out

i can't stand being home with both of my parents here.

i have to get out of here.

Dumb alarm.

so my alarm didn't go off this morning. so i missed biochem.
i called tess. she'll pick up the notes for me. she said he didn't have the tests to give back yet, so at least i didn't miss that.

i hate when things like this happen.

i guess i should be happy that i got a couple hours of extra sleep.
my body needs that right now.

...

I need to feel numb.

spiked

finally fell asleep around 3 and didn't wake up until my alarm went off at 9.
thank you, rozerem.

went to the gym today to get a workout with this stupid monitor on.
got my heart to spike to 186.

i can almost take this stupid thing off.
almost.

now i'm off to micro.
woohoo.

hurry up, morning

holy.cow.

anxious much?

i haven't been able to sleep well tonight.
have been in and out of sleep.

whenever i think about falling asleep it gets harder to breathe.

i woke up a few minutes ago, panicky.
i can't wait until the night is over and i can 'wake up'.
i thought it must at least be 4am.
i looked, and it was only 130.
i groaned.
i wanted to scream.

TONIGHT NEEDS TO END, NOW!

i needed to just get up.
i took rozerem.
i wanted to take more than one.
i'm so desperate to fall sound asleep so that i'm numb to everything

but i didnt- i only took one.
then quickly left my room so that i wouldn't be tempted.
i'll play freecell for awhile.
freecell is always relaxing to me.

oh my gosh
i'm shaking.
i feel like i'm going to throw up.
it seriously needs to be morning.
5 minutes ago.

not that i'll necessarily feel better in the morning, but at least i can get up and not think about sleeping.

i'm so tired.
i only got 3 hours of sleep last night.

i hate my body.
in every possible way.

my mind keeps screaming at me, "YOUR BODY DOESN'T DESERVE FOOD. DENY IT. DENY IT OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!"

oh how i want to listen to that.

always tomorrow.

the whole scheduling thing isn't that big of a mess after all. i could just take mls 450 instead (an ethics class) but OU is brilliant and set it up so that only juniors can take it, not juniors and up. so i can't actually sign up for it.
but i see dr R tomorrow for micro, so i'll ask her what i should do. she'll sign me in to 450. i'm sure that won't be a problem.
it might be nice to get it out of the way.


i'm so tired.
not sure why i'm still awake.



i'm so itchy.
between the heart monitor starting to itch and the scabs being in that stupid itchy-healing phase.
i feel like i got attacked by mosquitos or something.


therapy was well timed tonight.
i didn't cry as much as i felt i needed to. in fact, i hardly did at all.
but... i just needed that today.
moods are still low.
cutting urges still really high. i didn't have anything with me today, though, so the fact i didn't cut isn't saying THAT much.
eating wasnt' the greatest today, either.
under with everything.

tomorrow is a new day, though.

maybe tomorrow will be brighter.

wired up

went to the dr today.
had an ekg, which was normal.
had an ultrasound of my heart, don't know what the results are.
and now im wired up to a 24 hr heart monitor.

i'm just paranoid that nothing is going to show up.
just like it was for years before my very first positive test result 2 years ago. (HLA-DQ6 gene!)

i know something is weird with my heart.

my heart rate got up to 182 earlier today during my workout.
i wasn't even sweating yet.

but, it'll just be my luck that my heart will be fine.



i just got an email from my prof about my parasitology class and lab for next semester.
MLS 335 Class Announcements,

1) If you are an MLS major, then you need to take MLS 335 and MLS 336 (Lab) together. If you have not signed up for a Lab section,
you need to do so quickly.

2) If your specialization is CLS, then you should be taking MLS 335 and MLS 336 during the Winter semester of your Senior year. If
you are only a Junior, you should drop the class and take it next Winter.

So... i am a senior, but i'm not in last year... but i'm not a junior.
and i'm following the course plan and it's saying in my junior year to take 335 and 336.

and i don't have the energy- mentally or emotionally or physically, for that matter (only 3 hours of sleep...), to figure out my entire schedule over again.

i hate scheduling.


i hate me, too.

done

the exam wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be.
there were still a lot i guessed on, but i knew the majority of it.
so that's good.

i have an appt. w. a dr tomorrow afternoon.
it's not my usual dr... he didn't have openings until november 11th.
so i have some other weird guy i haven't heard of...
hopefully he's okay.

i have an hour until my lab. and nothing to study.
i was going to go to the rec, but Dr R pulled me aside after the exam and told me i hadn't signed up for parasitology lab. It wasn't on the course plan, so i hadn't known about it.
so i'm in the health sciences computer lab, and i pulled up the list, and there are two sections of the lab- one is at 230 and one is at 4. I'm going to have immunology at 4, and there was only ONE spot left for the 230 lab.
THANK GOODNESS i got it before it was filled.
so i'm at full time without needing to TA for credit. that makes a lot more sense. i couldn't figure out why their course plan would only include 11 credits for a semester.

i'll just go to the rec after lab tonight.
i don't feel like doing that now.
watch- tonight we stay the entire 2 hours.
that would suck.


wow... this computer lab is 90 degrees or something.

my snack is in my car, along with my backpack and books and everything else.
so... i guess i'll go get that and then maybe start reading my new book.

heart

i am so screwed for my micro exam.
i should have studied more yesterday but i didn't have time.
i have 2 hours before i have to leave... but i need a break.

mom thinks i should go to the dr and get my heart checked out.
it's still being weird.
and when i workout-- it's annoying.
i'm ready to increase resistance and intensity with everything i'm currently doing. i'm strong enough to make things harder. but when i do, my heart rate goes up into the 170s and feels likes its going to explode, so i have to back off. so all of my workouts feel pointless. i have to stay at wimpy levels and wimpy speeds just to keep my heart rate in a somewhat normal range. so i don't get tired, or out of breath or sweaty, because i'm hardly doing anything.
i don't even try bike riding anymore. my heart rate always goes up to 175 just during a warmup.
even just walking up a flight of stairs, i get out of breath and my heart is pounding. seriously unnecessary.

it's annoying.
no wonder increasing the exercise isn't doing me any good, weight loss wise. i'm not even doing anything when i do exercise. i might as well just sit there.

i dont want to go to the dr though.
i'm sick of drs and appts.
and i dont want to be one of those people who run to the dr at any little sign or symptom of anything.

mom pointed out that it's been going on for a long time, though.

true.

i don't know.

why can't my body just cooperate with me?
why is there always a battle?

catch up

i need a weekend where I'm not doing anything.

i need a weekend so that i can catch up.

i don't foresee one coming up anytime soon...

one step back

since rozerem hasn't kicked in yet... i might as well write more.

I felt better today than yesterday- which was good because I was able to get really productive studying in. and because feeling like shit sucks, so it's nice to not feel that way.
but today still wasn't the greatest...

Yesterday was really rough.
Bad depression and anxiety again.
To the point where I ran to my room and curled up in a ball shaking and crying.
Ended up cutting. Which i'm not proud of, but I'm not beating myself up over it either. I did what I needed to do to get me through. It kind of worries me that I'm not more upset over that fact. I don't like that going to that option is all of a sudden okay to me again. I doubt it'll go back to the way it used to be years ago, but still, I seem to be closer to that mindset than a healthy one.
I also seem closer to the same moods as all those years ago. with the dark feelings and the anxiety attacks and everything popping up lately.

I have an appt. with dr H on Friday. I'm torn on what to tell her.
I don't want her to freak out about the "relapse" like she has in the past. I don't want her "don't cut yourself" lecture again. I don't want new meds. I don't want a change in meds. i'm sick of meds. completely sick of them, and i like that the ones i'm on don't have side effects and for the most part have kept me stable.
she's not one to push meds, either. at least not huge combinations of them. i'm on only one thing for the bipolar, and i like it that way. so does she.
So i don't know what to really say.
i'm sure i'll end up telling her everything, since i've been learning to be honest about everything.
i emailed lisa a couple days ago to tell her i haven't been doing as well as i was, to get some feedback of things i could maybe change to make it easier. she helps a lot. she's very supportive and not judgemental or anything. she thanked me for being honest with my struggles and so now i'm back to emailing her my food logs.


i feel so strange.
to be back to where i once was.
low moods, high anxiety, hard time eating, cutting.

i know i'm not all the way back to where i used to be.
i've made a lot of progress and i'm not going to let this derail me with anything.
but it still feels weird to fall this far backwards.

but at the same time, it doesn't feel weird.
it feels familiar.
i've been here before.
i know how it goes.

biochemistry...

I've been studying biochem all day. and all yesterday (as much as i could manage in the state of mind i was in...), and all last weekend and last week... etc.

This morning I woke up at 8 and did some things then started studying. i had my mom quiz me for 2 1/2 hours. then i went to the library and studied with Tess. i had microbio lecture, studied for 45 minutes, had microbio lab, came home, ate dinner, gave myself a 30 minute break then went up in my room and studied until 9. called Tess and we quized each other for another hour.

i know the things that i need to look over more. i have it narrowed down to what i don't fully know yet.

i'm afraid those few things are going to be what he asks us.

i have a few things that i'm PRAYING are his short answer questions. my luck, they won't be... but i'm hoping.

i'm going to get up around 6 to study because i'm all studied out tonight to go over the rest of what i need to go over.
i'm meeting up with Tess and Casey tomorrow at 8, and our exam is at 10.

-deep breath-

i feel more prepared than i did yesterday.
having mom and tess quiz me, and having to say things outloud makes a big difference.

there are a few things we think are mistakes in the notes our prof gave us. but he's out of town all week and we can't ask him because he won't be back until Monday.
great, right?


oh. and then i found out i have a micro exam on Monday.
and i haven't started studying for that yet because i've been ignoring everything that isn't biochem.
that's not good.

i hate not keeping up with things and studying at the last minute.
i normally don't do that- but for this micro exam... that's what it's going to end up being.

i need to go to bed. it's after midnight but my mind is racing.
i took rozerem a few minutes ago... i'm waiting for that to kick in...

hopefully soon.

crash

What's with these damn moods of mine?
Why do I have to wake up to darkness?
Why do the colors have to disappear?
Why does my heart beat out of my chest?
Why do I shake so badly?

Why do I crave pain?


I'm tired of feeling this way.
I'm tired of having things to do and not being able to muster up the strength to do them.
Just getting out of bed. Just getting dressed. Just doing any simple everyday task is so draining. I don't even want to leave the house. I need to. Eventually today, I need to. I have things to do. I'm an adult. I have responsibilities.

But all I feel capable of doing right now is crawling back into bed, pulling my blankets up over my head and crying until I fall back to sleep.
That, and maybe cutting first.

I hate feeling this way.
It makes me feel guilty.
I have no reason to feel this way.
None at all.

Except that my brain is retarded and likes to decide my moods for me.
stupid brain.
maybe i can trade brains with one from the lab.

No one would notice, right?




i hate today.

PPP

i rock at the pentose phosphate pathway.

take that, biochem!

too bad that's only 1 of 8 chapters...

Productive?

coffeeeeeeeeeee.

i'm waiting for it to kick in.
it might be a double provigil day.

i'm hoping on having a productive day.

decided to go to work before Mass, and then go to the 1:30 Mass.
Should get home by 3, and then I'll have the rest of the day to study.
probably won't get a workout in, but i guess that's okay... i've gotten in my time allowed for week. doesn't seem like enough to me. i need to email lisa again. maybe i'll do that this afternoon.


i'm getting frustrated with myself.


oh, the missing foot- dr Bee emailed me back and she took it. that made me feel better. i'm responsible for that foot- if it goes missing it's my problem to deal with. I don't like dealing with extra problems.
Especially since the anatomy lab is under a microscope right now because of the stupid new medical school OU is building.
lame.


Oook. time for work.
yuck.
i'm too tired still.



I hope biochem makes sense for me today.
the thing is- it makes sense- there is just way too much, and way too much detail.

but. that's science at a college level, what else should i expect?

feet

my foot (that i dissected- not one of the ones still attached to my leg) is traveling around Detroit now.

Dr bee showed it to orthopedic surgeons and some other doctors and students yesterday and they all went crazy about it. Especially over the bifurcate ligaments. They asked her if they could keep it for a week to show other people.



oddly, the other foot i started dissecting on Tuesday was missing from the lab today.
i have to email dr bee to see if she took that one along with the other.
it wouldn't make sense, since it wasn't done- but it's the only explanation i can come up with.

over

My exams for the week are over.
Microbio lab last night was pretty good. I was one of the first ones done, which made me nervous, but I was talking to someone today about it and we put the same answers on the tricky ones, so that's hopeful.
Then my exam in contemporary issues in health care class wasn't too bad. A few things I should have looked over more, but overall it was okay.

Now I'm just off to the gym, then studying biochem with Tess until yoga tonight at 7 (assuming that Lynne isn't still sick). Might help Nathan study for anatomy after yoga. Not sure yet.

Biochem... wow.
This exam is twice as hard as the first one. He warned as the beginning of the semester that the 2nd and 3rd exams are brutal.
It's a week from today.
He gave us a study guide today in class...
A tad overwhelming...


anxiety is less today.
moods are still low.
still don't know why.


I have a new song on repeat. Nathan got me into it the other day.
Fireworks at dawn by senses fail (lexie- check it out!)

I'm tired and my left leg still hurts. but it's time for the gym.

at least i'm here.

so aside from the exciting foot thing-

I'm not in a good place emotionally today.


was really anxious this morning in biochem.
and after biochem. and while walking to the lab.
about nothing.
it was just the damn useless anxiety attacks that keep popping up.
so i coped how i cope best.
i'm over it.

then i don't know- at the gym, then at work.
i just felt... off.
really low.

saw Susan tonight.
talked about a lot.

near the end she said something like, "so when your niece died, of course you'll be more sensitive to things"

i stopped breathing.
and started crying.

at first i pictured avery or natalie dying- shocked she said that.
then i realized she was talking about Casey's baby, Jamie.
I hadn't put it in those words yet.
punch in the gut.



i don't know.

life... it hurts.

And it's not just Jamie's death.
There's everything else on top of that.


but Susan also said, "well, hallelujah that you're alive to feel all that you feel- no matter how raw it might be at times."


i guess i'm not feeling too safe tonight.
i need to cut. more than the pitiful little scratches from earlier.


i can't stop shaking.

feet

Dr Bee was so impressed by my foot dissection today she said she wanted to keep this foot until she retires.



I got to lab around noon, and Nathan and I ate lunch in the office, then I got the foot out and started poking around trying to figure out what i was looking at. Nathan helped me get started- It was daunting trying to figure out where the bifurcate ligaments were going to be. and some around the ankle just didn't look like the book. Nathan left around 1. I kept working at it- Finally around 215 I decided I was going to start over on another foot, so I put the man's foot off to the side and found the saw and cut off one of the woman's feet. It seemed harder to do today. Maybe because I did it by myself- I don't know. I'm surprised old lady bones weren't easier to saw through.
By the time I emerged out of the storage room with my new foot, Dr Bee was there. So I went and showed her the man's foot, about to tell her how I think I messed something up.
She started raving! "Oh, it's perfect, it's better than I hoped for!" She recognized all of the ligaments I thought I had found, so sure enough I got them all correctly. She said she was going to keep this foot forever and show it to all her students.
i must admit- that felt pretty darn good.

then i told her i had already cut off another foot. she said that was fine. she got my book out and showed me some other ligaments to look for in this one. There's a ligament that attaches to one of the cuniforms and either the 1st or 2nd metatarsel (she couldn't remember which one) and if that gets severed then the whole foot basically collapses. So I'm going to look for that one in the new foot.
I worked on hers for about an hour. The skin and muscle is pretty much all gone. I was getting to the point where I have to distigush between what's left of the tendons and the ligaments, and I have to focus harder. I had already been in lab for 3 hours, so I packed everything up and left.

I'll work on it Friday.

Sweeeeet!

I GET TO DO A FACIAL DISSECTION ON MY OWN!!!

More dissecting

Yesterday morning when I got to lab, Dr Bee said she was looking at my neck dissection and was impressed by it. She asked me to do the man's anterior forearm for her. I had never done a forearm, but I went at it and got all of the muscles and nerves out really well. I asked if I could try the hand- for practice- and she said I could dissect anything I wanted to. So I did the hand, after helping Lindsay find the radial nerve under his tricep, and ended up finding a structure that Dr Bee said most PT students can never find. Dr Bee was so excited about it and made other TAs come and look.
She kept on saying I should for sure be a pathologist or a surgeon.
She said she need a foot dissected out, to the level of the ligaments. She said she can never do a very good job, but that I should try it. So inbetween the two labs we rolled the male body back into the storage room, got a saw, and with Nathan holding the leg still, I sawed off the mans foot right above the ankle.
Never thought I'd ever do that!
I brought the foot out to the lab on a tray. I got a few weird, curious looks.
I went in the corner and cut away the skin, and then each layer of muscle. I went through so many blades- and i felt bad but Dr Bee said not to worry about it. She said it was an advanced dissection and if I felt the blade becoming dull at all, to go change it for a new one.
Dr Bee said if I mess anything up, it's not a problem. "We have a lot of feet in here"
I worked on the foot for a couple hours before I found a few ligaments. But then I had to leave for yoga.
I have to run an open lab tomorrow- so hopefully I can get there a little early and pull the foot out again. Or if it's slow, I can leave the rest up to the other TAs there and work on it. She needs it done by Tuesday, which I should be able to do.

Yesterday was seriously one of the coolest days of my life.
Everyone kept on laughing at me- they said I looked like a kid in a toy store or something.
I"m going to ask Dr Bee for more things I can dissect. She said I could do whatever I wanted to practice on, but I feel weird not asking her first. I want to try the fingers, maybe the face. Some of the TAs tried the face last year and they couldn't do it. Maybe if I try on my own, I can. I guess because the facial muscles are so thin, they tend to peel away with the skin.
It might be weird to work on a face, though.
With a foot or an arm- I can stay detached.
but a face?
We'll see.

little things

i overreacted in that last post.
my thoughts are dumb.
but it's what was going through my mind at the moment so i'm not deleting it.


little things have just been piling up on top of me the last few days... more and more.
tension was rising inside of me.
and tonight, my dad was the straw that broke the camels back.


so it's okay.
it needed to happen.
i needed a good cry.

now hopefully i can sleep.

rain on my parade

I'm sick and tired of my dad always raining on my parade. I've been trying SO hard to talk to him more. Because so many times I'll tell mom something, and she'll end up mentioning it to him and he'll ask her "why didn't she ever tell me that?" and be all sad about it. Then mom tells me this, and I feel guilty, so I figure I'll grow up and actually talk to my dad.

But he keeps reminding me why I stopped talking to him in the first place.
He's so negative! Is he capable of being happy for me? Is he capable of being proud of me? So far I haven't had any indication of that. I seemingly have a very disappointing unfruitful life. Someone has the be the disappointment in the family, though, right?

Tonight wasn't even a big deal. It just set me off. Little things from him set me off. Why? Because I've let my guard down. Because I'm trying to be an adult with him. I'm trying to let him in. Because I'm going against what I've done since I was 14 by actually trying to talk to him.


When I got home tonight, he was on the computer, and before I went upstairs I thought I'd share with him my awesome and exciting news.

I WENT RUNNING TODAY!!!!!
and it didn't hurt and everything felt AMAZING.

I new better than to tell him how much (an hour, total. but 20 of those minutes were walking), but I told him how awesome it felt to finally run again.

without even looking up at me he said "now, did your doctor and your "treatment team" tell you could do that. or was this your doing?"

i just stammered something along the lines of "no one would tell me when I could run again, so i decided to try it out to see how it felt... and it was fine"

"oh", is all he said. disappointment was dripping from his voice.

i ran upstairs.

"was this your doing"

seriously?
I'm so sorry dad that I have been completely complient with EVERYTHING that was thrown at me at Rogers and from Lisa and everyone else since I've been home. Hardly any restricting, no purging, no over exercising. NOTHING. So I'm oh so sorry that i went ahead and did something that I've missed so much for an incredibly long time and have been refraining from even though it insanely hard to and i miss it and just... everything.

heaven forbid i test myself.
heaven forbid i do what i enjoy.
heaven forbid i'm not 100% responsible all the time.
sorry i'm 22 years old and follow pretty much every rule ever put upon me.
oh, but i went running without "permission"
how dare i?

Running today felt amazing.
Maybe 40 minutes was too much. But you know what? My body felt strong. I didn't feel like I was overdoing it. I was watching out for any tweak or twinge. anything evidence of pain. any hint that maybe something wasn't right. if i had noticed ANYTHING, i would have stopped, no questions asked.
i haven't felt this strong in a long time.
i've been taking my calcium.
i've been doing workouts to help strengthen my bones.

who can blame me for testing it?
NO ONE will give me an answer as to when i can run. no matter how many times i ask.
so screw them.
they don't know anymore than i do, apparently.
and i know more than them because i know what my body feels like.
i know when something isn't right.

the difference is- now I'll actually pay attention and respect that and stop what i'm doing if i need to.

so was 40 minutes too long my first time back?
maybe.
did i get injured?
no.
will i run again soon?
yes.
but do i know enough not to run again tomorrow?
of course.


my dad is annoying me, more than anything.
this was just one more snide remark he made about something postive.
will he ever be able to not be negative?
what will he say to me when i graduate from college?
what about when i get my first "real job"
what about when i get married?
in his eyes, will i do anything right?

it's like he hasn't gotten over my "dark years" yet.
like he still sees me as his silent daughter dressed mostly in black with cuts and scars and bruises running up each leg and each arm. he's still embarrased by me? i'm still that disappointment who was too "lazy" to get through highschool "on time". (his words to me when i graduated from highschool: "it's about time.".... gee- thanks).

i'm too sensitive.
it was just about running.
his words shouldn't matter.
but he's still my father, and i'm still waiting for him to say he's proud of me.
and i'm getting tired of trying to have him be part of my life and working hard not to shut him out- only to keep getting knocked down.

i wasn't negative when he became a deacon. decided to retire early. decided to write a book, go back to school for the one millionth time, get the sub-teaching job, etc.

but- i become secretary for golden key. or i finally go running. or don't do things in the same order as my siblings. or whatever else i've done that he doesn't approve of and well... i just get to continue in the role of being the disappointment.

it's a role i should just get used to.

old thoughts

it feels weird packing my food for the day now. i used to have it figured out- a good way to spread out the exchanges- but now that it's reduced again, that doesn't work like it did.
with less food- i feel like i'm getting away with something. it's exciting.

yesterday was the first time in a long time that i wanted to get rid of what i ate. even though it was less food than i've had to eat lately, i still just wanted it out of me. i wanted to be empty. i didn't do anything stupid. but i wanted to.

i've wanted to restrict lately, too. well, part of me always wants that, but it's been a stronger feeling. i don't know if it's because of my MP decrease? if i look at what it is and think "we decreased it this much, why not keep decreasing it?"
that's messed up. i know that. and i haven't restricted.
i just want to at times.


mom's home from Ryann's. i haven't seen her yet. she got in around 3am and is still sleeping.

i think we're getting our biochem exams back today.
i really don't even want to know.
but it'll be good to get it over with so that i can move on.
i'm determined to get an A on the next one.
i'm studying a lot more on the new material. i'm not letting myself get behind.
i have to be able to do something right.

Lost

casey called me tonight. left a message. she said "i have something to tell you. call me back"
but from the sound of her voice- it sounded positive.
the first thing i thought was "ah! Caseys' pregnant!"
so i wasn't expecting to hear what she told me when i called her back.
she had been pregnant... she lost the baby today.
i need to give her a hug. i hate seattle... too far away.
she said she had finally started relaxing about it- because she was 7 weeks along and she thought she was going to be fine.
Then she ended up needing to go to the ER this afternoon.
Oh, Casey.
I feel so bad for her and Robert. She sounded so sad.
I asked if she named the baby. She said they were still thinking of a good unisex name. I told her that I named Ryann's (Jordan Leigh), but I can't remember if I ever told Ryann that.

I can tell the tears are coming. But it hasn't fully hit me yet.
It's just so sad. That tiny little person, just trying to grow big and strong so that he could come out and play. It doesn't seem fair. So innocent and helpless. There's another soul in Heaven today. Maybe he found his cousin, Jordan, and they're playing together now.

ok. the tears aren't stuck anymore.

i need to give casey a hug.

new plans

I woke up at 8am so that I could go to 9am Mass. But then I started studying biochem and decided to study until the 11am Mass.
I got through the TCA cycle in biochem and it made sense, so I switched over to microbio. I then realized it was after 11, and so I missed 11am Mass.
Luckily, there is a 1:30 Mass I can go to.

It's 11:30 and I've been studying nonstop since I've woken up.
My head feels full but I still have a lot to do.
I'm okay with biochem right now- I'm caught up with the reading and studying my notes up to where we are at. I could read ahead, but I have other things to do.
I have a micro exam tomorrow, so I need to really focus on this.
I wrote up all of my notes for staphylococcus. I need to do strep now... but I'm losing steam.
I have to leave for Mass at 1.
after Mass, I'll go to work for a couple hours. I haven't made it there this weekend yet.

I'm meeting up with Nathan, Jessica and Jakob at 6:30 for dinner.
after that, Nathan is coming over to my house to study, and if we have time, to practice yoga for a while.



I met with my dietician yesterday.
My weight hasn't changed (i still don't know the number)
so my MP is reduced AGAIN and my exercise is increased AGAIN.
how is my metabolism STILL dead?
she said some might be muscle, so to pay attention to how my clothes fit.
there hasn't been much change.
Nathan swears I'm smaller but I'm not. I can tell.
I'm going to try EXTERMELY hard to do exactly everything right. no slips whatsoever. i know I can't be that hard on myself- but i have to try. overall, i've been doing really well. but i could always do better. i need to do better.
I see Lisa again in a month.
I better have lost some weight.
this is getting really frustrating.


Okay... I'll study strep until noon. then I'll shower, and study until I have to leave.
That should work.

Another dissection.

Apparently, I'm an "expert" on dissecting the anterior neck? ha.

Last Friday, we had a dissection, and out of all 20 TAs, only Natalie and I showed up to do it. Which was fine.
We did a really good job, if I do say so myself. The back looked amazing and we found all of the neck structures and cleaned it up really well.

So then the sub- teacher on Thursday decides to flip the male cadaver onto his stomach and do a laminectomy. Um... okay. The spinal cord looks cool and all, but we did the ant. neck dissection on the male because he's the supine body for the semester... I guess Chris changed that.
Well, then we didn't have a supine body or a neck to see, so Dr. Bee this morning asked me to flip over the female cadaver and do that for her.
So the beautiful back muscles that we dissected out on Friday are now hidden because the female prone body is now supine.
I didn't complain. I got to dissect again, so fine.
Miguel said he would help me and I start right in, showing him where to cut and how far behind the ear to go. He'd never done this part of the body before. A few students start watching, which was weird because normally the TAs do the dissecting outside of the class period. I knew what I was doing, and what I was looking for because I had just done it a week ago, so I was moving pretty quickly. Kids were like "wow, you don't mess around!"
I found the common carotid a. and internal jugular v. and then CN X (vagus nerve) before Miguel was done with the sternoclidomastoid. He was having trouble finding the vessels and was afraid of cutting them so he had me do his side, too. he said, "andi, i need your expertise over here".
I showed students the submandibular gland as I cut it away, because we didn't need to keep it and they don't actually need to know about it. but i think it looks and feels cool, so i passed it around.
I cut down to the layrnx so they can see that. We ran out of blades though, and mine was so dull that it could be cleaned up a lot better, so hopefully we'll get new blades soon and i can do that next week.

Dr. Bee came over to see what I'd done and so did Dr. Forbes (who is the head of the bio department? i'm not really sure). she was pleased and dr forbes seemed impressed with my work.

i asked dr bee what she wanted to do about erector spinae and multifidus and splenius, etc. she said to try to get them out on the male body.
WHAT A MESS THAT WAS.
Chris destroyed so much muscle doing the laminectimy. splenius was shreaded, so was spinalis (which is understandable). but i couldn't even really get longissimus either. which is retarded. iliocostalis was okay, but that's all i could salvage.
So i reflected what was left of latissmus dorsi back and pulled the scapula more off to the side so that the students can see seratus anterior attaching at the medial border of the scapula, which looks cool.

so anyway.
last Friday's dissection was a waste of time (aside from the fact i had fun and learned more technique). but none of work is even being used and the students won't even be learning the back muscles on the bodies anymore because Chris went ahead and messed everything up.

but i really enjoyed myself today.
and it felt good to really know what i was doing and feel comfortable dissecting.
typically i'm unsure of myself and get scared. but not today.

i couldn't stop smiling afterwards.
nathan just laughed at me.

change in focus

I almost fell asleep in microbio today... oops.
I've never fallen asleep in a class before.
In between lecture and lab I went to the library and found an empty study room and turned the lights off and put my head down for 20 minutes. I don't think I fell asleep, but it helped to just lay there with my eyes closed.

i was okay during the lab.
the lab was really neat.
all of my streaking of the cultures are turning out really well. all of the tests i ran worked.

i don't like waking up at 5:30. especially when i was up super late because I started reading Breaking Dawn.

the morgue today was neat.
but that's the thing- that's all it was.
i didn't feel a tug or a drive in me screaming "that's what you're going to end up doing!!!" like i have previously.
i've been praying about this a lot. whether or not i should stop after my medical lab science degree, do an internship and then work, instead of going into grad school for pathology.
and today seemed to give me an answer.
yes, i find it fascinating, and that's great. but maybe it's not for me afterall.

and it got me thinking- maybe the reason why i was so attracted to pathology and so sure of myself was so that i'd switch my undergrad degree to MLS. because now that i'm in MLS, i don't know why i didn't think of doing this before. i really like it. i love my classes (except biochem...). i love my lab right now. working with bacteria and running tests and doing real med lab things.
i wouldn't have gone into this had it not been my interest in pathology.
and so now that i'm hooked on MLS, i guess thats why my desire to be an APA has diminshed.

would being an APA be awesome? yeah.
but so would working in a lab.

i'm not upset by my new realizations, either.
which is comforting.
i dont feel like i'm giving up on my dream just because of the list of reasons i've made lately against me being an APA.
i just feel like my dream has shifted.

which is okay.

Big news

Joseph got the job! Ryann is moving back to Michigan by December!!!!
I can't even believe it?!
The luck to get an engineering job in Michigan right now? Seriously? AWESOME!

I'm now the secretary of OU's chapter of Golden Key Internation Honor Society. Ha.
I got home and told dad and he said "why would you volunteer for that?"
Gee, thanks dad.


I had a biochem exam this morning.
It wasn't good.
I'm not happy with myself right now.

I need to go to work.
But I want to curl up under my feather comforter and read Eclipse instead.


I'm going to the morgue tomorrow with the MLS society!
awesome.
i'm excited even though this is my 3rd time going.
crummy thing is- i have to leave my house by 6am.
Yuck.

Honestly, I'm not morbid!

what i have checked out from the library right now:

-Stiff : the curious lives of human cadavers
-Body of work : meditations on mortality from the human anatomy lab
-Postmortem
-Death's acre : inside the legendary forensic lab the Body Farm where the dead do tell tales




i wonder what the librarians think of me...

body farm

the body farm is a place where they study the decomposition of humans.
its at the university of tennessee.

and i want to work there.

http://video.nationalgeographic.com/video/player/science/health-human-body-sci/human-body/body-farm-sci.html

calmer

i'm doing a lot better than i was yesterday morning.
wine making was fun. and kims party was fun.

i ran into an old friend, mike, today after Mass. talked tohim for a long time. it was good to catch up.
went to work, got A LOT done. so i feel a lot better about that.

tess and i decided not to go to hte library today. we're going to study on our own and meet up before the exam tuesday morning instead.
so i'm home now and just have to study.
so it's good.

just talked to katie for the first time in forever.
a lot of shitty stuff is happening with her right now, but she sounds like she's handling it well. it was good to hear from her.

i'm going to go read a chapter of eclipse (it came in the mail yesterday!!!) then shower, then study and have nathan come over.


i'm finally not as stressed out as i was.
i still feel like i'm going 100 miles an hour, though.

no time for myself

i'm stressing out big time right now.
i need way more hours in a day.
i need today to not be winemaking and kims bonefire.

i need to study. i need to go to work. for a long time.

i was going to go to work yesterday right after dissection. i figured i could leave early.
me and natalie were the only ones there. out of the 20ish of us, only we showed up. so we did the entire dissection on both cadavers by ourselves. which was fun. i got to talk to natalie a lot and she showed me some good techniques to use and how to dissect out veins and arteries and whatnot, so it was neat. but i didn't end up getting to work until almost 7, and they close at 8. so you can imagine how productive THAT was.
then i had to come home and make a batch of cookies for mom. so inbetween batches i studied biochem, but every 15 minutes i had to get up and switch it and ugh.
so i was done around 11.

so then today i wake up and get out of the shower and mom asks me to help her clean. UGH. so i do then i try to study but now i have to go get ready becuase i have to go pick up nathan at his house since i'm doing all of the driving today in case he drinks too much.

drinking is annoying.

but whatever.

so i studied all of 45 minutes this morning.

people are coming over at 11 to make wine.
this is an all day thing.
then kims bonfire tonight.

then tomorrow i'll probably drag myself out of bed to go to 7am mass, go straight to work for 4 or 5 hours, come home, study, go to the library, study with Tess, MAYBE go to the gym- unlikely, then go home and study with nathan.


anyway. i need to go get ready.
i'm freaking out.
i dont have enough time to fit in work and all of this studying.
i thought i could work all day on tuesday, but i have a Goldey Key meeting from 4-5, which means i can't possibly get to work until 530 at the earliest, which is NOT enough time. and i can't go wednesday morning because i'm going to the morgue again with the MLS society.

- breathes-

i need life to stop for one day so that i can get caught up.

i need people to stop needing things of me so that i can do what i need to do.


i need more hours in a day or more days in the week.
something.
anything.

jumping on the bandwagon

1. What time did you get up this morning?
8am

2. Diamonds or pearls?
not a huge fan of either. i guess diamonds, but nothing over the top. i'm very very simple when it comes to that.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Wall-e with my mom.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
House, and all of the medical/tramua/er shows.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast?
enough exchanges to get me though until lunch.

7. What food do you dislike?
now that i realized i'm lactose intolerant (hence the majority of my stomach pain), i dislike cheese and milk. i won't eat olives, mustard or ketchup.

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
saosin.

9. What kind of car do you drive?
saturn

10. Favorite sandwich?
ham.

11. What characteristics do you despise?
lying and laziness

12. Favorite piece of clothing?
any one of my hoodies

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
ireland.

14. Are you an organized person?
yes. looking at my room, it wouldn't seem like it, but it's an organized mess at the moment. i can't function if things aren't in order.

15. Where would you retire to?
can i graduate first? i dont think i'd move, though. i want to stay near my family, so whereever i end up relocating is where i'll stay.

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday?
i guess my 21st, not because i got wasted and partied all night (i couldn't even imagine doing that), but because everyone was home and they threw a surprise birthday party for me.

17. What are you going to do when you finish this?
i'm waiting for Nathan to get off of work (at 10) so i can talk to him and figure out what we're doing tomorrow. then i'm reading New Moon until I fall asleep. I took rozerem an hour ago, so it won't be long.

18. Furthest place you are sending this?
no where

19. Person you expect to send it back first?
?

20. When is your birthday?
9-9-86

21. Morning person or a night person?
i guess night, since i can't sleep.

22. What is your shoe size?
9

23. Pets?
none anymore

24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
my niece is reading at the 2nd grade level... and she's only 4!!!

25. What did you want to be when you were little?
a marine biologist, a physical therapist, NASA, a nun, a history teacher, a taxi driver, working at fretter (because "fretter is better!"), cardiologist, medical technition, pathologist

26. How are you today?
okay. overwhelmed with biochem, and feeling anxious about school and being behind at work due to my cold.

27. What is your favorite flower?
daisies and sunflowers.

28. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?
nothing major in the near future. i'm looking forward to my graduation day, which is may 1, 2010. i also am looking forward to nathan and my wedding day... sometime in two summers.

29. What are you listening to right now?
nothing

30. What was the last thing you ate?
brusslesprouts.

31. Do you wish on stars?
no

32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
burgandy

33. How is the weather right now?
about 60. no wind.

34. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
nathan

35. Favorite soft drink?
haven't drank any in a long time. i used to drink diet pepsi, but only because of the caffeine, not because i liked it.

36. Favorite restaurant?
tomato head in knoxville tennessee is really good.

37. Hair color?
red brown.

38. What was your favorite toy as a child?
my doll from germany, Inga.

39. Summer or Winter?
fall.

41. Chocolate or Vanilla?
depends on what it is.

42. Coffee or tea?
coffee. i don't drink very much anymore.

43. Do you want your friends to email you back?
sure

44. When was the last time you cried?
last tuesday? maybe more recent than that, but tuesday for sure.

45. What is under your bed?
a box of textbooks, half of my trundle bed (i have it sticking out sideways so i can sit on it).

46. What did you do last night?
was in lab, got to pipette (my favorite thing ever). tried to study but ended up talking w. mom for a couple hours.

48. Salty or sweet?
salty. i always crave salt.

49. How many keys on your key ring?
3. my car, the house and work.

50. How many years at your current job?
almost 3.

51. Favorite day of the week?
fridays? i dont know.

52. Do you make friends easily?
I make acquaintances easily. Friends are harder to come by.

53. How many people will you send this to?
N/A

54. How many will respond?


55. Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends?
yeah

Cutting back

Stupid cold. Knocked me on my butt all of Sunday and pretty much Monday. Today I'm doing better. No fever and my nose isn't as drippy. I didn't take sudefed, so I'm not so spaced out that I can't think or shouldn't drive (even though I had to drive yesterday... that was interesting).
I had these big plans to study biochem all weekend. That went out the window.
I studied today after class with Tess, Brandon, Casey and Dan. That helped.
Biochem is hard. and really confusing. and from the sound of it- his tests aren't easy.
I'm pretty nervous.

I wanted to go the gym today after studying with them. I had my clothes and stuff for it... but I drove past it instead. Unheard of, before. But I"m not fully over this cold, and I have so much to do. If I get enough done today, and recover more from being sick, then tomorrow and Thursday I'll be able to get in good workouts. So... I have to remind myself that it's okay.

Tonight is part one of winemaking. Saturday is the pressing. I love winemaking, but I kind of want this week to study, not worry about winemaking. I'll probably go to work tonight instead of helping out and hanging out with the gang. I don't have time right now.
I'm dreadfully behind at work, too, because I had planned on working Sunday and Monday- but those days I was on the couch do nothing but staring at nothing. I couldn't even focus enough to read Twilight- which is saying a lot. Going to work was out of the question.
So now I have to squeeze that in sometime this week, too.

I'm not stressed, though.
right?

i'm glad i dropped pathology.
i mean- i'm still angry about it, but i would be even more behind in things and freaking out even more.
at least now, i know it's doable, it'll just be a lot of time involved.
with patho- i dont know how i could do it.

Sick

I don't know where I got this cold from.
No one I know is sick.
I thought it was allergies. But now it's obvious that it isn't.
I didn't feel sick at all yesterday. Just my nose was runny, but it was clear, and i was outside for awhile, and it's allergy season, so I didn't think anything of it.
Overnight it turned green and gross and my throat started hurting worse and I got a fever and the whole works.
Out of nowhere. no one here is sick.
I don't think I picked up a bacteria from lab last week.
I should look up the incubation times on all of the bacteria we work with...
wouldn't that be great?

I don't want a bandaid

so that exam yesterday was stupidly easy. i was done in 15 minutes and took another 5 to go through the whole thing again to check my answers. it was so general and broad. i did not have to study as much as i did. huh, funny- i thought a 400 level microbio class would be... a challenge? i'm glad that it was easy- i confident i got an A, but i'm mad that it was easy. it means my extra effort didn't even count for anything. someone who rolled out of bed late could have looked over the notes briefly and done just fine. i know that knowledge isn't a waste- but at the cost of my sanity...?
at least i know microbio won't be as insane as i thought. i'm sure it'll get more difficult as we progress, but her tests aren't horrible.

biochem, on the other hand...

ugh. that class makes me want to curl up and cry. so i'll avoid that topic for now.


had yoga again tonight. i felt really good afterwards. really loose and open and i didn't feel sad today. i felt free, almost.

i think i'm lactose intolerant again.
i went back and forth with it when i was younger. then for so long i didn't eat much of... anything, but hardly any dairy, and then when i did start eating, my stomach was so messed up in general, i couldn't tell if anything in particular made it worse. but today at lunch, i ate my sandwich and was fine, then had string cheese and my stomach bothered me all afternoon after that. it's not the first time i've noticed that happening. cottage cheese doesn't seem to bother me- it never did before- and i've heard that's easier to digest and doesn't give many lactose intolerant people trouble, so that isn't anything to go by. and i still don't drink milk- aside from the smallest of splash i'm willing to put on my cereal just to get it wet. so that isn' tmuch to go by either.

it seems weird to me, though, that i'd go back and forth with the lactose intolerance. you'd think that i either was, or wasn't.
but since middle school, it was always off and on.
i'm going to avoid cheese for awhile and see if i notice a change.
i wonder if i should avoid cottage cheese, too, just in case... but that's such an easy way to get my protein exchanges in, it's a shame to get rid of that option.


oh!
nathan's sister, bethany, finally cut and dyed my hair last night!! it's just below my shoulders, with lots of layers, and it's a dark reddish brown. i love it! it's so much shorter than i thought she'd take it, and it's weird to not have long hair going half way down my back, but i really like how it turned out.


i took rozerem tonight, since i have to wake up at 6am. i didn't take anything last night and was awake until 4am.
i'm getting really really annoyed with having to take meds to sleep.
i'm tired of taking meds. i really am.
i wish i could get off them all.
but seriously- this sleep thing has got to get resolved.
something has to be able to fix me.
i want it fixed- not just treated and covered up.
how come everything that's wrong with me isn't curable... just treatable.
i dont want to be on treatment until i die.
i'm determined to get off meds sooner or later.
i'll need to when i have kids.
that scares me..

anyway, the point of that ramble was to say that the rozerem is kicking in, and so i'm off to bed.

Ready or not

got up this morning at 8 and studied until 1030. got ready to go, went to yoga. had a good practice (lynne's class!).
after yoga, i decided not to workout and study at the same time, like i had planned. i figured i'd have a half-ass workout and half-ass studying that way. i went to the library and studied more and had lunch. no workout today. which sucks.
the exam is in an hour. i needed a break.
it's not that it's difficult, it's just a lot of memorizing. i should have studied more when Casey was home. but between that and my downshift of mood that week/weekend, that didn't happen. so of course, here i am, scrambling to catch up in time.
i won't let myself do this again.
i hate feeling unprepared.

this always happens though- i doubt my readiness for an exam, and then end up being fine.
but just because it's happened in the past, doesn't mean that it will happen again today. i can't say "i always pull it off" and relax about it, because then i won't pull it off.
the problem with this is, i never know actually how much i needed to study and how much extra time and stress i waste on it.
how do i ever know when it's enough?
will i remember that aminoglycosides irreversibly attach to the 30s subunit on the ribosome and cause it to missread the mRNA or stop the reading all together, and that it works on gram negative rods? will i remember nalidix acid works on gram negive bacteria, or that levifloxacin works on gram pos. aerobes? or that vancomycin is a large glycopeptide that is too large to work on gram negitives because of their LPS (lipopolysaccharide), but works on gram positives because they dont have LPS?
do i only remember this because that was the last thing i looked at?
will i remember in an hour?



anyway.
i left yoga feeling... sad.
i can't explain it.
i guess i don't have time to explain it. i have to leave the library in 40 minutes.
it's bacteria time.

exam time

ok. so i'm glad that i still see susan. there's a point, now.
i cried a lot in there today, towards the end.
mom had left a voicemail while i was in there, so i called her back as i was driving to work.
she asked if i was getting sick or had allergies because i sounded 'plugged up'. i told her the truth- that i was crying. that i'm struggling.
amazing, eh?
i'll write more on that later. i don't feel like doing that right now.

so i had biochem this morning. went the gym (and studied while on the arc trainer), session w. susan, work.
after dinner i started studying microbio again. took a break to reread twilight- allowed myself one chapter. went back to studying. watched the new House, and continued to study. read another twilight chapter. studied.
i'm studied out, and i'm calling it quits for tonight.
i'm too tired for anything to sink in, at this point.
i'll get up early and study before yoga, study at the gym, and study while eating lunch. then take the exam at 3:15.
i've never had this professor before, so i don't know what to expect from her exams.
and there is A LOT of material. One chapter alone has a lot of detail- a lot about different bacteria, and different antimicrobials/ antibiotics, and which work on what type and doesn't work on others. gram pos, gram neg, broad spectrum, acid-fast. etc. and which antibiotics damage cell wall synthesis, or protein synthesis, or nucleic synthesis, or other such things.
and that is only ONE chapter of the EIGHT that will be on the exam tomorrow.
granted, a couple are easy, like the intro chapters, but still.
i hate exams.

took benadryll tonight. took it last night, too. i don't want to risk getting used to rozerem (even though they claim that isn't possible), so i thought i'd switch it up. i dont want to take it every night anyway, and i haven't been, but i didn't want to take it tonight, either.

my dad is on facebook. that amuses me.

I might as well go upstairs and read twilight until i fall asleep. nathan isn't online, so there isn't much point in me staying online once i'm done writing.

When

I'm so tired of working so hard for what seems like nothing.

I wonder how long I can handle this for.

When will I finally say "screw it, their way isn't working" and go back to my way?

Will I?

I don't know how much more I can take.

Escaping

Ugh. This again. 3:30am. and I have to wake up in 4 hours.
I'm noticing a pattern, though. I should bring this up w. dr heniki next time I see her.
Which reminds me- I need to make an appointment after canceling the one I had on Friday.

I hate 3:30am.
I already finished New Moon. I could start rereading Twilight...
I have a better idea... I could FALL ASLEEP.

I'm tired. But my mind won't turn off.
If only I were manic, then I could be productive with my time awake.
Unfortunatly, I'm not lucky enough for that to happen.
Why do my meds do such a good job at keeping mania away, but not depression?
That hardly seems fair.

I feel pretty pathetic- how upset dropping a class makes me.
It's a class that I don't even need.
Am I seriously that nerdy?
It's just that it's a class I wanted and looked forward to.
It's just disappointing.
I'll get over it.

I need to get interested in biochem.
I can't let myself fall behind.
Maybe when my mood swings back up a little.
If my prediction is correct, this should only last a couple more days.
I'm trying not to think about that, though- I don't want a placebo effect or anything.

There's a lady at the gym that isn't... healthy.
It's easy to see in other people, what I see in myself.

I'm running out of things to say.
I guess I could try to go to bed again.

Tomorrow I'm going to lab for a couple hours, even though I'm not schedule to TA.
They'll be short-staffed, I'm sure. I don't mind helping out.
If it's slow, I'll study in the office until Nathan's done in lab.

I read New Moon in a day and a half.
Funny, i have other books to read, but they don't suck me in like this series does.
I've needed a good series to get into again.
It used to be Dragonlance. Before that- Harry Potter.
I should read Dragonlance again.
Steph still has my book, I think. The first one in the series.
I should order that from the library.
It'll be good- I won't get as sucked in as I did the first time, since I'll remember what happens. But I need a book to read when I can't study and can't sit still and do anything else.
I need that fantasy world to escape into when I need a time-out in life.

What I need is the ability to fall asleep.

numb

i hope this passes.

soon.

weird

i don't feel sick, but i don't feel right.

i'm too tired. i'm too out of it.
maybe it's my moods.
but my energy crashed before my mood did.
so that doesn't seem to fit.

whatever it is, i need to figure out how to focus and study.
i have too much to do.

i need to figure out how to exercise while feeling this way, too.

Decisions

i don't know what to do.

or rather, as mom just put it, in my heart I know what to do- i just don't want to admit it to myself and actually do it.

i don't want to drop pathology.
i really don't.
i've been looking forward to this class.
i was so fricking excited when i got to sign up for it.

i like the class. i like the prof., and everything is fascinating to me.
but, there is a lot of material.

microbio is semi interesting and a lot of material
and biochem is... not fun and even more material.

plus i found out yesterday that i have to write a 10pg paper for microbio and i have a group presentation in my issues in healthcare class coming up.

i don't know.

mom said i should drop it- for my mental and physical health.
nathan said i should drop it- for a lot of reasons.

inside i feel like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum.
I DON'T WANT TO DROP IT!!!

i always feel like such a failure if i drop a class. i feel like i'm wasting time if i'm only taking 12 credits. why should i only do the bare minimum if i could do more?
i already had to drop TAing last winter. i dropped physics over the summer.
this is killing me.

i don't know if or when i'll have another chance to take pathology.
i'm requried to take biochem and micro, so those aren't options to drop.

positives of dropping:
more time to study for biochem, micro, write the paper, meet w. my group
will be able to go to 2 more yoga classes if my workload allows.. giving me 3-4 instead of only 1-2 days/ week... and i really need yoga right now.
i wont have a patho exam and biochem exam within a day of eachother (same prof- all of his exams are at the same time..)
more time to go to work.
more time to sleep.
more time to spend with nathan and other friends.
less stress mentally, so the risk of relapsing would be reduced.

i know, i know.

I'm just not ready to admit it, yet. because the decision i think i have to make isn't the decision i want to make.

i hate feeling defeated.
i hate being too weak to handle things.
i hate giving in.

More of the same.

today i was just as tired as i had been. just by walking up the stairs to the 3rd floor for lab, or up the stairs at the rec- my legs felt like they were on fire. so tired. yoga wasn't bad today. my legs felt tired in camel, but that it. we didn't hold too many lunging poses, though, so maybe that's why. i got on the arc trainer after that, and had it on a super low resistance and could barely do anything. my legs were screaming at me with fatigue. this is the shitty painful tired i used to have all of the time. i hate it.

of course, when i finally have permission to exercise more... my body isn't letting me.


microbio lab tonight wasn't bad. we looked at all of the slides we stained on monday and determined if they were gram pos. or neg., and what type of bacteria they were. out of 11 slides, we figured out 9 of them. 2 we couldn't see anything. they might have washed away while we stained them? (they weren't the slides i stained, thankfully- we have 'pods' of four people that work together on this). we have Jessica, Nicole, Amanda and me. they're all seniors (real seniors- i'm just a 4th year out of 5 psudo-senior) and had more experience w. microscopes than i had (which was practically nothing), so that helped me in learning how to use them properly.

Yesterday, Casey gave me her twilight books she read on the airplane.
i'm 200 pages in already.
i could have read for microbio, but twilight is mindless reading. and i'm too tired for anything other than that right now.

i hope i'm more awake tomorrow.
this is getting annoying.

drained

i have been so incredibly tired all day today. and the last few days.
i was ready to go to bed around 4pm, but everyone was over so that wasn't exactly an option.
i layed on the couch for a long time with my eyes closed just listening to the conversations.

my birthday was good.
i got a few really nerdy things, like an anatomy puzzle and a glow in the dark 12 inch tall skeleton that you put together. plus nathan gave me my favorite laundry detergent (wisk, original scent)! i can't wait to do laundry now.



i wish i didn't have to set my alarm in the morning. i feel like i could sleep for days.

Too critical

I need to start writing more.

I think I've stopped writing so much because a lot of days, I don't have much to write about except for what I happened to do that day. And somehow writing that isn't good enough for me. I have to stop being so critical of what I write. There is no right or wrong when it comes to a journal. This is my space to write whatever I want to write. If it's entries full of mundane things, then fine.
So I've decided to try to write something everyday, even if it's meaningless events of the day, just to get back in the habit of writing again. Either here, my livejournal, or my paper journals. Just... something. i used to write pages and pages everyday. my online journals- i'd have up to 6 entries a day. now... i'm lucky if it's once a week.

I have it in my head that my journals and what I write has to be perfect.
how is that even possible?
so no wonder I have hardly been writing.

perfectionism leads to procrastination leads to paralysis.

so true.


So today.
Had medical biochem this morning. It isn't too bad so far. It will get bad soon, though.
went the gym. but felt really off. i couldn't put a good effort into anything i was doing. i hate when that happens.
when i got home, mom asked if i was feeling alright because I look really pale.
"i'm always pale"
"no, more pale that normal. you look white."

I don't know.
My body never fully feels fine, so it's hard to tell when i'm getting sick.

Lisa emailed me and asked if I'd want to increase my exercise. she told me how much i could increase it without having to increase food intake.
awesome.
i hope it helps.
i hope i feel well enough to actually do it.
i emailed her back and asked her how long it should take for my body to trust me that i won't start starving again.
i'm trying to be patient but this is getting annoying.
July 6th. I haven't restricted since then.
So... what's the deal?


i should go upstairs and study a little before everyone gets here.
once they do, studying will go out the window.
i kind of hate my birthday.

Trust

Classes today were fun.
Normally labs stress me out, but this one isn't bad at all. None of our lab days are graded- only our exams- which in a way kind of sucks, but it takes the pressure off during lab days and lets me actually relax and learn instead of worrying about doing everything perfectly for a grade.

Last week, I took a bacteria sample from the floor of the lab, but the dish today was clear. Apparently we have really clean floors at school.

Casey's home!
Her and mom are watching Matlock. Dad's still in his class.
My books finally came today, so I kind of want to go upstairs and study. But I don't need to do anything for tomorrow, and it's been a long day, so I don't think I will.

I'm not sure if I'll have a chance to tomorrow, though. A lot of people will be over for birthday festivities... o.O

Haven't let my frustrations derail my eating.
I figure messing up now will only delay progress even more.
Which is the last thing I want or need, at this point.
I just... have to trust.

Failure

I wish that I had the same clarity that I had yesterday.
I don't.
But that's natural, I suppose.
I just get frustrated with this whole process. I wish I could say, "okay, I'm recovered" and POOF! my body is back to normal.
It's hard to keep going when you don't see any progress. I'm on a weight loss meal plan? Umm... I wouldn't have thought that. The numbers all make sense. It should work.
What's hard is that I know what would work. I know what did work. Less than 200 calories. and then run for miles. everyday. it works. the efforts i put in back then... they worked.

it's sad that i can miss that. miss blacking out. miss being dizzy. miss having my stomach constantly growling at me. miss being painfully exhusted. miss being shakey and foggy and yet somehow always alert and on top of things. miss having bruises all over from having no padding on my body. miss counting my ribs-- seeing each one. miss needing clothes from the girls department. miss having my hair fall out and have lanugo grow all over.
great fun that was. a real blast.
hardly. but somehow I thrived on that. i got kick ass grades that semester and dealt with that stupid david fiasco and I somehow did it all on not eating.
i lived on air, water, and caffeine. and it was such a rush.
i got smaller and smaller, and it drove me to keep going.
feeling empty felt safe. feeling full was foreign to me. i hated it. if i was full, then i wanted it out. i was painfully aware of every calorie each bite contained, and i had to be. or else i didn't feel safe.

i was asked if i was happy back then. and really- i honestly was. i felt comfortable and secure. i felt okay in my body. i knew i was thin- i just didn't think i was thin enough. life was predictable. i knew that when i woke up, i'd feel hungry. i knew that i'd make coffee and drink that and leave for school. i knew that i'd be hungry in class. and that after class i'd go to the gym to run. i knew that i'd be dizzy. i knew that i'd have to hide the fact i wasn't eating. i knew that i'd be tired. i knew that i had things to study and papers to write. i knew that i'd go to bed and be hungry. and i knew that if i did everything right, then the scale would tell me a smaller number than the day before.
it all made sense.


now?
i don't know.

i guess i'm healthier and stronger. my mind isn't foggy.
but this isn't predictable. i don't feel right in my body anymore. i want to claw at my own skin and escape.

it's the whole recovery process... the refeeding and stomach problems. the body image problems. the fact that my body doesn't respond like it should to a meal plan.

time.
i know it takes time.

i know that i can't say "oops, i have osteopenia and fractures from that? sorry, my bad!" and have it simply disappear because i want it to.



i'm just getting tired of not seeing my work pay off at the end of the day.
i know i'm stronger and healthier, but in the ED world- strength and health were always negative things.
being healthy meant not being thin. recovery meant failing. strength was being able to live on air and water and still run 10 miles. perseverence was getting four 4.0s and a 3.9 while starving.

and those thoughts haven't completely disappeared yet.


i still feel like a failure for doing so well in recovery.

clarity

I met with Lisa today. I was weighed, but didn't ask to know. Especially since I've probably gained muscle since last time I saw her since I've been lifting weights and started practicing yoga regularly. But... knowing it's muscle doesn't change the fact I won't like it if the number has gone up. So I'd just rather not even know right now.
I've been doing pretty well with eating. I'm proud of myself. i've come a really long way.

sometimes, i still get jealous of all of the skinny girls i see, but have to remind myself that every one is different. every body is formed differently. and everyone has their own story. my body is the way it is because of the ED. that's the simple truth of the matter. i can't change that fact. i don't know why their bodies are the way they are. maybe they have issues of their own. or maybe they are like Ryann and it's natural. maybe they're just very healthy and active and haven't damaged their bodies with an ED, and so actually look athetic.
i hope i look athetic again one day.

in the mean time, i have to accept where i am at. i have to be thankful for the body that i have and treat it well so that it lasts a long time.
i have to respect it. and admire it for what it can do for me. It can get me into basic and crazy yoga poses. and each day it can go further into a pose. it can get stronger. it's flexible and can gain flexibility. it doesn't confine me to stillness; i can move and walk and soon- run and dance. With it's fingers, I can make music. with it's voice, i can sing, and i can talk, and i can make myself heard. it lets me help people. It provides me a brain with which i can learn and excell in school and in a future career.

through my body, i can love and be loved.
With my body, i can learn, i can feel, i can help, i can laugh, i can cry, i can grow, i can heal, i can praise God, i can connect with my mind, i can breathe, i can love, i can live.

all of these things do not depend on the size of my body.

but they do require health, nutrition and self-respect.

and that i can control.