"You keep yourself so tightly wound, it's about time you break"

I got up around 6:30 this morning to study a little bit before the midterm.  I felt okay about it.  I was slightly too numb and overwhelmed to care.  I mean- after yesterday I have bigger things to worry about than a stupid midterm.  I drove to campus with Saosin blaring to drown out my thoughts.  As I was walking into the building I started shaking and was having trouble breathing.  I knew I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack, but I kept telling myself it wasn't true and that I would be fine, and that this feeling wasn't really the beginning of a panic attack, even though I knew full well that it was.  By the time I got to the classroom I was uncontrollably shaking.  I put my backpack down and sat next to Jayme and she asked how I was.  Without even looking at her, I said "I'm about to have a panic attack".  She grabbed my arm and pulled me into the hallway and I just lost it.  Right there in the hallway in front of who knows who.  Probably PT students we don't know- whatever.  But yeah.  She kept trying to calm me down, asked if I wanted a xanax since she has plenty (lol) but I said I never have taken that and i didn't want to risk it.  Our prof went to see where we were and saw me on the floor.  She asked if I was okay and Jayme said I was having a panic attack and my prof asked me if it was due to the midterm or if it was something else.  I said something else and she put her hand on my knee and commented on how badly I was shaking.  She said I could take the exam later when I calmed down.  I called Nathan but could only talk to him for a few minutes because he had to leave for work.

A little while later i went into our profs' offices (they're conjoined) to tell Dr R that I couldn't TA today because "I'm not doing too well".  She said "yeah, I heard through the grape-vine".   I just kind of stood there zoned out for a second so then I figured i should probably offer some sort of explanation.  So I did and dr R said "yeah, that's a bit traumatic" and then i said "yeah, and now i keep going between feeling utterly numb to uncontrollably shaking and crying".  I asked when I needed to take the midterm by and she said not to worry about that and that they'll figure it out later, that i should just go home and take it easy.  but i told her about the presentation i have to give tonight.  i planned on skipping molecular pathology lecture- dr R basically told me to- but then after talking to Jayme i decided i needed the distraction.  plus i didn't want to drive the 30 minutes back home, only to have to explain to my parents why i came home, and then have to drive 30 minutes back to give that stupid presentation.  So i'm here. hanging out.  completely numb.  I rubbed my knuckles against the brick walls so they're all bloody now.  i dont' have anything sharp so i had to make due.  Dr R asked if what happened to my hand was from the accident.  i laughed and said "no.  i did that.  i needed a distraction to calm down".  she already knows i'm bipolar, so i'm pretty sure she understood that and understood why i was so susceptible to the panic.  my emotions just get heightened... everything is more extreme than it should be. 

i'm glad we know our professors so well, and that they know us.  if i had been in a huge lecture hall, the prof wouldn't have known me and wouldn't know my history and would have made me take it.

I'm so tired. I barely slept last night and then got up early to study.  i'm afraid of more caffeine because i dont' want any other cause of shakiness.  I've barely eaten today but i'm just not hungry.  and when i do start feeling hungry, i'm too numb to care.  i barely ate yesterday, either.  and not even for an eating disordered reason.  i'm just simply too numb to feel hunger.  or to care if i do.
Im in this constant state of detachment.  Until of course, I think about things to much and start crying.

Jayme and I still haven't even gone through our presentation together to figure out if it's long enough.  she wants to do that at the gym after she gets out of mycology lecture- but even though i have my gym stuff with me, there's no way i can go.  1, i'm way too tired.  2, i dont want to raise my heart-rate because it reminds me of panic attacks which tends to lead to another one. 3, I've barely eaten for 2 days and so i don't think my body would appreciate it, and 4, i need to just sit down and focus on it and not have a lot of other things going on.

i wish nathan wasn't working today.  he usually doesn't work Wednesdays.  I could have just gone to his house which is a shorter drive than my house and hung out with him all day.  I though about just going there and hanging out in his room by  myself but i dont even think his parents are home today so i wouldn't be able to get in.  i'm stuck here for another 5 hours with no good place to go.  TAing usually takes up at least 3 hours, but i'm in no way able to do that today.

the good thing is, is that maybe i'll be so numb when we give our presentation that i won't even have teh chance to be nervous.
on the flip side- feeling anxious might set off a bad series of events that will cause me to run out of the room.

either way, i can't wait for today to be over so i can go home and do nothing.
or i'll go to nathan's and sit there quietly with him as he studies.  just so that i'm not alone.


(title: lyrics to "keep secrets" by Saosin)