moving forward?

I ended up emailing my dietitian today about this whole dilemma. i even pasted my last post into the email so that i wouldn't miss anything.  I got a response within a few hours but it just was saying that she did get the email and that she'll be replying over the weekend.  I appreciate her at least telling me that much. 

i ended up working out today.  i somehow felt a little more energized and then my friend called and said she was running late and wouldn't be here until 2.  This gave me plenty of time to squeeze something in... and my parents were gone so it was the best opportunity to do it (i feel slightly awkward working out in the living room when my dad is home and downstairs, so i prefer to workout when they're not home).  I did double my narcolepsy med.  which, in itself isn't bad.  I'm allowed to do that if I need it.  And my friend and I were actually REALLY productive once she got here.

Part of the problem is that I simply do NOT trust my body.

Plus, it took a lot of effort to focus on getting my eating back to normal and I couldn't really focus on the exercise aspect of things.  I nearly went insane last fall when I had to go 3 months w.out exercising because of my stupid heart and the stupid 8 classes I had to take.
So really- i focused so much on the eating aspect I couldn't focus on both sides.  And now that my eating has pretty much stabilized, i feel.... ready (if that's the right word) to start focusing on the exercise "addiction" i seem to be in.

When I was leaving my IP program the summer of 08, they were pretty much concerned i'd go home and workout too much.  they said if i shouldn't workout for at least 3 months or something crazy like that.  I agreed i'd do that just to shut them up, but really- that was ridiculous to me.  Luckily my dietitian i started seeing when I got home completely agreed with me and worked with me to incorporate some exercise in with my meal plan.  (even then, i always went over what she "allowed" me to do, and of course, i lied to her about it).  I was honest about the food part of it, so i justified it.  Of course.

I guess I wasn't ready to let go yet.
Anyway, this stuff is completely racing through my mind right now but I'm really tired after 9 hours of researching alpha thalassemia and studying for molecular diagnostics.  I'm sure I"ll return to this tomorrow.

But here's the email I sent to Lisa, my dietitian (just a heads up, my named for the ed is "the Bastard", so that's what I'm referring to when I say that):

Hey Lisa,

I hope it's still okay to email you since I'm not coming in regularly anymore.  I'm sure I'll come in again though eventually when things need to be tweaked or when I'm pregnant (which is a few years away..). :)

The food aspect is going really well lately.  I'm a lot less strict with myself, am eating combination foods, and not obsessively keeping track (I do use sparkpeople though, and that helps out a lot), and yet still staying within a good range.

My issue is exercise, and the amount to do.  I probably tend to over-do it most of the time.  But then I go a few days when I'm not able to do it so I convince myself it all evens out.  Which may or may not be true.  I don't know. 
I have finally lost some weight and am more toned.  I think part of my obsession with it is that our wedding is less than 4 months away and my dress will probably come in next month and i'll have a fitting.  The other part is just the Bastard is still on my case about exercise.  That's the one thing that has not really faded from my mind. 

Another thing that I wonder if it's normal-- when I initially (and FINALLY) lost some weight and fit into a smaller pair of pants, I unconsciously freaked out and sabotaged myself by working out less and eating at my higher range so that I'd maintain again.  Once I finally figured out I was doing this I tried to not let it get to me.  I think it's because I've never lost weight in a healthy way before, so the thrill of it reminds me of how it USED to be.  And that scared me because I don't want to go back to the way things used to be- when I lost weight really rapidly because I would workout and not eat anything. 
Is this common?  or am I crazy? 

Anyway, I think I need help with the exercise aspect.  I don't trust that cutting back a little will "be enough".  I still don't trust my body.  What I've been doing (which may or may not be too much) has been working... so I don't want to cut back. Because it seems to take a lot for there to be any change (since it's only been recently that there has been any change).   But when it interferes with work, school, and friends, or if I'm not feeling up to it, then I tend to freak out and get really anxious. 

I'm sorry this email is getting so long, but here's the latest post from my journal::

[entered the previous blog entry]

I guess I'm finally willing to get help with the exercise.  I typically lie about what I do (at least to my mom... she tends to be a little paranoid I'll relapse).  I don't feel like I'm at risk of relapsing.  I just feel stuck in this exercise thing.  I honestly do not trust my body. 
And, I have a hard time judging how many calories I'm actually burning.  When I'm running (which isn't THAT often since my legs are still semi-screwed up), I can trust I know how much.  But if I do a workout video, or taebo or if I take a Zumba or spinning class at the gym... I don't now how much.  So I say it's a small amount just to be safe, and do an additional workout "just to be safe".  

I've asked on sparkpeople's forum, and people suggest getting a heart rate monitor thing.  But that is so inaccurate for me.  When I'm off my betablocker, just going up a flight of stairs easily sends my heart to 190.  And now that I'm on a beta blocker, my heart rate is falsely decreased and doesn't peak as high- even though I'm able to get in more intense workouts because I don't feel like my heart is going to explode.

ANYWAY.  This is my main issue right now, and any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  I might even push myself to tell you my workout routines to banish the secrecy around it.  maybe.  I guess if it helps the situation....

I hope you're doing well! 

-Andi