knees are gross

I ran today.  I didn't pay attention to the time intervals.  I just ran until I felt i should walk again.  I'm sick of interval training while i work back into it, but i understand why it's necessary.  But i didn't lock myself into 2 minute run 1 minute walk.  I just listened to my body.  And it felt great.

My right knee has been feeling weird lately.  The patellar tendon feels tight.  Now, I absolutely HATE knees, so to even THINK about the patellar tendon COMPLETELY grosses me out.  yuck yuck yuck!  Anyway, usually it's been a sign that my quad is too tight, so I stretch my quads for awhile and my knee feels better.  But i noticed it again today during my warm up, about half way into the run/walk, and at the end when i got off the treadmill... even after I stretched a lot.

Gross knees.  ew. 

This only concerns me because I"ve had tendonitis in my knees before.  Plus my IT band is always really tight and knotty, and the compartment syndrome in my calves and the recent tendonitis in my feet, and my twisted tibias.  There's a lot going on with my legs!  I don't need anything else. 

Maybe it is just compensating for my quads getting stronger.  That would make sense- I've been focusing on my quads a lot because they've been my weak point for as long as i can remember.  At one point i could lift more weight with my triceps than I could with my quads.  That's pathetic! 
Anyway.  It's not pain I"m feeling in my knee- just tightness and pulling.  GROSS!  worst feeling ever.
ew. 

ah, if only this blog could show how much i'm cringing right now... trust me, it's a lot.
(yes, i realize i dissect cadavers and do not get grossed out at all by that.  but i will NOT dissect a knee.  i will NOT show a student a dissected knee, and i will NOT even think about what a dissected knee looks like).


Mom wants me to go down and play Mist with her on the computer (one of those mystery puzzle games).  I told her I wanted to, but that I wasn't sure I had the time to start that game with her since those games last a while, and I'm so busy with school and hardly home.  She made a sad face, sighed and said "well, i don't start it until you decide".  Gee, thanks mom.  way to make me feel guilty for not spending time with you.  I guess i do feel bad though- i'm moving out in 3 months.  but still.  i need to study more tonight.  

dissections and nerdy friends

I got another dissecting project today.  Dr B emailed me and asked if I wanted to dissect a female pelvis.

Hm. That's a new one.

Although- I have done a hysterectomy on a cadaver before.  It was the only one I had seen that still had her uterus (92 yr old!).  We wanted to keep the uterus for other semesters to show them since we no longer had our other one.  So that was cool.

But apparently I'll be cutting a body in 3 sections (at the top of the femur and at the iliac crest aka the "hip bone") and taking the middle part?  That's what I've gathered from her description, but I'm still not completely sure.  She wants to see the iliac arteries and a few others I never had to learn.  And she wants to be able to show how the uterus fits in there with the bladder and along with the other structures.  Interesting. 


Had a fun day with Jayme today.  We watched House and picked it apart.  Finding all of the mistakes they were making and laughing at how inaccurate it is.  And then we ended up correctly diagnosing the patient long before they did.  I'm glad all of my medical training is coming in handy!
(nerdy examples: Dr: "patient has a prolonged PT".  another dr: well, what could that indicate"  Me:  "A FACTOR VII DEFICIENCY!!!... or an inhibitor... you'd need a factor assay to know!!!"  Jayme just laughed.  And then another one (or maybe the same episode, i can't remember, they all blend together afterawhile) there was an alcoholic and they at some point were bleeding uncontrollably.  both of us yelled out at the same time, "vitamin K deficiency!"- and it was- secondary to celiac's disease.  go us.)
It is cool though- how watching that show now is so different than watching it 2 or 3 years ago when I didn't know about pathophysiology.  It's fun now to laugh at it.

When i asked Jayme earlier this week if she wanted to do something i said "do you want to do something on Friday?  and by something, i mean nothing".  she said "absolutely."
so we sat and watched House and looked up random diseases on her laptop and were nerdy all afternoon.  It was amazing.
I'm glad we met last year.  She's what keeps me sane going through our program at school.

I'm lucky to have him.

Nathan ended up getting everything done early and we were able to hang out tonight.  I told him all about what's been going on.  I told him i'll probably be crabby and anxious for the next few weeks as i try to adjust to a lower amount of exercise.  He's so understanding.  He doesn't judge me or get mad or upset for me falling back into this.  He was happy that I reached out to Lisa and was willing to start cutting back.  He still claims he has no idea how I could lose weight.  He asked "where would it come from?"  And he understands that it isn't all about weight... that it's deeper than that. Seriously- he's amazing.  I couldn't ask for a more understanding, patient, and compassionate man than him.  He doesn't freak out when I mess up.  He just lets me talk through it and offers support.  He never criticizes.  and I'm never ashamed to tell him anything. 
I told him I was upset with myself that I fell back into the compulsive exercise.  and that I don't know how or when it happened.  but i know he'll support me through this.

my goal for next week is to replace some of the workouts i do at home with yoga.  i do vinyasa yoga, so it's still kind of intense, but certainly not as much as the other stuff.  This way i'd still be doing something, but burning less calories.  I asked lisa in tonight's check in if that sounded reasonable.  i think it does, but again, i can't always trust my judgement with this.

oh, and day two of lent:  i reached my protein goal!

food, lent and the like

well, i didn't exercise as much today.  but since it was only due to time restrictions and not by my own chosing, I can't really catagorize the day into success or fail.  I would have much rather done a lot more.  But i had to set up the parasitology lab practical exam and my class before that ran late, so time was very limited.

the MLS society had a meeting today after one our classes and they got pizza for it.  pizza sounded a lot better than my turkey sandwich i had packed for dinner, so i had a piece.  except then i realized how hungry i was and had another piece.  i was mentally freaking out about this.  but then realized it all worked out because i didn't have it on top of my dinner, i had it instead of my dinner (that i had packed).  I tracked my food when i got home and i'm still at the low end of my range.  So really... crisis averted.  I'm still okay. 

And Lent starts again today.  Lent is always hard for me.  Because so many people give up foods, and as a Catholic, we're technically supposed to fast Ash Wednesday (today) and Good Friday.  Not a complete fast, but there are guidelines I wont' get into here.  The exception to this is if you're pregnant, nursing, or have a health condition in which you shouldn't fast.  I have been told by more than one person that recovering from anorexia qualifies as that.  And the last couple of years I have not fasted on these days.  And unlike most everyone else, what I gave up was not food related.  I just can't.  I can't equate food with my faith.  I love my faith and aside from this I try to be the best Catholic that I can be.  But I refuse to relate fasting to God, even though for the normal person, it makes sense.  (besides, fasting isn't THAT much of a sacrifice to me, i mean... seriously). 

But it gets hard around here because my parents are "hardcore" Catholics.  Us kids joke around that if my parents hadn't met they'd be a priest and a nun.  My dad's an ordained deacon as it is.  So of course they're fasting today.  And during lent they don't eat snacks between meals or after dinner (and whatever else they do).  But... I ate today (i made sure to pack my food for the day before they got up and came downstairs to see it).  And I do eat snacks between meals, because that's what my RD has me do.  And I'm scared if I don't, bad things will follow.
There's a lot of guilt that comes with being in my family. 
Since I was 7, my parents fast every wednesday and friday (again, not a complete fast- and again, i won't go into details).  But for us kids, since we were young and still growing, we just didn't eat meat every wednesday and friday (like how people don't eat meat on Fridays during lent--- we just did it all year).  If I ever went to a friends house on a Friday night and they were having meat for dinner, I'd feel SO guilty about it afterwards.  I didn't want to be rude and refuse to eat with them, but oh no!  I had meat on a Friday!
Ugh.

When I was in the hospital I had to have a couple phone sessions with my parents.  And during our first one I told them I was not following that anymore.  That not eating meat was not a sacrifice for me, and neither was fasting (obviously).  I told them that if I need a protein source, and it happened to meat, and it happened to be a wednesday or a friday, then fine.  I was going to eat meat to get my protein.  I also told them I wasn't ready to fast during lent.  They got it.  At least they did then.  They're used to the meat on wednesday and friday thing... but my mom seemed kind of surprised when she found out i wasn't fasting today.  And i wanted to be like, "i really cant' handle it right now".  but then i was afraid that would tip her off... like, "wait, right now?  what's going on with you right now? ARE YOU RELAPSING?".
ugh.

wow, this post is a lot longer than i ever intended it to be.

so, i think this year for lent, i'm actually going to focus on food, but in a different way.  I'm going to try really hard to get my minimum 70 grams of protein everyday.  I hate protein.  I gag at the thought of it.  I can't tell you the last time I've reached my minimum.  So jokingly the other day my mom mentioned i should try to get all my protein everyday during lent.  but seriously- that will be really hard and a really good sacrifice.  all the while not depriving my body and focusing on treating it well.  I think that's a good compromise. 
I actually managed 80 grams today!  Day one and I'm already an overachiever. haha. 

Nathan is so stressed out.  I wont see him tomorrow, afterall.  well- i might for a few minutes on campus but we can't hang out tomorrow night like i thought we would.  he doesn't work friday but i have tentative plans with jayme on friday (because i assumed he be working).  turns out he works saturday instead. hopefully jayme and i can hang out saturday instead because i am missing Nathan like crazy right now.  and he needs to relax after this hell week.

olympics are on- mom just came to tell me that.  i think that's her passive aggressive way of telling me i need to get out of my room and go downstairs.  i guess it wouldn't hurt to not be antisocial tonight.  except i had a long day on campus surrounded by a lot of people.  hibernating is kinda nice...

trying

Well, day 1 of reducing my exercise has been a failure.  Although, Lisa says to judge it as a weekly total, not necessarily on a daily basis, so maybe by the end of the week it'll be okay.  But I'll try to be honest tonight when I email her my final totals. 

I've really wanted to Nathan about all of this.  But I really won't be able to until Thursday night.  He has a huge exam on Thursday, and until then he's either in class or at work.  Plus he has homework due his two other classes, tomorrow and thursday morning.  He's a bit stressed.  I won't even be able to talk to him much until Thursday night, let alone discuss this with him. 
There's no way I'll tell my mom about it.  She'll be on my case whenever I workout at home.  The worst thing for me is feeling like I'm being monitored.  And that's what I feel like my parents do if they know something is up. 
At least with Nathan, he trusts me, and he's never with me when I workout so in that respect, he couldn't monitor me if he wanted to. 
But without him knowing, I feel kind of alone in this.

I need to go eat a snack... but part of me is saying I don't need it.  But... I do need it.  I'm hungry and I can't let myself go under today.  Especially when I'm checking in with Lisa. 

annoyed

UGH
what's with the passive aggressiveness thing, mom?
Grow up and use your words.

Response and conclusions

Lisa finally got back with me today.  We've exchanged several emails since then  (panic-ridden ones from me and calming and reassuring ones from her).

Basically, I'm doing too much.  She claims I could be doing less than half of what I'm doing now.  But she doesn't expect me to change that all at once and says I can gradually reduce it.  She doesn't want to change the food intake since I'm comfortable with my range right now.  But she says she sees this all the time:  that bodies cling to the weight when someone is doing too much on too little food.  So if I bring it back into a better balance I'll notice more of a change.  But that is SO hard to trust.

her last line to me today was:
"Sounds like bastard is in your head from the exercise bulimia route more than you thought…. But with small changes you’ll realize you don’t gain a million pounds and life is still good."

I think I'm going to email her back and ask if I can check in with her every few days (or more) and let her know how much I'm doing and to make sure a conscience reduction in exercise doesn't lead to an unconscience reduction in food.

Basically, I need to be a lot more honest about this.   It was hard to read her call it exercise bulimia.  Even though I kinda already knew that.  At least-- I knew I had that problem before, but I no longer thought of me as having that.  But really... I'm just good at lying to myself.






I'd also like to make a note because I'm sure this is something that might seem weird and contradictory (further supporting my blog name)
I know I talk about being sick and chronically exhausted from the narcolepsy and CFIDS.  And then, here I talk about exercising too much.  That's part of the problem... I am exhausted on a daily basis.  And yet, I push through it to workout.  Plus, if I only have a little bit of energy, it's a daily debate of where the energy is focused: school, work, or exercise.  I am getting better at focusing it towards school and work. But I still put a lot of it towards exercise and end up getting stressed out later because I'm too tired to study.  But pretty much-- I'm just used to it.  I've been chronically exhausted for 9 years.  And now that I have the narcolepsy medication in the morning, I'm a lot better than it used to be.  So even though I'm still sick and not 100% healthy in that respect, comparatively, i'm a lot better than I was, which makes me feel like I can push workouts harder.  Also- on my "good" days, when I feel less tired (hallelujah!) I push the workouts that much harder to "make up" for my sick days (like today was).  If that makes sense.
But apparently that is backfiring if too much exercise without an increased food intake is causing my body to refuse losing weight.
Seriously, this shouldn't be so difficult.

My class that usually goes until 10pm got out by 845 tonight.  So I'm already home in my pajamas when I would have otherwise still been in class.  And, we got our first papers back, and before she handed them back she was saying how they weren't that great and that she'll offer extra credit points later on in the semester if we revise them.  I was getting all nervous.  And then I got mine back and saw I got a 98%.  I wonder what she'd say if I turned in a revised copy of the paper with the couple of a corrections I need to make. 


(oh, and i finished the foot yesterday and Dr B said "andi, it's GORGEOUS!  Better than I could have hoped for!  I can see each individual fiber... you must have spent hours getting every bit of adipose tissue off of it."  Yeah... I spent 9 hours on that one foot.  It was pretty amazing, if I do say so myself.  I'm proud of it.  I wish I could take and post pictures...).

a little bit of everything

Still haven't heard back from Lisa... but I've been checking my email every hour...

I finished my paper today.  And I went to work for 4 hours.  Both are big accomplishments since I was dreading both of them.  Only managed a "mini"workout (aka, not enough), but I'm trying to be okay about it.  i didn't track my food today, either, and that might not be helping my anxiety levels.  maybe I should, it might put my mind at ease.

Listened to good music tonight and relaxed.  Felt kind of weird to do that.  I felt like I was wasting time.  But I had the house to myself, had my paper done, was home from work, was still waiting on jayme to finish typing up our stuff from yesterday so i can make the power point.  i could have studied molecular diagnostics... but i was tired.  So i sat on the couch with the laptop and listened to Alexisonfire and some City and Colour.  Pretty much opposite types of music, but Dallas Green sings in both and his voice is amazing. 

Got to talk to Nathan tonight when he got off work.  I miss him.  I get to see him tomorrow.  For Mass, and then we'll split ways again for the day but he's coming over to my house tomorrow night to study and hang out. 

After Mass, I'm going straight to the anatomy lab to finish the foot dissection since I didn't make it out there today.  I hope it doesn't take me too much longer.  but it's a hard dissection.

here's a conversation I had with a friend who is actually in school to be a pathologist right now:

her: Dude foot dissecting is hard. What do you dissect? Do you go all the way down to the interosseous muscles?

me: i'm going all the way down to the ligaments. it's very tedious... which is partly why i love it so much.  no muscles are left on the foot as of now (except for some around the toes that is so hard to get off but doesn't matter for what she needs it for). i have the bifurcate and spring ligaments and a few others. the guy's foot doesn't exactly look like my Netters' pictures so I'm slightly confused. i got the foot that i did last year out and that helped more than the picture. :P 

her: HOT DAMN your doing THOSE? I don't think we ever got that detailed in my anatomy lab. Those were just too difficult to get to.  
(i loved this response) 


I like being good at something (and dare I say, better than other people at something).  Something outside of the ED.  I like being recognized for my talents... actually, just having a talent is good enough.  But being recognized for it, especially professors, feels really good. It kind of feels weird, though... to accept it. 
I used to have violin and dance, but those have been on the back-burner lately. 

 Meh.  I need to get to bed.  Maybe I wouldn't hate morning so much if I managed to get to bed at a decent hour.  Not that going to bed early does any good... i still lay awake for hours.

moving forward?

I ended up emailing my dietitian today about this whole dilemma. i even pasted my last post into the email so that i wouldn't miss anything.  I got a response within a few hours but it just was saying that she did get the email and that she'll be replying over the weekend.  I appreciate her at least telling me that much. 

i ended up working out today.  i somehow felt a little more energized and then my friend called and said she was running late and wouldn't be here until 2.  This gave me plenty of time to squeeze something in... and my parents were gone so it was the best opportunity to do it (i feel slightly awkward working out in the living room when my dad is home and downstairs, so i prefer to workout when they're not home).  I did double my narcolepsy med.  which, in itself isn't bad.  I'm allowed to do that if I need it.  And my friend and I were actually REALLY productive once she got here.

Part of the problem is that I simply do NOT trust my body.

Plus, it took a lot of effort to focus on getting my eating back to normal and I couldn't really focus on the exercise aspect of things.  I nearly went insane last fall when I had to go 3 months w.out exercising because of my stupid heart and the stupid 8 classes I had to take.
So really- i focused so much on the eating aspect I couldn't focus on both sides.  And now that my eating has pretty much stabilized, i feel.... ready (if that's the right word) to start focusing on the exercise "addiction" i seem to be in.

When I was leaving my IP program the summer of 08, they were pretty much concerned i'd go home and workout too much.  they said if i shouldn't workout for at least 3 months or something crazy like that.  I agreed i'd do that just to shut them up, but really- that was ridiculous to me.  Luckily my dietitian i started seeing when I got home completely agreed with me and worked with me to incorporate some exercise in with my meal plan.  (even then, i always went over what she "allowed" me to do, and of course, i lied to her about it).  I was honest about the food part of it, so i justified it.  Of course.

I guess I wasn't ready to let go yet.
Anyway, this stuff is completely racing through my mind right now but I'm really tired after 9 hours of researching alpha thalassemia and studying for molecular diagnostics.  I'm sure I"ll return to this tomorrow.

But here's the email I sent to Lisa, my dietitian (just a heads up, my named for the ed is "the Bastard", so that's what I'm referring to when I say that):

Hey Lisa,

I hope it's still okay to email you since I'm not coming in regularly anymore.  I'm sure I'll come in again though eventually when things need to be tweaked or when I'm pregnant (which is a few years away..). :)

The food aspect is going really well lately.  I'm a lot less strict with myself, am eating combination foods, and not obsessively keeping track (I do use sparkpeople though, and that helps out a lot), and yet still staying within a good range.

My issue is exercise, and the amount to do.  I probably tend to over-do it most of the time.  But then I go a few days when I'm not able to do it so I convince myself it all evens out.  Which may or may not be true.  I don't know. 
I have finally lost some weight and am more toned.  I think part of my obsession with it is that our wedding is less than 4 months away and my dress will probably come in next month and i'll have a fitting.  The other part is just the Bastard is still on my case about exercise.  That's the one thing that has not really faded from my mind. 

Another thing that I wonder if it's normal-- when I initially (and FINALLY) lost some weight and fit into a smaller pair of pants, I unconsciously freaked out and sabotaged myself by working out less and eating at my higher range so that I'd maintain again.  Once I finally figured out I was doing this I tried to not let it get to me.  I think it's because I've never lost weight in a healthy way before, so the thrill of it reminds me of how it USED to be.  And that scared me because I don't want to go back to the way things used to be- when I lost weight really rapidly because I would workout and not eat anything. 
Is this common?  or am I crazy? 

Anyway, I think I need help with the exercise aspect.  I don't trust that cutting back a little will "be enough".  I still don't trust my body.  What I've been doing (which may or may not be too much) has been working... so I don't want to cut back. Because it seems to take a lot for there to be any change (since it's only been recently that there has been any change).   But when it interferes with work, school, and friends, or if I'm not feeling up to it, then I tend to freak out and get really anxious. 

I'm sorry this email is getting so long, but here's the latest post from my journal::

[entered the previous blog entry]

I guess I'm finally willing to get help with the exercise.  I typically lie about what I do (at least to my mom... she tends to be a little paranoid I'll relapse).  I don't feel like I'm at risk of relapsing.  I just feel stuck in this exercise thing.  I honestly do not trust my body. 
And, I have a hard time judging how many calories I'm actually burning.  When I'm running (which isn't THAT often since my legs are still semi-screwed up), I can trust I know how much.  But if I do a workout video, or taebo or if I take a Zumba or spinning class at the gym... I don't now how much.  So I say it's a small amount just to be safe, and do an additional workout "just to be safe".  

I've asked on sparkpeople's forum, and people suggest getting a heart rate monitor thing.  But that is so inaccurate for me.  When I'm off my betablocker, just going up a flight of stairs easily sends my heart to 190.  And now that I'm on a beta blocker, my heart rate is falsely decreased and doesn't peak as high- even though I'm able to get in more intense workouts because I don't feel like my heart is going to explode.

ANYWAY.  This is my main issue right now, and any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  I might even push myself to tell you my workout routines to banish the secrecy around it.  maybe.  I guess if it helps the situation....

I hope you're doing well! 

-Andi

priorities

this post is semi-inspired by now is now, but semi-inspired by the way i'm physically feeling right now.

I have this recurring thought.  Everyday.  "I have to exercise X amount of time."  or "I have to do this and this and this" 
But... what if I don't?  I feel anxious.   I feel like I wasted a day.  Like I'll never get any smaller since I skipped a day (how's that black-and-white thinking for you?). What REALLY gets to me is if I skip 2 or 3 days in a row.  Anything more than 3 and I get really crabby.  I guess that's how my long-term frustration manifests itself. 
Even if I worked out the day before, but it wasn't the "X amount" that I had planned it to be...  then it's like it didn't happen and didn't even count.  Like yesterday, I was too busy with the foot dissection that I couldn't workout as much as I had planned on, or as much as I usually do on Thursdays.  So it's as if I didn't even workout yesterday.  Which isn't true.  I did.  Just not "enough".  So I figured I'd workout today and be okay.  But I'm exhausted today.  Even my bones feel tired.  Well, they feel achy.  I feel tired to the point of achiness everywhere.  Even as deep as my bones.  So... to push a workout... will I be able to function afterwards? 

But I have to be able to function afterwards... my friend is coming over to study and work on our presentation.  If I'm beyond exhausted when she gets here, what good will that do us?  I won't be able to think straight or focus long enough to get anything accomplished.
So again, I find myself considering skipping another day of working out.  And I"m freaking out because I have a busy weekend and I don't know how much exercise i'll be able to squeeze in.

But this is disordered thinking.  Workouts don't need to dictate my life.  I just typically let them do that.  I know that for anyone else, I would tell them to let their bodies rest and repair and to not push it when you're not feeling up to it.  Logically, I know this.  But when I have disordered thinking like this, I'm not thinking logically. 

As I wrote in a comment to now.is.now, I used to skip out on social activities because I had to go to the gym instead.  It didn't matter how tired it was, it didn't matter if I was sick, it didn't matter if I had a million things to study for, it didn't matter if I was injured and in pain.  It didn't matter.  I forced myself to do it.  Because I "had to". 
Exercise has always been a big part of my eating disorder.  And now that I have the eating normally pretty well down, I still have disordered thoughts about exercise. 

Even right now as I type this, I'm thinking to myself "I can still lift some weights and do pilates.  or i could double my narcolepsy med and maybe actually get a decent workout in before Jayme gets here"
And I suppose I could do these things.  But shouldn't my energy (and time) be spent finishing my paper, studying for molecular diagnostics, vacuuming my room (which desperately needs it), getting a head start on research for our presentation, or reviewing parasitology so that I'm prepared on Monday.  But no, I'm willing to put that time and energy into exercising instead and stressing myself out later because I'm short on time and too tired to think straight. 

Exercise is too high on my priority list.  Or... not even that.  The amount of exercise is.  I should be able to be happy with half of what I'd preferably like to do, just because at least it's something.  If all i can spare is half the amount of time, then I should take it and accept it.  But no, i beat myself up over it and kick myself for not getting up an hour earlier, or not drinking more coffee or not doubling my narcolepsy med. 

I could be SO much more productive if exercise was lower on my priority list.  But... I guess with the wedding in less than 4 months... I feel kinda like I have to do it. 

I feel paralyzed by this.  I'm so torn on what to do right now.

snow day

campus is closed today.  classes are canceled.
of course, they didn't post this until i had already gotten up at 6, taken my narcolepsy medication, took a shower, and drank a cup of coffee. thus making it impossible for me to fall back asleep. 

i didn't cut last night.

my dad got stuck trying to get out of our driveway.... so i doubt i'll be able to leave.
hopefully i can manage to be productive today.

gasping for air

I'm not doing well tonight.  I feel like curling up in a ball crying.  After I cut the shit out of my skin.
Really bad urges  Really bad.
But I can't.  At least... not on my arms.  I can't.
i shouldn't anywhere.
but i need to see blood.
i need to feel physical pain.

i can't breathe.

Music and my paper

I'm so tired I can barely think straight.  My paper isn't going very far...  I have all of my sources that I've (mostly) read through and I have a detailed outline set up.  But I haven't gotten to the actual writing part yet. 


Last night, I told Nathan that I went through his music and put a whole bunch of it on my mp3 player.  He asked which bands and I said "Underoath, more Alexisonfire, Secret lives of the Free Masons, more There for Tomorrow, more Rise Against, Armor for sleep, and Trivium."
He said "wow, Trivium too?"
"Yes"
"Are you trying to marry me?"
"is it working?"
"it sure is"

Ok.   Back to the paper.
Maybe a more realistic goal is to get half of it done.
I have enough to write about.... it's finding the brain energy to actually write it.

To-Do List or Work?

snow, snow, go away.

i haven't decided if i'm giving myself a snow day and letting myself not go into work today, or if i should suck it up and try to get down my road later.  If I don't go, my plan is to get my paper (mostly) written, get my lab report done, start researching alpha thalassemia major for my presentation, and start studing for molecular diagnostics.  Getting all of that done today will free me up for over the weekend which will let me get caught up this weekend when the clinic is closed (which i prefer to do anyway).  I don't want to go into work yet because I"m on a roll with my research and I want to (hopefully) get a workout in later.  So work would be later tonight.  But if it doesn't stop snowing soon... I might not be able to get my car through my road (i live on a dirt road that seldomly gets plowed). 

IF i can manage to get everything on my ambitious to-do list done, then I think skipping work today would be okay.  My fear is that I'll eventually hit a wall and not get everything done and then have a lot to do over the weekend which will cut into my work time.
Plus, because of the foot dissection I have to have done by Monday at noon, I can't study or workout during my breaks wednesday and thursday because I'll be dissecting (which is fine, but I hadn't planned on that two days ago).  Well... if I study while Nathan is in RCIA on Thursday like I did last week, I do gain 2 more hours of studying... Hm...

I don't know... I"m good at coming up with excuses as to why I shouldn't go into work.  It's funny though... once I"m AT work, I"m fine.  It's the getting ready to go and actually leaving that's always the problem.  But really... if can get this paper done today, plus the lab report that's due tomorrow morning at 8am done... and hopefully study and do research.. then I'll definitely be a lot less stressed out this week.   School is a priority over work, afterall. 

I'll have part of Friday (Jayme is coming over to study and work on the presentation with me at some point during the day), all of Saturday and all of Sunday (minus going to Mass) to work.  If I go 2 hours on Friday, at least 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday.... 10 hours will be a good goal.  That'll be approximately 50-60 charts I'd get done this weekend.... Sounds good to me. 

Ok, my break is over... I have to get back to researching pharmacists right to refuse emergency contraceptives and abortion pills.  Interesting and relevant topic, but I'm still not looking foward to writing this paper. 

FEET!!!

I GET TO DISSECT ANOTHER FOOT!!!! 

My first two already (that i did last year) circulated around Detroit hospitals for drs to see.  Now I get to dissect it to the ligament level for a group of podiatrists by Monday!!!!!!

It's awesome.  She asked me out of the 25 TAs to do this.  Every difficult dissection goes to me.  I love it.  I'm not evening TAing anymore for the cadaver lab and she still calls me up, "i need a foot dissected by Monday".  Sure thing!   I love it.  That completely made my day!  I get to do it Thursday.  :D

I told Nathan I was going to wear my new lab coat and he says "you can't, it's not your name yet!"  So I told him I would put a piece of tape above it that says "future" so that it's accurate by saying "future Andi O---"


EEEEEEEEEE!    I'm so excited about this!!!

busy

I went to my friend's house yesterday to study.  But she had to dog sit for a husky.  And huskies are my one exception to me hating dogs.  Huskies are like wolves, and so I like them.  This husky, however, was horrible and annoying and barely got any studying done.  Stupid smelly loud dogs.  They ruin everything! Another friend came over and we watched House and talked.  I ended up not getting home until 130am.  And I was up at 8 for Mass.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........

So today after Mass, I massaged my moms neck, shoulders and arms for a couple of hours.  Then I started studying for molecular pathology since we didn't even manage to finish going over everything yesterday and the exam is tomorrow.  After a couple of hours I hit a wall.  I have a tired-headache.  I was hoping it was a dehydration-headache because that's easy to fix.  But lots of water, and dinner haven't solved the problem.  I'm simply exhausted.

Another friend is coming over in an hour to hang out and watch a movie.  I'm glad she's coming, but I'm also slightly stressed.  I know I wouldn't get much more studying in tonight because I'm so tired... but now I don't even have the OPTION.  She knows i have an early class in the morning so she wont' stay late, fortunately.  But still.

I saw Nathan at Mass this morning... we gave each other our anniversary gifts.  He got me a lab coat with "Andi O---" stitched on it.  (His last name, not mine... yet).  It's so awesome!   I want to wear it to lab this week... but can i?  That's not my name yet.  :P 

I should take a shower before she gets here... but I'm too tired.  But I know I won't feel like taking one in the morning since that will require waking up early. 

Hm...

2 years down, a lifetime to go

Nathan got a new laptop last weekend and since he doesn't need his older one he's letting me use it!  I can't believe I'm online and watching TV in the family room at the same time!  Weird.  I kind of think this will help me at night.  I won't eat when I'm on here, so if I can distract myself at night I might be able to get past cravings. 

School is starting to pick up.  Exams, papers, and presentations.  All at once, it seems.  Which is fine, except I'm still not in school mode--- even though the semester is already a month over. 

I'm feeling a lot better about parasitology.  I'm really glad I agreed to TA those labs. I can find and identify the parasites a lot better now than when I was in the lab.  And one student ended up starting 2 weeks late and is really behind.  I went in on Thursday so she could get into the lab and look at the slides with a microscope.  I helped her make sure she was finding the right ones, and got a scope out for me so i could start finding the really tiny parasites that are most difficult to find.  I like helping students out.  They asked me at my internship interview if I was interested in teaching since I've TA'd the cadaver lab and the microbiology lab.  I told them i didn't think so but that I wasn't closing any doors. 

Today was our 2yr anniversary!  But... I didn't get to see him.  I'll see him at Mass on Sunday, but until then... not until Thursday.  Our schedules kinda suck this semester...  I miss him.
We got a chance to hang out alone last night.  I needed that.  We both did. 

4 more months until the wedding. :)   I can't wait until I can cuddle next to him every night. 

Meh

I've been so anxious the last 2 days.  Is that just a coincidence that I've been back on lamictal the last 2 days?  I'm not really anxious about being back on it, so that isn't it.  I don't even know what I'm anxious about.

But I'm crawling out of my skin and stuck on campus until 10pm.

I can't tell if it's the lamictal that's making me feel this way.  The last time (the first time) I went on it I was coming off lithium at the same time.  So this is a completely different case.  I don't know why it would make me anxious.

babies!

my sister is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this pretending is catching up with me

 

I took my lamitcal for the first time in almost 2 months tonight.  I almost started crying after I swallowed.

I also put scar-zone on my newest scar from a couple weeks ago.

I've never used anything like that before.  Mom got it for me a long time ago, and I refused to use it.

I like my scars.

I feel like I just betrayed it by putting something on it to make it less visible.

I'm sorry, scar.

 But it's standing out a lot, and I don't want a bright red line on my wrist for wedding pictures...

I can't sleep now.

I'm just tense and regretting it.

Regretting taking the meds.  Even though I know one dose doesn't lock me into a lifetime of taking it.

And I'm regretting putting the scar zone on my arm.

I know one application won't do any thing right away.

I can choose to not take lamictal tomorrow.  I can choose to not put scar zone on my arm again.

It's not black and white like I automatically think it is.

But that's not the only thing I regret.

I regret cutting last week. 

Especially on my arm.

I depersonalized.  I wasn't thinking clearly.

I wasn't even in my body.

I dont' even remember making the decision to cut.

I just remember afterwards realizing it was there and that there was blood on my sheets.

I had a good day today.

Did a lot of wedding things with Nathan.

 Got to be with him most of the day.

Just us. It was so nice.

And so I keep trying to focus on that instead of the crappy stuff.

But then my mind starts racing about the wedding.

And so I still can't sleep.

So now I"m online listening to a band I just discovered (janus)

This battle will end one day.

I have to hold on to that.

Changes

 

Therapy yesterday went okay.  I didn't have to be too assertive about the topic... I explained to her how I took myself off of my bipolar med... as an experiment... and that i'm doing okay, considering.

Then I mentioned the fear associated with weight loss and how I sabatoge myself, and how I wonder if that's at all related to being off my meds for so long (since early December).

We talked about what losing weight in the past was like- the secrecy and the excitement.  All of that.

And then talked about how it is different than losing weight now.  How I still feel like i have to keep it a secret, and how I still feel like I'm doing something "bad", and yet I'm still excited.

She also pointed out that winter and fatigue triggers our bodies to want carbs. 

And since the windchill was below 0 yesterday and the wind almost knocked me over, and I'm always fatigued and have a difficult time sleeping as it is, it isn't all that surprising that I crave stuff at night.  

She told me to try being more gentle on myself. 

I wonder if I rearrange my MP so that I allow more calories to go to my after dinner snack... I wonder if that will help at all.  That way, when I'm actually craving something, I'll have more room to "give in" without having to hate myself afterwards.  

She mentioned a pendulum.  And that I need to stay focused on the middle.  She said, a small binge can lead to wanting to restrict a little the next day, which will make you hungry and lead to a bigger binge, which will lead to more restricting, which will lead to more binging.

I told her I knew that and was being careful about it.  I said "that's where I was at before I went to the hospital" (which was before I started seeing her).  And I told her I"ve been good about making sure not to restrict the next day if I was unhappy with how i ate the day before.

I've made a lot of progress in that respect. 

I decided ... there is no reason for the ED to keep holding me back and making me scared.

Yes, I have those memories and these feelings are definitely attached to them... but I don't have to let that ruin my life anymore.

So last night when I got home, I knew I was a little bit under my calories, so I allowed myself to have a snack, and I didn't binge.  I didn't go crazy.  I was calm, and I ate it.  Part of my wanted more, but I gently told myself I didn't need more, and that I was actually tired enough to go to bed, so I did. 

Amazing.

And this morning, I had a healthy breakfast, cleaned a bit, and then got in a decent workout, then had a good lunch.

And if my body loses weight, that's okay.  I don't need to announce it to the world, but I don't need to hide it.  Because I'm still eating.  And I'm not going crazy with workouts.  And nothing I"m doing is drastic.

There shouldn't be any shame or any fear.

It feels foreign, yes.  But that's okay.  So did eating again, in the beginning.

But I got used to that, didn't I?

I can get used to this.  Used to my body changing.  Going back to my old set point that I miss being at.

(the healthy number my dietician said I can be at).

And you know what?  If I'm unable to get down to that number because I have more muscle mass than I used to, then fine... I won't be that low.  I'm not even fixated on a number anymore.  More of a range.  And more of how my clothes fit.    And more than that- I'm focused on strength. And I can't be strong if I don't fuel my body.

And I don't have to be afraid of my body getting smaller. Because I am healthy, and there is nothing to be afraid of. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit:::  Added 8:01pm

i keep needing to remind myself that i can't lose weight overnight.  i want to lose weigh over night.  but no.  i can't do that.  i used to do that.  but i can't do that anymore.  i need to go eat my snack.  i need to so i can reach my calories today.

but then i think... i'll lose weight faster if i don't.  i can just skip it.  or i could workout some more.  

no no no!!!!!!!!!  i can't work out some more.  i already did some this morning.

and i need my snack!

weight loss shouldn't be overnight.  no no no

i don't do that anymore.

i don't.

ah shit.  why does my mind change so rapidly?  i was fine a few hours ago.  and now i'm freaking out.

ok ... i'm going to eat a snack and call my sister and see if i can go over there for awhile.

maybe i just shouldn't be alone.

my friend was here but she had to leave early to help her parents with something.

ok

i feel bad calling my sister and asking to go over. 

but she already offered.  so i shouldn't feel bad.

right?

i don't know what to have for a snack.  I"m entirely too overwhelmed right now.

let me speak

I see my therapist tomorrow.  I need to talk to her about me being scared to lose weight and sabotaging myself.  I also need to bring up that she needs to realize my quest to lose weight in a healthy way IS important to me and she can't keep on dismissing it so quickly.   Not only is it annoying, it's also causing me to avoid talking about it.  I know she just wants to help me challenge my thinking, but then I never even get a chance to say what's on my mind before she interrupts and challenges me.  And then I feel like what I'm saying is wrong, and that I'm "doing therapy wrong" because I'm apparently unable to say the right things.

I went to the cycling class today.  I can tell my legs are already getting stronger.  I was on a higher resistance and kept up better.  They feel dead tired now, though.  Hopefully I'm not useless tomorrow.

I don't have classes tomorrow but I'm going up to campus with Nathan, anyway.  I have an appt at the writing center about a paper due on Monday.  I don't even need to go, but the professor assumes everyone in her class hasn't written since freshman year and would need help and strongly encourages it.  This is not true for me since all of my psychololgy classes and most of my MLS classes have required multple papers, however, making the appointment forced me to write the paper before the weekend.  Plus, its a little bit over her page limit so maybe they can help me figure out what to take out to shorten it. 

From there I have therapy, then, if I'm up to it, another cycling class.  if not, i'll stop by the anatomy lab and help TA that-- or find a cadaver to dissect. Somehow, that is so calming.

Tomorrow is my last long day of the week.

My parents are going on a retreat this weekend so I'll have all of Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday to myself. 

I need that right now.

the aftermath

I went to another cycling class yesterday.  I had to keep it on the lower end for resistance- but I managed to keep up fairly well.  Between having weak legs and a crummy heart I can't handle as much as everyone else in the room.  But of course, I want to make everything into a compitition.

Mondays are my crappy days.  I'm on campus until 10pm, after getting there for a 9am class.

Yesterday, my 9am class professor never bothered showing up. I was really annoyed. 

So today, after a long Monday, and after a cycling class, my body feels dead.

I have a long list of stuff to do, but I'm so exhausted I don't know what I'm going to be able to manage.

It pisses me off.

Other people can handle it.

Other people can handle even more than that.

But I have one long day and sit on a bike for 45 minutes and I'm useless the next day.

this sucks.

Stubborn

I am truely blessed with everything in my life right now.  I know this, and I'm so thankful for it.

And I realized:

I DON'T NEED AN ED ANYMORE!!!!!!!

So why am I still holding on to it?

My body image is still awful.

I'm disgusted by myself.

I want to lose weight... but then I sabotage myself.

I overdo the exercise, even though my health sucks. 

I guess my health stuff is the one thing really holding me back.

I can't control it. and that drives me absolutely crazy.

 It really makes me separate myself from my body.

I told Nathan last week that I hate "it" so much and "it" keeps holding me back.  And that I have a hard time not punishing my body for destroying me.

He said, "Andi, you and your body aren't two different people. You don't punish one without punishing the other."

but but but but but....

Maybe logically I know that... but realistically... I can't see that.

Since I was 14 and my body turned against me, it's been me against it.

The cutting, bruising, starving, over-exercising... it was all a punishment.

It was all revenge. 

And so even though every other part my life has turned around, I'm still physically sick.

And even though I've been fighting like hell since I was 14 to get better, I'm not really getting anywhere.

I"m better than I used to be, yes.

But I'm not where I need to be yet.

I hate being held back in life just because I'm too sick.

I'm too stubborn for that. 

But is that getting me anywhere?

Bastian

So... apparently for college graduation, my parents help us out with a new (used) car.

I didn't know this until this morning.

My dad mentioned a place in town was having a used car sale with a trade in offer of at least $1000 (which my car wasn't even close to being worth).

I asked my dad what used cars typically go for since I don't have too much money for one.

And he said, "well no, it's for graduation.  We did this with all of the kids"

Wow.

So I am now the owner of a 2006 silver Cobalt.

I named him Sebastian.

We traded in Dmitri... who was completely falling apart.  That saturn was so old and making so many scary noises and leaking so many fluids.  I was terrified to drive anywhere.

Dad said, "I know graduation isn't until May, but it's obvious you will graduate and I dont think Dmitri will last that long."

That was not what I expected to be doing today!  But I am not complaining!

BIKES!

I went to the spinning class last night and my heart was okay!!!!!

It was a lot of fun and I definitely want to do more of those classes. 

I wish I didn't take the parasitology lab TA job.  It cuts into spinning and zumba classes that now I can't go to.

Dr R wouldn't mind if I didn't go to both labs.

She's told me that multiple times, but I still would feel bad leaving her to a lab full of 16 students trying to find tiny little parasites with a microscope.

Maybe as the lab gets easier I won't go as often... hmm..

The Tour de France is 161 days!!!!!!!!!

underlying fear

I think part of my problem is that I'm scared to actually lose weight, and so when I actually start making progress, I unconsciously sabotage myself.

Why would I be afraid of losing weight?  Because I've never done it in a healthy way before. 
It's always been secretive.  It's always been hidden.  It's always been unhealthy.
So now that I"m "allowed" to lose weight (according to my dietician), and I'm trying to, in a healthy way--- it's freaking me out a little bit.
It's like I feel ... gulity (?) for actually losing weight.  I won't tell anyone.  I'm afraid to admit it.  I feel like I'll get in trouble or something if I do. 
Plus, losing weight is exciting to me, and there's a tiny part of me that is afraid if I start, I wont' be able to stop. 
So whenever I'm doing really well w. my MP and exercise, and I actually start to make progress, I end up messing up my MP or something and I continue to maintain where I'm at.

But I am allowed to lose weight.
I have a weight that my dietician says I cannot go under.  I have agreed to that, and I honestly think I'll be okay there.  But it's a little ways off, so I"m not even there yet.  I can't get in trouble for losing weight at this point.  As long as it's not lost quickly, I"m fine.

But I'm scared to actually let it happen.

This is a big discovery, I think.  Because I have been beyond frustrated for the last year, trying to lose weight and not being able to.  I think I"m holding myself back a lot-- even though i know part of it has been the injuries and the heart stuff.  And I honestly feel okay enough in my recovery to not fall back into ED.  (i know it sounded like i was a few posts ago, but that was more venting than anything). 



I don't need to be afraid to make progress with this. 
I need to relax and let go.  Maybe I should start practicing yoga again...

PS: I'm trying the spinning class tonight! 

slept

I fell asleep before midnight last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It's been WEEKS since that's happened.  I'd venture to say months but I can't remember... it's been too long. 
Woke up around 9.  Amazing.

Today is set aside for studying. 
Tried to workout this morning but, inspite of sleeping 9 hours, my body felt tired and weak.  It was pretty pitiful, but it was something.

I hope I can run soon.
I want to try a spinning class... to see if my heart can handle cycling now that I'm on the beta blocker.  It never could before... I keep putting it off because I'm scared I can't handle it!!  I need to just bite the bullet and do it.  Maybe this Thursday.  There's a 45 minute spinning class..... that's slightly less daunting than an hour.   But only slightly.

Positives for today:

I get to see Nathan :)

I slept for 9 hours.  

I lifted weights

I ate protein with lunch

I have the whole afternoon to study

 

4am ruins everything

4 hours of sleep + 4 cups of coffee = pitiful attempt at productivity

I set 3 alarms for this morning.

I didn't hear any of them.

Luckily mom was home to wake me up at 8 for Mass.

trying to be responsible

I feel a little bit calmer today.  

We went to Nathan's sister's new house for dinner last night.  I managed to eat it but I've been restricting fluids-- which Nathan has noticed.  He's always on my case about drinking more water.  He kept handing me my glass of water.  I'd take a tiny sip and put it down.  I dumped some out when he went to the bathroom and no one was looking.  
I was getting the tour of her house and I fell and slid down the stairs because my legs gave out.  When we got back to the kitchen I just said "fine, you win" and drank the stupid water.


I managed to fall asleep by 1:30am, which isn't bad lately.  Mom and dad were gone all morning so I was able to finally work out a little bit.  I'm about to go to work in a few minutes.  I want to get on the treadmill there, but I know I shouldn't since I've already worked out.  I'm still really tired so I'm not exactly sure how work is going to go. 
I still need to study for molecular pathology --- I already have an exam this week. 
It'll be tough to both go to work and to study when I get home.  Especially since I already exercised today.  So I know I have to be responsible and not get on the treadmill when i'm there.
 At least I get to go in when they're closed.  It's an okay way to isolate.

funny how drastically my outlook on life changes in just 4 hours.

what if i never get better?

what other doctor can i turn to?  dr v. has basically said he has run out of ideas.

my problem is neurological, and the best neurologist in michigan has no idea what to do with me.

how am i supposed to hope?

war

another dead end.

i can't see the neuropsychologist my neurologst wanted me to go to.

this was his last idea.

this was my last hope.

why does my brain have to be so messed up?

i'm sorry, arm.

but you're easier to damage than my brain.

plus brains can't sense pain.

what a cop out.

damn you, body.

i hate you.

and you don't deserve all of the special treatment i've been giving you.

you deserve nothing.

except pain.

cuts

bruises

starving

the last thing you deserve is nourshment.

you have taken so much away from me.

i will take away from you again

my life has been hell because of you.

i'll make you feel the hell that you force me to feel inside.

i will get revenge this time.

i'm tired of pretending to care about you.

i never have.

i've never stopped hating you.

the war is on.

Sorry for the mushiness.

I'm so blessed to have Nathan.  And I'm so blessed that he loves me as deeply as I love him.

I've said time and time again that he is the one exception to everything.

I have a hard time talking to people.  But not him.

I like to isolate myself from people.  But not from him.

I have a hard time being open.  But not with him.

I'm always uncomfortable around people.  But not around him.

I'm always self conscience.  But not with him.

Yesterday was a horrible day.  But as soon as I got into lab and saw him, I smiled.

And my day was brighter.

And he held my hand.  And I felt okay.

And we ate dinner together, and I was okay with eating.

And we hung out until midnight, and I was happy again.

Life doesn't hurt when I'm with him.

The future isn't as dark when I'm with him.

If I'm always sick.  If there isn't a doctor who can figure out my medical mystery... At least I'll face it with him.

 And I'll be okay.

In 4 and 1/2 months, I'll be his wife.

And he'll be my husband.

Maybe the future isn't so bleek, afterall.

another day

Therapy has turned into me crying for one hour. That's about all that gets accomplished.

There is so much frustration at being sick and trying everything and running into dead ends everywhere. She made me come up with example of that and I said: insomnia, narcolepsy, fatigue, inability to run, and lack of weight loss. She kept challenging the weight loss... that the rest she could agree with but that my need for weight loss was my choice and not actually necessary. I kept trying to disagree but it was taking too much effort to argue and i have no energy for arguing.

the physical health stuff gave plenty to talk and cry about so i just avoided the lack of weight loss aspect of my frustration.

sometimes, i wish she would just agree with me for 5 minutes so i could talk about it without defending my way of thinking. and i realize a therapist is supposed to challenge disordered thoughts, but when i'm that upset sometimes i need to just go with it for a few minutes.

never made it to the gym today.
i babysat my nephew while my sister in law was at her dr appt. people probably thought lucas was my baby. i did not correct them. he's so adorable, i dont mind the credit. hahahaha

then i went to anatomy lab to see if the cadavers needed any dissecting. unfortunately, they didnt. plus there were too many students crowded around them for most of the time.
it was fun to be with the other TAs (plus Nathan TAs that lab). I miss it there.

and after therapy, i needed to not isolate. i was too drained for the gym, but didn't want to go home to be there with my parents.

went to RCIA with nathan after lab, then back to his house to watch some NCIS.

its after 1am. i'm still awake. i haven't attempted to go to bed yet, but i'm already dreading it.

more of the same

Yesterday was difficult to get through. I was 100% exhausted. Had an 8am lab. It wasn't bad. Just way too early. Then had molecular pathology, a 2 hour break in which I had wanted to go to the gym but ended up being way too tired for, so i hung out w. people in the study room. TA'd for parasitology lab from 2:30-5:30. then had clinical correlations at 6:00 but she let us out by 7. Came home and we had girls night before casey goes back to Seattle. watched Julie and Julia. was pretty funny. i wasn't really in the mood for it though.

I feel like an idiot in parasit lab. I know it's not my fault (i studied ahead of time)--- the slides the students have to look at aren't the greatest, plus they're really old so some of the membranes of the amoebas are falling apart, making them even harder to see. And some of them are only 5 micrometers big, so they're already difficult to see.
One student asked me if she found E. histolytica. I looked and I wasn't really sure. I could tell why she would think she had found it, but it looked more like a blog of debris than it did Histolytica. Dr R looked at it after I left and I overheard her tell the student "oh yah, that's it. the membrane is just disintegrating".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?????????????????????

I feel like I'm a horrible TA because a lot of my answers are "I think that's it". Never "yah, it sure is!". I'm terrified of telling them the wrong thing. I was getting better at it by the second lab, but still.... I hated this lab when i was in it, and we had a horrible TA, and I don't want to repeat last year.


I have to watch Lucas while Jenny is in for a dr appt. Then I have therapy right after that. Hopefully I'll have the energy to go to the gym (and to try a spinning class?) after that since it's now been 3 days since I've worked out.


I keep getting jealous of my best friend, Jayme. But best friends shouldn't be jealous of each other. But we have very similar backgrounds, but she isn't sick, so she can still workout everyday even on top of classes and studying. I seem to only be able to do one or the other. But she can do both. And she's thinner. And I"m not. and the wedding is in 4.5 months and I'm still stuck at this annoying weight and it wont' budge and now I haven't been exercising because I haven't' been sleeping and now school started and i have 2 jobs.

Even when I was exercising 5-6 days a week for 4 weeks over break, the scale budged only slightly and my clothes still fit pretty much the same. and I was doing really intense workouts, so please... someone explain this to me? I've been on a "weight loss meal plan" from my RD since fall of 2008 and i'm still roughly the same weight as i was then.

why won't my body change?

and why on earth am i still this tired? i slept in until 9am. and actually managed to fall asleep around midnight.
i hate this.