Response and conclusions

Lisa finally got back with me today.  We've exchanged several emails since then  (panic-ridden ones from me and calming and reassuring ones from her).

Basically, I'm doing too much.  She claims I could be doing less than half of what I'm doing now.  But she doesn't expect me to change that all at once and says I can gradually reduce it.  She doesn't want to change the food intake since I'm comfortable with my range right now.  But she says she sees this all the time:  that bodies cling to the weight when someone is doing too much on too little food.  So if I bring it back into a better balance I'll notice more of a change.  But that is SO hard to trust.

her last line to me today was:
"Sounds like bastard is in your head from the exercise bulimia route more than you thought…. But with small changes you’ll realize you don’t gain a million pounds and life is still good."

I think I'm going to email her back and ask if I can check in with her every few days (or more) and let her know how much I'm doing and to make sure a conscience reduction in exercise doesn't lead to an unconscience reduction in food.

Basically, I need to be a lot more honest about this.   It was hard to read her call it exercise bulimia.  Even though I kinda already knew that.  At least-- I knew I had that problem before, but I no longer thought of me as having that.  But really... I'm just good at lying to myself.






I'd also like to make a note because I'm sure this is something that might seem weird and contradictory (further supporting my blog name)
I know I talk about being sick and chronically exhausted from the narcolepsy and CFIDS.  And then, here I talk about exercising too much.  That's part of the problem... I am exhausted on a daily basis.  And yet, I push through it to workout.  Plus, if I only have a little bit of energy, it's a daily debate of where the energy is focused: school, work, or exercise.  I am getting better at focusing it towards school and work. But I still put a lot of it towards exercise and end up getting stressed out later because I'm too tired to study.  But pretty much-- I'm just used to it.  I've been chronically exhausted for 9 years.  And now that I have the narcolepsy medication in the morning, I'm a lot better than it used to be.  So even though I'm still sick and not 100% healthy in that respect, comparatively, i'm a lot better than I was, which makes me feel like I can push workouts harder.  Also- on my "good" days, when I feel less tired (hallelujah!) I push the workouts that much harder to "make up" for my sick days (like today was).  If that makes sense.
But apparently that is backfiring if too much exercise without an increased food intake is causing my body to refuse losing weight.
Seriously, this shouldn't be so difficult.

My class that usually goes until 10pm got out by 845 tonight.  So I'm already home in my pajamas when I would have otherwise still been in class.  And, we got our first papers back, and before she handed them back she was saying how they weren't that great and that she'll offer extra credit points later on in the semester if we revise them.  I was getting all nervous.  And then I got mine back and saw I got a 98%.  I wonder what she'd say if I turned in a revised copy of the paper with the couple of a corrections I need to make. 


(oh, and i finished the foot yesterday and Dr B said "andi, it's GORGEOUS!  Better than I could have hoped for!  I can see each individual fiber... you must have spent hours getting every bit of adipose tissue off of it."  Yeah... I spent 9 hours on that one foot.  It was pretty amazing, if I do say so myself.  I'm proud of it.  I wish I could take and post pictures...).