud of fog.  My neurologist gave me a free sample of a different narcolepsy medication to take in the morning.  all it is is the active ingredient from the one I'm already taking.  So I took it this morning and had 3 cups of coffee and I"m still completely exhausted.  I guess it isn't fair to say the nuvigil isn't working since I've been more exhausted than normal lately so it has more to fight against.  But I feel like I could fall asleep right now which is kind of defeating the purpose of it.  But emotional stress can be really draining, especially for me, so I'll give it time.

Except I don't have a lot of time because I have an exam Monday and I've barely studied for it. I've been trying off and on all day and I'm getting nowhere.  I'm so tired I can't think hard enough to make sense of anything I'm reading.  Jayme's coming over tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to concentrate by tomorrow.  But who knows.

I hate asking for more time for exams.  I always feel so weird and guilty and weak.  Like professors will think less of me.  But my professors know me well enough by now to know I'm not asking for more time simply because I've been too lazy to study.  I hope so, anyway.  I emailed them this morning... but I haven't heard back from either one of them and it's already 4pm on a Friday... so I"m getting nervous that they aren't going to get the email until Monday morning and I won't know either way until then...

I was hoping to catch you yesterday when I stopped by campus but I couldn't find either of you.  I wanted to keep you updated.  I had another appointment with my neurologist yesterday with more upsetting news and with more tests and follow ups scheduled.  These last few weeks have been physically and emotionally draining, and it's taking a lot of effort to just keep myself from completely falling apart.  With all of these things hitting one right after the other, I'm finding it really difficult to be able to concentrate.  I'm doing the best I can to be prepared for the exam on Monday but, under the circumstances, I was wondering if I could have a plan B and have the option to take the exam on Wednesday, if absolutely necessary.
-Andi

I hope they email me soon.  I need some sort of reassurance I'll be okay.

"as it all comes crashing down"

The last two days have been so draining.  Not to mention this whole week, this whole month.  I'm so exhausted.

Yesterday I found out my ANA titer has doubled again and is now 640.  And yet, the stupid rheumatologist was like "oh, that's not a big deal".  Like hell it is.  But all of the other tests were negative.  And my clinical symptoms aren't severe enough to categorize me into any diagnosis.  which is fine- it's not like I wanted to have lupus or anything- but honestly i just want an answer.  But then she asked how much motrin or other NSAID I was taking per day and i said up to 9 motrin- since that's the max amount i could have when i fractured my bones.  She said with my pain i could take up to 12 a day as needed.
Okay, so... my symptoms aren't bad enough for you but I can take more motrin than i could take when i had a broken bone?  Um... okay.
So I left completely defeated.  I went to TA lab and i sat there doing absolutely nothing.  I left to go talk to Jayme and Nathan when they called me back.  otherwise, i sat there in a daze, trying not to cry.  I did direct a couple of students to which red bucket had bleach water for their slides.  Um, that's about it.


So then this morning, I went into my neurology appointment, ready for it to be the last time I was going to see Dr V.  I knew he was about to give up on me since last time he said he was out of ideas.  But... when I told him about my ANA levels and how they've increased even within the last two weeks his mind went into full gear again.  He knows my sleep disorder is definitely something wrong with how my sleep cycles in the night.  Something within my brain is disrupting the sleep cycle and keeping me in stage 2 for pretty much the whole night.  He asked if I've ever had an MRI of my head- I said no.  So he wants me to get one to look for pockets of inflammation within my brain.
He also doesn't think that I'm lucky enough to have all of these rare illnesses all separately ("that's like one person getting struck by lightning 4 times).  He agrees that this has to be one thing going on and he thinks that the ANA level is what's going to bring it all together.  ANA can be an indication of inflammation- and obviously even though I'm having muscle and joint pain, it's not manifesting itself much in my joints because, while they hurt and are stiff, they aren't inflamed.  So... he's wondering if the inflammation is actually within my brain.  He said, "this could be causing the sleep problems, pain, and SVT (my heart issue), and possibly even the bipolar disorder". 
He said a lot of times when this happens, the patients are obviously sick but never quite enough for a diagnosis.  He said it's what they call a "lupus-like syndrome".  It's autoimmune but doesn't manifest like what would typically be seen.

I had originally asked him for ideas of where to go next.  He said there's a guy in a hospital in detroit that has a lot of experience with sleep disorders i could go to, but that it take a while to get into him.  But he said there's a doctor within the neurological clinic Dr V works in that trained under that doctor and would be good to get a second opinion with.
So I see her on the 8th and get the MRI on the 10th.  I need to schedule a follow up with Dr V but the lady at the front desk didn't seem that was necessary... even though the MRI is after I'm seeing anyone and I need to know those results... plus, Dr V books up really quickly... so I think I'm going to call the office tomorrow and try to get something in as soon as possible.

I'm scared to hope.  But maybe this is it.  But again, how many times have I said this?
I sat in my car after the appointment and just cried.  But at least today I wasn't crying because I felt defeated... I was crying because I was overwhelmed and that appointment was nothing like I had expected or prepared for.

The stupid rheumatologist on Wednesday was horrible.  I refuse to go back to her.
Dr V has another rheumatologist he's going to recommend if in fact there is inflammation in my brain.
I said, "Please no more Beaumont doctors.  Beaumont doctors suck".  He laughed and promised me the other doctor was through St Johns.  I said, "Good.  I hate Beaumont.  Their doctors are all idiots".  He got a good chuckle out of that (he's a St Johns doctor).

so... basically now I"m stressing out because I haven't studied at all or started my papers or my presentations.
I have a killer exam on Monday that I haven't even looked at yet.  And I missed two of the lectures because of panic attacks and I was hoping to see the professor today when I stopped by on campus to explain this to her but she wasn't there.  I started an email to her but it sounded stupid so i didn't send it.  I'm not trying to get out of the exam on monday- i just need to know that if by chance i'm not able to do anything this weekend I have that option.

I'm so overwhelmed.

Which I feel is silly... it's not like I got "bad" news today.  I don't have lupus or RA.  I should just be happy and relieved.
But now I'm just more on edge wondering what my brain will show.
And again scared for a negative result.

If there is no inflammation in my brain- I'm giving up.  I'm throwing in the towel and stopping the search for an answer.
I can't take it anymore.


(Title: "Paper Tigers" by Thrice)

Nerves

My appt is in 30 minutes.
This might require the other half of xanax.  but maybe not until afterwards...
I keep getting the sensation of when my stomach drops and does a flip.   and perhaps a cartwheel and a backhand spring and somersaults and a whole gymnatics routine.  My insides are very talented like that.

I'm so nervous.  I don't want a negative result, I don't want a postive result, and I really don't want to have to meet yet another doctor and explain my 10 year history all over again and go through all of this all over again. 

It's way too draining.

Why is my health always beyond my grasp?

Is health too much to ask for?

Friends and support

I went with Jayme to her grandma's to sit Shiva today.  I'm really glad I went.  I met a bunch of her family and heard great stories about her grandma and got to give Jayme a few big hugs and talk with her.

We went for a walk and talked about life, death, and everything in between.  I'm so glad we have each other to talk and vent about eating disorders, bipolar disorder, anxiety and self injury with.  Because we both have awesome significant others who are fantastic at listening and supporting us through this stuff, but they don't GET IT.  They've never lived or struggled through what Jayme and I have.  She can say something and I understand exactly.  I say something and she understands exactly.  It's almost scary how much alike our minds work.
As our walk was ending she mentioned she hopes that we never end up triggering each other.  But I honestly don't think we ever will.  Neither does she.  She said "as long as we're always honest with each other, i'm sure we'll be fine".  and I dont feel like i'm in a place where i could be triggered, or get to place where i could trigger her. Plus, we're both far along in our recoveries that we're not actively engaging in ED behavior and aside from last week's brick-wall-meets-andi's-hand incident, SI hasn't been much of an issue, either.  I know it isn't for her anymore.
Besides, we never talk about specifics.  We talk in general terms- mostly about the anxiety behind things and the hell of being bipolar and medications and stupid doctors, and vent about our idiot classmates.

So yeah- I'm glad we have each other.  And I'm glad I was able to go and be there with her today.

My doctor appointment is tomorrow...  I almost picked up the results from my GP today on the way to Jayme's house- but since I'd be able to interpret the results, I didn't think it was a good time to see them....

Nathan has an appointment tomorrow morning at the VA hospital to get his heart checked out again since it's been years since it was last checked (he has a progressive heart valve condition).  I'm nervous about that, and amazed at how calm he is about the whole thing.  He's such a great example for me. He's my rock.

"Fading, all these lights just turn to grey"

I have to be honest- mentally I am not doing okay.

I was laying in bed last night and I was trying to figure out how I was feeling, and all I kept imagining was a really strong wind. You know the wind that is going so hard that it's difficult to even stand up straight, letalone walk forward?  I feel like I am up against that wind.  And if at any moment I relax, the wind will knock me over and carry me away. 
And then I couldn't figure out which situation I was feeling.  Both, it seems.  I feel like I'm standing still with the world rushing past me.  And all my efforts to move forward or get anywhere are in vain. 
Othertimes I feel like I'm just going with the flow, mindlessly getting through my days.

My days are so unproductive.  I'm barely studying.  I'm barely making it into work.  I'm barely getting anything done around the house. I haven't wanted to be around people.  I've been unable to exercise more days than not (yesterday and today were two more rest days, and tomorrow will be one, too, because of classes and my doctor appointment...).
I'm not sleeping well.  I'm completely exhausted.  Whatever illness I have is flairing up and I can tell my body is crashing.  I just don't feel well. 

My eating is unbalanced.  I've stopped tracking it because I can't put forth the effort.  I've been eating weird combinations, and weird things to make up a "meal".  I'm probably eating over my range, but I don't have it in me to check.  I just dont' even care.  I do care, though.  That's the problem.  I do care, so it's driving me crazy that I don't have the energy to do anything about it.  But I can tell I stopped losing weight- not surprisingly- but I'm not okay with that.  I don't to be stuck where I'm at.  And I know my body can't handle not eating.  Or even eating less.  My body is already so... weak... from battling my illnesses that it doesn't have the strength to handle being punished by me.  So that can't even be an option.  Which I guess is a good thing, but it still sucks.

I feel stuck.  and unbalanced.

I don't know what is fueling this.  I had been doing so well.  Is this the aftermath of my week full of multiple panic attacks?  Did it mess with the bipolar?  Did the xanax change something?  I haven't been taking it much- it's been a few days.  but I don't know. 
Is it my doctor appt tomorrow and my fear of getting the results back? 
Is it my lack of interest in this semester and subsequent excitement to graduate in 5 weeks and be done with my stupid university?
Is it the stress of the wedding?  Even though I'm not necessarily stressed about the wedding itself... more just the fact I have to be an adult and do adult things.  That scares me. I know it does.

So I don't know.  I'm just numb.
And I can't lean on Jayme right now, and Nathan is busy with his course load and work schedule.
Maybe I should have more than two friends?  Eh, I have other friends, just no one else I'm close with.

Nathan is going to the VA hospital tomorrow to get his heart checked out.  He has a heart condition- that's why he got out of the Navy.  And he hasn't been checked out since he left.  So tomorrow we both get important news.  Eventually he may require heart surgery which scares me so much... I can't even think about it.

I feel like I'm all over the place.  But at the same time, I'm not moving anywhere.  I'm standing in the wind, struggling just to keep upright, and the world is rushing past me, without me. 
And I feel completely powerless.




(Title: Lyrics to"Changing" by Saosin)

"Thank you for ending her pain"

Talked to Jayme finally today.  She says everything seems really surreal and that she's sort of checked out like she normally does in this type of situation.  She wanted to keep talking but she had to go sit Shiva, and then I asked her what that was like and she explained it and then said I was welcomed to come.  I want to go tonight, especially since I'm already half way there (from my house) but I have class tonight.  I could easily not TA (since that's been the trend lately...), but I skipped ethics last week because of the panic attacks so I really can't again this week.  I told her I'd be there tomorrow.  She seemed happy to hear that.  I was just happy to know I was welcomed.  I told her how my dad said that typically Jewish tradition only allows family to be involved in the funeral and Shiva and stuff and she said no, that anyone is welcomed.  So I'm glad I can be there for her in that way, too.  Not just in going to class to take good notes for her and getting extra power point handouts. 

I miss her.  I typically only get to see her Mondays and Wednesdays for class, anyway, which i never think is enough, but now that all of this is going on it really isn't enough.  I need to be there to give her a hug.

If only we didn't live an hour away from each other.





(Title: "supernatural" by Flyleaf)

dilemma

I don't know what to do right now.

I'm utterly exhausted.  But I wanted to workout before I went to work since I have the house to myself for the afternoon.  But I'm really tired and my calves are really achey from running two days ago without my new orthotics, and logically, I know I shouldn't workout today.  But then... what if I can't workout tomorrow?  Or Wednesday?  Then I'm skipping even more days.  And I can't skip more days. 

Why can't I?

I don't know.  Because then it wouldn't be enough.  Because then I would feel obligated to overdo it on the other days to "make up" for today.  So I want to workout today "just in case" i can't workout Monday and/or Wednesday.  Because I'm going to regret taking today off later. Because I hate my body.  Because I'm not used to treating it well and resting when it needs it.  Because my anxiety is really high and I need some sort of release, and what other release, besides cutting, is there? 

I'm sitting here in my workout clothes debating what to do.
This is pathetic. 
But right now, I feel too tired to even go to work.  Letalone workout before going to work.

I don't want to be alone today.
But Nathan can't come over later like he usually does on Sundays.
and my parents are babysitting my nieces.  I could go over there, but I don't feel up to that, either.

I feel like I'm nothing.
I feel nonexistant.
I feel incapable of doing anything.
But really, I don't feel much at all.

gone

jayme called me tonight.  i missed the call.
she left a voicemail.  her grandma died this afternoon.
i've never heard jayme cry before. 
i called her back but she didn't pick up.
i want to be there with her. 
i've never heard her cry.

"Shout for shout's sake"

I don't know how it's Saturday night already. 

I haven't been very productive lately.  I have no ambition.  Actually, I do.  I just don't feel I have it in me to follow through with anything.

Yesterday was in the mid-60s and sunny.  I wore shorts and a tanktop and went for a run.  A short run, but still.  I ran outside!  Today was 30 degrees with snow flurries... so that sucked.  But at least yesterday was nice.

 Jayme's grandma has leukemia (CMML) and has been getting sicker and sicker.  On Thursday night Jayme called me to tell me that she entered into hospice care.  Her grandma had wanted to do hospice at home but the doctor said she had so little time left it wouldn't have been worth it.  She called me this morning to tell me she was on her way to the hospital again because they got the call saying it was only a matter of hours.  I've been praying for her, for her grandma, for her whole family.  I know that's the best thing I could do for them, but it never seems like enough.  Jayme said not to expect a call from her tonight, but maybe by tomorrow. 
My heart is breaking over a woman I've never met... my best friend's grandma. 
At least now it will be over and Jayme and her family can grieve and move on.  They've been in limbo for so long that it has really taken a toll on everyone.


Mom wants to play Myst tonight (exploring mystery puzzle computer game).  She's been bugging me about it for awhile.  We started it awhile ago and I haven't been home or had the time to sit down and get further into it.

I don't want to play it tonight.  I just want to stay in my room and be alone.  The thought of leaving my room sent me in a tizzy and I took half a xanax just to be safe. 
This can't be normal.

 I hurt all over today.  legs, back, feet, head, muscles, bones, nerves.

and my mind. 

i just want to hide away and make today go away.
but i won't be living here much longer, so i feel guilty not playing the game with mom.
i just don't feel up to it and don't know how to tell her that with her getting all worked up that something is wrong with me right now.

I feel like crying.  and cutting.  but mostly just crying.
i dont know why.  i just do.



(Title: lyrics to "Lost symphonies" by Saosin)

"Only surrender will help you now."

Two days of no panic attacks....
I took half a xanax yesterday before mom and I went to nathan's sister's house (dress fitting and hair trials for the wedding).  Half of one worked well.  I wasn't really tired but I didn't get panicky.  So why did I take a full one today during lab?  I got SO tired.  I zoned out in pathology, then crashed on the couch in the computer lab afterwards.  I called Nathan to say hi and he said I was slurring my speech.  well then i thought that was hilarious and got all giggly and kept laughing.  i hung up with him and then my friends rachael and tony were in the lab, too, and they kept on me about being a druggy, and i was able to completely turn that around on tony (long story), and the 3 of us kept cracking each other up, but i seriously was so giggly!  I had to go to lab so i got away from rachael and tony for an hour until they came in at 4 because they're in the second lab. That was interesting.

I talked with Dr R during lab and she had a lot of good points about tests my doctor SHOULD have ordered and didn't.  It made a lot of sense.  I and I've been going through my old medical records like crazy lately looking for clues- now that i understand what i'm actually reading.  I'm losing so much faith in doctors and the way medical schools are teaching.  It's awful.

anyway, i found out a lot by going through these old records that i feel like the doctors really downplayed and shouldn't.
I told dr R how my ANA titer used to be 640 when I was 14, and only just now realized because i read it in a report between two doctors.  It was briefly mentioned and it was it.  It was something along the lines of "her symptoms don't match and she's too young".  So I mentioned this to Dr R, how my ANA was 640 but how they said was too young to be sick and she got really upset.  She said "ANYONE with an ANA titer of 640 has SOMETHING going on.  It doesn't matter what the age- they should have followed up on that."
I had brought this up because I was curious why it would go from 640 to 160 to 320 in the course of 9 years.  She wasn't sure but we got disrupted by students asking questions--- which is fine since that's the point of helping in a lab--- not to sit around and talk about my own medical history with my professor.  I think tomorrow I"m going to talk to her about it again and ask her what I should ask the rheumatologist next week so i know what's going on.  She explained a lot about my thyroid to me, too, today. how my doctor was an idiot for not ordering a total T4 level and only the free T4 (i'm not going to get into the physiology of this, don't worry).

So yeah, I came home tonight and mom asked how my day was and i started explaining all of this stuff to her.  I asked "did you realize my ANA titer used to be 640???"  and explained to her all of this stuff i found and researched and talked to Dr R about.  My mom turned it around and was like, "i'm sorry I didn't push more about that or know more or do more, or yaddy yaddy yaddy".  I wanted to tell her to SHUT UP! 
I told her I wasn't blaming her for anything and that it wasn't her fault the doctors never came out and told us anything.  Then i bitched about doctors being complete idiots because med school should be way longer than 4 years because there is way too much to learn and you can't do that in 4 years.  but she still was all mopey and feeling sorry for herself because she didn't do more or catch any of that was going on 9 years ago.
But seriously- the doctors sucked, she was stressed because her youngest daughter was sick and no one would believe us, and the doctors didn't come out and give us this report-- i had to read a letter from a doctor to another doctor to catch the first ANA level.  so it's not like my mom wouldn't have actually known because i don't remember them mentioning it, either.

oh, she also asked if i took xanax today and i said yes and she seemed upset by that.  but why???? it avoided a panic attack, so why is she all upset.  UGH!!!!

anyway.  it's annoying.

i have more to talk about but it has to wait for tomorrow because the 2nd xanax is definitely kicking in...


(title: lyrics to "again" by flyleaf)

"It's been this way for as long as I remember "

After Nathan's class last night we went back to his house.  I half-way studied molecular pathology while he studied.  Actually, I laid on the couch and went back and forth between sleeping and awake.  But my binder was open to yesteday's lecture.  So that counts, right?

We cuddled for a little while before I left.  I felt safe.
When I got home I decided to take a xanax.  Not because I necessarily felt panicky- I just wanted to know how it made me feel for future reference.  My dr had recommended that for the ativan, too.  But ativan doesn't do much for me.
Jayme was right- it does work subtly.  But it does work.  There is no 'BAM- I feel drugged up all of a sudden' feeling with it.  Just gradually i felt really really relaxed.  I was talking to Nathan online and I told him that I felt physically unable to even have a panic attack.  I felt unable to be tense.  It was the first time in 6 days I had felt that way.  It made me REALLY tired.  But I think it did only because I was already pretty tired.  Funny how panic does that to you.  So I don't know if it will always make me that tired, I think it just let me relax enough to actually sleep.  Which was absolutely wonderful.  I've been very much sleep deprived lately.

I feel better just knowing that I have something to help me avoid future attacks.

I went to work today and my boss measured my feet for orthotics.  Him and phil were talking about how it's supposed to get into the 60s tomorrow and Thursday and I said, "oh! perfect running weather!"  Don (boss) just looked at me sternly and said "Andi... ".  I laughed.  Everyone at work knows I jump into the running way faster than I should.  I've gotten lectured countless times on starting out slowly with intervals and increasing the time/distance very slowly.  I always nod and say, "yes, i know", and then ignore their advice.  Well- I do intervals when I run, they're just longer intervals than they suggest and more of them...
So again, as I was putting my shoes back on, Don said "Okay, now when you get the orthotics next week, I don't want you to jump right into the running."  I grinned.  he continued, "remember to start off slowly and adjust to running with orthotics and do the interval running."  I said, "i know, i know".  in the back of my mind i was thinking "yeah, right".  I'll be good for about week and then I'm sure i'll run a lot more than I "should".  but really- I've had 5 physical therapists and my sports doctor all lecture me multiple times on the best way to ease into running again.  Do I not think that they have the experience and knowledge to know what they're talking about?  I just don't want to believe them.  What they tell me makes sense.  But when I start running and am feelign really good, I hate stopping to walk.  Walking is boring.  Walking is not running.  Walking breaks the rhythm.  Walking gets me out of the 'zone'... or prevents me from even getting into the zone.

I'll try to be good.  But I'm not making any promises yet.
Running lets me run away from all of my problems.  I leave them behind me and I run away.



(Title: lyrics to "uphill battle" by Saosin)

"Still pulses race and scream"

so this morning i was sitting in molecular diagnostics, trying to pay attention to this horrible teacher.  when all of a sudden, i couldn't breathe again, started shaking, the whole deal.  i thought 'shit, not again'.  then i felt trapped in the room, so that wasn't helping.  then i decided i didn't care if i got up and i put my head down and walked as quickly out of the room as possible.  i ran down the hallway and hid in the stairwell again.  i sat there paralyzed for what i found out later to be 45 minutes.  i luckily forced myself to get up just in time to get to the next class right before it started- jayme had grabbed my stuff for me.  so i took it and told her i had to go.  I knew she knew what had happened, plus she (and a few others) saw blood all over my hands from my knuckles.  I was shaking so badly i could barely hold onto the handouts they were trying to give me as i also picked up my backpack, coat and water bottle.  i kept dropping everything.  i managed to bolt out of that room, called Nathan and he said i could come over.  so I found dr R to tell her that yet again, i probably wouldn't TA lab today.  I was shaking like crazy when i was talking to her.  i couldn't even stand still.  i felt like i was crawling out of my skin.  she asked "what's going on?  did they change your medication?" i said no.  she said i should try eating some chocolate.  that broke the tension.  she said it was fine i wasn't there.  she said to go home and rest.  and that she hopes this doesn't continue much longer.

i drove to nathan's and went down to his room and laid in his bed for 3 hours pretty much motionless as he studied in the den.  he'd come in periodically to see how i was.  i just laid there.  i had to pee, but i didn't care.  my stomach was growling, but i didn't care.  i just laid there.  i couldn't do anything.  i felt unable to move.

after 3 hours i went upstairs and ate some of my lunch as nathan had his.  i called my psychiatrist and she called in xanax for me... I guess that's good... ?  i half-studied for awhile as nathan continued to study.  i've decided to skip ethics tonight since it's 3.5 hours and goes until 10pm... i don't feel up to that.  so i came to campus with him since he has stats from 530- 715.  it at least gets me out of his house and in public again.  even though i don't necessarily want to be.  i might go to my ethics class just to talk to the teacher, halfway explain why i can't stay and hopefully get my exam back.  or i might just email her and wait a week.  i still haven't decided- i have an hour before i'd have to walk there.
i don't know what i'm going to do until then.  i guess study.  but i'm too numb.  i'm too tired.
i still haven't even taken the diagnostics midterm.  i feel bad that i still haven't taken it.  i had the intentions of taking it today.  i honestly did.  and then this damn panic keeps hitting me.  at least once a day since Tuesday.   6 days of this damn panic attacks.  i can't take it.  i'm going crazy.
on the way back to his house, we're going to stop at the CVS he works at and pick up the xanax, hopefully this will help.

(Title: lyrics to "The End" by Greenwheel)

" Now you've found love, it's shining through"

I've had an epiphany about how it truly does not matter what size I am and how much I weight.

Last night I mentioned to Nathan how I decided to give my "anorexic pants" to my older sister, who is somehow naturally very thin.  At first I never wanted to give her my old pants because I didn't want to see her wearing them and get upset that they didn't fit me anymore.  But then I was cleaning my closet a couple of weeks ago, throwing stuff out and making a donation pile.  I wanted to go through everything and ask myself "do I want to take then when I move out?"  and if I wouldn't take it with me, I threw it out or put it in the donate pile.

I tried on a lot of my old clothes.  Some of my old shirts are short!  I don't understand how they shrunk length wise.  Did I grow a couple of inches?  All of the short shirts went into the donate pile.  The other shirts I had to decide- Do they currently fit, do they have the potential to fit again, will they most likely never fit again, or do I even like the style anymore?  I actually felt okay by all of this.  Some old shirts fit again (they probably would have "fit" before but I don't like tight shirts so I had put them away in favor of sweatshirts).  I felt calm knowing that I've finally lost weight in a healthy way, and so these other shirts DO have the potential to fit.  I made a deal with myself.  When I get to my "goal weight" (actually, goal size- since I weigh more than I used to before my really bad relapse due to muscle-- so my goal is actually my pre-really-bad-relapse size, and Lisa is okay with this) if they don't fit then, I will donate them and not even flirt with idea of making them be able to fit again..
It was that day I decided to offer my old pants to my sister.  I emailed her and explained how I felt ready and okay about this and that she was welcome to try them on and have them.  She said she'd do that, and asked me if I was really sure about this.  I told her I was.

So last night I told Nathan I decided to give her the pants.  He knew before how I really didn't want to see her in them.  So he was surprised I offered them to her.  But I told him I was at peace about it.  That my body was finally responding to my efforts and starting to get smaller, so I finally have hope and feel better about the potential to get smaller.  I told him I know I'll most likely never get back to that size- in a healthy way- and how I know I can't go back to that size in an unhealthy way.  He asked how much my body had responded and I said "well, I've already lost 15 pounds".  He looked shocked and asked "since when?" I said "my birthday (early september), but 10 since January.  He asked, "does it make a bad fiance since I never even noticed?  you've always looked perfect to me".  I told him it was fine he didn't.  I mentioned how the pants I was wearing used to not fit, along with the jeans I was wearing the day before.  he said, "I have noticed a gradual shift of new (old) clothes, I just didn't put it together".

You know- I'm glad he didn't notice.  Because it's further proof that my size does not matter.  Especially to him.  And he's all I care about.  I am loved no matter what size I am.

I still have my goal in mind.  And I know I'm almost there.
He asked me once, "when you get to your "goal", are you sure it will be enough?  are you going to want to keep going and not stop there?"
And I told him no.  That I feel okay to stop there.  That I don't need to look like a pre-teen with zero curves, or be extra bony (which he was happy to hear because he likes my curves-- which used to freak me out, but now I'm okay with it).  I told him that I like feeling strong, and having muscle. I can't be that way if I let myself get sick again.

I love Nathan.  He makes me feel so comfortable.  Even at the beginning when we just started hanging out.  I'd go to his house, or he'd come to mine, and all of a sudden, when we walked through the door, all of my insecurities went away.  I forgot that i was having a "fat day".  It all left my mind and I felt so comfortable and happy to just be around him. 
He reassures me there's no need to lose weight, but he understands if I still think there is.  Just as long as I don't keep going once I get to the size that Lisa and I both agreed on, he's okay with whatever I decide to do.  But that he thinks I'm weird for thinking I need to change.  Maybe it's not so much a "need" as a "want".
I feel like if I can get back to my pre-relapse weight/size, then it'll be like I've come around full circle.  I lost the weight, I gained it and then some, and then if I can finally just go back to where I was, I can stop being reminded of it, and I can move on.


(title: lyrics to "come close" by Saosin)

"Believe the sound when the truth will send you falling"

I'm not really sure how I"m doing.  I feel more traumatized than I should be.  But how much of how I'm handling things can I control?  Nathan and I ran errands today.  We took my car but I made him drive.  We had to take the same road that I was forced off of and I can't handle driving on it right now.  I was shaking the whole time we were on it.  We were doing wedding stuff today and going out to dinner and Nathan kept commenting that I wasn't even trying to pretend to be happy.  I don't think he realized how much it was bothering me, which I didn't blame him for- I didn't let him know.  When we had finished one of our errands and were on our way to grab some dinner before we finished the other one I curled up in a ball in the seat.  Nathan asked what was wrong and I said I wasn't feel right.  That I couldn't explain it but I was just upset and really anxious.  I was shaking really badly when we sat down for dinner.  I wasn't hungry but I made myself eat.  He mentioned how he agrees with my mom that I need to ask my psychiatrist for something for the anxiety.  I told him I didn't want to be that patient that goes in and says "i'm anxious, give me drugs".  But he reassured me that's not how it would be.  That all I needed to ask for is a few of them for when it gets bad, not a 30 day supply.  He said "Andi, you've been having multiple panic attacks and you've been really anxious all week.  You're not doing well, and asking for help is not a drug seeking behavior".
I finally agreed with him.  Especially because I can't keep turning to self-injury to calm me down.  He looked at my knuckles and frowned.  I never told him about my thigh...

I still can't help feel that I'm overreacting.  My therapist on Thursday tried reassuring me that I wasn't.  And that the fear and stress and anxiety can last for awhile.  Plus I won't know about my lab results until the 24th so I won't have any closure with that for a couple of weeks. 
Plus, it doesn't help that my emotions and reactions to things are amplified.  And that stress can spark a change in the bipolar, which it clearly did. 
I asked Nathan "how can I be numb, yet anxious at the same time".  He said "you're talented."

ok. enough stalling.  i need to go to bed.

(title: lyrics to "Collapse" by saosin)

"You keep yourself so tightly wound, it's about time you break"

I got up around 6:30 this morning to study a little bit before the midterm.  I felt okay about it.  I was slightly too numb and overwhelmed to care.  I mean- after yesterday I have bigger things to worry about than a stupid midterm.  I drove to campus with Saosin blaring to drown out my thoughts.  As I was walking into the building I started shaking and was having trouble breathing.  I knew I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack, but I kept telling myself it wasn't true and that I would be fine, and that this feeling wasn't really the beginning of a panic attack, even though I knew full well that it was.  By the time I got to the classroom I was uncontrollably shaking.  I put my backpack down and sat next to Jayme and she asked how I was.  Without even looking at her, I said "I'm about to have a panic attack".  She grabbed my arm and pulled me into the hallway and I just lost it.  Right there in the hallway in front of who knows who.  Probably PT students we don't know- whatever.  But yeah.  She kept trying to calm me down, asked if I wanted a xanax since she has plenty (lol) but I said I never have taken that and i didn't want to risk it.  Our prof went to see where we were and saw me on the floor.  She asked if I was okay and Jayme said I was having a panic attack and my prof asked me if it was due to the midterm or if it was something else.  I said something else and she put her hand on my knee and commented on how badly I was shaking.  She said I could take the exam later when I calmed down.  I called Nathan but could only talk to him for a few minutes because he had to leave for work.

A little while later i went into our profs' offices (they're conjoined) to tell Dr R that I couldn't TA today because "I'm not doing too well".  She said "yeah, I heard through the grape-vine".   I just kind of stood there zoned out for a second so then I figured i should probably offer some sort of explanation.  So I did and dr R said "yeah, that's a bit traumatic" and then i said "yeah, and now i keep going between feeling utterly numb to uncontrollably shaking and crying".  I asked when I needed to take the midterm by and she said not to worry about that and that they'll figure it out later, that i should just go home and take it easy.  but i told her about the presentation i have to give tonight.  i planned on skipping molecular pathology lecture- dr R basically told me to- but then after talking to Jayme i decided i needed the distraction.  plus i didn't want to drive the 30 minutes back home, only to have to explain to my parents why i came home, and then have to drive 30 minutes back to give that stupid presentation.  So i'm here. hanging out.  completely numb.  I rubbed my knuckles against the brick walls so they're all bloody now.  i dont' have anything sharp so i had to make due.  Dr R asked if what happened to my hand was from the accident.  i laughed and said "no.  i did that.  i needed a distraction to calm down".  she already knows i'm bipolar, so i'm pretty sure she understood that and understood why i was so susceptible to the panic.  my emotions just get heightened... everything is more extreme than it should be. 

i'm glad we know our professors so well, and that they know us.  if i had been in a huge lecture hall, the prof wouldn't have known me and wouldn't know my history and would have made me take it.

I'm so tired. I barely slept last night and then got up early to study.  i'm afraid of more caffeine because i dont' want any other cause of shakiness.  I've barely eaten today but i'm just not hungry.  and when i do start feeling hungry, i'm too numb to care.  i barely ate yesterday, either.  and not even for an eating disordered reason.  i'm just simply too numb to feel hunger.  or to care if i do.
Im in this constant state of detachment.  Until of course, I think about things to much and start crying.

Jayme and I still haven't even gone through our presentation together to figure out if it's long enough.  she wants to do that at the gym after she gets out of mycology lecture- but even though i have my gym stuff with me, there's no way i can go.  1, i'm way too tired.  2, i dont want to raise my heart-rate because it reminds me of panic attacks which tends to lead to another one. 3, I've barely eaten for 2 days and so i don't think my body would appreciate it, and 4, i need to just sit down and focus on it and not have a lot of other things going on.

i wish nathan wasn't working today.  he usually doesn't work Wednesdays.  I could have just gone to his house which is a shorter drive than my house and hung out with him all day.  I though about just going there and hanging out in his room by  myself but i dont even think his parents are home today so i wouldn't be able to get in.  i'm stuck here for another 5 hours with no good place to go.  TAing usually takes up at least 3 hours, but i'm in no way able to do that today.

the good thing is, is that maybe i'll be so numb when we give our presentation that i won't even have teh chance to be nervous.
on the flip side- feeling anxious might set off a bad series of events that will cause me to run out of the room.

either way, i can't wait for today to be over so i can go home and do nothing.
or i'll go to nathan's and sit there quietly with him as he studies.  just so that i'm not alone.


(title: lyrics to "keep secrets" by Saosin)

"The floodgates are breaking and pouring out"

Today was one of the worst days in my life. 

Started out by going to the doctor for my thyroid and ANA (anti nuclear antibody) test results.  Thyroid is still low, even though I increased my thyroid dose.  That's annoying.  But then he told me my ANA titer.  It's doubled since the last time he tested it.  doubled.  and now it's "speckled" which is bad.

ANA should be negative.  It's indicative of lupus and other autoimmune disorders.  When I was 15 I tested positive for it, but the doctor was like "oh, you don't have lupus, dont' worry about it".  I was 15.  What did I know?  So then they tested it again a few years back and I had a titer of 160.  Now, if it's positive, you want it <40.  My neurologist requested that I get the level checked again (since I think narcolepsy is auto-immune), and now it's up to 320.  And now it's speckled.  My GP today said that if it's speckled it means that it's turning into something.  And my increasing titer and speckled positive indicates some sort of connective tissue disease.  He said "obviously, at the most extreme end is lupus.  I don't think you're there at this point, but I don't know where you are and where your headed."   So he drew more blood and ordered a rheumatoid panel, and referred me to see a rheumatologist.  He also mentioned an aggressive preventative treatment by using "disease modifying drugs".  He mentioned methotrexate.  I'm not stupid.  I know what that is.  I said "you have to be kidding me".  He said "well, it's a chemotherapy drug so I obviously don't want to start it now, especially without pinpointing what is going on first."  Gee, thanks.  I'm glad we at least agree on that one.

so then I was on my way home, and i was trying to merge onto the freeway, only people seemingly are unable to merge and to avoid hitting 2 cars, I had to serve, lost control and spun out, went across the median, ended up in the oncoming traffic with a semi truck headed right at me, i somehow managed to get my car back into the median before it hit me.  i proceeded to call my mom and have a panic attack.  got my car started (it took it awhile to restart). managed to drive across the median again without getting stuck (it's really muddy now that the snow has melted), and get home.  by the time i got home i had finally stopped crying.  i pulled in my driveway and my dad was working outside he said "good morning!"  i said " it is NOT  good morning" and burst into tears again.  My poor dad! lol.  

i cried and shook for a few hours after that.  then Jayme came over to study for our molecular diagnostics midterm that's tomorrow morning.  it was hard to focus, but at least it was a distraction.  but as soon as she left i started crying again and havent' really stopped since then.

today was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  I swear it was my guardian angel that saved me.  I honestly don't know what happened.  I don't know how i avoided those two cars  and i don't know how i got out of the semi's way in time.  I just don't even know. My car is fine- aside from having really muddy tires now.  the alignment might be out- it was kind of shaky driving home (but i was shaky, too). it could have been just the mud in the tires.  i don't know.

But then that stupid medical shit.  I can't handle this.  I keep thinking "maybe this will be the answer i've been searching for for 9 years"  but do you know how many times i've thought that?  and it still isn't true.  and i really hope one of the blood tests comes up positive.  because i want an answer to this whole mystery.  but then-- i dont want to the answer that a rheumatologist is going to give me.  But i don't want a negative test result, either, because that's just another door that gets slammed in my face.
I don't know which is worse.  but seriously, at this point, i can't handle it either way.

and i don't want to take the molecular diagnostics midterm tomorrow.
i've given up studying any more today.  i guess i'll get up early and hopefully will feel a little more hopeful.  i doubt it.  but maybe.


(Title: Lyrics to "Again" by Flyleaf (not Saosin... shocker!))

"My thoughts exploding in thousands of pieces"

Went to my sports doctor yesterday.  He said I don't need to completely stop exercise while I let the IT band inflammation calm down.  He said spinning is fine, though.  So that's good.  And he said I'm already doing everything right.  He noticed the bruises i have on my legs from rolling on the foam roller so much.  He said "yeah, maybe you should lay off of that for awhile".  Haha.  But yeah, about the exercise he just said no running for a while- at least until I get the custom orthotics- and he said "you're smart enough to know what movements use what muscles.  and you know when something doesn't feel right.  So with trial and error see what you can handle and rest when you need to, and keep up with the ice and motrin".  So as long as it isn't in pain and what I"m doing isn't aggravating it, I'm good to go.  My hip has felt okay the last couple of days.  I went spinning Thursday night and it felt fine.  And he thinks the orthotics will help my hip a lot, too.
That was comforting.

I went to Jayme's today and we studied molecular pathology from 11:30am-830pm.  We took about an hour long break to eat dinner and watch an episode of House, but even as we did that we worked on our thalassemia presentation.

Our current facebook statuses:

"G72/30, BDNF, MAOA, COMT, PIPK2A, 5HTT, CD14, IL10, CCL5, IL13, MYOC, OPTN, CYTP1B1, WDR36, RHO, RDS, ROM1, RP1, PRPF31 ,PDE6A, PDE6B,  RPE65, RPGR, RP2, CFTR, ATP7B, His1069Gln, Hip1, HP, Hippi, PKD1, PKD2, PKHD1, DMD, gp130, LIF, FMR1, APP, bAP, PS1, PS2, SEC, SECR, FALS, SOD1, CNTF, POAG, PACG, RP, BD, SHOX1, NOD2/CARD15, NFKB ,IBD3, DLG5, SLC22A4, SLC22A5, PDE4D, ALOX5AP, FLAP, MMP3, IL6, PC, PS, CBS, MTHFR, MS, PLP, A222V, E429A, D919G (Find the error!) "

Those are some (sadly, not even close to all (FB has a word limit for statuses)) of the genes, diseases and protein acryomns that we have to learn for Monday's test.  And it's not enough to know what they stand for, we have to know the pathogenesis of each disease, it's inheretance pattern, symptoms, risk factors, etc, for them all- and of course which gene/ mutated protein goes to which disease.  Hence we spent 8 hours on this today. (and the error is "CYTP1B1".  It should be "CYP1B1"- one of the four possible genes that can be mutated causing glaucoma (The POAG (primary open angle glaucoma) type)). 

So that exam is Monday morning.  I have the medical law and ethics exam Monday night (3.5 hour long essay exam. yikes).  Jayme is coming over all day Tuesday because we have molecular diagnostics exam on Wednesday morning (which is going to be ridiculously difficult and we didn't even have time to look at that today) and their our presentation is Wednesday night.
But I'm not stressed out.  Don't worry.

(Title: Lyrics to "Come Close" by Saosin)

"You'd better learn that this will not blow over"

I called Nathan tonight as I was driving home from campus and he asked how my day was and I told him about my stupid hip and vented and cried for at least 10 minutes about how I just can't handle this right now.  and that even though Lisa has strongly recommended i NOT workout until i see the sports dr, that i have to at least try tomorrow. for my sanity.  i have to just go and try. 
after 10 minutes i felt stupid and then i said "but, besides that, my day was good".
he laughed and said, "so aside from freaking out all day you were good?  that makes sense"

/deep breath/

it's taking every ounce of strength to keep it together right now.


(Title: lyrics to "It's far better to learn" by saosin)

"Don't let them know you're watching the situation crumble"

I hate my IT band.  I hate my body. It always betrays me.  Always. And no, that isn't black and white thinking- that's the damn truth.  I can provide proof of this.

If I can't workout tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed.  I already took yesterday off and have to take today off because of the pain.  I have to take Friday and Saturday off due to my schedule, and Sunday is questionable.  If I can't at least have Thursday, I'm going to fucking explode. 

I can't take this right now.  I just can't.

I'm stuck on campus until 9pm and all I want is to run, orto have a fucking razor blade with me. 
And neither are possible.

I hate this.
And I hate this semester, so I can't even escape into studying.  I hate studying this semester.
I can't handle this.  Not right now.


(Title: lyrics to "Follow and Feel" by Saosin)

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not sure"

stupid IT band syndrome is back full force.  My right hip is absolutely killing me right now.
what causes it? well, overuse, increasing running and cycling amounts (particularly too much too soon), uneven muscle strength (especially weak abductors- which i don't know if mine are strong or not), abnormal walking patterns due to a wide array of things- including twisted tibias, which I very much have.

I guess this is why my right knee was acting up a while ago.  now it moved into my hip again.  (my right tibia is the more twisted of the two)

remedies: stretching, rolling on it with a foam roller (i do this everyday with my IT bands), ice, rest, orthotics, and drugs such as motrin.

I've been doing the stretching, rolling, ice, and as much motrin as I'm allowed.  I'm getting orthotics soon (i finally made the appt with my dr and my physical therapist).  I've avoided the resting part.  Well- i did take a day off today to rest it.  But i dont plan on extending the rest any longer than a day.

i know that's stupid.  and my hip hurts.  but motrin helps.  and maybe by tomorrow it won't hurt so bad.  I aggrivated it yesterday and it's been really bad ever since.  so if i take precautions to not aggrivate it as much tomorrow, maybe it'll be okay... sure... ?

I see my sports doctor on Friday for the orthotic prescription (originally just because of my feet and calves).  i'll mention the IT band syndrome stuff- although he'll just say "yup, that's what it is".  he'll probably mention PT again, i'll decline, he'll give me the orthotics script and that will be that.  i wish i didn't have to bother going.  i wish he could just fax the script to my PT. 

the fact that i plan on running and spinning tomorrow even with my IT band obviously hating me for it right now should be a wake up call to me that I still very much have a problem with exercise.  I know I do. But... I don't care right now.  I've already decreased the amount I'm doing per week and Lisa said I can stay at this amount for awhile to adjust and then maybe in a few weeks decrease it again.  I like that idea more than resting a lot right now.  I don't want to rest right now.   I'm sorry, but I don't.

(Title: Lyrics to "Seven Years" by Saosin)

"You fall apart, and then you stop"

SAOSIN!

 

We were so close!

 

Cove (vocal) and Chris (bass)

 

Justin (guitar), Cove, Chris

I didn't get a good picture of the drummer, Alex. And their other guitarist, Beau, wasn't there.  They never did answer why (although many fans yelled that question out to them)

(Title: Lyrics to "Changing" by Saosin)

Do not disturb

Email to Lisa number 1:
I'm at xxxx calories so far this week before counting Saturday... I kind of want to run tomorrow but I know I'm supposed to decreasing every week and last week I did xxxx.  I'm kind of torn on what to do... especially because Sunday will probably be a rest day, too.

Email to Lisa number 2:
Ok, my dilemma with running has increased.  I haven't "released" any weight this week.  Last week when I lost 2 lbs i thought "ok, maybe this WILL work".  Now I'm scared again.

Email from Lisa:
You released 2 pounds last week so it’s still averaging 1 a week

You look perfect to me.

Don’t let ED keep wanting you to get scrawny.

This is a better exercise level than before I think.

Room to breathe and have a life.

 

"Room to breath and have a life".  Maybe that's what I'm scared of... ?  If I'm caught up in the ED- whether it's restricting or exercise (only exercise right now- I'm still not restricting), then I can avoid life.  I can isolate.  I only exercise alone.  I hate doing it with other people (unless it's a spinning class).  So it's my alone time.  It's the time of day I don't have to deal with people.  The more time I spend working out, the less time I have to be social.  And lately, all I've felt like doing is isolating.  I hate going to work during the week because that's when people are there.  If I go on the weekends I have the clinic to myself and not have to talk to anyone.  I haven't wanted to hang out with any friends.  I didn't see anyone over break last week (jayme was in flordia, though... i'm sure we would have hung out).   I avoid the health science computer lab because all of the MLS people are always in there.  I'm sick of most of them.  So I go to the no-talking floor of the library in between classes- or go to the gym.  I dread my TA job because I have to deal with students- and some of them drive me insane.  I'm sorry, but I"m so sick of the foreigners.  SPEAK ENGLISH.  And try to understand it.  AND STOP CHEATING!!!!!  Seriously- if you can't understand the stuff we're doing in the lab, then maybe you're not meant to be a med tech.  I know that's mean, but they don't even try half the time.  They expect people to just give them answers.  AND THEY CHEAT.  /end rant

Moral of the story- if it isn't Nathan, I don't want to be around them.  So basically, I don't want to have room to breathe and have a life.  I'm okay with isolating. 

SAOSIN!!!

Got to see my FAVORITE band tonight!!!!! What's even more awesome is that they're pretty much an underground band.  They've only had 2 songs (You're not alone and Changing) on the radio (and I never even heard them on the radio- I've only heard this from other people).  Being an underground band equals small concerts and small venues for cheap tickets.  Which means I was 3 feet from the stage!!!!!!!

Cove (the singer) was amazing tonight.  He went all out on vocals.  They were all awesome.   I've seen them 3 times (at warped tour last summer, a small venue last November and then tonight) and this was probably my favorite time so far.  Partly because this was the smallest concert, and partly because they were going all out tonight.  3 feet away!! I can't believe it.  AND they played [one of] my favorite song[s] (Some sense of security)!  I had been waiting for them to do that since they didn't the two other times we saw them.  I heard the opening chords and could barely believe it.  I looked at Nathan like "wait, really?  MY SONG???" I kind of started freaking out at that point.  It sounded great live.  I figured they wouldn't do that one or Come Close (they haven't played Come close) live because vocals would be hard on Cove's vocal chords.  But they did it!  And it was amazing.

Then at the end, right before Bury Your Head , Nathan gave me a small kiss on the cheek.  Then we looked up and Chris (bass player) was staring right at us!  He had a weird look in his eye as if to say "what, you just kissed her?"  And he kept staring at us!  We both just smiled at each other (me and Chris) and I started singing along and he smiled at us again and then got wrapped up in the song.  Ahh!  Chris noticed us!  And we were 3 feet away!!!  Too bad it wasn't Cove.  (by the way- I re-named my car Cove.  Nathan really doesn't like the name Sebastian and kept making fun of it.  So I named it Cove.  and it has good alliteration: Cove the Cobalt.  Plus, I love Cove and I love Saosin, so it works out).

I'm basically still pumped right now- which is bad because I really need to get to bed.
I took a few picture and i'll upload them tomorrow.

To anyone who reads my blog:  CHECK OUT SAOSIN!!! If you like good music and can appreciate really unique guitar and bass parts, and awesome lyrics, then you'll love them.  Also, if you hate all of the popular crap that's out right now (ie: lady gagme and britney needs to be stabbed by spears) and you're into rock, then you'll love them.  Seriously. (recommendations (aside from all of them): Come Close, Some Sense of Security, Love Maker (aka Worst of Me), Let Go Control, Bury Your Head, Sleepers, Changing, On My Own, and Collapse).  (Also: I Never Wanted To, Say Goodbye, Fireflies, Alarming Sound of a Still Small Voice, Seven Years, Lost Symphonies and Is This Real).

coming together

Mom and I went to my aunts house this afternoon and drove around and took pictures of the apartments Nathan and I liked online.  He wanted to make sure they weren't in a ghetto neighborhood and he wanted proof. haha.  A couple of them were questionable but the ones we liked were still good. 

Anyway, my aunt said "do you need any furnature?" I said yes, that we don't have much, at this point.  She said that Nicole (my cousin) is moving back to Chicago and doesn't need her dining room table, and that she (my aunt) has two couches in the basement she doesn't need.  She said we can have all of that!  She mentioned that my grandpa might even have stuff he might want to get rid of.  But I don't know- he does seem sentimental.  Anything that reminds him of grandma he has a hard time getting rid of. 

So yeah.  I'm excited.

Oh!  And I found my shoes and jewelry yesterday and tried on MY dress.  It finally came in!  It fit perfectly except for the hem.  I love it! 

everything is starting to come together.  :D

little ones

Yesterday Nathan and I were cuddling on the couch and he said, "you know, the most disappointing thing about me not starting pharmacy school this fall is that we have to wait another year to have kids".

I've thought this a lot, but I hadn't wanted to say it out loud.  To say it, made it true. 

I guess I should at least be happy that he is just as eager and excited about kids as I am.  I know of a lot of couples that disagree on this issue.  And that is a HUGE issue to disagree on.  I mean- disagreeing about The Smashing Pumpkins (gross) and the Dave Matthews Band (good) is one thing - we've just agreed to never listen to either when we're with each other, but kids is entirely different.  :oP  (is it sad that that's our biggest disagreement?  or maybe that's good)

I love when Nathan puts his hand or head on my stomach and looks at me and softly says, "there's going to be a baby in here".
I see him with his nephews, I see him with my nieces and nephew, and I can tell he's going to be a great daddy.

We'll probably have to wait until I'm 28 or 29 (and he's 30 or 31)
And seeing as I'm only 23 right now... that seems too far away.

But, we'll be together forever, and eventually God will bless us with little ones, and I find great comfort in that.

Moving out!

So, separately today, Nathan and I both decided we'd rather live in our own place and not my grandpa's empty house.  We also both started looking at the same website, looking at the same type of place for the same price range and liked a few of the same ones.

I called him and I told him I'd rather we get our own apt with my stipend money and he said "me too, i'm looking apts up right now.  I said "me too.  we should just get married or something."


I've spent the last two hours looking at apartments and condos.  And daydreaming.  I'm getting more and more excited about this.  As much as it would be nice to stay at my grandpa's for cheap, it doesn't make as much sense now that we know he won't be in grad school on the other side of the state. 
We both think that putting my stipend money towards rent is a good idea.  Then we can pretend we're just living off his income with no rent to pay.  One that we both really like is $50 less than my stipend, so that'd be perfect. 

it will be fun to go down there and check these places out!  

I'm really excited!

I hate snow

I'm so anxious about making decisions.  I was supposed to go to campus either today or tomorrow to help a professor in her lab. (we're on "spring break" this week) At first I told her Tuesday worked out.  But then I called the florist who is doing our wedding and she was open Tuesday at 12 for an appt.  So I did that,  and emailed Dr R telling her something came up on Tuesday, that I'll come in on Monday. 
I woke up to 5 inches of snow and it's still coming down.  My guess is an inch an hour, and it isn't supposed to stop until 4pm.  Mom said when she went out this morning the plows weren't even out yet.  I guess they wanted to wait until it stopped snowing?  I don't know.  Anyway, I started freaking out because I live on a dirt road which is difficult to get my car down when it's snowy and icy.  Plus, I knew the main roads were bad- mom said they were really icy.  Campus is 30 minutes away- about 20 miles.  And it's not that I don't think I can handle the snowy roads (assuming I can get to the main roads), it's that I don't trust OTHER drivers.  You'd think that living in Michigan, everyone would know how to drive in the snow.  But no, everyone freaks out and drives like idiots.  It's rather pathetic.  So I'm scared to drive anywhere today because of idiot drivers who will probably be texting while they drive (I'm anti-texting... ESPECIALLY WHEN DRIVING.  but i know of people who do this and it makes me come close to hating them).

ANYWAY.  I started freaking out to my mom, not knowing what to do because, of course, I'm indecisive as ever.  I finally came to the decision that since I don't HAVE to go in today, that she said I had the option of Monday or Tuesday, I should just in Tuesday and be safe and not drive anywhere tonight.  Sounds reasonable, I suppose.  I asked mom "am I being safe or am I being a baby and a wimp".  She gave me a look and said, "probably a wimp, but you're right, there's no sense in risking it when you don't have to."

So I emailed Dr R telling her I was declaring a personal snow day, had rearranged things tomorrow, and can be there early afternoon tomorrow instead.
I didn't rearrange anything, but the florist thing shouldn't last that long, and she did say that if the person before us gets done early, she'd call us and we can come in even earlier.  So technically, I should be able to get to campus by early afternoon.

But now I keep second guessing myself.  I keep thinking- I should have just dealt with the roads and gone in today.  Now I can't go to the spinning class later on.  True, I can work out at home, but I can't do spinning at home.  And I keep worrying that Dr R was counting on me today- even though originally I was going in on Tuesday.  I know it doesn't matter.  All she needs me for is washing out a lot of glassware in her research lab.  She said it'll only take a couple of hours.  I can do that tomorrow.

But I'm freaking out.  I hate snow.  Winter is fine, but I hate snowy, icy roads.  I hate that winter in Michigan is dangerous.  I keep turning on the news only to see images of more car crashes.  I don't want that to be me, but really- I don't want that to be anyone.  I hate snow.

So I guess I'll study all day, try to be productive.  Maybe get a workout in later.  Maybe even get my room picked up (since it's a disaster zone right now).
But I need to get over this nagging guilt I have over staying home all day.  We are going to the cake lady's house tonight to pick out a wedding cake, but I'm going to make Nathan drive since he has a jeep and can get through anything.

It's not helping that mom is making peanutbutter chicken tonight for dinner.  That's a scary food for me.  I usually avoid being home for dinner when she makes this.  But obviously I'm stuck at home and can't avoid it.

the list of positives outweighs the disappointment

So, Nathan found out tonight he didn't get into pharmacy school.  The letter said, "We didn't recieve your transcripts on time so we were unable to consider you."  THAT'S SO UNFAIR.  It's not Nathan's fault for our stupid university's lack of productivity.  I hate our university.  My program there is fantastic- best one in Michigan, but aside from that, I hate it.
He said he was really upset about it at first.  But then he started to feel okay about it.  He called me at 1 this morning and we talked for quite awhile about it.  There are a lot of positive things that come from him not getting in this year.  And like he said- just because he didn't get in this year doesn't mean he's at a dead end.  He can still apply next year, and to possibly more schools- maybe even in the Chicago area (that would be weird to move there).


Positives:
-WE DON'T HAVE TO BE APART OUR FIRST YEAR AS NEWLYWEDS!
-This is good for a lot of reasons:
-----It'll already be a huge adjustment for both of us- being married, moving out, etc.  Plus, I'll be in my internship full time, and if he's in grad school across the state, we'd have to adjust to that huge change on top of everything else-- while being apart. 
-----I'd have to work during the internship and get even more stressed out if he was gone
----I seriously question my stability if we were apart for that year.  As much as I'd like to live alone for awhile, I don't want to live alone when we're married.  And, I dont' really trust myself with the food and exercise if I was stressed, lonely and alone with no one to keep tabs on me.  I have a feeling the bipolar would go crazy, too. This had been one of my concerns.
-He can work full time as a pharmacy technician
-I can go on his insurance, and not have to take the smaller stipend from the internship so that I have insurance
-He can dedicate a lot of time into preparing for the PCAT again and maybe get a higher score.
-He'd have a better chance at getting in next year because working full time at CVS definitely shows interest and dedication to being a pharmacist- and having a better PCAT score will look better.  Plus, him being in the Navy already helps to set him apart.
- We can get a gym membership and not have to worry about affording it.  He finds exercise a big part of health. He said tonight "it's like medicine or food, it's necessary".  I had been worried about it- if we were barely making money and he was in grad school, that would be one thing that would have to go.  And, if we go there together he can make sure I don't start doing too much. ;)
- We can save up a lot, since we'll be staying at my grandpa's empty house that whole time and we wont' have school tuition to pay for.  this will make the transition to him being a full time grad student a lot easier. (although he does get a lot of help with tuition from the navy).
- I wont' have to work during my internship- i can focus on studying, and not get burned out.
-Um, have a mentioned I can live with my HUSBAND?
- I wont have to try to make as many trips across the state to see him.
- My internship and his job will be within 3 miles of where we'll be living
- I can live with him.
- We don't have to live apart
- We won't be 3 hours from each other
- I can kiss him good night
- I can kiss him good morning
- I can kiss him good afternoon


It's good to finally know one way or the other, too.  It was hard to not know how our living arrangements were going to be.  We didn't know how insurance would work out, how our jobs would work out.  We didn't know if we'd be apart.  So many unknowns.  I hate unknowns.  So as much as it's a disappointment he didn't get in- especially because him not even being considered wasn't his fault (again, i hate our school), it's good to at least know so we can finally plan our future.  And it's probably best it's working out this way.

He's such a good example to me.  He's handling this so much better than I expected him to.  On the phone tonight it was almost as if HE was comforting ME.  He got more time to think about it than I did, though.  But he said "It must have been supposed to work out this way.  It was out of my hands.  God knows what's best for us and we must not have been supposed to be apart next year.  I'll get into a school eventually.  This year just wasn't my time".

Wow. 

I can't sleep now.  my mind is racing.
At first it was just the "what-if's" that i'm so good at focusing on, but then it turned to the long list of positives we came up with.  And i keep going over them again and again.  I guess reassuring myself that this is all okay.  Because it is.  Because I know he WILL get into pharmacy school someday.  Because I'm glad we don't have to be apart.  Because I know I'll be able to get a steady job in any hospital after next year and so whatever happens, at least we'll have that.  And we'll have each other.  And we don't have to start off our marriage completely stressed out and alone.

God is good.  And He knows what's best.  He's watching out for us, I don't doubt it.
It's hard for me not to worry sometimes, but i do trust Him.

knees are gross

I ran today.  I didn't pay attention to the time intervals.  I just ran until I felt i should walk again.  I'm sick of interval training while i work back into it, but i understand why it's necessary.  But i didn't lock myself into 2 minute run 1 minute walk.  I just listened to my body.  And it felt great.

My right knee has been feeling weird lately.  The patellar tendon feels tight.  Now, I absolutely HATE knees, so to even THINK about the patellar tendon COMPLETELY grosses me out.  yuck yuck yuck!  Anyway, usually it's been a sign that my quad is too tight, so I stretch my quads for awhile and my knee feels better.  But i noticed it again today during my warm up, about half way into the run/walk, and at the end when i got off the treadmill... even after I stretched a lot.

Gross knees.  ew. 

This only concerns me because I"ve had tendonitis in my knees before.  Plus my IT band is always really tight and knotty, and the compartment syndrome in my calves and the recent tendonitis in my feet, and my twisted tibias.  There's a lot going on with my legs!  I don't need anything else. 

Maybe it is just compensating for my quads getting stronger.  That would make sense- I've been focusing on my quads a lot because they've been my weak point for as long as i can remember.  At one point i could lift more weight with my triceps than I could with my quads.  That's pathetic! 
Anyway.  It's not pain I"m feeling in my knee- just tightness and pulling.  GROSS!  worst feeling ever.
ew. 

ah, if only this blog could show how much i'm cringing right now... trust me, it's a lot.
(yes, i realize i dissect cadavers and do not get grossed out at all by that.  but i will NOT dissect a knee.  i will NOT show a student a dissected knee, and i will NOT even think about what a dissected knee looks like).


Mom wants me to go down and play Mist with her on the computer (one of those mystery puzzle games).  I told her I wanted to, but that I wasn't sure I had the time to start that game with her since those games last a while, and I'm so busy with school and hardly home.  She made a sad face, sighed and said "well, i don't start it until you decide".  Gee, thanks mom.  way to make me feel guilty for not spending time with you.  I guess i do feel bad though- i'm moving out in 3 months.  but still.  i need to study more tonight.  

dissections and nerdy friends

I got another dissecting project today.  Dr B emailed me and asked if I wanted to dissect a female pelvis.

Hm. That's a new one.

Although- I have done a hysterectomy on a cadaver before.  It was the only one I had seen that still had her uterus (92 yr old!).  We wanted to keep the uterus for other semesters to show them since we no longer had our other one.  So that was cool.

But apparently I'll be cutting a body in 3 sections (at the top of the femur and at the iliac crest aka the "hip bone") and taking the middle part?  That's what I've gathered from her description, but I'm still not completely sure.  She wants to see the iliac arteries and a few others I never had to learn.  And she wants to be able to show how the uterus fits in there with the bladder and along with the other structures.  Interesting. 


Had a fun day with Jayme today.  We watched House and picked it apart.  Finding all of the mistakes they were making and laughing at how inaccurate it is.  And then we ended up correctly diagnosing the patient long before they did.  I'm glad all of my medical training is coming in handy!
(nerdy examples: Dr: "patient has a prolonged PT".  another dr: well, what could that indicate"  Me:  "A FACTOR VII DEFICIENCY!!!... or an inhibitor... you'd need a factor assay to know!!!"  Jayme just laughed.  And then another one (or maybe the same episode, i can't remember, they all blend together afterawhile) there was an alcoholic and they at some point were bleeding uncontrollably.  both of us yelled out at the same time, "vitamin K deficiency!"- and it was- secondary to celiac's disease.  go us.)
It is cool though- how watching that show now is so different than watching it 2 or 3 years ago when I didn't know about pathophysiology.  It's fun now to laugh at it.

When i asked Jayme earlier this week if she wanted to do something i said "do you want to do something on Friday?  and by something, i mean nothing".  she said "absolutely."
so we sat and watched House and looked up random diseases on her laptop and were nerdy all afternoon.  It was amazing.
I'm glad we met last year.  She's what keeps me sane going through our program at school.

I'm lucky to have him.

Nathan ended up getting everything done early and we were able to hang out tonight.  I told him all about what's been going on.  I told him i'll probably be crabby and anxious for the next few weeks as i try to adjust to a lower amount of exercise.  He's so understanding.  He doesn't judge me or get mad or upset for me falling back into this.  He was happy that I reached out to Lisa and was willing to start cutting back.  He still claims he has no idea how I could lose weight.  He asked "where would it come from?"  And he understands that it isn't all about weight... that it's deeper than that. Seriously- he's amazing.  I couldn't ask for a more understanding, patient, and compassionate man than him.  He doesn't freak out when I mess up.  He just lets me talk through it and offers support.  He never criticizes.  and I'm never ashamed to tell him anything. 
I told him I was upset with myself that I fell back into the compulsive exercise.  and that I don't know how or when it happened.  but i know he'll support me through this.

my goal for next week is to replace some of the workouts i do at home with yoga.  i do vinyasa yoga, so it's still kind of intense, but certainly not as much as the other stuff.  This way i'd still be doing something, but burning less calories.  I asked lisa in tonight's check in if that sounded reasonable.  i think it does, but again, i can't always trust my judgement with this.

oh, and day two of lent:  i reached my protein goal!

food, lent and the like

well, i didn't exercise as much today.  but since it was only due to time restrictions and not by my own chosing, I can't really catagorize the day into success or fail.  I would have much rather done a lot more.  But i had to set up the parasitology lab practical exam and my class before that ran late, so time was very limited.

the MLS society had a meeting today after one our classes and they got pizza for it.  pizza sounded a lot better than my turkey sandwich i had packed for dinner, so i had a piece.  except then i realized how hungry i was and had another piece.  i was mentally freaking out about this.  but then realized it all worked out because i didn't have it on top of my dinner, i had it instead of my dinner (that i had packed).  I tracked my food when i got home and i'm still at the low end of my range.  So really... crisis averted.  I'm still okay. 

And Lent starts again today.  Lent is always hard for me.  Because so many people give up foods, and as a Catholic, we're technically supposed to fast Ash Wednesday (today) and Good Friday.  Not a complete fast, but there are guidelines I wont' get into here.  The exception to this is if you're pregnant, nursing, or have a health condition in which you shouldn't fast.  I have been told by more than one person that recovering from anorexia qualifies as that.  And the last couple of years I have not fasted on these days.  And unlike most everyone else, what I gave up was not food related.  I just can't.  I can't equate food with my faith.  I love my faith and aside from this I try to be the best Catholic that I can be.  But I refuse to relate fasting to God, even though for the normal person, it makes sense.  (besides, fasting isn't THAT much of a sacrifice to me, i mean... seriously). 

But it gets hard around here because my parents are "hardcore" Catholics.  Us kids joke around that if my parents hadn't met they'd be a priest and a nun.  My dad's an ordained deacon as it is.  So of course they're fasting today.  And during lent they don't eat snacks between meals or after dinner (and whatever else they do).  But... I ate today (i made sure to pack my food for the day before they got up and came downstairs to see it).  And I do eat snacks between meals, because that's what my RD has me do.  And I'm scared if I don't, bad things will follow.
There's a lot of guilt that comes with being in my family. 
Since I was 7, my parents fast every wednesday and friday (again, not a complete fast- and again, i won't go into details).  But for us kids, since we were young and still growing, we just didn't eat meat every wednesday and friday (like how people don't eat meat on Fridays during lent--- we just did it all year).  If I ever went to a friends house on a Friday night and they were having meat for dinner, I'd feel SO guilty about it afterwards.  I didn't want to be rude and refuse to eat with them, but oh no!  I had meat on a Friday!
Ugh.

When I was in the hospital I had to have a couple phone sessions with my parents.  And during our first one I told them I was not following that anymore.  That not eating meat was not a sacrifice for me, and neither was fasting (obviously).  I told them that if I need a protein source, and it happened to meat, and it happened to be a wednesday or a friday, then fine.  I was going to eat meat to get my protein.  I also told them I wasn't ready to fast during lent.  They got it.  At least they did then.  They're used to the meat on wednesday and friday thing... but my mom seemed kind of surprised when she found out i wasn't fasting today.  And i wanted to be like, "i really cant' handle it right now".  but then i was afraid that would tip her off... like, "wait, right now?  what's going on with you right now? ARE YOU RELAPSING?".
ugh.

wow, this post is a lot longer than i ever intended it to be.

so, i think this year for lent, i'm actually going to focus on food, but in a different way.  I'm going to try really hard to get my minimum 70 grams of protein everyday.  I hate protein.  I gag at the thought of it.  I can't tell you the last time I've reached my minimum.  So jokingly the other day my mom mentioned i should try to get all my protein everyday during lent.  but seriously- that will be really hard and a really good sacrifice.  all the while not depriving my body and focusing on treating it well.  I think that's a good compromise. 
I actually managed 80 grams today!  Day one and I'm already an overachiever. haha. 

Nathan is so stressed out.  I wont see him tomorrow, afterall.  well- i might for a few minutes on campus but we can't hang out tomorrow night like i thought we would.  he doesn't work friday but i have tentative plans with jayme on friday (because i assumed he be working).  turns out he works saturday instead. hopefully jayme and i can hang out saturday instead because i am missing Nathan like crazy right now.  and he needs to relax after this hell week.

olympics are on- mom just came to tell me that.  i think that's her passive aggressive way of telling me i need to get out of my room and go downstairs.  i guess it wouldn't hurt to not be antisocial tonight.  except i had a long day on campus surrounded by a lot of people.  hibernating is kinda nice...

trying

Well, day 1 of reducing my exercise has been a failure.  Although, Lisa says to judge it as a weekly total, not necessarily on a daily basis, so maybe by the end of the week it'll be okay.  But I'll try to be honest tonight when I email her my final totals. 

I've really wanted to Nathan about all of this.  But I really won't be able to until Thursday night.  He has a huge exam on Thursday, and until then he's either in class or at work.  Plus he has homework due his two other classes, tomorrow and thursday morning.  He's a bit stressed.  I won't even be able to talk to him much until Thursday night, let alone discuss this with him. 
There's no way I'll tell my mom about it.  She'll be on my case whenever I workout at home.  The worst thing for me is feeling like I'm being monitored.  And that's what I feel like my parents do if they know something is up. 
At least with Nathan, he trusts me, and he's never with me when I workout so in that respect, he couldn't monitor me if he wanted to. 
But without him knowing, I feel kind of alone in this.

I need to go eat a snack... but part of me is saying I don't need it.  But... I do need it.  I'm hungry and I can't let myself go under today.  Especially when I'm checking in with Lisa. 

annoyed

UGH
what's with the passive aggressiveness thing, mom?
Grow up and use your words.

Response and conclusions

Lisa finally got back with me today.  We've exchanged several emails since then  (panic-ridden ones from me and calming and reassuring ones from her).

Basically, I'm doing too much.  She claims I could be doing less than half of what I'm doing now.  But she doesn't expect me to change that all at once and says I can gradually reduce it.  She doesn't want to change the food intake since I'm comfortable with my range right now.  But she says she sees this all the time:  that bodies cling to the weight when someone is doing too much on too little food.  So if I bring it back into a better balance I'll notice more of a change.  But that is SO hard to trust.

her last line to me today was:
"Sounds like bastard is in your head from the exercise bulimia route more than you thought…. But with small changes you’ll realize you don’t gain a million pounds and life is still good."

I think I'm going to email her back and ask if I can check in with her every few days (or more) and let her know how much I'm doing and to make sure a conscience reduction in exercise doesn't lead to an unconscience reduction in food.

Basically, I need to be a lot more honest about this.   It was hard to read her call it exercise bulimia.  Even though I kinda already knew that.  At least-- I knew I had that problem before, but I no longer thought of me as having that.  But really... I'm just good at lying to myself.






I'd also like to make a note because I'm sure this is something that might seem weird and contradictory (further supporting my blog name)
I know I talk about being sick and chronically exhausted from the narcolepsy and CFIDS.  And then, here I talk about exercising too much.  That's part of the problem... I am exhausted on a daily basis.  And yet, I push through it to workout.  Plus, if I only have a little bit of energy, it's a daily debate of where the energy is focused: school, work, or exercise.  I am getting better at focusing it towards school and work. But I still put a lot of it towards exercise and end up getting stressed out later because I'm too tired to study.  But pretty much-- I'm just used to it.  I've been chronically exhausted for 9 years.  And now that I have the narcolepsy medication in the morning, I'm a lot better than it used to be.  So even though I'm still sick and not 100% healthy in that respect, comparatively, i'm a lot better than I was, which makes me feel like I can push workouts harder.  Also- on my "good" days, when I feel less tired (hallelujah!) I push the workouts that much harder to "make up" for my sick days (like today was).  If that makes sense.
But apparently that is backfiring if too much exercise without an increased food intake is causing my body to refuse losing weight.
Seriously, this shouldn't be so difficult.

My class that usually goes until 10pm got out by 845 tonight.  So I'm already home in my pajamas when I would have otherwise still been in class.  And, we got our first papers back, and before she handed them back she was saying how they weren't that great and that she'll offer extra credit points later on in the semester if we revise them.  I was getting all nervous.  And then I got mine back and saw I got a 98%.  I wonder what she'd say if I turned in a revised copy of the paper with the couple of a corrections I need to make. 


(oh, and i finished the foot yesterday and Dr B said "andi, it's GORGEOUS!  Better than I could have hoped for!  I can see each individual fiber... you must have spent hours getting every bit of adipose tissue off of it."  Yeah... I spent 9 hours on that one foot.  It was pretty amazing, if I do say so myself.  I'm proud of it.  I wish I could take and post pictures...).