I'm not really sure how I"m doing. I feel more traumatized than I should be. But how much of how I'm handling things can I control? Nathan and I ran errands today. We took my car but I made him drive. We had to take the same road that I was forced off of and I can't handle driving on it right now. I was shaking the whole time we were on it. We were doing wedding stuff today and going out to dinner and Nathan kept commenting that I wasn't even trying to pretend to be happy. I don't think he realized how much it was bothering me, which I didn't blame him for- I didn't let him know. When we had finished one of our errands and were on our way to grab some dinner before we finished the other one I curled up in a ball in the seat. Nathan asked what was wrong and I said I wasn't feel right. That I couldn't explain it but I was just upset and really anxious. I was shaking really badly when we sat down for dinner. I wasn't hungry but I made myself eat. He mentioned how he agrees with my mom that I need to ask my psychiatrist for something for the anxiety. I told him I didn't want to be that patient that goes in and says "i'm anxious, give me drugs". But he reassured me that's not how it would be. That all I needed to ask for is a few of them for when it gets bad, not a 30 day supply. He said "Andi, you've been having multiple panic attacks and you've been really anxious all week. You're not doing well, and asking for help is not a drug seeking behavior".
I finally agreed with him. Especially because I can't keep turning to self-injury to calm me down. He looked at my knuckles and frowned. I never told him about my thigh...
I still can't help feel that I'm overreacting. My therapist on Thursday tried reassuring me that I wasn't. And that the fear and stress and anxiety can last for awhile. Plus I won't know about my lab results until the 24th so I won't have any closure with that for a couple of weeks.
Plus, it doesn't help that my emotions and reactions to things are amplified. And that stress can spark a change in the bipolar, which it clearly did.
I asked Nathan "how can I be numb, yet anxious at the same time". He said "you're talented."
ok. enough stalling. i need to go to bed.
(title: lyrics to "Collapse" by saosin)
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1 comment:
i agree with Nathan and your therapist. I do not feel like you are over reacting at all. what you went through lately, in addition to the dr. appt and life in general.... is a lot. Most people (bipoloar or not, eating disordered or not, anxious or not) would be reacting this way. Really. You are not over reacting. So don't judge yourself, kay? :)
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