sensitive

I'm way too sensitive to other people's emotions.

i don't know how to change that.
but i really, really need to.

it's not helping.

almost over

Just got out of microbio lab. Finished my unknowns and identified all of the bacteria i had. I think I had 12 or 13 total, I can't remember.

Had my last micro lecture tonight.
Tomorrow is the last lecture for biochem. We still have 5 1/2 chapters to cover... that should be interesting.
Tomorrow is my last class for issues in health care- and i have to do a group presentation- which i'm NOT looking forward to.
i HATE HATE HATE talking in front of people.
Seriously.
i dont like people!!!
thats why i want to work in a LAB and work with bacteria and viruses all day.
if i wanted to work with people i'd be doing something else.

oy.

3 finals next week.

and then i'm done.


amazing.



now all i have to do is find the motivation to study...

crazy.

it just dawned on me.

i got through all of that without hurting myself in any way.
i didn't cut, i didn't restrict, i didn't purge, hell- i didn't even exercise for 3 days.

i just let myself feel it. no matter how raw and painful it got.

i used my voice.

i waited for it to pass.

and it did.

finished

i finished my paper last night. It's 7 pages, 8 1/2 if you count the reference page, which i think i can do.
had dad and nathan proofread it for me.
finished the reference list this morning and poof! a paper all about streptococcus agalactiae.

i just have micro lecture and lab tonight. neither should be too bad.
hopefully i can identify another bacteria today in lab with my unknowns. i identified two on monday. I had haemophilius influenzae and staph. saprophyticus. i have a psuedomonas, but i have to wait for some of the biochemical tests to come back before i can officially say that.

jessica is going to spend the night tonight.

then i'm going to yoga in the morning with Nathan.
then to his grandparents house for Thanksgiving.

just finished making a batch of pumpkin bread to take over there.
the house smells good.

talked to ryann for over an hour this morning.
working on getting the house for sale!

anxiety has lessened.

i have no idea what was up with those few days.
I hope that's over and done with.

yesterday i was able to take my time and write the paper without stressing myself out too much.
i could actualy focus and write a logical sentence... so that was good.


i could have made it to yoga today- Lynnes class- but i was talking to Ryann and making bread so now i won't be able to make it on time. at least i'll be able to workout today, though.
going 3 days without it sucks.

Drained

I don't know what to do today.
I just got out of biochem, so I either go to the rec and workout, or I go home and start working on the paper right away.
I haven't exercised in 2 days, so skipping today makes day #3.
That doesn't sit well with me.

But I'm so tired.
I've slept so much the last 3 days, though, so this is stupid.
I slept most of Sunday because of the ativan. Then I slept in on Monday, so I got about 9 hours of sleep.
I fell asleep on the couch last night after micro- again while Nathan was over... i felt bad about that.
I went to bed at 10, as soon as he left, and woke up at 730. So another 9+ hours of sleep there.
and yet it feels like i haven't slept in days.
i keep yawning and don't feel like moving, and exercising right now does not sound appealing, even though i really need to do something.

The tiredness is probably from the anxiety. That's the only thing I can think of.
plus i'm afraid to drink too much coffee because i don't want to get shakey--- i don't want to feel anything that is similar to anxiety right now. i can't handle that. i still feel too fragile and vunerable.

i talked to my micro prof last night- told her about the panic attack and the anxiety- how i had to have Nathan drive me to and from campus because i was in no condition to be driving. i told her i had a good chunck of the paper done, and it wasn't like i had been procrastinating and just trying to buy extra time- but that i had planned on working on it more this weekend and yesterday, and the anxiety and panic attacks came unexpectedly and screwed up that plan.
she said "well, see what you can do and let me know Wednesday how it went. it's that time of year- with finals- you're probably bring a lot of the anxiety upon yourself."

uhh.. okay, that doesn't help me at all.
For one thing, i'm not stressed about school right now. aside from this paper, i dont have anything to do until my 3 finals that a few weeks away.
And then- what if i dont' have it completed by wednesday and she decides she doesn't care, and then i get screwed over.

not helpful at all.

im going to try to get it done tonight.
i had told dad i'd email him my paper monday night- well, that didn't happen
he called to see if i had sent it and it didn't go through- so i called him back and said i'd try to send it tonight.

i guess i'll skip the gym... again.
i hate that. i really do.
but i really need to finish the paper tonight, so that in the morning i can do finishing touches on it, and i dont have to worry about dad or my prof's reactions to not having it done.

i have all day.
it's only noon.
if i go home now, i'll be home by 12:45. i can eat lunch, and then get started on it. take breaks when i need to. make sure i stay calm.
my brain typically starts shutting off around 10pm, so that gives me a lot of time to work on it.
i should be okay.


i can do this
i can do this
i can do this.


anxiety levels aren't as high today.
it's just the exhaustion i'm fighting.
hopefully the anxiety stays away and lets me finish this damn thing.

i am shakey.
i'm telling myself it's coffee and provigil.

i'm not anxious...
got that, body?
now- stay that way.

panic

i'm not okay today.

i slept most of yesterday, due to the ativan.

i woke up, still anxious.

ive been working on my paper, i have 3 pages done, and a few more ideas of what to write about.

but it's hard to focus on that when i'm freaking out and shaking and bursting into tears for no reason.

i want to take more ativan, to sleep this off.
but i can't.
i'm already skipping micro lecture. i should have already left for class, but i can't. theres no way.
i have lab at 5, and i can't miss that. we're doing our unknowns, and i can't afford to miss a lab right now.
so i have until 4:15 to stop freaking out enough to be able to drive and functon around people.


i'm going to have to talk to prof W about getting the notes from lecture today. i'll probably tell her i wasn't feeling well enough to make it. which is true.
i'm debating on whether or not to tell her i've been on the brink of a panic attack and haven't been able to focus to work on the paper.
to see if i can turn it in after thanksgiving.
i doubt she'll let me, but it's worth a shot?
i have a good chunk done, and i'll tell her that. say ive been working on it and it isn't procrastionation that's causing me to need more time, but the fact that i can't think straight because my mind has been in panic mode for the last two days and i dont know when it'll stop.

i dont know.

i can't take this.

i wish i wasn't home alone.
i wish mom was here.
somebody.
i'd even take dad, at this point.

i just can't handle this.
i'm shaking so badly
and crying.
and freaking out.

i shouldn't be alone right now.

i hope i can drive later.
and i hope that i can funciton in lab, and make sense of things and not ruin my unknowns because i'm too out of it to think straight.



i seriously can't take this anymore.

i called susan but she didn't answer, either.
must be in with someone else.


i dont even know what to do with myself.
i seriously want to take ativan again, but i really can't.
i HAVE to make it to lab tonight.
i have no choice.


i have no idea what to do.

no idea.

no fucking idea.

i can't make this stop.

i can't stop crying.
i can't stop shaking.
i can't stop panicking.


i can't take this anymore.

dazed

i actually took ativan this morning.


two, actually.

very unlike me.

but the panic...

i'm so dazed right now.
everything im doing is confusing to me.
like logging into blogger.
and writing this entry.
trying to figure out what to eat.

i dont know how long this takes to wear off.
i never take ativan.
i had it one time at rogers, but before then? i dont know.


im afraid of it wearing off.
what will happen?
will only the cloudyiness and confusion wear off
or will the panic come back, too?

i dont want the panic to come back

please
dont let that come back.


nathan isn't answering his phone.
should his church service be lasting longer than 3 hours?
i'm really confused.

my parents have already left for Seattle

so. i'm home alone for 8 days.
that's JUST wnat i need right now.

thank you for that lovely timing.

down

.



moods are crashing.



wait, present tense? i think they're done crashing. i think they've officially crashed.



now i'm here among the reckage looking for any glimpse of life.





not seeing any.






when will the darkness end?


.

Borrowed.

I have 36 gallstones in my purse right now.

One is larger than a peanut M&M.

They're from an old man I never met, yet know really well.

I have to give them back on Sunday, but until then... this is really cool.

sweet

i am completely kicking biochem's ass!!!!

i got a 110% on the exam


how is that even possible?!?!!

i'm so excited.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

BEN GET'S TO COME ON HOME IN JANUARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cram

microbiology exam in 45 minutes.

i don't feel prepared, but i keep telling myself that her tests aren't that difficult. it's just multiple choice. i should be able to recognize enough things.



i emailed lisa the link to the online food and exercise log today. i think this will help. i'm feeling good about making progress, now.


the last 3 days, i've done well... so hopefully i can keep it up.


i need to go cram some more with what little time i have left, but i'm really sick of reading about bacteria.
it's a good thing I didn't bring Eclipse with me... haha. I'm almost done with it... again.

ok. 30 more minutes of cramming in the library and then i'll head over to class.

then i don't have any more exams until finals week!!!

awesome.
i like that this semester is almost over.
i've liked this semester... but still... i'm glad it's almost over.

last dissection

Sunday already? Seriously?

The exam on Thursday went pretty well. I think the difference was in the studying. I didn't necessarily study more, i studied smarter. I have a better understanding on how he writes his tests, and knew how and what to study. It was a relief to be over. We probably won't get them back until next Thursday, though.

Yesterday the TAs did the abdomen and thorax dissection. Maureen and Nathan and a couple of other students joined us. I GOT TO WORK ON THE RIB CAGES! No one else but Nathan even touched them. Everyone knows I've claimed them forever, and they're all okay with that. No one else likes to work on the ribs.
i even got to crack the ribcage off! i needed nick and Dan to help me because i had never done it before, but i cracked most of the guy's ribs and helped cut the diaphragm off and other assorted tissues.
awesome!

Our bodies are WEIRD this semester. They pulled me over to the female body and showed me an organ they had cut in half. "What do you think this is, Andi?" I didn't know... i guessed the spleen... Nope! It was a kidney!?! what the ?
the kidneys in each body had huge pockets of liquid on them. it was so strange.
i heard them say the guy's heart was really fatty
The lungs in both bodies are horrible. Smokers, for sure.

The man's stomach seemed small, I guess. I didn't actually see it- i was busy with the ribs.

No uterus in the woman. I'm not sure what we're going to do... Somehow the uterus we've had for years has disappeared (along with our favorite brain/spinal cord, and a few other things). I don't know who decided to send them back to where ever they'd be sent to. It wasn't Dr Bee.. she doesn't know where it went, either.
which is REALLY annoying, because she's in charge of that lab, basically--- so for someone to go behind her back and do that...
I'm protective of lab and of our organs.



I need to be studying for micro... i have an exam tomorrow.
but i really don't feel like it.
i had good intentions of waking up early, studying, going to mass, work, exercise and study the rest of the day
but i don't think that is going to play out exactly like that anymore.
I'll probably go to the 130 mass instead of 11.
i really need to get started on something.

oooof.

numb, happy, hurt

i haven't been able to make myself freak out about the biochem exam tomorrow morning.
i oddly feel prepared, but really- i haven't studied nearly the amount as the last exam.
he claims this exam is just as hard, if not harder, than the last one. but i can't figure out how that is... and that slightly worries me.

i think i'm just numb.
numb to life and to caring.
i'm burnt out and i don't care.
i think i'm tired of trying so damn hard.
trying so hard in recovery, only to not get anywhere.
trying to hard in school, only to realize there is no end in sight.

i'm not going to grad school, so why should i care about my grades.
i just need an internship.
so really, the pressure to 4.0 is all from me.
and it's unnecessary.
and i know that, and i've known that all along.

i'm just numb.

i feel like two or three different people.
parts of me love life, and are so happy and excited for the future.
parts of me hate life, hate me, want to say 'screw it' to recovery. hates the future- sees no end in sight to the suffering and struggles of the ED and depression and uses pain to get through it.
and parts of me are simply numb.


so do i care about the exam tomorrow?
yeah.
but am i freaking out?
no.
there are a few more things i still need to go over and write out a bunch of times. and i should have done that tonight.
but i didn't.
i did spend 5 hours studying with tess, casey and brandon today. and when i got home from micro i studied for a while, and had a 3 way call with casey and tess and we quizzed eachother for 40 minutes.
there are still a few more things i'm shakey on, that will probably be short answer questions.
but i cant' get myself to go over it tonight.
i guess there's tomorrow morning still. that's what i'm counting on.

but really.
i don't even care right now.

go away.

i want, so badly, to be home alone right now. but no. dad's home.
mom left. not sure where she went. i had fallen asleep in my room awhile ago on accident. when i woke up she was gone.
i don't know why it matters if dad is home or not. but i absolutely hate it when he is. i need to study biochem tonight, and whether he is here or not, that's what i'll be doing. so why does it matter that he's in the other room watching the hockey game?
it shouldn't matter.
except it does.
i get so tense when he's around.

i hold my breath everytime i pull into my driveway- praying that there will be no cars parked there. or at least- only my mom's car. i feel like swearing whenever dad's car is parked there.

completely unreasonable.

i was actually home for dinner tonight. i ate so fast, just so that i could go back upstairs.
i didn't want to be there when dad was also at the table.

this is stupid.

but i wish that he'd just go somewhere.
remember that he had some weird errand to do tonight or something. or go to bed early. anything.
just so that he wouldn't be here.

i just want to be alone.

i wish i could move out.

update

i got out of micro lab early tonight. it was just the review for our exam Wednesday.
and then i ran into KATIE in the hall!!!!!

SO excited!! I haven't seen her in SO long!

she had a class at 6, though, so i only got to talk with her for 10 minutes or so.
but it was good.
we might hang out Thursday night (by which the biochem exam will be OVER!)

micro lab shouldn't be too hard.... she said it's straight forward. only 15 questions. pretty much all identification. i just need to memorize the flow chart.

surprisingly, i'm not panicking about biochem.
maybe i should be?
i dont know.
he said this exam is the hardest--- but i still can't figure out why.
at least the chapters are somewhat connected to each other... for once.
and it's only 5 chapters. and not even complete chapters, because a lot go into so much detail he didn't want us to worry about it at that level...
we'll see.
i still have a lot of time.
-tonight, tomorrow afternoon, wednesday, early thursday morning (assuming my car doesn't break down on me again!)
studying with tess on wednesday.
wednesday is her birthday... i should make her something.


I'm so tired.

i did an experiment on my own.
i stopped my nighttime narcolepsy meds...
my doctor said that my brain might rewire itself... and i've been on them for over 2 years, so i was hoping maybe something would have happened by now....
i don't think so.
it's been a couple weeks, and i can definitely tell a difference.
so.. i'm taking them again, starting tonight.
hopefully i'll sleep better and feel more awake in a few days.
we'll see.

maybe i shouldn't be experimenting with my meds like this...
but i'm curious.
and i'm nervous for when i have to come off of them (years from now when i have kids)
i know it's dumb to worry about that NOW, when it's going to be waay in the future... but i still think about these things.
maybe by THEN my brain will have rewired itself or something...
maybe.


nathan might be done with his anatomy exam... i guess i should go over that way and find him.

time machine

I really wish that I could fast forward time. I'm ready to be done with school. I'm ready for summer 2010.

face and ribs!

i got to do the facial dissection today!!!


i didn't finish it, but i got all of the skin peeled away, so all that is left is cleaning it up to see the muscles.
i even got around the eyes really well!
it was difficult because the skin is really thin, plus he was an old man so he had a lot of wrinkles. i kept cutting through the skin on accident, because i had to stay as superficial as possible.
i cut most of the nose off, too.
that was weird.
dr bee wasnt' around, so i didn't completely cut it off... i wanted to ask her opinion before i did anything more.


at one point today, the TAs outnumbered the students...
and their exam is next week.

i'm forecasting a very low average (except for Nathan, Brandon and Monica. and probably Steve and Maureen... but those two aren't in the friday class)
these students are annoying.
i hope next semester is better.
i know a lot of TAs are thinking about quitting... it gets frustrating trying to help them when they aren't willing to put forth any effort.
i'm not quitting. not until i have to (graduation). i want to dissect.

rib cages next saturday!
woo!

internships

i had a shift in mindset yesterday. i'm back to eating better.

i had a shakey week. there were days where i didn't eat anywhere near the amount i was supposed to... and then other days my exchanges were all off, even if i got enough total.
i think everything just got to me. and the fact i went 4 days without working out again didn't help.
but i'm back in the swing of things.
and it's weird, i have a feeling that now, my body will start responding.
i dont know why now is any different, but it just feels like it is.

i feel ready to take on the world


i'm excited for my internship, too.
which is 2 years away....
but i'm still excited about it. especially if I get accepted at st Johns. Brandon was telling me about it yesterday- thats where he did his internship and is working now- and you get a stipand and benefits and everything.
i'm hoping that there won't be as many applicants for that one, because it's still 11 months with lectures. beaumont just changed theirs and eliminated the lectures and cut it down to 6 months. i think more people will be likely to apply to beaumont instead of st johns... so maybe i'll have a better shot.
being done in 6 months would be nice--- but really- i think lectures would help me. i want to be absorbed into that environment and all of that knowledge. i want to feel prepared when i go to take the boards. and beaumont doesn't give any money. and-- i hate beaumont- from a patient point of view- so i would be okay not working there.


it's 2 years off but i'm already dreaming

already ready for bed

i'm exhausted.

i need to study biochem tonight. but i'm not sure if that's going to be possible.

going to study tomorrow with brandon, so that should help.

we FINALLY got our biochem exams back. i managed an 86%
seems low for the amount of work i put into it.
but... i can be okay with a B, i guess.
my goal, afterall, was simply to pass.

we already have another exam on the 13th.
and he says this one is the hardest of them all.
hence brandon and i are already studying.


no big news on the heart thing.
he didn't have the results of the heart monitor thing yet. but the ultrasound and bloodwork was fine.
there's a betablocker he wants me to try.
he said i could try coming off provigil. he didn't seem to understand that wasn't really an option at this point.
besides- i've been on that for over 2 years, why would it only now mess with things?
i don't know if i'm going to take this new stuff...
if my heart rate is simply fast, but my heart is normal, otherwise, then it can't be dangerous.
i'm sick of medication.
i really don't want another.

i'll think about it.

i probably won't take it, though.

.

i can't wait for today to be over.

blank

i need to write.

but i have no words.

out

i can't stand being home with both of my parents here.

i have to get out of here.

Dumb alarm.

so my alarm didn't go off this morning. so i missed biochem.
i called tess. she'll pick up the notes for me. she said he didn't have the tests to give back yet, so at least i didn't miss that.

i hate when things like this happen.

i guess i should be happy that i got a couple hours of extra sleep.
my body needs that right now.

...

I need to feel numb.

spiked

finally fell asleep around 3 and didn't wake up until my alarm went off at 9.
thank you, rozerem.

went to the gym today to get a workout with this stupid monitor on.
got my heart to spike to 186.

i can almost take this stupid thing off.
almost.

now i'm off to micro.
woohoo.

hurry up, morning

holy.cow.

anxious much?

i haven't been able to sleep well tonight.
have been in and out of sleep.

whenever i think about falling asleep it gets harder to breathe.

i woke up a few minutes ago, panicky.
i can't wait until the night is over and i can 'wake up'.
i thought it must at least be 4am.
i looked, and it was only 130.
i groaned.
i wanted to scream.

TONIGHT NEEDS TO END, NOW!

i needed to just get up.
i took rozerem.
i wanted to take more than one.
i'm so desperate to fall sound asleep so that i'm numb to everything

but i didnt- i only took one.
then quickly left my room so that i wouldn't be tempted.
i'll play freecell for awhile.
freecell is always relaxing to me.

oh my gosh
i'm shaking.
i feel like i'm going to throw up.
it seriously needs to be morning.
5 minutes ago.

not that i'll necessarily feel better in the morning, but at least i can get up and not think about sleeping.

i'm so tired.
i only got 3 hours of sleep last night.

i hate my body.
in every possible way.

my mind keeps screaming at me, "YOUR BODY DOESN'T DESERVE FOOD. DENY IT. DENY IT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!"

oh how i want to listen to that.

always tomorrow.

the whole scheduling thing isn't that big of a mess after all. i could just take mls 450 instead (an ethics class) but OU is brilliant and set it up so that only juniors can take it, not juniors and up. so i can't actually sign up for it.
but i see dr R tomorrow for micro, so i'll ask her what i should do. she'll sign me in to 450. i'm sure that won't be a problem.
it might be nice to get it out of the way.


i'm so tired.
not sure why i'm still awake.



i'm so itchy.
between the heart monitor starting to itch and the scabs being in that stupid itchy-healing phase.
i feel like i got attacked by mosquitos or something.


therapy was well timed tonight.
i didn't cry as much as i felt i needed to. in fact, i hardly did at all.
but... i just needed that today.
moods are still low.
cutting urges still really high. i didn't have anything with me today, though, so the fact i didn't cut isn't saying THAT much.
eating wasnt' the greatest today, either.
under with everything.

tomorrow is a new day, though.

maybe tomorrow will be brighter.

wired up

went to the dr today.
had an ekg, which was normal.
had an ultrasound of my heart, don't know what the results are.
and now im wired up to a 24 hr heart monitor.

i'm just paranoid that nothing is going to show up.
just like it was for years before my very first positive test result 2 years ago. (HLA-DQ6 gene!)

i know something is weird with my heart.

my heart rate got up to 182 earlier today during my workout.
i wasn't even sweating yet.

but, it'll just be my luck that my heart will be fine.



i just got an email from my prof about my parasitology class and lab for next semester.
MLS 335 Class Announcements,

1) If you are an MLS major, then you need to take MLS 335 and MLS 336 (Lab) together. If you have not signed up for a Lab section,
you need to do so quickly.

2) If your specialization is CLS, then you should be taking MLS 335 and MLS 336 during the Winter semester of your Senior year. If
you are only a Junior, you should drop the class and take it next Winter.

So... i am a senior, but i'm not in last year... but i'm not a junior.
and i'm following the course plan and it's saying in my junior year to take 335 and 336.

and i don't have the energy- mentally or emotionally or physically, for that matter (only 3 hours of sleep...), to figure out my entire schedule over again.

i hate scheduling.


i hate me, too.

done

the exam wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be.
there were still a lot i guessed on, but i knew the majority of it.
so that's good.

i have an appt. w. a dr tomorrow afternoon.
it's not my usual dr... he didn't have openings until november 11th.
so i have some other weird guy i haven't heard of...
hopefully he's okay.

i have an hour until my lab. and nothing to study.
i was going to go to the rec, but Dr R pulled me aside after the exam and told me i hadn't signed up for parasitology lab. It wasn't on the course plan, so i hadn't known about it.
so i'm in the health sciences computer lab, and i pulled up the list, and there are two sections of the lab- one is at 230 and one is at 4. I'm going to have immunology at 4, and there was only ONE spot left for the 230 lab.
THANK GOODNESS i got it before it was filled.
so i'm at full time without needing to TA for credit. that makes a lot more sense. i couldn't figure out why their course plan would only include 11 credits for a semester.

i'll just go to the rec after lab tonight.
i don't feel like doing that now.
watch- tonight we stay the entire 2 hours.
that would suck.


wow... this computer lab is 90 degrees or something.

my snack is in my car, along with my backpack and books and everything else.
so... i guess i'll go get that and then maybe start reading my new book.

heart

i am so screwed for my micro exam.
i should have studied more yesterday but i didn't have time.
i have 2 hours before i have to leave... but i need a break.

mom thinks i should go to the dr and get my heart checked out.
it's still being weird.
and when i workout-- it's annoying.
i'm ready to increase resistance and intensity with everything i'm currently doing. i'm strong enough to make things harder. but when i do, my heart rate goes up into the 170s and feels likes its going to explode, so i have to back off. so all of my workouts feel pointless. i have to stay at wimpy levels and wimpy speeds just to keep my heart rate in a somewhat normal range. so i don't get tired, or out of breath or sweaty, because i'm hardly doing anything.
i don't even try bike riding anymore. my heart rate always goes up to 175 just during a warmup.
even just walking up a flight of stairs, i get out of breath and my heart is pounding. seriously unnecessary.

it's annoying.
no wonder increasing the exercise isn't doing me any good, weight loss wise. i'm not even doing anything when i do exercise. i might as well just sit there.

i dont want to go to the dr though.
i'm sick of drs and appts.
and i dont want to be one of those people who run to the dr at any little sign or symptom of anything.

mom pointed out that it's been going on for a long time, though.

true.

i don't know.

why can't my body just cooperate with me?
why is there always a battle?

catch up

i need a weekend where I'm not doing anything.

i need a weekend so that i can catch up.

i don't foresee one coming up anytime soon...

one step back

since rozerem hasn't kicked in yet... i might as well write more.

I felt better today than yesterday- which was good because I was able to get really productive studying in. and because feeling like shit sucks, so it's nice to not feel that way.
but today still wasn't the greatest...

Yesterday was really rough.
Bad depression and anxiety again.
To the point where I ran to my room and curled up in a ball shaking and crying.
Ended up cutting. Which i'm not proud of, but I'm not beating myself up over it either. I did what I needed to do to get me through. It kind of worries me that I'm not more upset over that fact. I don't like that going to that option is all of a sudden okay to me again. I doubt it'll go back to the way it used to be years ago, but still, I seem to be closer to that mindset than a healthy one.
I also seem closer to the same moods as all those years ago. with the dark feelings and the anxiety attacks and everything popping up lately.

I have an appt. with dr H on Friday. I'm torn on what to tell her.
I don't want her to freak out about the "relapse" like she has in the past. I don't want her "don't cut yourself" lecture again. I don't want new meds. I don't want a change in meds. i'm sick of meds. completely sick of them, and i like that the ones i'm on don't have side effects and for the most part have kept me stable.
she's not one to push meds, either. at least not huge combinations of them. i'm on only one thing for the bipolar, and i like it that way. so does she.
So i don't know what to really say.
i'm sure i'll end up telling her everything, since i've been learning to be honest about everything.
i emailed lisa a couple days ago to tell her i haven't been doing as well as i was, to get some feedback of things i could maybe change to make it easier. she helps a lot. she's very supportive and not judgemental or anything. she thanked me for being honest with my struggles and so now i'm back to emailing her my food logs.


i feel so strange.
to be back to where i once was.
low moods, high anxiety, hard time eating, cutting.

i know i'm not all the way back to where i used to be.
i've made a lot of progress and i'm not going to let this derail me with anything.
but it still feels weird to fall this far backwards.

but at the same time, it doesn't feel weird.
it feels familiar.
i've been here before.
i know how it goes.

biochemistry...

I've been studying biochem all day. and all yesterday (as much as i could manage in the state of mind i was in...), and all last weekend and last week... etc.

This morning I woke up at 8 and did some things then started studying. i had my mom quiz me for 2 1/2 hours. then i went to the library and studied with Tess. i had microbio lecture, studied for 45 minutes, had microbio lab, came home, ate dinner, gave myself a 30 minute break then went up in my room and studied until 9. called Tess and we quized each other for another hour.

i know the things that i need to look over more. i have it narrowed down to what i don't fully know yet.

i'm afraid those few things are going to be what he asks us.

i have a few things that i'm PRAYING are his short answer questions. my luck, they won't be... but i'm hoping.

i'm going to get up around 6 to study because i'm all studied out tonight to go over the rest of what i need to go over.
i'm meeting up with Tess and Casey tomorrow at 8, and our exam is at 10.

-deep breath-

i feel more prepared than i did yesterday.
having mom and tess quiz me, and having to say things outloud makes a big difference.

there are a few things we think are mistakes in the notes our prof gave us. but he's out of town all week and we can't ask him because he won't be back until Monday.
great, right?


oh. and then i found out i have a micro exam on Monday.
and i haven't started studying for that yet because i've been ignoring everything that isn't biochem.
that's not good.

i hate not keeping up with things and studying at the last minute.
i normally don't do that- but for this micro exam... that's what it's going to end up being.

i need to go to bed. it's after midnight but my mind is racing.
i took rozerem a few minutes ago... i'm waiting for that to kick in...

hopefully soon.

crash

What's with these damn moods of mine?
Why do I have to wake up to darkness?
Why do the colors have to disappear?
Why does my heart beat out of my chest?
Why do I shake so badly?

Why do I crave pain?


I'm tired of feeling this way.
I'm tired of having things to do and not being able to muster up the strength to do them.
Just getting out of bed. Just getting dressed. Just doing any simple everyday task is so draining. I don't even want to leave the house. I need to. Eventually today, I need to. I have things to do. I'm an adult. I have responsibilities.

But all I feel capable of doing right now is crawling back into bed, pulling my blankets up over my head and crying until I fall back to sleep.
That, and maybe cutting first.

I hate feeling this way.
It makes me feel guilty.
I have no reason to feel this way.
None at all.

Except that my brain is retarded and likes to decide my moods for me.
stupid brain.
maybe i can trade brains with one from the lab.

No one would notice, right?




i hate today.

PPP

i rock at the pentose phosphate pathway.

take that, biochem!

too bad that's only 1 of 8 chapters...

Productive?

coffeeeeeeeeeee.

i'm waiting for it to kick in.
it might be a double provigil day.

i'm hoping on having a productive day.

decided to go to work before Mass, and then go to the 1:30 Mass.
Should get home by 3, and then I'll have the rest of the day to study.
probably won't get a workout in, but i guess that's okay... i've gotten in my time allowed for week. doesn't seem like enough to me. i need to email lisa again. maybe i'll do that this afternoon.


i'm getting frustrated with myself.


oh, the missing foot- dr Bee emailed me back and she took it. that made me feel better. i'm responsible for that foot- if it goes missing it's my problem to deal with. I don't like dealing with extra problems.
Especially since the anatomy lab is under a microscope right now because of the stupid new medical school OU is building.
lame.


Oook. time for work.
yuck.
i'm too tired still.



I hope biochem makes sense for me today.
the thing is- it makes sense- there is just way too much, and way too much detail.

but. that's science at a college level, what else should i expect?

feet

my foot (that i dissected- not one of the ones still attached to my leg) is traveling around Detroit now.

Dr bee showed it to orthopedic surgeons and some other doctors and students yesterday and they all went crazy about it. Especially over the bifurcate ligaments. They asked her if they could keep it for a week to show other people.



oddly, the other foot i started dissecting on Tuesday was missing from the lab today.
i have to email dr bee to see if she took that one along with the other.
it wouldn't make sense, since it wasn't done- but it's the only explanation i can come up with.

over

My exams for the week are over.
Microbio lab last night was pretty good. I was one of the first ones done, which made me nervous, but I was talking to someone today about it and we put the same answers on the tricky ones, so that's hopeful.
Then my exam in contemporary issues in health care class wasn't too bad. A few things I should have looked over more, but overall it was okay.

Now I'm just off to the gym, then studying biochem with Tess until yoga tonight at 7 (assuming that Lynne isn't still sick). Might help Nathan study for anatomy after yoga. Not sure yet.

Biochem... wow.
This exam is twice as hard as the first one. He warned as the beginning of the semester that the 2nd and 3rd exams are brutal.
It's a week from today.
He gave us a study guide today in class...
A tad overwhelming...


anxiety is less today.
moods are still low.
still don't know why.


I have a new song on repeat. Nathan got me into it the other day.
Fireworks at dawn by senses fail (lexie- check it out!)

I'm tired and my left leg still hurts. but it's time for the gym.

at least i'm here.

so aside from the exciting foot thing-

I'm not in a good place emotionally today.


was really anxious this morning in biochem.
and after biochem. and while walking to the lab.
about nothing.
it was just the damn useless anxiety attacks that keep popping up.
so i coped how i cope best.
i'm over it.

then i don't know- at the gym, then at work.
i just felt... off.
really low.

saw Susan tonight.
talked about a lot.

near the end she said something like, "so when your niece died, of course you'll be more sensitive to things"

i stopped breathing.
and started crying.

at first i pictured avery or natalie dying- shocked she said that.
then i realized she was talking about Casey's baby, Jamie.
I hadn't put it in those words yet.
punch in the gut.



i don't know.

life... it hurts.

And it's not just Jamie's death.
There's everything else on top of that.


but Susan also said, "well, hallelujah that you're alive to feel all that you feel- no matter how raw it might be at times."


i guess i'm not feeling too safe tonight.
i need to cut. more than the pitiful little scratches from earlier.


i can't stop shaking.

feet

Dr Bee was so impressed by my foot dissection today she said she wanted to keep this foot until she retires.



I got to lab around noon, and Nathan and I ate lunch in the office, then I got the foot out and started poking around trying to figure out what i was looking at. Nathan helped me get started- It was daunting trying to figure out where the bifurcate ligaments were going to be. and some around the ankle just didn't look like the book. Nathan left around 1. I kept working at it- Finally around 215 I decided I was going to start over on another foot, so I put the man's foot off to the side and found the saw and cut off one of the woman's feet. It seemed harder to do today. Maybe because I did it by myself- I don't know. I'm surprised old lady bones weren't easier to saw through.
By the time I emerged out of the storage room with my new foot, Dr Bee was there. So I went and showed her the man's foot, about to tell her how I think I messed something up.
She started raving! "Oh, it's perfect, it's better than I hoped for!" She recognized all of the ligaments I thought I had found, so sure enough I got them all correctly. She said she was going to keep this foot forever and show it to all her students.
i must admit- that felt pretty darn good.

then i told her i had already cut off another foot. she said that was fine. she got my book out and showed me some other ligaments to look for in this one. There's a ligament that attaches to one of the cuniforms and either the 1st or 2nd metatarsel (she couldn't remember which one) and if that gets severed then the whole foot basically collapses. So I'm going to look for that one in the new foot.
I worked on hers for about an hour. The skin and muscle is pretty much all gone. I was getting to the point where I have to distigush between what's left of the tendons and the ligaments, and I have to focus harder. I had already been in lab for 3 hours, so I packed everything up and left.

I'll work on it Friday.

Sweeeeet!

I GET TO DO A FACIAL DISSECTION ON MY OWN!!!

More dissecting

Yesterday morning when I got to lab, Dr Bee said she was looking at my neck dissection and was impressed by it. She asked me to do the man's anterior forearm for her. I had never done a forearm, but I went at it and got all of the muscles and nerves out really well. I asked if I could try the hand- for practice- and she said I could dissect anything I wanted to. So I did the hand, after helping Lindsay find the radial nerve under his tricep, and ended up finding a structure that Dr Bee said most PT students can never find. Dr Bee was so excited about it and made other TAs come and look.
She kept on saying I should for sure be a pathologist or a surgeon.
She said she need a foot dissected out, to the level of the ligaments. She said she can never do a very good job, but that I should try it. So inbetween the two labs we rolled the male body back into the storage room, got a saw, and with Nathan holding the leg still, I sawed off the mans foot right above the ankle.
Never thought I'd ever do that!
I brought the foot out to the lab on a tray. I got a few weird, curious looks.
I went in the corner and cut away the skin, and then each layer of muscle. I went through so many blades- and i felt bad but Dr Bee said not to worry about it. She said it was an advanced dissection and if I felt the blade becoming dull at all, to go change it for a new one.
Dr Bee said if I mess anything up, it's not a problem. "We have a lot of feet in here"
I worked on the foot for a couple hours before I found a few ligaments. But then I had to leave for yoga.
I have to run an open lab tomorrow- so hopefully I can get there a little early and pull the foot out again. Or if it's slow, I can leave the rest up to the other TAs there and work on it. She needs it done by Tuesday, which I should be able to do.

Yesterday was seriously one of the coolest days of my life.
Everyone kept on laughing at me- they said I looked like a kid in a toy store or something.
I"m going to ask Dr Bee for more things I can dissect. She said I could do whatever I wanted to practice on, but I feel weird not asking her first. I want to try the fingers, maybe the face. Some of the TAs tried the face last year and they couldn't do it. Maybe if I try on my own, I can. I guess because the facial muscles are so thin, they tend to peel away with the skin.
It might be weird to work on a face, though.
With a foot or an arm- I can stay detached.
but a face?
We'll see.

little things

i overreacted in that last post.
my thoughts are dumb.
but it's what was going through my mind at the moment so i'm not deleting it.


little things have just been piling up on top of me the last few days... more and more.
tension was rising inside of me.
and tonight, my dad was the straw that broke the camels back.


so it's okay.
it needed to happen.
i needed a good cry.

now hopefully i can sleep.

rain on my parade

I'm sick and tired of my dad always raining on my parade. I've been trying SO hard to talk to him more. Because so many times I'll tell mom something, and she'll end up mentioning it to him and he'll ask her "why didn't she ever tell me that?" and be all sad about it. Then mom tells me this, and I feel guilty, so I figure I'll grow up and actually talk to my dad.

But he keeps reminding me why I stopped talking to him in the first place.
He's so negative! Is he capable of being happy for me? Is he capable of being proud of me? So far I haven't had any indication of that. I seemingly have a very disappointing unfruitful life. Someone has the be the disappointment in the family, though, right?

Tonight wasn't even a big deal. It just set me off. Little things from him set me off. Why? Because I've let my guard down. Because I'm trying to be an adult with him. I'm trying to let him in. Because I'm going against what I've done since I was 14 by actually trying to talk to him.


When I got home tonight, he was on the computer, and before I went upstairs I thought I'd share with him my awesome and exciting news.

I WENT RUNNING TODAY!!!!!
and it didn't hurt and everything felt AMAZING.

I new better than to tell him how much (an hour, total. but 20 of those minutes were walking), but I told him how awesome it felt to finally run again.

without even looking up at me he said "now, did your doctor and your "treatment team" tell you could do that. or was this your doing?"

i just stammered something along the lines of "no one would tell me when I could run again, so i decided to try it out to see how it felt... and it was fine"

"oh", is all he said. disappointment was dripping from his voice.

i ran upstairs.

"was this your doing"

seriously?
I'm so sorry dad that I have been completely complient with EVERYTHING that was thrown at me at Rogers and from Lisa and everyone else since I've been home. Hardly any restricting, no purging, no over exercising. NOTHING. So I'm oh so sorry that i went ahead and did something that I've missed so much for an incredibly long time and have been refraining from even though it insanely hard to and i miss it and just... everything.

heaven forbid i test myself.
heaven forbid i do what i enjoy.
heaven forbid i'm not 100% responsible all the time.
sorry i'm 22 years old and follow pretty much every rule ever put upon me.
oh, but i went running without "permission"
how dare i?

Running today felt amazing.
Maybe 40 minutes was too much. But you know what? My body felt strong. I didn't feel like I was overdoing it. I was watching out for any tweak or twinge. anything evidence of pain. any hint that maybe something wasn't right. if i had noticed ANYTHING, i would have stopped, no questions asked.
i haven't felt this strong in a long time.
i've been taking my calcium.
i've been doing workouts to help strengthen my bones.

who can blame me for testing it?
NO ONE will give me an answer as to when i can run. no matter how many times i ask.
so screw them.
they don't know anymore than i do, apparently.
and i know more than them because i know what my body feels like.
i know when something isn't right.

the difference is- now I'll actually pay attention and respect that and stop what i'm doing if i need to.

so was 40 minutes too long my first time back?
maybe.
did i get injured?
no.
will i run again soon?
yes.
but do i know enough not to run again tomorrow?
of course.


my dad is annoying me, more than anything.
this was just one more snide remark he made about something postive.
will he ever be able to not be negative?
what will he say to me when i graduate from college?
what about when i get my first "real job"
what about when i get married?
in his eyes, will i do anything right?

it's like he hasn't gotten over my "dark years" yet.
like he still sees me as his silent daughter dressed mostly in black with cuts and scars and bruises running up each leg and each arm. he's still embarrased by me? i'm still that disappointment who was too "lazy" to get through highschool "on time". (his words to me when i graduated from highschool: "it's about time.".... gee- thanks).

i'm too sensitive.
it was just about running.
his words shouldn't matter.
but he's still my father, and i'm still waiting for him to say he's proud of me.
and i'm getting tired of trying to have him be part of my life and working hard not to shut him out- only to keep getting knocked down.

i wasn't negative when he became a deacon. decided to retire early. decided to write a book, go back to school for the one millionth time, get the sub-teaching job, etc.

but- i become secretary for golden key. or i finally go running. or don't do things in the same order as my siblings. or whatever else i've done that he doesn't approve of and well... i just get to continue in the role of being the disappointment.

it's a role i should just get used to.

old thoughts

it feels weird packing my food for the day now. i used to have it figured out- a good way to spread out the exchanges- but now that it's reduced again, that doesn't work like it did.
with less food- i feel like i'm getting away with something. it's exciting.

yesterday was the first time in a long time that i wanted to get rid of what i ate. even though it was less food than i've had to eat lately, i still just wanted it out of me. i wanted to be empty. i didn't do anything stupid. but i wanted to.

i've wanted to restrict lately, too. well, part of me always wants that, but it's been a stronger feeling. i don't know if it's because of my MP decrease? if i look at what it is and think "we decreased it this much, why not keep decreasing it?"
that's messed up. i know that. and i haven't restricted.
i just want to at times.


mom's home from Ryann's. i haven't seen her yet. she got in around 3am and is still sleeping.

i think we're getting our biochem exams back today.
i really don't even want to know.
but it'll be good to get it over with so that i can move on.
i'm determined to get an A on the next one.
i'm studying a lot more on the new material. i'm not letting myself get behind.
i have to be able to do something right.

Lost

casey called me tonight. left a message. she said "i have something to tell you. call me back"
but from the sound of her voice- it sounded positive.
the first thing i thought was "ah! Caseys' pregnant!"
so i wasn't expecting to hear what she told me when i called her back.
she had been pregnant... she lost the baby today.
i need to give her a hug. i hate seattle... too far away.
she said she had finally started relaxing about it- because she was 7 weeks along and she thought she was going to be fine.
Then she ended up needing to go to the ER this afternoon.
Oh, Casey.
I feel so bad for her and Robert. She sounded so sad.
I asked if she named the baby. She said they were still thinking of a good unisex name. I told her that I named Ryann's (Jordan Leigh), but I can't remember if I ever told Ryann that.

I can tell the tears are coming. But it hasn't fully hit me yet.
It's just so sad. That tiny little person, just trying to grow big and strong so that he could come out and play. It doesn't seem fair. So innocent and helpless. There's another soul in Heaven today. Maybe he found his cousin, Jordan, and they're playing together now.

ok. the tears aren't stuck anymore.

i need to give casey a hug.

new plans

I woke up at 8am so that I could go to 9am Mass. But then I started studying biochem and decided to study until the 11am Mass.
I got through the TCA cycle in biochem and it made sense, so I switched over to microbio. I then realized it was after 11, and so I missed 11am Mass.
Luckily, there is a 1:30 Mass I can go to.

It's 11:30 and I've been studying nonstop since I've woken up.
My head feels full but I still have a lot to do.
I'm okay with biochem right now- I'm caught up with the reading and studying my notes up to where we are at. I could read ahead, but I have other things to do.
I have a micro exam tomorrow, so I need to really focus on this.
I wrote up all of my notes for staphylococcus. I need to do strep now... but I'm losing steam.
I have to leave for Mass at 1.
after Mass, I'll go to work for a couple hours. I haven't made it there this weekend yet.

I'm meeting up with Nathan, Jessica and Jakob at 6:30 for dinner.
after that, Nathan is coming over to my house to study, and if we have time, to practice yoga for a while.



I met with my dietician yesterday.
My weight hasn't changed (i still don't know the number)
so my MP is reduced AGAIN and my exercise is increased AGAIN.
how is my metabolism STILL dead?
she said some might be muscle, so to pay attention to how my clothes fit.
there hasn't been much change.
Nathan swears I'm smaller but I'm not. I can tell.
I'm going to try EXTERMELY hard to do exactly everything right. no slips whatsoever. i know I can't be that hard on myself- but i have to try. overall, i've been doing really well. but i could always do better. i need to do better.
I see Lisa again in a month.
I better have lost some weight.
this is getting really frustrating.


Okay... I'll study strep until noon. then I'll shower, and study until I have to leave.
That should work.

Another dissection.

Apparently, I'm an "expert" on dissecting the anterior neck? ha.

Last Friday, we had a dissection, and out of all 20 TAs, only Natalie and I showed up to do it. Which was fine.
We did a really good job, if I do say so myself. The back looked amazing and we found all of the neck structures and cleaned it up really well.

So then the sub- teacher on Thursday decides to flip the male cadaver onto his stomach and do a laminectomy. Um... okay. The spinal cord looks cool and all, but we did the ant. neck dissection on the male because he's the supine body for the semester... I guess Chris changed that.
Well, then we didn't have a supine body or a neck to see, so Dr. Bee this morning asked me to flip over the female cadaver and do that for her.
So the beautiful back muscles that we dissected out on Friday are now hidden because the female prone body is now supine.
I didn't complain. I got to dissect again, so fine.
Miguel said he would help me and I start right in, showing him where to cut and how far behind the ear to go. He'd never done this part of the body before. A few students start watching, which was weird because normally the TAs do the dissecting outside of the class period. I knew what I was doing, and what I was looking for because I had just done it a week ago, so I was moving pretty quickly. Kids were like "wow, you don't mess around!"
I found the common carotid a. and internal jugular v. and then CN X (vagus nerve) before Miguel was done with the sternoclidomastoid. He was having trouble finding the vessels and was afraid of cutting them so he had me do his side, too. he said, "andi, i need your expertise over here".
I showed students the submandibular gland as I cut it away, because we didn't need to keep it and they don't actually need to know about it. but i think it looks and feels cool, so i passed it around.
I cut down to the layrnx so they can see that. We ran out of blades though, and mine was so dull that it could be cleaned up a lot better, so hopefully we'll get new blades soon and i can do that next week.

Dr. Bee came over to see what I'd done and so did Dr. Forbes (who is the head of the bio department? i'm not really sure). she was pleased and dr forbes seemed impressed with my work.

i asked dr bee what she wanted to do about erector spinae and multifidus and splenius, etc. she said to try to get them out on the male body.
WHAT A MESS THAT WAS.
Chris destroyed so much muscle doing the laminectimy. splenius was shreaded, so was spinalis (which is understandable). but i couldn't even really get longissimus either. which is retarded. iliocostalis was okay, but that's all i could salvage.
So i reflected what was left of latissmus dorsi back and pulled the scapula more off to the side so that the students can see seratus anterior attaching at the medial border of the scapula, which looks cool.

so anyway.
last Friday's dissection was a waste of time (aside from the fact i had fun and learned more technique). but none of work is even being used and the students won't even be learning the back muscles on the bodies anymore because Chris went ahead and messed everything up.

but i really enjoyed myself today.
and it felt good to really know what i was doing and feel comfortable dissecting.
typically i'm unsure of myself and get scared. but not today.

i couldn't stop smiling afterwards.
nathan just laughed at me.

change in focus

I almost fell asleep in microbio today... oops.
I've never fallen asleep in a class before.
In between lecture and lab I went to the library and found an empty study room and turned the lights off and put my head down for 20 minutes. I don't think I fell asleep, but it helped to just lay there with my eyes closed.

i was okay during the lab.
the lab was really neat.
all of my streaking of the cultures are turning out really well. all of the tests i ran worked.

i don't like waking up at 5:30. especially when i was up super late because I started reading Breaking Dawn.

the morgue today was neat.
but that's the thing- that's all it was.
i didn't feel a tug or a drive in me screaming "that's what you're going to end up doing!!!" like i have previously.
i've been praying about this a lot. whether or not i should stop after my medical lab science degree, do an internship and then work, instead of going into grad school for pathology.
and today seemed to give me an answer.
yes, i find it fascinating, and that's great. but maybe it's not for me afterall.

and it got me thinking- maybe the reason why i was so attracted to pathology and so sure of myself was so that i'd switch my undergrad degree to MLS. because now that i'm in MLS, i don't know why i didn't think of doing this before. i really like it. i love my classes (except biochem...). i love my lab right now. working with bacteria and running tests and doing real med lab things.
i wouldn't have gone into this had it not been my interest in pathology.
and so now that i'm hooked on MLS, i guess thats why my desire to be an APA has diminshed.

would being an APA be awesome? yeah.
but so would working in a lab.

i'm not upset by my new realizations, either.
which is comforting.
i dont feel like i'm giving up on my dream just because of the list of reasons i've made lately against me being an APA.
i just feel like my dream has shifted.

which is okay.