priorities

this post is semi-inspired by now is now, but semi-inspired by the way i'm physically feeling right now.

I have this recurring thought.  Everyday.  "I have to exercise X amount of time."  or "I have to do this and this and this" 
But... what if I don't?  I feel anxious.   I feel like I wasted a day.  Like I'll never get any smaller since I skipped a day (how's that black-and-white thinking for you?). What REALLY gets to me is if I skip 2 or 3 days in a row.  Anything more than 3 and I get really crabby.  I guess that's how my long-term frustration manifests itself. 
Even if I worked out the day before, but it wasn't the "X amount" that I had planned it to be...  then it's like it didn't happen and didn't even count.  Like yesterday, I was too busy with the foot dissection that I couldn't workout as much as I had planned on, or as much as I usually do on Thursdays.  So it's as if I didn't even workout yesterday.  Which isn't true.  I did.  Just not "enough".  So I figured I'd workout today and be okay.  But I'm exhausted today.  Even my bones feel tired.  Well, they feel achy.  I feel tired to the point of achiness everywhere.  Even as deep as my bones.  So... to push a workout... will I be able to function afterwards? 

But I have to be able to function afterwards... my friend is coming over to study and work on our presentation.  If I'm beyond exhausted when she gets here, what good will that do us?  I won't be able to think straight or focus long enough to get anything accomplished.
So again, I find myself considering skipping another day of working out.  And I"m freaking out because I have a busy weekend and I don't know how much exercise i'll be able to squeeze in.

But this is disordered thinking.  Workouts don't need to dictate my life.  I just typically let them do that.  I know that for anyone else, I would tell them to let their bodies rest and repair and to not push it when you're not feeling up to it.  Logically, I know this.  But when I have disordered thinking like this, I'm not thinking logically. 

As I wrote in a comment to now.is.now, I used to skip out on social activities because I had to go to the gym instead.  It didn't matter how tired it was, it didn't matter if I was sick, it didn't matter if I had a million things to study for, it didn't matter if I was injured and in pain.  It didn't matter.  I forced myself to do it.  Because I "had to". 
Exercise has always been a big part of my eating disorder.  And now that I have the eating normally pretty well down, I still have disordered thoughts about exercise. 

Even right now as I type this, I'm thinking to myself "I can still lift some weights and do pilates.  or i could double my narcolepsy med and maybe actually get a decent workout in before Jayme gets here"
And I suppose I could do these things.  But shouldn't my energy (and time) be spent finishing my paper, studying for molecular diagnostics, vacuuming my room (which desperately needs it), getting a head start on research for our presentation, or reviewing parasitology so that I'm prepared on Monday.  But no, I'm willing to put that time and energy into exercising instead and stressing myself out later because I'm short on time and too tired to think straight. 

Exercise is too high on my priority list.  Or... not even that.  The amount of exercise is.  I should be able to be happy with half of what I'd preferably like to do, just because at least it's something.  If all i can spare is half the amount of time, then I should take it and accept it.  But no, i beat myself up over it and kick myself for not getting up an hour earlier, or not drinking more coffee or not doubling my narcolepsy med. 

I could be SO much more productive if exercise was lower on my priority list.  But... I guess with the wedding in less than 4 months... I feel kinda like I have to do it. 

I feel paralyzed by this.  I'm so torn on what to do right now.

snow day

campus is closed today.  classes are canceled.
of course, they didn't post this until i had already gotten up at 6, taken my narcolepsy medication, took a shower, and drank a cup of coffee. thus making it impossible for me to fall back asleep. 

i didn't cut last night.

my dad got stuck trying to get out of our driveway.... so i doubt i'll be able to leave.
hopefully i can manage to be productive today.

gasping for air

I'm not doing well tonight.  I feel like curling up in a ball crying.  After I cut the shit out of my skin.
Really bad urges  Really bad.
But I can't.  At least... not on my arms.  I can't.
i shouldn't anywhere.
but i need to see blood.
i need to feel physical pain.

i can't breathe.

Music and my paper

I'm so tired I can barely think straight.  My paper isn't going very far...  I have all of my sources that I've (mostly) read through and I have a detailed outline set up.  But I haven't gotten to the actual writing part yet. 


Last night, I told Nathan that I went through his music and put a whole bunch of it on my mp3 player.  He asked which bands and I said "Underoath, more Alexisonfire, Secret lives of the Free Masons, more There for Tomorrow, more Rise Against, Armor for sleep, and Trivium."
He said "wow, Trivium too?"
"Yes"
"Are you trying to marry me?"
"is it working?"
"it sure is"

Ok.   Back to the paper.
Maybe a more realistic goal is to get half of it done.
I have enough to write about.... it's finding the brain energy to actually write it.

To-Do List or Work?

snow, snow, go away.

i haven't decided if i'm giving myself a snow day and letting myself not go into work today, or if i should suck it up and try to get down my road later.  If I don't go, my plan is to get my paper (mostly) written, get my lab report done, start researching alpha thalassemia major for my presentation, and start studing for molecular diagnostics.  Getting all of that done today will free me up for over the weekend which will let me get caught up this weekend when the clinic is closed (which i prefer to do anyway).  I don't want to go into work yet because I"m on a roll with my research and I want to (hopefully) get a workout in later.  So work would be later tonight.  But if it doesn't stop snowing soon... I might not be able to get my car through my road (i live on a dirt road that seldomly gets plowed). 

IF i can manage to get everything on my ambitious to-do list done, then I think skipping work today would be okay.  My fear is that I'll eventually hit a wall and not get everything done and then have a lot to do over the weekend which will cut into my work time.
Plus, because of the foot dissection I have to have done by Monday at noon, I can't study or workout during my breaks wednesday and thursday because I'll be dissecting (which is fine, but I hadn't planned on that two days ago).  Well... if I study while Nathan is in RCIA on Thursday like I did last week, I do gain 2 more hours of studying... Hm...

I don't know... I"m good at coming up with excuses as to why I shouldn't go into work.  It's funny though... once I"m AT work, I"m fine.  It's the getting ready to go and actually leaving that's always the problem.  But really... if can get this paper done today, plus the lab report that's due tomorrow morning at 8am done... and hopefully study and do research.. then I'll definitely be a lot less stressed out this week.   School is a priority over work, afterall. 

I'll have part of Friday (Jayme is coming over to study and work on the presentation with me at some point during the day), all of Saturday and all of Sunday (minus going to Mass) to work.  If I go 2 hours on Friday, at least 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday.... 10 hours will be a good goal.  That'll be approximately 50-60 charts I'd get done this weekend.... Sounds good to me. 

Ok, my break is over... I have to get back to researching pharmacists right to refuse emergency contraceptives and abortion pills.  Interesting and relevant topic, but I'm still not looking foward to writing this paper. 

FEET!!!

I GET TO DISSECT ANOTHER FOOT!!!! 

My first two already (that i did last year) circulated around Detroit hospitals for drs to see.  Now I get to dissect it to the ligament level for a group of podiatrists by Monday!!!!!!

It's awesome.  She asked me out of the 25 TAs to do this.  Every difficult dissection goes to me.  I love it.  I'm not evening TAing anymore for the cadaver lab and she still calls me up, "i need a foot dissected by Monday".  Sure thing!   I love it.  That completely made my day!  I get to do it Thursday.  :D

I told Nathan I was going to wear my new lab coat and he says "you can't, it's not your name yet!"  So I told him I would put a piece of tape above it that says "future" so that it's accurate by saying "future Andi O---"


EEEEEEEEEE!    I'm so excited about this!!!

busy

I went to my friend's house yesterday to study.  But she had to dog sit for a husky.  And huskies are my one exception to me hating dogs.  Huskies are like wolves, and so I like them.  This husky, however, was horrible and annoying and barely got any studying done.  Stupid smelly loud dogs.  They ruin everything! Another friend came over and we watched House and talked.  I ended up not getting home until 130am.  And I was up at 8 for Mass.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........

So today after Mass, I massaged my moms neck, shoulders and arms for a couple of hours.  Then I started studying for molecular pathology since we didn't even manage to finish going over everything yesterday and the exam is tomorrow.  After a couple of hours I hit a wall.  I have a tired-headache.  I was hoping it was a dehydration-headache because that's easy to fix.  But lots of water, and dinner haven't solved the problem.  I'm simply exhausted.

Another friend is coming over in an hour to hang out and watch a movie.  I'm glad she's coming, but I'm also slightly stressed.  I know I wouldn't get much more studying in tonight because I'm so tired... but now I don't even have the OPTION.  She knows i have an early class in the morning so she wont' stay late, fortunately.  But still.

I saw Nathan at Mass this morning... we gave each other our anniversary gifts.  He got me a lab coat with "Andi O---" stitched on it.  (His last name, not mine... yet).  It's so awesome!   I want to wear it to lab this week... but can i?  That's not my name yet.  :P 

I should take a shower before she gets here... but I'm too tired.  But I know I won't feel like taking one in the morning since that will require waking up early. 

Hm...

2 years down, a lifetime to go

Nathan got a new laptop last weekend and since he doesn't need his older one he's letting me use it!  I can't believe I'm online and watching TV in the family room at the same time!  Weird.  I kind of think this will help me at night.  I won't eat when I'm on here, so if I can distract myself at night I might be able to get past cravings. 

School is starting to pick up.  Exams, papers, and presentations.  All at once, it seems.  Which is fine, except I'm still not in school mode--- even though the semester is already a month over. 

I'm feeling a lot better about parasitology.  I'm really glad I agreed to TA those labs. I can find and identify the parasites a lot better now than when I was in the lab.  And one student ended up starting 2 weeks late and is really behind.  I went in on Thursday so she could get into the lab and look at the slides with a microscope.  I helped her make sure she was finding the right ones, and got a scope out for me so i could start finding the really tiny parasites that are most difficult to find.  I like helping students out.  They asked me at my internship interview if I was interested in teaching since I've TA'd the cadaver lab and the microbiology lab.  I told them i didn't think so but that I wasn't closing any doors. 

Today was our 2yr anniversary!  But... I didn't get to see him.  I'll see him at Mass on Sunday, but until then... not until Thursday.  Our schedules kinda suck this semester...  I miss him.
We got a chance to hang out alone last night.  I needed that.  We both did. 

4 more months until the wedding. :)   I can't wait until I can cuddle next to him every night. 

Meh

I've been so anxious the last 2 days.  Is that just a coincidence that I've been back on lamictal the last 2 days?  I'm not really anxious about being back on it, so that isn't it.  I don't even know what I'm anxious about.

But I'm crawling out of my skin and stuck on campus until 10pm.

I can't tell if it's the lamictal that's making me feel this way.  The last time (the first time) I went on it I was coming off lithium at the same time.  So this is a completely different case.  I don't know why it would make me anxious.

babies!

my sister is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All this pretending is catching up with me

 

I took my lamitcal for the first time in almost 2 months tonight.  I almost started crying after I swallowed.

I also put scar-zone on my newest scar from a couple weeks ago.

I've never used anything like that before.  Mom got it for me a long time ago, and I refused to use it.

I like my scars.

I feel like I just betrayed it by putting something on it to make it less visible.

I'm sorry, scar.

 But it's standing out a lot, and I don't want a bright red line on my wrist for wedding pictures...

I can't sleep now.

I'm just tense and regretting it.

Regretting taking the meds.  Even though I know one dose doesn't lock me into a lifetime of taking it.

And I'm regretting putting the scar zone on my arm.

I know one application won't do any thing right away.

I can choose to not take lamictal tomorrow.  I can choose to not put scar zone on my arm again.

It's not black and white like I automatically think it is.

But that's not the only thing I regret.

I regret cutting last week. 

Especially on my arm.

I depersonalized.  I wasn't thinking clearly.

I wasn't even in my body.

I dont' even remember making the decision to cut.

I just remember afterwards realizing it was there and that there was blood on my sheets.

I had a good day today.

Did a lot of wedding things with Nathan.

 Got to be with him most of the day.

Just us. It was so nice.

And so I keep trying to focus on that instead of the crappy stuff.

But then my mind starts racing about the wedding.

And so I still can't sleep.

So now I"m online listening to a band I just discovered (janus)

This battle will end one day.

I have to hold on to that.

Changes

 

Therapy yesterday went okay.  I didn't have to be too assertive about the topic... I explained to her how I took myself off of my bipolar med... as an experiment... and that i'm doing okay, considering.

Then I mentioned the fear associated with weight loss and how I sabatoge myself, and how I wonder if that's at all related to being off my meds for so long (since early December).

We talked about what losing weight in the past was like- the secrecy and the excitement.  All of that.

And then talked about how it is different than losing weight now.  How I still feel like i have to keep it a secret, and how I still feel like I'm doing something "bad", and yet I'm still excited.

She also pointed out that winter and fatigue triggers our bodies to want carbs. 

And since the windchill was below 0 yesterday and the wind almost knocked me over, and I'm always fatigued and have a difficult time sleeping as it is, it isn't all that surprising that I crave stuff at night.  

She told me to try being more gentle on myself. 

I wonder if I rearrange my MP so that I allow more calories to go to my after dinner snack... I wonder if that will help at all.  That way, when I'm actually craving something, I'll have more room to "give in" without having to hate myself afterwards.  

She mentioned a pendulum.  And that I need to stay focused on the middle.  She said, a small binge can lead to wanting to restrict a little the next day, which will make you hungry and lead to a bigger binge, which will lead to more restricting, which will lead to more binging.

I told her I knew that and was being careful about it.  I said "that's where I was at before I went to the hospital" (which was before I started seeing her).  And I told her I"ve been good about making sure not to restrict the next day if I was unhappy with how i ate the day before.

I've made a lot of progress in that respect. 

I decided ... there is no reason for the ED to keep holding me back and making me scared.

Yes, I have those memories and these feelings are definitely attached to them... but I don't have to let that ruin my life anymore.

So last night when I got home, I knew I was a little bit under my calories, so I allowed myself to have a snack, and I didn't binge.  I didn't go crazy.  I was calm, and I ate it.  Part of my wanted more, but I gently told myself I didn't need more, and that I was actually tired enough to go to bed, so I did. 

Amazing.

And this morning, I had a healthy breakfast, cleaned a bit, and then got in a decent workout, then had a good lunch.

And if my body loses weight, that's okay.  I don't need to announce it to the world, but I don't need to hide it.  Because I'm still eating.  And I'm not going crazy with workouts.  And nothing I"m doing is drastic.

There shouldn't be any shame or any fear.

It feels foreign, yes.  But that's okay.  So did eating again, in the beginning.

But I got used to that, didn't I?

I can get used to this.  Used to my body changing.  Going back to my old set point that I miss being at.

(the healthy number my dietician said I can be at).

And you know what?  If I'm unable to get down to that number because I have more muscle mass than I used to, then fine... I won't be that low.  I'm not even fixated on a number anymore.  More of a range.  And more of how my clothes fit.    And more than that- I'm focused on strength. And I can't be strong if I don't fuel my body.

And I don't have to be afraid of my body getting smaller. Because I am healthy, and there is nothing to be afraid of. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit:::  Added 8:01pm

i keep needing to remind myself that i can't lose weight overnight.  i want to lose weigh over night.  but no.  i can't do that.  i used to do that.  but i can't do that anymore.  i need to go eat my snack.  i need to so i can reach my calories today.

but then i think... i'll lose weight faster if i don't.  i can just skip it.  or i could workout some more.  

no no no!!!!!!!!!  i can't work out some more.  i already did some this morning.

and i need my snack!

weight loss shouldn't be overnight.  no no no

i don't do that anymore.

i don't.

ah shit.  why does my mind change so rapidly?  i was fine a few hours ago.  and now i'm freaking out.

ok ... i'm going to eat a snack and call my sister and see if i can go over there for awhile.

maybe i just shouldn't be alone.

my friend was here but she had to leave early to help her parents with something.

ok

i feel bad calling my sister and asking to go over. 

but she already offered.  so i shouldn't feel bad.

right?

i don't know what to have for a snack.  I"m entirely too overwhelmed right now.

let me speak

I see my therapist tomorrow.  I need to talk to her about me being scared to lose weight and sabotaging myself.  I also need to bring up that she needs to realize my quest to lose weight in a healthy way IS important to me and she can't keep on dismissing it so quickly.   Not only is it annoying, it's also causing me to avoid talking about it.  I know she just wants to help me challenge my thinking, but then I never even get a chance to say what's on my mind before she interrupts and challenges me.  And then I feel like what I'm saying is wrong, and that I'm "doing therapy wrong" because I'm apparently unable to say the right things.

I went to the cycling class today.  I can tell my legs are already getting stronger.  I was on a higher resistance and kept up better.  They feel dead tired now, though.  Hopefully I'm not useless tomorrow.

I don't have classes tomorrow but I'm going up to campus with Nathan, anyway.  I have an appt at the writing center about a paper due on Monday.  I don't even need to go, but the professor assumes everyone in her class hasn't written since freshman year and would need help and strongly encourages it.  This is not true for me since all of my psychololgy classes and most of my MLS classes have required multple papers, however, making the appointment forced me to write the paper before the weekend.  Plus, its a little bit over her page limit so maybe they can help me figure out what to take out to shorten it. 

From there I have therapy, then, if I'm up to it, another cycling class.  if not, i'll stop by the anatomy lab and help TA that-- or find a cadaver to dissect. Somehow, that is so calming.

Tomorrow is my last long day of the week.

My parents are going on a retreat this weekend so I'll have all of Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday to myself. 

I need that right now.

the aftermath

I went to another cycling class yesterday.  I had to keep it on the lower end for resistance- but I managed to keep up fairly well.  Between having weak legs and a crummy heart I can't handle as much as everyone else in the room.  But of course, I want to make everything into a compitition.

Mondays are my crappy days.  I'm on campus until 10pm, after getting there for a 9am class.

Yesterday, my 9am class professor never bothered showing up. I was really annoyed. 

So today, after a long Monday, and after a cycling class, my body feels dead.

I have a long list of stuff to do, but I'm so exhausted I don't know what I'm going to be able to manage.

It pisses me off.

Other people can handle it.

Other people can handle even more than that.

But I have one long day and sit on a bike for 45 minutes and I'm useless the next day.

this sucks.

Stubborn

I am truely blessed with everything in my life right now.  I know this, and I'm so thankful for it.

And I realized:

I DON'T NEED AN ED ANYMORE!!!!!!!

So why am I still holding on to it?

My body image is still awful.

I'm disgusted by myself.

I want to lose weight... but then I sabotage myself.

I overdo the exercise, even though my health sucks. 

I guess my health stuff is the one thing really holding me back.

I can't control it. and that drives me absolutely crazy.

 It really makes me separate myself from my body.

I told Nathan last week that I hate "it" so much and "it" keeps holding me back.  And that I have a hard time not punishing my body for destroying me.

He said, "Andi, you and your body aren't two different people. You don't punish one without punishing the other."

but but but but but....

Maybe logically I know that... but realistically... I can't see that.

Since I was 14 and my body turned against me, it's been me against it.

The cutting, bruising, starving, over-exercising... it was all a punishment.

It was all revenge. 

And so even though every other part my life has turned around, I'm still physically sick.

And even though I've been fighting like hell since I was 14 to get better, I'm not really getting anywhere.

I"m better than I used to be, yes.

But I'm not where I need to be yet.

I hate being held back in life just because I'm too sick.

I'm too stubborn for that. 

But is that getting me anywhere?

Bastian

So... apparently for college graduation, my parents help us out with a new (used) car.

I didn't know this until this morning.

My dad mentioned a place in town was having a used car sale with a trade in offer of at least $1000 (which my car wasn't even close to being worth).

I asked my dad what used cars typically go for since I don't have too much money for one.

And he said, "well no, it's for graduation.  We did this with all of the kids"

Wow.

So I am now the owner of a 2006 silver Cobalt.

I named him Sebastian.

We traded in Dmitri... who was completely falling apart.  That saturn was so old and making so many scary noises and leaking so many fluids.  I was terrified to drive anywhere.

Dad said, "I know graduation isn't until May, but it's obvious you will graduate and I dont think Dmitri will last that long."

That was not what I expected to be doing today!  But I am not complaining!

BIKES!

I went to the spinning class last night and my heart was okay!!!!!

It was a lot of fun and I definitely want to do more of those classes. 

I wish I didn't take the parasitology lab TA job.  It cuts into spinning and zumba classes that now I can't go to.

Dr R wouldn't mind if I didn't go to both labs.

She's told me that multiple times, but I still would feel bad leaving her to a lab full of 16 students trying to find tiny little parasites with a microscope.

Maybe as the lab gets easier I won't go as often... hmm..

The Tour de France is 161 days!!!!!!!!!

underlying fear

I think part of my problem is that I'm scared to actually lose weight, and so when I actually start making progress, I unconsciously sabotage myself.

Why would I be afraid of losing weight?  Because I've never done it in a healthy way before. 
It's always been secretive.  It's always been hidden.  It's always been unhealthy.
So now that I"m "allowed" to lose weight (according to my dietician), and I'm trying to, in a healthy way--- it's freaking me out a little bit.
It's like I feel ... gulity (?) for actually losing weight.  I won't tell anyone.  I'm afraid to admit it.  I feel like I'll get in trouble or something if I do. 
Plus, losing weight is exciting to me, and there's a tiny part of me that is afraid if I start, I wont' be able to stop. 
So whenever I'm doing really well w. my MP and exercise, and I actually start to make progress, I end up messing up my MP or something and I continue to maintain where I'm at.

But I am allowed to lose weight.
I have a weight that my dietician says I cannot go under.  I have agreed to that, and I honestly think I'll be okay there.  But it's a little ways off, so I"m not even there yet.  I can't get in trouble for losing weight at this point.  As long as it's not lost quickly, I"m fine.

But I'm scared to actually let it happen.

This is a big discovery, I think.  Because I have been beyond frustrated for the last year, trying to lose weight and not being able to.  I think I"m holding myself back a lot-- even though i know part of it has been the injuries and the heart stuff.  And I honestly feel okay enough in my recovery to not fall back into ED.  (i know it sounded like i was a few posts ago, but that was more venting than anything). 



I don't need to be afraid to make progress with this. 
I need to relax and let go.  Maybe I should start practicing yoga again...

PS: I'm trying the spinning class tonight! 

slept

I fell asleep before midnight last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It's been WEEKS since that's happened.  I'd venture to say months but I can't remember... it's been too long. 
Woke up around 9.  Amazing.

Today is set aside for studying. 
Tried to workout this morning but, inspite of sleeping 9 hours, my body felt tired and weak.  It was pretty pitiful, but it was something.

I hope I can run soon.
I want to try a spinning class... to see if my heart can handle cycling now that I'm on the beta blocker.  It never could before... I keep putting it off because I'm scared I can't handle it!!  I need to just bite the bullet and do it.  Maybe this Thursday.  There's a 45 minute spinning class..... that's slightly less daunting than an hour.   But only slightly.

Positives for today:

I get to see Nathan :)

I slept for 9 hours.  

I lifted weights

I ate protein with lunch

I have the whole afternoon to study

 

4am ruins everything

4 hours of sleep + 4 cups of coffee = pitiful attempt at productivity

I set 3 alarms for this morning.

I didn't hear any of them.

Luckily mom was home to wake me up at 8 for Mass.

trying to be responsible

I feel a little bit calmer today.  

We went to Nathan's sister's new house for dinner last night.  I managed to eat it but I've been restricting fluids-- which Nathan has noticed.  He's always on my case about drinking more water.  He kept handing me my glass of water.  I'd take a tiny sip and put it down.  I dumped some out when he went to the bathroom and no one was looking.  
I was getting the tour of her house and I fell and slid down the stairs because my legs gave out.  When we got back to the kitchen I just said "fine, you win" and drank the stupid water.


I managed to fall asleep by 1:30am, which isn't bad lately.  Mom and dad were gone all morning so I was able to finally work out a little bit.  I'm about to go to work in a few minutes.  I want to get on the treadmill there, but I know I shouldn't since I've already worked out.  I'm still really tired so I'm not exactly sure how work is going to go. 
I still need to study for molecular pathology --- I already have an exam this week. 
It'll be tough to both go to work and to study when I get home.  Especially since I already exercised today.  So I know I have to be responsible and not get on the treadmill when i'm there.
 At least I get to go in when they're closed.  It's an okay way to isolate.

funny how drastically my outlook on life changes in just 4 hours.

what if i never get better?

what other doctor can i turn to?  dr v. has basically said he has run out of ideas.

my problem is neurological, and the best neurologist in michigan has no idea what to do with me.

how am i supposed to hope?

war

another dead end.

i can't see the neuropsychologist my neurologst wanted me to go to.

this was his last idea.

this was my last hope.

why does my brain have to be so messed up?

i'm sorry, arm.

but you're easier to damage than my brain.

plus brains can't sense pain.

what a cop out.

damn you, body.

i hate you.

and you don't deserve all of the special treatment i've been giving you.

you deserve nothing.

except pain.

cuts

bruises

starving

the last thing you deserve is nourshment.

you have taken so much away from me.

i will take away from you again

my life has been hell because of you.

i'll make you feel the hell that you force me to feel inside.

i will get revenge this time.

i'm tired of pretending to care about you.

i never have.

i've never stopped hating you.

the war is on.

Sorry for the mushiness.

I'm so blessed to have Nathan.  And I'm so blessed that he loves me as deeply as I love him.

I've said time and time again that he is the one exception to everything.

I have a hard time talking to people.  But not him.

I like to isolate myself from people.  But not from him.

I have a hard time being open.  But not with him.

I'm always uncomfortable around people.  But not around him.

I'm always self conscience.  But not with him.

Yesterday was a horrible day.  But as soon as I got into lab and saw him, I smiled.

And my day was brighter.

And he held my hand.  And I felt okay.

And we ate dinner together, and I was okay with eating.

And we hung out until midnight, and I was happy again.

Life doesn't hurt when I'm with him.

The future isn't as dark when I'm with him.

If I'm always sick.  If there isn't a doctor who can figure out my medical mystery... At least I'll face it with him.

 And I'll be okay.

In 4 and 1/2 months, I'll be his wife.

And he'll be my husband.

Maybe the future isn't so bleek, afterall.

another day

Therapy has turned into me crying for one hour. That's about all that gets accomplished.

There is so much frustration at being sick and trying everything and running into dead ends everywhere. She made me come up with example of that and I said: insomnia, narcolepsy, fatigue, inability to run, and lack of weight loss. She kept challenging the weight loss... that the rest she could agree with but that my need for weight loss was my choice and not actually necessary. I kept trying to disagree but it was taking too much effort to argue and i have no energy for arguing.

the physical health stuff gave plenty to talk and cry about so i just avoided the lack of weight loss aspect of my frustration.

sometimes, i wish she would just agree with me for 5 minutes so i could talk about it without defending my way of thinking. and i realize a therapist is supposed to challenge disordered thoughts, but when i'm that upset sometimes i need to just go with it for a few minutes.

never made it to the gym today.
i babysat my nephew while my sister in law was at her dr appt. people probably thought lucas was my baby. i did not correct them. he's so adorable, i dont mind the credit. hahahaha

then i went to anatomy lab to see if the cadavers needed any dissecting. unfortunately, they didnt. plus there were too many students crowded around them for most of the time.
it was fun to be with the other TAs (plus Nathan TAs that lab). I miss it there.

and after therapy, i needed to not isolate. i was too drained for the gym, but didn't want to go home to be there with my parents.

went to RCIA with nathan after lab, then back to his house to watch some NCIS.

its after 1am. i'm still awake. i haven't attempted to go to bed yet, but i'm already dreading it.

more of the same

Yesterday was difficult to get through. I was 100% exhausted. Had an 8am lab. It wasn't bad. Just way too early. Then had molecular pathology, a 2 hour break in which I had wanted to go to the gym but ended up being way too tired for, so i hung out w. people in the study room. TA'd for parasitology lab from 2:30-5:30. then had clinical correlations at 6:00 but she let us out by 7. Came home and we had girls night before casey goes back to Seattle. watched Julie and Julia. was pretty funny. i wasn't really in the mood for it though.

I feel like an idiot in parasit lab. I know it's not my fault (i studied ahead of time)--- the slides the students have to look at aren't the greatest, plus they're really old so some of the membranes of the amoebas are falling apart, making them even harder to see. And some of them are only 5 micrometers big, so they're already difficult to see.
One student asked me if she found E. histolytica. I looked and I wasn't really sure. I could tell why she would think she had found it, but it looked more like a blog of debris than it did Histolytica. Dr R looked at it after I left and I overheard her tell the student "oh yah, that's it. the membrane is just disintegrating".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?????????????????????

I feel like I'm a horrible TA because a lot of my answers are "I think that's it". Never "yah, it sure is!". I'm terrified of telling them the wrong thing. I was getting better at it by the second lab, but still.... I hated this lab when i was in it, and we had a horrible TA, and I don't want to repeat last year.


I have to watch Lucas while Jenny is in for a dr appt. Then I have therapy right after that. Hopefully I'll have the energy to go to the gym (and to try a spinning class?) after that since it's now been 3 days since I've worked out.


I keep getting jealous of my best friend, Jayme. But best friends shouldn't be jealous of each other. But we have very similar backgrounds, but she isn't sick, so she can still workout everyday even on top of classes and studying. I seem to only be able to do one or the other. But she can do both. And she's thinner. And I"m not. and the wedding is in 4.5 months and I'm still stuck at this annoying weight and it wont' budge and now I haven't been exercising because I haven't' been sleeping and now school started and i have 2 jobs.

Even when I was exercising 5-6 days a week for 4 weeks over break, the scale budged only slightly and my clothes still fit pretty much the same. and I was doing really intense workouts, so please... someone explain this to me? I've been on a "weight loss meal plan" from my RD since fall of 2008 and i'm still roughly the same weight as i was then.

why won't my body change?

and why on earth am i still this tired? i slept in until 9am. and actually managed to fall asleep around midnight.
i hate this.

Drained

Had an appointment with my neurologist today. Nothing really is new. More frustrations. More tears.
Wants my ANA tested again. I had it tested when I was 15 and have the results at home, but I couldn't remember them. Plus, that was so long ago (8 yrs) he wants them redone.

And he wants to me to see a neuropsychologist about the insomnia. There isn't much more he can do about the narcolepsy since my brain isn't responding to medications. And if my carcolepsy med in the morning is what's causing my heart palpatations, then there isn't much he can do because I am completely useless when I am off the that med. And since I've tried every type of insomnia medication and only rozerem worked (and now that is starting not to), he's run out of options as far as that goes. He's hoping the neuropsychologist will be able to help me fall asleep, and that it might help eliviate some of my problems.

He wasn't mad when I told him I took myself off the pamelor--- since I was on that to help get me into stage 4 sleep, but after 4 years I'm still not getting to stage 4 the pamelor is obviously not working. He was fine with that. but had no other ideas.


I cried the whole way home. Put on music and tried to sing along. I read somewhere singing is good when you're freaking out becuase you can't hyperventilate if you're singing. Plus music is theraputic. It helped.

I'm utterly exhuasted right now. But I have a lot of homework to get done for tomorrow, though for Clinical Corrolations and for Molecular Diagnostics lab. 8am lab tomorrow.... I better fall asleep before 3 or 4am tonight or I'm screwed.


Oh. And I have a new job now. Dr. R. asked me yesterday if I wanted to TA for the two parasitology labs. I agreed since I'm already stuck on campus with 6 hour breaks on those days and it's easy money. Cuts into my workout and study time though... which are the only two downsides. But it's a light enough semester I should be able to be okay with it. And she said if there's a day where I'm too busy to TA it's fine. She just needs help most of the time because they are such big labs and parasit can be tricky.


I need to study for that, too, though. There are two labs tomorrow and I haven't looked at parasit stuff since last winter.

off schedule

couldn't sleep until 4am. Didn't wake up until noon. I hate this. It completely throws off my day. And my eating. I had breakfast at noon? then worked out. Ate "lunch" at 330. But I'm not even hungry. My calories are wayyy too low, but I'm not hungry. and I slept through real breakfast and my first snack. If I try to cram those calories in somewhere else I'll be really full. And I don't want to be really full.

I need to get to work soon. Of course I'm putting it off. I should have gone in hours ago. But no, my body has to be retarded and can't sleep during normal hours.

Luckily my church has an 8:30pm Mass. Nathan and I are going to that.


Part of my problem is that when I workout, my appitite goes away.


Too bad the weight doesn't want to go away.

lines

I wasn't entirely truthful with my T last week. I see her next week. Well, this Thursday, so I guess it's this week already. I know I should be honest with her. But ED screams at me to lie.

Yesterday I thought of emailing my dietician to ask what the max about of exercise I can do is. But ED screamed at me not to do that. So I'm putting it off.


I'm tired. And hardly sleeping.


Last week I had to make a list for my T of warning signs that I was crossing "the line".
I failed to tell her the signs were already there and lines were definitely being crossed.

i can't remember if i took my beta blocker yet or not.
i don't think i have. but usually i take it earlier than this.
hm.



i hope i can sleep tonight.


i really feel like cutting.
and i know THAT will help me to sleep.
tempting.

eh

ok. moods are lower than they were an hour ago.

maybe it's just because I'm tired.

but nathan doesn't get off work until 11. and as much as i want to ignore the world, he is always the one exception. i need to talk to him tonight.

i still haven't decided if im taking my bipolar med tonight or not. i guess if i do it should be a lower dose since ive been off for awhile.
that's too much thinking. easier not to.

here

i can tell my moods are shifting downwards again. I dont know how far they'll go this time. I haven't been off my medication for this long of a time in quite awhile. I took myself off over break. Just to check it out again. I know I'm not supposed to. Especially since I haven't told anyone. But I've kind of stopped caring.


I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself.
I hope the depersonalization doesn't come back full force again.


Maybe I should re-start my meds. But seriously- I don't want to.
If I can be left alone, I'm fine.


I wish my body and brain didn't suck.

DNA fingerprinting

Ok, so my molecular diagnostics class is going to be AWESOME! Well, I haven't had the actual class yet, but I've had the lab. I just read over next weeks section in the lab manual and did the pre-lab questions.... I'm so pumped for next Wednesday! We're doing DNA fingerprinting. We'll get a "crime scene" sample, and then 5 "suspect" samples, and we're actually running test to see if any of the suspects are guilty based solely on their DNA. How freaking amazing! This is exciting. :D
I mean, obviously these samples are fake, but still---- These are real life situations...

DNA is cool.

And I am a nerd.

blood type

I typed my blood in lab today. I'm A positive! Neat-o.


i also find it ironic that, of course, even my blood is an overachiever.

low high low

i didn't take my BB this morning because I wanted to be able to function and think during lecture. 15 minutes into clin chem (so, 12:15pm) I started shaking like crazy. I couldn't sit still. I had to get up and move but I couldn't. I was the farthest from the door. And I was sitting right in front of the prof. My mind was going a million miles an hour. i had to move some part of my body at all times or I thought I would explode.
Luckily i had BB with me. but no water. but at 1245 i managed to take it without water. i had to wait for it to kick in and make me tired.
He gave us a couple minute break at 1. I bolted out of the room- wanting to pace the hall. Except some of my other profs were standing in the hallway talking so I went over the stair well and started jumping up and down trying to get the shakeyness to go away. didn't work. on the way back i saw a builiten board with an extra tack. which i took. so during class i used that so i could focus on the sharpness of it and not my crazy mind and the need to move.
by 130 i felt myself slow down. i was still shaking, but not as quickly.

at the moment (3:30) I feel the need to lay down and take a nap. Except i'm stuck on campus and have a class at 4. physically, my body is still shaking, but it isn't because I feel the need to move. my mind is slower, but not normal.

but what is weird is that i didn't take the BB until 330 yesterday because i wanted to go to work before i took it so that i could actually focus. i was fine. i took it at 330 and took it again before bed.
so why do i go crazy on certain days???
i don't get it.

i tried to call my pdoc. i left a message and now i'm playing the waiting game.
my T wanted me to last week to tell her about the week before. and the subsequent crash i had (am having). so once it happened again with the BB i figured i'd call her and at least inform her. she can't DO anything about it, but at least i can tell her.

it's weird that this happens.

i don't want to go to class.
but the grade is based soley on attendance. so unless i want a 3.5 in the easist class i'll ever have, i better not skip. damn it.

i need to lay down.
i feel like crap now.

awake

i'm having a hard time tonight.

This happens every once in awhile. I think the last time was when Nathan and I were in Maryland- at my sister's house.

It happens right as I"m on the brink of falling asleep- i get really panicky then jolt awake. last time the only thing that helped was cutting. which i felt guilty about because Nathan was sleeping near me and I could have woken him up instead.
i tried tonight and i was surprised he actually picked up. but he was only awake because he said he has the worst headache he's ever had. i felt bad unloading stuff on him, and he needed to go. i'm not mad at him, so i feel rotten saying this but DAMN IT. that was the first time i actually called someone at 1am because i needed help. so many people say "call me, no matter how late it is". and i always say "okay, thanks" but i know i'll never do it, because i HATE waking people up. and i hate asking to talk. and i usually would rather cut. so i'm frustrated that it backfired.
but on the other hand, i'm kinda worried for him. headaches shouldn't be that bad. especially when he doesn't have a history of them.
he said he thinks it's starting to feel better. i don't know if he said that for my sake though.

so now i'm stuck. i'm not calling anyone else, but i don't dare try to close my eyes voluntarily. which means i have to keep myself awake until it's physically impossible not to. maybe that way i'll fall asleep without panicking.

i've tried thinking different things. hoping that it would lead me to a different dream, and away from the panic. i can't even describe the thoughts that come with the panic. just that every comepletely off topic thought process leads me right back to it.

i hate these nights.
i don't want to give in. but i do need to sleep.
i tried a healthy alternative... i'm not sure where that leaves me.

more.

appt w. the EP today.
won't let me off the beta blocker.
now i need an exercise stress test and a tilt table test.



i've cried more minutes out of this day than not.


i hate this.

this will never end.

weak

it's 65 degrees today. and sunny.
perfect running day.

so i tried.


HA.



i hate this.

who knows

so i went a day on Monday w.out the beta blocker due to my internship interview and then being gone all day after that, unexpectedly, and didn't have beta blocker with me. And... i'm now hypomanic. all week. yesterday was REALLY bad. I took a few "downers" last night when i got home and managed to sleep 10 hours, which is about what I've gotten total all week. So I think I was able to snap out of the manic phase since I'd never be able to sleep that long if I still was. I feel better today... less... hyper and all over the place. but still not normal.

The bad thing is.. the beta blocker makes me tired, but the hypomania makes me hyper. So I can't sit still and I want to move all over the place and study and do everything all at once. But I'm too tired to do said things because of the BB. So then it feels like I'm trapped inside my body while my head is going a million miles per hour. Then i get really tense and anxous and don't kow what to do with myself. So my 10 hours stuck on campus yesterday was not helping. I even had a hemostasis lab midterm yesterday. That was interesting to take. It was hard to sit still and be quiet.
I kept having to leave the study room and pace the halls. I called nathan a few times and the first time he had to tell me to slow down because I was talking too fast. I also sent him a weird email. He was good about it. He laughed at the email... and so did I after I read it again.
I had to talk to one of my professors yesterday and he tried to tell me to make sure i slowed down my talking or she'd think i was high. i hope i managed it. she didn't say anything.

email:

most of what you said makes sense. i didn't really have the attention span to read the whole thing so i skimmed it and now i'm really motivated to actually study so i'm going to do that right now instead of the case study but i will look over this again later. if you were heated up would your BP really go down? i would have thought up. i need to think about that. i will think about that. i found r---- and finished registering. yippee! that lady seemed grouchy. not r----. the other lady. r---- is never grouchy. i can't stop moving!!!!!! but my eyes want to close and take a nap. wait. eyes cant take naps. you know what i mean. you'll probably tease me for that sentence. that's ok. I LOVE YOU!!! i hope the heater fixing guy comes soon and you can be warm. being warm is good. i like being warm. the computer lab is super warm right now. I'M actually warm so that's saying something. too bad you cant' be here. i miss you!
k. i should go!

his reply:

That's the longest email I've ever had from you! Wow! You must have been typing quickly... I'm surprised your eyes need a nap, but even more surprised that you didn't just delete that part if you didn't want me to read it. You're funny and I love you.

I talked to him today and he mentioned the email. he said "it was like you were simply typing whatever came to your mind" yeah. pretty much. i'm kinda surprised it wasn't longer.

i managed to study today for a few hours.
i was going to attempt working out but i kept blacking out so i didn't think that was a good idea. maybe tomorrow.
i'll be going to work later, too.
i'm feeling better after my 10 hours of sleep... so i'm hoping i'll be productive today.

i was hoping i'd be more productive w. studying yesterday since i was manic and motivated but i was in the study room and a lot of people were talking and i was easily distracted and couldn't actually focus on one thing at time. so i didn't do a whole lot except play minesweeper and pace the halls. i did laps around all 3 floors of the building. a few times.
i had a 6 hour break between classes yesterday because i didn't have lab after the lab midterm and the midterm only took me 30 minutes. i was done by noon and my class isn't until 6.
it was a long day.


i hope i stable out. and i hope a depression doesn't follow the hypomania. i'm feeling better than yesterday but i can still tell i'm not exactly normal yet. i am still amazed i slept for 10 hours, though.
i guess i just have to wait and see.

poison

i don't really like life right now.

i got through the 3 exam week somehow. i don't feel like i've learned anything... i just know how to study for these teachers.

casey and kathrine are still here.
apple picking and party at ryann's tomorrow for ~25 people. i'm expected to join.
kathrine's baptism Sunday afternoon. company at house before and after.

um. hi.

i need my house back. i need company to not be here.

i need to be awake.
i'm so behind at work.
i have another 2 exams next week, plus a paper.
i haven't started writing the paper or studying for the exams.
i still haven't exercised at all.


i don't feel human.

and all i want to do is starve and cut.

i know that won't fix anything. but at least i'd feel something.
i just feel like a zombie.
just going through the motions.
i almost cry everytime it's time to take another dose of the beta blocker.
poison.
that's all it is.

pathetic

so far, all day i've been light headed (blacking out included) and feel like i might pass out at any second.
it's very hard to get work done when it's difficult to sit up straight.

i managed to stay at work for a little over 3 hours today. biggest accomplishment of the weekend.
pathetic.

useless

I'm not doing well.

I am so beyond exhausted. I do not feel like myself.
Sure, I'm always tired, but most days I can usually work though it.
Me on a beta blocker? I'm useless.
I can't think. I can't focus. I'm just so tired. Lecture makes no sense. I"m too tired to study. I'm too foggy to be productive at work, so I haven't been going, so I'm getting behind.
I have 2 exams and a quiz this week. Plus 2 homework assingments due. I haven't studied yet. This material is impossible to cram for, if I had the ability to cram.

8 classes is too many.
Ok, 7. The one I just have to show up for an hour and listen to people talk about their career. But still, it's still an hour out of my already unproductive life each week.

People say, "why don't you drop a class?"

BECAUSE THEN I WON'T GRADUATE IN MAY!!!!

And yes, I could technically gradute next December and start an internship in January, but my number one favorite hospital I want to intern at doesn't start internships in January like two of the others do. So if I do that, I miss out on it and have to settle for a lower choice.

I'm not okay with dropping a class.
I'd hate myself if I didn't graduate in May.

But I have barely studied all week. I'm not retaining anything.
I kept blacking out all day today. And yes, I'm eating and drinking enough.

I wish the beta blocker wasn't working, then I wouldn't feel the need to take it.
But it IS helping. My HR is lower and I'm not having as many palpatations.

But being this tired is not acceptable.

I'm getting behind in everything.
I'm not exercising.
And I'm just plain exhausted and overwhelmed.

I need to talk to the head of my department. When I told her a couple weeks ago I was sick she said "let me know if I can do anything for you."
I have no idea what she can do for me. I have to learn the stuff- there's no way around it. But I need to ask. Is there something she can help with? I doubt it. But I need to know.

I can't take this much longer.
I'm starting to hate myself.
I'm lazy and useless.
I might as well stay in bed all day.

screw you, Dr. S

i am so fed up with the electrophysiologist.

i called to see when i coudl get the ultrasound done and get the heart montior on. i was hoping it could be the same day, seeing as I live an hour away from there.

But no, that would be too easy. The ultrasound is on my birthday at 315. And then they can't be nice and put the heart monitor on me then- oh no. I have to come back the following wednesday at 3 to get that on. Hopefully I can take it off myself- since that's what I did last time- but the lady I just talked to was like "no, you have to come back in and have it taken off and return it". I had been hoping that I could take it off myself, then have my mom drop it off the next day. Seeing as I'm in class from 10am-9pm on Thursdays. I can't exactly drive 2 hours just to drop off the stupid thing in the middle of my day.

DAMN IT.

Ok, seriously. This is pissing me off. I have EIGHT classes this semester. And I'm still working!
September is already busy. We have a wedding next weekend, a meeting w. our priest for our wedding. Going wedding dress shopping with Ryann and mom this week, and probably a few more times soon (at least I was hoping so), we have to start making hte bridesmaid's dresses. Nathan and I have a marriage prep. retreat 18th-20th, I see susan on the 14th. And wine-making is 22nd and 27th.

Oh, and I have 8 classes and a job. And homework, exams.

Oh, and I'M TRYING TO APPLY FOR MY INTERNSHIP.


I don't have time for this bullshit.
I just don't.

maryland

Nathan and I went to Maryland last week. Stayed with my sister in Baltimore and a night in southern MD where his old base was. We stayed with his friend (who has two adorable little girls, ages 2 and 3). I didn't get to meet Corey because he is currently in Iraq, but Janice was there with the girls. The 3 yr old, Lily, became my best friend while we were there. I had been there for just a little while and she was sitting next to me, looked up with her big eyes and said, "I love you". She was hanging on me the rest of the time. I loved it.
We met up with some of his old friends there, and I got to see the house he lived in. Wednesday Nathan and I spent all day in DC. and on Thursday we drove back up to Baltimore and Diane gave us a day-long tour of Johns Hopkins (since she works there) and the city. It was such a fun week. We both needed a vacation. It kind of sucks to be back home... I got spoiled spending so much time with him.

My legs are a little sore from all of the walking so I decided not to run today. I'll wait and see how they feel tomorrow, I guess.

The "appt."

My appt was at 3. So I got there at 2:45. I sat and I sat. And I waited. And I tried to do physics homework. And I sat. And at 5:10 I get called back. I get weighed, I get my blood pressure and pulse taken. I get an ECG. I wait. And I wait. Around 5:35 the NP comes in to take my history. Around 5:55 the Dr comes in goes over the history the NP took with me. I was with him less than 5 minutes. Then he says the ECG looks normal and that there doesn't appear to be a structural problem (and of course, my resting HR was NORMAL while i was sitting there waiting for 3 hours). So he said he thinks it's the meds, but still, he'd like a 24 heart monitor and an ultrasound of my heart. Unfortunatly, everyone in the office had left at this point and there was no one there to set me up with it (isn't HE qualified?!).

So I have to go back. But I couldn't even set up a time to go back because the front desk people had all left and he said they would call me the next morning with follow up information (which they never did). He had been on vacation and that day was his first day back and they "accidently" overbooked him. Um... if you only have so many openings in the book, how do you "accidently" write too many people's names down? I would have waited a week if I had known that would have helped the situation. I left my house at 145 and got home at 7. I saw the dr for 5 minutes and had nothing but an ECG done. It was the biggest waste of a day ever. (plus, this was the day I was going on 2 hours of sleep and my entire exhaust system fell off my car on the way to class... it was already a crappy day. oh- and they have CNN on in the waiting room. I hate politics, i hate obama. and it makes me anxious and want to cut but i couldn't get away from it).

This place is an hour away from me.

I have no intentions of going back.

my heart is fine.

And I don't care.

another appt...

i see the electrophysiologist tomorrow...

i hate new drs.

im not looking forward to this.

intervals

i ran yesterday at the gym. i'm up to 12.5 minutes of running.
walking is boring. but instead of 1 minute run and 2 minute walks i changed it to 1.5 minute run and 1 minute walk... haha.

i have in my mind that when people stop running and walk- then they must be winded and out of shape. So since when I"m running I don't feel winded and I feel strong, I never feel the need to stop and walk. To do so would be a sign of weakness. Which is something i hate.
So now i have to FORCE myself to walk during my runs. it's uncomfortable. it's better when im out on the dirt roads and no one is around to see me. but i felt weird in the gym yesterday only running for 1.5 minutes at a time. I get paranoid that people are watching me and thinking "wow, she must be really out of shape, she can't run for very long" and not " she must be coming back from injuries" and even though i know that probably no one is watching me or thinking that, i still don't like it. (i finally think that people who aren't running much might also be coming back from injury... that never used to cross my mind... i guess i'm mean). but i made myself do the interval running yesterday. i need to change the way my mind thinks on this. It's not that I'm weak, it's that I'm treating my body well. which is something I'm still getting used to. and i've come too far to ruin it now.
i'll probably go to work tomorrow after my heart dr appt and run there. At least at a physical therapy office i won't feel so weak doing interval running. especially since everyone is usually old and have artifical joints and havne't run in years. to them, 1.5 minutes is probably impressive. haha. (plus, i can't over do it if my PT is there... she'd yell at me)

i worry too much.


but HEY!

I'M RUNNING AGAIN!!!!!!

Rain

just went running in the rain. about a mile and half but I walked in between runs so I figured it was fine. I feel good. I think I'm more prepared to run than my PT thought I am. I've been doing a lot of variety workouts at home and a lot of the workouts (from OnDemand) have running in place, a lot of various jumping exercises, and a lot of plyometrics. I started that because it's a good workout, plus it's impact but since i'm on carpet it isn't too much of an impact. I figured that was a good way to start. And I think that helped prepare my feet, ankles, and calves for running. After the first couple times I wasn't shakey with it anymore.

Don't get me wrong- I'm still starting out slowly, I still won't run 2 days in a row, i'll still do intervals until I work into running the whole time. i won't rush it. i promise.

but i'm excited because i felt really strong when i was out there today. and my calves didn't cramp. the bottom of my right foot was kind of tight afterwards but i stretched and massaged it and it feels okay now.

amazing.

Friday

I'm officially done with PT! I'm going to have a life again! wow!

Dad is in Seattle now with mom. I'll be home alone for a week.
Which sucks because dad is an awesome physics tutor and I have exam on Monday and homework due Wednesday and Thursday over two confusing chapters. (we just started quantum physics and on the first page of the chapter it says "prepare to be confused". How comforting).

but i get to workout at home whenever i want. So that's always a treat.
Might spend the night at Ryanns tonight or tomorrow because Joe is out of town too. Avery seemed pretty excited about having a girls night with Aunt Andi.

I want to visit Brandon and Jenny and hold little Luke again. But I don't want to be a pain. I'm sure everyone wants to go visit them and hold luke... they probably want to be alone with their son. but i really want to play with my nephew!

My knees are sore today.
maybe i haven't been stretching enough.

blistered.

my skin is all blistered from the sunburn. :(
it blistered yesterday but i popped most of them... but i tried exercising this morning and when i got done it was blistered even worse than yesterday.
i took pictures and posted them on FB so that my mom could see them since she's still in Seattle...

it hurts and it itches and nathan talked to the pharmacist that he works with and he said there is some spray that i could use to numb it but other than that there isn't much to do at this point except to not pop them and let them heal.

blech.

i ran for one minute 6 times today. yay.

running!

no more osteopenia!!!!!!!!! it was the best possible Outcome afterall. What a miracle!
i ran for 3 whole minutes at PT today(1 minute, 3 times). *raises eyebrow*
more of a tease than anything... but at least it's something and a start. i know i have to start out slowly... even though i think 3 minutes is beyond "slowly". but it isn't just my bones- it's my muscles and tendons and the tibial torsion messes with everything too. my muscles had atrophied (in my ankles and hips) and they aren't used to running.

i was doing lunges on the bosu ball after my 3 minutes of running and my left foot cramped up really badly. i tried to hide it from my PT (because i dont want to hear i have to put off the running) but of course she noticed. luckily she didn't seem overly concerned. i told her flexor hallicus longeus felt weird when i was running. not painful, but kind of stressed and tired. since thats where the tendonitis was it's not too suprising. i'm allowed to run a little bit more before thursday which will be my last day of PT. she wants to see how my feet handle it.
it's good that i work there... she said i can follow up with her whenever im in to work and if i want i can have her watch me run again if i think something feels off. She's so nice.
custom orthotics might be in order because of the tibial issues. and the navicular bone drops a little bit- which stresses flexor hallucis longus even more.
annoying but at least now my feet/calf problems make sense.

i hope i can run more soon.
i won't go crazy with it. i promise.
but seriously- i need more than 3 minutes!