"Still pulses race and scream"

so this morning i was sitting in molecular diagnostics, trying to pay attention to this horrible teacher.  when all of a sudden, i couldn't breathe again, started shaking, the whole deal.  i thought 'shit, not again'.  then i felt trapped in the room, so that wasn't helping.  then i decided i didn't care if i got up and i put my head down and walked as quickly out of the room as possible.  i ran down the hallway and hid in the stairwell again.  i sat there paralyzed for what i found out later to be 45 minutes.  i luckily forced myself to get up just in time to get to the next class right before it started- jayme had grabbed my stuff for me.  so i took it and told her i had to go.  I knew she knew what had happened, plus she (and a few others) saw blood all over my hands from my knuckles.  I was shaking so badly i could barely hold onto the handouts they were trying to give me as i also picked up my backpack, coat and water bottle.  i kept dropping everything.  i managed to bolt out of that room, called Nathan and he said i could come over.  so I found dr R to tell her that yet again, i probably wouldn't TA lab today.  I was shaking like crazy when i was talking to her.  i couldn't even stand still.  i felt like i was crawling out of my skin.  she asked "what's going on?  did they change your medication?" i said no.  she said i should try eating some chocolate.  that broke the tension.  she said it was fine i wasn't there.  she said to go home and rest.  and that she hopes this doesn't continue much longer.

i drove to nathan's and went down to his room and laid in his bed for 3 hours pretty much motionless as he studied in the den.  he'd come in periodically to see how i was.  i just laid there.  i had to pee, but i didn't care.  my stomach was growling, but i didn't care.  i just laid there.  i couldn't do anything.  i felt unable to move.

after 3 hours i went upstairs and ate some of my lunch as nathan had his.  i called my psychiatrist and she called in xanax for me... I guess that's good... ?  i half-studied for awhile as nathan continued to study.  i've decided to skip ethics tonight since it's 3.5 hours and goes until 10pm... i don't feel up to that.  so i came to campus with him since he has stats from 530- 715.  it at least gets me out of his house and in public again.  even though i don't necessarily want to be.  i might go to my ethics class just to talk to the teacher, halfway explain why i can't stay and hopefully get my exam back.  or i might just email her and wait a week.  i still haven't decided- i have an hour before i'd have to walk there.
i don't know what i'm going to do until then.  i guess study.  but i'm too numb.  i'm too tired.
i still haven't even taken the diagnostics midterm.  i feel bad that i still haven't taken it.  i had the intentions of taking it today.  i honestly did.  and then this damn panic keeps hitting me.  at least once a day since Tuesday.   6 days of this damn panic attacks.  i can't take it.  i'm going crazy.
on the way back to his house, we're going to stop at the CVS he works at and pick up the xanax, hopefully this will help.

(Title: lyrics to "The End" by Greenwheel)

" Now you've found love, it's shining through"

I've had an epiphany about how it truly does not matter what size I am and how much I weight.

Last night I mentioned to Nathan how I decided to give my "anorexic pants" to my older sister, who is somehow naturally very thin.  At first I never wanted to give her my old pants because I didn't want to see her wearing them and get upset that they didn't fit me anymore.  But then I was cleaning my closet a couple of weeks ago, throwing stuff out and making a donation pile.  I wanted to go through everything and ask myself "do I want to take then when I move out?"  and if I wouldn't take it with me, I threw it out or put it in the donate pile.

I tried on a lot of my old clothes.  Some of my old shirts are short!  I don't understand how they shrunk length wise.  Did I grow a couple of inches?  All of the short shirts went into the donate pile.  The other shirts I had to decide- Do they currently fit, do they have the potential to fit again, will they most likely never fit again, or do I even like the style anymore?  I actually felt okay by all of this.  Some old shirts fit again (they probably would have "fit" before but I don't like tight shirts so I had put them away in favor of sweatshirts).  I felt calm knowing that I've finally lost weight in a healthy way, and so these other shirts DO have the potential to fit.  I made a deal with myself.  When I get to my "goal weight" (actually, goal size- since I weigh more than I used to before my really bad relapse due to muscle-- so my goal is actually my pre-really-bad-relapse size, and Lisa is okay with this) if they don't fit then, I will donate them and not even flirt with idea of making them be able to fit again..
It was that day I decided to offer my old pants to my sister.  I emailed her and explained how I felt ready and okay about this and that she was welcome to try them on and have them.  She said she'd do that, and asked me if I was really sure about this.  I told her I was.

So last night I told Nathan I decided to give her the pants.  He knew before how I really didn't want to see her in them.  So he was surprised I offered them to her.  But I told him I was at peace about it.  That my body was finally responding to my efforts and starting to get smaller, so I finally have hope and feel better about the potential to get smaller.  I told him I know I'll most likely never get back to that size- in a healthy way- and how I know I can't go back to that size in an unhealthy way.  He asked how much my body had responded and I said "well, I've already lost 15 pounds".  He looked shocked and asked "since when?" I said "my birthday (early september), but 10 since January.  He asked, "does it make a bad fiance since I never even noticed?  you've always looked perfect to me".  I told him it was fine he didn't.  I mentioned how the pants I was wearing used to not fit, along with the jeans I was wearing the day before.  he said, "I have noticed a gradual shift of new (old) clothes, I just didn't put it together".

You know- I'm glad he didn't notice.  Because it's further proof that my size does not matter.  Especially to him.  And he's all I care about.  I am loved no matter what size I am.

I still have my goal in mind.  And I know I'm almost there.
He asked me once, "when you get to your "goal", are you sure it will be enough?  are you going to want to keep going and not stop there?"
And I told him no.  That I feel okay to stop there.  That I don't need to look like a pre-teen with zero curves, or be extra bony (which he was happy to hear because he likes my curves-- which used to freak me out, but now I'm okay with it).  I told him that I like feeling strong, and having muscle. I can't be that way if I let myself get sick again.

I love Nathan.  He makes me feel so comfortable.  Even at the beginning when we just started hanging out.  I'd go to his house, or he'd come to mine, and all of a sudden, when we walked through the door, all of my insecurities went away.  I forgot that i was having a "fat day".  It all left my mind and I felt so comfortable and happy to just be around him. 
He reassures me there's no need to lose weight, but he understands if I still think there is.  Just as long as I don't keep going once I get to the size that Lisa and I both agreed on, he's okay with whatever I decide to do.  But that he thinks I'm weird for thinking I need to change.  Maybe it's not so much a "need" as a "want".
I feel like if I can get back to my pre-relapse weight/size, then it'll be like I've come around full circle.  I lost the weight, I gained it and then some, and then if I can finally just go back to where I was, I can stop being reminded of it, and I can move on.


(title: lyrics to "come close" by Saosin)

"Believe the sound when the truth will send you falling"

I'm not really sure how I"m doing.  I feel more traumatized than I should be.  But how much of how I'm handling things can I control?  Nathan and I ran errands today.  We took my car but I made him drive.  We had to take the same road that I was forced off of and I can't handle driving on it right now.  I was shaking the whole time we were on it.  We were doing wedding stuff today and going out to dinner and Nathan kept commenting that I wasn't even trying to pretend to be happy.  I don't think he realized how much it was bothering me, which I didn't blame him for- I didn't let him know.  When we had finished one of our errands and were on our way to grab some dinner before we finished the other one I curled up in a ball in the seat.  Nathan asked what was wrong and I said I wasn't feel right.  That I couldn't explain it but I was just upset and really anxious.  I was shaking really badly when we sat down for dinner.  I wasn't hungry but I made myself eat.  He mentioned how he agrees with my mom that I need to ask my psychiatrist for something for the anxiety.  I told him I didn't want to be that patient that goes in and says "i'm anxious, give me drugs".  But he reassured me that's not how it would be.  That all I needed to ask for is a few of them for when it gets bad, not a 30 day supply.  He said "Andi, you've been having multiple panic attacks and you've been really anxious all week.  You're not doing well, and asking for help is not a drug seeking behavior".
I finally agreed with him.  Especially because I can't keep turning to self-injury to calm me down.  He looked at my knuckles and frowned.  I never told him about my thigh...

I still can't help feel that I'm overreacting.  My therapist on Thursday tried reassuring me that I wasn't.  And that the fear and stress and anxiety can last for awhile.  Plus I won't know about my lab results until the 24th so I won't have any closure with that for a couple of weeks. 
Plus, it doesn't help that my emotions and reactions to things are amplified.  And that stress can spark a change in the bipolar, which it clearly did. 
I asked Nathan "how can I be numb, yet anxious at the same time".  He said "you're talented."

ok. enough stalling.  i need to go to bed.

(title: lyrics to "Collapse" by saosin)

"You keep yourself so tightly wound, it's about time you break"

I got up around 6:30 this morning to study a little bit before the midterm.  I felt okay about it.  I was slightly too numb and overwhelmed to care.  I mean- after yesterday I have bigger things to worry about than a stupid midterm.  I drove to campus with Saosin blaring to drown out my thoughts.  As I was walking into the building I started shaking and was having trouble breathing.  I knew I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack, but I kept telling myself it wasn't true and that I would be fine, and that this feeling wasn't really the beginning of a panic attack, even though I knew full well that it was.  By the time I got to the classroom I was uncontrollably shaking.  I put my backpack down and sat next to Jayme and she asked how I was.  Without even looking at her, I said "I'm about to have a panic attack".  She grabbed my arm and pulled me into the hallway and I just lost it.  Right there in the hallway in front of who knows who.  Probably PT students we don't know- whatever.  But yeah.  She kept trying to calm me down, asked if I wanted a xanax since she has plenty (lol) but I said I never have taken that and i didn't want to risk it.  Our prof went to see where we were and saw me on the floor.  She asked if I was okay and Jayme said I was having a panic attack and my prof asked me if it was due to the midterm or if it was something else.  I said something else and she put her hand on my knee and commented on how badly I was shaking.  She said I could take the exam later when I calmed down.  I called Nathan but could only talk to him for a few minutes because he had to leave for work.

A little while later i went into our profs' offices (they're conjoined) to tell Dr R that I couldn't TA today because "I'm not doing too well".  She said "yeah, I heard through the grape-vine".   I just kind of stood there zoned out for a second so then I figured i should probably offer some sort of explanation.  So I did and dr R said "yeah, that's a bit traumatic" and then i said "yeah, and now i keep going between feeling utterly numb to uncontrollably shaking and crying".  I asked when I needed to take the midterm by and she said not to worry about that and that they'll figure it out later, that i should just go home and take it easy.  but i told her about the presentation i have to give tonight.  i planned on skipping molecular pathology lecture- dr R basically told me to- but then after talking to Jayme i decided i needed the distraction.  plus i didn't want to drive the 30 minutes back home, only to have to explain to my parents why i came home, and then have to drive 30 minutes back to give that stupid presentation.  So i'm here. hanging out.  completely numb.  I rubbed my knuckles against the brick walls so they're all bloody now.  i dont' have anything sharp so i had to make due.  Dr R asked if what happened to my hand was from the accident.  i laughed and said "no.  i did that.  i needed a distraction to calm down".  she already knows i'm bipolar, so i'm pretty sure she understood that and understood why i was so susceptible to the panic.  my emotions just get heightened... everything is more extreme than it should be. 

i'm glad we know our professors so well, and that they know us.  if i had been in a huge lecture hall, the prof wouldn't have known me and wouldn't know my history and would have made me take it.

I'm so tired. I barely slept last night and then got up early to study.  i'm afraid of more caffeine because i dont' want any other cause of shakiness.  I've barely eaten today but i'm just not hungry.  and when i do start feeling hungry, i'm too numb to care.  i barely ate yesterday, either.  and not even for an eating disordered reason.  i'm just simply too numb to feel hunger.  or to care if i do.
Im in this constant state of detachment.  Until of course, I think about things to much and start crying.

Jayme and I still haven't even gone through our presentation together to figure out if it's long enough.  she wants to do that at the gym after she gets out of mycology lecture- but even though i have my gym stuff with me, there's no way i can go.  1, i'm way too tired.  2, i dont want to raise my heart-rate because it reminds me of panic attacks which tends to lead to another one. 3, I've barely eaten for 2 days and so i don't think my body would appreciate it, and 4, i need to just sit down and focus on it and not have a lot of other things going on.

i wish nathan wasn't working today.  he usually doesn't work Wednesdays.  I could have just gone to his house which is a shorter drive than my house and hung out with him all day.  I though about just going there and hanging out in his room by  myself but i dont even think his parents are home today so i wouldn't be able to get in.  i'm stuck here for another 5 hours with no good place to go.  TAing usually takes up at least 3 hours, but i'm in no way able to do that today.

the good thing is, is that maybe i'll be so numb when we give our presentation that i won't even have teh chance to be nervous.
on the flip side- feeling anxious might set off a bad series of events that will cause me to run out of the room.

either way, i can't wait for today to be over so i can go home and do nothing.
or i'll go to nathan's and sit there quietly with him as he studies.  just so that i'm not alone.


(title: lyrics to "keep secrets" by Saosin)

"The floodgates are breaking and pouring out"

Today was one of the worst days in my life. 

Started out by going to the doctor for my thyroid and ANA (anti nuclear antibody) test results.  Thyroid is still low, even though I increased my thyroid dose.  That's annoying.  But then he told me my ANA titer.  It's doubled since the last time he tested it.  doubled.  and now it's "speckled" which is bad.

ANA should be negative.  It's indicative of lupus and other autoimmune disorders.  When I was 15 I tested positive for it, but the doctor was like "oh, you don't have lupus, dont' worry about it".  I was 15.  What did I know?  So then they tested it again a few years back and I had a titer of 160.  Now, if it's positive, you want it <40.  My neurologist requested that I get the level checked again (since I think narcolepsy is auto-immune), and now it's up to 320.  And now it's speckled.  My GP today said that if it's speckled it means that it's turning into something.  And my increasing titer and speckled positive indicates some sort of connective tissue disease.  He said "obviously, at the most extreme end is lupus.  I don't think you're there at this point, but I don't know where you are and where your headed."   So he drew more blood and ordered a rheumatoid panel, and referred me to see a rheumatologist.  He also mentioned an aggressive preventative treatment by using "disease modifying drugs".  He mentioned methotrexate.  I'm not stupid.  I know what that is.  I said "you have to be kidding me".  He said "well, it's a chemotherapy drug so I obviously don't want to start it now, especially without pinpointing what is going on first."  Gee, thanks.  I'm glad we at least agree on that one.

so then I was on my way home, and i was trying to merge onto the freeway, only people seemingly are unable to merge and to avoid hitting 2 cars, I had to serve, lost control and spun out, went across the median, ended up in the oncoming traffic with a semi truck headed right at me, i somehow managed to get my car back into the median before it hit me.  i proceeded to call my mom and have a panic attack.  got my car started (it took it awhile to restart). managed to drive across the median again without getting stuck (it's really muddy now that the snow has melted), and get home.  by the time i got home i had finally stopped crying.  i pulled in my driveway and my dad was working outside he said "good morning!"  i said " it is NOT  good morning" and burst into tears again.  My poor dad! lol.  

i cried and shook for a few hours after that.  then Jayme came over to study for our molecular diagnostics midterm that's tomorrow morning.  it was hard to focus, but at least it was a distraction.  but as soon as she left i started crying again and havent' really stopped since then.

today was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  I swear it was my guardian angel that saved me.  I honestly don't know what happened.  I don't know how i avoided those two cars  and i don't know how i got out of the semi's way in time.  I just don't even know. My car is fine- aside from having really muddy tires now.  the alignment might be out- it was kind of shaky driving home (but i was shaky, too). it could have been just the mud in the tires.  i don't know.

But then that stupid medical shit.  I can't handle this.  I keep thinking "maybe this will be the answer i've been searching for for 9 years"  but do you know how many times i've thought that?  and it still isn't true.  and i really hope one of the blood tests comes up positive.  because i want an answer to this whole mystery.  but then-- i dont want to the answer that a rheumatologist is going to give me.  But i don't want a negative test result, either, because that's just another door that gets slammed in my face.
I don't know which is worse.  but seriously, at this point, i can't handle it either way.

and i don't want to take the molecular diagnostics midterm tomorrow.
i've given up studying any more today.  i guess i'll get up early and hopefully will feel a little more hopeful.  i doubt it.  but maybe.


(Title: Lyrics to "Again" by Flyleaf (not Saosin... shocker!))

"My thoughts exploding in thousands of pieces"

Went to my sports doctor yesterday.  He said I don't need to completely stop exercise while I let the IT band inflammation calm down.  He said spinning is fine, though.  So that's good.  And he said I'm already doing everything right.  He noticed the bruises i have on my legs from rolling on the foam roller so much.  He said "yeah, maybe you should lay off of that for awhile".  Haha.  But yeah, about the exercise he just said no running for a while- at least until I get the custom orthotics- and he said "you're smart enough to know what movements use what muscles.  and you know when something doesn't feel right.  So with trial and error see what you can handle and rest when you need to, and keep up with the ice and motrin".  So as long as it isn't in pain and what I"m doing isn't aggravating it, I'm good to go.  My hip has felt okay the last couple of days.  I went spinning Thursday night and it felt fine.  And he thinks the orthotics will help my hip a lot, too.
That was comforting.

I went to Jayme's today and we studied molecular pathology from 11:30am-830pm.  We took about an hour long break to eat dinner and watch an episode of House, but even as we did that we worked on our thalassemia presentation.

Our current facebook statuses:

"G72/30, BDNF, MAOA, COMT, PIPK2A, 5HTT, CD14, IL10, CCL5, IL13, MYOC, OPTN, CYTP1B1, WDR36, RHO, RDS, ROM1, RP1, PRPF31 ,PDE6A, PDE6B,  RPE65, RPGR, RP2, CFTR, ATP7B, His1069Gln, Hip1, HP, Hippi, PKD1, PKD2, PKHD1, DMD, gp130, LIF, FMR1, APP, bAP, PS1, PS2, SEC, SECR, FALS, SOD1, CNTF, POAG, PACG, RP, BD, SHOX1, NOD2/CARD15, NFKB ,IBD3, DLG5, SLC22A4, SLC22A5, PDE4D, ALOX5AP, FLAP, MMP3, IL6, PC, PS, CBS, MTHFR, MS, PLP, A222V, E429A, D919G (Find the error!) "

Those are some (sadly, not even close to all (FB has a word limit for statuses)) of the genes, diseases and protein acryomns that we have to learn for Monday's test.  And it's not enough to know what they stand for, we have to know the pathogenesis of each disease, it's inheretance pattern, symptoms, risk factors, etc, for them all- and of course which gene/ mutated protein goes to which disease.  Hence we spent 8 hours on this today. (and the error is "CYTP1B1".  It should be "CYP1B1"- one of the four possible genes that can be mutated causing glaucoma (The POAG (primary open angle glaucoma) type)). 

So that exam is Monday morning.  I have the medical law and ethics exam Monday night (3.5 hour long essay exam. yikes).  Jayme is coming over all day Tuesday because we have molecular diagnostics exam on Wednesday morning (which is going to be ridiculously difficult and we didn't even have time to look at that today) and their our presentation is Wednesday night.
But I'm not stressed out.  Don't worry.

(Title: Lyrics to "Come Close" by Saosin)

"You'd better learn that this will not blow over"

I called Nathan tonight as I was driving home from campus and he asked how my day was and I told him about my stupid hip and vented and cried for at least 10 minutes about how I just can't handle this right now.  and that even though Lisa has strongly recommended i NOT workout until i see the sports dr, that i have to at least try tomorrow. for my sanity.  i have to just go and try. 
after 10 minutes i felt stupid and then i said "but, besides that, my day was good".
he laughed and said, "so aside from freaking out all day you were good?  that makes sense"

/deep breath/

it's taking every ounce of strength to keep it together right now.


(Title: lyrics to "It's far better to learn" by saosin)

"Don't let them know you're watching the situation crumble"

I hate my IT band.  I hate my body. It always betrays me.  Always. And no, that isn't black and white thinking- that's the damn truth.  I can provide proof of this.

If I can't workout tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed.  I already took yesterday off and have to take today off because of the pain.  I have to take Friday and Saturday off due to my schedule, and Sunday is questionable.  If I can't at least have Thursday, I'm going to fucking explode. 

I can't take this right now.  I just can't.

I'm stuck on campus until 9pm and all I want is to run, orto have a fucking razor blade with me. 
And neither are possible.

I hate this.
And I hate this semester, so I can't even escape into studying.  I hate studying this semester.
I can't handle this.  Not right now.


(Title: lyrics to "Follow and Feel" by Saosin)

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not sure"

stupid IT band syndrome is back full force.  My right hip is absolutely killing me right now.
what causes it? well, overuse, increasing running and cycling amounts (particularly too much too soon), uneven muscle strength (especially weak abductors- which i don't know if mine are strong or not), abnormal walking patterns due to a wide array of things- including twisted tibias, which I very much have.

I guess this is why my right knee was acting up a while ago.  now it moved into my hip again.  (my right tibia is the more twisted of the two)

remedies: stretching, rolling on it with a foam roller (i do this everyday with my IT bands), ice, rest, orthotics, and drugs such as motrin.

I've been doing the stretching, rolling, ice, and as much motrin as I'm allowed.  I'm getting orthotics soon (i finally made the appt with my dr and my physical therapist).  I've avoided the resting part.  Well- i did take a day off today to rest it.  But i dont plan on extending the rest any longer than a day.

i know that's stupid.  and my hip hurts.  but motrin helps.  and maybe by tomorrow it won't hurt so bad.  I aggrivated it yesterday and it's been really bad ever since.  so if i take precautions to not aggrivate it as much tomorrow, maybe it'll be okay... sure... ?

I see my sports doctor on Friday for the orthotic prescription (originally just because of my feet and calves).  i'll mention the IT band syndrome stuff- although he'll just say "yup, that's what it is".  he'll probably mention PT again, i'll decline, he'll give me the orthotics script and that will be that.  i wish i didn't have to bother going.  i wish he could just fax the script to my PT. 

the fact that i plan on running and spinning tomorrow even with my IT band obviously hating me for it right now should be a wake up call to me that I still very much have a problem with exercise.  I know I do. But... I don't care right now.  I've already decreased the amount I'm doing per week and Lisa said I can stay at this amount for awhile to adjust and then maybe in a few weeks decrease it again.  I like that idea more than resting a lot right now.  I don't want to rest right now.   I'm sorry, but I don't.

(Title: Lyrics to "Seven Years" by Saosin)

"You fall apart, and then you stop"

SAOSIN!

 

We were so close!

 

Cove (vocal) and Chris (bass)

 

Justin (guitar), Cove, Chris

I didn't get a good picture of the drummer, Alex. And their other guitarist, Beau, wasn't there.  They never did answer why (although many fans yelled that question out to them)

(Title: Lyrics to "Changing" by Saosin)

Do not disturb

Email to Lisa number 1:
I'm at xxxx calories so far this week before counting Saturday... I kind of want to run tomorrow but I know I'm supposed to decreasing every week and last week I did xxxx.  I'm kind of torn on what to do... especially because Sunday will probably be a rest day, too.

Email to Lisa number 2:
Ok, my dilemma with running has increased.  I haven't "released" any weight this week.  Last week when I lost 2 lbs i thought "ok, maybe this WILL work".  Now I'm scared again.

Email from Lisa:
You released 2 pounds last week so it’s still averaging 1 a week

You look perfect to me.

Don’t let ED keep wanting you to get scrawny.

This is a better exercise level than before I think.

Room to breathe and have a life.

 

"Room to breath and have a life".  Maybe that's what I'm scared of... ?  If I'm caught up in the ED- whether it's restricting or exercise (only exercise right now- I'm still not restricting), then I can avoid life.  I can isolate.  I only exercise alone.  I hate doing it with other people (unless it's a spinning class).  So it's my alone time.  It's the time of day I don't have to deal with people.  The more time I spend working out, the less time I have to be social.  And lately, all I've felt like doing is isolating.  I hate going to work during the week because that's when people are there.  If I go on the weekends I have the clinic to myself and not have to talk to anyone.  I haven't wanted to hang out with any friends.  I didn't see anyone over break last week (jayme was in flordia, though... i'm sure we would have hung out).   I avoid the health science computer lab because all of the MLS people are always in there.  I'm sick of most of them.  So I go to the no-talking floor of the library in between classes- or go to the gym.  I dread my TA job because I have to deal with students- and some of them drive me insane.  I'm sorry, but I"m so sick of the foreigners.  SPEAK ENGLISH.  And try to understand it.  AND STOP CHEATING!!!!!  Seriously- if you can't understand the stuff we're doing in the lab, then maybe you're not meant to be a med tech.  I know that's mean, but they don't even try half the time.  They expect people to just give them answers.  AND THEY CHEAT.  /end rant

Moral of the story- if it isn't Nathan, I don't want to be around them.  So basically, I don't want to have room to breathe and have a life.  I'm okay with isolating. 

SAOSIN!!!

Got to see my FAVORITE band tonight!!!!! What's even more awesome is that they're pretty much an underground band.  They've only had 2 songs (You're not alone and Changing) on the radio (and I never even heard them on the radio- I've only heard this from other people).  Being an underground band equals small concerts and small venues for cheap tickets.  Which means I was 3 feet from the stage!!!!!!!

Cove (the singer) was amazing tonight.  He went all out on vocals.  They were all awesome.   I've seen them 3 times (at warped tour last summer, a small venue last November and then tonight) and this was probably my favorite time so far.  Partly because this was the smallest concert, and partly because they were going all out tonight.  3 feet away!! I can't believe it.  AND they played [one of] my favorite song[s] (Some sense of security)!  I had been waiting for them to do that since they didn't the two other times we saw them.  I heard the opening chords and could barely believe it.  I looked at Nathan like "wait, really?  MY SONG???" I kind of started freaking out at that point.  It sounded great live.  I figured they wouldn't do that one or Come Close (they haven't played Come close) live because vocals would be hard on Cove's vocal chords.  But they did it!  And it was amazing.

Then at the end, right before Bury Your Head , Nathan gave me a small kiss on the cheek.  Then we looked up and Chris (bass player) was staring right at us!  He had a weird look in his eye as if to say "what, you just kissed her?"  And he kept staring at us!  We both just smiled at each other (me and Chris) and I started singing along and he smiled at us again and then got wrapped up in the song.  Ahh!  Chris noticed us!  And we were 3 feet away!!!  Too bad it wasn't Cove.  (by the way- I re-named my car Cove.  Nathan really doesn't like the name Sebastian and kept making fun of it.  So I named it Cove.  and it has good alliteration: Cove the Cobalt.  Plus, I love Cove and I love Saosin, so it works out).

I'm basically still pumped right now- which is bad because I really need to get to bed.
I took a few picture and i'll upload them tomorrow.

To anyone who reads my blog:  CHECK OUT SAOSIN!!! If you like good music and can appreciate really unique guitar and bass parts, and awesome lyrics, then you'll love them.  Also, if you hate all of the popular crap that's out right now (ie: lady gagme and britney needs to be stabbed by spears) and you're into rock, then you'll love them.  Seriously. (recommendations (aside from all of them): Come Close, Some Sense of Security, Love Maker (aka Worst of Me), Let Go Control, Bury Your Head, Sleepers, Changing, On My Own, and Collapse).  (Also: I Never Wanted To, Say Goodbye, Fireflies, Alarming Sound of a Still Small Voice, Seven Years, Lost Symphonies and Is This Real).

coming together

Mom and I went to my aunts house this afternoon and drove around and took pictures of the apartments Nathan and I liked online.  He wanted to make sure they weren't in a ghetto neighborhood and he wanted proof. haha.  A couple of them were questionable but the ones we liked were still good. 

Anyway, my aunt said "do you need any furnature?" I said yes, that we don't have much, at this point.  She said that Nicole (my cousin) is moving back to Chicago and doesn't need her dining room table, and that she (my aunt) has two couches in the basement she doesn't need.  She said we can have all of that!  She mentioned that my grandpa might even have stuff he might want to get rid of.  But I don't know- he does seem sentimental.  Anything that reminds him of grandma he has a hard time getting rid of. 

So yeah.  I'm excited.

Oh!  And I found my shoes and jewelry yesterday and tried on MY dress.  It finally came in!  It fit perfectly except for the hem.  I love it! 

everything is starting to come together.  :D

little ones

Yesterday Nathan and I were cuddling on the couch and he said, "you know, the most disappointing thing about me not starting pharmacy school this fall is that we have to wait another year to have kids".

I've thought this a lot, but I hadn't wanted to say it out loud.  To say it, made it true. 

I guess I should at least be happy that he is just as eager and excited about kids as I am.  I know of a lot of couples that disagree on this issue.  And that is a HUGE issue to disagree on.  I mean- disagreeing about The Smashing Pumpkins (gross) and the Dave Matthews Band (good) is one thing - we've just agreed to never listen to either when we're with each other, but kids is entirely different.  :oP  (is it sad that that's our biggest disagreement?  or maybe that's good)

I love when Nathan puts his hand or head on my stomach and looks at me and softly says, "there's going to be a baby in here".
I see him with his nephews, I see him with my nieces and nephew, and I can tell he's going to be a great daddy.

We'll probably have to wait until I'm 28 or 29 (and he's 30 or 31)
And seeing as I'm only 23 right now... that seems too far away.

But, we'll be together forever, and eventually God will bless us with little ones, and I find great comfort in that.

Moving out!

So, separately today, Nathan and I both decided we'd rather live in our own place and not my grandpa's empty house.  We also both started looking at the same website, looking at the same type of place for the same price range and liked a few of the same ones.

I called him and I told him I'd rather we get our own apt with my stipend money and he said "me too, i'm looking apts up right now.  I said "me too.  we should just get married or something."


I've spent the last two hours looking at apartments and condos.  And daydreaming.  I'm getting more and more excited about this.  As much as it would be nice to stay at my grandpa's for cheap, it doesn't make as much sense now that we know he won't be in grad school on the other side of the state. 
We both think that putting my stipend money towards rent is a good idea.  Then we can pretend we're just living off his income with no rent to pay.  One that we both really like is $50 less than my stipend, so that'd be perfect. 

it will be fun to go down there and check these places out!  

I'm really excited!

I hate snow

I'm so anxious about making decisions.  I was supposed to go to campus either today or tomorrow to help a professor in her lab. (we're on "spring break" this week) At first I told her Tuesday worked out.  But then I called the florist who is doing our wedding and she was open Tuesday at 12 for an appt.  So I did that,  and emailed Dr R telling her something came up on Tuesday, that I'll come in on Monday. 
I woke up to 5 inches of snow and it's still coming down.  My guess is an inch an hour, and it isn't supposed to stop until 4pm.  Mom said when she went out this morning the plows weren't even out yet.  I guess they wanted to wait until it stopped snowing?  I don't know.  Anyway, I started freaking out because I live on a dirt road which is difficult to get my car down when it's snowy and icy.  Plus, I knew the main roads were bad- mom said they were really icy.  Campus is 30 minutes away- about 20 miles.  And it's not that I don't think I can handle the snowy roads (assuming I can get to the main roads), it's that I don't trust OTHER drivers.  You'd think that living in Michigan, everyone would know how to drive in the snow.  But no, everyone freaks out and drives like idiots.  It's rather pathetic.  So I'm scared to drive anywhere today because of idiot drivers who will probably be texting while they drive (I'm anti-texting... ESPECIALLY WHEN DRIVING.  but i know of people who do this and it makes me come close to hating them).

ANYWAY.  I started freaking out to my mom, not knowing what to do because, of course, I'm indecisive as ever.  I finally came to the decision that since I don't HAVE to go in today, that she said I had the option of Monday or Tuesday, I should just in Tuesday and be safe and not drive anywhere tonight.  Sounds reasonable, I suppose.  I asked mom "am I being safe or am I being a baby and a wimp".  She gave me a look and said, "probably a wimp, but you're right, there's no sense in risking it when you don't have to."

So I emailed Dr R telling her I was declaring a personal snow day, had rearranged things tomorrow, and can be there early afternoon tomorrow instead.
I didn't rearrange anything, but the florist thing shouldn't last that long, and she did say that if the person before us gets done early, she'd call us and we can come in even earlier.  So technically, I should be able to get to campus by early afternoon.

But now I keep second guessing myself.  I keep thinking- I should have just dealt with the roads and gone in today.  Now I can't go to the spinning class later on.  True, I can work out at home, but I can't do spinning at home.  And I keep worrying that Dr R was counting on me today- even though originally I was going in on Tuesday.  I know it doesn't matter.  All she needs me for is washing out a lot of glassware in her research lab.  She said it'll only take a couple of hours.  I can do that tomorrow.

But I'm freaking out.  I hate snow.  Winter is fine, but I hate snowy, icy roads.  I hate that winter in Michigan is dangerous.  I keep turning on the news only to see images of more car crashes.  I don't want that to be me, but really- I don't want that to be anyone.  I hate snow.

So I guess I'll study all day, try to be productive.  Maybe get a workout in later.  Maybe even get my room picked up (since it's a disaster zone right now).
But I need to get over this nagging guilt I have over staying home all day.  We are going to the cake lady's house tonight to pick out a wedding cake, but I'm going to make Nathan drive since he has a jeep and can get through anything.

It's not helping that mom is making peanutbutter chicken tonight for dinner.  That's a scary food for me.  I usually avoid being home for dinner when she makes this.  But obviously I'm stuck at home and can't avoid it.

the list of positives outweighs the disappointment

So, Nathan found out tonight he didn't get into pharmacy school.  The letter said, "We didn't recieve your transcripts on time so we were unable to consider you."  THAT'S SO UNFAIR.  It's not Nathan's fault for our stupid university's lack of productivity.  I hate our university.  My program there is fantastic- best one in Michigan, but aside from that, I hate it.
He said he was really upset about it at first.  But then he started to feel okay about it.  He called me at 1 this morning and we talked for quite awhile about it.  There are a lot of positive things that come from him not getting in this year.  And like he said- just because he didn't get in this year doesn't mean he's at a dead end.  He can still apply next year, and to possibly more schools- maybe even in the Chicago area (that would be weird to move there).


Positives:
-WE DON'T HAVE TO BE APART OUR FIRST YEAR AS NEWLYWEDS!
-This is good for a lot of reasons:
-----It'll already be a huge adjustment for both of us- being married, moving out, etc.  Plus, I'll be in my internship full time, and if he's in grad school across the state, we'd have to adjust to that huge change on top of everything else-- while being apart. 
-----I'd have to work during the internship and get even more stressed out if he was gone
----I seriously question my stability if we were apart for that year.  As much as I'd like to live alone for awhile, I don't want to live alone when we're married.  And, I dont' really trust myself with the food and exercise if I was stressed, lonely and alone with no one to keep tabs on me.  I have a feeling the bipolar would go crazy, too. This had been one of my concerns.
-He can work full time as a pharmacy technician
-I can go on his insurance, and not have to take the smaller stipend from the internship so that I have insurance
-He can dedicate a lot of time into preparing for the PCAT again and maybe get a higher score.
-He'd have a better chance at getting in next year because working full time at CVS definitely shows interest and dedication to being a pharmacist- and having a better PCAT score will look better.  Plus, him being in the Navy already helps to set him apart.
- We can get a gym membership and not have to worry about affording it.  He finds exercise a big part of health. He said tonight "it's like medicine or food, it's necessary".  I had been worried about it- if we were barely making money and he was in grad school, that would be one thing that would have to go.  And, if we go there together he can make sure I don't start doing too much. ;)
- We can save up a lot, since we'll be staying at my grandpa's empty house that whole time and we wont' have school tuition to pay for.  this will make the transition to him being a full time grad student a lot easier. (although he does get a lot of help with tuition from the navy).
- I wont' have to work during my internship- i can focus on studying, and not get burned out.
-Um, have a mentioned I can live with my HUSBAND?
- I wont have to try to make as many trips across the state to see him.
- My internship and his job will be within 3 miles of where we'll be living
- I can live with him.
- We don't have to live apart
- We won't be 3 hours from each other
- I can kiss him good night
- I can kiss him good morning
- I can kiss him good afternoon


It's good to finally know one way or the other, too.  It was hard to not know how our living arrangements were going to be.  We didn't know how insurance would work out, how our jobs would work out.  We didn't know if we'd be apart.  So many unknowns.  I hate unknowns.  So as much as it's a disappointment he didn't get in- especially because him not even being considered wasn't his fault (again, i hate our school), it's good to at least know so we can finally plan our future.  And it's probably best it's working out this way.

He's such a good example to me.  He's handling this so much better than I expected him to.  On the phone tonight it was almost as if HE was comforting ME.  He got more time to think about it than I did, though.  But he said "It must have been supposed to work out this way.  It was out of my hands.  God knows what's best for us and we must not have been supposed to be apart next year.  I'll get into a school eventually.  This year just wasn't my time".

Wow. 

I can't sleep now.  my mind is racing.
At first it was just the "what-if's" that i'm so good at focusing on, but then it turned to the long list of positives we came up with.  And i keep going over them again and again.  I guess reassuring myself that this is all okay.  Because it is.  Because I know he WILL get into pharmacy school someday.  Because I'm glad we don't have to be apart.  Because I know I'll be able to get a steady job in any hospital after next year and so whatever happens, at least we'll have that.  And we'll have each other.  And we don't have to start off our marriage completely stressed out and alone.

God is good.  And He knows what's best.  He's watching out for us, I don't doubt it.
It's hard for me not to worry sometimes, but i do trust Him.

knees are gross

I ran today.  I didn't pay attention to the time intervals.  I just ran until I felt i should walk again.  I'm sick of interval training while i work back into it, but i understand why it's necessary.  But i didn't lock myself into 2 minute run 1 minute walk.  I just listened to my body.  And it felt great.

My right knee has been feeling weird lately.  The patellar tendon feels tight.  Now, I absolutely HATE knees, so to even THINK about the patellar tendon COMPLETELY grosses me out.  yuck yuck yuck!  Anyway, usually it's been a sign that my quad is too tight, so I stretch my quads for awhile and my knee feels better.  But i noticed it again today during my warm up, about half way into the run/walk, and at the end when i got off the treadmill... even after I stretched a lot.

Gross knees.  ew. 

This only concerns me because I"ve had tendonitis in my knees before.  Plus my IT band is always really tight and knotty, and the compartment syndrome in my calves and the recent tendonitis in my feet, and my twisted tibias.  There's a lot going on with my legs!  I don't need anything else. 

Maybe it is just compensating for my quads getting stronger.  That would make sense- I've been focusing on my quads a lot because they've been my weak point for as long as i can remember.  At one point i could lift more weight with my triceps than I could with my quads.  That's pathetic! 
Anyway.  It's not pain I"m feeling in my knee- just tightness and pulling.  GROSS!  worst feeling ever.
ew. 

ah, if only this blog could show how much i'm cringing right now... trust me, it's a lot.
(yes, i realize i dissect cadavers and do not get grossed out at all by that.  but i will NOT dissect a knee.  i will NOT show a student a dissected knee, and i will NOT even think about what a dissected knee looks like).


Mom wants me to go down and play Mist with her on the computer (one of those mystery puzzle games).  I told her I wanted to, but that I wasn't sure I had the time to start that game with her since those games last a while, and I'm so busy with school and hardly home.  She made a sad face, sighed and said "well, i don't start it until you decide".  Gee, thanks mom.  way to make me feel guilty for not spending time with you.  I guess i do feel bad though- i'm moving out in 3 months.  but still.  i need to study more tonight.  

dissections and nerdy friends

I got another dissecting project today.  Dr B emailed me and asked if I wanted to dissect a female pelvis.

Hm. That's a new one.

Although- I have done a hysterectomy on a cadaver before.  It was the only one I had seen that still had her uterus (92 yr old!).  We wanted to keep the uterus for other semesters to show them since we no longer had our other one.  So that was cool.

But apparently I'll be cutting a body in 3 sections (at the top of the femur and at the iliac crest aka the "hip bone") and taking the middle part?  That's what I've gathered from her description, but I'm still not completely sure.  She wants to see the iliac arteries and a few others I never had to learn.  And she wants to be able to show how the uterus fits in there with the bladder and along with the other structures.  Interesting. 


Had a fun day with Jayme today.  We watched House and picked it apart.  Finding all of the mistakes they were making and laughing at how inaccurate it is.  And then we ended up correctly diagnosing the patient long before they did.  I'm glad all of my medical training is coming in handy!
(nerdy examples: Dr: "patient has a prolonged PT".  another dr: well, what could that indicate"  Me:  "A FACTOR VII DEFICIENCY!!!... or an inhibitor... you'd need a factor assay to know!!!"  Jayme just laughed.  And then another one (or maybe the same episode, i can't remember, they all blend together afterawhile) there was an alcoholic and they at some point were bleeding uncontrollably.  both of us yelled out at the same time, "vitamin K deficiency!"- and it was- secondary to celiac's disease.  go us.)
It is cool though- how watching that show now is so different than watching it 2 or 3 years ago when I didn't know about pathophysiology.  It's fun now to laugh at it.

When i asked Jayme earlier this week if she wanted to do something i said "do you want to do something on Friday?  and by something, i mean nothing".  she said "absolutely."
so we sat and watched House and looked up random diseases on her laptop and were nerdy all afternoon.  It was amazing.
I'm glad we met last year.  She's what keeps me sane going through our program at school.

I'm lucky to have him.

Nathan ended up getting everything done early and we were able to hang out tonight.  I told him all about what's been going on.  I told him i'll probably be crabby and anxious for the next few weeks as i try to adjust to a lower amount of exercise.  He's so understanding.  He doesn't judge me or get mad or upset for me falling back into this.  He was happy that I reached out to Lisa and was willing to start cutting back.  He still claims he has no idea how I could lose weight.  He asked "where would it come from?"  And he understands that it isn't all about weight... that it's deeper than that. Seriously- he's amazing.  I couldn't ask for a more understanding, patient, and compassionate man than him.  He doesn't freak out when I mess up.  He just lets me talk through it and offers support.  He never criticizes.  and I'm never ashamed to tell him anything. 
I told him I was upset with myself that I fell back into the compulsive exercise.  and that I don't know how or when it happened.  but i know he'll support me through this.

my goal for next week is to replace some of the workouts i do at home with yoga.  i do vinyasa yoga, so it's still kind of intense, but certainly not as much as the other stuff.  This way i'd still be doing something, but burning less calories.  I asked lisa in tonight's check in if that sounded reasonable.  i think it does, but again, i can't always trust my judgement with this.

oh, and day two of lent:  i reached my protein goal!

food, lent and the like

well, i didn't exercise as much today.  but since it was only due to time restrictions and not by my own chosing, I can't really catagorize the day into success or fail.  I would have much rather done a lot more.  But i had to set up the parasitology lab practical exam and my class before that ran late, so time was very limited.

the MLS society had a meeting today after one our classes and they got pizza for it.  pizza sounded a lot better than my turkey sandwich i had packed for dinner, so i had a piece.  except then i realized how hungry i was and had another piece.  i was mentally freaking out about this.  but then realized it all worked out because i didn't have it on top of my dinner, i had it instead of my dinner (that i had packed).  I tracked my food when i got home and i'm still at the low end of my range.  So really... crisis averted.  I'm still okay. 

And Lent starts again today.  Lent is always hard for me.  Because so many people give up foods, and as a Catholic, we're technically supposed to fast Ash Wednesday (today) and Good Friday.  Not a complete fast, but there are guidelines I wont' get into here.  The exception to this is if you're pregnant, nursing, or have a health condition in which you shouldn't fast.  I have been told by more than one person that recovering from anorexia qualifies as that.  And the last couple of years I have not fasted on these days.  And unlike most everyone else, what I gave up was not food related.  I just can't.  I can't equate food with my faith.  I love my faith and aside from this I try to be the best Catholic that I can be.  But I refuse to relate fasting to God, even though for the normal person, it makes sense.  (besides, fasting isn't THAT much of a sacrifice to me, i mean... seriously). 

But it gets hard around here because my parents are "hardcore" Catholics.  Us kids joke around that if my parents hadn't met they'd be a priest and a nun.  My dad's an ordained deacon as it is.  So of course they're fasting today.  And during lent they don't eat snacks between meals or after dinner (and whatever else they do).  But... I ate today (i made sure to pack my food for the day before they got up and came downstairs to see it).  And I do eat snacks between meals, because that's what my RD has me do.  And I'm scared if I don't, bad things will follow.
There's a lot of guilt that comes with being in my family. 
Since I was 7, my parents fast every wednesday and friday (again, not a complete fast- and again, i won't go into details).  But for us kids, since we were young and still growing, we just didn't eat meat every wednesday and friday (like how people don't eat meat on Fridays during lent--- we just did it all year).  If I ever went to a friends house on a Friday night and they were having meat for dinner, I'd feel SO guilty about it afterwards.  I didn't want to be rude and refuse to eat with them, but oh no!  I had meat on a Friday!
Ugh.

When I was in the hospital I had to have a couple phone sessions with my parents.  And during our first one I told them I was not following that anymore.  That not eating meat was not a sacrifice for me, and neither was fasting (obviously).  I told them that if I need a protein source, and it happened to meat, and it happened to be a wednesday or a friday, then fine.  I was going to eat meat to get my protein.  I also told them I wasn't ready to fast during lent.  They got it.  At least they did then.  They're used to the meat on wednesday and friday thing... but my mom seemed kind of surprised when she found out i wasn't fasting today.  And i wanted to be like, "i really cant' handle it right now".  but then i was afraid that would tip her off... like, "wait, right now?  what's going on with you right now? ARE YOU RELAPSING?".
ugh.

wow, this post is a lot longer than i ever intended it to be.

so, i think this year for lent, i'm actually going to focus on food, but in a different way.  I'm going to try really hard to get my minimum 70 grams of protein everyday.  I hate protein.  I gag at the thought of it.  I can't tell you the last time I've reached my minimum.  So jokingly the other day my mom mentioned i should try to get all my protein everyday during lent.  but seriously- that will be really hard and a really good sacrifice.  all the while not depriving my body and focusing on treating it well.  I think that's a good compromise. 
I actually managed 80 grams today!  Day one and I'm already an overachiever. haha. 

Nathan is so stressed out.  I wont see him tomorrow, afterall.  well- i might for a few minutes on campus but we can't hang out tomorrow night like i thought we would.  he doesn't work friday but i have tentative plans with jayme on friday (because i assumed he be working).  turns out he works saturday instead. hopefully jayme and i can hang out saturday instead because i am missing Nathan like crazy right now.  and he needs to relax after this hell week.

olympics are on- mom just came to tell me that.  i think that's her passive aggressive way of telling me i need to get out of my room and go downstairs.  i guess it wouldn't hurt to not be antisocial tonight.  except i had a long day on campus surrounded by a lot of people.  hibernating is kinda nice...

trying

Well, day 1 of reducing my exercise has been a failure.  Although, Lisa says to judge it as a weekly total, not necessarily on a daily basis, so maybe by the end of the week it'll be okay.  But I'll try to be honest tonight when I email her my final totals. 

I've really wanted to Nathan about all of this.  But I really won't be able to until Thursday night.  He has a huge exam on Thursday, and until then he's either in class or at work.  Plus he has homework due his two other classes, tomorrow and thursday morning.  He's a bit stressed.  I won't even be able to talk to him much until Thursday night, let alone discuss this with him. 
There's no way I'll tell my mom about it.  She'll be on my case whenever I workout at home.  The worst thing for me is feeling like I'm being monitored.  And that's what I feel like my parents do if they know something is up. 
At least with Nathan, he trusts me, and he's never with me when I workout so in that respect, he couldn't monitor me if he wanted to. 
But without him knowing, I feel kind of alone in this.

I need to go eat a snack... but part of me is saying I don't need it.  But... I do need it.  I'm hungry and I can't let myself go under today.  Especially when I'm checking in with Lisa. 

annoyed

UGH
what's with the passive aggressiveness thing, mom?
Grow up and use your words.

Response and conclusions

Lisa finally got back with me today.  We've exchanged several emails since then  (panic-ridden ones from me and calming and reassuring ones from her).

Basically, I'm doing too much.  She claims I could be doing less than half of what I'm doing now.  But she doesn't expect me to change that all at once and says I can gradually reduce it.  She doesn't want to change the food intake since I'm comfortable with my range right now.  But she says she sees this all the time:  that bodies cling to the weight when someone is doing too much on too little food.  So if I bring it back into a better balance I'll notice more of a change.  But that is SO hard to trust.

her last line to me today was:
"Sounds like bastard is in your head from the exercise bulimia route more than you thought…. But with small changes you’ll realize you don’t gain a million pounds and life is still good."

I think I'm going to email her back and ask if I can check in with her every few days (or more) and let her know how much I'm doing and to make sure a conscience reduction in exercise doesn't lead to an unconscience reduction in food.

Basically, I need to be a lot more honest about this.   It was hard to read her call it exercise bulimia.  Even though I kinda already knew that.  At least-- I knew I had that problem before, but I no longer thought of me as having that.  But really... I'm just good at lying to myself.






I'd also like to make a note because I'm sure this is something that might seem weird and contradictory (further supporting my blog name)
I know I talk about being sick and chronically exhausted from the narcolepsy and CFIDS.  And then, here I talk about exercising too much.  That's part of the problem... I am exhausted on a daily basis.  And yet, I push through it to workout.  Plus, if I only have a little bit of energy, it's a daily debate of where the energy is focused: school, work, or exercise.  I am getting better at focusing it towards school and work. But I still put a lot of it towards exercise and end up getting stressed out later because I'm too tired to study.  But pretty much-- I'm just used to it.  I've been chronically exhausted for 9 years.  And now that I have the narcolepsy medication in the morning, I'm a lot better than it used to be.  So even though I'm still sick and not 100% healthy in that respect, comparatively, i'm a lot better than I was, which makes me feel like I can push workouts harder.  Also- on my "good" days, when I feel less tired (hallelujah!) I push the workouts that much harder to "make up" for my sick days (like today was).  If that makes sense.
But apparently that is backfiring if too much exercise without an increased food intake is causing my body to refuse losing weight.
Seriously, this shouldn't be so difficult.

My class that usually goes until 10pm got out by 845 tonight.  So I'm already home in my pajamas when I would have otherwise still been in class.  And, we got our first papers back, and before she handed them back she was saying how they weren't that great and that she'll offer extra credit points later on in the semester if we revise them.  I was getting all nervous.  And then I got mine back and saw I got a 98%.  I wonder what she'd say if I turned in a revised copy of the paper with the couple of a corrections I need to make. 


(oh, and i finished the foot yesterday and Dr B said "andi, it's GORGEOUS!  Better than I could have hoped for!  I can see each individual fiber... you must have spent hours getting every bit of adipose tissue off of it."  Yeah... I spent 9 hours on that one foot.  It was pretty amazing, if I do say so myself.  I'm proud of it.  I wish I could take and post pictures...).

a little bit of everything

Still haven't heard back from Lisa... but I've been checking my email every hour...

I finished my paper today.  And I went to work for 4 hours.  Both are big accomplishments since I was dreading both of them.  Only managed a "mini"workout (aka, not enough), but I'm trying to be okay about it.  i didn't track my food today, either, and that might not be helping my anxiety levels.  maybe I should, it might put my mind at ease.

Listened to good music tonight and relaxed.  Felt kind of weird to do that.  I felt like I was wasting time.  But I had the house to myself, had my paper done, was home from work, was still waiting on jayme to finish typing up our stuff from yesterday so i can make the power point.  i could have studied molecular diagnostics... but i was tired.  So i sat on the couch with the laptop and listened to Alexisonfire and some City and Colour.  Pretty much opposite types of music, but Dallas Green sings in both and his voice is amazing. 

Got to talk to Nathan tonight when he got off work.  I miss him.  I get to see him tomorrow.  For Mass, and then we'll split ways again for the day but he's coming over to my house tomorrow night to study and hang out. 

After Mass, I'm going straight to the anatomy lab to finish the foot dissection since I didn't make it out there today.  I hope it doesn't take me too much longer.  but it's a hard dissection.

here's a conversation I had with a friend who is actually in school to be a pathologist right now:

her: Dude foot dissecting is hard. What do you dissect? Do you go all the way down to the interosseous muscles?

me: i'm going all the way down to the ligaments. it's very tedious... which is partly why i love it so much.  no muscles are left on the foot as of now (except for some around the toes that is so hard to get off but doesn't matter for what she needs it for). i have the bifurcate and spring ligaments and a few others. the guy's foot doesn't exactly look like my Netters' pictures so I'm slightly confused. i got the foot that i did last year out and that helped more than the picture. :P 

her: HOT DAMN your doing THOSE? I don't think we ever got that detailed in my anatomy lab. Those were just too difficult to get to.  
(i loved this response) 


I like being good at something (and dare I say, better than other people at something).  Something outside of the ED.  I like being recognized for my talents... actually, just having a talent is good enough.  But being recognized for it, especially professors, feels really good. It kind of feels weird, though... to accept it. 
I used to have violin and dance, but those have been on the back-burner lately. 

 Meh.  I need to get to bed.  Maybe I wouldn't hate morning so much if I managed to get to bed at a decent hour.  Not that going to bed early does any good... i still lay awake for hours.

moving forward?

I ended up emailing my dietitian today about this whole dilemma. i even pasted my last post into the email so that i wouldn't miss anything.  I got a response within a few hours but it just was saying that she did get the email and that she'll be replying over the weekend.  I appreciate her at least telling me that much. 

i ended up working out today.  i somehow felt a little more energized and then my friend called and said she was running late and wouldn't be here until 2.  This gave me plenty of time to squeeze something in... and my parents were gone so it was the best opportunity to do it (i feel slightly awkward working out in the living room when my dad is home and downstairs, so i prefer to workout when they're not home).  I did double my narcolepsy med.  which, in itself isn't bad.  I'm allowed to do that if I need it.  And my friend and I were actually REALLY productive once she got here.

Part of the problem is that I simply do NOT trust my body.

Plus, it took a lot of effort to focus on getting my eating back to normal and I couldn't really focus on the exercise aspect of things.  I nearly went insane last fall when I had to go 3 months w.out exercising because of my stupid heart and the stupid 8 classes I had to take.
So really- i focused so much on the eating aspect I couldn't focus on both sides.  And now that my eating has pretty much stabilized, i feel.... ready (if that's the right word) to start focusing on the exercise "addiction" i seem to be in.

When I was leaving my IP program the summer of 08, they were pretty much concerned i'd go home and workout too much.  they said if i shouldn't workout for at least 3 months or something crazy like that.  I agreed i'd do that just to shut them up, but really- that was ridiculous to me.  Luckily my dietitian i started seeing when I got home completely agreed with me and worked with me to incorporate some exercise in with my meal plan.  (even then, i always went over what she "allowed" me to do, and of course, i lied to her about it).  I was honest about the food part of it, so i justified it.  Of course.

I guess I wasn't ready to let go yet.
Anyway, this stuff is completely racing through my mind right now but I'm really tired after 9 hours of researching alpha thalassemia and studying for molecular diagnostics.  I'm sure I"ll return to this tomorrow.

But here's the email I sent to Lisa, my dietitian (just a heads up, my named for the ed is "the Bastard", so that's what I'm referring to when I say that):

Hey Lisa,

I hope it's still okay to email you since I'm not coming in regularly anymore.  I'm sure I'll come in again though eventually when things need to be tweaked or when I'm pregnant (which is a few years away..). :)

The food aspect is going really well lately.  I'm a lot less strict with myself, am eating combination foods, and not obsessively keeping track (I do use sparkpeople though, and that helps out a lot), and yet still staying within a good range.

My issue is exercise, and the amount to do.  I probably tend to over-do it most of the time.  But then I go a few days when I'm not able to do it so I convince myself it all evens out.  Which may or may not be true.  I don't know. 
I have finally lost some weight and am more toned.  I think part of my obsession with it is that our wedding is less than 4 months away and my dress will probably come in next month and i'll have a fitting.  The other part is just the Bastard is still on my case about exercise.  That's the one thing that has not really faded from my mind. 

Another thing that I wonder if it's normal-- when I initially (and FINALLY) lost some weight and fit into a smaller pair of pants, I unconsciously freaked out and sabotaged myself by working out less and eating at my higher range so that I'd maintain again.  Once I finally figured out I was doing this I tried to not let it get to me.  I think it's because I've never lost weight in a healthy way before, so the thrill of it reminds me of how it USED to be.  And that scared me because I don't want to go back to the way things used to be- when I lost weight really rapidly because I would workout and not eat anything. 
Is this common?  or am I crazy? 

Anyway, I think I need help with the exercise aspect.  I don't trust that cutting back a little will "be enough".  I still don't trust my body.  What I've been doing (which may or may not be too much) has been working... so I don't want to cut back. Because it seems to take a lot for there to be any change (since it's only been recently that there has been any change).   But when it interferes with work, school, and friends, or if I'm not feeling up to it, then I tend to freak out and get really anxious. 

I'm sorry this email is getting so long, but here's the latest post from my journal::

[entered the previous blog entry]

I guess I'm finally willing to get help with the exercise.  I typically lie about what I do (at least to my mom... she tends to be a little paranoid I'll relapse).  I don't feel like I'm at risk of relapsing.  I just feel stuck in this exercise thing.  I honestly do not trust my body. 
And, I have a hard time judging how many calories I'm actually burning.  When I'm running (which isn't THAT often since my legs are still semi-screwed up), I can trust I know how much.  But if I do a workout video, or taebo or if I take a Zumba or spinning class at the gym... I don't now how much.  So I say it's a small amount just to be safe, and do an additional workout "just to be safe".  

I've asked on sparkpeople's forum, and people suggest getting a heart rate monitor thing.  But that is so inaccurate for me.  When I'm off my betablocker, just going up a flight of stairs easily sends my heart to 190.  And now that I'm on a beta blocker, my heart rate is falsely decreased and doesn't peak as high- even though I'm able to get in more intense workouts because I don't feel like my heart is going to explode.

ANYWAY.  This is my main issue right now, and any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  I might even push myself to tell you my workout routines to banish the secrecy around it.  maybe.  I guess if it helps the situation....

I hope you're doing well! 

-Andi

priorities

this post is semi-inspired by now is now, but semi-inspired by the way i'm physically feeling right now.

I have this recurring thought.  Everyday.  "I have to exercise X amount of time."  or "I have to do this and this and this" 
But... what if I don't?  I feel anxious.   I feel like I wasted a day.  Like I'll never get any smaller since I skipped a day (how's that black-and-white thinking for you?). What REALLY gets to me is if I skip 2 or 3 days in a row.  Anything more than 3 and I get really crabby.  I guess that's how my long-term frustration manifests itself. 
Even if I worked out the day before, but it wasn't the "X amount" that I had planned it to be...  then it's like it didn't happen and didn't even count.  Like yesterday, I was too busy with the foot dissection that I couldn't workout as much as I had planned on, or as much as I usually do on Thursdays.  So it's as if I didn't even workout yesterday.  Which isn't true.  I did.  Just not "enough".  So I figured I'd workout today and be okay.  But I'm exhausted today.  Even my bones feel tired.  Well, they feel achy.  I feel tired to the point of achiness everywhere.  Even as deep as my bones.  So... to push a workout... will I be able to function afterwards? 

But I have to be able to function afterwards... my friend is coming over to study and work on our presentation.  If I'm beyond exhausted when she gets here, what good will that do us?  I won't be able to think straight or focus long enough to get anything accomplished.
So again, I find myself considering skipping another day of working out.  And I"m freaking out because I have a busy weekend and I don't know how much exercise i'll be able to squeeze in.

But this is disordered thinking.  Workouts don't need to dictate my life.  I just typically let them do that.  I know that for anyone else, I would tell them to let their bodies rest and repair and to not push it when you're not feeling up to it.  Logically, I know this.  But when I have disordered thinking like this, I'm not thinking logically. 

As I wrote in a comment to now.is.now, I used to skip out on social activities because I had to go to the gym instead.  It didn't matter how tired it was, it didn't matter if I was sick, it didn't matter if I had a million things to study for, it didn't matter if I was injured and in pain.  It didn't matter.  I forced myself to do it.  Because I "had to". 
Exercise has always been a big part of my eating disorder.  And now that I have the eating normally pretty well down, I still have disordered thoughts about exercise. 

Even right now as I type this, I'm thinking to myself "I can still lift some weights and do pilates.  or i could double my narcolepsy med and maybe actually get a decent workout in before Jayme gets here"
And I suppose I could do these things.  But shouldn't my energy (and time) be spent finishing my paper, studying for molecular diagnostics, vacuuming my room (which desperately needs it), getting a head start on research for our presentation, or reviewing parasitology so that I'm prepared on Monday.  But no, I'm willing to put that time and energy into exercising instead and stressing myself out later because I'm short on time and too tired to think straight. 

Exercise is too high on my priority list.  Or... not even that.  The amount of exercise is.  I should be able to be happy with half of what I'd preferably like to do, just because at least it's something.  If all i can spare is half the amount of time, then I should take it and accept it.  But no, i beat myself up over it and kick myself for not getting up an hour earlier, or not drinking more coffee or not doubling my narcolepsy med. 

I could be SO much more productive if exercise was lower on my priority list.  But... I guess with the wedding in less than 4 months... I feel kinda like I have to do it. 

I feel paralyzed by this.  I'm so torn on what to do right now.

snow day

campus is closed today.  classes are canceled.
of course, they didn't post this until i had already gotten up at 6, taken my narcolepsy medication, took a shower, and drank a cup of coffee. thus making it impossible for me to fall back asleep. 

i didn't cut last night.

my dad got stuck trying to get out of our driveway.... so i doubt i'll be able to leave.
hopefully i can manage to be productive today.

gasping for air

I'm not doing well tonight.  I feel like curling up in a ball crying.  After I cut the shit out of my skin.
Really bad urges  Really bad.
But I can't.  At least... not on my arms.  I can't.
i shouldn't anywhere.
but i need to see blood.
i need to feel physical pain.

i can't breathe.

Music and my paper

I'm so tired I can barely think straight.  My paper isn't going very far...  I have all of my sources that I've (mostly) read through and I have a detailed outline set up.  But I haven't gotten to the actual writing part yet. 


Last night, I told Nathan that I went through his music and put a whole bunch of it on my mp3 player.  He asked which bands and I said "Underoath, more Alexisonfire, Secret lives of the Free Masons, more There for Tomorrow, more Rise Against, Armor for sleep, and Trivium."
He said "wow, Trivium too?"
"Yes"
"Are you trying to marry me?"
"is it working?"
"it sure is"

Ok.   Back to the paper.
Maybe a more realistic goal is to get half of it done.
I have enough to write about.... it's finding the brain energy to actually write it.

To-Do List or Work?

snow, snow, go away.

i haven't decided if i'm giving myself a snow day and letting myself not go into work today, or if i should suck it up and try to get down my road later.  If I don't go, my plan is to get my paper (mostly) written, get my lab report done, start researching alpha thalassemia major for my presentation, and start studing for molecular diagnostics.  Getting all of that done today will free me up for over the weekend which will let me get caught up this weekend when the clinic is closed (which i prefer to do anyway).  I don't want to go into work yet because I"m on a roll with my research and I want to (hopefully) get a workout in later.  So work would be later tonight.  But if it doesn't stop snowing soon... I might not be able to get my car through my road (i live on a dirt road that seldomly gets plowed). 

IF i can manage to get everything on my ambitious to-do list done, then I think skipping work today would be okay.  My fear is that I'll eventually hit a wall and not get everything done and then have a lot to do over the weekend which will cut into my work time.
Plus, because of the foot dissection I have to have done by Monday at noon, I can't study or workout during my breaks wednesday and thursday because I'll be dissecting (which is fine, but I hadn't planned on that two days ago).  Well... if I study while Nathan is in RCIA on Thursday like I did last week, I do gain 2 more hours of studying... Hm...

I don't know... I"m good at coming up with excuses as to why I shouldn't go into work.  It's funny though... once I"m AT work, I"m fine.  It's the getting ready to go and actually leaving that's always the problem.  But really... if can get this paper done today, plus the lab report that's due tomorrow morning at 8am done... and hopefully study and do research.. then I'll definitely be a lot less stressed out this week.   School is a priority over work, afterall. 

I'll have part of Friday (Jayme is coming over to study and work on the presentation with me at some point during the day), all of Saturday and all of Sunday (minus going to Mass) to work.  If I go 2 hours on Friday, at least 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday.... 10 hours will be a good goal.  That'll be approximately 50-60 charts I'd get done this weekend.... Sounds good to me. 

Ok, my break is over... I have to get back to researching pharmacists right to refuse emergency contraceptives and abortion pills.  Interesting and relevant topic, but I'm still not looking foward to writing this paper. 

FEET!!!

I GET TO DISSECT ANOTHER FOOT!!!! 

My first two already (that i did last year) circulated around Detroit hospitals for drs to see.  Now I get to dissect it to the ligament level for a group of podiatrists by Monday!!!!!!

It's awesome.  She asked me out of the 25 TAs to do this.  Every difficult dissection goes to me.  I love it.  I'm not evening TAing anymore for the cadaver lab and she still calls me up, "i need a foot dissected by Monday".  Sure thing!   I love it.  That completely made my day!  I get to do it Thursday.  :D

I told Nathan I was going to wear my new lab coat and he says "you can't, it's not your name yet!"  So I told him I would put a piece of tape above it that says "future" so that it's accurate by saying "future Andi O---"


EEEEEEEEEE!    I'm so excited about this!!!

busy

I went to my friend's house yesterday to study.  But she had to dog sit for a husky.  And huskies are my one exception to me hating dogs.  Huskies are like wolves, and so I like them.  This husky, however, was horrible and annoying and barely got any studying done.  Stupid smelly loud dogs.  They ruin everything! Another friend came over and we watched House and talked.  I ended up not getting home until 130am.  And I was up at 8 for Mass.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........

So today after Mass, I massaged my moms neck, shoulders and arms for a couple of hours.  Then I started studying for molecular pathology since we didn't even manage to finish going over everything yesterday and the exam is tomorrow.  After a couple of hours I hit a wall.  I have a tired-headache.  I was hoping it was a dehydration-headache because that's easy to fix.  But lots of water, and dinner haven't solved the problem.  I'm simply exhausted.

Another friend is coming over in an hour to hang out and watch a movie.  I'm glad she's coming, but I'm also slightly stressed.  I know I wouldn't get much more studying in tonight because I'm so tired... but now I don't even have the OPTION.  She knows i have an early class in the morning so she wont' stay late, fortunately.  But still.

I saw Nathan at Mass this morning... we gave each other our anniversary gifts.  He got me a lab coat with "Andi O---" stitched on it.  (His last name, not mine... yet).  It's so awesome!   I want to wear it to lab this week... but can i?  That's not my name yet.  :P 

I should take a shower before she gets here... but I'm too tired.  But I know I won't feel like taking one in the morning since that will require waking up early. 

Hm...

2 years down, a lifetime to go

Nathan got a new laptop last weekend and since he doesn't need his older one he's letting me use it!  I can't believe I'm online and watching TV in the family room at the same time!  Weird.  I kind of think this will help me at night.  I won't eat when I'm on here, so if I can distract myself at night I might be able to get past cravings. 

School is starting to pick up.  Exams, papers, and presentations.  All at once, it seems.  Which is fine, except I'm still not in school mode--- even though the semester is already a month over. 

I'm feeling a lot better about parasitology.  I'm really glad I agreed to TA those labs. I can find and identify the parasites a lot better now than when I was in the lab.  And one student ended up starting 2 weeks late and is really behind.  I went in on Thursday so she could get into the lab and look at the slides with a microscope.  I helped her make sure she was finding the right ones, and got a scope out for me so i could start finding the really tiny parasites that are most difficult to find.  I like helping students out.  They asked me at my internship interview if I was interested in teaching since I've TA'd the cadaver lab and the microbiology lab.  I told them i didn't think so but that I wasn't closing any doors. 

Today was our 2yr anniversary!  But... I didn't get to see him.  I'll see him at Mass on Sunday, but until then... not until Thursday.  Our schedules kinda suck this semester...  I miss him.
We got a chance to hang out alone last night.  I needed that.  We both did. 

4 more months until the wedding. :)   I can't wait until I can cuddle next to him every night. 

Meh

I've been so anxious the last 2 days.  Is that just a coincidence that I've been back on lamictal the last 2 days?  I'm not really anxious about being back on it, so that isn't it.  I don't even know what I'm anxious about.

But I'm crawling out of my skin and stuck on campus until 10pm.

I can't tell if it's the lamictal that's making me feel this way.  The last time (the first time) I went on it I was coming off lithium at the same time.  So this is a completely different case.  I don't know why it would make me anxious.

babies!

my sister is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this pretending is catching up with me

 

I took my lamitcal for the first time in almost 2 months tonight.  I almost started crying after I swallowed.

I also put scar-zone on my newest scar from a couple weeks ago.

I've never used anything like that before.  Mom got it for me a long time ago, and I refused to use it.

I like my scars.

I feel like I just betrayed it by putting something on it to make it less visible.

I'm sorry, scar.

 But it's standing out a lot, and I don't want a bright red line on my wrist for wedding pictures...

I can't sleep now.

I'm just tense and regretting it.

Regretting taking the meds.  Even though I know one dose doesn't lock me into a lifetime of taking it.

And I'm regretting putting the scar zone on my arm.

I know one application won't do any thing right away.

I can choose to not take lamictal tomorrow.  I can choose to not put scar zone on my arm again.

It's not black and white like I automatically think it is.

But that's not the only thing I regret.

I regret cutting last week. 

Especially on my arm.

I depersonalized.  I wasn't thinking clearly.

I wasn't even in my body.

I dont' even remember making the decision to cut.

I just remember afterwards realizing it was there and that there was blood on my sheets.

I had a good day today.

Did a lot of wedding things with Nathan.

 Got to be with him most of the day.

Just us. It was so nice.

And so I keep trying to focus on that instead of the crappy stuff.

But then my mind starts racing about the wedding.

And so I still can't sleep.

So now I"m online listening to a band I just discovered (janus)

This battle will end one day.

I have to hold on to that.