Decisions

i don't know what to do.

or rather, as mom just put it, in my heart I know what to do- i just don't want to admit it to myself and actually do it.

i don't want to drop pathology.
i really don't.
i've been looking forward to this class.
i was so fricking excited when i got to sign up for it.

i like the class. i like the prof., and everything is fascinating to me.
but, there is a lot of material.

microbio is semi interesting and a lot of material
and biochem is... not fun and even more material.

plus i found out yesterday that i have to write a 10pg paper for microbio and i have a group presentation in my issues in healthcare class coming up.

i don't know.

mom said i should drop it- for my mental and physical health.
nathan said i should drop it- for a lot of reasons.

inside i feel like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum.
I DON'T WANT TO DROP IT!!!

i always feel like such a failure if i drop a class. i feel like i'm wasting time if i'm only taking 12 credits. why should i only do the bare minimum if i could do more?
i already had to drop TAing last winter. i dropped physics over the summer.
this is killing me.

i don't know if or when i'll have another chance to take pathology.
i'm requried to take biochem and micro, so those aren't options to drop.

positives of dropping:
more time to study for biochem, micro, write the paper, meet w. my group
will be able to go to 2 more yoga classes if my workload allows.. giving me 3-4 instead of only 1-2 days/ week... and i really need yoga right now.
i wont have a patho exam and biochem exam within a day of eachother (same prof- all of his exams are at the same time..)
more time to go to work.
more time to sleep.
more time to spend with nathan and other friends.
less stress mentally, so the risk of relapsing would be reduced.

i know, i know.

I'm just not ready to admit it, yet. because the decision i think i have to make isn't the decision i want to make.

i hate feeling defeated.
i hate being too weak to handle things.
i hate giving in.